MEDIUM The Entertainment Weekly of Sunshine and Puppies
Volume XXXIV, Number 22
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
As of 12:00 AM on May 1st, 2003 the Grease trucks are required to either 1) close for good or 2) complete all repairs mandated by the health department. In order to generate enough profits to afford the improvements the grease trucks need to sell at least 8,532 fat cats before the deadline. As a promotion students who are able to eat 5 or more fat cats in a single day will be allowed to sign one of the trucks with their own â€œfatâ€? name.
APRIL 23, 2003 PAGE 2
TH E D AILY M EDIUM
Quote of the Day
I Am What I Eat... Fat by ryan Beckman
I have a rare disease.
As you can tell from the cover… the Grease Trucks need saving. There are a lot of people at Rutgers, and there are a lot of arteries that need clogging. I say as a generation we are far too healthy. I don’t care if we are twice as fat as our parents were at our age, we need more New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevey when asked if he would participate in an intimate interview with The Medium. grease slowly churning through our veins. Support local music… buy Fat Cats. Get going to the Grease Trucks and take out those four crisp singles and The Targum makes me dumber when I read it. It’s not so much the plain and hand them over to those kind fellers in the RU Hungry truck. simple reporting on the inane bullshit around campus, or the ego fellating of the Rutgers faculty woven in between reports ripped off of various news wires – though all this Think about it seriously and there isn’t one good reason not to. Not only irritates me. What it comes down to is their editorial/opinion pages. There’s not enough are Fat Cats less expensive than a pack of cigarettes, but they’re also time or space for me to give what would comparably be cutting edge commentary on far more hazardous to your health. Those “cool” kids in High School the editorial staff and columnists at The Targum, so instead I shall just bring to light who smoked out back wouldn’t have been half as cool as you if you had the virulent mind whore of a columnist Tiffany LaBarbera. a heart attack in the middle of gym class because you couldn’t stop “Tiffany LaBarbera is a Livingston College junior majoring in journalism. Her cramming greasy food down your throat. column, ‘Ignorance is Bliss,” runs on alternating Mondays,” states the blurb at the Forget your inhibitions, be a messy eater, get a Fat Sam and chase it end of her bi-weekly column. Oh, wonderful, I only have to hear this banal wench down with ¼ cup of butter because goddamn it tastes good. You only every other Monday, making those Mondays single handedly the worst day of my live once, and if you eat the food that tastes good you’ll lead a happier life. Tiffany, or “TheReasonIWishIWereAborted,” as I call her for short, is the absolute life, because what it all boils down to is this- The longer you live, the champ, the head honcho, le crème de le crème of vapid, clichéd, inane chatter – and this garbage is printed every other goddamn week. longer you have to worry about dying. Tiffany’s articles reek of egotistical, self-validating bull. Let’s go through a Some would say, “Give me fat cats or give me death”. No no no good few of her vast mental wastelands: In an article entitled “More Than a Social sir. Give me fat cats & give me death. This message brought to you in part by Taiko Super Happy Bouncy Balls
An Open Letter To Tiffany by Ned Berke Dear Tiffany… A few days ago I told someone on campus I wrote for one of the entertainment papers. “Inside Beat?” she asked. I was taken aback and sneered openly. “The Medium” I stated simply. Then she sneered, understandably so. I asked her why and she was very apologetic, but then said “Well, you see, I’m a humor snob.” I nodded; after all, it was a very reasonable reply, The Medium isn’t exactly top class humor. “Why did you sneer, wouldn’t you want to work for the Targum?” she asked. “No, I’m a news snob.” And that’s what it comes down to. The Medium doesn’t play off of a reputation of being a fine, enlightening journalistic paper. We’re a rag. We’re a free speech paper who pushes the lines printing porn and love so in between we can say whatever we want. We have no standards, no snobbery, and no pretense. However, the failed shambling wreck that is The Targum cannot spin such wondrous claims. Page Page Page Page Page Page
2 3 4 5 6 7
Op/Eds Targum Special Israeli News Lesser News Features GMG
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Arts Anti-Semitism Pro-Semitism Personals What’s Shaking
Security Number” Tiffany explores the need for social bonding at college. Oh wait. No, no, that’s what she COULD have done with this article. Instead, she boasts about all the friends she has made, seemingly to convince herself that she is loved. In one part she talks about some kid in her hall that told her he came to college to work and didn’t want any friends. Of course, if I came here and the first person I met was this senseless dreg of humanity I would lock myself up in a room and avoid her at all costs too! She then continues on about crap that just makes your brain want to grow a mouth and eat itself. The theme of “friends” not wanting to be around Tiffany seems to run rampant in her articles. In another article entitled “Why Being 20 Bites the Big One”, which is essentially her yapping and complaining about going from 19 to 20 but not quite being 21, Tiffany’s older friends (which apparently are all of them… odd considering in another article she says she has like a gajillion friends) ditch her and go bar hopping. This is not before they rub it in her face that she’s underage. I think Tiffany is one of those girls who just cling to all the other people around her, and they can’t stand her, but at the same time can’t make her go away because they feel bad. I’m pretty sure she’s ugly too. She writes, “At 20, you are too old to go to fraternities and too young for bars.” Meaning she’s too ugly to get laid at a frat, and too ugly for the bar bouncer to let through underage. Tiffany follows up this fine act with what I think are the two climactic articles of this craptacular display of piss-ant journalism ever. First, she admits she’s an uneducated moron in “Embracing the Gray Area”, and then she jibberjabbers on about the importance of asking questions in “Are We Almost There Yet?” In “Embracing…” Tiffany makes a courageous and stunning confession: she can’t choose whether to be pro or anti war. “The extensive number of variables affecting decisions of this caliber is beyond my comprehension,” she writes. I bet that’s not the only thing beyond her
my life with medium monkey Benjamin Schachtman
FOUNDED 1869 / SYCOPHANTIC 1980
Maybe I was a bit hasty last week...
Servicing the Rutgers Community Since 1869 EDITO R IN CHIEF, ryan Beckman MANAGING EDIT OR, Jim Cortina BUSINESS MANAGER , Mike Stanley OPINIONS EDIT OR, Ben Schachtman NEWS EDITOR, Jim Cortina GMG EDITOR, Daniel Migliore ARTS EDITOR, Aija McKenzie FACULTY ADVISOR, Jeff Buechner SENIOR EDITO R, Amy Groark
I’m a monkey.
P HOTOGRAPHY, Elizabeth Finelli P ERSONALS EDITORS , Bridget Heines & Bryan McKenna W HAT ’ S SHAKING EDITO R, Amy Groark STA F F ARTIST, Yolanda Folanda
cover by: Ryan Beckman and Lily “ChiLilifer” Song ASSOCIATE PC C OORDINAT OR, My Mom The editorials written above represent the majority opinion of The Medium Editorial Board and are not necessary related in any way to anything that could even possibly be construed as a realistic interpretation of the truth.
The Daily Targum welcomes letters to the editor and commentaries from Jewish readers Due to space limitations, letters should be no longer than 250 words. If a letter exceeds 250 words, it will be considered an act of terrorism perpetrated by the Palestinian people against the nation of Israel and immediate military force will be exercised. Address: The Daily Targum, 126 Mouthpiece Lane, Suite 420, New Gunswick, NJ Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
APRIL 23, 2003 PAGE 3
TH E D AILY TARGUM
Wednesday Weather for Jerusalem, Israel
Wind: 8mph NE Precipitation: 10% Max Humidity: 45% Apocalypse: 42%
Wind: 8mph NNW Precipitation: 0% Max Humidity: 46% Apocalypse: 62%
T HIS DAY IN HISTORY... 33 AD - Christ rises from the dead...er...no hard feelings, right? 1891 - The Jewish population of Moscow, Russia is expelled. 1985 - New Coke debuts, providing the ultimate thirst quencher for students and faculty at Rutgers, 1996 2003
The State University of New Jersey. - Howard Stern makes his radio debut on KRZQ 96.5 FM broadcasting from Reno Nevada. - You read this edition of the Targum, making you a better student and a better person.
A Pro-Disarmament Opinion Mike O’Neil Anti-war protesters and the political left here in America couldn’t have been more wrong about their predictions for the war. They said (and hoped perhaps?) that it would join the ranks of Vietnam and Mogadishu as infamous military blunders of the last half-century. They said coalition forces would be greeted as conquerors and not liberators. They estimated thousands of U.S. casualties, as well as 250,000 Iraqi civilian deaths. In actuality, the war was won in three weeks. When Baghdad fell, our troops were greeted with flowers, kisses, makeshift American flags and cheering Iraqis holding up pictures of George Bush. British and U.S. forces suffered fewer losses thus far than in the entire Gulf War (granted, more casualties are on the way, but the worst is over). Even an inflated civilian death count from the faulty Iraqi Body Count Project is at just 2,325 (at the time of this writing) thanks to immense efforts by coalition forces to minimize this number. But what these people have been most wrong about, in my opinion, is their insisting that the United States is breaking international law by invading Iraq without U.N. approval. This is the same United Nations, mind you, that is ironically allowing Iraq to chair the Conference on Disarmament in May, simply due to the organization’s horrendous rotating chairsmanship policy. It is the same organization that already allows Libya, a supporter of terrorism for over twenty years, to chair the Human Rights Commission. This is the same U.N. that failed to stop the genocide of Albanians in Kosovo and the massacre of over 5,000 Bosnian Muslims in Srebrenica. Even when hundreds of U.N. workers supervised the “Oil for Food” program in Iraq, Saddam Hussein still managed to illicitly export oil and earn billions of dollars, diverting that revenue from his starving people to his own lavish palaces and weapons of mass destruction programs. And let’s not forget Russia and China, both permanent members of the Security Council, yet both frequent violators of human rights. Clearly, this organization is far from infallible, and unfortunately its most recent blunder is the inability to stand by and enforce its own resolutions. Ironically, the United States must break vaguely defined “international law” in order to protect our nation and enforce true international law - more specifically, United Nations Security Council Resolutions 678, 686, 687, 688, 707, 715, 949, 1051, 1060, 1115, 1134, 1137, 1154, 1194, 1205, 1294 and 1441. Each resolution listed here has been egregiously violated by the Iraqi regime as soon as it was passed. If protestors believe that overthrowing an oppressive and murderous regime in order to end that regime’s support of terrorism and weapons of mass destruction programs so horribly violates international law, than one would also logically assume that supporting terrorism does so, too. Saddam’s link to terrorism is undeniable, yet no one seems to be picketing the streets about that. Saddam has paid Palestinian suicide bombers and their families up to $25,000 for successful bombings. He provided Abul Abass, an international terrorist who has led a faction of the Palestinian Liberation Front, safe haven in Baghdad since 2000. Luckily he was captured just last week by U.S. forces. A terrorist training camp was also found last week on the outskirts of Baghdad. According to a Marines spokesman, the compound consisted of 20 buildings and had been jointly operated by the Iraqi regime and the PLF. Among the documents found there were forms for recruits to fill out that asked such questions as, “What type of mission would you like to carry out?” The most frequent response was “suicide mission.” Even more horrifying, two defectors of the Iraqi Army and a former nuclear-weapons chief have described a highly secretive terrorist training camp at Salman Pak – under direct control of the Iraqi Intelligence Service – that contains an old Boeing 707 fuselage used to train hijackers. The existence of the plane has been confirmed by previous U.N. inspections and U.S. marines recently found the empty plane there on April 6 th. Former deputy chairman of the U.N. panel in charge of inspections says of the plane after a visit to the facility in January of 1995: “We were told it was for counter-terrorist training. We automatically knocked off the word ‘counter’.” This and other terrorist support is just as important a justification for decisive action as the weapons of mass destruction angle, yet many people seem to overlook it, or frankly know nothing about it. Some protestors I know have even told me we shouldn’t have invaded Iraq because it will just make more terrorists mad at us. Mad at us? Is there such thing as a not-mad terrorist? What these people are saying is that we shouldn’t defend ourselves because terrorists might get angrier with us. This is just plain absurd. Terrorists were mad at us before this happened. They’ll still be mad at us after this happened. By killing them and their leaders and cutting off funds, we can drastically reduce the likelihood of substantial terrorist attacks in the future. After all, Bush is committed to fighting a full-fledged war on terrorism, unlike Clinton, whose foreign policy involved lobbing a few cruise missiles into aspirin factories when public opinion at home went awry. The bottom line is we know Iraq supports terrorism, and we know the only reason they let inspectors back into the country was because they were up to their old tricks again. We know this because there have been countries in the past that have disarmed properly and willingly. They provided all the necessary documentation, brought inspectors to the proper weapons sites, and encouraged government officials and civilians to be cooperative. Such shining examples are South Africa, Ukraine, and Kazakhstan. Iraq has done nothing of the sort. Instead of allowing inspectors to be inspectors, the regime has forced them to be detectives, putting the burden on inspectors instead of on themselves. These were not the terms of the Gulf War cease-fire. The burden was, and always has been, on Iraq to show it has disarmed. Resolution 1441 was a test: one last test to see if Iraq has changed its ways and was willing to disarm and comply. If not, the resolution called for serious consequences – serious consequences that only the United States and a few other countries were willing to back their words with. Saddam failed this test immediately by filing a false weapons declaration to the panel, a false list of workers in past WMD programs, hiding documents in private homes, and not allowing interviews to take place without the presence of “minders.” The United States has even picked up credible intelligence stating that Saddam Hussein warned scientists that they and their families would face severe consequences, punishable by death, if any sensitive information was revealed to inspectors. These are the same games he played four years ago, and it proves Iraq has been in material breach of resolution 1441 – in breach of its final chance to avoid war. Since the U.N. has refused to enforce its own fundamental demands for Iraq to disarm, end its support of terrorism, and comply fully with these and other resolutions without deception and lies, the United States and its true allies have acted forcefully. I applaud them for that. I’m thankful Bush and Blair are not bidders for the admiration of the crowd, rather they are bidders for the safety and security of their countries and of the world. No one can complain that diplomacy wasn’t given enough of a chance, because it was given twelve long years, and I’m glad we finally have a president in the White House who is willing to make terrorism a top priority of his agenda (unlike Clinton, who made it anything but). To paraphrase Elie Wiesel, had the rest of the world put as much pressure on Saddam to disarm as they had put on Bush, this war might not be taking place right now. These are wise words and go to show the disgusting stance the rest of the world has sadly taken. And as Leon Uris has stated all too accurately in his book Exodus, “International law is that thing which the evil ignore and the righteous refuse to enforce.” Until now. On a final note, anti-war protesters refuse to be held morally accountable for this war. “Not in my name” they say. Well Iraqis are free from tyranny and oppression, and the world is a step closer to being free from terror, and I say “In my name.” Men and women of the coalition’s armed forces have given their lives in making this a reality. In my name. And for that they will never be forgotten, nor will my gratitude ever cease.
Editor’s Note: Some of our more observant readers may have noticed that this week’s edition has a noticeably more conservative bent in its opinions. Others would say that’s not all that’s bent, but I would beg to differ. A lot of the time intelligent people side with the left-wing liberal community because the liberal side presents a strong case. However, sometimes we just assume that right is wrong, and left is best, and we go astray. For example, in 1942 the New York Times buried a story about the Holocaust on page 10, assuming it was war propaganda. Four years earlier, Hitler had been Time man of the year... the point is simply that it behooves us all to keep our eyes and minds open and constantly seek out both sides of the story. However trustworthy our favorite magazine, newspaper or website may be, however conveniently fitted to our own political beliefs it may seem, there is always another side to the story. There is a difference between smart and well-read, and that difference is not how much you read, but what you read. Don’t believe everything you read in Targum; we try exceeding hard to get the news right and get it to you quickly, but we are only human and we falter and fail just like anyone else. Think for yourself, question authority.
THE TARGUM REMINDS YOU TO KEEP LIMBER AND AVOID STRAINS AND SPRAINS... THE
“Q: What lives in the heavens and brings baskets to kids each spring?”
Wednesday April 23rd, 2003
President Declares War on “Naughty Things” By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor In a prepared statement (suspiciously written in crayon) yesterday, President George “Scarcity” Bush announced a “war against all naughty things that make the baby Jesus cry (Also known as “WAANTTMBJC”).” He said that he came across some really dirty things on a recent trip to Rutgers University, in a student run newspaper (probably The Review. -ed), and laughed so hard, because “mommy Babs never let me read naughty things before. But when she found out, she gave me a good spanking, and told me that naughty words, and nudie pictures make the baby Jesus cry. I felt really bad about that one. I’m sorry baby Jesus. “And so to make up for my badness, I’ve decided to use my presidentiary powers to declare war on all the naughty things that make the baby Jesus cry.” The Medium, being a highly patriotic paper, has decided to fully back our wonderful president in his “Goody War.” Not that naughty things have ever been a problem in our fine periodical, but we have henceforth decided to ban all that is naughty, or that would make the baby Jesus cry. Because we can’t stand to hear a baby cry, especially when he’s our Savior. In conclusion, reader, if you find this issue lacking in the naughtiness department, that’s fine by us. Because we’re a bunch of clean-cut guys.
Don’t cry baby Jesus.
The baby Jesus will cry if you don’t come to the Medium Meeting this wednesday night at 9:30 in LSC 111. You know why? Because it’s nominations night! If you’ve written (and had published) three or more articles for The Medium, you can be nominated for an editor’s position. Show up for more info. And I still need your dang-gummed submissions for next week, our semester finale issue! Write me newsworthy things (true or false), and send them to email@example.com. Think of baby Jesus.
White Humor by Brian Tarus
The Medium: we can’t stand to see a baby cry, especially when he’s our Savior.
Wednesday April 23rd, 2003
“A: The Ether Bunny”
Tips for Doing Well on Final Exams
1. Spend time studying as well as relaxing to create an environment where you have some down time. 2. Arrange study groups so you can work in a fun environment and get to know people better. The odds are that if this is a class that counts towards your major you’ll make friends who will be in your other classes. 3. Don’t do all your studying last minute, it stresses you out and you won’t remember all the information when it comes to exam time. 4. Be sure to get enough sleep the night before the final, plan things out and when planning leave time. 5. Proposition your TA/Professor so you won’t have to take the exam, chances are that they’ll agree. (Note: Works better if you’re a girl) 6. Pretend you’re sick and get a doctors note. 7. Get someone else to take the exam for you. 8. Cheat with the text message option on your cell phone; it’s worth 10¢/ message to do well on the exam! 9. (added by editor) Some people have had success simply asking to use the bathroom and having a book, or notes planted in a convenient location for “last minute” studying. (Good luck, kiddies! - ed)
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By: Michael Stanley Staff Scapegoat
Student Caught Taking a Bath with Bubbles By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor The beginning famous of a children’s joke goes, “You wanna hear a clean joke? A boy took a bath with bubbles.” Well, just such a thing happened on campus last Thursday. Indeed, a boy took a bath with bubbles. He seemed elated at this new experience. “It was the most clean experience of my life. I’ve never been cleaned by bubbles before in my life. It felt like bathing in seltzer water. Bubbles tickled my whole body. Such sensations!” The joke however, quickly turned dirty when this reporter found out that Bubbles was the girl in the dorm across the way. Stoner Forgets Holiday By Mike Manly In an act shaming the self-proclaimed “Stoner Community”, a culture made up of high school and college students who smoke marijuana, weed aficionado Andrew McGill, known to his friends as “Trail Blazer” forgot the Annual Smoke Up Day. McGill normally would have gathered with other stoners and collected an assortment of bongs, pipes, blunts, joints, and other marijuana paraphernalia set them up in a line, prepared them for use, and then would have used one item every half an hour throughout the 24 hour day. However, this year’s festivities were narrowly missed as the event simply skipped his mind. “I don’t know how this could’ve happened,” McGill stated in a sullen, mumbly voice, “I just went about my day doing normal stuff, thinking it was like, another day or something, man, and then the next day, Monday, I realized I missed 4-20!” McGill began to sob quietly. “I just don’t understand it… why me?” The Annual Smoke Up Day falls every year up April 20th, or 4-20 as it’s commonly referred to. It is the day that every reefer looks forward to, much like any small child who has worked hard and been good looks forward to Christmas. Throughout the year stoners often giggle and point out coincidences where the numbers four and twenty are used. It is commonplace for stoners to select 4:20 as a meeting time, and it brings the best humor out of them. This year, that humor is gone for Andrew McGill. “He’s really been a mess every since, man, ya’ know?” says his friend Matt Simpson. “I keep trying to get him to toke, but he acts like a sinner or something… inflicting all sorts of self-punishments as penitence or something. He won’t smoke and keeps saying he’s no good and worthless. He sounds like my Dad, man. That’s sad.”
More White Humor also by Brian Tarus
“Cancer Merchant! Cancer Merchant!”
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
How To Annoy People By: Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor 1. At the computer lab, go around signing people out of their computers when they aren’t there. Then take their cards up to the front desk. 2. When you bring the card back, whip it at the guy or chick sitting at the desk. 3. Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what you think.” 4. On Rutgers Buses, cough loudly and say, “I think my SARS is acting up.” 5. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.” 6. Pretend you are wearing headphones and after someone is done talking to you, tell them you didn’t hear a word they said. 7. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climatic parts of rental movies. 8. Repeat everything someone says as a question. 9. Repeat what everyone says as an insult. Example: “It’s 75 degrees today.” “No, you’re 75 degrees today!” 10. In the laundry room of your dorm, use one washer/dryer for each article of clothing. 11. Ask people what gender they are. 12. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you’re staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat 13. At restaurants, insist on having an extra seat for your imaginary friend. 14. In the dining hall, place a glass sideways on the end of the conveyor belt, so it gets bounced against the metal and produces a loud clinking sound. 15. Go to campus poetry readings and ask why the poems don’t rhyme. 16. .sdrawkcab etirW 17. Ask every girl you see on Douglass if she is a lesbian. 18. Buy panties at Victoria’s Secret, and when they ask if you want a bag, say, “No, thanks. I’ll just eat them here.” 19. Actually eat the panties. 20. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.” 21. Tell people their accent isn’t fooling anyone.
22. Take books from the library and write the surprise ending on the first page. 23. Talk only in Morse code. 24. On the first day of classes, go into a recitation section and pretend to be the TA. 25. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.” 26. End all your statements with a loud “OOOOOOOH YEAH!!!” 27. Ask the bus drivers if they are sure they know where they are going. 28. At the computer lab, pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and loudly talk into it. “Breaker-Breaker-one-niner” 29. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 30. “Forget” the punch line to every joke you tell, instead ending it with “I forget the rest, but your mother’s a whore.” 31. Constantly tell jokes. 32. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. 33. When you enter a bathroom stall at the same time as someone else, loudly say, “And they’re off!” 34. When your roommate leaves for a while, move all his stuff out of the room and into the study lounge. 35. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips. 36. Disagree strongly with everything someone says. Especially annoying if done to a professor. 37. Make up statistics or sources to back up your claims. 38. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles. 39. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt. 40. Go anywhere in a Michael Bolton t-shirt. 41. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%. 42. If you have guests, walk around after them with a can of Lysol and clean everything they have touched. 43. Sway back and forth and ask people why they are swaying back and forth. 44. Wear headphones while people talk to you and sing really loudly and off-key.
Super happy fun-time filler! Super happy fun-time filler! Super happy fun-time filler! World To Mourn Loss Of Easter Bunny By: Raoul Dan, dreaming a little dream since 1982 It was indeed a sad day for the world Monday, when it was confirmed that the Easter Bunny (shown here) had, in fact, been killed in a hit and run accident on Sunday. The Easter Bunny, aka Peter Cottontail, was merrily hopping down the Bunny Trail, a road through Rahway River Park in Rahway, New Jersey. The car, a red 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix was seen in the immediate area moments after witnesses reported hearing squealing tires and a loud “thump”. Rahway Police Chief White was quoted as saying that no suspects have been confirmed, though witnesses reported seeing a fat man in a red suit driving the car, and a midget in the passenger seat. Children of the world were saddened by these events. This reporter asked Billy, a local 12 year-old what he thought. Billy had this to say: “The Easter Bunny isn’t real you moron!” But those in the park told a much different story. They had seen the Easter Bunny, living, breathing, alive, all moments before being hit by a ton of speeding steal.
Sorry kids, but since the Easter Bunny died, there will be no more Easter. Except for the Christians. But they don’t count. It’s a lousy hippie excuse for a religion anyway.
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
“The Medium is good wholesome fun!”
Poetry Time With Alexander the Poet “Tossing A Midget” Tossing a midget, Is not very hard at all Kick them and I bet, They will fly into the wall A midget is short, Quite the opposite of tall On basketball court, They will never get the ball Midgets are wealthy, Some midgets get their own show But they’re not healthy, Cause those small dudes can’t grow But please be careful, When approaching a midget Must cover your bits, bits are a midget’s target
If you would rather starve then eat my bread, then come on down to the Medium Meeting in LSC Room 111, tonight at 9:30. It’ll be fun. And you won’t have to eat my bread, I p r o m i s e .
Pouches And The People Who Love Them By: A Wasted Mind
I wish I were a marsupial. I really, really do. If you think about it, of all the steps on the evolutionary ladder, this was the best one. If only Mother Nature had realized how wonderful that particular mutation was and continued to mass-produce it, we would be a much better and happier race. If only Australia, which spawned the marsupial, had not separated from Pangea, or whatever that super continent was called, we could all wallow in the joy of being marsupials. It would solve so many of our problems, well, it would solve my problems and I really don’t care about the rest of you. Never again would I have to bother with lugging a stupid bag around. All those little things that we deem crucial to our survival and then carry around would be with me always, no matter what I was wearing. There would be room for cell phones, PDA’s (or PAA in my case, the A stands for analog. (Ok, so it’s just a little notebook where I write people’s numbers. Big woop, wanna fight about it? What, you think you’re better then me? Do you? Actually, yes. Yes I do. – GMG Ed.)), cigarettes, and all that other junk we stuff into our pockets so they bulge out make us look lumpy in all the wrong places. How nice would it be to not have to have pockets. How convenient would it be for girls especially, ‘cause you all know that carrying money in your bra when you’re out clubbing sucks big time. Its not only unpleasant and impractical, but reaching for the bills when you want to buy a drink can lead to quite an awkward situation. Concealing weapons would also be a snap. And it would be great for mothers with newborns, after all, that is the true purpose of the marsupial pouch. As soon as the baby is born, you gently stuff it in your pouch where it is warm and protected as if it were still in the womb. And if we were further like marsupials, the nipples would also be in the pouch, so the baby can feed whenever it wants to. There would be no need to strain your arms carrying it around and rocking it to sleep. It would be the most perfect transitional environment for the kid. Hmm, I guess that’s all, I hope I have made my point sufficiently clear. Marsupials rock, humans can suck it!
Random Rant From Southside Tillie I want to start a revolution. Strike that make it a movement. A revolution only goes around once and then stops. But a movement keeps going round and round. What if all the College students just stopped going or registering for classes? Total chaos!!! That right baby. I am talking shutting down the system right here and now. And I am not trying to do this for my own reasons. It’s because I care about you the students who work day in and day out for “The Man.” Those students who put so much stress on there minds and bodies that they completely shut themselves off from the rest of the world in an attempt to please “The Man” with high grades. Well, screw that lets take control right here and now. Who’s with me?
“Deliver the Blow.”
MUSIC REVIEW by the VOLCANO WORSHIPPER
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Wouldn’t This be a Great Movie? by: Henry Rarisan
Yo La Tengo: Summer Sun (2003, Matador Records) By the Volcano Worshipper Yo La Tengo just may be the best band ever to come from New Jersey. I doubt that anyone else reading this will agree with me, and I probably don’t have a right to say such things being that I’m from Connecticut, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s true. It’s hard to think of many bands who have had a career both as stunningly prolific and high quality as this band has. This, the band’s 10th proper album, is yet another stunning success. This album is one of the mellowest the band has done to date. Fortunately, it escapes being boring by having such wonderful production, combined with simple yet intricate arrangements, and beautiful songwriting. Subtle electronic touches and reverb along with acoustic instruments allow the music to have a warm, ambient feel, and it sounds just lovely. The band’s last few EPs saw them collaborating with several jazz musicians, most notably on last year’s covers of Sun Ra’s “Nuclear War”, and this jazz influence continues here, with the occasional presence of a few horns and woodwinds here and there, culminating in the second-to-last track, a 10 minute jam called “Let’s Be Still”. It’s notable that there aren’t any songs on this album that rock out the way a lot of their earlier albums do, and that usually a few songs on all their subsequent albums do. Most fans and critics are crying that this album is a boring, mediocre letdown because of this. I happen to think that it’s actually more consistent than their last few albums, and I enjoy it greatly. It sounds like a perfect album to chill out to during the summer, so maybe it should’ve been called “Summer Moon”. Regardless, it’s another gem from a wonderful band.
The greatest movie ever created would be Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, and Jet Li, all in a movie together called, “Where’s the White Guy?” It would involve Jackie Chan fighting a bunch of gang members in a junkyard, using things like car tires and common household appliances to fight them off, where he would meet Jet Li, who is searching for his former friend turned mob boss. They would fight all the way to the guy’s headquarters, no crappy dialogue would get in the way of their butt kicking abilities, and they would meet up with Chow Yun Fat, who was a former bodyguard for the mob boss, but was lured away by some asian beauty. They would then confront the mob boss where he would reveal that he killed the father of Jackie Chan, and they would all fight. Jet Li fights the mob boss, Jackie Chan, a bunch of martial artists, and Chow Yun Fat, would shoot up various gang members with dual berettas in the process getting shot 10-12 times. They would all then rejoice at their various accomplishments, and then they would die of the SARS... The End.
firstname.lastname@example.org tomight, LSC 111, 9:30 pm
I shoulda done this a long time ago...
In the year 2015, will Womens’ Aggressive Sports be taken seriously?
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
“I hate you Tiffany”
Personals Personals This is a song about an (awesome fellow) You are an (awesome fellow) to the max, You are Laymil’s (best friend), You like to (befriend) young boys You are a flamethrower Cessna’s an (awesome fellow) x4 (I love) you (awesome guy) You are an (awesome guy) You like to lick (lollipops) Go (love) a horse’s (leg) (awesome guy)! You are a loser You like to make enemies You are a (fantastic bowler) You like (veal) to the max Rock on Miami Rock over Chicago Sprite - Obey your thrist.
“you’re one lucky guy, buddy. you know i have the ACLU on speed-dial?” How come we don’t have a Scientology club at this shitty university. We have a Jew(ish) club, a Christian Club, and a (muslim) Club, but not Scientology Club. We actually have rich people and a few celeberties from our school. We actually have Tom Cruise and John Travolta fans in our school. So why the (poo) do we not have a Scientology club in RU!? (I love) You McGreevey, Go (cry) Yourself (to sleep).
(and in spring, the young men’s fancy turns to love)
The Nazis had a Patriot Act Too...It was Called The Enabling Act and It gave More Power to the Executive Namely Hitler. Dont Let America turn into a Nazi (nation). Make Sure you Vote On November 16! I (love) Indians. (it’s funny how the meaning of something can be changed by only changing one word.)
ta mai Honies, Pleeze gimme da chance to hab my (taco flavored kisses from) your Long live Israel! beautiful mouth, and fine (such ethnic pride. makes me (behind). wift more LOVING, me. want to cry.)
(Wesley willis must certainly enjoy sending us personals. Here’s a message to those (lovely brothers) over at DKE. You should too.) You know you’re (absolutely i hate you, but thanks for (the awesome) when you have to ice cream you gave me) last ask one of your pledges to find nite. some of your brothers last (no problem. i love (ice minute dates to your formal. cream), especially when it Yeah I’m talking to you yah doesn’t make you itch.) (handsome) pimply (stud)! You Azn Pride! might as well have gone with www.asianavenue.com your right hand (girl), would (it’s nice to see such a small, have at least saved you some tight-knit group of asians embarrassment! bonding together in a proasian activity. cause lord Laymil, you deserve to have knows there’s nothing more a(n) (award) for (the lovely job that I love than love. no, re- you do alienating people.) ally.) My Honey, I want to (kiss you) (clean week is so much fun! you in the (mouth). With love, afterwards i feel tingly inside me. cause i’m not contributing to
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
(just cause i’m rich doesn’t mean i’ll give you taco flavored kisses...taco taco, burrito burrito) “War On Terror War On McGreevey” “War On McGreevey Not On Iraq” “Bush is Evil So Is McGreevey”
Come to a medium meeting wednesday night, LSC room 111. Or, if you like, you could join the ranks of people who find ^this^ picture amusing. Your choice...choose wisely. I’d go with the medium.
It really is disturbing the values that rap videos (and music) push on people. And what is worse is that MTV disavows any responsibility because its “art,” and they only play what Tell me who the (fellow) who the “artist” creates. Not that I wrote that (personal) in am for censorship in any way, German is or I’ll get my but the values being imposed networks to sue your Anti- on the youth that watch that Israel (butts) and your terrorist channel (and that’s a very big loving (women). This is your audience) are very bad indeed. final warning. www.slutgers.com - our new site stank so much, it made The (agreed 100%. music’s valMedium jealous ues have shifted from sex, ...for the simple act of existing drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll to is in itself tiresome and de- gangs, drugs, and hoochies. the corruption of minors with serves an end swiftly coming. unacceptable!) fist fights & carrots!) justice must be served. thank god for the olsen twins. without them, i think my life would not have the stability and happiness i currently enjoy in my sub-par, meager existence shuffling burgers in the campus center.
If you’re going to do something, you might as well go all out. So, while you’re going all out, why not send us a personal at email@example.com? Think this was an awesome issue? Think it was the worst one yet? You’ll thank yourself in the morning, plus have the satisfaction of knowing that your insult/stalker-like text will appear in that Wednesday’s paper.
Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them! How can ye escape the damnation of hell? Repent! For the Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand! HEY (cock)ROACH, LEARN TO OPEN A WINDOW YOUR BO IS UNBEARABLE. (it’s funny, cause it’s still clean.) to my best friend sean: i’d like to thank you for everything you’ve meant to me. the two times we’ve hung out have been enough for you to form a preconceived notion of who i am and how adept i am at using a computer. kisses! - bryan
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
HEY COCKROACH, DON’T BE A BITTER LITTLE PIECE OF NYQUIL JUST CUZ I GET BETTER GRADES THEN YOU. MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T AN ARROGANT/ MINDLESS/MOMMA’S BOY YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND GARDENING MAJORS LIKE YOURSELF. MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE GETTING YOUR DAD TO BAIL YOU IF YOU STOPPED WITH THAT DUMB LOOK. YOU’VE NEVER HAD A PUPPY TO BE A WHINY CRACKER ABOUT, SO QUIT LOOKING DUMB BY GLUING YOUR BACK HAIR TO YOUR FACE. IT MAKES YOU LOOK MORE LIKE THE NICE GUY THAT YOU ARE. ENJOY YOURSELF NEXT YEAR WITH ALL THE NICE KIDS FROM NIELSON. I Still like girls named Shirley. (Surely, you mean you like the name Kathy) Why cant they lower the Price @ THe Grease Trucks?! Because that would mean that would mean they would have to hire immigrant workers from the south, and that would be illegal) I am offended by the Medium, but it is much much better than the targum. (By which targum are you referring to? The Monthly Targum, The Weekly Targum, you can’t possibly mean the Daily Targum?!?!) To the blonde in my stats class: I want to give you an ice cream cone and clean your entire house, and then I want to paint your pillow until it is as soft and pink as your poodle. Amen. (It’s good to know that we have some good, church loving boys who read our paper, preach on preacher man) Remember Chandra Levy! (Who’s that?) LJX will fall in love with you anyday! Or at least marry you and pour orange all over my kitchen and make you clean it up. Or was I just thinking about cessna? Oh well. I do not see Indians as being white. When you say Indians do you mean Native-Americans,Cuz I want to see one dressed as a gangsta one day)
Hey guys, I think we lost the war on Terrorism and Iraq...too bad AfricanAmericans, HispanicAmericans, Asian-Americans, Italian-Americans, and American-Americans don’t know about it. It’s our little secret. God Bless George Bush! Long Live The Young Republicans! (There’s a war on Terrorism and Iraq? Since when? I’m gonna go get a pretzel) I remember my times with my Uncle, we always used to call him Uncle Cave Man. He was so cool, he used to live in a cave and always feed us fish straight from the river near his house. Until one day Uncle Cave Man are my brother, that was the day we realized Uncle CaveMan was really just an ordinary bear. (I once had an uncle that ate my brother too, until one day we realized that he was Jeffery Dahmer)
“Attack of the Killer Tomato’s: Part 7” This time they’re not here to kill you, they’re here to CUDDLE you!!!!! If you hate this caption, try and come up with a better one and e-mail it along with your personals to firstname.lastname@example.org
Barkin Ark-I can’t believe you got on ur beautiful knees to beg for a Medium personal. You are the most thoughtful, caring human being I’ve ever met and that’s exactly why we get along so well. Why don’t you go have lunch with yourself or better yet why don’t you go eat an apple for that professor. And you can go to a Dave Matthews Concert because we all know you do it all the time anyway. We can hear you through the walls, you poo-head. And hey, tomorrow are you gonna wear polka dots or stripes because the fact that one day you dress casual and the next you’re formal is really unbelievable, make up your mind. !@#$ you %^&* you ()!@#. I’m gonna $%^& you up like a car crash. I’m gonna *()! you up in the @#$hole. I’m gonna %^&* you up like a goshdarn accident all the way up your ()!. @#$% you ^&*( Try and Find Waldo, I dare ya; if you’re smart you )!@# you! I’m gonna enuf to find Waldo, then you’re smart enuf to make you a flaming join The Medium. Come and Visit tonight in the $%^&*()!@# to the max! Livingston Student Center, Room 111A at 9:30 P.M. Jesus is the answer! Jesus is the answer! If you don’t like it go to camp you $%^! Come to church. It’s good for A Wise Man once said: “I Stupid people. It is pathetic to your body and soul - God don’t greatly admire Japanese see all the young male’s trying (That last Exclamation emulate rappers. Brought to you by RU for women; they have no figures to point was real, it wasn’t to speak of, and look as if a Unfortunately these guys grow Christ. just a censoring device.) bee had stung them in the eye.” up without understanding the To White Mike, Don’t go to (And after that don’t forget greatness of their own poor (I once got stung by a bee sleep tonight or you will get a to come to your Satan visit from my general... Your Worshipping meeting, or as I once, it hurt alot, I went to cultural heritage. like to call it, “The Medium” pull out the stinger, and fellow cadet then I realized it was just a Tonight at (9:30 in LSC, www.themedium.net hobo bite.) room 111A)
now i’m back where i belong. get me out of here.
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
random picture alert!
random picture alert!
random picture alert!
Wed 4/23 - Widespread Panic - Beacon Theater Wed 4/23 - Brand Nubian - S.O.B.’s Wed 4/23 - Lloyd Cole - Joe’s Pub Thur 4/24 - Cheap Trick - Beacon Theater Thur 4/24 - Toto - B. B. King Blues Club & Grill Thur 4/24 - Evan Dando - Joe’s Pub Fri 4/25 - The Flaming Lips - Roseland Ballroom Fri 4/25 - Cold, Finger Eleven, Depswa - Irving Plaza Fri 4/25 - Yo La Tengo, Portastatic - Beacon Theater Sat 4/26 - Adult. - Bowery Ballroom Sat 4/26 - Throwing Muses - Irving Plaza Sun 4/27, Mon 4/28 - Delgados - Bowery Ballroom Tue 4/29 - Good Charlotte - Hammerstein Ballroom Tue 4/29 - Silverchair - Bowery Ballroom Tue 4/29 - Ladytron, Codec, Flexor - Irving Plaza Tue 4/29 - Blackalicious - S.O.B.’s Tue 4/29, Wed 4/30 - Melissa Ferrick - Knitting Factory Wed 4/30 - Pearl Jam - Nassau Coliseum Wed 4/30 - Bright Eyes, Arab Strap - Irving Plaza Thur 5/1 - Bright Eyes - Town Hall Thur 5/1 - The Butchies - Knitting Factory Fri 5/2 - The Ataris - Roseland Ballroom
NJ Folk Festival on Douglass & Ag Field Day on Cook
Medium meeting tonight 9:30 @ LSC 111
Saturday, April 26 come for the meats on sticks! stay for the concerts! FREE admission! last issue of the year next week! send events to email@example.com
New Jersey Wed 4/23 - Lifehouse, Fiction Plane - Stone Pony Fri 4/25 - Cheap Trick - Count Basie Theater Fri 4/25 - Marah, Terry Little - The Saint Fri 4/25 - Denali, The Anniversary Maxwell’s Fri 4/25 - Sun 4/27 - Skate & Surf Festival Asbury Park Convention Hall Sat 4/26 - Stephen Lynch - Stone Pony Sat 4/26 - Margaret Cho - Count Basie Theater Tue 4/29 - Hookah Brown (w/ Rich Robinson of The Black Crowes) Maxwell’s Wed 4/30 - Jucifer, The Detachment Kit Maxwell’s Thur 5/1 - 50 Cent, Clipse - Convention Hall (Asbury Park) Thur 5/1 - The Transplants - Birch Hill Fri 5/2 - Gipsy Kings - Count Basie Theater http://www.themedium.net