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Where’s Mayim Bialik? Busy being ugly, as usual.

The Entertainment Weekly of Six

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001 “Joey and Fran are not identical cousins.”--Patty Duke

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3/26/01, 10:33 PM

Volume XXXII Number 19


EDITORIALS

This Section Kills Woody Guthrie

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

Prejudice Against Nerds Must Stop

About the Cover

by Chris DeSarno

“No one is really going to be free until nerd persecution ends.”

Israeli-Palestinian relations reached an all-time low — Anthony “Gilbert” Edwards, M.D. on Monday when representatives Joseph Lawrence and Francis Lawrence met in Yorba Lounge on “Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity.” — Martin Luther King, Jr. Livingston Campus to resume discussions of peace. The Lawrence brothers, in the absence of the calming presence of former president William Jefferson It seems we, as a society have come a long way. No longer is racism, sexism, or prejudice against one’s sexual orientation overtly accepted in our daily lives Clinton, reportedly accomplished little. ... or so I thought. On closer inspection these strides just serve to show how far we have yet to go before every person is free to pursue life, liberty and the

Lawrence, the current president of a prestigious American dream. academic institution, said, “Fran just couldn’t bring I learned about a kind of prejudice which is often not talked about (and hence more venomous) after watching a documentary on Comedy Central called Reanything of value to the table.” The Medium would like to urge both Middle Eastern parties’ Lawrencian spokesmen to reopen the conversation at our next meeting, where tempers regularly fail to rise, in the Livingston Student Center, Room 113, at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, because peace is a worthwhile cause.

venge of the Nerds. This film follows the lives of two men, Gilbert and Lewis who embark on their freshman year at Adams College. The film documents persecution they’re forced to suffer through at the hands of their fellow students. Like most of us, they arrive at college with high hopes for what the future holds. Soon, these hopes are shattered as they are mercilessly tormented by the “jocks” of a popular fraternity on campus, Alpha Beta (I was actually considering joining a jock fraternity until I saw this film). The juvenile Nerds united in brotherhood. antics of these college creeps eventually leads to Not pictured above: sex appeal the destrution of the nerds’ home. Their only option? Fight back against the ogres of the world! As Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. said in 1967, “We must combine the toughness of the serpent and the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.” Indeed, Rev. King. Indeed ... The film shows us that these so-called nerds aren’t really so different from you or I. For instance, we get to see that one “nerd”, violin-playing Pointdexter (like most college students) has a love of music. And one especially charming “nerd” who we meet in the film, affectionately named “Booger” is a delightful fellow any one of us would be lucky to call friend. And what computer science student here at Rutgers honestly wouldn’t want to meet Lewis, a fellow computer enthusiast? In the end Lewis and his crew of misfits are accepted for who they are. If this uplifting documentary has a message it’s that we are all in some way “nerds” or “outcasts” … it’s each other’s differences that make us individuals and we should embrace them … and accept them in others. It is only by doing that will we ever truly be free.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

In the spirit of peace I’m printing the lyrics to Why Can’t We Be Friends ... a song with some extremely bizarre lyrics ... Why Can't We Be Friends by War Why can't we be friends? I seen you 'round for a long long time I really 'membered you when you drink my wine Why can't we be friends? I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown I called you but you could not look around Why can't we be friends? I bring my money to the welfare line I see you standing in it every time Why can't we be friends? The color of your skin don't matter to me As long as we can live in harmony Why can't we be friends? I'd kinda like to be the President so I can show you how your money's spent We Do Not Get Paid Why can't we be friends? by Christopher Taylor, EiC ??? Sometimes I don't speak right It has come to my attention lately that some people are under the impression that the staff of The when but yet I know whatwe I'm practice talking about Medium receives some form of financial compensation for the work that we do. While you may find Why to can't we be friends? the "Targum staff gets paid, so Medium staff gets paid" to be a clever piece of inductive deceive ... I know you're working for the CIA reasoning, it is patently false. We are a student organization, not a semi-independent they wouldn't have you in the Mafia non-profit corporation. We do not get paid. We could not get paid, even if we raised Why can't we be friends? enough funds through advertising or other sources, because of the rules that surround student organizations. We do what we do because we love the little paper that could. We love The Medium.

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

nonsense rubbish scribble balderdash poppycock gibberish

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

bombast drivel silliness Page 11 What’s Shakin’

Cover by: Chris “jimdave” Taylor

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THE

MEDIUM

Ingredients

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Christopher Taylor Jay Postelnik Jessica Chandra Chris DeSarno Martin Babitz Mike Ryan Amanda Hoffman Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Macademia Editor Senior Editor

Rachel Beckman Ryan Beckman Michelle Salvaggio Mike Molino Amy Groark James Kohl Amy Groark Amanda Hoffman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. shave and a hiarcut

3/27/01, 2:15 AM


Medium’s The Targum Laurels and Darts

Andre the GIANT

by Martin Babitz

Yesterday, a bunch of people remarked on my new breasts. I recently had them “enhanced,” billing my HMO for the surgery, under the statement that they were absolutely integral to my self-esteem. It took a while, but sure as shootin’, they covered the cost… earning them a Laurel. But the people who keep staring at my now-remarkable cleavage receive Darts. University President Francis Lawrence is an extremely unpopular figure amongst the student body. In an effort to both bow to popular opinion and jump on the bandwagon, that racist, toupee wearing, fatty receives a Dart. Rutgers, after a number of years of pathetic deal-brokering (Ben Folds Five, anyone?), finally signed Radiohead, an A-list band, for their concert series, earning a long-delayed Laurel. But for actually liking Radiohead, trendily introspective college students across America receive Darts. Renovations to the Bishop Quad on College Avenue have been inconveniencing residents since day one. For opting for a change from outrage to apathy, the residents receive the Business as Usual award.

“His heart was as big as a man’s twice his size ...”

R.I.P 1946 - 1993

Submit opinion articles to desarnoc@eden.rutgers.edu ‘cause the giant would’ve wanted it that way

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http://www.themedium.net

Connect with RutChem in His Holy Place or DON’T Really Do This by Aija McKenzie “Chemistry...helps us to comprehend the nature of environment, our universe, and ourselves.” This “inspiring” statement is found on page 1 in the General Chemistry textbook of every Chem student at Rutgers University. As positive as this statement is, the Chemistry department has taken a turn for the worse as students continue to do horribly on exams. As a freshman as well as a science major (depending on whether I pass this class), I have decided that the traditional method of taking a Chem course is all wrong. Your average student goes to a couple lectures every now and then, recitation, sometimes homework - the usual. That’s what needs to be changed. Don’t follow the smart kids and go to all the classes - that’s boring, and you probably won’t pay attention, anyway. What you must do is seek out RutChem Himself. This requires some soul searching, and possibly hallucinogens (created in Chemlab, of course). The ideal place for channeling RutChem is in Wright-Rieman Labs, on Busch Campus. Clear some space, and sit cross-legged on the floor. To purify yourself, have a few open flasks or benzene, formaldehyde, and chloroform close by…the aromas will be pleasing to almighty RutChem. They will also help you get to that higher level of academic awareness that you’ve needed to achieve for so long. Dangerous, you say? No, I’ve done this a zillion times (twitch twitch). After you’re on this new, higher plane, everything’s a-ok…just walk hand in hand with Him, enjoy the pretty colors… He will take you to His sanctuary. After doing this, say, once daily for a week, even if you don’t get an A on your next Chem exam, you’ll enjoy the time that you and RutChem spend together. In fact, you might enjoy it so much, that you spend all your time visiting Him…there’s nothing wrong with that, though (twitch twitch). Have fun! And Peace to the God!

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3-Ops-3-28-01.p65

my mo the r

never forget

George W. Bush, the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, has said something stupid this week. He has also made efforts to provoke another once-friendly superpower. For not seeing these situations coming months and months ago, the entire population of the United States receives a shower of Darts.

Due to current copyright laws Mr. Clean, a respectable corporate icon, will be unable to appear in the pages of The Medium. Instead I, Mr. Unsoiled (an original character) am appearing in his place. Regardless, please come to a Medium Meeting. Wednesday, 9:30pm. Livingston Student Center, Rm. 113

OPINIONS

“... the elder Beckman ...”

never forget

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

1

3/27/01, 2:19 AM


Clean NEWS 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Robert Wood-Johnson Announces Purchase of Melody Bar 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 IHOP Dumps Coffee Early 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Announces Plan for Use as “Giant Waste Receptacle,” “Ha Ha Ha,” says 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Hospital Director 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Local Java Junkie Screams in Parking Lot 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 By Martin Babitz, News Ed. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 By Christopher Taylor 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 New Brunswick— After last week’s closing of the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Melody Bar, the historic 20-year old French Street bar/ EAST BRUNSWICK—The International House of Pancakes, known for 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 club, Robert Wood-Johnson Hospital announced that it 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 its non-temporalized breakfasts and syrup quartets, failed to live up to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 would be purchasing the building and turning it into a its midnight closing time by pouring out its last Cup of Joe at half past 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 large storage receptacle for the hospital’s particularly 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 ten last Saturday evening. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 dangerous and harmful waste. Originally held off by 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 the refusal of the bar’s owners to sell, infighting caused 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 “The television told me that ‘anytime is a good time for IHOP!’ The 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 the closure of the bar, and it’s subsequent purchase. closed sign on Friday told me that I should not attempt to come between 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12 AM and 6 AM,” stated caffeine addict and night dweller Christopher 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 Having had to wait a number of years for the pur12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Taylor. “But the 10:30 [PM] arabica death told me that no time is a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 “It isn’t like you pan12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 chase of the property, the Hospital rubbed its collec- sies aren’t familiar 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 good time for IHOP. Or at least not for vampyres.” Taylor then went 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 tive hands together, and decided that it would be “more back to yelling obscenities to the restaurant’s patrons and employees. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 with foul diseases! 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 delicious” for the much-loved bar to become the site Yuk yuk! Oh, ouch 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 of the most “vile things that we [RWJ Hospital] have now my sides hurt!” 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 The manager at the East Brunswick franchise failed to apologize to the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 to offer,” stated Director Johnson Wilson to the AP upset potential customer, and completely missed the opportunity to 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 last week. “Ha Ha Ha, you little bitches.” Wilson then pantomimed a little provide a consolation sample of the new limited edition entrée Cinna123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 dance over the imagined grave of the bar. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 mon Swirl French Toast. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 “Well the Melody wasn’t going to sell, they weren’t going to sell, and then poof!, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Mir Returns to Earth 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 there was a lock on the door, and a sign that said they were totally closed. I mean, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 what the fuck?!?” said third-year Mason Gross student Radja Paroosh. “This is 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 like that time that Robert Wood bought my Grandmother’s nursing home and 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 "It's great to be back!" Shouts Crashed Space Station 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 turned it into a parking lot, except that didn’t really actually effect me.” 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Paroosh went on to explain that the closing had absolutely nothing to do with a by Troy Crowder, Medium staff 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 reduction in the bar’s popularity. “On Tuesday nights you couldn’t even get in, it 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 was so goddamn packed in there. If you could make it in, maybe, just maybe you FIJI--In a press conference on Saturday, the Russian Space Station Mir announced 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 could pull yourself upstairs if you were lucky. It’s sad to think that now the reason that it was pleased to be back on Earth after a 15-year absence. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 you wouldn’t be able to get around inside is because of the paralyzing effect of all 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 that incredibly infectious medical waste.” "Woo-whee! What a ride that was!" said the space station, between sips of 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 ginger ale at the Fiji press conference. "Got pretty hot up there for a while but that 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Also shaken by the Bar’s sudden closing was Brian Hansen, a 1998 graduate of water sure cooled me off!" 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 the University. “We figured that if there was time we could have saved the bar 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 again.” Hansen was responsible for two previous rescues of the Melody, once by Laughing, flirting, shamelessly mugging for cameras, Mir showed the charisma 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 way of an underdog winning of the Nantucket Regatta in the mid-nineties, and and gumption that kept it orbiting the planet for so long and brought it down with 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 once by enlisting the aid of Jim Varney his ragtag group of misfits to build a toilet- such style. It was pleased that it's landing didn't hit anybody. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 catapult, deterring the RWJ reps’ purchase and development of the bar’s land. 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 “I’ve spoken to [Varney’s friend] Vern, and unfortunately that old Ernest magic is "Yeah, that would have been a major drag. Lucky for me no one was out in 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 gone. Damn you, Robert Wood-Johnson.” 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 that part of the water," Mir said. "Did you hear me? I was yelling 'Look out 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 below!' on my way down." 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Renovation of the Melody is to begin immediately, with the former second story’s 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 dance floor slated to become the storage area for barrels of infectious medical 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 It said it never thought of crashing to the ocean as a goal, because "my job was to 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 waste, and the large first floor bar to be torn out and burned in a victory cer12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 stay in space and hold cosmonauts, not to mention the occasional astronaut." 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 emony in the middle of French Street. The ceremony will feature laughing and 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 pointing from Hospital Chairmen, and possible urination onto the “Melody Bar” It was asked if the rumor was true about making a political statement in its 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 sign that hung outside of the building, not to mention a performance by the popu- descent. "Are you kidding? Honey, when you're falling that fast you don't have 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 lar music group Barbuda, also slated for purchase. time to get political." 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 Former Melody patrons are invited to attend the other bars New Brunswick has 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 It was asked if it regretted not being in space anymore. "Well, some of the views 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 to offer for half off watery domestic draft beer during happy hour, and free 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 were nice, especially over some of the beaches. Then again, there was that time 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 popcorn. I was stuck over the Phish concert. Not a pretty sight." 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345 “Hey, y’know what’d be funny? No? Me either.”

No Offense by Ryan Beckman Yesterday an anonymous call was made to RUPD. When the police arrived at the residence of a Mr. Farley they saw a tense scene. Two men had gotten into an argument and apparently insulting words were exchanged in regards to Mr. Farley’s mother. The name caller, Jimmy Kim, hadn’t intended upon angering the considerably larger Troy Farley. The police were able to pry Farley’s massive hands off of Jimmy’s neck, but Troy began screaming, “The police can’t protect you forever Jimmy, and when they’re gone… you’re mine!” Once Troy was locked up in the back of the police car Jimmy approached the two officers. Apparently the boys in blue gave him some good advice. Jimmy walked up to the car window that Troy was closest to and said, “No offense.” Immediately the mood lightened up. Jimmy refused to press charges and Mr. Farley was actually seen giving him a back rub later that evening.

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Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

Several reporters addressed the issue of whether Mir had actually hit the target left in the ocean by fast food company Taco Bell. "Oh yeah, I've heard those rumors. People are saying that Taco Bell is lying so they don't have to buy everyone tacos, right? Well, I didn't hit any sign. It would have been nice, but it just didn't happen." Sources say otherwise. "Hey man, I don’t trust this company," said the source, speaking under conditions of anonymity. "They done me wrong, man, and I know they'd rip off the American people if they had the chance. Now are you gonna give me a chalupa or what?" Mir answered questions for about 2 hours before pleading fatigue and retiring for the evening. Mir's future schedule includes speaking appearances, signing autographs at science fiction conventions, and writing its memoirs.

3/27/01, 1:14 AM


Wednesday, March 28th, 2001 This area is for sale! Any local businesses interested in advertising within the newly-sanitary M e d i u m should contact our Ad Mgr., Amy Groark at SAC Cubicle N, or by phone at (732) 373-7085.

Night Monkeys Run Amok Cages® Save Day By Christopher Taylor

NEW ORLEANS—A group of nocturnal primates escaped from the Audubon Zoological Gardens last Thursday evening for a “hoot hoot hoot hoot hahoot hoot hoooooot,” which roughly translates to “night getting trashed on Bourbon Street.” The wandering males, unusually in a packlike formation, caught the St. Charles Streetcar near the park and traveled to the end of the line at Canal Street before hooting loudly at the full moon from the balconies that overlook Bourbon. Several managed to procure leftover Mardi Gras beads from passing vacationers by shaving their chest hair. Others stole an alcoholic beverage machine filled with frozen Hurricanes, a New Orleans specialty, and planted it atop blues bar The Funky Pirate. The remaining night monkeys feasted on the leaves of Pat O’Brien’s courtyard trees. City officials took note of the South American immigrants’ antics, and resolved to intervene “if anything unusual occurred.” When the monkeys began to eat the hair of several tourists, the NOPD acted. “We contacted the zoo. They supplied us with a new product called a ‘cage’ in which to place the offending primates. It was a sort of portable jail cell,” explained Sergeant Raul Hendrix. “We have ordered several hundred for our own future purposes.” Useful Products, Incorporated, the makers of Cages® commented that “their product would be appropriate throughout the country for animal captures or on-the-spot detainment” of some of the less violent blends of criminals. UPI promised that “the success of Cages® in this incident was not accidental. They are truly a good product.”

Clean NEWS

“Gabba Gabba Hey.”

Ad Space Not for Sale (Do not read)

American Schools to Halt Issuing of Firearms to Disturbed Loners “Don’t Tread on Me” Program Found to Have Surprising Role in Violence

1

Campus Cock Fighting to be Limited, Possibly Banned Protesters Gain Ruling from U. by Brian Benson

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark policy shift, the Federal Government decided to pull the plug on its “Don’t Tread on Me” Program, after several instances of violence were found to have occurred involving weapons distributed by guidance councilors to quietly disturbed loners. The program, operating under the belief that toting high-powered, semi-automatic firearms would raise self-esteem in the youngsters was found to have played a role in numerous shootings across the country.

“Don’t Tread on Me”, initiated in 1986 as an inner city effort to help keep young people off dope, was originally thought out to be not only an effective way to “Just Say No,” but as a healthy way for kids to eliminate drug pushers from their communities during afterschool programs. Later, it was restructured to include an intensive program in gun care and oiling, and in the early nineties, the program was extended to the entire country, with target pictures of Saddam Hussein distributed to replace the previous Heavy Metal edition “Have a Nice Day” smiley face w/bullet hole. Later, the program, following a suggestion from parents, began proposing the use of firearms for playground dispute settlement situations. But in recent years, “Tread” as it has been dubbed has come under fire as having had an unexpected role in violent acts involving non-sanctioned shootings. “This is clearly a Second Amendment issue,” stated NRA President Charlton Heston, “our schoolchildren should have the ability, nay, the right to carry whatever kinds of weapons they wish. To remove this right from our nation’s youth is to strip away the core of what makes us Americans. What the Federal Government is doing in removing the right to tote guns, is to remove them from kids who wield them responsibly, because of a select few who have been less than discreet about who they shoot.” He then raised an assault rifle over his head and shouted: “From my cold, dead hands!” Disturbed loners who have not yet been provided a gun need not be concerned, as they readily available in any Wal-Mart, K-Mart, or dresser drawer (underneath the Playboys and socks) across the country.

Come to a Medium meeting LSC 113, Wednesday at 9:30 to attend a lecture from Prof. Egon “tell[ing us] about the Twinkie.”

Send non-twinkie related The AWOL night monkeys were returned submissions to: to the Audubon Zoo later that evening, just in time for the regularly scheduled morning prometus@hotmail.com feeding.

5-N2-3-28-01.p65

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3/26/01, 11:35 PM

COLLEGE AVE— The proud Rutgers tra dition of cock fighting may soon be a thing of the past. The University’s board of Governors ruled on Monday that the popular sport of pitting two roosters in a fight to the death for gambling purposes would now only be allowed on Friday eve- Our pledge nings on Cook campus, instead of the cur- to you: cock now means rent schedule of fights Friday through rooster. Sunday on all campuses. The board is rumored to be leaning toward a full ban on the animal bloodsport by next fall, due mostly to protests from those hippy tree hugging animal rights weirdoes. Robert Costello, the owner of the biggest cock on campus, is upset by the new measures. “My cock is undefeated this season, I’ve seen him peck the eyes and livers out of roosters stronger and faster than him, how can he defend his title now?” The new pressure to ban cock fights has been aided by last weeks firing of men’s basketball coach Kevin Bannon, a cock fight regular and celebrity cock fight referee. Bannon was said to be such an avid fan that he would many times bring his cock to practice and let star player Todd Billet play with it. The cock fight controversy isn’t the first animal torture for sport trouble in school history, In 1996 bear bating the sport where bears are blinded, declawed and eaten by dogs, was forced out of it’s home on Busch campus after student protests, and one of the dogs eating a baby. The next scheduled cock fight hearing is Wednesday night at 9:30 in the LSC, room 113. (I think we should alter our defintition of clean to include funny uses of the word“cock,” anything from Brian Benson, and all articles that feature the phrase “Wednesday night at 9:30 in the LSC, room 113”) - Ed.

Yoo-Hoo Declared Tastiest Beverage Ever By Ryan Beckman

It has been a well known fact for centuries that YooHoo is the most thirst quenching chocolate milk available, but it is often questioned, “Is this the tastiest beverage ever?” The answer… yes. Scrolls have recently be uncovered written by the big man himself… you got it, Jesus Christ. These scrolls give a detailed account of the preparations Jesus took for his Last Supper. In them Jesus says, “I went to the market today to buy the food and drinks for my final supper. I wanted to pick up some Yoo-Hoo, it always seems to bring everyone’s spirits so much higher, but wouldn’t ya know it, they sold out. I’m the son of god and I can’t even get a lousy case of Yoo-Hoo, I’m glad I’m getting out of this place soon.” After hearing this the advertisers for Yoo-Hoo were brainstorming and trying to come up with a better slogan than, “If only milk tasted this good”. The company decided to sell two different packaging of the drink. The slogan targeted towards Christians says, “You almost got to drink this in church”. The Yoo-Hoo packaging for areas with large Jewish populations say, “The drink of choice for Jews for 2000 years (no pork added)”. The Yoo-Hoo company stated, “Christianity and Judaism are the only two religions that really count so there is no marketing for those other, less important ones.” Fin


GMG

“Allright! This is the best issue ever!”

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

The Medium’s

Where teens like you speak out about the issues affecting today’s teens! Recently, The Medium sat down with a diverse cross-section of Rutgers University teens for some “straight talk” about the issues that affect college teens at the HUB Teen Center on Morris Street. Why should you care about what they have to say? Because they’re all super-cool, super-smart, they have a lot of interesting things to say about the issues affecting today’s college teens, and they’re all a lot like you. Here’s the 411 on who we talked with:

Art Dowling, 19. Art makes a lot of great plays, both on the ball field and in the classroom. He’s made the Dean’s List in the three full semesters he’s been at Rutgers, and he’s the starting quarterback on Rutgers’ football team. Go Wildcats!

Stacy Faulkner, 18. Stacy is a Rutgers College first year student who’s still trying to find her way around. She plans to major in physics and mathematics, and volunteers with inner city children, tutoring them in physics and mathematics.

Arlene Spectre, 18. Arlene has had a tough time dealing with things since her parents got divorced four years ago. For her, music is the best medicine, and her prescription calls for high dosages of the free-spirited rock ‘n’ roll of KMFDM and Marilyn Manson.

Ernie Holmes, 19. Ernie enjoys hacky sack and playing his acoustic guitar on the Voorhees Mall, when the weather is good. He’s living in a house in Spring Lake on a winter lease with 18 of his friends. He hopes to someday work as an IRS agent, and is working on degrees in business and accounting.

The Medium: What was the hardest thing about adjusting to college? Art Dowling: There’s a lot of pressure on student athletes. Coach says we all need to get really good grades, because football is a natural extension of Rutgers’s long tradition of academic excellence. When we’re out there on the field, people to say, “Hey, those guys play pretty good football, and this reflects very highly upon Rutgers as an academic institution.” If you can’t talk the talk, don’t walk the walk, or in this case, if you can’t get good grades, we don’t want you on our team. It’s pretty tough, though, when you have four hours of practice a day. Stacy Faulkner: I find I have a lot more free time in my schedule, and it’s tough to keep busy. The classes are a lot smaller than they were in high school, and the professors explain everything so clearly here, in perfect, intelligible English. And when I go to recitation, the TAs are a lot more competent than a lot of professors are at other colleges. The combination of these factors speeds up the learning process to the point where we can learn everything in class, without spending so much as a minute studying. Arlene Spectre: It seems really hard finding people here who really understand me. I mean, it seems like everyone here is just so happy, I mean we’re in the midst of a thriving, prospering city at one of the best universities in the country, and it everyone seems to have their whole life figured out. I still don’t know what I’m going to major in, while most of the first year students have companies banging on their doors to offer them jobs after they finish up their four, and sometimes even three years here. Ernie Holmes: Yo, man, it’s really hard living 6 to a room in Spring Lake and being on a budget besides. And my roommates are all strapped, too, and none of them will talk to me since my grow lights keep them up at night and add about a hundred bucks a month to the electric bill. But I’m good for it; the lot scene at moe.’s going to be killer, and I’ve got a plan to make a fortune selling my patented veggie burritos. TM: A lot of college teens experiment with premarital sexual intercourse. Have any of you ever considered experimenting with premarital sexual intercourse? AD: No way, man, I have a lot riding on my college experience. I hope to someday make something of myself. Have you ever heard of a football player with a kid, or with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) for that matter? No, and there’s a good reason for that. There’s just too much at stake. SF: Me, neither. I’ve heard a lot of kids in my physics and mathematics classes talk about “going all the way.” I’m Republican, and the Republican Party is kind of like a church that doesn’t look very kindly upon members who have abortions. I have a lot of love to give, and it’s already hard enough trying to divide my love between the subjects of physics and mathematics. This distribution of love problem would be further compounded with the addition of a child, and hence this is an eventuality I’m trying desperately to avoid. I’m aware there are many effective methods of birth control, but they all have associated with them nonzero probabilities of failure. AS: I thought my parents were perfect for each other until they got divorced when I was 14. I guess the lesson that I’ve learned from that experience is that you can never count on someone being the right guy for you, and breaking up is horrible if you have a kid. This is why I’m not going to have sexual intercourse until I’m married, which will probably not happen until I’m in my late 20s, unless of course it’s with another girl. EH: Hey, it’s just not worth it. I mean, you do get a $500 tax credit for each child, provided that 1) They are claimed as your dependent, 2) They were under 17 as of the end of the previous year, 3) they are your son, daughter, descendent of a child, stepchild or foster child and 4) they are a US citizen or resident. But when you add up the costs of raising a child, you’ll almost always wind up losing money. TM: A lot of college teens experiment with drugs. Have any of you ever considered experimenting with drugs? AD: Never. Coach says we need to keep our minds and our bodies in top condition. We all face problems, but I was taught to face them head-on. If life seems like it’s too much for me to handle, I like to alleviate the stress by exercising my Constitutionally-protected right to bear arms, and also by firing some of those arms at one or more of the deer that overpopulate this region. SF: I don’t think I would ever use drugs. I “get high” on solving difficult problems on the board in my physics class, and by solving difficult problems on the board in my mathematics class. I couldn’t have just said, “I ‘get high’ on solving difficult problems on the board in my physics and mathematics classes” because they’re different boards. AS: I would never use drugs. I mean, marijuana use makes your complexion darker, and I’ve spend the past few years developing an unhealthy pallor by avoiding the sun and bleaching my skin. Also, marijuana users gain a lot of weight because of the food they eat when they get the “munchies,” and if I stopped being anorexic, then my father would stop paying attention to me. EH: Drugs are for losers, man. If you listen to the music of the Grateful Dead, Phish, and moe., I’m sure you’ll agree that it sounds just fine the way it is, and that any attempt to enhance it with drugs would ruin it. Of course, this doesn’t explain why 99% of hippies are drug users, nor does it explain the fact that hippies, moreso than any other subculture, are known for their drug use.

6-GMG-3-28-01.p65

1

3/27/01, 3:30 AM


FEATURES

“Wishes do come true!”

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

A Public Apology to the RIAA

Sharing With Grandma

by Michael Wyzard, Thief

by Toosie Tulips

I would like to use this forum to make a public apology to the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) for my recent use of the file-sharing application known as Napster. Following their recent victory in the courts, where Napster was ordered to block the electronic sharing of copyrighted songs, it has become ever more clear to me that my use of Napster was theft, pure and simple. While I have long been making recordings and trading and giving away tapes of music that I own, I now know that it is wrong to do so when the recordings in question are digital MP3 files. You see, these are very high-quality recordings and nearly identical duplicates of the originals, which are the property of the member companies of the RIAA. The artists who wrote, recorded, and provided all the aesthetic and entertaining content of these original recordings do not own them due to common practice of the recording industry. As this is a long-held tradition it is important that it be abided by, despite the claims by the recording artists that they deserve the rights to the music they have slaved over and brought into the world (many artists even consider the music ‘theirs’). Therefore, I should do with these recordings as the RIAA tells me to; in this case, it means I will not use Napster to share music with, or copy music from, others. As I became aware of these deep truths, it was painfully obvious that I was in the wrong for using Napster, even if it was to get music files of songs I already owned recordings of. Regret has a tight hold of my heart now as I think of the damage I have done to the RIAA. Through some miracle, music sales since Napster’s inception have climbed and the industry has not fallen to the dust for want of their hard-earned profits. I am ashamed to think of all the money that I made Napster while I used their evil service. While I have this venue, I would also like to thank the RIAA for bringing me so much great music. It was through their efforts that my life has been so enriched. It warms my heart greatly to know that the majority of the profits of recordings I have bought have gone to the recording companies, rather than the artists who created the recordings. The member companies of the RIAA, with their creative and forceful marketing and distribution of the product, are the ones who truly deserve to reap the rewards of the sales. In closing, I hope the RIAA will accept my humble apologies. I will cease using Napster and any other similar applications effective forthwith. I am also willing to return the music I bought after first hearing it through Napster if that is in their wish. I pray they will be merciful with me and allow me to consume their fine products for many years to come, should the foolish artists not interfere with my relationship with these fine and honorable recording companies.

People nowadays think having a good time means enjoying some sort of sexual or violent form of entertainment. Personally, I think that people need to throw these unhappy feelings into the trash bin! Don’t forget to recycle all those metallic and plastic bestial emotions! Hee Hee! Okay, I’ll stop the silliness here because I want to talk to you about something serious for a moment. These times can be so scary. Everyday you hear nothing but tragedies of youth violence and even promiscuity. What is one supposed to do to escape these bad elements in this terrifying world? The answer just might be right under your nose. It may not even be as boring as could seem. How about trying a little family fun! Now I know what you’re all probably thinking. Spending time with your family is just not cool anymore. Hanging out with your relatives is just asking for isolation from your cooler peers. Then again, when was the last time you actually spent “chilling” with your grandmother? You probably can’t even remember it! You were probably dragged kicking and screaming over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house. Remember, that with all the school violence the television has been telling you about you’re last few days in school were probably spent being dragged kicking and screaming to your daily beating by a school gang. So what am I hinting at? Well, now that you are a little older and wiser (and yes you are, don’t hide it!), why don’t you give your grandma another try? She cares about you awfully much. Don’t you think that maybe its time you returned some of the love? I think you may find yourself having the time of your life! I visit my grandma, or bubby as I affectionately refer to her, at least twice a week. I just love hearing about all the stories my grandma tells me about life in her times, in the “old country”. I must admit that I really appreciate my Grandma’s advice. It can be hard to make decisions these days and having someone so experienced and wise give you direction is absolutely priceless. Sometimes I’m even lucky enough to hear about my own mother’s naughty escapades when she was a little child! I can’t believe my mom once put three pounds of peanut butter on my uncle’s head (I’m sorry Mom I had to tell them!). My grandmother and I have so much to share and I just love every moment of it! See you really can have a good time just spending time with your grandmother. I’m sure this would work with other unlikely to be popular family members as well. So, the next time you are about to pick up a Limp Bizkit or Creed CD at the mall with your pierced dreadlocked friend, why don’t you do something a little different, a little risqué even! Go to your grandma’s house! Dedicated to my Grandma with all my heart!

You? That’s right, The Medium is looking for talented artists who want their work seen by 6000 people a week. Show up to a meeting if you think you’ve got the right stuff, or email someone on the staff. Show up to the Medium meeting tonight at 9:30 in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Meet the men and women of The Medium through a series of ice-breakers that will leave you with a smile on your face. Send any and all Features articles to mgryan@eden.

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3/27/01, 3:33 AM


ARTS

“The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”

Wednesday, March 28, 2001

Alternative Women’s Studies: Tania, the Forgotten Guerrilla ---by j'buddha As historians modify the narration of early American history to include more women, it's sad to see how many women are still forgotten in the telling of modern history of the Americas. Case in point: When talking about the development of communism in Cuba, American history books recognize Che Guevara and Fidel Castro as primary leaders of the campaign for "freedom". However, the important influence of Tamara Bunke, known to Cubans as Tania, has often been forgotten. Tamara-Haydée Bunke was born on November 19th, 1937 in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Her parents were German communists who immigrated to Argentina in order to avoid Hitler's political and religious persecution. Her mother was Jewish and taught Russian. It was no surprise that Bunke grew up learning to speak four different languages fluently. She learned Spanish and English in her Argentinan schools and German from home. Her mother also trained her to speak Russian and she even knew some Hebrew. So adept at languages, she became an interpretor and translator in 1956. By that time, she had moved with her family to the German Democratic Republic. There she worked with the German Socialist Party and became fluent in Marxist-Lenin rhetoric. It was during Bunke's work as a German-Spanish translator, that she became acquainted with the struggles of Cuba. When the Cuban ballet visited East Germany in 1960, she was hired as their translators. She was so enthralled with the Cuban struggle, that she insisted that they take her back with them. One of the ballet dancers wanted to stay in East Germany longer, so he gave Bunke his airplane ticket. Upon immigrating to Cuba, Bunke immediately showed her determination to become a communist leader. Che Guevara described the wonder of her happy, bright, and energetic character. Between 1961 and 1963 she took a prestigious role as translator for the Ministry of Education. By 1962 she translated Marx-Engles' "Das Kapital" into the first Spanish version. In 1963, she was promoted to work for national publicity and international affairs on the Cuban radio. She also wrote patriotic songs for the communist revolution. At the same time she became an integral member of the revolutionary movement. Aside from processing mail and maintaining food and medicine supplies, she prepared for guerrilla warfare. She assumed the name Tania to prevent information leaks to her friends and family. In 1964, Bunke sent a letter to her parents informing them that she had found a suitable husband, but that she would not marry him until she had achieved victory in the revolution. Bunke worried that settling down and raising a family would deter the progress of communism in South America. Later that same year, Che Guevara called Bunke into his office to congratulate her and promote her to the highest ranks of the revolutionary force. Bunke would become a spy and guerrilla warrior. However, she had first to complete a series of training operations. The Cuban government sent Bunke to Europe, such that she would learn the art of being bourgeois. With false passports, she assumed the identity of Haydée Bide Gonzalez. As part of her mission, she had to acquire an understanding of the contemporary European environment and take pictures of herself

Oscar Swooned Over Gladiator; Oscar Must Die By Gene Rogers I am not entertained. The Academy ogled over Russell Crowe like the recently demoted Ralph Cifaretto, much to the irritation of the rest of the critical family, throwing Gladiator six more bones than it deserved. The Academy, thus, (and Ridley Scott, while we’re sentencing) should be put out to pasture with the rest of the crowd pleasers. If I wanted the critics to recognize the fun films, I would have been more upset about Road Trip being overlooked for a Best Picture nod. People are capable of determining which films were enjoyable on their own. I enjoyed watching the newest Spartacus homage not as a piece of cinematic history, not as a critical achievement, but as a brilliant confection more akin to previous winner Forrest Gump than Braveheart. The way to tell the difference? Watch it fourteen times and see how your stomach feels. Oscar has lost his digestive tract to the corrosive Hollywood treacle. The Box Office has spoken, says Oscar. But the people are not sane, and often spend their dollars unwisely. Who shall save us from The Patriot if Oscar has fallen? I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

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with an eldery couple that she would call her parents. She also had to learn special signals that would allow her to meet with fellow communist spies. She became fluent in French during these travels. Her memoirs of Europe provide an interesting reflection of the bourgeois European environment. She often complained about the cultural perceptions of gender role activities in Europe. She noted that in some countries she could casually talk to any man, but in others she could not talk to a man without him trying to seduce her. She noted how dominate religious corporations affected the lives of the people. She also provided many accounts of how the lumpen in bourgeois society would sell-out members of their own predicament to receive money and bribes from the police. During her travels, she had met many people who supported the movement, but the vast majority were "simply alive---or perhaps not even alive." Thus, she complained about how apathy destroy civic commitments in bourgeois societies. Toward the end of 1964, Bunke left Europe for Latin America. She bore the falsified passport of Laura Gutiérrez Bauer. Through an unexpected encounter with the Argentinian Emassador of Bolivia, who tried to seduce her, she managed to gain the embassy's recognition as a Argentinian citizen. Thereafter, she became an advisor to Bolivian newspapers, many contending Falangist ideologies. At the same time, Bunke struggled to gain a true identity. Saying that she had lost her identification card, she bribed the police with 10,000 Bolivian pesos (equivalent to 1 US dollar in 1966) and received a true identification card and a certificate of good behavior. While in Bolivia, she assumed a job as a teacher and volunteered on the Ministry of Education's Folklore Researchers' Committee. Through such government interloping she managed to get documents that would allow Che Guevara to enter the country. Eventually one of her students proposed to marry her. In order to ascertain full legal privileges in Bolivia, Bunke considered accepting his proposal. She attempted to make arrangements so that she could send him away on a study abroad program after they eloped. She also received academic recognition that helped her remain in Bolivia, especially for recording the native folksongs of peasants in the Bolivian mountains. When Che Guevara arrived in Bolivia, Bunke joined his forces to rebel against the Bolivian government. The men of the unit encouraged her to work as a spy, but she was determined to become a soldier. When many members of the troop became ill, she continued to march with Che despite having a fever over 102°. On August 31, 1967, Tamara Bunke took a bullet to the lung while crossing a river near Vado del Yeso. Downstream her body was found dead. The Bolivian army gave her a Christian funeral and buried her body in a Vado del Yeso cemetary. The spirit of Tania, the guerrilla role of Tamara Bunke, lives in communist art. Many contemporary painters depict communist struggle with Che and Tania standing beside each other. Fidel Castro still recognizes Tania as a model of the revolution and one of its most profound leaders. But in the telling of history from the US-perspective, Tamara remains a forgotten Joan of Arc for the South American communist movement.

Well, I’m back from Miami and I’ve found it’s not easy being clean. 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Free Cat!

No, I’m not bullshitting. I have to move, so this sweetie is up for grabs. Please send me an email at hardcandy@wildmail.com telling me why you should be allowed to own my cat. The finalists will be interviewed by Socks the cat, who will make the decision on which lucky person will his new pet human.

3/27/01, 12:53 AM


MACADEMIA

“I’d like to study something that doesn’t exist.”

BRAIN TEASERS!

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

Political Science McCain-Feingold Campaign Reform Bill Lacks Initiative by Christopher Taylor

Riddle Me This A Hub City hobo is a skilled cigarette maker. He can take four ends from the ground and create a “new” fag with nothing but spit and shinola. A talented man, indeed. On Sunday, this genius found exactly sixty-four usable butts outside the Rutgers Student Center. He is something of a nicotine addict, of course, and decided to smoke as many cigarettes as he could with the sixty-four that he had found. I conjectured that he had smoked sixteen cigarettes. He smacked my face and asked me what happened to the others, and if I had taken them. I cried and told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. Do you? Send correct answers (how many cigarettes the vagrant smoked) to naziphallus@hotmail.com to claim your prize.

Take the letters ERGRO. Add three letters to the beginning of this set of letters, and the same three letters to the end to form a common English word. What are these three letters? Solution at bottom of the page.

United States Senators John McCain (AZ), Russ Feingold (WI), and Thad Cochran (MI) sponsored the Senate the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2001 that is being debated in the current session. The bill’s central accomplishment would be to “prohibit all soft money contributions to the national political parties from corporations, labor unions, and wealthy individuals,”1 warding off what proponents deem as being a significant threat to democracy. While these reformers intentions seem genuine, they do not go far enough. The most significant threat to democracy is the overemphasis on party money to political campaigns. For the corruption to be minimized in a fair manner, political parties ought not to be allowed to spend as much money as they wish on an individual candidate’s campaign, regardless of its significance for the party’s well being. Their vocal support and on par maximum donations would of course be welcome, but to continue to allow this loophole to exist is a travesty. Write to your congressman with your thoughts on campaign finance reform or to naziphallus@hotmail.com for future issues containing Macademia: We’re Nuts About Academia. 1

mccain.senate.gov/cfrsumm.htm

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Fraught Swami Ann (Fun with Anagrams)

An anagram is when you rearrange all the letters in a word to form another word or words. To demonstrate what kind of entertainment this wordplay can give you, we’ve anagrammed the names of all the Medium staff members. Chris Taylor - Oh, Tsar Cyril! Jay Postelnik - Keys at Joplin Jessica Chandra - Anarchic Ass Jed Chris DeSarno - Radish Censor Martin Babitz - Batman: rib zit! Mike Ryan - Ink my ear Amanda Hoffman - Ah, fan of madman Rachel Beckman - Calm hacker Ben Ryan Beckman - A crank by men Michelle Salvaggio - Hell is a magic glove Amy Groark - Orgy Karma Mike Wyzard - Wry kid maze John Minus - Shun Jim? No! Troy Crowder - Rectory word

Poetry - from “The Bells” by Edgar Allen Poe

There are ten people hidden in this picture. Can you find them all?

Hear the sledges with the bellsSilver bells! What a world of merriment their melody foretells! How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, In the icy air of night! While the stars that oversprinkle All the heavens, seem to twinkle With a crystalline delight; Keeping time, time, time, In a sort of Runic rhyme, To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells From the bells, bells, bells, bells, Bells, bells, bellsFrom the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

ANSWER: UND 9-Mac-3-28-01.p65

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3/27/01, 2:22 AM


PERSONALS

“Swimming and eating... don’t let it cramp your style.”

To the fat, stupid morbidly obese boy who lives and has nothing better to do then sit in his room and listen to the Dave Mathew’s Band and to say showtunes about people on his floor... people who can give two flying punch cards about what you think of them... you shouldn’t be the judge of anyone with your fat goldfish, no friend self... You are just mad cause your fat and so is your girlfriend... You two make a beautiful obese couple... Do you two need directions to the gym you fat lost jock? What you need to do is grow some fruit and say the secret password that you think to the people you think it about... But then again you are too much of a exit sign and are afraid that you’ll get your football kicked because with all the weight you have put on you know you can’t run away... You writing what you wrote just shows how much of a loser you really are...

To the little bad girl that wrote about the people from jersey city, newark, and east orange. First off, your a intel P3 chip face that can’t write for belly button lint. what the heck? are you riding our pony so bad that you know where we from? I wish they did make a campus just for us, that way we wouldn’t have to see herb garden female dogs like yourself. WE ARE THE eye crust and don’t ya lame 42 ever forget it. You’re a real shook gardening device, if u can’t tell someone to their face to shut the door up. You gotta write that autistication declaration in the medium and hide.

(That Dave Mathew’s comment was enough of an insult, anyone who listens to that crap should be ashamed...)

To that George Clooney wanna-be batman. Play monopoly, you and all your very nice friends. I'm sorry that the guy last night gave you a blind autistic child, but you should learn your lesson that it doesn't pay to treat them as people in the Towers in a car trunk. You got nice lips and eyes, I think i’m falling in love with you batman.

To Perry - 2: I love your teeth. They bring me great oral-b toothbrushing pleasure, thanks. - KY (KY ehhh? Best initials ever)

(Yes...a bad girl...like your mom...haha, i made fun of your mom and you can’t do anything...hey stop hitting me...stop, i need marrow...) LOTS OF ERRORS

SPELLING

Do you enjoy this tasty beverage? Come to a Medium Meeting...

haha haha i read that wonderful piece of literature about LSU in last weeks issue, that eyeglass was real. them cats are bubblegum’d out on some wall for real. real african americans know that they aint paper and that they corny as corn. herbs. (You know my grandma always used to tell me... “Ryan, you’ll never amount to anything, so to look better hang around with losery people.” maybe that’s what they do For your 21st on the 28th Get real drunk and laid Little Red Hat. Make it a birthday you’ll never forget with booze and hair making u pancakes all night long. Go out to the bars and find some hot blondes to make your night worth while. You know I would give anything you want for your birthday, and would have made you pancakes all night long, but I know you’ll have fun with whom ever you find. So do 21 plus shots and have a great birthday with getting lots of donkey. (It’s all about getting a donkey on your birthday) I am wearing glasses and you aren’t... you two eyed freak every day i like to start the day with a bowl of cereal because it has a lot of sugar in it and that is my favorite food. i really like sugar cause it's so good and it makes me not tired at all. um i also like that when they have marshmallows and i like other things like froot loops hehe. hahahaa. one of my favorite cereals is count chocula cause one day when i was eating it i...um...i forgot what i was gonna say but i really like it and i like chocolate in my cereal along with sugar and fruit. but not chocolate and fruit because that's just silly. aaaaaaaaaah. Sometimes i wish i were Homer simpson...how cool his job is, how great it would be to have a nice family and I’d be able to live in a world without this pesky 3rd dimension and i’d be able to find out what color his wife’s facial hair is.

Every Wednesday at 9:30 in room 113 at the Livingston Student Center

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I once met a girl who picked her nose, at the time i thought the girl was sick, but now that i look back on it...the “girl” was actually my dying goldfish... i miss speedy.

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001

This goes out to those two Indian girls in my psychology of language class on MTh3. I can’t believe our professor didn’t catch you cheating, even though you girls were doing it so close to her. Granted the exam was really hard, but you still make me sick. If I see you ladies doing it on the final, while I am failing the course. I’ll make sure to report it. (Right on man... let “the man” take care of it man... yeah man)

Personal of the Week: To that LOVELY AND R E S P E C TA B L E YOUNG LADY i met on st patricks day. THANK you for giving me warts! I LOVE you and hope that, in the near future, you DON’T get hit by a car NOT full of mexicanAMERICANS. Also, PLEASE DONT worry about anybody throwing your cat in the Raritan, for i am NOT planning to do so. PLEASE DONT eat FECAL M A T T E R , R E S E P C TA B L E YOUNG LADY. Your Horoscope: Today is a -3. You’re Fat,Ugly, nobody likes you, you’re doing poorly in school, you’re an embarresment to your friends and family. Your life has become just another reason to die. Think wisely before making decisions at work. (Wow, this being generalized to everyone at Rutgers... this is a cool place) That kid with the green hat in human evolution (MW2) is the ugliest kid I have ever seen. Aside from that, I wouldn’t be suprised if he gives food to giraffes for fun. So shut up already we are sick of hearing your micromachines mouth. (If it doesn’t say micro machines then it’s not the real thing)

3/26/01, 11:36 PM

To that nice young man I know, you clean boy. The only thing your good for is love, Take off all that North Face gear so i can see your beautiful body. If you wanna get your face kissed, respond via the medium...PS. Bend over so you can tie your shoe.

(An untied shoe...that’s not very safe now is it?) This goes out to that guy in Clothier . I’ve seen you around.. like that time you were sleeping. I know they don’t have ice in Africa so how do you keep your beverages cool. yeah you know what I’m talking about. Maybe you should spend less time relaxing your hair and eating chalupas and more time picking my cotton fuzzy things off of my shirt. I’m out! WHAT!

i would go out tonight, but i haven’t got a stitch to wear... (Why is that a reason NOT to go out?) jeff...the hardest thing i do is wake up without you nine nine nine one, dash nine nine six “hello? whats up dude?” for pants i wear, but nothing...till i go to sleep, and there i stand. st. louis blues in ’93! Leaving all the bi-racial relationships these Jews are in aside, all Jews should be happy. I really don’t have anything against all of you besides the fact that I love you so much. If I had any hair on my freshly shaven poodle, it would bark. When you get home, take a walk to your fire place and warm up because it’s cold outside. Thank you for your time. they are insane

(Maybe they just suffer from severe autism) magical donkey juice Poor easy E, he had the life, but his life was cut short once he ran into a few Rutgers gals... Oh well, at least he was on top for a while. 27 Harvey Street has roaches and mice. The landlords are inconsiderate people without the appropriate mores of our culture. Do not rent this house. —Current Tenant (Buy your dream house here)


Wednesday, March 28th, 2001 this is to "moniqua" and "allison", this is "alize" i am writing to tell you that we really need to stop sleeping all times of night and studying everything in our path. because we need to start sleeping all times of night in additon to studying all times of night. In addition to recycling our garbage. (The lives you lead are so rich it makes me want to cry) to the girl Bob that lives on livingston... i don't know if you have noticed it alot but there is a girl that likes you she goes to every game and stairs died in your face. we don't no if you are lactose-intollerant but will you please talk to her before me and my friend kiss you both. darn this polite female wants you and you sit hterre adn sweat Robert Redford as if he notices you. darn chica pay attention to people that might actually like you.. even though it is not what you are looking for. or is it? AT T E N T I O N A L L GIRLS!!!!!!! This is a warning to you. That dreamy Justin from the Backstreet Boys has ulcers... stomach that is!!! I know from experience. Somewhere between his ventures from Old Queens to doing the hokey pokey before concerts he must have stumbled upon a rusty nail. This is serious! Don't fall for his sincere pickup lines because those little red bumps will tell all!!! (Yeah, the chicken pocks stink) To that crazy poodle that looks like monica lewinsky, go find the president and give him an apology! yeah, you know who you are! This goes out to my sweetie Hugo from LSU. You don't know who I am but I think that you are so adorable and cute no matter how much other guys are hatin on you. It's just jealousy. I hope that someday I have enough courage to come up to you and tell you that I want you but for now I'll just admire you from a distance...

To Adam the dashing gentile, You are a tiny piece of apple pie. Don't hate the world because everyone else doesn't wash with Pert Plus. I heard you suck a mean Tootsie-Roll Pop over at Kappa Kandy. Apparently they are officially changing their name to Lambda Lambda Lambda in honor of your ability to accessorize. Smell ya later u perfume salesman. P.S. Dum-Dum’s are not lolly pops no matter what your mother tells you. (Has anyone ever figured out what exactly that ‘mystery flavor’ is?!) to heather.. the hottest woman ive ever seen at Rutgers!! Praise Allah I almost hit a telephone pole when I saw you pushing that car on route 18!!! to think that woman ran outta gas and you also hit her!! you're such a wonderful person to have helped her and glad to have joined in ... but All Mighty Buddha! why'd you have to be so fine!!!??? ive been thinking bout you since last week .... should've asked for your # but had to go to work!!.. what ide give to help push your muffler into my face for an hr or two then give you a ten-speed bike that'd never run out of gas too early!! reply to Jake Pierre on the medium to when you'd want to meet where we parked our cars.. maybe we can meet during or after spring break!!l you guys should see how intelligent this chick is.. all the other fems at Rutgers pale in comparison!! she was on her way to the gym too.. MmMmmm.. yummy yummy.. give me some of that honey.... (Ugh no honey for me; it makes me throw up) To Roy, the israeli TKE brother, ata chazir! email me if you want to hook up again... kiwishine@hotmail.com

To the power outlet in voorhees with the battery-packing boyfriend on Busch. I want to take you on a date to the local dumpster so you bahhh like my pet goat. My pet goat likes it when girls call him Billy and (Until the restraining order ex- give him a nice flea-bath. You, I and Billy (that's my goat) pires that is. . .) should get a choo-choo train NICE BIKE ELLIOT! YOU goin on. We usually draw straws to see who gets to be in ET-LOVING HUMANOID!!! the middle first, but we'll give (Alf could take ET on any day) you honors. Reply to Billy Goat Gruff.

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PERSONALS

“Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” WHAT UP WENCH! A big shout out to that girl in my Shakespeare class that keeps staring at me. Look, I know I'm as hot as a jalapeno, but your glassy-eyed drooling is starting to get embarassing. If you want to stare at me and not look like a dork, come see me strut around on stage in "Twelfth Night," RCPC's srping production. The eye candy can be unwrapped Thurs March 29 @ 8pm, Fri. March 30 @ 8pm, Sat. March 31 @ 2pm and 8pm, and Sun. April 1 @ 3pm in the Rutgers Student Center, MultiPuropose Room. The all you can eat beefcake buffet is only $5. Do you have any cute friends? Bring them along! You can all make reservations at wwww.eden.rutgers.edu/~rcpc/ reservations.html. (This ain't no Radiohead. . .this is for real.) See ya there, chuck.

Submit Personals To Baby Gusty and Baby Blossom at: Beckpeople@hotmail.com To all the belly-dancing Indian lovelies out there. No one wants to make fun of you. You all should be proud of your virtue. You all are a asset to womankind and beauty. You angels have nothing but one big heart. "Indian" Lover.

(Wait - Radiohead isn’t real? And I told the doctors that to Doni and Marie in house 12. those “visions” had stopped you gotta keep the vacuming noises down. Now Doni, i no u appearing too. . .) To my boyfriend: I love how we can't be in the same room together more than 10 minutes without having you play with my harmonica. Your music warms and soothes me as it flows from your mouth across my ears and all over my soul. I love the feel of your schooner as it massages Gilligan and I cower in fear thinking about the next time you'll do my taxes. To that hot and homely JS from BC, I could not resist your discourse on Jungian philosophy. But I was sure I had to have you when I heard your hoola-hooping skills were superior to your mental ones, wink wink! Maybe you would like to give me a personal lecture. Sorry Jess, not this time. Have a wholesome and wild birthday. From all your 3F BC Nuns! (One time I cheated in a HoolaHooping contest at a Bar Mitzvah, and was forced to eat kosher Gefilta fish for a week) To Eddy u lil Egyptian pyramid. You know darn right. You are such a disease. Go home. Go home now. Stop giving doni King Tut’s Curse. (Yeah whooping cough is much more interesting)

To the big black males of the football team, stop being mitochondria. You know you see me around campus and are dying to solve Fermat’s theory. Every time i see one of you i get a brainy look. It is time for all of this to stop. How about after practice you all line up and take a turn calculating pi ( freshman players first).The next time i see one of you i better get a number.

liek it when you find a penny under the cushions of the couch, but the wrinkled cloth(Football players and math - a ing all over livingston seem to dangerous combination) be stemming from your your refusal to take the lint out of the To Douglass housing: Our aerodryer. Please keep the noise bics-instructing, flourescent down thank you lightbulb of an RA in (Nothing comes between a man Katzenbach is currently using a and his fabric softener) George Forman grill, as well as I love Bolton! Bolton, you are a Furby of such inense voltage the bestest super for an apart- that we fear it is a fire ment ever ever! You always fix hazard...please discipline this anything. Too bad your mom happy-scrappy hero pup, and dad didn't have block party Purina dog wanna-be. . . when they made you. Well no...maybe they're proud that their Tim The Toolman Taylor of a son fixes apartments toilets......apartments that Matin owns. ahhh yes, Matin. He's the owner of our piece of fine china apartment.....The next time you give me your attitude, I'm going to Hura Currana you WWF style, and ur going to install a nightlight in my room for me. Poor world.....it has people like Bolton and Matin. gah. I would like to hear that you both have intimate conversations with goats and get them to enroll in Sunday School. Thanks for not fixing our refridgerator, toilet, not shovelling the driveway, giving us an attitude.....Bolton, also WHAT THE DILLY ARE THOSE WHITE MARKS ON UR ARMS??? WELL??? FIX OUR FLUSHING TOILET!

3/27/01, 12:13 AM

This goes out to that fine footed black guy who is always on Livingston who matches his clothes every single day. Me and my friend Chrissy think you are so cute and we both wouldn't mind getting you alone together. We just want to clean your room and discuss beauty tips. My name is Rebecca and I'm a redhead my friend Chrissy is a blonde. I've never spoken with a black guy before but, I want you to be the first. Chrissy has spoken with two black guys before and she says that you guys know how to brush your teeth. I hope your into white girls because were both into you. So, if you want a three-way phone conversation you'll never forget just e-mail me so we can set it up. Shucks, I getting enlightened just writing this e-mail. (ebail101@hotmail.com)


What’s Shakin’

“We should have a stomach pump standing by.”

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001 Even though the paper has decided to gone clean, so to speak, I will continue to bring you animal and child-related graphics. I like animals and children, and it doesn’t mean I can’t think about them in a clean way. We are embracing wit, not pornography, high-brow humor, not toilet humor. Come on people anything’s possible. I’m about to graduate from Rutgers, anything’s possible. Send purity and events to stubby103@hotmail.com.

Local Jive 3/30 Lizzy Borden, Yngwie Malmsteen – Birch Hill 3/30 Full Fledged Flavor – Packee’s Pub 3/30 Step Kings, Among Thieves, Rhythm Trip, Ill Nino – Club Bene 3/31 Smack Daddy – Packee’s Pub 3/31 Over My Dead Body, Random Task, Kill your Idols, Bane,Prevent Falls – Club Bene 4/1 The Milwaukees, The Juliana Theory, Last Perfect Thing,The Bank Robbers – Birch Hill ALL AGES!!

Discover the Local Music Scene

Birch Hill Entertainment Complex Rt. 9 South, Old Bridge, NJ (732) 536-0650

Club Bene State Route 35 South Amboy, NJ

Packee’s Pub 780 Rt. 1 North Woodbridge, NJ (732) 634-3670

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RCPC Performing Arts Presents: William Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” 3/29, 3/30 @ 8pm, 3/31 @ 2 pm & 8pm 4/1 @ 3pm Tickets are $5 Rutgers Student Center, Multipurpose Room Make reservations @ www.eden.rutgers.edu/~rcpc/ reservations.html Questions? mporeda@ eden.rutgers.edu or 745-RCPC

3/31 JOHN WRIGHT WITH MAURICE DICKSON LIVE IN CONCERT Together for the first time on their U.S. tour, these are two of the hottest singer/songwriter recording artists from the British Isles at Alba Vineyard. Admission $12.50 7:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. For Reservations or more Info. 908.995.7800

Do you like to dance? Come to a Medium Meeting!! Wednesdays @ 9:30 p.m. LSC-Rm 113

3/26/01, 8:32 PM


03/28/01