04/17/02

THE ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY OF SPECIAL PERMISSION NUMBERS The

MEDIUM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Volume XXXIII, Number 20

FALL 2002 UNDERGRADUATE SCHEDULE OF CLASSES THAT WILL BE FILLED BY THE TIME YOU CAN REGISTER

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EDITORIALS

“Love and Marriage Love and Marriage”

An Utterly Pointless, yet Very Interesting Piece

by John Minus I was gonna talk about the “The Campus Freedom of Expression Conference and what a complete oxymoron it turned out to be. I was going to write about how they had us come so they could make us look like uneducated, amateurish jerks in front of completely respectable people from around the country. I was going to write about how I nearly lost my cool at this conference and was about to strangle some lowlife who interrupted me when I was about to make an articulate and quite frankly stunning point. But I let the rage go. I decide that it is not healthy to hold on to such deep, burning blind rage for too long, so I let it go. I guess you could say that I am mellowing in my old age, but I do not think that is it.

In my world, there are two kinds of people. There are those who get it, and those who do not. I hate those who do not get it because they seem to be often be the ones who are most convinced that they are right, and that everyone else should be like them. People who do not get it are generally insufferable to anyone accept others who do not get it. Those who don’t get it are mostly unhappy, whether they acknowledge it or not, because they usually end up having to kill a piece of their soul. Those who don’t get it have nightmares about being like the rest of us, or having thoughts that they could associate with the rest of us deviants. And since everyone possesses a little bit of shared reality, those who don’t get it end up having to destroy a part of themselves to be more like the people they wish they were.

No one can be happy when they shut off pieces of themselves completely. It is unhealthy to shun bits of your soul in favor of other bits because eventually those shut off bits fester and rot like food left in the refrigerator too long. And, like spoiled food, they will wreak havoc on your insides when they get out. And that is what happens to these people. They grow to hate the urges they have, and they grow top hate even more those who are at ease with that which eats them up inside. I see these traits in a lot of people. They are usually people who do not have a sense of humor, or do not get yours.

I am different from almost every other human being I have ever met in my entire life. There is something about me than not everyone can handle. I guess you could call it a spark of madness. I think it makes me fun to be around, but not everyone agrees. I do not think people are able to understand me because, at times, I am pure intuition, pure emotion. Most of the time I do not act on what most people would call, “rational thought”. I do whatever comes to mind. If it occurs to me that this may be a bad thing, usually I do not do it. Usually. But sometimes I do, and I almost certainly always want to. I guess you could say that

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

my mind works on a different level than everyone else, not better, just different. Actually I think it’s better because I am always in touch with hat I am feeling. I always know what’s going on in my head, even if I do not understand it. The subconscious is supposed to be just that, but mine is not. My Id is right up there on the surface with my Ego, and my ego is subconscious. I do not know if that’s a good thing or not but, as I said before, it makes life interesting. It’s not that I do not understand the rest of you, I do, I understand you very well. I just do not know how to make you understand me.

Those who get it understand me. Some of you, the more non-conventional ones, may even see me for what I am. Whenever I meet someone and we click, say when I meet a girl who is not afraid to not make sense, I feel like I have known her my whole life. It happen with guys sometimes too, but I like it better when I meet a girl I click with because...well, I just like girls a whole hell of a lot better than guys. There are a lot of girls who I wish got the point of life, but they just don’t. They time themselves down, place boundaries on themselves, and generally make themselves miserable. I have discovered that the biggest pain women face on a daily basis is themselves. They are their own worst enemies. Not men, though I can see how that argument could be made. Women do not need to rail against men, they need to rail against their internal inconsistencies and self doubt. Women need to need to kill the self-conscious monsters that roam free inside them, and when they are truly free of all doubt, all misgivings, all care about what others think about them, when they are truly filled with self-love, then anything a man could do to them would be irrelevant, because their internal strength would obliterate all obstacles.

From the last paragraph you would get the idea that I like women. This could not be farther from the truth. As I’ve chronicled before, I’ve had a horrible time with women in the past present and, I assume, future. I’ve tried to figure out what the problem is, and I’ve been told what my problem is by more people thank I care to remember, but very little has changed. I think I know what the problem is though. I think I am a little too wild, a little too feral for most girls. I think girls may want someone tamer. Someone predictable, someone who they understand and know what that person is going to do at any given moment, that’s what they want. I think girls want someone who will give them a challenge, but who ultimately will fall under their control. And I, know matter how in love I am, will never be predictable, and will never be controlled. I think girls, and people in general, are afraid of me because in my mind I am totally free. Free of barriers, free of expectations, mostly free of doubt, and free of caring what others think of me. I am free of reason and free of the constraints of consensual reality. This may be the weirdest thing you read this week, or even this month, but it is only the 14th weirdest thought I’ve had today, if that gives you any perspective. Truthfully I am grateful that you are reading this at all because maybe it will bring you a little closer to getting it, and understanding me. If this all makes perfect sense to you, then get away from me cuz your probably a freaking psycho. If this makes no sense to you, but you desperately want to understand, then come talk to me, I may be able to help you...

Why Isn’t He Dead Yet? By: Michael Stanley

Do you have problems playing with others? Do you have problems playing with others because the psychiatrists say your a danger to yourself and others? Then hop the fence and come to a Medium meeting, Wednesday night LSC 113 AROUND 9-ISH. Bring a friend.

And if you’re as crazy as I am, write a an article and send it to Heterofrenzy@yahoo.com

So, today I read about how America’s number one death target has been spotted in some new terrorist video. How amusing this really is, I really think that he should be dead by now. Why isn’t he dead yet you might ask, well I’ve asked myself that too many times.

The US is a very powerful nation and for a powerful nation we should have killed Osama by now. Yes he’s hiding, yes he’s very rich and knows people, yes he can hide, but for how long? Did he shave his beard, did he cut his hair, this isn’t the “Fugitive” with Harrison Ford running from police, it’s a douche bag that cowardly insulted the best nation in the world. Yes it is cocky to say we’re the best nation in the world, but live with it, we are.

I propose we find O-B-L, and kill him. How should we kill him, I think public execution would be appropriate, along with all his other terrorist comrades. I also think we should put this on TV, and raise a hell of a lot of money. Would you pay to see this piece of human feces killed on TV, I surely would! I also think we should get a huge manhunt out for OBL, “Ransom” style. Remember how Mel Gibson decides to turn the tables on the kidnapper and puts up a huge reward to turn in the guy who stole his son, it worked in the move and it’ll work in real life. How did “Ransom” end, sorry to ruin it if you didn’t see it, but Mel gets the kidnapper and gets his son back, happy ending. What Americans want most from all this terrorist crap is a happy ending. Yeah, OBL and his al-Qa’ida attacked us, and we need to get some payback.

People have protested the attacks against any terrorists, but I see it as, kill them before they have a chance to kill us. We know what they want to do to us; we’re not some idiots in a scary movie. We should know better not to go outside to investigate a noise or to try to start our car because the car won’t start and the killer comes towards you at a brisk walking pace at most. Osama should be dead by now, as should other people but they haven’t done things close to as horrible as he has planned. If we’re fighting a war against terrorism, why not eliminate it as a whole. Let the world join to eliminate Terrorism.

THE

MEDIUM

WRITING STAFF

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John Minus, Michael Stanley, Martin Babitz, Brian Williams, Ryan Beckman, Carol Hu, Brian Benson, Troy Crowder, Ritch Boblenz, Tobias Wench, Amy Groark, Alexander the Poet, Schmatso Von Lavainteiensdz Cover by: Troy Crowder

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner

I’m an idiot!

Talk to meeeee!

AIM: MediumEiC When: Monday after 9 pm EiC Corner: Well, only a couple of you have been good enough to send in material via this newfangled contraption called AIM. and here’s what we got: “theres these two kids, timmy and tommy. its xmas eve and theyre both opening their presents. timmy opens his, and hes getting all this good shit, like toys, a bike, all this good shit. tommy's opening his, and hes getting crap, books, a sweater, socks. so timmy goes, i love xmas, i get all these good presents. tommy replies, well, at least i dont have cancer.” “poobuttass” Can you do better?

IM me and I’ll still wonder!

Personals Editors

Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian DeLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John W. Minus

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

“ It’s an institute you can’t disparage” I am the Sleeping Giant of Rutgers University

Q: WHAT DOES VAGINA TASTE LIKE?: A. Red Kool-Aid B. Kittens C. Easy-Mac D. Albicore Tuna E. Other Email all replies to heterofrenzy@yahoo.com

By Martin Babitz Rutgers populace, beware!!! You have lain complacent for far too long, unawares of the great and tremendous power that sits dormant just underneath you. This long, and lucky span of time has come to an end, and you, Rutgers populace, have awakened me, Martin Babitz, sleeping giant.

Fear me!!! I will raise my mighty ham-sized fists, and crush all you wannabes that try and imitate! I shall crush all those who resist, and drink the tasty nectar of their souls from their still-warm craniums. My boots have seen armies crushed underneath the Timberland steel-shank insoles, and mighty titans kicked in the crotch with the iron-reinforced toe.

WHO PUT THE BOP IN THE BOP-SHOO-WOP-DE-WOP Just yesterday, I had an unfortunate run-in with Sophomore Justin Mikah (RC’ A. Fran Lawrence 05), where he said that I looked “pretty gay” in my soul-reaping outfit, which B. Invader Zim consists appropriately of my mightiest crushed velvet slacks, with the feathers of the now-extinct Quetzal bird knit into a warriors cloak. I dispatched him by C. Chandler grabbing his head and stepping on it with my aforementioned boots. He quickly D. Fitness celebrity John tried to take back his insult, but by the time he thought of it, his head was Basedow already mounted on my ‘84 Sunbird.

E. Other Email all replies to Such is the fate of those that oppose me, insult me, or tell me I have “rage issues.”

Heterofrenzy@yahoo.com

OPINIONS OPINIONS WHAT IS A BERBER? A. A kind of tunafish B. A mythical creature, (i.e.

Chimera, Sphinx, Unicorn etc.)

C. A type of cyst found on the upper back D. A pirate F. A myth used to frighten small children E. Other (specify) Email your answers to Heterofrenzy@yahoo.com HOW “EASY” IS JOHN MINUS? A. Easier than first grade math B. Easier than falling off a log C. Easier than contracting an std at Rutgers D. Easier than getting into Rutgers in the first place E. Other (specify) Email your answers to Heterofrenzy@yahoo.com

HOW I FEEL ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF: my brush with Lameness. by John William Minus I met Greg Schiano yesterday. I did. I did not really talking him, but I sat no more than 5 feet from him, I swear. It was in Voorhees mall on the big bench with the little stone wall behind it, (you know the one, trust me.) Well I was sitting there reading a book for class, minding my own, when this group of strapping young lads comes striding up to me, led by none other than one Greg “It’s Time” Schiano. I suppose that he was busy showing the freshmen football players around the campus. Since I was busy studying, I paid him little mind, until it became painfully apparent that I was sitting directly in the path of his presentation. Well, I’m a senior, and I have given This school more of my money than anyone else in my life which, I believe entitles me to sit anywhere in any campus that I please. So gave him a polite greeting and went about my business. I think he took it well, as he gave a little speech about the buildings in Voorhees Mall and the history of Henry Rutgers, but I got a different impression from the rest of the coaching staff who all gave me dirty looks as they pass by. I have but one thing to say to them. Put together a winning football team, and maybe then I will show you some respect.

Israelis Vs Palestinians: What Ever Happened to Rationality, Independent Thought and Basic out bombings against the Israelis. About a week ago information was revealed that he personally signed a paper to Human Decency? bankroll suicide bombings that an extremist faction of the Palestinian Authority carried out. A few days ago he finally

By Brian Williams, Angry Jewish Male condemned the suicide bombings but due to the fact that he was being pressured by the US and is at this point virtually Unless you are living under a rock and are powerless over his own people, this strikes me as being some completely oblivious to what is going on around the convenient lip service.

What annoys me the most about world, surely you have are at least somewhat aware of this conflict however is not the irresponsibility of the men the current situation in Israel and its occupied in charge, but the determined single-mindedness that a lot territories. Suicide bombings have become an almost people who care about this situation seem to have.

Not a week daily occurrence in Israel while the Israeli army goes by even at this school where there isn’t a pro Israel continues to occupy territories it once promised to the rally and an immediate pro Palestinian counter rally.

Palestinians while simultaneously shooting or Essentially both sides will spew rhetoric, point fingers at humiliating anyone who opposes their reign. In other words, the situation is basically ruled by extremists on each other and will simply not acknowledge any fault that their own side has. When I come across these debates I try to either side who have no interest in compromising there present a conciliatory viewpoint and occasionally get the religious and nationalistic “ideals” in exchange for participants to see the other sides position but these people anything even vaguely resembling peace.

Whoa I’m sort of stating a broad generalization tend to be irrationally self-righteous and blind to other viewpoints there. But a closer analysis reveals much evidence If I found the rallies generally distressing, I found supporting that theory. First of all, start with the what I heard at the meetings of the religious organizations people directly in power of these conflicting groups. even worse.

You heard that right, I went to both Islamic and Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister is a man most Jewish student organization events and I made sure to keep my famed throughout his career both as prime minister and a religious identity hidden at the Islamic meeting so I got an commander of the Israeli army for his militaristic undiluted and uncensored version of what they were thinking. campaigns against various Arab neighbors and his The speaker of honor at the meeting of the Islamic society was unwillingness to give up any land in exchange for peace. basically calling for an eventual dismantling of the entire However, he is no mere right wing militarist. Once known Israeli State no matter how long it took or how bad the death as The “Butcher of Beirut”, he allowed over 2000 toll would be, and he justified it through all these versus in Palestinian refugees (largely old men, women and the Koran that supposedly preordained it to happen.

At the one children) in the 1980’s to be slaughtered by a fanatical of the Jewish meetings, a leader personally told one of the Christian group, a situation which he could have participants not to bring a Muslim friend to it, while at prevented but had no desire to. As a young man he used another one a speaker showed a videotape defending and calling to walk around his own neighborhood with a club, ready for the Jewish settlement of the West Bank which basically to beat up any Palestinian that dared to start trouble with him. He is also completely opposed to a sovereign translates into going into Palestinian territory and bulldozing Palestinian neighborhoods that existed for years Palestinian State being created from the occupied territories, and was even once branded as a war criminal and building Jewish ones in their place. What are students supposed to think when these are the ideas being preached to from the United Nations.

Despite the supposed commitment to peace that he them? Does blind religious devotion and nearly fascistic nationalism really rule otherwise intelligent peoples brains made during the 1993 treaty between Israel and the to such a great degree? Unfortunately, it’s looking more and Palestinians, Palestinian Authority Chairman Yassir more that way and things are not going to change unless people Arafat has proved to be not much more committed to peace, than he was in his early career when him and his really start questioning their fixed mindsets.

Palestinian Liberation Organization frequently carried To be continued

“Floor tiles of the world unite.”

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

Expository Writing Class to Change Policies By: Michael Stanley

After a weekend of protesting and the public burning of the “New Humanities Reader”, the Writing Program at Rutgers University has decided to change the standards for it’s most despised class, Expository Writing.

Washington D.C. - Last night in their first press conference ever, GMA (Gay Men of America) announced that years of research proved one thing time and time again: that homophobic men are ugly.

“We decided to do this study after those nasty brutes said they didn’t like us. As gay men we were all appalled that such ugly people would say that they were rejecting us,” said GMA chairman Art Diempen.

I may be gay, but at “I’m thick and tired of people trying to prove to least I’m not ugly! one another that they’re superior. I’m dithgusted that everything hath to be a competition… but it’th the way thingth are, tho I’ll be damned if I’ll let thothe ugly thtraight men think they’re better than me… becauthe I’m prettier than them all,” said a proud GMA member.

To get both sides of this story I asked a local homophobic redneck what he thought about GMA’s findings to which he said, “GM-Whut? I’m sorry I don’t understand I’m still being learned my letters….”

When asked to respond to this comment Mr. Diempen replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the study also showed all those ugly men to be dumb…. But I mean that’s so obvious, I mean they do wear brown shoes with blue pants….”

DISEASE: LAZINESS

This past Friday at 3 pm. Students from all Unfortunatley Bongo was not five campuses incited a riot and burned all one of the Monkeys who learned available copies of the “Humanities Reader” how to swim... but he did man- the book that is the basis for the class. The age to give a man plague... and rioters later decided to blockade Murray through that he will live on Hall, the home of the Writing Center. forever... in the blood that runs Employees of the University were unable through our hearts... We love to leave because as one furious student said you Bongo.

“Expository writing it a joke and has no real purpose in life.”

The irate students also stormed the building and began to harass the people incharge. After roughly two and a half hours of torture, one of the guilty admitted to the inequities of the course. When asked how grades were determined, one of the captured said, “There is no real basis for grading, we’ve got a monkey and if he and his friends beat the men’s football team you pass. It used to be competition diving, and before that swimming races. We decided to change that after the monkey learned how to perform summersaults, twists and most importantly learned how to swim, he became too damn good for a stupid little monkey.”

By Carol Hu Rutgers University— Professors have reported that students’ attendance rates have been rapidly decreasing. Classes that are normally meant to be full, only have a fourth of the seats filled. Statistics prove that the earlier the class, the fewer students attending. Most students typically attend classes around 4th and 5th periods – times when students can actually wake up. “Students are not going to class and at this rate it is unacceptable. I personally have decided to make attendance policies more strict and mandatory,” comments Professor Murray.

Studies show that the key reasons for poor attendance are procrastination, an overabundance of partying, and the bad influence of Internet chatting or surfing. “When I had Ethernet last year, all I did was waste away in front of my computer chatting on AIM. This year I live in the Quads on College Ave and because I don’t have such easy access to the Internet [because my dorm stinks], my grades are far better,” Ryan, RC ’04.

Students typically wait until the last possible minute to complete assignments or study.

This issue is increasingly becoming a setback in educating college students. Students are lazy. I am lazy, so I’m choosing not to finish this article.

Takethisquiz:http://www.stvlive.com/oddities/quizme/ internetaddict/quiz.php If you actually considered it, you’re addicted to the Internet and you need to stop wasting your time in front of the computer. It’s an evil, evil addiction. The weather is great, go play Frisbee with your dog.

After the startling information of the monkey torture, the angry students began to make and carry signs for a pro-monkey organization, Monkeys Existence Doesn’t Imply University-wide Monkey-torture. The rioters were stopped by the Rutgers Police Department in their riot gear. In response to the actions the Writing Program held a meeting this past Monday regarding the needed changes in the program.

The M.E.D.I.U.M plans to have a meeting Wednesday night at 9pm in the Livingston student center in room 111. There will be punch and pie.

by Brian Benson

CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com

Those shoes do not match your uniform....

If you can think of anything more important than that... write a news article and send it to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com

The Burger princess,oldest daughter of fast food cartoon royal The Burger King was arrested early sunday morning for driving drunk.She had apperently spent a long night of drinking and taking pills at entertainer and family foe Ronald McDonalds estate. This was the second time in the past few weeks that the Burger Royal family has been thrust into the public eye due to a scandal. The Burger King's oldest son recently admitted to a sever heroin addiction, and the King's youngest daughter appeared in a bootleg pornographic film being sodomized by arch rival Grimace, the large purple non specific McDonald's land creature.

Members of the press have widely reported that the Burger King is growing tired of his family's embarassing behavior, yet he reportedly continues to say, "Have it your way" when his heirs request a special order. The Burger royal familys scandals makes some fast food monarch watchers fear another case of burger regacide will sweep the kingdom, as it did during Upon hearing the news of the latest incident, the Burger King (pictured above with his the White Castle massacres of 1375 in which brothers Lou (on the left) and Raymond (on the several all beef flame broiled pattys were used along with crisp tomatoes and iceberg lettuce right)) proclaimed “At least I’m not dead... like Dave Thomas.” to overthrow the royal family.

“It’s Funtastic!”

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

NEW BRUNSWICK – Lucent Theoretical Physicist John Paulson has configured a workable theorem to explain the disappearance of his TV remote.

The remote, which disappeared last week, has yet to be found and Paulson believes he has the answer.

"I first noticed that it was gone when I sat down to watch Nova, they were talking about some new views of a uniformed field theory and I wanted to change the channel to see what episode of Star Trek TNG, TNN was running and than I noticed the unmentionable. So I had to get up and change the channel. Oh I might add I got a few pretzels from the kitchen."

Paulson said describing the incident.

The remote, which has a history of disappearance, was not searched for at first. However after several days an exhaustive search was undertaken by the Paulson family. The search spanned under the couch, in the cushions, and regions of the bathroom. Despite these efforts the remote was not found. It was at that point that Paulson believed he knew where the remote had gone.

At a press conference held in the Paulson living room, the new theory was unveiled.

"You see according to Superstring theory every atom that interacts with another atom will continue to affect each other until the end of conceivable time and since every atom interacted with every other atom during the Big Bang well than every atom is constantly interacting with every other atom. It happens all the time on a sub-atomic level with particles reacting with other particles not even in the sameuniverse and across unimaginable distances" Paulson

By John Minus

summarized the popular theory.

He was than quick to elaborate how this rather controversial view applies to the disappearance of his remote, through the use of a pie chart created by his son Tim the explanation was further clarified.

"Ok so here is where it gets tricky, it is believed that every subatomic rotation creates an alternate universe where the molecule would have rotated differently and therefore there would be different results. This creates a nearly infinite amount of universes, and since all atoms interact with other atoms on a subatomic level, well that means that our universe effects and is affected by the nearly infinite amount of universes, and therein lies the mystery of the missing remote."

Paulson stated.

Dr. Paulson than proceeded to lower the lights and his wife Paula ran a short film to visual depict what exactly had occurred.

NEW BRUNSWICK In what has come to be known as an annual orgy of violence and destruction, women from all over Rutgers University rampaged across New Brunswick in a mockery of civilized behavior called “Take Back the Night”. Every year, men across New Brunswick and Piscataway shudder behind locked doors and barricaded windows They don’t understand how hard it . On this night no man would dare be caught is to be a male oppressor. outside, lest he be rent asunder by the riled-up women of Douglass College. The next morning clean-up crews mop up the blood and entrails of the women’s victims. Here is a transcript from our undercover reporter Mari Cabrah, who went undercover on the Douglass Campus to report firsthand the brutality and savagery that is Take Back the Night.

“The night began with the already excited and tipsy womyn gathering at the chapel on Douglass, howling and singing their war chants into the night air. It is said this is done to let the men know they are coming, so they can cower in fear. Then the storytelling begins. The seniors start, but any are invited to rise and tell the others of their tales of pain, anguish, sorrow, anger, victory and defeat. The tales serve to bond all present into a single-minded pack of angry, violent vengeful womyn. The tale singing continues until the womyn are whipped into a passionate frenzy. When the frenzy reaches its climax, the now-crazed animals take off down George Street, killing any poor unfortunate men who happen to cross their path. With cries of “oppressor” and “future rapist” they howled through the panic stricken town, leaving nothing but death and destruction in their wake. I was personally forced to rip the arms off of a poor man caught leaving a Chinese food restaurant. Strangely, his screams sounded like music to me. I must admit that the fever was infectious, and soon I was drinking the lifeblood f the male oppressors as heartily as any of my sisters.

The patriarchy will fall, if not by our claws than by the steel and teeth of those who will come after us. Run cowards, run and hide! THE WOMYN WILL FIND YOU! THE WOMYN WILL FIND YOU AND CUT YOUR HEART OUT!” Mari has not been heard from since. We think she has joined the tribe of Womyn who run Take Back the Night. Next year the National Guard will be brought in to protect local men, but we at the Medium fear that even they will not be enough.

The video showed the Paulson’s remote of Universe A, it than showed how it was possible through sub-atomic transportation for the molecules to re-align themselves in an alternate reality referred to as Universe B. This is where Paulson believes their re- that the remote entered into the alternate mote is now located. universe as a chunk of antimatter that once arrived in my alternate living room pro"You see we have no remote, but ceeded to destroy everything from the our remote has transported itself plaid drapes to our 19’ inch Sanyo teleinto a bold new universe. This is a vision. Not to mention my family and all universe where the Paulson’s have the matter in that universe tearing it apart two remotes. Imagine waking up molecule by molecule but since this type and finding two remotes where you of macro-molecular transportation has once had one, its mind boggling, I never been documented we can’t be can only hope that my counterpart sure." Paulson said can figure out what happened before the sheer shock of the whole Paulson finished by stating that the best procedure destroys him." hope of the remote returning would be that eventually it would phase back into Paulson was also quick to point our own universe. out other possibilities of what might Paulson’s theory was meet with both have happened to the remote. praise and criticism. Most notable critics "Oh there is also a possibility included Paulson’s wife Paula.

Come to a Medium Meeting Tonight in the Livingston Student Center at 9:00 PM be there because it’s slightly better than doing nothing.

"Quite frankly I wish he had spent more time looking for the remote and not making that dumb presentation." Paula stated.

Paulson’s daughter was also critical of her father’s theory.

"Yeah he’s so absent minded, he loses that thing all the time, one time he went to get ice cream, and actually left the remote in the freezer can you believe that?" Linda Paulson stated.

"If the remote doesn’t re-sub-transport or whatever the hell it was soon, than Paul’s going to transport himself down to Sears and pick up a new one." Paula stated as she stormed off to watch TV in the kitchen on the family’s smaller set.

POLICE BLOTTER • A university student was taken into custody a few days ago for attempting to bribe her teacher. University officials refused to state what the exact offer the girl made was but lets face it... this is Rutgers.

• ANew Brunswick resident was arrested for stealing trays from the Brower Dining hall. When asked why he did it, the man said he had recently seen the Back to the Future movis and wanted to tie

rope to the back of a car and learn how to “sketch” so he could see the car drive into a truck of poo.

-George Baxer (The above info was provided by someone who wrote way too much for the last one.)

GMG

“ . < It’s your period... and it follows you everywhere!”

Douglass Women "Take Back the Night"; Exchange it for New Shoes

In Defense of Mattia

by Rich Bibbslenz

by Troy Crowder This past Thursday, students from Douglass College joined with local women and feminist activists to "Take Back the Night." After several hours of searching around the area, the crowd decided to exchange the night for a brand new pair of shoes. After some more deciding, they settled on a new pair of Gianna Melianis.

Douglass Broads Protesting the lack of low, low prices, and shoe bargains.

"We feel that these shoes will go well with not only our work clothes, but in dressier occasions," said activist Jean McRappaport, speaking to the ecstatic crowd. "For they have a sense of style but their slight clog-based image also shows they are functional."

"It was high time for the night to be taken back," said event organizer Susan B. Manthonly. "It had gotten old, used-looking, and generally no longer attracted the attention that it once did. With these new shoes we will once again get the stares that will bring us a MAN." She thenproceeded to tear off her clothes in hopes of reclaiming her sexuality but only served to excite the boys in Stonier Residence Hall.

Pumps were also Joining in the demonstration with his girlfriend, Craig Prada found on hand at the McWhipped said he glorious Night Return learned a lot. "I never realized how important it was to take the night back. I thought it had something to do with Rutgers' mascot.

But I'm glad I came out here, lotsa fine fine bettys around."

Tired of the thug life? Lookin’ for a bit of the hug life? Come to a Medi- Wait. No f- that. Screw the meeting.

Just send me articles promptly u at: gers.ed

.rut n e d e z@ mbabit

Ghetto Love

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

About six months ago, I wrote a commentary in the Medium on what I thought was the worst piece of doggie doo in the history of mankind, Mattia. However, I was a young vulnerable freshman at the time, and with the wonderful education I’ve received from Rutgers U, I am now able to understand the true meaning and purpose of Mattia, which I would now like to call “The Most Poignant and Thought-Provoking Comic Strip of All Time.” In the past six months, Mattia has been attacked in Liquid Kids, John Doe, probably the Review (I wouldn’t know), and continuously in the Medium. I would like this article to act as a ceasefire on The Most Poignant and Thought-Provoking Comic Strip of All Time, as I explain the beauty and genius Guy Patrick exhibits throughout his art.

The Mattia gang as a whole represents life in general. Through their crazy adventures, the gang submits a clever and humorous take on the world. Each character symbolizes a different section of man’s innerworkings. Each member is equally important, but some members are more equally important. Those characters I like to call “The Big Three Who Play the Most Equally Important Roles In the Most Poignant and Thought-Provoking Comic Strip of All Time.”

Bibbs would represent comic relief to a lesser man, while in actuality, he represents the inner-child. The constant goofing off and ignoring his studies equals our own desires for harmless pleasure and joy.

Chris (the guy with the black hair) symbolizes the shortcomings of man. Always succumbing to Bibbs’ wild schemes, always being talked out of studying, never sticking up for himself, and always reluctant to ask out the yellow-backpack girl.

The often-referenced Yellow-Backpack Girl may play the most important role in the strip. She represents our own hopes and dreams. We all want to go up to the proverbial “Yellow-Backpack Girl” in our proverbial lives, so that we all may be proverbially truly happy, and live in proverbial utopia.

It is in the interactions of Chris and Bibbs that we are able to understand the good/evil complex. Patrick even goes so far as to draw a very small angel and devil opposite Chris’ shoulders, while the angel tells him to do the noble task (studying) and the devil tells him to only party and have fun. Seeing this strip was pretty much where I realized the brilliance of Mattia. I mean, such a fresh, funny, original, and innovative idea such as an angel and devil whispering into someone’s ears... Genius.

I was originally offended by the Mattia gang likening to Peanuts characters in the way they are way drawn (the circles around the eyes, stringy hair), yet I realized that this was simply an homage to the late, great Charles Schultz, a genius in his own right (arguably more brilliant than Patrick. Wait. No. No fucking way does anyone come close to Guy Patrick.)

To sum it all up, Mattia is a beautiful, profound statement on the nature of man. I shall agonize until the day when the Mattia Treasury is published, so that I can pass that treasury onto my son, and tell him, “This is all you ever needed to know about life.”

By John Minus

Johnny decided he didn’t need Captain Hetero for this job; it demanded a more personal touch.

His friend Calief had a long road ahead of him; he couldn’t hack organic chem., and had to change his major to Psychology. Now he runs whatever scams he can, from con games to running pointless experiments and keeping the funding he gets from the IRB. Johnny was deep in thought as he approached his goal. Well, a man’s gotta hustle what a man’s gotta hustle. I ain’t mad at him, though cheating freshmen out of their money is kinda low. He was right though; Livingston at night is kinda dangerous. Five guys have tried to mug me between the library and Tillett. They failed of course, but I didn’t kill them, they were just geology majors down on their luck, I kinda feel sorry for them. Ca told Johnny that the biggest pusher on Livingston lived in the Quads, but he didn’t know which one. The bitches he kept did know however, and they tended to congregate over in Yorba

Lounge in Tillett. Tillett can best be described as the Port Authority without all the class and style. Tillett houses several institutions, such as a computer lab, bad dining hall, mailroom, crack house, Psych department, whorehouse, and headquarters for the local gang/Frat members the Alphas. The Alphas, and their sister counterpart HOE liked to have their “meetings” in the lounge, and that was where I was heading. I wasn’t particularly relishing the thought though; the Alphas where just as insufferable as the DIK bastards. Even though they were black, they were still assholes.

Some things transcend race I guess. Likewise, the HOE sisters were pretty big, well, hoes, rivaling even those SLTitches. The only good thing about these guys was that they hated DIK AND SLT as much as I do.

Even if I didn’t know where the lounge was, they would not have been hard to find…I needed to only follow the cloud of pot smoke and

ridiculously loud baselines. I walked in and nearly passed out; the pot smoke was that thick.There was more of it than oxygen. There were lots of black people, impeccably dressed, drinking smoking, having a good time…too bad I’d have to start busting heads in about 5 minutes.

It’s amazing how well some of these kids dress, considering they’re freshmen. And they wonder why they don’t have money for books. I was just about to figure out which nigga was gonna catch it when I saw someone who made my jaw drop…Taaija. I haven’t seen her in three years. She definitely looked different; she was a lot more developed than I remember, dark and sweet skin like molasses. I remember wanting to do her but never getting around to it. She was hanging all over this big nigga, bigger than me actually. He looked strong and mean, definitely not the kind of girl the Taaija I knew would have liked. She grew up in Colonia for God’s sake, not exactly Camden. “Johnny! Wassup mah nigga?”

When did she get thugged out? “Taaija, what happened to you? You used to be so…gated community and Banana Republic. When did you go projects and

Against All Odds?” Taaija disentangled herself from the as yet unnamed antagonist of this story and gave Johnny a hug.

“You know how it is dog, I pledged with Epsilon bitches and nature took its course.

They made me hard like them, yay Yaaaiiiiiii!!!” Various women around the room answered Taaija’s screech. This pained Johnny greatly 1. because he hated those banshee screams black sororities seem to cherish, and 2. he had the hearing of a dog and it hurt very badly.

“Right”, Johnny uttered, “So, who’s you’re little buddy here?” Johnny motioned towards the soon to be named, and soon to be greatly enraged, antagonist of our story. “Oh, that’s Big Bull, he’s the head Nigga of the Alphas. The Alpha of the Alpha’s, ain’t that right boo?” Bull rose to his full height of 7’1" (!) and looked down at Johnny. I know you Taurus.

You’sa big Nigga over on College Ave. You better recognize real quick that I’m the big dog on Livingston, you feel me bitch?” Johnny smiled and looked down.

“Oh how I hate black on black violence…but some people just really deserve to get their grill busted in. (to be continued)

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

Features

“Rugged and Reliable” Late Edition:

Tardy “Onion Themed” Article Reveals Deeper Problems at Rutgers Entertainment Magazine

“Why Does Mommy Hate Daddy?”

By Martin Babitz

Tobias Wench, Faux Nom de Plume

Lately lots of religious types have come out of the woodwork (as they do about once a semester) to complain about the content of the Personals section. Often these misguided few whine about their personal offense taken at what they see as racist, sexist, filth. I would correct them, informing them that their beef is not with the campus at large (the sad body who admittedly writes the things) but with the editors themselves.

You see, when you are offended by something, your first natural reaction is to be offended by the body that carries it. Then, as educated folk, you look past this, realizing that they obviously come from lots of different people who have lots of different beefs with others. I say to you that like in your SATs or GREs, trust your initial judgment: the Personals editors Ritch and Carol are most certainly to blame. Without them, the world would not feature such racism and evil, and its up to you to be personally offended by their very existence.

Did you know that for every sexual assault on campus, 2/3 of them in some way result from the existence of the Medium Personals section, and its editors? Last year, when a bus hurtled through a dorm on Busch, who was behind the wheel if not the personals editors? When Jesus was put on the cross, were they far behind? And when the former EiC created a cover featuring two Messiahs engaged in sexual intercourse, who was the voice of evil whispering in his ear if not Carol Hu, Personals Editor?

True, there are some on staff that use the Personals for airing their own grievances. For example those TKE guys and our News Editor, Ryan Beckman don’t get along. Just yesterday he was talking about how they routinely perform sexual acts upon each other, often in exchange for money or what he calls “frat money”: horrible, watered-down beer spiked with unnamed fluids.

He was also saying that he could take any one of those “funk-monkeys” to the mat with one hand tied behind his back, and no legs at all.

Me though (via Chris Desarno, former What’s Shakin’ Ed.), I say that the world already contains such hate, and The Medium Personals just reminds us that it exists. Feel free though to get yourself so riled up about our role in it that you actually rally in hate against us. The irony of that is absolutely awesome.

Being a poet of romance, and one that is world-renouned, with his own website, I feel it be my responsibility to educate your readers with a phrase that I find very essential to know whenever you travel overseas and to many other different speaking countries such as Mexico, Italy, and Busch Campus.

ALEXANDER THE POET'S GUIDE TO SAYING "Excuse me girl, can you please show me your breasts?"

IN ANY COUNTRY YOU GO! SPANISH: ¿Perdóneme la muchacha, usted por favor puede mostrarme sus paros?

FRENCH: Excusez-moi la fille, pouvez-vous s'il vous plaît me montrer vos mésanges ?

GERMAN: Entschuldigen Sie mich Mädchen, können Sie mir bitte Ihre Meisen zeigen?

RUSSIAN: Izveniti mina devotchka, vi mozhite pazhalusta pakazat mine vashi titki?

ITALIAN: Me scusa la ragazza, lei può soddisfare la mostra me il suo tits?

PORTUGESE: Desculpe-me menina, você podem agradar mostram-me seuas tetas?

NORWEGIAN: Unnskyld meg pikekan De behager utstilling meg deres tits?

POLISH: Wybaczaja mnie dziewczyna, moze wy sprawiac przyjemnosc pokazuja mnie wasze tits ?

BUSCH CAMPUS: Oh my god. Please, can you show me your tits?

I've never seen a girl with tits on this campus before. I'll give you my TI83 Calculator if you show me...

NEW BRUNSWICK – The Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers University is going through changes. Not the kind that leave your face pock marked with a horrid stain of acne that dampens the libido of even the horniest and most desperate of potential sexual partners, but a far more insidious and unnatural change. The Medium, having enjoyed a relatively brief period of readership amongst the 18-22 male chronic masturbating demographic, has suffered growing pains before, but this is something new. The Medium is getting old.

Case in point, last week’s “The Onion” homage/parody was scheduled to contain a feature piece by staff writer and 21st century digital boy Ben Schachtman. For those of you who read the issue, you already know that no such article appeared. Initially the humor-deprived public assumed a printing error, a scheduling mishap, or even perhaps a troubling turn of events in the otherwise prolific staff writer’s life.

Not so, sadly, not so.

Schachtman, in “I just couldn’t get my [Ben] together,” the writer exbetter days plained casually in an exclusive Medium interview, “I knew I was supposed to write it, but I was busy.” While many humorous columnists have moved on from the Medium to other college entertainment magazines, Schachtman planned no such move. “I was masturbating a lot that week,” he said wiping a curiously creamy stain from his thickly tinted sunglasses, “I went through about four boxes of Kleenex. What were we talking about?” At this point his rambling became indecipherable and it became easier to go on pure conjecture.

The Medium official press office offered a brief statement on Friday following widely circulated rumors that the weekly magazine was disbanding and ending publication indefinitely. “The Medium has always, and will always, be the prime source of humor at Rutgers, not including Rutgers administration and transportation services. At this time, we have no official comment about staff writer Ben Schachtman’s ostensible inability to produce written work on time. He has checked into a local methadone clinic and has not been heard from since. Frankly, we consider it to be a non-issue. We don’t know him that well. We really don’t even care.”

The statement also included plans to expand into the “themed amusement park” industry, rekindling rumors that current downtown New Brunswick construction is in fact the ground work for MediumLand. In a related story, a five hundred pound dead baby was found in the dumpster behind the College Avenue Campus Student Center.

Whos Gonna Get Loved?

By Carl Hungus Scream.

Scream as loud as you can…

But whether you like it or not.

Im gonna be your man!

I don’t want to kiss you I don’t wanna fight I just wanna know Whos getting loved tonight?!

At the party or at the bar…

Try to run you cant get far..

I don’t care if your one ugly sight..

I just want to know..

Whos getting loved tonight?!

Fat or skinny.. Black or white Come and tell me Whos getting loved tonight?

You know you want it don’t try to fight Are you the one getting loved tonight?

"I Love My Illegal Cable Box" 03/07/02 by Alexander The Poet I love my illegal cable box I get to watch free smut I also get HBO which rocks Love Cinemax alot I never have to pay for my pay per view I think that so much rules I get to see concerts and pro wrestling too And I don't pay like you The police can show up anytime right now And take my ass to jail But in prison, its not fun to be around The cable there is stale I love my illegal cable box Vinnie from Brooklyn gave It cost me about 300 bucks I'll take it to my grave

Are you spooked out easily? Do you often feel stressed, depressed, or anxious in social situations? Do you feel as if you are worthless, a fool, or an utter failure?

Then come work with The Medium!

Our meetings are Wed. Nights @ 9, in the dark halls of the LSC, Room 113 As always, submit articles at mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

Arts

[insert witty page header here]

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

Drums Drummer… More Words for a Bad Title A few years ago I started playing drums. I was a bandfag playing in marching band. Maybe it was because the athletics were terrible at my high school, much as they are at Rutgers, but the "bandfags" weren't sought out and beaten mercilessly, we weren't praised but… we just were. So anyway I played drums in the band and found that the people were a lot cooler than anyone who could possibly be reading this article so… I joined again. At some point I started acting like a handicapped child all the time…meaning when I'd listen to music I'd flail my arms and feet around like a complete jackass so I looked like a retarded person. Actually the proudest moment in my life was when I was doing this one day and a handicapped person on college ave. saw me "beating a rhythm" and started dancing around like an idiot… suddenly I felt less moronic.

So yeah I like making handicapped people dance so that's why I'm a drummer…. I don't really know where I'm going so I'll do a little review of some products….

Tama drums… in general these are amazing… the low end is the Swingstar… don't buy them… start off with the Tama Rockstar if you're starting to play drums… it's a little more expensive but a lot better. Above that… well I'm too lazy, there are a couple sets but the best is the Starclassic… these drums are beautiful… if you have a few thousand dollars to blow… give it to me because I'd do basically anything for them… you can get either birch drums for a sharper attack or if you're into more expensive, mellow sounds you can get the Starclassic Maple series drums… either way you should be happy with what you get.

While I like Tama drums more than others by far there are other brands…

DW makes rich boy drums… if you're a spoiled kid… this is what you should get… they sound good but no better than the equivalents from other companies…they cost 5 times more than anything else so if you like to waste money… get these.

Pearl drums… good old American drums… they're similar to Tama drums except not from Japan…. So on and so forth this article is dying and I wish I were too…blah blah blah… the end.

A big plump juicy Sir Mix-A-Lot-worthy ass full of fuck you to MTV for putting Björk in its Most Controversial Videos countdown - but not the way I thought. They didn’t put her video for “Pagan Poetry” in the ranks of other elegantly provocative videos like Eminem’s “Stan” and Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy.” Instead, they gave it a “dishonorable mention” for its brief yet graphic depiction of body piercing (they didn’t even mention the nudity). They had the nerve to air footage of some moronic teenage girls comment on how distasteful it was and how terrible it would be for kids to see something like this. MTV proceded to do the same for Cher’s “Turn Back Time” - which, for the record, deserved the dishonorable mention - she’s a woman in her forties clad in little more than two strategically placed leather straps.

Björk’s video, unlike many of the others on the countdown, is sophisticated and artful. But then again, that’s not really MTV’s realm.

by a person too ashamed to associate their name with this article

Send me some material so my page doesn’t suck. tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com

The Un-Nothingness of Stuff in the Black Void Which is Full of Emptiness and Some Pogs

Come to a Medium meeting Tonight at 9:00, LSC 113

by Schmatso Von Lavainteiensdz This poem has a dedication.

Yeah, this poem has a dedication This poem is dedicated to Bridget.

Yeah, this poem is dedicated to a skank named Bridget.

This one's for you. a drunken poet cries drunk on words and vodka He drops to his dirty knees and yells into the godless void “What rhymes with orange?!”

God answers.

“Orange, Porange, Morange.” words manifesting themselves in the form of vomit, not happy until the newsprint covers my hands, my body, and the genitals of the blind students THE BLIND STUDENTS! for you don't need to see you genitals to masturbate ... because darkness can't exist in a world of eternal night.

Yeah, this poem is dedicated to Bridget.

People of Rutgers, give me a sign.

A stop sign, a yield sign Something to hang on my dormitory door Please give me a sign That you actually do read this page that you do in fact give a flying rat’s ass about my long hours of anguish frustration and reading stories about the filthiest of filthy pornography.

Please give me a sign that justifies my weekly mindhaze up until wee hours agonizing over what to write searching for shreds of inspiration to fill this lonely section of newsprint

* PoweR of tha mOthafriGgin’ woRd *

What is the LCGA?

The Livingston College Governing Association The Livingston College Governing Association is the voice of Livingston students. Our main objective is to represent the views and concerns of Livingston College students. In fact, one LCGA member is voted into office on a yearly basis to represent one hundred Livingston College students

Elections: April 17-April 19 And Continue April 22-26 Vote online http://www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lcga/

Livingston College Governing Association – Livingston College – Livingston Student Center Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey Room 107A – Piscataway, New Jersey 08854-8045 lcga@eden.rutgers.edu - www.eden.rutgers.edu/~lcga (732) 445-3176

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 “Freedom of the press belongs to he who owns the press.”

-Claudia Winkler, managing editor, The Weekly Standard Students, faculty, organizations atRU: To those who don’t support this publication, you need to relax. This magazine makes me laugh. This magazine gives me something to read when I’m bored and waiting for the buses. This magazine makes me chuckle when I’m eating alone at the dining halls.

This magazine gives me the power of the first amendment.

This magazine is something to escapse to when there are uptight conservatives everywhere. This magazine reminds me that I am a student and can still joke around once in awhile, so don’t take away something that feeds m y sad little heart some joy.

Personals Personals

“My mummy thinks being gay is wrong”

“No College or University has the right to censor because of the first amendment - people have the right to be offensive. They have the right to make Hustler magazine look classy [if they want to].”

-Mark Goodman, esq., director, Student Law Center, Arlington, VA

People need to remember that The Medium is a satirical publication and shouldn’t be taken literally or seriously. Chill out.

to that russian guy who is in my cubism class, next time you decide to tell the teacher he’s wrong, why don’t you make sure you’re right first. Even if you’re Russian, you sure don’t If you don’t think this is funny, know what you’re talking don’t read it. do you think you about. Pronounced: [est-custcan do better? Submit to: va]- means art, not preference. unibutt@mad.scientist.com (Yeah, my roommate is APRIL 19th: Come to our russian and so is the staff booth at the Livingston Spring artist and they both say it Fest, featuring Ghostface from means art. Good Job you Wu-Tang. Fun Stuff guys! tool.)

Check it out! why is it that before I register send personals to all the classes I want are alunibutt@mad.scientist.com ready closed? I can’t even take a half decent course!

(See? The Staff i s just full o f love, how can you ...

This is a painting by Kandinsky. ... tell us what we’re doing is wrong, just take a nap and SATIRE IS A BEAUTIFUL you activists won’t be so THING, I MEAN SATIN IS cranky anymore. Cheers!) A BEAUTIFUL THING.

to my lovely, wonderful biology teacher, you all know who i’m talking about....i really don’t hope you have an allergic reaction and take a nice long sleep and go to dunkin donuts....maybe if you didnt yell at us every microsecond to shut up, we would have finished the damn unit...i hope you don’t eat the stick thats up your w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t nose and choke on it but defiTo that sexy hot Italian boy nitely not while having an allernamed Marco in my bio gic reaction.....good luck to class. Remember me? I talked everyone taking the bio exam to you after the exam, I 2nite,(especially to nick and want your luncheon meat in my my vietnamese skank) not that sandwich. While you tear luck is necessary, it’s ok we’re open my little bag of chipsI’ll all in love anyway sing Put it in my sandwich, (Wow, I wish I had such wonsandwich.... derful feelings towards my (Where’s your Sandwich? In teachers. Life is beautiful.) your lunchbox?)

YYYYYYYYYY i can print anything i want YYYYYYYYYY Anyone want to give me a job? I’m an art history major and I know MS Office, basic HTML, Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, and Pagemaker, can use most other computer software. I need a summer job in New Brunswick! Please help me! Contact me via The Medium Personals. =(

(It’s b e cause y o u don’t have a 1 0 0 credi t s , damn s e niors steal all the good ones.)

have you been losing sleep over procrastination? well, stop waiting till the last minute and write those papers, finish those labs or projects and get some damn sleep!

This is a toaster.

What do they have in common? Nothing, except that I put them there. No, it doesn’t seem to make any sense, so why don’t you come to Livingston Student Center tonight at Room 113 at 9 pm and make some sense of it.

Introducing the dumbest way to PASS TIME during class. Fill in the blanks.

One ________________ day I was ________________ through Voorhees Mall and all of a (adj.) (verb) sudden I saw (a/an) __________________ sight! I could barely believe my ____________! (adj.) (body part) It was (a/an) __________________ing __________________. Right here at Rutgers University! (verb) (noun) It was the highlight of my _________________. This was simply __________________!!! (day/wk/month/yr) (adj.)

Then I ___________________ into my __________________ friend. She/He said that this was (verb) (adj.) not new here at the school. _________________________ said that this ___________________ (name) (adj.) occurence has been going on for years and it is a tradition at the school. Now my

______________________ couldn’t stand it anymore! This is how I became mentally retarded. (body part)

beef. it’s what’s for dinner. better than SPAM. kittens are cute.

Don’t complain to me if you think this is the most idiotic version of “mad-libs” because it is not mad libs and I have a brain the size of a peanut. This is an invention I came up with. I find class extremely long and boring. After the Targum’s crossword and word-search puzzles are done (actually I’m not smart enough to do the crossword puzzles) you can turn to this! And if you are dyslexic like I am, then it will take you half the period to figure out what to fill out. Excuse me if it doesn’t make sense and isn’t funny. Just do it.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY?

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 Michele from bio lab is hot!!!

(Michele is, say it, “en

dare I fuego.”)

5’6 skinny, semi-cute male looking for woman to rob him of whatever is left of his self esteem in exchange for fun. reply via the personals To all those googly-eyed tour guides taking around starryeyed high school seniors for tours of Rutgers, at least tell the bright-eyed kids the truth about how cock-eyed this school is. They’re telling the blue-eyed kids and their even brown-eyed parents that all their classes will be on College Avenue and that Rutgers is an excellent institution of higher education, blah blah blah. The ayes have it! This school lacks vision and the reason why most of us are here is because our parents refused to mortgage their houses to send our asses to Princeton. All the rest who are honestly here lick e y e s and deserve to be.

(Aye aye, Cap’n.) eat more chemicals

(Do cigarettes count?)

(Stupid worthless ghastly response to my own response...

Read if you dare... How can they count? They don’t go to math class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

This is the orange ‘Tang kid from Hamilton Street...in response to the sponse from last week...You pizzazz me, but I don’t love you...Why don’t you let yourself be Andrew W.K. and say something to me next time you thrust me... don’t be gay gay and more gay, I don’t bite...if you can do sheep, we’ll see where it goes from there...

“Soap and water. Soap soap and water.”

to that fine necked italian birdy... dont get your leiderhosen in a twist if we didnt get the scarf-knitting done this weekend. we'll make different kinds of midgets, dwarfs, etc. next time 7’0 Croatian woman seeking Medium Opinions editor. I know who you are. I love who you are. I want to feel the 400 years of oppression in every pelvic thrust. Yours, Mardiangagnagagnagnaga. to religious people around campus: lighten the candle up, friend!

This one is for the master of balloon animals, John Plus.

I call you the master of balloon animals because of that time I accidentally saw you handing out perfect balloon doggies to amazed kids , even though I had my hands over my eyes. It was beautiful, the sight actually passed though both my gigantic nose and my burning case of syphilis. You are one tremendously talented young stud!

Attention All hot girls at Rutgers Wear Less.. if you're hot, flaunt it.. if not.. stay inside and eat m o r e (Why wasn’t this personal taken advantage of?

Frankly, I think I should have done something to it because I cannot seem to handle the sight of hot girls anymore.

They make me extremely nervous because I’ve come to realize that all girls are inherently evil. Even if you have a one-night-stand with some girl, they will eventually track you down and find a way to crush your soul.)

To that beatiful girl that I talk to on the internet. I can't wait until we actually meet in person. I've been going to the gym everyday and getting buff so we can do all those fun things we talk about online. I've downloaded lots of movies off of Direct Connect so we can relax in my room if you want to stay in. I just hope you look as hot as you say you are. I can't wait to meet you, and I hope you enjoy the personal i put in for you, bertha. to the lovely and talented features editor, you are lovely

To that (adjective) personals editor: If I had a dollar for everytime i wanted to (verb) you. I'd be (noun) .

I can't stop (verb ending in -ing) about the last time we (activity). I love (same activity as before). I can't wait to (verb), you're the (adjective) person I've ever met. I can't wait til the (season) so we can go to the (location in NJ) and (activity). and talented and your loveliness and talent is rivaled by (That’ll learn you.)

The New York Yankees have been in the last four World Series! They are perpetual cheaters and love the toilet seat down .

all other lovely and talented people at Rutgers. good luck with all the loveliness and talent in the future, you lovely and talented kind of guy.

(Poppycock!)

(You know what would look nice in this space right here? A personal. But since you folks don’t send any, i shall leave it blank in memoriam of the days when we would get flooded with personals.)

Personals Personals

RU has the worst cutest bus system in the world. It's positively arousing how it can take about an 8-minute hour to get a bus to the shithole of humanity, busses just love to drive by my albino pigeon.. i mean the SAC. Cloaca on the mind.. sorry about that.

Well.. I can't seem to mutilate myself as bad the busses were, but hopefully there can be more accidents so all the envelope licking idiots here can actually answer their jabronies when their “spesometimes I like to have eggs cial” personalized this makes in my fallopian tubes cuz no sense comes on. Dear they make me feel all good Tyler, deliver me c/o RU. and red and wonderful. (sac.) guy patrick - i can't belive what that loser wrote about you last week in the medium. I think you're a very funny guy, and i love your comic. Can you add me into your comic, I'm sure you could think of some funny situations we could be in.

I hope you're in the paper next year or i won't know what to do when it's time for comics in the targum.

(This personal only speaks the truth. For more convincing, see page 6.)

Do you really hate someone simply because they are different than you?

I know my list goes on for miles.

Offend that special someone or group at large by sending a personal to:

Unibutt@mad.scientist.com HULKAMANIA INVADES THE MEDIUM ONLINE PERSONALS AT WWW.THEMEDIUM.NET caellian vs. medium They may be scarier, hairier, and less underwearier, but we have the collective heart of a champion.

The kickball match of the century will decide it all.

What’s Shakin’

“Peanut Butter Reese Cup...”

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Somethin’ funky goin on Downtown...aka NYC Shit Wed 4/17 Unwritten Law WWF Café Wed 4/17 K-Floor Bitter End Wed 4/17 Amy Correia Bottom Line Thu 4/18 Rob Zombie Hammerstein Ballroom Thu 4/18 No Doubt Roseland Thu 4/18 Red Elvises Elbow Room Fri 4/19 Zero 7 Irving Plaza Fri 4/19 The Butchies Knitting Factory Fri 4/19 Janah Lion’s Den Sat 4/20 No Doubt Roseland Sat 4/20 Christopher Lawrence Boo Rave Sat 4/20 Bitchin’ Babes Bottom Line Sun 4/21 Flaw Irving Plaza Sun 4/21 Kittie Irving Plaza Mon 4/22 Reel Big Fish Irving Plaza Mon 4/22 Evil Beaver Meow Mix Mon 4/22 Habana Sax S.O.B.’S Tue 4/23 Paris Combo Makor Tue 4/23 Grey Cell Green The Continental Tue 4/23 Satoko Fujii Quartet Tonic

ON CAMPUS 4/17 Concert: Visionary Acoustic Soul LSC-CH 8pm 4/17 Karaoke Night 8-11pm, BrewHaHa’s, DCC 4/17 Film: Brazil RSC-GSL 8pm $1 4/19 Coffeehouse Red Lion Café 7pm 4/20 Springfest! Liv. Campus 4/20 Spring Carnival - Woodlawn, Douglass

Check Check...NEW JERSEY...

Thu 4/18 Hotwire Krome Fri 4/19 Barbuda Downtown Café Fri 4/19 Stone Temple Pilots Trump Marina Sat 4/20 Morbid Angel Birch Hill

PARTY!!!!!!

The LSU men are at it again!

This time, it’s on Thursday, 4/18, at Platinum, 13 Paterson St. In New Brunswick. 21 and over (Jesus, do I need a fake ID), doors open at 9, get there b4 1! Music by DJ Riz, Hip Hop, R&B, and Old Skool...can a sista get a holla from the Latino boys? How can WS be down?

SWEET LORD NO!!!!!

Stop Barbie from molesting my turles by sending your events to Xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com.

If you need counseling, come to a Medium Meeting tonight at 9pm, LSC room 113