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Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
Volume XXXVIII - Issue XIII
Work Finished On THC Collider Scientists Forget What They Need It For Superman Arrested for “Himselfing” That Ho Metropolis- Superman plead guilty to the charges of First Degree Murder and Soliciting Prostitution in the Metropolis Supreme Court on Monday. “We responded to a 911 call on the corner of 5th and Sideview and when we got there, we found a dead hooker lying in the street,” says Detective Gordon Westwood, “no one around could provide us with any information as to who could have done it so we went to tag and bag the body when we noticed the cape stuck to her back.” The cape found on the body matched perfectly with the one that Superman was wearing earlier that day and he was brought in for questioning. After some Kryptonite coffee, a half-dead Superman confessed to the crime and will now serve a life time sentence in Metropolis City Jail.
Ice Breaker Games Going Strong After 3 Weeks New Brunswick- Even though First-Year Orientation ended 3 weeks ago, one brave Red Shirt and her Orientation group are still pushing through the list of Ice Breaker games. “We were doing so well with ‘What Can/Can’t Fit Through the Door’ that we forgot class had even started!” says OL Simone Thomas. “A few days ago, the Froshies figured out what the door rule was and it could’ve killed the , but I sprung into action and initiated a round of ‘A Cold Wind Blows’ which is the game we’re currently playing!”
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Amsterdam- After many years of planning and construction, the Dutch Science Foundation announced the completion of the THC Collider, the latest scientific wonder machine on Tuesday. “Its taken like, 17,000 years to build man and it costs like...I don’t even want to think about it dollars,” said Head Physicist Dr. Moon Wolfbeam, “and besides, money is like evil propaganda force-fed to us through the corporate society dude...it’s the corporations, man!” While it is true that Dr. Wolfbeam and his team have an odd distrust in corporations, the majority of funding for the project has come from corporate sponsors such as Disney and General Electric. In response to this, Wolfbeam said, “you just blew my MIND man!” The THC Collider has been under construction since the late 15th Century when Leonardo Da Vinci designed a machine that would eliminate world hunger permanently. Ironically, the machine now causes anyone in a 7500 mile radius to get the biggest munchies crunchy
Only the stickiest-icky will be used in the Collider cravings ever which has led to widespread famine. It took over 500 years to finish the 17-mile long chamber because the construction workers assigned to the project smoked enough legal weed on the job to wipe out their short-term memory of ever working on the tunnel. Tie-dye lab coat wearing Dr. Rainbow Smileytitty, chief of operations explained how the Collider works. “The 17 mile chamber is used to hyper-accelerate THC particles in order to collide them at nearlight speed with your brain which results in you getting fucking high
really fast! You will be high as balls and your balls will be high as themselves! The actual Collider itself is powered by a group of 10 Professional African Drum enthusiasts arranged in a circle, pounding out “chill rhythms” to rare, bootleg Simon and Garfunkel mixes we have in the lab.” After the initial shakedown tests are run, the scientists hope to use the machine to study the link between hot boxing and global warming and hopefully publishing their results in High Times Magazines’ Achievement in Physics Section.
Telemarketing Inventor Dies In Boating Homicide “About Fucking Time” Says Entire World BY NIGS McFINKELTON STAFF WRITER
Brunswick, NJ, was found along the boat debris. Police are stumped and have New Brunswick- Stanley O’Hagan, the man who invented the art of tele- no idea who could have killed this marketing died yesterday evening great man who contributed so much to society. No suspects have been due to a freak boating homicide. His boat was found along arrested. Chief Police Detective Walthe Raritan River with the believed blood, semen, and fingerprints of ter Schinn said, “We are working the killer. Additionally, a letter stat- 24/7 at the moment. We don’t have ing that the killer is John C. Hadley, any leads and the trail is going cold. who lives at 124 Smith Blvd., New It is a sad day today for everyone.
The Official Rutgers Weekly Newspaper ESTABLISHED 1970
[Rolling eyes] We definitely do not know who killed him.” The GPS locator for Mr. Hadley’s whereabouts was discovered at the scene and was promptly returned to him along with a mansion, keys to the city, and a pat on the back from police investigators.
THE MEDIUM
NEWS II: The Reckoning “The Angioplasty Should Clear That Fucker Right Up”
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
Vladamir Putin speaks in regards to the Russian invasion of Georgia Putin: “I just don’t [give] a fuck” AP NEWSWIRE
“Some of mah nigMoscow- Russian Prime gas down in South Ossetia Minister Vladimir Putin, in and Abkhazia wur bein’ a recent press release in re- busted up by those Georgian gards to international opin- pigs,” read the release, “so ion regarding the recent I pulled sum of mah boyz Russian agression in nearby togedda and we busted dem nation Georgia had some Georgian niggas up.” Vladivery strong words. “Fuck mir Putin, who pulled up in a tank that appeared to have y’all.” Read the beginning chrome, spinning treads, held the press conference of his recent press release. And while some still announcing the press recomplain about Russia keep- lease very informally, contiing it’s forces in the country nusly drinking from a bottle even after a cease fire and of Cristal he grasped in his an agreement to withdraw hand. Near the end of forces, Putin does not care the conference, a reporter to discuss such things.
asked him about an official response to critiques of the way that Russia is treating the soverign nation of Georgia’s democratically elected president. “You motherfuckers should just shut yo faces, I could kill you at a hundred paces,” started the Prime Minister, busting out in impromptu rap. “They’ll say ‘I wish I neva met ya’, well, I just took South Ossetia.” Putin then proceeded to pull out a rather large hand gun and took pot shots at reporters, who fled for their lives.
RUTGERS SCHEDULED FOR EITHER BRILLIANT OR FUCKING STUPID NAME CHANGE this summers blockbuster Batman film, that Rutgers athletics will officially be New Brunswick-Yesterday renamed the “Rutgers Dark at a press conference, Presi- Knights,” effective next dent McCormick announced semester. This surprising that due to the success of and daring move came as BY JOCKSTRAP HANDCLAP
CONTRIBUTINIG WRITER
a shock to all in attendance at the press conference. The name switch is rumored to have passed the board of representatives because of a large, but undisclosed payoff to the University from Warner Brothers. This move by WB was made in order to promote DVD sales of the hit movie. “The Dark Knight,” which stars Heath Ledger as the Joker and that other guy as Batman, made $823,000,000,000 in its first day alone. This solidified the film as “the most kick-ass movie since Gigli” (Rolling Stone). When asked about what
he thought on this unexpected change, Demarest sophomore Cory Soblin stated “Whatever... I think its kind of stupid. Besides, Batman and Robin was the way better Batman movie. I mean c’mon, Arnold as Mr. Freeze? He easily puts that Ledger guy to shame with his muscular cock and his frozen Austrian attitude.” It is speculated that “The Dark Knight...Again”(working title) might even see the return of Schwarzenegger as the beloved villain. It is also rumored that President McCormick only agreed to the schools name change under an-
other condition: a role in the next Batman film. McCormick was unavailable for comment about this, but supposedly somebody at Warner Brothers let it slip that his name had been confirmed for a role as “elusive pawn shop clerk.” All of this change may seem rather drastic to longtime Scarlet Knights fans and alumni. However, in a day and age when Batman movies become more important than politics, sex, and stem-cell research, maybe change should be embraced. When Rutgers football star and now Baltimore Raven Ray Rice was
WEATHER OR NOT
Today Tonight
Light Sprinkling of Salt
Fog Like Pea Soup
Friday Same Shit, Different Day
Thursday Same Shit
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News II Opinions M. T. M. M. T. M. Personals Lesbians Arts
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Shop Til You Drop Mofo
Cover by: The Associated Ass Association of Assmerica
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Personals Editors
Paul Winters Colin Fong Gary Klimowicz Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson Al P. Look Behind You! Corey Fineman Dave Imbriaco
Photographer Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor Faculty Advisor
Helen Ortiz Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Al P. Ryan Barton Barbara Reed
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and everything he has done for mallow rights.
THE MIDDLE
OPINIONS
“Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes!”
A Message From the New Opinions Editor Last semester was my first semester at the Medium. I wrote only one article that got published, in the last issue. Based on that, the staff felt that I was more than ready to take on this page. Sure, the critics may say that I may be lacking experience and that I am just a pathetic attempt to get the literally dozens of tall Pol-
ish-Americans on campus to read The Medium. These are just elitist critics that are trying to throw me through the muck just for the sake of it. Oh, how I will prove how wrong they will be. I will use this opinions page to rail against at my enemies, both imaginary and fake, and will lead this page into the 21st century of college
By Torgo Van Pelt is looking at this the wrong way. We should not shun the man for what he did. We should embrace it instead. Think about it, when people think about communism, they think of stuff that scares them. Even in the 1980s when it was starting to become pretty obvious that the Cold War was going to be won, we had fears that the Red Menace was still going to take us over. Two of the most obvious examples of this is Rocky IV, where the difference between autocracy and democracy is just one 15 round heavyweight fight, and Red Dawn, which brings the fear of a Soviet invasion to the silver screen, where in reality, the Soviets equipment would immediately fail, and being impressed by the sight of a McDonalds, they would spend the rest of the movie eating Big Macs. But I digress. What I am trying to say is that Communism has the ability to scare lots of people. And what better way to use this tactic of intimi-
Point-Counterpoint: Convenience Stores
humor paper editorials. You can’t silence me, although it is pretty easy to ignore me, seeing as how I’m in Point: Wawa is the the 3rd page of a publica- Fucking Shit tion you probably picked up to look at free boobs. Yeah, there’s no naked chicks on this page. Try the personals By Jerry Sizzler pages, you may get lucky. The five campuses and five Now, what does an opinions surrounding municipalieditor do again? ties of Rutgers University contain lots of great things. However, there is one thing lacking on campus that every student must have. What we need on campus is a Wawa. It is the epitome of what makes a convenience store great. It has a wide sedation than on the football lection of sodas, and foods. field? Let’s face it. The team Plus, the greatest deli this is looking pretty lost out side of Pluto, where you there. But if we could, our can get cheese-filled pretfanbase could collectively zels and hot dogs with baunite with one uniform mes- con. The gasoline service sage, and there’s no way is swell, plus I saved 50 they could lose. Think about cents on a fill up just by goit. If the students formed ing only 38 miles out of the some sort of Superfan group way. Plus, they feel slightly called “Robeson’s Red cleaner. Take for instance, Army” or something like the Wawa in Three Bridgthat, with them marching es. Now, that my friend is lockstep into the stands with clean. Not as clean, mind old Paul singing his rendi- you as the Wawa in Lintion of the Soviet National croft, but they beat the shit Anthem (Seriously, look it out of the so-called “clean up on YouTube, it’s bizarre- machine” Quick Cheks in ly interesting stuff), while North Branch and Ringoes. holding up propaganda post- And Wawa sounds foreign, ers of him, as well as Coach and as we all know, importSchiano and President Mc- ed stuff is way better than Cormick, this would bring the junky shit that’s made complete fear to the eyes of in the USA. Plus, I was the enemy. Granted, yes, we able to find Stephen Colmight risk the loss of a few bert’s Americone Dream capitalist donors who would Ice Cream at a Wawa first, be shocked by the sight of and not at that faggy Quick what’s going on at the North Chek. Yeah, you heard End Zone, but hey, the pre- right. QuicKKK CheKKK tend overthrow of the Bour- is a faggy store for faggy geoisie in exchange for a homos. Seriously, it took BCS bowl bid would be me 2.9 seconds longer to worth it, right? find a bottle of Stewart’s at the other store. These reasons are why the only hope for Rutgers to go forward is to include that convenience store with the Canadian Goose in the logo.
Using Robeson’s Negatives to Our Advantage It’s fall on the banks, and thus begins a new tradition that I’ve seen pop up: it’s the College Republicans complaining about how their hero and idol Milton Friedman still does not have anything named after himself on campus, and that that good for nothing commie pinko Paul Robeson does. It has appeared the last two years I have been here, and I expect that this will continue to pop up like clockwork. To this I say, “So what?” Yeah, communism is bad blah blah blah and so is Stalin, but really I’ve always found it weird that we’ve generally ignored some more serious atrocities of famous people of the past (like for instance, Charles Lindbergh and others thinking for a brief time that Nazis were kinda swell ), but what Ol’ Man River did was inexcusable to some. But that’s not the point of this, so no angry letters about this please. The point is, while he does have this part of his past that sticks out, everyone
Wednesday, September 17th 2008
Have an opinion about something at RU, in New Brunswick, or elsewhere? Have an angry rant about something that is way longer than a personal ad? Upset about how D2: The Mighty Ducks destroyed U.S.-Icelandic relations? E-mail us these and any other comments you may have at opinions@themedium.net.
Counterpoint: If You Don’t Like Quick Chek, then Fuck You By Milli Ten Eyck You fool, if you shop at Wawa, you should apply for special needs assistance down at the Castle on College Avenue, because you are mentally retarded. Wawa is nowhere near close the awesomeness that is Quick Chek. Yes, you may argue, Quick Chek and Wawa do essentially the same thing with little negligible differences. You are so wrong, my invalid friend. For one Quick Chek is a New Jersey company, and not based in God Damned Pennsyltucky like Wah-Wah. Also the dominant color in the logo is green. Green is fast. Wawa’s color is red. Red is slow. Oh sure, Wawa McWawaerson will claim that the logo is italicized now, make it infinitely faster. But Quick Chek’s logo has always been italicized, and as such, it has had a 30-year I’ll concede that the Deli feels slightly underwhelming in terms of selection. But the surcharge-free ATMs are so much fucking better as they are not just placed in the way back, but in an easy to reach area. Same goes with the Icee machine, and Quick Chek adjusted the mixture of carbon dioxide, syrup, and ice ever so slightly, making the confection pure bliss. Plus, why eat Americone Dream when you can eat Half-Baked Ice Cream? You’ve never said you had that Ben & Jerry’s flavor there, so I will assume the worst. In conclusion, Quick Chek is a man’s store; don’t let the critics fool you.
Editor’s Notes: There was a Third Person arguing in favor of a 7-Eleven, but 7-Eleven sucks, so we didn’t pay attention while he made his argument. Central Jersey forever. Also there was someone arguing for a Quick Stop, but we weren’t sure if it was an actual legitimate editorial, or someone writing while watching Clerks really stoned. Seriously, you could have read that submission both ways.
THE MEDIUM
THE HEROES
MEET THE MEDIUM
“Saving the world?”
Wednesday, September 17rh2008
Personals Editor Business Manager Corey “Mediocrity Man” Fineman was born on a very uneventful day in some boring town in a boring county of the boring state of boring central New Jersey. Throughout his life, he has made a half-ass effort to be as mediocre as possible. This is more evident in his lifetime tradition of getting straight Cs in school, eating store-brand food, having “okay” sex with the 5-rated girls he meets, and writing generally boring comments on his Personals page. However, his mediocrity is the most evident in how fucking shitty and boring this smallass biography of him actually is.
Hail to thee, o readers of the Medium (the order of Monkeys with typewriters who entertain Rutgers every week). Know that I, Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus brings to you, o drunks and sluts of the state university of New Jersey, the files from the great bananna of the members of the conflict which rages on in no way shape or form in no venue whatsoevever. Continue on now, you so called schto meet the editors of the Medium YOUR DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Editor-In-Chief... Wants you!!! Oh yeah give it to me babaaayyy... Encased in a ball of liquid ice, barreling through the universe at light speed, Pablo “Comet” Jose plummeted to the planet earth and landed on Livingston campus approximately two years ago. Unfamiliar with earth customs, he killed four bus drivers and three students before using his super cool power of “Brain Eating” or Breating as it is called on his home planet. He then bumbled into a meeting of The Medium. Using his power of “Common Sense” or Commense as it is called on his home plante, he was able to see that the people at The Medium were mad cool yo!!! Word!!! After raising through the ranks by using his super cool powers, he became the EIC after a short period of time. Nowadays, Pablo can be seen using his super cool powers of “Flying under communist killing” which is an acronym for FUCK. Strangely the acronym still works out when written in both Pablo’s language and English. Pablo mostly just flies around, scrambling the brains of the writers and readers of The Centurion, The Rutgers Review, Black Voice Carta Latino, Green Print, and The Daily Targum.
News Editor POW! You hear that shit? It’s heroing happening, right before your eyes. In this circumstance, it was our mighty News Editor rending a bank robber limb from limb! You might think that bank robbery does not deserve a death sentence, but fuck you. You don’t have powers. And don’t get me started on the Superhero Registration Act. Tony Stark is an asshole. John “Bending” Bender has the power to move earth with his mind and the power to move you. With said earth. And generally the move kills you. Feel lucky that you are not a villain, what with your trying to rob banks, or museums exibiting ancient evils, or a family walking out of their local playhouse’s rendition of “Zorro”. But sometimes, he’ll let you get away with some transgressions. If you want to steal his heart, for example. He’s cool with that.
Gary K., known as the almighty and savior of Edison (town with Indians and Asians on the surface and tons of Bikers underneath the veil), NJ was knighted last night by Queen Elizabeth after a two week long ceremony honoring his many achievements and contributions to society. He is best known for his works in the Arts, Philosophy, and Literature. According to Leslie Lipco, “He’s so modest too. I asked him about his works and he let me fondle his nuts and told me he dabbled in this and that. I haven’t washed my hands since”. She then proceeded to petrify the microphone and the CSN Network let her keep it. Gary’s latest achievement, the introduction of the concept of Gramps Law was welcomed with much fanfare. This principle revolutionizes the treatment of the elderly and disabled. In an interview with Gary, he said, “I’m tired of seeing old and gimp people. They’re tired of seeing me. Let’s separate them Gramps and put them in a home.”. Critics of Gramps Law, believe that it is the dumbest theory they’ve ever heard, is equivalent to putting old and decrepit people in nursing homes and is about as meaningful to society as the giant poo that Gary took and presented to the public as Art. It recieved rave reviews at the Mason Gross School of art, and has since brought a fine smell to the Zimerelli Museum of Art.
Features Editor
A typical metalhead, entered a typical boring philosophy lecture, mindlessly let his brain fly away from the rest of his body, when it hit him. He had superpowers; he never realized it before, but he noticed with philosophy tools, he can prove it. He then immediately stormed out and stared at a traffic light to turn it green. About 15 seconds later, it worked! Before you say what I think you are going to say, his definition of superhero was someone who can make traffic lights turn green. And of course, no one knows how traffic lights work, so he was able to take control of the light. Anyway, he then tried to use his powers to get an easy A from his professor, but unfortunately, he discovered that he was actually a powerful supervilian. After an endless mind battle, he flailed in defeat. Today he is still a metalhead except now, he has the ability to make giant bronze heads play dead at will. I initially had my doubts that he actually did that, but when I called him out, he countered by asking if there was any other way that could have been done. I’m now thoroughly convinced of his superpowers.
Wedhumpday, September 17th 2008
THE VILLAINS
“We know the difference between right and wrong, it’s just that wrong is more fun.”
THE MEDIUM
Personals Editor “The Rutgers Ravager” a.k.a. Dave Imbriaco the biggest menace facing the Rutgers community. Spawned in Lebanon, NJ, he came crawling to Rutgers with the attitude of, “whatever, it’s just Rutgers, anyone can get into there,” and became incredibly proud of RU when we were still kicking ass at football. He is despised in the Rutgers community for containing every trait that would make you kick his ass if you were ever to encounter him in person. When he’s not using up all the toilet paper in the stalls of your dorm bathroom, he’s leaving full rolls soaked in water. He types really loud on his laptop in class, and is the guy who doesn’t get the hint that your girlfriend isn’t interested in him when he hangs off of her at bars. He can be seen on A and B busses standing in the middle of the bus, refusing to move back when a ton of people want to get on. After screaming with his unfunny and dorky friends at the dining hall, he never takes his tray back to the wash station. He loves the cartoony Scarlet Knight at the football games and doesn’t miss Ray Rice. Although he is one of the personals editors, most of his personals are not submissions. Rather, the personals are actually profane lines yelled at him by the general Rutgers community when he ruins your day.
Managing Editor MWUHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Before you even think about blinking, Colin “the crusher” Fong master of doom will have already done it for you with a mother fuckin ninja sword. Slashin shit up without reason, this elusive master of disguise is so slick he will have you crapping your pants and licking your wounds at the same time, hoping that he will come back and cut your ass up again. That’s pretty fucked up. What is the reason for his murderous reign? To stock his secret lair with all of the sickest video games; that only the stupid would still try to conceal from him in their houses. Known for crushing houses in one stomp with his massive yet glorious cave man feet, this master of doom has only one weakness, the glare from the face of the cutest kitty cats.
Senior Editor Agent Orange is the senior-most drunk of the army of the dead... linguists. She is commonly seen all over the four campuses of Rutgers University with an alcoholic beverage always in her hand going down her throat. It is her mission to drink everywhere imaginable, from under the Grease Trucks of Rutgers to the 6 shower stall in house 6 quad 6. She just loves drinking and cannot stop. She drinks everything too. From cheap beer to sake, absinthe, and even some stuff you find in the WrightChemistry laboratory. SHe has very bad hygiene as well. In this photo she is taking what her definition of a bath is, in a washing machine. And of course she has a drink in her hand doing what she does best, the specialty of Slutgers every Thursday night.
Staff Photographer Helen Ortiz AKA La Chupacabra Taco is the 24th Most Feared super villain that is located between the Tropic of Cancer and The Equator when the temperature is above 94.3 degrees Fahrenheit in the rainy season during a leap year. Slowly, she has advanced through the villainy ranks by defeating such heroes such as Captain Cheap, Easily Obtainable Prescription and Untapped Oil Reserve Man. When not actually fighting the crime of fighting crime, she takes pictures for The Medium’s varied sections. Her past work includes the breasts of Playmate Dr. Victoria Zorok, assorted Medium editors and Ashley Tisdale, well, it’s not full high beams but a decent photoshoppable nip slip, if you catch my drift.
Arts Editor / Staff Artist The elusive Al P. is best known as the evil controller of magick markers. Now these magick markers are like no other kind: the pictures drawn by them come to life to do Al’s most heinous bidding. From inspiring that Spongebob episode where the evil Doodlebob terrorizes Bikini Bottom to her infamous sexy/dick pic hunts which are very much enjoyed by Medium editors and staffers alike at weekly meetings, Al P. is unstoppable. The magickal dicks that come to life under her dexterous fingers are more than satisfying; one might even say they are satisfying-er.
Opinions Editor Jake “Lucky” Lewandowski Gaining fame at a young age, Lucky is known as the first person born in outer space. As he was being borned, the amniotic fluid got into all the flight instruments and wreaked havoc. Just then a cosmic ray emission originating from our sun paralyzed the space station. A rescue mission was dispatched immediately, but it was too late. The oxygen supply wasn’t enough to sustain everyone and they all perished except Jake, thus earning him the nickname Lucky. It was soon discovered the cosmic ray emission had a lasting effect: young Lucky could burn people’s anuses by pointing his finger at them. He grew up with the pain of being an orphan and vowed to seek revenge on the late-coming rescue crew. His famous saying is “Just aks yo’self, you wanna mess with this, punk?”
THE MEDIUM To the hot girl in my Econ class: thanks for letting me sit near you. I’m sure I was a welcome change to that empty seat next to you. But it wasn’t all fun and games, the dude next to make stank like shit. You’re w e l c o m e . I sure am glad we’re spending money on a stadium expansion considering we play like this. Sure is embarrassing when we play like shit. (We’ll be doing that a lot recently. I sure as shit miss Ray Rice and Jeremy Ito now. Come back mah niggas!) It’s a reverse fire! Throwing rocks and dirt on it won’t help, so let’s add logs! Jethro Qwalmstithy, if you’re reading, I want you to know I miss you and wish you the best. And because I want only to honor my best friend’s wishes, everything is ok. Long live the good times. -Agent Orange (Good times, bad times, I know you’ve had your share.) Why is that some days I don’t poop and others, I’m shitting my brains out all day long? I bet it has something to do w/ the parasites in my GI tract. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Yeah, you know the rest of the words. Rickroll’d by text! My airsoft gun is extra soft. You know what I’m talking about? No. Well it’s a dildo; that’s the joke. Dude, have you ever watched the episodes of South PArk, before the show got all political. That shit is fucking hilarious. Check out some f the stuff from season 2, hil-fuckingarious. Now I’m not saying that South Park being political is bad, but the stuff before is a work of tru genius. To HO, luv ya babe. Good luck on your clinicals, I know it’l be a lot of work, but you’ll do good. eyem in ur secshun, rightin ur pursunals Hey, I’m the fucking treasurer, so why is nobody treasuring me, [sheds emo tear] (Because anything involving money is stupid. I mean, look at the Allocations Committee. That guy couldn’t say deficit correctly. Deh-feh-sit. XOXO A.C.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
“I need a quote...” To that chick at the Football game, you’re a fuckin’ bitch. That guy you met up with just wanted to buy you nachos, and you completely blew him off. The man just wants to feed you and get in your pants. I hope you’re reading this and eventually blow that guy.
Stop whipping me with your towel. I know you’re excited that you got one, but when you spin it like a helicopta, it’s really annoying
To the Indian REXL driver... We all know you are a badass with your mutton chops and all, (Nacho flavored fellatio. but did you need to stop The spiciest of sexies.) the bus and get out to To that kid who flipped off see your friend? Srsly, WTF. the camera at the UNC game: (He was trying to give off you are fucking awesome. the air that he has a life Way to rep Jersey correctly! outside of that bus route. Harvey Dent is the most emo But really, true bus driver villain ever. I mean really, she friends are the ones that died, you look like honk at each other as they shit, but honestly. go bye and wave. That’s (Have you ever heard Mag- what a real friend is.) fat chicks, gie Gyllenhaal die over Dear a phone? Yeah I didn’t Where are you? My friends think so! Oh you have? I and I keep looking around the guess you saw The Dark campus for you but we can Knight then. My bad.) never seem to find enough to I cant tell if Yuengling is satisfy our chubby chasing better in a can, bottle, or ways. When is your feeding draft - they all tase the same! time? What high calorie foods do you prefer? Do you (That’s the problem with want me to get you that extra really good beers, they’re plate of french fries? Can I fucking awesome no matgo swimming in your “huge ter what. Ok, well, not reboobs” that you always think ally good beers, but it’s guys are looking at when my favorite kind of beer. they’re really just pissed that The more you know.) you blocked the sun again? If Spore has taught me any- Bulk up ladies. thing, it’s that we’ll never (Come to a meeting. My be able to explore space people will talk to your unless one country rules us people. We’ll discuss it all. Oh well, I guess we’ll over a bucket of KFC.) never meet aliens after all. Fuck, I think somebody To D.H.O., yes you. You just shit my pants. (Ok I yell at me for not cleanknow this joke has been ing the apartment and then used before in Medium start saying that you don’t history, and I think it was have to clean when G.K. Pablo Jose’s but whatever, comes over. WTF. And now he’s been in me, so it’s ok.) it turns out that you invited someone over today when hey my name is corey I love I wasn’t around and you pink markers, and I think fucking expected me to wendy’s is soo awesome clean your shit up. Eat a cat. (I do. It’s my guilty pleaEconomists are fucking sure. Some people like grabidiots. I mean honestly, in bing asses, Russian Titties, the fucking textbook they animal porn, or Ben and go over who Issac Newton Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.) is over five times. The first To that girl on the LX Thurschapter is all about justi- day, yes I did grab your fying how there’s mon- ass. It wasn’t an accident. ey in economics. Is that (See comment above.) some sort of shitty pun to Daniel, it’s your Mother. I make yourself feel better can’t figure out where I put about your shitty major? the screwdriver. Do you (If my Economics Professor know where I put it? I mean, is reading this, I don’t mean I know you were using it beyou, I mean that other guy. fore me, but then I used it for My writing this is an oppor- something and I can’t find it tunity cost: humor versus my now. Please call me as soon grade in your class. I export as you get this. You never funny, you export GPAs.) call your Mother enough.
PERSONALS GUIDELINES:
By Little Naughty Bagels
NAUGHTY’S NO-NO’S 1. No Full Names. - Don’t make it TOO obvious that you hate your roommate. 2. Nothing Illegal. - Don’t tell us how you beat the shit out of someone. While it makes good shock humor, it’s illegal, and the RUPD will actually come after you. Also, it won’t be printed; no one wins. 3. Please Send Stuff From Eden. - We get a lot of spam from places outside of Rutgers, so if you send it from an Eden account, it looks different. Thus, it will get printed. Freshmen: I thought we talked about this already; stop taking busses. You’re making it impossible for me to get to classes.
Getting from Busch to Livingston in 20 minutes is physically impossible. Fuck you busses. Where’s
my
chippy?
(There’s
my
chippy.)
(Just wait until midterms come around and all the Freshman fail their midterms cause they think college is just like high school. Either way, it happens to all of us, so stop going to classes.) My Intro to Linear Algebra teacher is really into telling us all to get each other’s email addresses. I think he just wants us all to be friends. No offense sophomores or whatever year you all are, but I don’t want to know you outside of sitting behind me. The personal below is true. The personal above is false. Well I get up at seven, yeah and I go to work around nine. I got no time for livin yeah, I’m working all the time. Seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am. That’s why they call me the Orkin man. They call me the Orkin man. I guess that’s what I am. This fucking coversation about people writing biographies for people is the most confusing shit ever. Use less names!!!!!! ...is that,
this best! double
True true!
Bender is way better than Beddoe. JB 3.0 FTW!!!
I’m out of personals idea. I’m still jittery from coffee. Submit more things. What we got here was awesome, but we could always use more! Mary Moe art a vegetarian. She doesnt eat meat but certainly enjoys sex. Cheryl, no problem for the shout out. You are now given a second shout out. I think you should secretly put my name in an artcile, like capitolize the first letters in my name throughout an article. Kthnx. (Looking over this page, I didn’t put enough comments in. I’m sorry Rutgers community. I have failed you. Submit things for me to comment on. I would really like it. I’M A.F.!!! I USE THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS
MEETINGS: VERY YES.
Come to our meetings in the Colleve Ave Student Center, Room 439, Wednesdays at 9:00 PM. There will be cake.
2008 17, September, Wednesday To that girl I was sitting next to on the EE bus playing a game on her phone. Thanks to the seats being so tight I was forced to sit so close to you that we could actually rub our thighs. Needless to say, I got this huge boner that wouldn’t go away for an hour. If you’re reading this then you know who I am. How about exchanging numbers, so my boner can go someplace wet and warm. (OOOOOOooh, I like it...) Big crazy crash towers. Tumble building (I don’t get it. See people? We even print shit that doesn’t make any fucking sense, like what you just read.) TO THE KID THAT TALKS A SHITLOAD IN RELIGION AND POLITICS CLASS: YOU ARE AN ANNOYANCE, I HOWEVER GET OFF TO YOU MAKING A JACKASS OF YOURSELF IN FRONT OF 80 OTHER PEOPLE 10-12 TIMES A CLASS... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK TOOLBAG... AND GIVE IT UP, YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE OF BANGIN THE HOT CHICK YOU ALWAYS MAKE A POINT OF SITTING NEXT TO. (This had a lot of potential to be funny until you mentioned that you got off, meaning are sexually aroused, by someone acting like a douche in class. You have bigger issues than said douche bag, and I would also guess that you are in fact a closeted homosexual. Seek psychiactric help. Not to mention typing in all caps makes you look just as stupid as the kid you’re insulting, unless you’re yelling, to which I would suggest anger management classes.) Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a piss and a little turd pops out unexpectedly? (Yeah, it sucks ass. Not to mention somewhat embarressing when it happens at a frat. The brothers are all too willing to help you get it back up there, if you know what I mean.) It’s so bloody windy out there I think my toupee just blew off
PERSONALS
Ass wipers = adult baby wipes (Yet another one I don’t understand.) When I’m at a party like to lick all the ice cubes and put them back in their tray. From - NOT the senior editor! (I’m surrounded by freaks here. HELP!) Those bite marks may or may not have come from me (This issue is really starting to creep me out.) What the fuck is Rutg e r s Y O U . c o m ? (I don’t know and I don’t care. Probably something gay.) Dear Professor, you smell worse than a necklace of Satan’s vaginas. How can your B.O. be so bad that it stinks up an entire lecture hall? I don’t give a shit what you’re religion is, clean your fucking body and your clothes or else I am going to start wearing surgical masks and lighting scented candles on my desk! (Finally, a normal personal!) Stop! Space-time! (What about Hammer time? You can’t touch that either!) What’s with all the lame physics jokes that seem to be taking over the Personals pages? Do manatees have nutsacks? Yes. Go and lick it.) Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spamity spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam, wonderful spaaaaaaam, spamy spamity spaaaaaaaaaaaam (Shut the fuck up.) I am so excited to watch Monty Python’s Life of Brian in my New Testament class! The ultimate cocktail - Red Bull, vodka, Ensure. Caffiene, alcohol, calories. Sex on the toilet: one part vodka, two parts breast milk. Shake, pour over ice. Serve in a baby bottle (Wow, people will drink ANYTHING these days.) John McCain: Putting the “Old” in the “Grand Old Party!” Leave Bristol Alone! All you bastards just take and take from her! If I took the chip out of that Terminator chick’s head to disable her, I would immediatly touch her boobies. But would sex with her be considered necrophilia or robophilia??
“I need one too...”
The Rock Band Demo Booth outside the Rutgers Student Center on Wednesday was a great chance to meet my fellow talentless musicians and awful singeres. I give it 5 stars. I love that game. (Ok, I need to say something important here. Fag Band and Guitar Queer-o are two of the fucking WORST things to ever enter the world of video games. Seriously people, stop fucking PRETENDING to play guitar, bass, or drums and how about LEARNING TO PLAY THE FUCKING INSTRUMENT FOR REAL YOU LAZY FUCKING DIPSHITS!!!! Also, you’re singing is fucking horrible. Don’t quit your day job.) Has anyone played Heroin Hero yet? I hear its big among former Guitar Hero playeres. Corey is a fag. Tim sucks dick This girl I know requires any dick that goes in her to be minimum 8 inches. The problem is you need a 16 inch dick to get through all of her fat just to find her barren twat. (Wow, I forgot how great of a word “twat” was. Twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat!) If I ever rob a bank, I will use the name “Also Known As”. This way I’ll be Joe Blow aka. aka. ( F a i l . ) Why do criminals have pen names anyway? (Because they’re smarter than you, apparently.) Slavery: it gets shit done! Just ask the people who built the Pyramids! To my shitty American Studies class: I FUCKING HATE THE ROLLING STONES! Stop showing me fucking Stones documentaries! I hate you and I hate your existence and I hate just everything that you stand for! I need a fucking cigarette... To that stupid f-ing bitch in my Adolescent Development class: its too fucking bad that you can’t focus and take notes at the same time. Maybe if you weren’t using all your energy in learning how to crade the balls and choke properly, you wouldn’t have this problem. Btw, I hate you.
Medium Poll:
THE MEDIUM
The beginning of the year, and really all of first semester, is very difficult for a certain group of people: Yes, I’m talking about all of us non-freshman who have to deal with all of these stupiud mother fucking freshman. What do you hate most about Freshman? A. Their pussies are so tight that you can’t fit in them B. Same deal for their assholes (Bonus points if its during a fraternity hazing) C. How they insist that they have the right to personal space on the campus buses D. When they nag you for directions, so you send them to Cook when they ask where Scott Hall is E. They think they can drink 4 Keystone Lights without throwing up.
To that fucking bitch on the LX bus that was complaining about how she wants to go to Montreal because it’s cheaper. FUCK YOU! Also, you must be a real dumbass to not realize that when you pass out from drinking and don’t know what happened when you wake up, you’re ‘friends’ aren’t there to look after you. They left as soon as the burly homeless man took you into his bench. I got my drink and my 2-step (No, you don’t, whitey.) Well well well, looks like our beloved football team is once again back to sucking. Now we’re $120 million in the hole and Big Dick McCormick and his butt buddy Schiano are caught with each other’s dicks in their mouthes and thumbs up their asses.
What is the guy in that picture on, and where can I get some? My weed is better than your weed! I’m disappointed in the Targum this year. They said they were improving it, but it still hurts a little when I wipe my ass with it. A B C D E F G H I JKLMNOPQRSTUVQXYZ FUCKNUTS! (Put your personal here! We got a decent amount this week, but we always want more and more, like a good, reliable heroin junkie. Send your submissions to personals@themedium. net and tell us what’s on your mind. I promise, I’ll only make fun of you if your submission sucks, but I’ll still print it! -Editor) By the time you read this, I’ll be dead.
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “ ZOINKS!!!!
SpooCOCKular Scooby DoOBIE Picture Search
By Meat Head Sandwich
JINKIES!!, THE MEDIUM staff is at it again. This week we hopped aboard the mystery machine to hang with some of our closest curious pals, but after hangin with Shaggy in the back of the van the only mystery we felt like solving was where to get some friggen scooby snacks. This spookalicous gang-bang broke out before we could even think to wonder where the fuck are you, Scooby doo? So Like, wow! Get searching...see if you can solve this mystery. But ruh-roh, better hurry if you want to get a scooby snack, that’s a fact! CAN YOU FIND: + 37 Dicks + Scooby’s bone ( a dog bone -not the other bone, you perv) + 5 skulls + A Flashlight + A burger +Scooby Snax + A condom + the words “corn fucky” + A Pentagram + About 10 vaginas + A candy cane + ASSorted shitting asses + Shaggy’s Bong Your old pals: *Shaggy doing what he does best *Daphne “coming on Scooby Doo” *Fred getting his mystery solved *Scrappy Dappy DO *The wax phantom *Snow ghost *The Phantom shadow * Velma ( ewww)
What is shaking?
We’ve moved this week due to Meet the Medium. Enjoy this small, joyless chunk off the Arts Section, which probably has dicks on it. WHAT A REACH HE MADE WITH THAT ASSUMPTION. There’s only like... 2 things happening this week. WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?
Rutgers Pride!
Some band called... “Glad Hearts” is playing. Uh... the info: Friday, 19 September, Octopus Studios, 8 Seaman Street They’re playing with some bands called... oh god... The Delfields, Fun Machine, and Half Brother. It’s at 6:30 PM and here’s some good news; you just pay what you want. Here’s what the real shit is: FUCKING FREE TRANSIT WEEK! LET’S ALL GO TO NEW YORK AND CROWD UP THE BUSSES AND PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. I HOPE SOME DRUNK RACISTS STAND NEXT TO ME AGAIN, BECAUSE I NEVER TIRE OF HEARING NEW, DISTURBING RATING SYSTEMS FOR THE DIFFERENT RACES. YOU BETTER HOPE YOU’RE A “ONE”.
Here’s to one hundred and twenty million wasted dollars! What joy we shall have. What’s that? You want to take a class? Ha-ha. That’s a good one.