Wednesday, April 3, 2002
18
Page 2-3: Fools
War of the Mathematical Constants!
Page 4-5: Chumps Page 6-7: Buffoons
versus Last nite?
Page 8: Idiot Page 9-11: Boobs
Page 12: What’s Shakin’
e
The Battle Explodes Inside!
EDITORIALS
“You obviously do not know who you are FUCKING WITH!”
Wednesday, April 3rd , 2002
Help make The Medium!
HAPPY EASTER! from your friends at The Medium!
It’s time to make your mark on your dull, insipid life! Contribute to The Medium as it’s being produced! Monday night, April 8, send one of those exciting Instant Messages to the AIM screen name: MediumEiC. Your thrilling messages will be printed on this page! Well, not this exact page, but the corresponding page in next week’s issue. Tell a joke! Tell us about your stinking roommate! Tell us about our stinking paper! This is too exciting! Somebody slap me! AIM: MediumEiC your ticket to infamy!
PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT BLACK. Oftentimes certain groups of indeterminate racial origin will attempt to identify themselves as “black” in order to cash on the hard-earned benefits of affirmative action. Other groups who would normally never ever identify themselves with African Americans, all jump on the black bandwagon when applying for jobs, financial aid, colleges, etc. So as a public service, I will now relieve any misconceptions and confusion about race and ethnicity, specifically, who is black, and who ain’t. This list is inviolate, absolute, and infallible. So pay attention, because from this day forward you do not want tro be caught claiming blackness when you do not possess enough soul to know even the most popular Parliament Funkadelic song. You’re welcome. 1. Egyptians - only claim to be African American when it’s convenient. You’re Arabs, get over it. 2. White South Africans - Don’t even get me started. The next Afrikaner who comes up to me talkin about “Technically I’m African American” is gonna get my African American foot up his ass. 3. Moroccans - The general theme I’m getting at here is that just because you technically are from Africa does not make you black. Most peoples who Not Black fall into this category generally distance themselves from actual African Americans until it becomes convenient to associate with us. If your people didn’t march and sit in the Civil Rights movement, don’t be trying to come along later and scoop up the rewards. 4. South Americans - I threw them is because there is so much interbreeding going on down there that everybody is everything. They’re a bunch of mixedNot Black breeds who still somehow manage to impose socio-economic restrictions on each other based on race. Impressive when you think about it, but also very sad. 5. Indian West Indians - Yeah, thought you were slick huh? I see you, trying to sneak into the club. “Hey you, you put that you’re black on this application. Why’s your hair so long and straight? And what’s with the bindy?” Look, I’ve seen Indian people darker than me, but that alone does not cut it. 6. Asians Who Know More About Hip-Hop Than I Do - Self-explanatory, huh?
You see Black is more than just a transitory condition, it’s a state of being. An attitude that cannot be faked. Now I shall inform you of groups who ARE Black, though they may deny it. 1. Italians - Let’s see, Italian men are known for being well hung and being great in bed. Italian women are the only “white” women who have big round butts. Sound like anybody you know? African Americans and Italian Americans are ideologically a lot closer than African Americans and Africans. So why can’t we all just get along? Face it, those Moors got you guys good back in the day. 2. Dominicans - Mmm Hmm. Say what you want, you can’t live on an island where half the population is black and there’s no interbreeding. Couple that with the fact that DR used to be a slave colony and viola, you have Black/Spanish people. Don’t deny it. Dominicans and Blacks get along better than Dominicans and Puerto Ricans...well, accept for Dominicans and Haitians... 3. Caribbean People in General. Look, take shiploads of desperate, horny Africans, who haven’t seen a woman in months, put them on islands filled with hot, sexy, fiery bronzed island people, and top it all off with Spanish slavemasters who just didn’t seem to be able to keep it in their pants. Now what does that equal? Most island people have black in them, it’s a fact. Don’t fight it, we’re all related distantly, if not closer. Which leads me to my next group... 4. Black West Indians - Don’t be giving me a story about you being Indian when you’re hairs’ so nappy even Moses couldn’t part it. Not Black Basically what I’m saying is that people should just be who they are. Nothing more, Nothing less.
/R
ORRECTIONZ
ETRACTIONS
Correction - what you need; Retraction - what your dad should have done
Last issue’s trading card bonanza was not properly credited due to the incompetance of the Editor in Chief (not that any of the staff are competant enough to impeach him). STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER is Elizabeth Finelli Photographic “Talent”: Ryan Beckman, Ritch Boblenz, Elizabeth Finelli, John Minus, Benjamin Schachtmann, Michael Wyzard, and two drunks
Cover by: Fermat
THE
MEDIUM
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fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian DeLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John W. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
“ Semen and Visionaries”
OPINIONS OPINIONS
PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL EVER READ. First they got rid of Family Guy. Then the Tick. And then Family NIGGA DON’T COME TO MEDIUM MEETING (WEDNESDAY Guy again. And then again. An now Machu Picchu. What next? The NIGHT, 915 PM, lsc 113), NIGGA NO BE COOL! Vatican? The Statue of Liberty? How about warm apple pie? Mom’s NIGGA NO BE COOL, NIGGA NO GET PUSSY! home cooking? Lassie Saving Timmy from the fire. Or the well. Or NIGGA NO WRITE OPINIONS ARTICLES (AND SEND THEM TO Michael Jackson. How about getting rid of the American Dream? HETEROFRENZY@YAHOO.COM) NIGGA NO MAKE MONEY! How about throwing away a blind person’s cane so he doesn’t NIGGA NO MAKE MONEY, NIGGA NO BE ABLE TO AFFORD BMW know where anything is? Wait...that would be funny. Well fuck 7 SERIES, NIGGAAAAA! hotels. Fuck the rainforests. Fuck rainforests. Fuck waterfalls and the oceans. Fuck Rutgers. Fuck the bee-yotches. Fuck Rutgers again. Fuck Cook College. Fuck censorship. Fuck authority. Fuck Tibet....well maybe not Tibet. But definately fuck the Have a couple of beers and sit down environment. And certainly fuck those assholes and dip-shits who with The Medium tonight! go around spreading awareness about abortion, and politics, and conformity, and baby seals, and cannabalism, and religion, and pollution, well lets just say fuck the hippies. Fuck the trees, save the rocks. This rant brought to you by the letters L,S,D and Raoul Dan.
“Educating the Asses, oops, I mean the Masses” Normally, one would not think that an introduction would be needed before a person wrote an article about a specific topic. It is predominantly understood (that) a reader can infer from an article, and grasp the intended concept, by performing this (his) job as a “reader” and actually reading it. And no, by reading, it is not meant for one to merely skim it, or read the first line, then toss it away, as so many unintelligent people tend to do. Of course, I do applaud those who are in fact intelligent enough to gain this (the) true meaning of the (an) article by skimming, etc. though, since this would only be a very minute percentge (percentage) of the overall population, it would be best if we just pretended that they did not exist. (run-on) As for the rest of the population, these individuals are, well, maybe not unintelligent, but definitely lazy, which can be just as bad. Since the author was so kind as to selflessly provide an article for the enjoyment and entertainment of the mass population, the reader should be kind enough to actually READ and grasp the concept of this article. Not only should one be inclined to realize the point of an article, or any other said work, it should also be principally understood that the first portion of an author’s work is just this, an introduction. As seen in the response that was given to a certain Joe’s “Philosophy Corner,” it is apparent that either a majority of people nowadays, or, just a majority of people who read The Medium, are idiots who cannot decipher Coke from Pepsi. (Sorry, but even I couldn’t make that sentence make sense – Ops Ed) But wait, hahaha, silly me, we’re dealing with the Medium here, so let us get into the correct context...idiots who cannot decipher their ass from a hole in the ground. (Don’t try and fuck with the Medium IN the Medium asshole – Ops Ed) Either this, or they are just completely oblivious. Though, I would say that it was a little from column A, and a little from column B. (Even Simpsons quotes can’t redeem this piece of trash – Ops Ed)
attempting to not fall under the same scrutiny. Also, I did understand where this figurative Joe was coming from, and did understand the basis behind his argument. (So you also are a lonely, ugly, antisocial recluse who couldn’t catch a girl with a tranquilizer gun – Ops Ed) I did not necessarily agree with what he was trying to say, and did not like the overall “point” that he was trying to make, but still understood him nonetheless. No one really wants to listen to, nor cares about, some random guy having issues about how he’s not “getting any” due to the lack of females in his classes, and, I too happen to be a part of those who definitely expected more from someone known as Philosophy Joe. However, one has to keep in mind that this is in fact his first article, and that the actual philosophizing is still to come. If one were to read any type of philosophy book…hahaha, silly me, we are talking about Medium readers here, my bad…(that’s getting old, pal – Ops Ed) Let me rephrase that. After reading any philosophy book, one would notice that the introductory portion of the book is completely composed of rantings (rants) about what happened or happens to the philosopher in real life, or any other kind of issue that they feel strongly about. The philosopher never really gets into the actual philosophizing until later on. Thus, it is safe to deduce that this is the approach that Mr. Philosophy Joe over there intended to take. Thus, I say to you, “Joe,” go and regain your status as a Philosophy Joe and write your little heart out about the philosophical issues that continue to plague mankind. However, do not write another plea for having more women in your classes, because that would definitely demean your status as a philosopher, and we don’t want that, now do we? (NOBODY RESPECTS PHILOSOPHERS ANYWAY! NOBODY! – Ops Ed)
In case you, the reader, is still wondering mindlessly about what this rant about Philosophy Joe’s article has to do with my own, it is because the reaction that was given to this said article is basically what my own article is and will be about (and I said “will be,” that means that Due to certain reactions to this “Joe’s” article, I felt the need to state the obvious and proclaim that this rant is an introduction to my own this isn’t the last you’ve seen of me..bahaha). (Not if I have anything to say about it – Ops Ed) It is basically about how people are innately and article. And, in case vaguely stating the fact that this is an introduction is not enough, I will further explain ***INTRODUCTION*** (aren’t subliminal naturally stupid. Not stupid as in unintelligent, nor as in dumb, but messages fun?) what an introduction is. Thus, it will hopefully be instilled merely as in inexperienced or ignorant. Those who gave responses to into your mind that this is, in fact, an introduction. Webster describes an “Joe’s” article just happened to become prime examples of this “stupidity.” This is why I chose to use it as part of my introduction. For introduction as: future reference, don’t worry, I plan to eventually deal with actual issues : something that introduces : as a (1) : a part of a book or treatise that adhere to the topic of people’s ignorantly annoying stupidity. But, till preliminary to the main portion (2) : a preliminary treatise or course of then, bye now. study b : a short introductory musical passage ——Your Better 2 : the act or process of introducing : the state of being introduced 3 : a putting in : insertion
(If you actually have such low self-esteem that this guys’s article made
4 : something introduced (anally); specifically : a new or exotic plant or animal
you feel bad, don’t. You see all those grammatical mistakes he made?
In case everyone is wondering why I choose to include this small, two-second, (or since we’re dealing with Medium readers here, hour-long rant) of another person’s article in my article, this is because I am
If you want to write about how other people are stupid, learn to write first. And while we’re at it, don’t do it anonymously, pussy. Ops Ed)
“My poopies taste like daddy’s penis.”
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
Gravesite Disturbances Explained For over a year now, investigators have been working to explain the strange noises that were being detected in cemeteries and memorials across the country. Now, new revelations have shed some light upon these disturbances. People began reporting strange noises at the sites in late December of 2000 that have been growing in intensity since. In addition, there have been certain periods, such as mid August and 3-week stretch from late October to mid November when the disturbances seemed to become more aggressive. “A major piece of this puzzle fell into place when we realized that all the sites where disturbances were occurring held the resting places of America’s founding father,” Explained Dr. Frank Eriksson, who has been leading the investigation. “For some reason, it seems that they are all spinning in their graves.” In a related story, the animated remains of Patrick Henry had reently been spotted digging itself out of the ground and carving into his own tombstone the words “I said ‘Give me liberty or give me death,’ NOT ‘Take my liberties because I am afraid of the aggressor.”
Johnson and Johnson Changes Slogan by Chris DeSarno NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Johnson and Johnson revealed it’s new slogan yesterday to the horror of employees and owners. The new slogan, which is prominently featured in newly released commercials is “Johnson and Johnson: Because two Johnsons are better than one.” CEO Steve Rosenfell is credited with the memo causing the change to the new slogan. “I was really, really drunk.” explained Ronsefell.
Ronsefell stated that 9 out of 10 people enjoyed the Johnson to the left over a gunshot to the face.
Root of Terrorism Found; Hunt for Sharon Begins by John Minus NEW YORK- A UN Subcommittee on terrorism released its findings to the General Assembly yesterday. The subcommittee reported that the actual source of all of the terrorism and bombings was, in fact, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. The report stated that it is Sharon’s policies of oppression and suppression of Palestinian rights that has compelled Palestinians to such drastic measures. “The people are hungry and angry”, said Committee chairman Boutros-Boutros Ghali, “conditions which historically put people into a bad mood. After extensive surveys and observation, we saw that many of the socio-economic factors that have produced such violent conditions were under the control of Sharon. We also discovered that anyone with at least a 5th grade education could see why the people were so angry and afraid for their lives. We at the UN firmly believe in spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to figure out what my ten year old son repeatedly told us over the course of the 3month investigation.” In response to this move, Israel has declared war on itself. Tanks rumbled into cities across the nation, from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, searching for Sharon, who has gone into hiding with the rest of his administration. Israel has vowed to be victorious in this war with Israel as it has been in all of it’s past “wars”. In related news, over the weekend Sharon held a press conference blaming Yasir Arafat for the Holocaust, Global Warming, ABC’s Friday Night Lineup, Carrot Top, jock itch, WW II in general, Pandora opening the Box of Sorrows, and Conan being nailed to the Tree of Woe. He cited all of these accusations as more reason to run over women and children with tanks.
Come to THE Medium meeting in room 113 at the Livingstong student center this and every Wednesday By: Michael Stanley at 9:00. New Brunswick, NJ - An area man was At the practice Mahoney was asked various amazed to find out he was chosen for the questions from: “Have you ever played before?” Bring a tentative roster of a local Big East University. and “Do you think it’s gay for a man to watch Humphrey Mahoney, 20, came to the tryanother man masturbate?” After answering the freind and out practice not expecting much, and left as questions Mahoney was told he was on the a part of the practice squad. team. we’ll envy All of Mahoney’s friends and family were Shocked, Mahoney asked if the staff wanted amazed when they found out. Humphrey’s to see him run some routes as a Receiver. He you for mother commented while putting down a ran various routes and displayed his lack of a bottle of Quaaludes “Humphrey? Who the catching ability. The coaches later commented having one. hell is that? Oh, my son…. Good for him.” “Well, if he can catch some of the time it’s a His father also commented while putting down a 40 oz of beer “It’s time that lazy sun of a bitch got up and did something; I can’t remember the last time he took out the trash!” Humphrey said he was walking around college and saw signs for try outs; he had the rest of the day off so he decided to show up. At the practice Mahoney was surprised, because he was the only person who decided to come.
huge improvement over our current players.”
The most important part of any football team? A good 40 oz. of malt liquor... black people love it almost as much as they love kicking white people’s asses in sports.
Two days later Mahoney was interviewed by the local campus’s paper about walking onto the Division One team. Mahoney expressed how he had always dreamed about playing for a football team, especially at the University, and how he learned so much from playing Madden 2002 on his Playstation 2. Mahoney hopes to receive some playing time in the upcoming season.
Send News Articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com. Send News Articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com. Send News Articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com.
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
“I hate gay men because they don’t have to deal with women.”
Secondhand Smoke Linked to Secondhand Coolness By Sushma Trivedi Americans have known for many years that smoking causes coolness but a new study suggests that the cool effects of smoking are not just limited to the smoker. This study, funded by Philip Morris, was released Monday and found that secondhand smoke is a leading cause of coolness and is only slightly less cool than actual smoking. As a result of this study, cigarette companies are now encouraging nonsmokers to frequent smoky bars and befriend smokers, as well as well speak out against laws that mandate separate non-smoking sections in public places. “We are only acting in the interest of the public at large,” Philip Morris spokesman Jeff Diched said. “We’re not saying non-smokers are going to die as a result of their actions, but we do want to make sure they know they’re not as cool as they could be.” Diched described a “three-level progression” of coolness that non-smoking study participants experienced. Level one begins as soon as the nonsmoker sat down at a barstool next to a person enjoying a delicious cigarette. “Even the nerdiest subject somehow appeared cool when interacting with a smoking partner,” Diched comments. “Just the fact that the subject was brave enough to breathe deadly secondhand smoke established him as a hip, freethinking individual, the kind of person who might one day run with the bulls in Pamplona.” Level two begins after a nonsmoker has been in a smoke-filled environment for at least an hour. At this point, the non-smoker’s clothes are saturated with the stink of smoke, and he or shoe develops a dry, hacking cough. Bronchial fits are directly proportional to mucus overproduction, respiratory cyanosis, and coolness. The smelly clothing leads to coolness because the non-smoker smells as if he or she smokes two or more packs a day, which is a very cool thing to do. Level three occurs once the non-smoker acknowledges that smoking is cool and becomes a smoker. “Even if a former non-smoker only smokes in bars or social situations, we feel as if we’ve scored a victory,” Diched says. Smokers across the U.S. feel vindicated by the study. “It’s an exciting time to be a smoker,” Rutgers University freshman Melinda Moscall said. “It made me look grown-up in high school, and now that I’m older, it just makes me look cool.” Moscall’s boyfriend, junior Dave Callone, agreed. “She always looks sexy smoking at the bars,” he said. “I myself don’t smoke, but I sure feel cool when I’m with Melinda. And what’s more is that since she smokes so much now, she’s got these great wrinkles and we don’t even need fake IDs anymore.” Jennifer C. Penny, president of the American Smokers Association, said there has never been a betThis bad cute a smoker. “Cigater time to be boy ass is named rette compaPedro. He’ll nies need our help,” Penny fuck your shit up said. “They want to get third if you disrespect, world countries addicted to but chillwith him American cigaand could catch that’s going to take rettes, but his coolness sec- and lots of money. time, effort ond hand. Now that this study has been released, I’m confident that even nonsmokers will make donations to cigarette companies, thanking them for their gift of coolness.” Penny also praised the tobacco companies for adding freon, nicotine and dozens of other poisonous substances to tobacco. “Anyone would be seen as cool their body could handle any one of those chemicals. But smokers, being the coolest people around, have no problem being able to handle them all at once,” Penny said. “And breathing those chemicals secondhand is almost as cool.” Encouraged by the study, Philip Morris announced plans to petition the government to legalize the sale of cigarettes to popularity-conscious gradeschoolers.
Connect the dots.
Area Man Molests Self in Time Traveling Accident by Chris DeSarno, staff infection
Piscataway, NJ - Irving Thorn made history last week when he was the first man to actually travel backwards in time. Having fell into a blackhole which manifested itself in his livingroom Thorn was sent back to the year 1985, where he lived for several months until he was able to find a In a wonderful Television moment al- dilorian and return to his most too painful to watch, Magic proper time. Johnson admitted that he went back Unfortunately Thorn, who is in time just to give a monkey aids. both a time-traveler and a sex offender, decided to molest a young boy during his stay in 1985. Soon after the molestation Thorn discovered the young boy was himself at age 10. “I have an illness.” Thorn told reporters at a press conference yesterday. “It’s not my fault. I had a bad childhood ... I was molested as a young boy.” When one reporter pointed out that that was his own fault he repeated, “It’s not my fault. I had a bad childhood ... I was molested as a young boy.” This went on for several hours until it was discovered that the reporter was a robot stuck in an infinite loop and Thorn was an idiot. “Sex offenders are predators.” says molestation expert Father Jacob Dalson. “The worst are the molesters who prey on children ... they have sick urges when they see the young ... creamy ... smooth ... buttocks of a young boy.” Dalson then excused himself to the bathroom. Thorn, in a press release yesterday said that he had paid himself a healthy sum of money to settle the matter outside of court.
By(Your Name Here)
If you submit news articles to Cuteboyass@hotmail.com someday you could write a book and a fistfull of worthless crap... maybe yours will be, “A Fistfull of dirt”
POLICE BLOTTER • A university student was taken into custody after he called a girl a slut. University officials say that this is the first instance that one of the school’s girls has been called such a thing, and they do not expect a repeat of the incident.
• Jiminy Cricket was arreted by New Brunswick police officers for pouring food coloring and vinegar into the vagina of a girl who had passed out in the road. He claims to have just been “dying her eggs for easter.”
• A group of mexicans misunderstood a priest and ate a man named Jesuz after tearing him limb from limbthis past Sunday. -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by my pubic lice)
“Shootin’ the Cheese: A documentary.”
Forest Rangers Barricade Yogi Bear in his Cave
Ask Granny Goodness
“We are at War,” says Ranger Smith
A Treasure Trove of Children’s Advice Since 1954
by Martin Babitz
Dear Granny Goodness, There’s this new girl who moved into the house across the street from me. Her name is Shanequa and she’s really nice and friendly and fun to play with. The only problem is her skin, its really, really dark. My older brother calls her black, but she seems more brown than anything else. I want to be friends with her but I’m afraid to because she’s different. Is she a mutant? What should I do? -Sally Simpson Age 7
JELLYSTONE PARK—Years of mutual shenanigans on both sides resulted in full-scale war yesterday, as Forest Rangers launched a massive, bloody offensive on the cave compound of Yogi Bear. The incursion, dubbed “Operation Offensive Bear” by the Rangers, culminated after the recent self-detonation of Boo-Boo bear in a crowded Park Services Information Desk. “We have made repeated efforts for peace,” said Park Ranger Smith, leader of the cartoon offensive, “but Yogi, has continued his campaign of terror, snatching “pickinick” baskets without regard for Jellystone regulations. Dragging that filthy fucking bear out by his eyelids and beating him to death in a public square, well that is the measure we’re going to have to take for our self-defense.” Enemy #1? ..or Bear-ly guilty?
Boo-boo in happier, less explosive times.
The Rangers were unavailable for further comment as they were using all resources rounding up, blindfolding and handcuffing other average, less intelligent cartoon bears in parks around the country.
Special Medium Fun Game!!!!
Granny Goodness
C:
Walter Smith
D:
Peanut Johnson
E: The Ill-Informed Man
Dear Tommy, I know your upset, but I never want to hear you questioning the existence of our Lord Jesus Christ ever again. He was indisputably the only Son of God who died for our sins and will forever live on in our hearts and prayers. As for Santa Claus, he too exists. Or should I say existed? Yeah, he’s dead. Very, very dead. Back in ’61, a drunken Puerto Rican shot old St. Nick in the skull. I hope that helps, my dear lad. -Granny goodness P.S. The Easter Bunny was put to sleep last spring when he got rabies and bit one of the Olsen Twins.
(Granny Goodness, when not helping children, is Mike Ciriaco)
Conservation of Forest Space: The Communist Agenda Political Commentary by Walter Smith, American Jim Conroy
1: “I don’t know much about no dirty dancin’. But I could tell ya’ a whole lot about the Lambada, if ya reckon’ it’s yer style. It’s the forbidden dance y’know, based on ancient Mexican tribal rituals. 2: “I remember that movie. That’s the one with that Patrick Swayze fellow, and that woman who got the nose job. That film’s got a cult following, and I don’t think that’s a figure of speech. It’s not surprising since the cast is made up of pinkos, leftists, and perverts. Especially Swayze.” 3: “Mmmmm... yes the dirt. The dirt that shall rain from the eyes of the pure when Zoravustra reigns supreme over all the lesser gods. The blood shall erupt from their veins in a fiery hot geyser. A geyser nearly as hot as the performance that Jennifer Grey turned in as “Baby” in what was one of my favorite films of 1987. A+!” Fourth rule is: Eat kosher salamis.
Dear Granny Goodness, My cousin Kevin told me that there is no Santa Claus. That can’t be true, can it? If there’s no Santa, then what’s the point in believing in Christmas, or Jesus, or anything at all. Please set this straight for me. -Tommy Walker Age 5
First rule is: The Laws of Germany
B:
Dear Sally, Oh my silly wee girl, your new friend doesn’t have dark skin because she’s a mutant. She has dark skin because she’s a Negro, or as Old Grandpappy Goodness used to refer to them, ‘Alabama Porch Monkeys’. This happy-go-lucky race of people may be innately violent, but that bestial strength makes them superior workers in our nation’s cotton fields. On top of that, no one can beat them when it comes to jazz. So, should you make friends with that little Negro girl? Of course not, sweetheart. Those jive talking fried chicken eaters are so eager for a fix, they’d steal the crack out of your innocent Caucasian tushie.
Happy Holidays!
Can You Match the NB Citizen with what they thought about Dirty Dancing? A:
Second rule is: Be nice to Mommy
On the other side of the issue, noted cartoon bear scholars have explained that these regulations were set in place after the Rangers set the park up around the bears, and that they were not given the choice of their own rules. Yogi himself said from his confined location in the center of Jellystone, “cartoon bodies around the world have condemned this action, and yet no one does anything about it. It’s times like this that I wish I had middle fingers, with which to flip off the world. ” Last minute calls by Yogi to the Cartoon Network went unheeded. “I can see where the Rangers are comin’ from,” said Cartoon Network CEO Geoffrey Branch. They have as much right to defend themselves from terror as Tweety from Sylvester, the Holograms from the Misfits. While I would advise the Rangers to caution, I can’t say I blame ‘em. I’d also like to remind the public that cartoons aren’t actually real. Yogi is in fact smarter than the average bear.”
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
4: I refused to watch anything that has the word Dirty in the title. Innocent, lily white children should not be exposed to films that feature such flagrant sexuality that it becomes the title of movie. Sweet lord Jesus deliver us from such sin! 5: Fuck all this bullshit. I don’t even read this cracker-ass paper.
Karl Marx, in a speech he presented to Oxford, explained the need for “conservation of forest space” as a way to provide “breathable oxygen” to the masses. As of late, a select group of communist sympathizers have organized in support to the late Marx’s philosophy, protesting the development of oil-rich Alaskan land. This is of course an affront to both American values, and redundantly, common decency. Our great nation is built on the great morals of our forefathers, who knew that the preservation of forest was only as good as the wealth of its contents. It’s also an insult to those brave heroes of September 11th, who fought and died so that progress could continue in this great nation. Besides, “oxygen,” as science has proven time and time again, is nothing but a Democrat-sponsored myth based on shamanism, witchcraft, and lies. Furthermore, anyone who attempts to halt progress is nothing but a filthy Communist, rabble rouser, and hooligan. These Communists, as they spread their tentacles into our communities, will do whatever it takes to spread their treehugging values, stopping short of nothing. They will also touch our children. So remember ladies and gentlemen, that when election time rolls around, a vote for the conservation of the Alaskan Wildlife Preserve, is a vote for the molestation of your own children. And you don’t want your children molested …. do you?
Third rule is: Don’t Talk to Commies
GMG
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu
Do you enjoy seeing buttery, nutritious children dressed up like clowns being devoured by “B” grade celebrities? Then write for the Medium!
Mindy Cohn to Eat Seven Babies “Facts of Life” Star to Top Brando’s Record By Martin Babitz BURBANK, CA—According to a press release issued by FOX Media, Inc., they have signed exclusive rights with “Facts of Life” star Mindy Cohn (TV’s Natalie) to televise her consumption of no less than seven live human babies as part of as-yet unnamed series. While generally the competition for television rights has been less than heated lately, all four major networks have been warring for over six months in an often dirty battle to gain the rights to the sept-parte child eating. “The FOX network has never shied away from quality programming,” said the press release issued on Tuesday, “and the honor of being the first network to air the devouring of seven luscious, buttery babies could not be passed up. The addition of strong celebrity power from Mindy Cohn, adds to what we believe will be a historical television event.” The network, owner of programming that has often been critically lambasted, such as “Celebrity Boxing,” “When Animals Attack,” and “Temptation Island,” is quick to separate this show from the pack. “While those shows have been incredibly successful shows, our commitment to quality reality programming has often been criticized by other, jealous bitches of networks. FOX as always, remains committed to showing embarrassments to class, culture and humanity, which naturally get huge ratings.” There is no word yet from Mindy Cohn’s representation about rumors that the actress has been preparing for the record-breaking event by skulking around bus stations, eating babies out of carriages after telling parents to “look over there.”
“Why, God, Didn't One of My Relatives Get Killed on 9/11?” By Elroy Chowder Obligatory opening sentence: "Since September 11th, everything has changed." OK, this is bullshit. My life sucks just as bad as it did on September 10. Thing is, though, is that if one of my relatives (especially parents) would have been killed on 9/11, my life would be looking a whole lot better. Now don't get all self-righteous to me. Read the damn newspaper. The average award to families who lost someone is $1.85 million! And this is out of MY tax dollars! Will someone explain to me why I should have to pay for this? Is it because these people are going to see mommy and daddy burned to a crisp on every "2001 in review" video that comes down the pike? Not to mention the books, the videos, the DVDs After a while, I'm sure they'll be numb to it. When Johnny sees his daddy's firetruck getting flattened the 200th time, he'll learn to deal with it. People have been doing it for ages. He'll have help, too, because our government is giving out bakery trucks full of dough to these people. And then we're giving the kids all free rides to universities (such as Rutgers; admittedly, they aren't the best). It's true, some of these people who died had sweet jobs (Cantor Fitzgerald isn't a burger joint) and probably would have made big money. But the stupid thing is that if mommy and daddy had been hit by an Arab cab driver on September 10 rather than an Arab airline-pilot-in-training on September 11, they'd be SHIT OUTTA LUCK. I guess I can't really refuse to let them use my money to pay these people, but I know one thing I can do. Next time a hijacked plane is coming my way, I'll push Grandma's wheelchair in front of it before she notices her IV's been yanked.
Hey. You. Come to a Medium Meeting. LSC 113, Wednesday night. 9 PM. Why? Well what else are you going to be doing then?
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Dear Medium Readers: by Yank Myrodoff - Staff Toucher The other day I was talking with my father, and I made an offhand comment that he didn’t really believe and he said to me, “What the fuck? I think you play with you dick too much boy.” It was then that I thought of the question...what exactly is too much. I decided then that as a service to my fellow men, I should find out. So I took a one week absence from playing with my dick, and then sat down with some good porn, and decided to have a little exploration if the boundaries. This is a diary of that exploration. +First time: That was good as expected. Little messier than usual after a week of abstinence but no signs of anything wrong. For the sake of speed I’m just going to keep count and skip ahead till there’s something to report. +Fifth time: I’m starting to notice a little tenderness when I finish and let it relax for my 10 min break. It’s starting to take a little more work and my forearms getting tired. +6th time: It took a little longer to get it up for this time with my roommate in the room, really hard to focus on the porn with him yellin at me like that. Definite pinching and chafing as I stroke and a definite soreness of Mr. Happy when finished. +Seventh time: I didn’t actually finish this time; I was about to when something hit the back of my neck and I realized my roommate had stopped yelling in disgust and joined in. He had hit me with a stray bullet. This caused an immediate limpness and a lack of will to bring back the rock and finish what I had started. Definitely sore, maybe some light bruising. +Eighth time: I had to switch hands, but things are still progressing. not too much different from the last couple times, I’m feelin a bit drained, and the soreness and bruising are becoming worse. +Ninth time: Veins are becoming swollen, red and agitated, most of shaft appears to bruised. The pain of stroking almost makes it impossible to get off. +Tenth time: That was definitely some blood in the mix there...I think broke something internal. +20th time: I did a spree after getting up to go to the bathroom and slipping in my puddle. I hit the ground and knocked myself unconscious losing an hours time. I had to make up for it. Load is now about 1/3 blood, ejaculating is starting to become a touch painful. Stroking is excruciating. I think I wanna kill myself. +30th time: Normal porn ain’t cuttin it anymore, had to switch to the animal and bukkake. I became a little frightened when I missed a stroke due to an entire layer of skin just sheering off my genitals. It burns like a skinned knee, and 3 times as bad when I touch it. Blood flows from my dick whether or not I’m cumming. I mustn’t stop though, in the interest of science I move on. +40th time: Another couple of layers of skin and a bucket of tears later, I came. I can barely get it up, my prostate exploded a little bit ago. My hands are covered in blood, my roommate came in and saw me still at it, and threw up at the site...I found it arousing. It’s what finally pushed me over. The only way I knew I had orgasmed was the sudden burst of pain and the blood coming from my urethra became much thicker. +60th time: It’s a blur, I don’t really know what happened. There’s blood all over, I remember screaming, and seeing Jesus, a melee of other unrecognizable hallucinations, and then I woke up and it was 2 weeks after I had started. My dick shriveled and fell off. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I’ve made for your benefit...the limit for “too much” is. So next time your father says “You play with your dick too much.” You don’t have to wonder, what is too much...for I have ventured into that frontier. As payment, I hope one of you will kill me.
Arts
“God wants you to know that God will destroy your evil web site!!!”
Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
The Art of Pornography by Chris DeSarno My good friend, whose name also happens to be Chris DeSarno, collects pornography. If you ask him about it he’ll simply refer to it as his “art collection.” This raises an interesting question that has been raised many times before: Can art contain the words “fucksluts” in the title? My friend claims to be a patron of the arts. When he sees a New York City peep show he goes dressed in the height of upper-class fashion: a monocle, a top hat and a cane. Several times during the “performance art” he’ll stand up, clap, and yell “bravo!” He’ll analyze the Spice Channel like a fine art. “Look at that camera angle!” he’d say and start to weep. “It’s so beautiful!” Later he’d tell me about the scene where the cameraman wasn’t wearing any pants and at one point drops the camera down to show himself masturbating. “See that! He’s obviously making a statement about perspective. No one is an absolute observer. Everything is subjective. What a brilliant statement!” Are terms and definitions really that important? In the end, does it really matter if my friend is a sexual pervert or a patron of the arts? The answer, of course, is a resounding “yes.”
das arts ees good, no?
Yakov Smirnoff Asserts “In Russia, Child Molests Paula Poundstone!” by Boris Feldman Yakov Smirnoff, famous comedian and recurring character on “Night Court,” will be coming to New Brunswick to perform at the State Theater on April 20th. His poignant humor has entertained audiences everywhere from headliner rooms in Las Vegas to college campuses, concert halls and even the White House. Smirnoff, for those unfamiliar with his work, broke comedic ground in the 80s with his cutting edge, outside-the-box observational humor which enumerated the differences between America and his homeland of Russia. For those who thought his career ended with the Cold War, think again. Tickets will be sold out in no time so call now, jackass!
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(don’t tell Cardinal Egan!)
Half-Assed Last-Minute Music Review Not For Publicity But Simply Because I Have Nothing Else To Put In This Particular Spot by Amy Groark Baha Men - “Move It Like This” Last week I received a package from Capitol Records - apparently the Baha Men are releasing a new album. They sent a press kit (which I will eventually be selling on eBay) including a bio, pictures, and a single for “Move It Like This.” I decided to put the CD on after I lost hope for finding anything else to write about. Surprisingly, it has a similar feel to “Who Let the Dogs Out?” - a ready-made hit destined for sports arenas and clubs. They reference all sorts of bygone dance trends in the span of three and a half minutes - the mashed potato, the funky chicken, electric slide, et al. And then just to make sure your ass is shakin’, they throw in the dance mixes. They seem unnecessary, as they don’t sound too much different from the radio cut (especially when you listen to the damn thing three times in a row). The original song is dancey enough, go make a new one. Or don’t.
Come to a Medium Meeting: Wednesday, 9:30pm Livingston Stu Center Rm. 113
To the cunt licker on Livingston in Quad 3 that leaves their alarm on every fucking weekend: If I hear your alarm again this weekend I will find you and I will make you sorry you ever came to Rutgers. Do you like goats? I hope so, because I have a goat that can’t wait to fuck you in the ass until you can’t walk anymore. Kindly turn off you fucking alarm or my goat and I will take care of your inconsideration for the people that choose to stay in this shithole on the weekends. -Sleepless in Quad 3 (thanks to you) (damn fuckers... can’t stand those people that always leave their alarms on... you should just break down the door and throw the alarm out the window.) to that hot-ass jacked Indian guy I saw at the busch student center and dining hall- you are sooo fine I was checking you out everytime you walked by me, too bad we can’t make something of it, because I can only see with my eyes and not with my hands... too bad. Why does everyone at Rutgers drive a fucking Eclipse? They’re everywhere. In the College Ave. deck. In any parking lot. Go by Seminary Place at any time of day and you’ll find at least 3 of them parked one behind the other. And I hate those fucking people in their suped-up Ford Taurus’s. What the hell is that? Get a base-model BMW for all the money you assholes put into making your car look decent. Youmay not be able to afford power windows, but at least it’s better than driving your parents’ left-over piece of shit. (Alright, I’ll have to admit Eclipses do suck, but they’re pretty little girlie cars, you also forgot to mention that civics are everywhere too. Unfortunately the people who you think supe up their Taurus’s, those are SHO’s... they’re racing cars, not suped up left over shit. and i hope you’re not talking about the bmw 318 because they stopped making that piece of shit.) unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com
Carol’s Page!
“Who’s Ritch?”
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
To that blonde haired redshirt Dear ZTA bitches (all of you I just had one of the most exat brower with the big-nosed except for 2 of your pledges)- citing nights of my life. I was blonde girlfriend, who has a I hope you all rot in hell until waiting for that for a long time good body. You know you and your herpes infested vaginas and it finally happened and I I really have a lot in common; turn to ashes. You walk around want more! Thanks for the neither of us have ever fucked like your better than everyone great night-you know who you your girlfriend, but we both else, even though no one would are& come back to me. soon. think about it all the time. To want to be in your snotty ass, (what did you do , come the girl, the things I mentally do closet whore shoes. You bet- across your roommate’s viter watch your backs cause (you made my day too.) with you are incredible, your you’ve been screwing with the brator and pleasure yourself boyfriend and I could only with it?? This personal is for that really imagine. Sincerely, Captain wrong people and your going to pay dearly for your mis- w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t hot muslim guy who was in my Commons takes. www.themedium.net organic chemistry class last TROOP 666: THERES summer. I just wanted to say NOTHING LIKE NATUthat you are very handsome RALLY BALD PUSSY and you will make someone very happy when you give them TROOP 666: PALESTINE that dick! if you by some AND ISREAL: FIGHT TO chance wanna give me that THE DEATH, ALL OF YOU dick, you should email me at fireyninja@yahoo.com. I will TROOP 666: make sure all of your sexual LIVE FREE OR DIE desires are take care of. And noone has to know about all TROOP 666: Reiligon is hell the hot sexual acts i will TROOP 666: America, perform for you and only you. America, the Troop will kill for think about it...hit me up next you. time you’re horny....l8tr to that really hot tall half jew: I To all you fuckin retarts with want your fine ass so bad, I the honda civics and accords, can’t wait till I can lay a hand they’re not fuckin race cars, get on you, but I won’t just lay one a fuckin clue. Stop putting gi- hand on you, i’ll rub both of my ant spoilers on your trunk since hands all over you and your that little piece of shit will never rock hard cock and lay my tight reach a speed that will make a wet pussy on it till you splurge spoiler necessary. And those with excitement because shitty exhausts, did u want your you’ve never felt pussy so tight car to sound like a go cart. before. meet me tonight for Now, lets talk about the stupid some harcore action... you’ll fuckin stickers on the wind- know where to find me. shield which say “Dodge, Nissan, Honda” DUH, I never (ohmigosh that personal was would have guessed, i thought so hot it made me ejaculate my pants.) it was a Viper. I don’t want to into leave out the brighest of the inIs this your ideal woman? boobs and an ass? dividuals, you know, those with Yeah, mine too, well come to a Meeting and see a car worth $200 but have what else we have in common with you. $2000 stereo’s in them that LSC 113 tonight 9 pm make the car rattle so bad that they sound like they might fall apart at any second. I almost what should i write? what forgot, to the absolute king of should i write? what should i retarts with the white dodge write? got no creativity no mo. neon who has strobe lights in the front of his/her car, GET A FUCKIN LIFE, U R H P C DATING GAME FUCKIN LOSER. To that blonde short hair girl in the G bus. It was Tuesday at 8:30 am. You were wearing a sort of blue jacket and you were reading a magazine that had Buffy in the cover. I just want to tell you that you looked gorgeous..you made my day!!
UNIBUTT@MAD.SCIENTIST.COM
Thursday, April 4th at the Red Lion Cafe 2-3 straight rounds, in addition to a gay/lesbian round featuring Mike Tolbert as MC winners will go on a paid dinner
To my <beautiful, wonderful> roommate: You <truly> smell <like roses>! I cannot stand being in the room with<out> you at the same time because you smell so <damn good>, it is really <orgasmic>. I am not the only one who thinks this, the whole <Denny’s> thinks it. I am going to send you <an IM greeting> just so you might get the hint. It is <as pleasant as eating spongecake>. I went out and I have bought like 10 cans of <Shit-In-A-Can>, yet still the smell just overwhelms the room. I was so <excited> that it was me who smelled like <tits>, but I’m <disappointed, yet happy> that I’ve realized its you. You <special friend>! Enjoy the <Peeps>. i <do> like to eat <jelly beans> cuz they come out of my <Easter bunny> and they taste like <goodness> Carol <Who> likes girls.
To the <angelfish> downstairs who doesn’t understand why I <love to watch her swim>: I <need> you. Just <understand> it, you are a <Wanda-esque beautiful fish> and <I> likes you. I would rather get <mauled> by a <baboon> and drink <warm soda> then <never see you swim again.>. You are a <stunning creature>. This goes to the <jizztacular> girl from Douglass who only talks about <Stimpy>. You are the most <enlightened> person I know. Do not ever <close your beautiful mouth> again!! Do not waste everyone’s time talking about <Ren>. And by the way-you look like a <angel rising above the clouds>!! FOR EACH TIME YOU <lovers> SEND ME A <kiss> I’M <returning the favor>! TAKE ME OFF <your waiting> LIST OR I WILL BE <very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad>. <very>
This goes out to all the <skinny people> in Quant class who won’t <show off your ribs more often>. You know who you are-<but I would like to get to know you better>. I would just like to let you all know that I hope you <pass> miserably. To John <Plus>, you are the <sexiest>, <white> man I know. Every week I <look forward to> reading your articles. I want to <massage your hair> and <tickle your feet> and slap you across the face with a <flower>. now please <slice the lettuce.> I, Richard Brady <Boblenz> do here <apologize> to the <members of the Jewish faith> for including hateful, scary personals towards <people of your religion>. It <won’t> happen again. I <promise> you all. this <isn’t> being written to fill space. i <can> promise you that. send some <fucking> personals so we can be <happy>
CRAZY COMPLETELY Tony - I have done nothing morally or emotionally to corrupt you...why do you feel the need to constantly listen to flickerstick? it made me want to crap my pants. please come out of your room and play strip poker with me and some wallabies i found down at mcgarry’s. i love you you little wee wee! (I learned recently that the B-52’s did the Rocko’s Modern Life theme song. Fuckin A!) DC is gay. All of the guys who try to go on there to get a date are gay...heck, if they’re looking in DC to get a date then heck, they must be gay. The only people you’ll find on there is a bunch of pathetic losers w i t h no lives. Darn DC hermits, just take up space.. some of them, too much space... Love you always, Temutsu Kori yo. (I’m just glad he’s not making fun of <Jewish people.> Then I’d be in real trouble. I love lesbians!!!) wwwwww.themedium.nettt
I want to know why everybody at Rutgers drives a fucking Eclipse? They’re everywhere: in the College Ave. deck. In the parking lots. Go by Seminary Place at any time and you’ll see 3 or 4 of them parked one behind the other. Then there’s the white convertible 2-door Mercedes, but that’s a nice fucking car so he’s out of this. But fuck those people in their suped-up Ford Tauruses. What a piece of shit! Get a base-model BMW for Christ’s sake. All that wasted money you people put into your parents’ left over car could buy a decent one even if you can’t afford power windows. Fuck Rutgers!
EVERY TIME YOU MASTURBATE, GOD KILLS A KITTEN! PLEASE THINK OF THE KITTENS! (Oh, don’t worry... I’m thinking of the kittens riiiiiiiiiiiiight now... mmmmm............yeah....)
The Ayatollah Granola says: To all you meat-lovers out there, the Ayatollah Granola says “Fuck You” for fucking up the natural balance, misinterpreting your own sacred texts (Genesis, Old Testament), and using up all the rest of the grain, water, and energy! (I have a motzah shaped like Moses. If that’s not kosher, then what is?) This goes out to the girl in my cog class. Yeah-the big class on Liv M-W. During the exam on Wednesday you looked like a fat cow. Hint-do not where really low jeans and a see through white shirt where your midriff shows if you are chunky! You looked like shit. Please spare us all next time and wear something that fits!!!!!!
LOOK DOWN FOR FUN! Has anyone seen my cock? It should be around here somewhere. I gotta go pee so i should be able to find it sooner or later. anyway, who likes gingersnaps? i don’t. so if you do, why don’t you just eat a lot of them and poop them out later. maybe your poop will smell like ginger snaps. or like dog food. i do like to eat food, though. maybe we all could hang out and eat food and poop it out and see if the poop smells like the food we ate. or maybe not, but i like food. and tv. tv is cool. but i only like to watch the simpsons and eat food. in any case poop. poop is not fun to throw at friends. however it is fun to throw it at enemies and others bring horror to the world like nazis or hardcore kids.
the following is a photograph of steven q. urkel, played by jaleel white. as he was (and still is) a hilarious sitcom character, you will laugh after you look at it.
OR!!!
EVERY TIME YOU KILL A KITTEN, GOD MASTURBATES (Yes. Yes I do.)
To all the Super Hot East/ South East Asian chicks on Busch: Fuck You for not datin’ outside your “races & shamassed religions.” Jokes on you though; by holding onto your (As the owner of a 93 Ford antiquated notions of race, you Taurus, I must say fuck you.) deprive your sons of the chance at healthy penises. Ha, okay thanks Ha Signed “Super Cock” (T’anks for nothin, Danny.) faggotry. everyday i wake up Be on the lookout for an ar- wanting faggotry to enter my ticle from yours truly, your soon life, and usually it does. how i to be leader/mentor/ wish faggotry could be a knowledge.sensai,YourBetter. part of everyone’s life, but hey Dad! it’s Bubba! yeah!
crushing my feet makes me feel like a girl (That’s hot.) I pity the cutie-pie Desi - Indian chicks who don’t date outside their “race.” I guess y’all must be addicted to mediocre dick & limp-lovin. Don’t be scared though, once you stop gettin stretched by Mr. Badcox, your honey pot will shrink back to “British” dimensions in about a month. Ha, Ha. Signed “Johnny Badcox & Jacque Richards” (At least you were politically correct and called them Indians. That was nice.) to teresa s., thank you for letting me come in your bedroom and have sex with you last monday. that was kind of fun. it is nice how i am not obliged to talk to you before or after the sex. so thanks!!!
ORIGINAL MADLIB SECTION!!!
To the little <Tony Gwynn> that used my pillow for <snuggling> purposes 2 nights ago: Son of a <queen>. That was my idea. Get your own <kitten> and use your own Justin Timberlake <slippers> ~Tipper
Personals
“Pork away, pal! Fuck her blue.”
Mittwoch, 3/4/02
if you did not laugh, and would like your own “hilarious” shit in this fine newspaper, send your personals to:
unibutt@mad.scientist.com there’s comedy, there’s high comedy, there’s trancendent comedy, and then there is the comedy that is rutgers! what a joke!
faggotry is only for faggots. (I know I’m laughing.)
Every day i like to start the day with a bowl of cereal cuz it has a lot of sugar and that is my favorite food. I love it because it is so good and it makes me not tired.One of my favorites is Count Chocula
Junior’s Page! to that fag that slept with me the other night and just left me: I can’t believe you did that! men are such assholes! By the way, your penis was smaller than half of my hand, good luck trying to find another willing contestant to sleep with you. i hate you, you stupid little prick. -from the red head to Jessie M. Cookiepussy, author of “DragQueen with Matches” in the Targum: what the fuck would a dragon do with matches, you idiot? dragons have FIRE BREATH. and if a dragon did not have fire breath, then it is the type of dragon that has no use for fire. you should learn a thing or two about dragons before you claim to be one. (you can tell from this message i think you’re a really deep girl) (I lit part of my hair on fire with matches on Thursday night. Why use a lighter? Well, because my dragon was at the cleaners!!! (Parenthesis inside parenthesis inside parenthesis: (This poor joking quality is probably why I am stuck writing personal responses instead of having an important editor position. Troy Crowder keeps me locked in a cage in his basement, taking me out only for hardcore anal sex. I can only pass the time by reading personals, trying to find some amusing quality in them in order to write a response. Sometimes I wish I could have my former life back, but then again, I fear I would miss the anal sex too much. Damn, Troy, you have a huge cock.I mean that sincerely.)))
“I’m growing a tree... a special kind of tree.” To my W2F5 expos teacher, goddamn you are so beautiful and nice. I would like to take you out of class one day and paint you. Paint you in the High Rennassiance style because your body is so much like those women. I think you mentioned that you were already married but that doesn’t matter! I love you deeply!
summer room available starting june 1. live on delafield street with two normal girls. hot, normal (disease free) girls. Liz via personals. (The words normal & disease-free don’t mix at) Rutgers... being that normal = disease-ridden.) im gay!
it’s always Wednesday... 04/03/02
to martin: that stupid fuck face who keeps tricking me about joining conversasian and quitting the paper. fuck you i hate you but i am still the devil so i dont care. eat your 8 inch penis love, carol
Look at all the black men lining up to get a piece of asian ass... the little asian girls want the biggest cocks available and the black men want the tightest pussies available, what a weird little fantasy world... rent it on DVD. Hey! Don’t forget to go to the Red Lion Cafe on Thursday April 4th!! A huge Dating Game is going on featuring 3 gay rounds, and they may even throw in a straight round! to marty mcfly why dont you shove a giant 8 inch dildo up your tight asshole so i can lick it and puke in your mouth afterwards <3 the asian (8-inch dildo? What a pussy! See, now that joke is funny on two levels. Number one: I refer to the pussy as a weakling, or wuss regard, saying that he is a wimp for only being able to take an 8-inch dildo. Number two: Pussy can, and usually does, mean vagina, which is what you normally shove a dildo up. So laugh!) to bitchard why are you so damn preciass? i wish i could just rip that smile right off that studly face of yours, you make me sick, sick enough to shove my finger in my urethra until it bleeds and i throw up of nausea and make you lick every little bit up like a little pussy cat (Preciass, just preciass.) to that tall hot redish blond haired cutie in my classical philosophy class with the a&f sweatshirt and adidas... come fuck me, you remind me of someone i like fucking a lot
to anna banana why dont you stop being so boy-crazy, come over tonight and i'll make you start being girl-crazy. i can't wait till i can lick that pussy until all the wetness overflows in my mouth (Hey, did anyone else have that jump rope booke that was called Anna Banana? Um, me either... No, it was my sister’s...) to that red headed gmg editor- i thought you were resigning - i wish you would have resigned earlier so i could take your position now i'm bitter and going to shoot a load in your mouth. love cocksucker to the EiC... stop molesting little boys (No, don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. For the love of god.) to my roommate: you're such a fucking slut, what's with the 20 guys over each week? are you running a brothel in my room? and are you the only whore? yeah that's real nice, too bad you can't find any cuties for me to fuck. (Nothing’s wrong with being a slut. There is something wrong with being gay, though. Mainly the fact that you’re gay.)
jockahomo aka supersperm: how's the wife and kids? nice job dude. way to go! to RU housing: you son of a bitches screwed over half the school. Good job on letting the assholes of the school cheat their way into East on Ave Apts. Fucking fuckers. fucking ru screw. welcome back to rutgers. (Going to Rutgers is a kick to the groin.) To that fag on the EE TTH.. i can't stand you at all. You're so fucking pathetic and so is that dog of a girl you hang out with. Does she only hang out with you because you give her doggy snacks? Dude.. do me a favor and don't take busses back to CAC.. from Douglass. No one likes you and we all want to throw you out of the bus while you're in it. (Hey, you know the scene in the Great Muppet Caper when they get thrown off the bus at the Happiness Hotel? Now that’s inspired comedy.) Abcdefg you are not as gay as me! (That’s true.)
to lily: congrats on getting into BFA. love carol (Bukkake Friends Association?) richard i want you to smile like that when i am ejaculating in your eye (I’m a smiley pie!)
Yo, if anyone wants to get some head from whores without herpes, you best go to the Douglass Student Center and say you’ll give any bitch $25 for a blow job.. $30 if she swallows. It works I swear. (That’s false.)
bobby did you have a kid yet? or did you get AIDS first? cause last time i checked you were dating a walking STD, or shall i say... STI... congrats on earning a disease, you deserve it you son of a bitch, j/k later dude (Man, he didn’t just get a disease... he EARNED it!)
Does anybody know where Dan is? (In my crotch.) the CAC comp lab smells!
As I write this, I will not know if Maryland or Indiana won it all... however when I read this on Wednesday, I will know. I feel very sorry for myself right now. Poor pathetic bastard.
Yo dumb ass expos teacher, learn to speaka the English. I can’t believe you teach the class when you can’t even speak properly. It’s also funny that you suck at teaching, why not contradict yourself a few more times in class. If I don’t pass the class I’m gona take a huge dump in a bag and put it in your mail box you whore!
What’s Shakin’
“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn Gina!!!”
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Somethin’ funky goin on Downtown...aka NYC Shit Wed 4/03 The Booda Velvets Arlene’s Grocery Wed 4/03 K-Floor Bitter End Wed 4/03 Catch 22 Knitting Factory Thu 4/04 Lisa Loeb Tower Records Thu 4/04 The Kingsbury Manx Bowery Ballroom Thu 4/04 E-Town Concrete C.B.G.B. Fri 4/05 Strangefolk Irving Plaza Fri 4/05 Sum 41 Roseland Fri 4/05 The Iguanas Mercury Lounge Sat 4/06 Ani DiFranco Carnegie Hall Sat 4/06 The Walkmen Knitting Factory Sat 4/06 HipHop Hoodios Makor Sun 4/07 Pissing Razors L’Amour Sun 4/07 Christopher Williams Living Room Sun 4/07 Cannibal Corpse L’Amour Mon 4/08 Millencolin Irving Plaza Mon 4/08 Peter Mulvey Makor Mon 4/08 Mary Prankster Mercury Lounge Tue 4/09 Alicia Keys Beacon Theatre Tue 4/09 Jamie Foxx Beacon Theatre Tue 4/09 Jay-Z Beacon Theatre Tue 4/09 P. Diddy Beacon Theatre Tue 4/09 George Clinton & Parliament The World
ON CAMPUS 4/3: Film: Memento RSC GSL 8pm $1 4/4: COMEDY: Runaway Shortbus RSC MPR 8pm Film: Rush Hour 2 LSC-CH 8pm CoffeeeHouse: Robin Greenstein BCC - IL 8pm 4/5: COMEDY: Runaway Shortbus RSC MPR 8pm 4/6: COMEDY: Runaway Shortbus BCC MPR 8pm Battle of the Bands LSC-CH 7:30 pm 4/7: Caribbean Festival LSC-CH 8pm 4/8: Capoiera @ Corwin Lodge 7:30pm 4/9:The ONION RSC MPR 8pm
What select members of the Womens Rugby Team learned in Savannah (asterisks indicate that WS may have been involved...): 1. Married men are fair game as long as their wives aren't in the same state*** 2. It's possible to get fingered with a tampon in, just go with it 3. Don't trade underwear with strangers - they might have skidmarks in them 4. WE GOT A BLEEDER - sexual orientation's not that big a deal when ya get down to it - most of us are equal opportunity grrrrrrls 5. Shawty Fat Fat is a good thing*** 6. I'm your SOCCER FANTASY*** 7. Living on Cheeseburgers and Beer isn't a bad thing*** 8. The size of a man is not proportional to the size of his uh...manliness... 9. When a cunnilingus-phile wants you to go back to his place - DON’T HESITATE*** 10. Come back NEXT YEAR!!!!!!! Bonus: Shake that Fat ass, fat girl!!!
NOTHING beats St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah : Cheeseburgers 85 Degree Weather Beer Daiquiris Beads Rugby Big Sweaty Shirtless Men Big Sweaty Shirtless Women
Check Check...NEW JERSEY...
Wed 4/03 B.B. King State Theatre Thu 4/04 Sum 41 Birch Hill Nite Club Fri 4/05 Dashboard Confessional Krome Sat 4/06 Opiate Packees Sun 4/07 Good Riddance Krome Mon 4/08 The Moody Blues State Theatre Tue 4/09 The White Stripes Birch Hill Nite Club