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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
Volume XXXVII - Issue XII
NEWS SHORTS Greg Schiano Lays Golden Eggs Weekly Piscataway- It has recently been discovered that Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano actually lays one golden egg a week which would justify him earning over a million dollars a year. He discovered this ability after a long fought fight with some Tex-Mex food from Brower. “I just chopped wood and squeezed the little bastard out,” said Schiano.
Rug Doctors Sued for Mal-Practice Plano, Texas- Justice was finally served in a small Texas town as the Gonzalez family won their $750,000 Malpractice suit against “Rug Doctors”. It turns out that the supposed “Doctors” never went to medical school and they tried to cover it up with a carpet steaming business. The damages claimed by the Gonzalez family were that the Doctors burned their son to death while also pouring cleaning chemicals down his throat which left a lemony scent on the corpse. The family did however note how well the Doctor handled the stains on the carpet.
ESTABLISHED 1970
Students to Room With Homeless BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick- In an extremely desperate move to solve the student housing crisis, Rutgers officials announced a radical new plan to get students more permanent housing by moving them in with willing homeless “hosts” as spaces become available. “We felt that this would both satisfy our mandate to provide students with the housing we guaranteed them while also fulfilling Rutgers University’s desire to become more active in the community,” said Michael Imperiale, the executive director of housing, “and we hope that this program will become a permanent feature of our great university!” Currently, Rutgers students who do not have a permanent residence are being temporarily housed in of
campus apartments, hotels, etc. until a more permanent solution can be found. After much deliberation, a final plan was agreed upon by the administration and it was outlined in a Tuesday press briefing in Scott Hall. “The official plan is give hotel students the option to move out of the hotel and receive $200 on their RU Express card in exchange for permanent residency!” exclaimed Imperiale, “already we have had a positive response from those students who have opted for the move! Ok! No more questions? Great! Later!” Before Imperiale could run out of the room, he was immediately bombarded with questions about the rumors of students getting shanked and mugged
Zac Morris is shown here with “Crazy Toes” Jim by their homeless side-walk mates to which he responded, “Uh...well...we haven’t really heard from...Hey! How are those Football teams doing?!” According to New Brunswick Police reports, 23 students have had multiple crimes committed on them on a “daily” to “hourly” basis which has left 20
of them hospitalized which has incurred $12,980 of various medical bills/expenses. When asked about this alarming number, Craig Wilson, a long time New Brunswick homeless resident and Chairman of The Eating His Own Shit Committee said “Got change for a Happy Meal?” then passed out.
Rutgers Sells Naming Rights to New Stadium Trojan to Christen “SexuallyResponsible.com Field” in 2009 BY TAPEWORM JONES Contributing Writer
Piscataway- In the wake of recent developments concerning the lack of funding for the proposed stadium expansion, Rutgers has decided to sellout to Trojan ® Brand, the international authority on condoms and sexual accessories. Trojan is expected to cover nearly all of the funding, including a new phallic shaped roof covered in what appears to be a resevoir-tipped Pleasure-Max condom.
When asked about the new sponsorship, Bob Mullbaby stated, “Trojan Brand is very reliable, America’s most trusted brand! If I were banging a whore, I would choose Trojan on my own. But that’s supposing a lot. The great news is that now we actually have them on our side. And it brings a lot more attention and safety to our program.” A sales-representative said that the new sponsorship helps both communities; the university community as well as the
Trojan consumer base. As long as Rutgers wins, so does Trojan. And when Rutgers loses, “well... Trojan will pull-out. But they say they are strong and durable partners, so they may not pull-out. They might just bang out as much as they can. Their advertisements, that is...and this is what they specialize in. They know when to pull out or when to hit it” Free condoms will be given out with every free shirt at each football game. On another note,
ESTABLISHED 1970
Nike is also in talks with Trojan about a possible merger between the two brands. They plan to start an add campaign around their new “Nike Swoosh” condoms by changing their motto from “Just Do It” to “Just Do It...With Adequate Protection?”
THE MEDIUM
US & WORLD “I’m bringing in Vapo-Rub and Pussy”
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
Welcome to Rutgers...Again... An Editorial Guide For Returning
‘Sup sophomores. While the other papers and publications on campus are taking time out of their busy schedules of dick-sucking to do an introductory article to all the little freshmen, I’m going to buck that trend and shoot you ass holes another one, because you refuse to fucking learn.
That is your hatred of fresh- means of dealing with such men. It is new and it reminds a horror. you that you are alive. The next time you hear This feeling gets bigger, “DURR WER HIK MAN stronger, and nigh-over- HAL AT HURR BURR,” whelming during several do not panic. All you need circumstances. When you to do is to click your heel wait for a bus for almost an against the ground, triggerhour, and you can’t get on ing the mechanism that rebecause it’s already crowded veals the blade you have in with bodies, so you’re stuck your boot toe. Then it is a Ok, I think I’ll start with a waiting for another hour is simple manner of slicing the very important topic. This one such circumstance. idiot freshman’s Achille’s important topic is that burntendon, reminding him ing, bubbling, caustic feel- Don’t worry, however, I with every push of his new ing you have in your gut. have scientifically formu- wheelchair not to ask stupid You’re probably wondering lated a basic and powerful questions. what that is.
The next topic is your precalculus class faster. britches. Specifically your size relative to them. Actually, if you see an angry editor-looking motherDo not think you are hot fucker, I would recommend shit just because you’re not not stepping on his shoes, a freshman anymore. Do especially if there’s a plateyou push around people on glass window nearby. the bus to get through? Do you think you should be Godspeed and good luck in in the front of every line? the semester ahead, CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Cal-En You don’t deserve ANY ex- Managing Editor tra shit you motherfucker. You’re lucky I don’t throw you through a plate-glass window every time one of you little shits steps on my shoes trying to get to your
John Edwards Forced to Work In Mill Won’t Shut the Fuck Up About the Irony BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
Shitsburg, VA- Former Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards (DNC) has been in a downward spiral since his extramarital affair was revealed earlier this summer. He was mocked by the right, shunned by the left, and eventually completely forgotten by the public. No one has known what happened to him, until now. Sources close to The Medium have now revealed that John Edwards has now been completely shunned out of the political, law, and activist fields. It has now gotten to the point, that in order to pay for his bills, he has been forced to take a job working
at a random steel mill somewhere in the Rust Belt. Early reports from his co-workers indicate general satisfaction with his performance. However, there have been major complaints about his discussion. “Don’t get me wrong he’s been a good worker, but nearly every time I talked to him, he would begin to spout stuff about how the roll of dice put him in a mill. And how awesome mill workers are. Oh, and did you know his father was a mill worker? This was sorta cool the first time, but after 1,972 times, it really gets to you.” Another worker
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
US/World News Features Opinions Arts Personals Lesbians Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Finance Hi-nance Wi-Finance What About My Pants?
Cover by: The Oneders Appreciation Society
Despite lower-middle class job, Edwards remains a total prick concurred. “I can’t imagine how many times he told me about the Two Americas and how he is now fortunate to be a part of both Americas. Newsflash buddy: you’re in Shitsville, USA. Stop being so enlightened.” Both of these workers agree that this rhetoric has annoyed his supervisors Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor Personals Editors
to the point that he’s about to be canned. Not everybody has been turned off by this continuance of Edwards’s annoying one-dimensional rhetoric. In fact, this recent turn of events has poked interest of some people in New Jersey. The municipality of Paul Winters Colin Fong Gary Klimowicz Jake Lewandowski John Bender Tim Swanson Al P. Barbara Reed Corey Fineman Dave Imbriaco
Clinton, a town located in Hunterdon County in the western part of the state, has expressed to hire Edwards to give tours for their red mill you always see in random postcard photographs.
Photographer What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Helen Ortiz The Dreams of Children Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Al P. Ryan Barton
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to the Milton Bradley, who brought more joy to people’s hearts then the shyster team of Friedman and Goldberg ever could.
THE MEDIUM 27 Things that Incoming Freshmen should probably know... Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
FEATURES
“The destination for shiznit that doesn’t fit in other sections...”
1) Please flush the toilet... 2) The Medium accepts everyone and anyone that is a Rutgers student so feel free to submit anything and everything... 3) If you live on Livingston, you suck... 4) If you live on Busch, well, there’s a reason why your dining hall has a Chinese food station and the occasional somosa... 5) For those Busch people out there, know that you have sacrificed convenience for luxury. You will walk at least quarter of a mile to your dining hall, your friend in the other dorm on your campus, is probably half-a-mile walk away, and if you are lucky then a bus stop may be less than a quarter mile away from your dorm, but you got spacious air-conditioned dorms so everyone else can go fuck themselves, right... 6) For those of you living on College Ave that are planning on sleeping on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! 7) Will you PLEASE flush the toilet already... 8) If you live on Cook, know that your dorms are falling apart... 9) If you live on Douglass, please refer any lesbians you see to us at the Medium... 10) The architect who designed Lucy Stone Hall was high on something... 11) If a frat party demands a ratio any higher than 3:1, then chances are you ladies may not (or may) wanna be there... 12) If getting into a Fraternity requires you do anything of which the definition escapes you, then there is a good reason why you do not know the definition and you should probably run to the hills for the sake of your bodily dignity... 13) Phat sandwiches will eventually make you fat, and then you won’t be so phat after all... 14) For those of you that may not have realized it yet, there is a correlation between the terms Brower half-hour and Browner-downer... 15) If you live on Livingston, then the freshmen fifteen means you lose weight... 16) FUCKING FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET ALREADY GOD DANMIT!!!!!! 17) Yes we The Medium take submissions, no we do not screen our writers...
18) Please, describe your sexcapades on the bus as loud as possible on your cell phone, seriously, we all enjoy that... 19) If you do not use protection, refer to the poll on the second page of personals... 20) You must watch two girls and one cup... YOU MUST!!! 21) As you imbibe more alcohol, unattractive chicks exponentially become more and more attractive... 22) Hey Tinsley people, say hello to your cockroach friends... 23) OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU HAVE NOT FUCKING FLUSHED THE BLODDY FUCKING TOILET AL-FUCKING-READY!!! THAT TURD IS SIX INCHES LONG AND IS STICKING OUT OF THE WATER AND YOU HAVE NOT FLUSHED IT YOU HUGE (literally) FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!! 24) If you don’t know who she has been with, assume there is high mileage and some pushing back of the dial... 25) The Medium is the best source for news and everyweek shit that you will ever need in Rutgers University, fuck the Targum... 26) Quality of everything in this University progressively deteriorates with each passing year, get used to the fact that you newbies are pretty much screwed... 27) And now, the final, most vital, and important facet of Rutgers University that you must know about for sake of your graduation and collegiate career along with the future of your livlihood is(Continued on Page 9) How to contribute your own stuff to The Medium... News@themedium.net - Know something in the news that is of importance or lack thereof, send it to this place. Opinions@themedium.net - Got a rant or editorial about how society is pissing you off. Think something is screwed up or absolutely cool, this is who you send it to. Personals@themediium.net- Random thoughts, one liners, and short opinions are not rejected by us, their place is here. Features@themedium.net - Is what you have to say too long for personals and yet does not fit in the News, opinions, and editorials then I send it over to me at the above address. Arts@themedium.net - Are you an artist? Are you not an artist. Got art? Got milk? Do I need to explain? Do I need to ask these dumb questions? Managing@themedium.net - Contact us here. We meet at 9:00 P.M every Wednesday in room 439 of the Rutgers student center, any and everyone is welcome to come.
THE OPINIONS MEDIUM Welcome to the Listservs Most Important Paper at Rutgers
Wednesday, Septober 10th 2008
“You can putitonthebooooard... YES!!”
By Agent Orange Senior Editor Another year, another summer, another lovely fall of buses packed full of sweaty, lost freshmen. This year will be awesome, just like my summer. Yes, you know it, I have an air conditioned, carpeted single room. And just like my summer, I will spend my time in there alone, drinking warm malt liquor, and contemplating the myriad of careers my Latin major offers. But most importantly, I would like to impart some wisdom to my young, fresh faced, barely legal, ex-cheerleading, big breasted readers: namely that it costs $1.50 to ride the buses and that, like The New York Times, The Medium prints all the news that’s fit to print. Like about that totally rad party, bro, when that drunk slut flashed
you and she had an extra nipple! Sure, it hasn’t happened yet, but trust me, by October, it will, and when it does, it will be in this paper. Maybe even with a picture, if you’re smart. That’s right, YOU. Because with submissions from real Rutgers students about things real Rutgers students want to read, real Rutgers students (like you) would be stuck with the same three articles The Targum prints every week, every semester, every year. And I know so because this is my 4th year of using The Targum to wipe my ass and my 4th year of lulz with The Medium. Oh, and one last word- if you get asked to engage in a cheese eating contest at the train station, just say no.
My last Rutgers Will and testamet(i.e. some overly long personal we should have published back in May and are not putting this here to fill in extra space due to a lack of content) i only liked my friends at rutgers, its the only thing that made this school bearable. some staff members need to remember that we (the students) are the ones who pay them, so we should be treated with respect. some teachers had an agenda to fail as many students as possible (Chemistry Department ), please push urself off the Hickman bridge. Nicholas dorm has ASBESTOS! thank you for informing the students when they moved in and not prior to. Thank you for not turning on the heat because “the sun shines on my side of the building, making it more warm than the opposite side of Nicholas”. because that makes total sense in november Thank you to all the advisors that advised me to take
classes that were harder than my requirements, and caused me to fail. please put increase the parking; parking fees increase every year but the number of spaces doesnt... i may have failed calculus, but that math doesnt add up! parking ticket people..i hope you all die of cancer.. you especially baldly. please put gutters on cook college, the whole campus floods when it rains-screw the fish. Thank you to the dining hall...fried clams, chicken pattys and chicken fingers always brought a smile to my face. keep up the good omelets! -class of ‘07 but became jan ‘08
By Manny J. Rutgers calls itself a public research university or a “public ivy league” school even. I used to think that meant most folks who are here are smart. I found out yesterday that this is nothing more than wishful thinking. Atleast 200 people who go to Rutgers are stupid fucks. Maybe there are twice as many or even more of them here. (explanation follows later) Or maybe it’s two people who are a hundred times stupider than the average human being. Whichever of these be the true reason behind it, there is no doubt that a large amount of STUPID at Rutgers. Lemme show you why:
On May 3, the email gods at Rutgers went crazy. Hundreds of us received as many as 200 emails via the Rutgers Commuters Listserv. The perpetrators? Them aforementioned stupid folks. These people toss around the word “listserv” as if everyone and their grandma knows what it means, and yet, clearly, these idiots don’t have the faintest idea that when you send an email to a listserv address, EVERYBODY who’s on the mailing-list gets your message. Well, it isn’t that simple actually. These idiots complain about excessive email/spam from /abuse of the listserv by SENDING more mail to the listserv. Talk about the recursive display of idiocy! The stupid ones get annoyed about receiving unnecessary email by replying to it and not understanding that they too, will receive their own email and just add to/create the problem. How does all this get started? Three factors are responible for it: 1. One is the stupidity of the previously discussed folks.
And Idiots
Hey, you want the email to stop? DON’T FUCKING RESPOND! 2. The first idiot who replies with “I’m not a commutah, please take me off yawh list” to the listserv. Why don’t you take the time to click the listserv’s info-page address link and send your email to the administrator. Doh! 3. Rutgers has a seriously flawed mailing-list system. Yes, we use passwords to restrict unauthorized administrative access to the mailing-list. However, why in the world can people directly email everyone in the list without administrative moderation, I don’t know... Interestingly, many of the aforementioned idiots seem to realize this too.
ple student representatives, stupidly adds to the spam, whilst extending an open invitation to spam him more) “I’m XYZ, I think you got the wrong guy; Call me at 1234567890 about this” (WOW, just, WOW) “Drink booze, it’s Cinco De Mayo” (thanks for giving us permission to do so) “$#%$% guy who sent email about Cinco De Mayo; you stupid, it’s the THIRD of May” (thanks for your diligence) “You should be greatful [sic] for this list” (some a.hole trying to be funny) “You #@$#@, you misspelt grateful/Greatful isn’t a word” (we didn’t ask for grammar corrections, but thanks) “Imma go tell the Targum about this” (thanks for givWhich brings me to the last ing me the idea, and compart of my little piece here. plain to your mommy) The idiots are aren’t all that idiotic. (stunning, isn’t it?) Finally the administrator of Some of them expressed the list (OK, he was some the intelligent opinion that, intern guy) emailed the list yes, the mailing-list system (yup, he did that) to ask is broken. Being the idi- people not to email the list. ots they are, however, they (it’s a wonder, the world expressed this opinion by didn’t collapse on itself at sending it to everyone. Oth- this point) er responses varied from plain stupid/weird to just On a related note, something damn hilarious. For your like this happened back in perusal, here are some of December 2007 with the the more funny ones. (with Organic Chemistry mailingmy comments/observations list. The underlying reason in parentheses) was different (unfair advantage to a small “STOP emailing me, I’m group students in the final), warning you” (with a Leave- but the outcome, similar. Britney-Alone tone to the Guess, what we should all message) learn is that the mailing-list “My Blackberry’s full/can’t system at Rutgers must be handle all this mail ----Sent fixed, and you, the stupid from by XYZBlackberry” fuck who participated in this (seen atleast 30-40 times) little game yesterday, and “I’m gay ladies hit on me” who is reading the Targum (WTF?) right now, should probably “I’m SO&SO, please email pause for a moment to retme to get off this list” (Sent rospect on your life so far to by a University Senator! No, see if it’s worth living any your eyes are not decieving more. you. One of our smart, intelligent voice-of-the-peo-
We can’t tell you what to think all the time... E-mail us at opinions@themedium.net to tell us what we should tell you to think.
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “ SCROTUM.”
*Fuckalicous *Forest Fantasy *Find*
By Meat Head Sandwich
Thanks to The Medium your most treasured enchanted dreams, are exposed, nasty, and awesome it seems. You see, we stumbled back in to the forest after smokey gave us his “magical mystery tour” -- and found all sorts of perverted magic goin down on the forest floor. So cum inside, and look hard and long, but be careful, in this preverted forest you never know where you might find a dong. CAN YOU FIND :
*A pussy (cat) * A plunger * A drumstick * Bambi’s Doodie log cabin * A unicorn cornholing * A Sandwich * Mother goose * The word “ shit” * Goldie lox taking some bear cox * A swastika * Some BUTTerflies * A ham * assorted hooters * A buncha dicks * Smokey doin some tokey
A Momment with Edward....
FAIL.
COME TO A MEETING!! WEDNESDAY’S @ 9 PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439
THE MEDIUM Well, here we go, another semester, another issue, another box where I tell you people to send in shit. And if my knowledge of how this paper works is right, then no one s going to send anything in. Thanks fuckers! (What’s more is I can’t even prove myself wrong because I don’t know the URL for the emails. Oh well.) Actually, I just got the email URL. Thanks Business Manager! My heart goes out to you via personal. Aight kiddies, let’s see what you sent! It better not be spam. To my Art History TA... Will you please stop being so fuckin hot? I cant concentrate on what we’re learning when im checkin out your perfect body. Your sexy outfits dont help either. (You got it bad, you got it bad, you got it bad. Hot for the teacher! Unless you’re a chick and he’s a dude that wears sexy outfits. He is an art professor so it is possible.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
“The only part of the paper you will turn to, Freshmen.” I hate professors who take To the guy who stunk up forever to post grades. Grr. the first floor bathroom in P V ~P. True. the Busch campus library on Tuesday; how bout a ( Q F T . ) courtesy flush? Your shit I understand that there stank up the place so bad i were some people asking almost gagged when i for me at the Involvement walked in, and had I not Fair. I’m sorry I couldn’t had to shit a brick myself I be there, I was sleeping. would have ran outside Not that I don’t love fans, and probably puked. You I just love sleeping more. made that place smell so rank i though my nose Yo Sam: I really like might start to bleed. I sugyour hair. Like, A LOT. gest you see a doctor to Your crocs are sexy too. remove whatever dead aniMy only motivation right mal is rotting in your ass now to finish this page is because your shit is the so I can go downstairs and worst i have ever smelt. get some Wendy’s. All Next time your droppin I’ve eaten today is some a d, do us all a favor and handfuls of honey roasted flush once in a while peanuts and Dr. Pepper. so we dont all have to Yo freshman, stop going on feel like were stuck in a the fucking busses. I mean, Port-a-jon on a hot day. I know it’s the first week of (That’s a long, and very class and all and you’re all true personal. I would convinced you need to go say send that shit to opinto classes now that you’re ions, but goddamnit, you at college, but I assure you, just put a ton on my page, you don’t need to go. Stay good sir. Keep it up.) home and sleep and get the fuck off the busses. It takes Juan must put up barriers forever to get anywhere now. to keep Juan’s self intact.
A lot of Medium fans are complaing there’s no more nudity in the paper. I guess people really like looking at Boobies in class. But I decided to cater to masses this week. You wanted it so here are some Boobies; Blue Footied Boobies!
PERSONALS RULES: By Little Naughty Bagels So it’s the beginning of the semester and we got some fresh faces here. Glad to see you reading this. (No, I can’t physically see you read this, but I trust you.) We at The Medium may be very relaxed when it comes to your submissions, but for legal reasons, we can’t accept some things. The following are some thing that we can’t have sent in. I mean if you do, that’s fine, but the following will be edited or just not put in: To you: thanks a lot for treating me like you did. You made me realize what a huge mistake I made in leaving my girlfriend. And to you: Hai. So I understand that Muffin left. Should I feel bad? I’m not sure. I mean, I did write a whole huge thing about how much I hated him, but now that he’s going, I can’t help but feel bad for him leaving... Hey Facebook: FUCK YOU. Where did all my bumper stickers go? I wear those shits as badges of pride and humor and now they’re impossible to find. Fuck! I live near St. Peter’s hospital and now that college has started up, I hear all you freshman overdrinking and ambulances wailing away to pick your dumb asses up. LIMITS! Work your way up to soloing that six pack of PBR. (Hey man, PBR is good. Wait what am I talking about, I’m not a fucking idiot!) I am simply writing things now so I can go home and do homework and play Castle Crashers. That shit is really fun and really addictive. It’s gonna be gone from my memory once Spore comes out. Actually, by the time you’re reading this Spore will have come out. Write in and tell me what kind of creature you made and shit like that. I want to know, really.
NAUGHTY’S NO-NO’S 1. No Full Names. - Sorry, can’t take em. 2. Nothing Illegal. -If you say something like, “I was the one who broke the vending machine in BAMM,” then we have to give your name over to RUPD if they ask. 3. Send stuff from Eden. -While we love submissions, we can’t really take them unless its from an eden account. To Cheryl and Elaine, just because we work for rival papers doesn’t mean that I’m going to bash you. Like I said, your paper is full of Sudokus and Wonderwords, which makes me happy. We have...uhh...personals and erotic picture hunts. (Picture
cunts?)
People are always talking about we don’t put in funny things and we don’t print things you send in. That’s a lie; we print litereally everything we are sent. Wanna send something in to personals? Wanna give your friends a shout out or tell us a little somethin somethin? Send us an email at personals@themedium. net. We’d love to hear from you, the community. The more you send in, the less shit you have to look at on the next page. I spent $660 at the bookstore this semester. New personal best!!! I couldn’t write this last personal until I took a pee. True story. No lie. Kbye. Actually, I don’t have The Rut. I just told you I did so you would stop touching my bits.
Wednesday, rebmetpeS 10, 8002
PERSONALS
“My balls are huge. Really, really huge.”
Blah blah blah blah shitfuck. Ah, the Rutgers buses: my chance to enjoy a 4 When I go to bed with hour ride to Livingston my girlfriend, I punch her with some bitch’s rotten in the head, repeatedly. smelling crotch in my face (Domestic abuse or just My boyfriend’s pereally bad dreams?) nis is so small that he I can’t begin to tell you pisses on his balls. how many nipples I’ve What’s with all these seen around campus. On damn God flyers all both guys and girls. I can’t over College Ave? imagine how they don’t notice that they’re just (They’re just trying to poking out of their chests piss me off. Hail Xenu!) like that. I swear, Rutgers This years freshman girls is turning into Nipopolis. = HUGE disappointment. (South Park reference!! Yay!! I’ll have to find my barely legal action somewhere What’s with all these else this year. Then again, damn God flyers all ZTA is always there...... over College Ave? (Dude, ZTA pussy is I need about tree fiddy. fucking expensive. Tree fiddy? Are you the god Plus they have teeth.) damn Lochness Monster?) Then again, Gamme Everyone needs to look up Phi Beta girls are pretty “Joker Interrogation Spoof” easy.... Thanks (NAME on YouTube and watch it. REMOVED) for a kickass (Seconded, we just watched first weekend at college! it in the production room.) Not da mama!
Man, it must really suck being on of those crossing guards on College Ave. No one takes you seriously but you’re a fat douche cop so you get no sympathy from me. I’ll cross where I want, asshole, and if I get hit that’s my fucking problem. Piss off. I’m about to resort to cannibalism. I finish my College Ave class at 4:10 and have to scramble to Shittington for a 5:00 and then to Busch in 20 minutes after. I am so fucking hungry that I’m going to eat the fat girl next to me’s tits. It should feed me for about a month.
THE MEDIUM
There’s an ad in the Targum for nude modeling. If I wasn’t so fucking hairy I’d do it. Maybe also if my cock wasn’t so damn big... (You fail at being funny or the least bit amusing. That had so much potential to make people laugh and you fucking blew it. Go kill yourself.)
Seriously, there is nothing gayer in the world than fraternity life (maybe the Boy Scouts or a Catholic Church choir boy, but that’s besides the point). Have you ever heard of this thing called the “Elephant Walk”? It’s where you stick your thumb up a dude’s ass and then Shit piss fuck cunt suck the other one, and cocksucker mother- if the chain breaks, you fuck tits fart turd twat. switch. Whoever thought Ok, The Dark Knight is the of that shit is seriously inmost fucking overrated and secure with themselves. Oh overhyped movie EVER! wait, isnt’t that the fucking The only reason you liked definition of FRAT BOY? Heath Ledger so much (Yes, it is. Look it up in is because he’s fucking Webster’s Dictionary undead. Fucking crybabies. der “Fucking Faggot.”)
Because I have so few personals to work with, I have to put this lovely giant piece of shit right in the middle of the fucking page. Send us your submissions to personals@themedium.net and fill this space withYOUR shit! “Who are you?” You know you have shitty C h e e r s , Medium Poll:
It’s the first week of college, so our Slutgers women are back to what they’re best at: being sluts. However, our freshman girls may not have had their cherries popped yet, so they’re obviously being deflowered this week with the help of “The Captain”. What do you think was the most commonly said phrase the morning after their Slutgers initiation? A. “I didn’t want to lose it that way!” B. “Who are you?” C. “I didn’t think he’d put it in THAT hole!” D. “Why hasn’t he called me back yet? He said he loved me.” E. “HOLY SHIT I THINK I’M PREGNANT!” (Who’s the father?) F. *Sob* “I have herpes!” :`-( Send your votes (or consented photos, I’m not trying to
go to jail here) to personals@themedium.net.
(Ooh, I can feel the burning hatred of Douglass College right about now for that one.)
To all the every sunday church-going Catholics in my New Testament class: You actually BELIEVE in all of that shit? Are you just stupid or ignorant? Roll joints with your bibles.
To whoever grabbed my ass on the EE bus the other day: if I find you, I’m gonna kick you pansy white/black/brown/yellow balls so hard that they’ll come out of your mouth
“Who
are
you?”
“Did I just sleep with you?” “AAAAAAAHHH!!!!” To whoever grabbed my ass on the EE bus: that turned me on so much that I had a wet stain on my crotch for the rest of the day. What’s your number? (There’s a serial ass-grabber on the loose on the EE bus! Black and brown women beware! White and yellow girls are safe) wow. fucking wow. i didn’t think id get aids on the second day of college... (OWNED! YOU EPIC FAIL!) i can haz monies 4 bukz plz? kthxbai Does the Rutgers STD really exist? (Yes, it does. Ask Little Naughty Bagles: he gives it out for free.) Download “House 501” for a good time.
luck when the girl you fucked last night is in your class. Even worse when she’s ugly and you didn’t want to see her when you were sober. Is it bad that the thought of girls taking shits really turns me on? (Yes, it is. Are you German or something?) I have a huge problem. I just slit my wrists and I can’t call RUPD from the land line in Demarest. To the giant douchebag (literally) who took up 2 seats on the LX the other day: take a fucking shower and lose some god damn weight. I had to stand because your fat ass had to take up an extra seat. Anorexia would be good for you.
“Satanic
Yoda”
(P.S. I’ve even taken the liberty of providing you a template to make a basic personal: To (person who sucks) in my (class/dorm/work/ where ever you are so I know not to go there): You are a (insult) and (insult). (Continue with insults). I hope you die (or a variation on that). Now you fuckers have NO excuses not to send in personals!) Shout out to the new Ruxan admin, Sport! And a pre-emptive FUCK YOU to RUScrewed for banning me “in the future.” Yo, whuddup Cogsypoo!
And finally, a great big thank you to the Douglass Asian Women Association for not giving a shit about recruiting people and letting us use their table at the involvement fair!
WHAT THE FUCK IS SHAKIN’ THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, September 10th,
“I... HATE love. Sometimes.”
ON CAMPUS
This Day in History
(9/10/2008) (9:15 Room 113 Livingston Student Center) - Screening of “The Color Purple” (in Monochrome) (9/11/2008) Printers will be going down. Guess where?
4000 BC - God and Adam and dinosaurs hang out and high-five a lot. 48 BC- Keith Richards invents heroin 3 - John McCain invents Social Security
(9/10/2008) The Scarlet Johanssens Transvestite Acapella Trio DediGAY4 - John McCain begins collecting Social Security ted to the scarlet’s musical stylings. 20 - Jesus gets totally wasted at Nazarth University. (GO NU)
OFF CAMPUS (9/10/2008) (New Orleans) - Devastating Hurricane Festival (Bring your own beer and lifejackets) (9/11/2008) (San Diego) - Carnival de Farts (9/11/2008) (In AMERICA) - Never Forget: The Ford Pinto’s introduction (9/13/2008) (Spain) - Septemberfest (9/15/2008) (Your House) - I will be personally and painfully doing your mom... in the ass.
609 - The season finale of Survivor: Holy Roman Empire breaks ratings records across all of Europe. 1766 - Did you know that the University was founded around this time and was originally named Queens College? You did?! Oh shit fuck goddammit we’re fucked for facts. 1993 - The Movie Bio Dome wins 4 Academy Awards including Best Picture 2008 - That asshole Milton Friedman doesn’t have anything that commemorates him on campus. Fuck yes.
The Medium’s
Temporary Tattoos INSTRUCTIONS 1. Cut out along dotted line. Kids, get your parents permission. 2. Staple to your skin, or use hot glue! 3. To remove, use soap and urine.