04/10/02

NEWS

Old Man Entices Boy with Bag of Apple Juice. see LOCAL page R2

Rutgers Football Team Remains Unbeaten in 2002. see SPORTS page D2

Britney Spears: Mad as Hell and Not Going to Take It Anymore. see PEOPLE page C3

Out-of-Shape Grad Student Still Has Yet to Get Her FitCheck Card. see HEALTH page P0

VOLUME XXXIII, ISSUE 19

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2002

Area Man Just Needs Some Money For a Train Ride Home

Above: Rondell Winters just needs some change, man.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ Rondell Winters, a 42-yearold Perth Amboy-area maintenance worker, just needs some money for a train ride home, honest.

“I was out here driving a friend to the train station and my car broke down,” Winters told assorted Rutgers students walking between classes. “Can you give me a little change so I can catch a train or a bus home? I don’t need too much, please, man.”

“Some of these kids gotta have some change,” Winters said. “I don’t want to have to wait until my car’s fixed. That could be days, and I don’t even know how I’m gonna pay for that!”

Students, while feeling sympathy for Winters’ plight, are mostly not willing to help.

“I was walking down to Au Bon Pain and this guy comes up to me asking for money,” University College student Todd Helton said. “I didn’t give him any money. I mean, maybe he’s telling the truth, but he just seems like a panhandler. I don’t want to support that.”

“Aw, man!” said Winters. “That ain’t right, man. I just need to get home, honest!”

This marks the third time that Rondell has had car trouble around Rutgers University. “I don’t know what it is about this place, it must be bad luck or something,” he said.

Previously, his car, a 1983 Mercury Mercur, had trouble when it had a “greased shaft.” This problem took 3 weeks for the repairs to be completed. “I don’t need to wait around like that again. But the church does have good food.”

Rondell has not been entirely without luck, he said. “There are some kids here who’ll give you some change. I mean ,usually it’s just a few coins or so, which takes a while before I can afford a bottle, er, ticket. But some of the kids will give ya a dollar or more. That’s really cool.”

Above: Michael Jackson (right) with longtime fan Jay-Z

Michael Jackson Still Not Famous RIAA Execs Wring Hands in Frustration NEVERLAND RANCH, CA - An advertising blitz, concert extravaganzas, cameo appearances and a breakfast cereal proved ineffective in restoring Michael Jackson's status as the "King of Pop" as of Tuesday, 2:16 AM. Despite nearly round-the-clock coverage on VH-1, Jackson was unable to shirk his reputation as a child molester and ghoulish plastic-surgery produced monster.

Undaunted, music bigwigs promise to continue pumping his barely-glowing star in hopes that they can make another 5 dollars from someone's Altzheimer's disease-affected grandma, who might be convinced that Jackson is still cool.

RU Hillel Blockades President Lawrence in Home

Obscure RU “He must return our Student Newspaper Attempts ancestral meeting place!”

Humor Through PISCATAWAY - Rutgers President Lawrence remains blockaded Obvious Parody; Francis in the Presidental Residence by Rutgers No one gets the Hillel.

“We will continue this operation until our joke.

ancestral meeting place is returned to us,” said a spokesman for RU Hillel. “We will THE MEDIUM not abide this abomination any longer!”

The Entertainment Weekly of The Presidential Residence, sitting high Rutgers University on a hill overlooking the Piscataway valwww.themedium.net ley, was once the meeting place and offices of Rutgers Hillel. However, it was “What, did you think we could taken over by the President’s Office do a decent STATshot?" see THIS PAPER page IG-88

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE

Above: The Presidential Residence. Inset: President Lawrence, in happier times in recent years following the fire that burned down the former Presidential Residence, which also served to house the Women’s Crisis Center.

President Lawrence, effectively in detention, huddled with a few solemn-looking aides in a darkened room, his face illuminated by a flashlight. Water and electricity in his office were out and food supplies were low, said Adam Shapiro, an American volunteer

medic.

“We must remember that President Lawrence is not sitting in a monastery. He is surrounded by the armed Presidential Guard,” replied Hillel spokesmen in response to criticism.

In his most recent public statement on the matter, President Lawrence reiterated his stance: “I’ll be gull-durned if I’m comin’ outta here! This is MY CRIB!!!”

EDITORIALS

“You guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off”

Palestinians- Yeah they’re oppressed, and yeah they’re being unfairly sterotyped, and yeah the Israelis are wrong in what they are doing, very wrong. But here’s my personal take on the situation; Palestinian girls are HOT. A hell of a lot better looking that those Hillel, girls I’ll tell you what.

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

Role Playing Games- I like them, I’ll admit it. But why is it so hard to find girls who do? I guess it’s because most gamers are social retards. Glad I’m not. I have the luxury of being able to game AND have sex with women.

Women Drivers - I have a proposal. When women turn 18 they are given a choice; They can either have the right to vote, or the right to drive. One or the other.

Improv Comedy - A noble idea, very often badly executed. It’s hard enough to do comedy rehearsed, much harder to do comedy on the fly.

Treat Improv Comedy like doctors...research them very carefully before you go to one.

Buses- The best reason for walking, an even better reason for getting your own car. The worst mode of transportation ever devised. There’s a reason why the phrase is “driving a Bus to hell.”

Sororities - Why are the only good looking girls in ethnic sororities? For instance, those Lambda girls; I have yet to see a Lambda hermana who wasn’t gorgeous. The, ahem,caucasian sororities are mostly just skanky ho’s.

Boobs - Not too much to say. Love them, love them, LOOOOVE THEM!

POP UP EDITORIALS

Israelis - Ok,you guys really need to calm the fuck down and read a history book.

A bunch of tiny editorials by a man with a huge brain. by John W.Minus

Wrestling - I like Wrestling and I am not an idiot. The next person who looks at me like I’m an idiot when I mention I watch wrestling, will find out what I learned from wrestling.

Airports - If there is a Hell, this must be how it smells. God I hate airports...never has a more miserable building existed on Earth.

What do you think?

Ask a...

STATshot Infographic

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Troy Crowder

Smoove B Point/ CounterPoint What’s Shakin’

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

Female Comedians- Ok, PMS isn’t funny to anyone. Neither is shopping, or gynecologists,or complaining endlessly about things the rest of us (i.e.men) handle with nary a complaint.

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors

Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian DeLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John Q. Minus

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.

“ Don’t Panic”

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

OPINIONS OPINIONS

THE HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO THE MEDIUM ENTER SUBJECT: MEDIUM The Medium is the weekly humor magazine of Rutgers University. We use the term “humor” loosely because much of what is contained in the Medium is funny only to the people who write it. Although much of what is written inside is vulgar, juvenile, and completely inane, it is and has been the most widely read newspaper at Rutgers University.

ENTER SUBJECT: EDITORIALS The first page of the Medium is the Editorials section where an angry black man and insipid white man take turns making a mockery of all that decent people hold just. Since most of the University’s residents despise decent people, the Explicit Negro and Editor in Chief X are wildly popular. Despite his popularity, the Editorials/Opinions editor never receives any respect from his colleaugues. The randomly violent Editor takes solace in the fact that he could rend asunder any of his colleagues at the drop of a hat.

ENTER SUBJECT: OPINIONS Opinions are like assholes; everyone has them. The Medium, also being like an asshole, has an Opinions page where the people of Rutgers can voice their opinions on any subject. Unfortunantely, because the people of Rutgers only read and write at the 7th grade level, the articles are mostly gibberish. But even gibberish can be insightful at times.

ENTER SUBJECT: NEWS Often discounted as being nothing more than a cheap rip-off of the Onion, the News section reports faithfully events that may or may not have actually happened. Usually funny, but sometimes just violently disgusting, the News section attracts the intellectuals among the Medium readership, sometimes up to 8 out of 50,000 people.

ENTER SUBJECT: GMG This page is dedicated to that prince among men; Scholar, Warrior, Demigod, Philosopher, Garrett Montgomery Glick. Some say GMG is a legend, but some say they knew him. Here is a first hand account from a man claiming to have been GMG’s friend. “He was 10 feet tall if he was an inch. A shock of hair, Brown as the Raritan River. When he would talk, lightening would fly from his eyes and strike down the unworthy. Aye, he was truly the greatest man to walk the planet.”

ENTER SUBJECT: FEATURES This page is pretty much the Prime Time slot in the Medium. This is where the best writers around get to show their stuff. Unfortunately that rarely happens. The beleaguered and much maligned Features Editor often has to read some of the worst written passages ever devised by “sentient” beings. The requirements for a Features editor are thus; 1. A stomach of Iron, 2. Nerves of Steel and, 3. The willpower to not hunt down and kill those who so richly deserve it.

ENTER SUBJECT: ARTS Harmless. Arts is the high cultural conscience of the Medium. In theory it should elevate the cultural value of the Medium as a whole. It is a place for the exploration of all valid expressions of the Artistic Impulse. Mostly though, it is a venue for the exploration of pornography in it’s myriad forms. Written, visual, movies, DVD’s, any type of medium where one being puts it too another (and the requirements for a being identified as a being are as broad as can be imagined).

Arts can also take the form of Body Mods, fiction, poetry, anything. The only requirement is that it take up space.

ENTER SUBJECT: PERSONALS Personals is something of an enigma. It should be exactly what it sounds like a place where people can put ads to meet each other. What it is is the biggest cesspool of hatred, venom, loathing, insults, bigotry, racism, sexism, ageism, fatism and plagiarism that you have ever had the misfortune of coming across. It is because of this fact that Personals is the most popular section of the paper. Even though much of what is written barely passes for human language, it does hold something of a hypnotic sway over the reader. Respectable psychologists postulate that we all like to read about people who are fatter, dumber, and bigger sluts than we are. Those same respectable psychologists often write personals about what dirty, disease-ridden whores physicists are.

ENTER SUBJECT: WHAT’S SHAKIN’ Mostly harmless.

ENTER SUBJECT: RANDOM BITCHING DEPARTMENT SAMPLE ARTICLE

Random Bitching Dept Since, things have gotten a little worrying in the outside world lately, let’s get back to something a little close to home. Of course I mean bitching about Rutgers. In particular, I’m bitching about the CAC Computer Lab, which one would think is the flagship lab for the campus.

This year, they replaced half of the computers on campus to those pretty new black Dells, which supposedly work faster than the regular

all times? Why do they look like shit? I mean I can creamy colored ones they had before. I say supposedly, since after they “upgraded” to the new understand that the lab probably circulates a tens version of Windows, EVERYTHING TAKES FIVE of thousands of users a day, but isn’t that all the FUCKING HOURS TO DO! Also, if you do have the more reason to have decent places to sit while you patience to wait for your task to be completed (like work? These chairs have been the same since I transferred here two years ago, and they were old waiting for a document to print), you’ll find that many things that you’re used to don’t work correctlythen.I know this isn’t funny, but that’s the point: I under the new Windows. Can anyone tell me why couldn’t bring myself to make jokes about it.Oh and for the editor who probably made cracks about even the goddamn CD player has problems?

But I’d trade it all, I mean all for some new me the whole way through, eat me.

(Well, there is that cool Asian Chick who chairs. Jesus Fucking Christ, why are the chairs all continuously saves our asses when the computer from 1957? Why are all the pneumatic lifts broken? tries to eat our pages. She’s the only good thing Why do I have to sit three inches off the ground at about CAC. - Ops/Ed.)

“If you were a turkey, you’d have breadcrumbs in your vagina.”

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

By Sushma Trivedi

Students Fear Inability to Believe Everything They Read

If you’re a college student The sneaky thing about drugs growing up these days, is how they make you feel sooner or later, someone’s like everything’s okay when going to offer you drugs. it’s not. Drugs alter the way “Go ahead, try some of you perceive things. They these,” they’ll say. change the way you behave “They’ll make you feel and cause you to lose congreat.

Come on, Drugs are bad, I don’t trol of yourself. Who wants everybody’s doing it. do drugs. Don’t be that? I don’t know about you, Don’t you want to be like my friend, be like but I like being in control of cool?” It seems like every- me Chuck Sheen and my actions. That’s why, where you go on campus, have your limit be whenever I feel tempted to someone’s smoking up just hookers and booze. wander down the wrong to make it through class. road, I pour myself a nice, Who needs that kind of dependence on stiff drink, thanking my lucky stars that drugs? People have told me all these I’ve got alcohol, my personal anti-drug. things and plenty more about how drugs Why would anyone in their right mind will make me happy and successful, but want to get “stoned” or “fried”? I’d I just tell them to buzz off. I tell them I rather spend my time engaged in more don’t need drugs to get high or be cool: I constructive activities, like “wetting my can do it with alcohol, my anti-drug. whistle,” “liquoring up,” or “filling myThe pushers who hang around the ins self with liquid courage.” You know, and outs of George Street are always positive things. With alcohol, the glass going on about the amazing high you get is always half full. (When it isn’t comfrom drugs. But I don’t see how it can pletely full, that is.) compare to the pure, natural, 100 perNow, maybe you don’t care for alcocent legal high I get from drinking alcohol. That’s okay. What’s not okay, hol. Who needs the artificial escape though, is getting hooked on an addicdrugs provide when a good, stiff belt of tive, controlled substance like pot, coJim Beam or José Cuervo can put your caine, or heroin. Find a healthy substihead in the clouds while keeping your tute, something you can get really into, feet firmly planted on the ground?

COOL something that can be your anti-drug.

Sure, at first, drugs may make you feel It could be anything: Learn to play pretty good. But it’s not real. Before long, blackjack or the ponies. Explore klepyou’re using more and more, even as tomania. Have sex with an endless payou’re feeling worse and worse. Then, rade of random strangers. Anything that other things will start going wrong for you, too: Your friends won’t seem to hang makes you feel good, as long as it isn’t around you anymore, and you’ll have drugs. new friends who only care about the It’s your life, and you have to learn to drugs. Your grades will start to slip. Your make your own choices. But choosing memory will go. And your health will drugs? That’s no choice at all.

Nothing beats the adrenaline rush that fade. All because of drugs.

Don’t take that risk: Find something comes from knowing you’re drug-free. healthy, like alcohol, to take the place of And, if you’re drug-free, you’re free, drugs in your life. So, the next time you period. I like that feeling, and I like my-

By Chris DeSarno, Staff Infection New Brunswick, NJ — To the disappointment of much of the student body currently on academic probation, it was revealed that editors of The Onion, a very popular online humor newspaper, would not show up to speak at Rutgers. As it turns out, the whole event was a wellexecuted hoax on the part of The Medium, the entertainment weekly of something or other.

The Medium, a filthy pornography-ridden fuck-towel which pales in comparison to the glory that is The Onion, has had a long tradition of using its power of the press to pull pranks and media hoaxes on the student body. From fake concerts (such as “Hoobastank to Play Cook Campus Center”) to pranks of years past including announcing the death of famous Australian actor Yahoo Serious (who, as it turned out, died a year earlier unnoticed) it is clear that The Medium seems to has mastered the art of disinformation.

“The Onion prank was executed perfectly.” Said Medium editor Troy Crowder. “We even hung up posters and paid the Targum to print an ad for it as an RCPC event. What bothers me is that people actually still believe things they read in The Medium. What fucking idiots.”

“People read something and it stays with them long after they forgot the source of the information,” said Medium amateur psychologist Michael Ryan. “Later on they think ‘Hey didn’t I read somewhere that it’s ticket-amnesty week at Parking and Transportation?’ Perhaps then they’ll tell a friend and before long the Medium Rumor Mill is in full effect!”

“Those guys have got to be stopped. They’re causing an unnatural doubt to surface in Rutgers students about things written on newspaper.” Said Derek Jackoffsonstein, a freshman who was fooled last semester into thinking you could get high by putting your lips on a dog’s anus and inhaling deeply due to something he read in The Medium. “Man, I tried ‘doggin it’ like the article said for about a half an hour before that dog ran away and I came down with a nasty lung infection.”

“Man this article sucks ass,” said Chris DeSarno, the author of this article. “I had a really good article last week about a guy going back in time and accidentally molesting himself. Remember that? That one would have impressed The Onion guys that aren’t showing up. God damn it, they would have hired me on the spot. Please, Onion people.

Whisk me away from this life. Hire me. I’ll get your coffee, anything.

ANYTHING!” DeSarno then made a gesture to indicate that blowjobs weren’t out of the question. He then left the room to masturbate and cry.

feel the urge to smoke some marijuana, try reaching for a big bottle of Bacardi instead.

Send your news articles and police blotters to:

self. I’m high on life, because I’m high on alcohol, my anti-drug.

Women can get that fetus removed during lunch break...

By Brian Benson (The Hub City)_ Society’s insistance on “1 hour express” service has officially spread to pregnancy termination. Quick Co. Inc. will soon open a new 1 hour abortion clinic on Easton Ave. The clinic will offer a safe, fast and cheap abortion for Rutgers women and middlesex counties unwed, knocked up crack whores alike.

The introductory offer, called “The Scarlet Scrape” will cost $200 and can be performed up untill the ninth month of pregnancy. For an extra $10 patients can keep smaller fetuses, which will be contained in a jar marked “#1 KID” or “My Mom went to Quick Co. abortions and all I got was this jar” Not all locals are welcoming Quick Co.’s 1 hour friendly abortion service. Sadey

She got the “Scarlet Scrape” for lunch, and took a “doggie bag” home for dinner!

Rogers, who has performed $20 abortions behind the C-Town on George St. for years hates the new competion. “They can’t move in on my baby ripping turf! I just bought a new wet dry vacuum and a 50 pack of metal hangers!”

Local Christian organizations also threatened to protest the site of the new clinic and even possibly to shoot the “discount” abortion doctors, mostly UMDNJ first year drop outs and fromer Happy’s Health Grill delivery drivers. The church’s leaders pulled back the protest threat when the clinic agreed to use gauze pads with “What Would Jesus Do?” printed on them to cover patient’s raw, irritated genital orfices. The clinics owners have also promised to, “put the heart back into pulling out the heart and lungs of a developing fetus”

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

“Make your own fucking quote.”

COLLEGE OF ENGINEERING AND SCHOOL OF PHARMACY DISCONTINUE ACCEPTANCE OF ASIANS

BY Carol Hu Rutgers University, Busch Campus—You have seen it. I have seen it. That’s right. Busch campus is beginning to or has been, a close resemblance to the overpopulated country, China.

Last Monday, colleges within Rutgers University got together in a meeting to address this long overdue situation. It seems that the vote was unanimous in Make sure to keep the decision to refuse Asian applicants for the pharthose fucking asians off macy and engineering schools of Rutgers University. my porch too.

“Many White Anglo-Saxon applicants complain to us that we hardly consider them as serious applicants for these schools. When we see a prospective Asian student applying, we always choose them rather than the white ones,” comments Professor Pu, of the College of Engineering. “We basically laugh because it seems highly unlikely that a white man’s brain can surpass any Asian brain, even if they are mentally handicapped or English majors.”

As a result, Rutgers College has agreed to accept more Asians into the liberal arts majors. “This idea seems plausible enough, but as a Philosophy professor I must say leave the Indians to building their bridges and the Asians to their pharmaceuticals. They are good at it and my students are good at being quite imaginative with their assignments,” comments Professor Quibble of RC. The decision of denying Asians to the two schools will begin as of fall 2002. Rutgers University will not be accepting any appeals pertaining to this subject. The new president, William C. Dowling also informs students not to arrange protests, he firmly states that “the matter will not be further discussed.”

We asked students for their opinions on the subject.

Mason Gross School of the Arts 17% feels that this institution is unfair and unjust.

15% said that they have learned nothing.

14% wish Mason Gross had glass blowing.

11% said Mason Gross teaches conformity.

10% could not be interrupted because they were preparing for their nude performances or modeling.

10% were trying to interpret the situation through a painting.

9% were acting out the scene, which was very emotional, yet painful and also firm.

9% don’t care.

5% REALLY don’t care.

Rutgers College Students 98% HATE the idea.

1% feels that the world should be happy and feels no hate towards “the aliens.”

1% we could not locate

Douglass/Cook Students 99% wish they were anywhere but there, but on the topic… comment that it does not pertain to them.

1% Charlotte Kates, of the Caellian informs us of a protest at Douglass Student Center today at 2 pm.

Is this guy cooler than you too? Come to a Medium Meeting and cry with me. Tonight and every wednesday at 9:00PM in room 113 at the Livingston Student center

By: Stanley Watts New Brunswick, NJ – Creator/artist Guy Patrick, was amazed when his comic strip, Mattia, a local college comic, was purchased yesterday for an undisclosed amount.

Students are ecstatic for Patrick, who always had a goal to write for a bigger, more widely circulated paper.

A student at the college who identified himself as Ritch B. said, “I always knew Mattia would move on to greener pastures. I knew something was up when Guy was suddenly able to use computerized text. I figured the money came from prostitution, but I guess those corporate fuckers got him.”

A representative from the national paper first saw the comic when he was down at the school, getting lunch from the college’s lunch trucks. Drew Stone, the representative, said, “I was sitting down eating and I saw the school’s paper, the Tarscum or something like that. When I saw the comics, I read them and Mattia really made me laugh.” Stone paused, to take a bite of an apple.

“Because it was so horrible.”

When asked about his thoughts on the purchase the creator commented, “I never dreamed I’d get anywhere with this strip. It all started off as something to do after I’d finish masturbating when I saw this hot girl with a yellow backpack outside of my dorm. She came by a lot. I wished she lived on my floor here.” A few minutes later Guy abruptly left saying “It’s almost the time when she comes by, err … I mean, I need to get tomorrow’s comic done!”

After contacting the national paper’s Editor-in-Chief and asking why the comic was purchased, the editor, James Wills, replied, “I graduated from the University back in 1973 and when Drew told me about the comic, I felt I had to do something so the students wouldn’t have to read that horrible, horrible comic strip ever again. I plan on owning the rights to the comic and never letting it run again because Guy Patrick is a dirty vagina, and ‘Mattia’ is the douche the released his vagina funk on the rest of the world.”

What is I’m late.... it roomie?

Gee...

School of Pharmacy 50% said Organic Chem is a bitch and don’t take it, unfortunately it’s a major requirement.

50% said they are damn pissed because this is what their families have been doing for generations.

Livingston College 48% think it’s for a good cause and because of it; they should get better food than what’s at Tillet.

30% didn’t understand the question.

22% said, “whas dis got tado wit me, yo? Get yo face outta mah face by da time I count ta three.”

College of Engineering 47.33% did not understand English.

32.41% feels like curry chicken for dinner.

11.04% ran away from us.

9.21% smiled and nodded.

0.01% says it is a wonderful idea, everyday is a wonderful day, and thanks God for these wonderful gifts.

Oh You said no! you pulled out.

You Well my ass feel too is bleeding. good.

Mattia

POLICE BLOTTER • 16 men were arrested last night when the FDA raided the “grease trucks”. Apparently the Fat Daryl sandwich was filled with fat liposuctioned out of a beefy freshman named Jim..not Daryl.

• Two university students were caught having sex in a bathroom in ARC. The two second year males were detained last Tuesday and are refusing to leave the prison.

• Some asshole stole the creative writing courses from the English dept.... police are currently masturbating.

-Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by Johny T)

GMG GMG

“If you’re in an accident, and need help, dial 1-800-LAWYER.”

Does Every Girl You Know Just Want to Be Friends?

Is The Ratio of How Many Female Friends You Have to the Number of Times You've Gotten Ass Seem Like 1,000,000 / 1?

Here's Why:

Giant Lobsters Attack City Police Force Helpless Against Crustacean Threat

By Martin Babitz, Features ed.

The Girl "Friend" Complex

NEW BRUNSWICK-- Terror was given a new name yesterday, when 4 radioactive lobsters attacked a passenger train bound for Trenton. The attack left 30 dead, and 57 injured, as the creatures used their claws to split open the cars at the joints, and to pick out the juicy passengers within.

by Girl on her Back

If you're having problems finding women who'll do you but have more chick friends then a gay man, more likely than not its because your chill factor greatly exceeds your sex factor. Its really quite simple. Say you meet a babe and she seems really into you. You guys have a lot in common, hang out a lot and just have a grand ol' time together. You're thinking "hot diggity dog! I gots me a keeper!" so you try putting the moves on her. Then out of nowhere the chick who was practically in your lap five minutes ago turns frigid and gives you the "I just wanna be friends speech." Of course the second thing that pops into your head (right after "THAT FUCKIN' BITCH ASS DYKE CUNT OF A WHORE!!!") is gunna be "nice guys never get the girl." Which I personally am so fuckin' tired of hearing 'cause it’s incorrect and always leads to some nice guy acting like a fucking asshole 'cause he think that girl's are only attracted to dicks, that"treating a woman like shit is essential to a good relationship" and that the V.A.G.I.N.A. club is the way to go. Wake up shit heads, 'cause the reason you're getting earfuls of information on how some other guy fucked the pussy you had your heart on is because you're just not attractive enough. Don't get me wrong, you might be a really good looking guy, just not good looking enough for the lady you're after. Which means though she'd be willing to fuck you, she's probably only willing to do it once, and since you're just so awesome to hang out with, she'd rather hang out with you all the time than give you that one great fuck and then feel weird around you 'cause (of course) you're gunna wanna do it again.

The Medium’s nothin’ if not a big ol’ family. Do you want to be part of our family? Come to a meeting and remember why you left home for college!

LSC-113 at 9 PM Wednesdays

A Coastal and Marine Sciences employee tempts fate

Apparently the result of whatever Cook Campus has been doing for the last 10 years, the “Huge Fuckin’ Lobsters,” as they’ve been dubbed by police and citizens alike, have led a largely effortless massacre of New Brunswick residents from Somerset to Louis St. University

Professor Carl Carlson described his confrontation with the monsters, “I was just finished teaching my Intro to Psychology class in Scott Hall, and we were discussing the nature of “the other” according to Lacan. Some of the students said it was a manifestation of Oedipal guilt, or a mental tool for self-reference.

I’ll tell you, when I walked out to my car and saw that gigantic fucking lobster tearing the chubby guy out of that one grease truck, that question was answered without a doubt. “The other,” is now and will always be a 50-foot tall lobster with laser-beam eyes and a thirst for human blood.”

A witness at the scene described it as “the worst thing I’ve seen since the zombies took over the ghetto,” of course referencing the as-yet unchecked multiplication of the flesh-eating undead last year. The zombies are not expected to pose a threat to the giant lobster menace, since they still have yet to exhaust their rich supply of tasty, tasty homeless.

Yet another

A potential attack on the “Huge Fuckin’ Lobsters” was de- example of flected earlier today when a number of activist groups pro- tragic hubris. tested the destruction of the four “misunderstood” monsters, claiming they were “endangered,” and that the advancing military planes presented a threat to their natural grazing land. Those protesters were immediately eaten.

Submit articles to:mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu or I w ill harm you.

Every morning hundreds of decent looking guys on campus wake up, look in the mirror and ask themselves "Why is it that girls always wanna’ be my fuckin' friend?! I'm fuckin' hot! Yeah!" Well, chill back dumbass 'cause you ain't that hot and if you are, then you've got some serious game issues. To the rest of you guys that aren't bad looking but ain't exactly James Bond Material, here's why you're having so many chick problems: All male/female relationships are determined by two key components: the chill factor and the sex factor.

The chill factor: Obviously, how much a chick actually enjoys chillin' (non-sexually) with you.

The sex factor: How much and how often a chick wants to fuck you.

So don't blame the fuckin' bitch for not being all that attracted to your ugly ass. Next time try being less fun to hang out with and then maybe she'll just fuck you and then never speak to you again .

In Conclusion: If your Chill Factor > Sex Factor: You've now officially got a chick friend for life. Move onto your next target 'cause this one's already a lost cause.

If your Chill Factor <Sex Factor: You're in for a one to two-night stand, and in some rare cases you might even have a fuck buddy. This chick digs your bod and thinks you're one hot mofo, but talking to you for more than 20 minutes at a time most likely nauseates her.

If your Chill Factor = Sex Factor: This chick not only thinks you could be her new best friend but she wants to fuck you on a regular basis for as long as possible. If you're looking for a girlfriend, this chick would be your most reliable source of head.

Wednesday, April -2, 2002

Unique to The Medium, Totally Our Idea Section:

Last week, Queen Elizabeth II, the nation’s longest living royal stunned the world by dying. What do you think?

Well, I assume at 101 she probably kicked while doin’ it. Doin’ it Phil Bubble, hardcore!

Sales Bubble

Jay-Z, Rapper, Lover, Friend

Hizzo the Izza! Queen crunkin the crunanny!

Word is bond that bitch , she could get down with the get down back in the day, no shizza. Holla! ...Oh, shit, I thought y’all was talking ‘ bout Queen Latifah. My bad.

Plagairism is a serious crime. The Queen knew this, and I’d think you boys’d know it too.

Billy, Attorney

Themodern Monarchy is unstable at best, so with the death of the Queen, and coming death of the pope, these are trying times Some Kid’s Drawing of an Ant for the Old Guard.

Suzanne, Beautiful Flower

What about the Koalas?! Fuckin’ Koalas! Koalas & Aliens, goddamnit! ::sigh:: ...God, I hate children of all races.

The Queen is only the first to fall from a failing system based on evil, technology, and evil technology. Also, she was pretty old. I think Ted, Systems that was the big reason.

Analyst

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

Features

The Medium ...now with more gray!

The World Ends Tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE! More Rockers Should Kill Themselves....

By Brian Benson It was eight years ago monday, April 8th 1994 grunge rock innovator, Generation X hero and raging heroin addict Kurt Cobain used his feet to pull the trigger of a shotgun and thrust himself into rock and roll martyrdom forever.

Cobains messy headshot sealed his place as an immortal popular culture icon, and guaranteed that Nirvana would never break up, suck ass or go "new metal", which is worse than sucking ass!

As a fan of both Nirvana and violent acts of suicide, I propose that more rock stars should follow in Kurt Cobain's bloddy, headless footprints and commit suicide themselves. What better way to sell records and secure a place in rock and roll history....

Aerosmith- This band, as a whole should commit suicide. Since the 1980's Aerosmith has sucked a lot of ass. If they killed themselves in some cool way, they would still suck but the disenchanted youth of America would respect them a lot more if they, for example set themselves on fire on stage. That would be Rock and Roll!!!!

Scott Stapp (Creed)- This religous fanatic moron should definetly make like his idol Jesus Christ and die. Jesus died for the worlds sins, Stapp should die to save us from the "Pearl Jam of Christian Rock"! I would even consider wearing a Creed t-shirt if it had a picture of Stapp crucifying himself, or feeding himself to wild dogs.

Mick Jagger- Unfortunately for this cockney cock sucker, he can't travel back in time and kill himself before he ruined his reputation! At like 75 years of age, Skeletor still tries to rock and roll like he is young and cool. Like an old man with Alzeihemers who continously shits and pisses himself, Jagger would be happier if he were dead.

(Notably absent from this list are: Jon Bon Jovi, Michael Jackson, Bret Michaels, Kid Rock, Fred Durst, any surviving member of The Strokes, P. Diddy, Blink 182,and any member of Motley Crue --ed.)

Sure suicide can be a bad thing, but I say look at it as an oppurtunity to better your career as a musician. If you really love your favorite band and want future generations to love and respect them, send them an e-mail suggesting they commit suicide as soon as possible. After the tearful funeral and celebrity tributes are over, you can rest assured your favorite band will never be lame, nver break up, and never, ever go new metal!

Hey You Christian Rock Fans!! Love Creed? Well then tell them to kill themselves!!! http://www.creed.com/fanzone/index.html... Youll be happy they did!

Thugged Out A tale of Ghetto Tragedy starring Captain Hetero

by John Minus

Johnny Loves Livingston, he has since the first time he ever went there.

See, Johnny grew up in a mostly white neighborhood, so he really didn’t have the chance to meet a lot of other black people. Then he visited Livingston, and it was like A Different World, with Whitley and Duane Wayne and all.

There where black people all over the place there, of all shades and status. It was like a black Utopia. But that was when he was a freshman…now he’s a senior, and Livingston is a much different place.

As he got off of the bus, he had to step over the homeless underclassmen that huddled near the student center for shelter from the rain. As he entered the Student Center, the smell of urban decay mixed with the faint ever-present aroma of a subway station. The Rock Café closed at 3 p.m.…before it got dark to lessen the chances of getting robbed. Johnny went to the information desk where a black girl with 5 in. long blue, black and purple nails addressed him coldly. “And what do you want?”

“Johnny wasn’t used to a girl addressing him in anything but an adoring tone. “Uhh yeah, I needed to know where the Towers Security Force Chief’s office is.” She looked up from her nail filing and gum-chewing look him over. Her attitude changed slightly when she saw how good-looking he was, but only slightly. “The TSF Office?

What you wanna go there for, them motherfuckas be poppin niggas left and right. I can’t stand them cracka bitches.” Yeah things had definitely changed. Race relations weren’t so bad before. “I need to send him a message from Lawrence. How are things in the Quadjects? Have the gang wars calmed down any?” The girl blew a big bubble and picked at her red weave with one of her nails. “Nah, them niggas still shoot pretty much anyone they see.

RUPD don’t even go in there anymore, they leave it to the TSF. Look baby, if you want my number all you have to do is ask, I’m here till midnight, but after that if you wanna chill…” Johnny was lost in thought and didn’t even hear her come-on. “Huh, oh yeah, thanks. He headed out the door, with sadness hanging heavily on his mind. “Well fuck you then…I would have rocked your world.”

(a Medium/subgenius-inspired rant by Chris DeSarno) I was about to write an article on the second-coming of Hulkamania but as I sat down at my computer I was struck by lightning. When I recovered this is what I had typed: BETTER THAN FIVE GRANMOTHERS! GIVE ME SLACK OR GIVE ME FOOD (OR KILL ME)! -- do all three, 'cause your bullets and dildos can't penetrate my chest.

I have the anti-holy face of Bob tattoed on my ass and boy, is he smiling! He had a pissing contest with the pope and he won - yet they remain good business partners. Yes, you too can rape your own mind. Stay secure in the knowledge that you and you alone deceive yourself. Beat them to the punch and pull the wool over your own eyes! Forget about remembering and slack off.

Yehawwww!@#$%^ qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq Praise Bob! "the sleep of reason begets monsters" you're dying from an information disease and you didn't even know you were sick ... 'cause the doctors are a part of the sickness. You think your TV only gets 42 channels ... but you haven't seen the other 13,013...most of which are pornographic!@%**&&^*&^* owowowowo! The best nations in the world are Do-Nation and Masturb-Nation!

Learn to think for yourself (he'll tell you how). The SATs measure "intelligence" but only BOB measures "good sense." Abracadabra. Contradict yourself and never contradict yourself.

Whores and priests will dance together to Two Princes during bar fights. Purple moons; Red clovers; but Pink Cars?! Where are all the pink cars? The instructions on a bottle of bubbles say, "To have fun, dip wand and blow or wave!" Have you been BLOWING or WAVING?! YOU'RE NOT WAVING ENOUGH!@# you can only "get off" on fear-and-laughter and the only thing worthy of being laughed at is the fact that nothing is funny anymore. Many have died for liberty but no one has ever died for slack.

YOU LIVE FOR SLACK. You can't find slack in politics ... 'cause slack has no political affiliation. Hell, slack isn't even a registered voter.

You just wash, rinse, and repeat until the end of civilization or the birth of a perfect barbarism (whichever comes first).xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx YEEHAW#!$%@#Y^$UYJhnvb I'm insured for acts of god AND satan 'cause they play for the same little league baseball team. I have two assholes and for some reason filthy excrement only comes out of my mouth. And, by god, it's holy shit!

How could this place have become such a burned out ghetto in only four years, he thought, it used to be so nice. Now there are crack whores and homeless students everywhere. Drug use and violence are rampant. Police brutality is an everyday occurrence. Livingston is worse than any ghetto of Newark and Camden, yet there are still good kids who go here, trying to graduate. Even the Psych. dept. in Tillett is armed. I shouldn’t have spent so much time away. I was too distracted with CA and Douglass. I should have been looking out for my own people instead of the drunken Frat Boys who eventually betrayed me . Johnny’s wallowing in self-pity was interrupted by the sounds of a dice game already in progress. Calief? “Ay yo Ca, what up!

In front of the library a group of black freshman were shooting craps with one guy who was definitely a senior.

“Johnny? Johnny bitch were the fuck have you been? The two old friends embraced like they hadn’t seen each other in years, which they had not.

“Johnny man it’s been a while. What the fuck’re you doin in the ghetto? You’re Mr. Big-Time

football star. When did you start slumming?” Johnny sat down on the steps and Calief joined him. The freshman, too intimidated to interject when men where talking, continued to play amongst themselves. “Man fuck you. I ain’t to good to come see my peoples. Even if it has been a while. I just got caught up in shit you know? This whole Captain Hetero shit is time consuming.” Calief lit up a fat blunt and took a pull from it. “Yeah I can imagine.

Some of them triflin niggas said you abandoned us. But I know that when you get up out the ghetto, you don’t come back for nobody. Shit, they wouldn’t come back for you.” Johnny’s heart felt like 40 pounds of ice. He HAD let his people down, and he now had to make up for it. “Ca, I’m gonna clean up this campus if it’s the last thing I do. I owe to you guys. Livingston has a disease, and I’m the cure”

mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

Germ warfare? No! It’s the bacteria in the EiC’s hair!(Actual Size) Come see it live, tonight at LSC 113, 9 PM

Kurt Cobain Suicide: Best Career Move Ever!

w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t

Two Jews On Porn Starring Jason “the neurotic narcissist” Herskovitz & Cody “the compulsive masochist” Burke

this film that’s been in my brain for the past couple of days. It was horrible, yet eerily catchy. The last thing I want to hear when I’m getting my que stick polished is 106.7 Lite FM, the best of the 70’s, 80’s, AND today!

J: Well, it’s a bit better than this shit you’re forcing me to listen to now, smooooth jazz CD 101.9. Cody, only my dad and the other 40 somethings at the block party listen to such acoustic chloroform.

Hiya kids! Travel back in time with us as we review a “classic” - Deep Throat. A film where the only thing larger than the perms, and the actors’ libidos, were the land yachts, for Christ sakes Cody I was expecting Linda Lovelace to anchor down that Buick after she pulled it into the driveway.

C: More cheap shots at my music, Feh! If it wasn’t 3 in the morning and we had written this when we had planned to I wouldn’t have to listen to the “Smooth Sounds.” Now folks, Jay insisted on abandoning our article so he could go to the mall with three freshmen females this afternoon. So don’t start bitching at me Cody: W ell,Linda certainly downed a number of Don Juan. other things, including H arry Reem s’ monstrous schlong. M r.Reems a.k.a. Dr. Young is a profes- J: As if there were a choice you cock smoker, hmmm...let me see, sit in your smelly den of lechery sionalinhisfieldwouldn't you say Jay? with you, share a half broken keyboard, and listen to Jason: W hichI'm guessingisanoccupationthatonly the neighboring gangsta rap, or go shopping with cute involves receiving sloppy knob shines, anyway this girls? Yeah, what a fucking dilemma! “doctor”withapirate’stelescope,(asurprisinglycommon gynecologicaltool),discoversthatLinda’scli- C: Hey, there’s more for your life at Sears ... but no toris is lodged in back of her throat, where else?! 2 Pac. Let’s take a look around your room there And for her to have heaving orgasms,anintensive Bubbula. (his mother actually calls him that.) There’s priorityinherlife,shemust continually gag herself the Power Horn 3000, a 120 decibel megaphone. onthemeatpipesofcountlessBurt Reynoldsimper- Now, if you’ve never met Jay before he carries around sonators. Cody, this wasn't even mildly arousing this attention getting device wherever he travels. A ‘cause I just kept picturing her puking all over his sign of insecurity? perhaps. But more importantly a great way to wake everyone's asses up on a Tuesday sasquatch crotch. morning.

C:Arousing?No.Amusing?Highly! Theaardvark lookonLinda’sfacewasprecious. Sowasthestock J: Yeah, morning to you Nosferatu, folks, kids are footageofchurchbellsandfireworks whileshewas home from grade school by the time this schlub arises, and that's on one of his more productive days. having her asphyxial orgasm.

J: Yeah, ‘cause when ever I happen to see The C: Still, no excuse for your bullhorn you putz. Let’s VaticanIinstantlypictureaguyblowinghisload. take the time you yelled at Dean Jones, “What were you thinking when you dressed yourself this mornC:You’ve been watchingtheCatholicchannelat4 ing? Did you get that shirt from Chess King?” inthemorn again haven't you?

J: Hey, someone’s gotta let this guy know of the J: W ell,umm...yeah. blinding power of his orange striped button-down, and I've got the resources to do so. I’m just trying to C: Iguessthat’sbetterthanthecarnivalmusicfrom help, Cody.

Medium Meeting!!

Wednesday nights at 9 Livingston Student Center, Room 113

Writer’s note: If you swallowed any of this tripe, you deserve to be anally raped by every one of the Baha Men.

The new release lacks the original vigor that “Dogs” provided but makes up for it with the catchy lyrics and beats. I was surprised to find out that the Baha Men also covered the classic song “Coconut” (originally by Harry Nilsson). “You put the lime in the coconut/ and you drink it all up.” I first thought it was risqué for the Men to cover any prestigious song, or any song at all, but their new version pumps vivacity back into the classic. The release already has jumped into critics’ top 10 CDs of 2002, including my own. If you are the type of person who buys few CDs yearly, you can’t miss “Move It Like This.”

Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

Believe it or not, the Baha Men are back and without a doubt, they’re here to stay! The Bahama-based band returns with the follow-up to their multi-platinum, Grammy-winning CD, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” The album, “Move It Like This,” released the title track as its first single. The Baha Men’s hopes are once again high; they aspire to receive the same celebratory and well-deserved praise “Who Let the Dogs Out?” received. “Who Let the Dogs Out?” made a name for the Baha Men as a world-renowned song spun at clubs and still played at various sporting events. Nothing short of a nuclear winter is going to stop them from doing it all over again.

by Michael Stanley

Baha Men Bounce Back with New CD

These dawgs are all up in yo’ face (and they’ve got the fish-eye closeups to prove it)

tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com

idon’tneedtobesubtletoleaveyoubefuddled/cuzyou’retoolazytowritearebuttal

Arts

C: You giving advice on fashion?? I think you singlehandedly keep the rayon industry afloat. And what in God’s name is hidden away in those cargo pants?

How do you order these things? “Hi... yeah, I’m looking for some gear specially designed for fat legged plumbers.” Then there’s the footwear, the high-rise shoes on loan from William Shatner, I guess he doesn’t have a need for them now that Star Trek is over.

J: Yeah, leave it to you Beaver for keeping a line on the cutting edge of the clothing industry. Looking at those black Reeboks it's easy to see that you’ll soon be gracing the runway in your 5th grader husky gear.

“And here comes Cody, ready for the playground in his horizontal striped polo, form fitting navy Wranglers, and the latest in Payless footwear. Run along you scamp!”

C: Husky? Ya dick. You want to talk about physical attributes, let’s venture on to that mop on your head.

I think I need to call NJPIRG. “That hole in the ozone layer? Yeah, I’ve got a pretty good idea who’s causing it.” I think the Malibu Beach Ken dolls have more malleable hair then yours.

J: So it’s come to that has it? Hey, my hair may be able to deflect falling debris, but at least it gets washed everyday. Chicks just can’t get enough of guys with matted, disheveled locks.

C: Disheveled? Ok, the hair may not always be in order but at least I don’t spend an hour staring into the mirror. You know girls really love guys who spend more time in the bathroom than they do.

J: Oh, yeah, you’re right Cody, but the girls that don’t go for good looks have a penchant for obsessive gamblers and internet porn subscribers, so I’ll leave them to you.

C: So I have a few vices Mr. Straight Edge. Anyway, weren’t we supposed to be reviewing a porn here?

J: HA, HA, HA! Broke down, eh Cody?

C: Nah, the next step was discussing your past relationships, and I didn’t think we wanted to go there.

J: WELL, it’s time to light the menorahs everyone!

C: Thanks for playing the ridicule game Jason, sorry you didn’t win, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you, including “2 Jews on Porn,” the home game!; and a year’s supply of Ginsana.

J: Oh man, I knew I should of picked Jim J. Bullock for the block!

C: No car for you, but we do have a rating. Survey Says?, * 3 candles * Shalom!

Be sure to visit www.2jewsonporn.com

Solution on bottom page.

Pattycake I want you so badly.

You light up my days and make my nights hot. You are an incredible lover and you make a great cup of coffee. Between the sex and the coffee you serve up a good helping. Everyone should go to the sac and try a delicious slice of patty To that crazy sexy cool cat that cake. MMMMM..........Your lives on Hamilton who wears greatest fan, The Awful Waffle lots of orange...you know who you are...I just can't help it If I don't get some Pocky right when I see you; I get the urge now, I swear to God I'll shoot to tear off all of your clothes every motherfucker I see. I'm and jump on top of you. Ha ha. serious. I'll hijack a Drunk Bus No, actually I just think about and shoot one passenger an how sweet it would be to kiss hour till I get my sweet, deliyou, but I know that won't ever cious Pocky. happen...sigh...I was just wondering if you were with anyone the Review knows we're better than them and it eats them right now, because if you're not I'm definitely willing to give you up inside. So does the Gren a chance. Feel free to respond Print. Their jealousy knows no with your thoughts. Until then bounds. The Caelian think cutie, I'll be thinking about they're better than us, but they're just girls, what do they you... know?

the side. Wish I had a good deal like that.)

Dearest Rich, Thank you for writing me that oh-so-passionate personal last week. I am so upset that I did not think to thank you first for our silent rendezvouses. Honestly, I think you and I should spend more time together. Maybe this weekend I can sleepover, and we can see how much sex really goes on.

I want to have lots of anal man sex in the CheeziMobile.

LJX here: if I could find a date off DC then you can too. And if you can't, well, you really suck. I gotta run now, I have some anal cavities I need to ravage.

(I’m glad you’re pathetic enough to find a date through Direct Connect, but (Wow. The picture below the anal ravaging is defishould explain what I’m most nitely the damn straight comfortale with. Hope it truth.) helps.) ..) bitches ain’t shit

W PIC HY TU DO RE ES EX TH IST IS ?

dear gene, i cannot hold my true feelings in any longer. i am madly in love with you and cant stand to see you fondeling the breasts of another girl. i would swim the deepest ocean for a mere kiss from those sweet suculant lips of yours. I would kill my own flesh and blood for a few trusts from your masculine pelvis. my life is worthless without you in it. that other nite when my hand was held tight in the palm of yours, i thought i was in heaven and wished i could stay in that moment forHow can you arrange the tiles so the resulting design has the ever. i sensed that you too felt least perimeter? How can you make a figure that has the great- a feeling of lust rushed towards est possible perimeter? every tip of your body Clues: (wow seems like you’ve re1.Get or make 20 squares and try a few designs. ally got it bad for Gene. He’s 2.The more times you can share sides of tiles, the lesser the a lucky man... fondling other perimeter will be. breasts and having a lover on It’s Time for a Brain Teaser!

You need to make a design with 20 sqaure tiles that are unit squares.

The rules are: 1. The tiles in the design must be connected, either side-to-side or at the corners. You cannot have two or more separate parts.

2.You cannot stack tiles on top of each other.

3.The perimeter must be in whole units. You may not line up any tiles like this:

to that fat black girl in my philosophy class, thank fucking god you stopped coming to class as much, i had forgotten about you, but you had to show up again! i wish you would have stopped coming all together, sparing the rest of us.

Personals

The Daily Targum

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

To the blond haired brower red-shirt who has the blond haired girlfriend with the great body and big nose. I was just mentally fucking your girlfriend, boy my dick is sore. You know what the best thing about mentally fucking your girlfriend is: The way her face experiences pure ecstasy during our love making. She loves it from behind, and when I play with her supple breasts she screams my name. My dick is sore from all the fucking we do. Boy your arms must be as sore as mine sometimes. You know it is kind of funny the only way that you and I can fuck your girlfriend is in our dreams. Sincerely, Captain Commons.

to my boyfriend, who I love very very much, will you please stop ramming your huge cock into my asshole, it makes me scream too damn loud and I to my downstairs neighbor in know the neighbors have been the south tower... you need to complaining. it must be weird stop blasting Ludacris every hearing other people have anal second of the day. you’ll have Wanted: One Single female him soon don’t worry. who likes Opinionated men.

THIS THIS WAS WAS LAST LAST WEEK’S WEEK’S STAFF STAFF PHOTO...

PHOTO...

Opinionated Black men. Must be able to make Booty Talk.

Send all replies to Ops/Ed

To all the girls who wear the really low jeans so that half your stomach hangs out-you look ridiculous. Especially if you are on the heavier side!!

Do us all a favor and put on some clothes so that your butt crack stays covered up in class. jew need to chill the fuck out Don't Panic CSO Minus is H.N.I.C.

CUT-OUT FUN! (and answer to Brain Teaser)

Join Join us us for for this this week’s week’s fun fun at at Livingston Livingston Student Student Center Center Room Room 113 113 at at 9:00 9:00 pm! pm!

The arrangement with the least perimeter is a 4 by 5 rectangle which has a perimeter of 18 units. The arrangement with the greatest perimeter is any design in which the 20 tiles are connected at the corners only.

In this case, the greatest perimeter is 80 units.

see if you can visually find your way to the center

Personals

John Q. Minus, Ops Ed. Personals Ed #2: Why do you flirt with Ian DeLorey?

“You’re the vulgarian, you fuck!”

Ryan Beckman, News Ed. Personals Ed #2: So, I understand your name is Ryan and you constantly get confused with Mike Ryan, who coincidentally shares the same middle name, Brady… oh wait… that’s Ritch’s middle name, yours is George.

John Minus: Because I know he and I were meant to be soul mates. He is me, but in a skinny white boy’s body. We share everything together. We even like to take poopies Ryan Beckman: Yes, they also confuse me with him together. Our love is beyond anything you or anyone because we share a close resemblance to each other. else will ever know.

I used to have a jewfro, but because my girlfriend kept bitching about it, I finally gave in and let her cut PE #2: What a touching story… don’t people walk- it. But back to the subject… Mike Ryan has the ing down the street find it unusual to see a little white jewfro and I’ve got the half Jewish in my blood and boy and a big black guy holding each other? the nose, of course.

John: Why yes, but it doesn’t matter to us anymore.

We feel free enough to express our love. We have such a strong connection, both mental and physical.

My precious little Ian loves when I jam my black cock in his asshole. He screams with such delight.

That makes me feel so gay. Oh, excuse me! I meant gay in the happy gay, but isn’t it ironic how the meaning is ambiguous in this case?

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Ian DeLorey, Webmaster Ian: Can this be over as soon as possible?

Personals Ed #1: Only if we can get stoned afterwards.

Ian: That sounds about right.

PE #1: Awesome. So, what would you say is the most exciting part of the website?

Ian: I would say theSuper Happy Fun Game.

PE #1: So would I. Kids, remember to play the Super Happy Fun Game at www.themedium.net

PE #2: You have the physical resemblance and name similarity, but do you have the elite attitude Mike Ryan carries around and possibly the brains to support the Ian: Don’t tell our children about that website. They don’t want to grow up like us. attitude?

Ryan: Well, it’s hard to compete with Mike because he has just declared his fourth major and I’m just a mere English major. But I do play the drums and the bass and I am good at writing and math too, so PE #2: Okay I think that was more than I needed to technically I could add on a few more majors, but I know. want to get…

PE #1: Oh yeah, sorry honey.

Jessica Chandra, Business & Ad Manager

Personals Ed #2: Jess, what does being “money” mean?

Troy Crowder, Staff Writer

Personals Ed #1: Troy, why must you insist on PE #2: Yes, that’s very nice. Have a nice day. wearing that mask?

Troy: No one can know Martin Babitz, Features Ed. my true identity.

Personals Ed #2: I’ve heard that you have PE #1: Troy, everyone abnormally large junk. knows who you are.

You’re not fooling Martin Babitz: yes, it’s anyone. Not even pretty big.

Carol.

PE #2: How big would Troy: Shit, even Carol you say? knows?

Martin: Do you want measurements?

PE #1: ‘Fraid so.

PE #2: That would be helpful.

Troy: Well, this interview is over. (Pulls out gun, beats self to death)

Marty: I’d say about a foot or so.

Rich Boblenz, Personals Ed.

PE #2: But you’re white… and Jewish.

Jessica Chandra: See there’s this guy… he’s my friend, but not really, I met him through a friend and now he’s my friend, he uses that term. Things to him are “money.” He’s pretty arrogant and describes himself as “money.”

Like… “See this suit? It’s money.” It’s pretty hilarious.

PE #2: Interesting… now what do you like about being business manager?

Jess: It gives me a lot of free time to sell my body…

I mean do school work. I’m really dedicated to it.

PE #2: Did you say, “Sell your body?”

Jess: No, I said, “Shell my peas.”

Carol: I don’t really feel Martin: Is there some kind of rule against Jewish like interviewing you. men having big dicks?

PE #2: No, you didn’t.

Jess: I did.

Rich Boblenz: Yeah, I don’t PE #2: Yes, it’s widely known that they have small PE #2: You can’t go on in life lying like this. Just really feel like doing this penises, but not as small as Asians. come out in the open. either.

Jess: Alright, I said, “sell my body.” I admit it. Shoot Carol: Alright forget it.

Marty Mcfly: I didn’t know that… I suppose I’m an me. I’m leaving and this <pointing towards ass> is exception to the rule. money!

Rich: Yep, I agree.

Mike Ryan, Managing Ed. PE #2: Yes, I suppose you are… so are you busy Carol: later.

Personals Ed #2: Hi Mike.

Friday night?

Ritch: I am preciass. just preciass. Bye.

Carol Hu, Personals Ed. Ritch: Carol, I insist on making your interview shorter than you made mine.

Carol: . . .

Martin: What kind of preposterous question is that?

Mike Ryan: Hi.

PE #2: I was just wondering… my… err… friend needs some serious deep dicking.

PE #2: Uh, how are you?

Mike: Pretty good.

Martin: I have a girlfriend! NO! Mike: No problem.

PE #2: Okay. Thanks for the interview.

Personals

unibutt@mad.scientist.com

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Elizabeth Finelli, Photography Chris Desarno, Nobody

Oleg Zeylikovich, Staff Artist

Personals Ed #2: What made you resign as our beloved Editor in Chief?

Personals Ed #2: Oleg, why don’t you come to meetings more often.

Chris Desarno: The pressure was too much for me to bear.

PE #2: I’m sorry. What was so intense that you couldn’t bear to stay another semester?

Oleg Z...(too long): I’m too busy.

Personals Ed #1: What do you like to take pictures of?

Liz: I take pictures mostly of things I find beauty in.

PE #1: Can you find beauty in me?

Liz: No. I would like to, but right now, I cannot.

PE #1: What the fuck?

Tell me, Liz! Why?!

Why can’t you realize my beauty? All I have to give!

All I have to offer! Why can’t you look inside me and see it?

tear in my eye.

R: Oh, sorry.

Benjamin Schactmann, Staff Writer Personals Ed #1: It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started on the Muppet Show tonight.

Ben: It’s time to put on makeup. It’s time to dress up right. It’s time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

PE #1: And now let’s get things started.

Medium staff: Why don’t you get things started?

Personals Ed #1: How long have you been the Arts editor?

Ben: It’s time to get things started…

Medium staff: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, This is what we call a MUPPET SHOOOOW!!!

Amy: This semester and last semester.

PE #1: Oh. That’s cool.

Oleg: Many things.

Chris: Well, after horrifying Jesse Fischer by slapping the 10" floppy dildo in his face and breaking PE #2: Name one! their tables… oh, oh and I almost forgot the 7’ singing and dancing banana, named Chiquita… after Oleg: Smoking cigarettes. that… I thought that there couldn’t possibly be more to life than that, so I became Jesse Fischer’s best PE #2: You know… that’s bad for your health. friend.

Oleg: So is snorting coke, but I can’t stop it. Hold PE #2: That’s such a lovely story. I almost had a on, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Liz: Because you’re taking a shit.

Amy Groark, Arts Ed.

PE #2: Too busy? What can be more exciting than a Medium meeting?

Aija McKenzie, What’s Shakin’ Personals Ed #1: Aija, how would you describe your onagain, off-again romance with the Explicit Negro?

Aija: Frustrating.

PE #1: Really? Do tell.

Aija: Well, his obsession with Ian is what really causes the on-again, off-again factor. Sometimes I wait all night for him to pick me up for dates, and later find that he was side-tracked by that boney little bitch. It’s really a pain in the ass.

PE #1: I’m sure Ian’s the one with the pain in his ass.

Aija: That was low. And is it necessary to italicize your words when you speak?

PE #1: Yes. Yes it is.

More intense than Israel versus Palestine... More captivating than Nixon versus Kennedy... More stupifying than Ben Stein versus some asshole... It can only be..... see john minus & charlotte kates in a pitchers duel for the ages

KICKBALL. MEDIUM vs. CAELLIAN coming soon...

see if medium editors (skinny white boys) have the strength to lift a kickball. see womyn gettin’ down and dirty

see you broads on the field... if you can get out of the kitchen for a while.

it’s so on

What’s Shakin’

“Digital Digital Get Down...”

Miercoles, el 8 de Abril 2002

Somethin’ funky goin on Downtown...aka NYC Shit Wed 4/10 The Beta Band The Roxy Wed 4/10 Iced Earth The World Wed 4/10 Ted Leo / Pharmacists Brownies Thu 4/11 Charlie Hunter Makor Thu 4/11 Seven Nations Mercury Lounge Thu 4/11 Bob Mould Town Hall Fri 4/12 Luis Miguel Madison Square Garden Fri 4/12 Charlie Mars Band Mercury Lounge Fri 4/12 Global Funk Council Tobacco Road Sat 4/13 Bill Charlap Trio Jazz Standard Sat 4/13 Susan Werner Joe’s Pub Sat 4/13 Mindface Knitting Factory Sun 4/14 The Flower Kings Bottom Line Sun 4/14 Avoid One Thing Bowery Ballroom Sun 4/14 Flogging Molly Bowery Ballroom Mon 4/15 Dave Matthews Band Madison Sq. Garden Mon 4/15 The Slackers Bowery Ballroom Mon 4/15 Smash Mouth FAO Schwartz Tue 4/16 Dan & Kev CB’s 313 Gallery Tue 4/16 Chemical Brothers Hammerstein Ballroom Tue 4/16 Pete Tong Hammerstein Ballroom

ON CAMPUS 4/10 The Usual Suspects RSC GSL 8pm $1 4/11 Coffeehouse RSC Red Lion Café 8pm Mr. R.U. Pageant LSC-CH 8pm 4/12 Ocean’s 11 RSC MPR 8pm $1 4/13 Laser Tag LSC-CH 8pm 4/13 Bobby Lee from Mad TV - 9pm DCC

Check Check...NEW JERSEY...

Fri 04/12/02 The Slackers - Krome Sat 04/13/02 Gotham - Packees Sun 04/14/02 The Dishes - Maxwell’s

Saturday Saturday Saturday Come see a buncha hot girls with names like Pignuts, Splatter, REtard, Big’un, Killah, Meatball, and me, Shorty FatFat, play in the WOMENS RUGBY GAME Saturday at 8pm @ the Sports Club field across from Silvers Apts. Help us show TCNJ who the REAL NJ school is!!!

WOMYN UNITE!!!

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!!!

Thursday, 4/11 Women meet at Douglass Voorhees Chapel at 7pmI’ll be there!!!

Do you like naked men?

Me too! Now we can be best friends! Or, you can just submit your events to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com.

And o yeah, come to a Medium Meeting, tonight LSC 9pm