EDITORIALS
NO TO NO TO
“V.A.G.I.N.A.”
ONE THE ONE THE
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
Announcing a Medium Contest!
WANTED TO GO PROM WTH ME WANTED TO GO PROM WTH ME
Send Us Your Roommate’s Prom Picture! Are YOU tired of looking at that stupid prom picture of your roommate’s day after freaking day? Are you tired of fantasizing about their date in the picture and you’re just sick and tired of this lame-ass piece of high school memorabilia? Are you tired of thinking to yourself, “Come ON, when is my roommate going to give up on the idea of living happily ever after with their prom date and get into bed with ME?” Well, we at The Medium feel your pain, and we think it’s funny. So the next time the ol’ roommie is out giving their Grandparents oral sex, grab that prom pic, scan that puppy in, and send it to us! We’ll print that thing up and award prizes for the categories Cutest Couple, Bad News, and Date Rape Waiting to Happen. Winner of Best Overall gets to be Rutgers President for a year! Won’t YOU be the big hit of Egg Harbor City???
this is totally phony. don’t send us any prom pictures. we already have pix of your dates, and ours are better
Get Ready for the Takeover motherfuckers. Top 5 Miss USA Pageant Contestants. Four Out of Five are Black including the Winner, Miss Washington DC. LOOKS LIKE THE MOOD IS CHANGING, IT LOOKS LIKE THE GREAT IDEAL OF AMERICAN BEAUTY IS GETTING A LITTLE DARKER ISN’T IT? Now we got a Black guy trying to own the Minnesota Twins? What? Wow, looks like you can’t hold us back any longer can you? Oh, Yeah If you’re a revolutionary trouble-maker like me, or you just have some shit you wanna get off of you’re chest, email your gripes to HETEROFRENZY@YAHOO.COM. If you want to see me in person to punch me in the face for oh, say, the article below, come to our meeting, Wednesday Night at 9 in the LSC, RM 113.
The Bitches Are OK! You can say that what you are about to read is fueled by my notorious string of Bad Luck with women. And you would be right. But, girls, look past the fire and venom and you might see somebody worth having sex with. So, for Women’s History Month we’re gonna talk about my history with women. In a word, my history with women is shitty. Now do not get me wrong, I am far from being a virgin, and I’m more familiar with the vagina than 80% of you reading this (including women) so that is not the issue. I don’t have a very hard time keeping a woman, it’s getting them that’s always been the pain in the ass. Women have always liked me unless I was actively chasing them away, which I did for the first 10 years of my life. When I finally came to terms with the fact that there was more to girls than making them cry, it was a bit of a letdown in my life. I stopped chasing them with hatred and started chasing them with love. And that didn’t go well at all. I learned fairly early on that the more you showed a women that you cared about her, the smaller the chances that she would go out with you. I knew this, but I did not heed this knowledge. I somehow convinced myself that if I could show these girls that I was better, funnier, smarter and all around a great boyfriend, that the only logical choice would be to go out with me. Here is where logic, and women, failed me most in life. You see, women AREN’T logical. They chose me to be their friend. Time and time again, and I know this happens to shitloads of you guys out there so don’t even front, I was relegated to being the androgynous male friend. I got to hear all about the guy who were getting her candy, and all I was getting was the wrappers. I hated those guys. And from what I heard, those guys usually hated the girl I liked, or they treated them like they did. I have known very few women who had boyfriends who were not assholes, or at least who were not bigger assholes than I am. And always these women took them over me. Now, I’m not a fucking supermodel, but I’m decent looking, and I don’t treat women like shit. But that has never gotten me anywhere. We have all learned somewhere along the way that treating a woman like shit is almost essential to a good relationship. When I was younger I considered making my own club called V.A.G.I.N.A., Violence Against Girls Is Necessary Always. I was mad, I was bitter, and I was angry. Girls had hurt me one too many times. My first ex-girlfriend ripped my heart out and chewed it up. My second ex at least had the common decency to mend my destroyed heart and soul before she too, left me. Well, we’re still good friends, so it’s not as sad as it sounds but leave me alone, I’m on a roll. So that pretty much brings me up to today. I’m single, sort of. I have a really good friend who loves me and I love her. But she wants to go find a guy with a bigger dick and more money, and hey, who can really blame her. Though I don’t see why 10 inches wasn’t enough for her* just seems greedy to me. I suppose if a woman comes my way I won’t turn her away, but I’m being a lot more selective with chicks now. I now how dangerous you females are, and I’m ready for anything you can throw at me. If you guys are smart, you’ll heed my warnings, if you don’t want to have my women’s history, than don’t trust a woman till you know her inside and out; it’s a lot safer that way. If you’re a guy, spend this month reflecting on your own women history, and see what you fucked up, and what you can fix. You’ll be better for it. If you have any helpful stories, send them to me HETEROFRENZY@YAHOO.COM *(give or take 5 inches)
Hi there everybody! Your friendly neighborhood Medium EiC here with a few friendly words for this issue. We’ve got a real corker of an issue for you this week! There’s not one, but TWO articles on How to Get Laid (written by a couple of real lovemasters, let me tell you), more from our friends 2 Jews on Porn, and hey, you just gotta love those Personals! I hope you enjoy this issue and if you don’t, well, tough shit! Our organization has already taken your money and blown it on this rag! Ha!
Cover by: Olyg Zyylykovych
THE
MEDIUM
EiC’s Corner
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian DeLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.V.A.G.I.N.A.
OPINIONS OPINIONS
“ Violence Against Women Is Funny”
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
shoot his dick off… it’s not right. If women are equal, then Hypocritical Feminist Bitches CanRANDOM Suck My Meaty Wang DEPARTMENT BITCHING why aren’t they forced to go die like I could be? If women are equal then why do they constantly have to say it instead of just showing it, why do they only want to be A lot of things about women piss me off. The fact that they have a clitoris and I don’t is among the equal when it’s convenient? Well fuck convenience…they most enraging, but the one that surpasses it by far is… the hypocrisy of these crazy bitches. can’t even open jars? By George “unbitchy” Baxter
For some reason women constantly proclaim that they are equal to men. This statement is not true, not even women believe it. My father told me never to hit a woman, but if she’s equal… fuck that shit, I’ll drop the bitch if she “steps”. Actually since I’m quite feeble she’d probably kick my ass but fuck not hitting women if “they’re equal”. Now I’m not for the abuse of women, far from it, I just want women to stop proclaiming something they know to be untrue. Most girls don’t want to be equal, they want the best of everything… they want the right to vote, they want to have the same jobs and they want guys to treat them like fucking princesses and carry the heavy shit. Fuck that, choose either “equal” or taking out the fucking trash… and while you’re deciding throw something in the oven, I’m hungry.
RANDOM BITCHING DEPARTMENT
Chick get all pissy when a guy gets a little bit of a better pay check but what happens when there’s a war and eventually people need to get drafted? Oh the guys go to war and women do what? Oh yeah they stay home, bake and fuck their vibrators. Meanwhile her man is getting shot across the ocean and too afraid that if he jerks off someone will
Ahhh women. Blindfolded. Aproned. In the kitchen were they F-in Belong! Just like the good old days. -Dick Cheney SCHEDULE OF ACTIVITIES FOR WYMYN’S HYSTORY MYNTH, March 2002. All activities will be held in the Douglass Student Center, unless otherwise announced. The Raiding Party on Frat Row will meet in Trayes Hall at or around 10 pm, where napalm and hedge clipeers will be passed out to all participants. The Wymyn who collects the most penii will be awarded with the complete works of Ani DiFranco.
Collection and destruction of all female shaving supplies
Movie Priemier: The Cheescake Monologues
Workshop: Muscle-building and power lifting
Movie: Utopia and the Penisless Man
Seminar on Male Sensitivity training: How to Kick Square in the Balls
Seminar: When a Man Calls You Pretty it Means He Wants to Rape You Babies, Pup- Seminar: Propies, and Plush Feminist Men Animals Fair Are Not “Pussies”
Seminar: The Y Chrmosome: Horrific Mutation or God’s Only Mistake?
Math Studies: 2+2 = Female Oppression
Workshop: How to Make Non-Phallic Dildos
Dear Bubba, Why is it. that no matter how much one studies for a Rutgers exam, It doesn’t mean jack shit? Because In the end, you just get bent over by the proverbial large prison mate named Bubba. I, just like many others here at this school. have become nothing more than Bubba’s bitch. Why Bubba, why must you haunt us all? DON’T YOU KNOW IT HURTS? My asshole cannot take much more. I mean shit, at least during orientation here the red shirts could at least hand you some Vaseline.. What the fuck? We’re not ever worth that? I pay 13,000 to get my ass raped daily, they could at least have the common decency of providing some lubricant. It hurts! It hurts LOTS. Me duele mucho. I don’t like getting ass raped. its not pleasant. Please Bubba, Please Stop it. Sincerely, Bubba’s Bitch (Rutgers Student Body) —
To Joe the Philosopher
brought to you by the Letter B Why do you get to write? You’re an idiot. Why are you complaining all the girls are dropping out of classes, doesn’t that just open up the field on all the guys for you? Or do you like a little competition when you try to rail a straight guy in the ass. The only amusing things in your article were the Abduction Raping and Seminar: Sexy comments thrown in by the Ops Ed. and depillaging of Frat = Rape Victim: Everything else wasn’t even interesting. bleaching of Row. Ugly - Empow- Why don’t girls want to be philosophers? Because Philosopher is the equivalent of all blondes on ered street bum. You wanna find a female Frat Row. philosopher to stimulate you, put a bottle of 13 wine on a string and drag it through an alley. 24 hours of Chocolate You’ll surely lure a whole bunch of Eating Contest Powerpuff Girls and and Sailor philosophers out, pick out the female one, and your set. Otherwise, just shut the fuck Moon up because no one cares that your philosophy classes are all guys. What do you expect, it’s a class on thought...when did Workshop: you meet a girl who could do that. How to remove Especially at RU, most of them can’t do and install anything but think about drinking, whoring, Transmissions and sucking frat cock. That’s the extent of their “thoughts”. You want women, Babies, Pup- go to a frat party, pies, and Plush you want to learn, Animals Fair go to class. I would make this thing well written, but I’ve had far too little sleep, and I give too little a fuck to go up and fixit. So if you don’t like it, eat me. B
News
“Bitch, make me some pie.”
Wednesday, March 6th 2002
Bush to be Honored with Coveted Award Assoc. Press-The People for Independent Managers of Pleasure Services has announced that President George Bush II will be honored with this year’s Golden Pimp Award. Awarded. This award coveted by many, serves as a recognition of excellence for getting people screwed for the sake of money. Initially, it was thought to be a potentially controversial idea to even al“String ‘em up,” says Bush at the low the President to compete for this prestigious award. However, the weekly Klan meeting. judging committee later decided unanimously that President Bush II had earned the right for the work he has done to Pimp out America and his promising potential to Pimp out the rest of the world. “At first, we thought he would only be a small time player,” stated Freddy “The Fish Merchant,” one of the panel’s judges, “But the liberties he has been taking in the past year have raised him to a Primo Pimp status.” His work Begins Bush began his career properly, by bribing the majority of those who would police him. “I don’t care about anything like that,” one voter responded, “I got my $300 in the mail from him.” After that, Bush began to collect and exploit his bitches. Though the number of bitches he has made, ranging from the White House Office for Women’s Initiatives and Outreach, to Reading is Fundamental, is too long to list in this article, his favorites should be highlighted. As early as his campaign days, when he expressed his view that “Freedom should be limited,” Bush as exposed his hard-on for the Constitution of the United States of America. Whether through inserting his “executive order” to circumvent the Constitutions checks and balances, the system that prevents corruption by limiting one branch’s power through the powers of the other two, or through the bending over the Bill of Rights and having his way with it, especially in the 1st , 4th and 6th amendments. Probably his favorite ‘Ho is Mother Earth. It is well known that he’s made big money from having her drilled in the past. Once he got into office, Gaia’s gangbang went into full effect. From ignoring global warming to developing fragile wetlands ecosystems, from refusing to lower the amount of Arsenic allowed in drinking water, to not enforcing the Clean Air Act, Bush has been making sure Mother Earth gets it in the air, land, and sea. Now he is planning an even rougher round of pumpings, especially in her “polar region.” This plan, which may enable America to be self sufficient for all of a year and a half, will mean lots of money for him and his heavy drilling friends. Bitch, Where is My Money Every pimp has his problems, and if he does not make a few examples, the bitches will walk all over him. When the Taliban refused to give it up to UNOCAL and other oil interests, blocking an oil line that would give access to Caspian oil sources this passed summer… Well let’s just say a beat down was inevitable. Honor Among Thieves “Ken who?” George’s above response to investigators just shows his commitment and loyalty to the profession. After Enron’s orgy had been busted, Bush, and those whom he has working under him, talk about anything “Kenny Boy” may have told him prior to the bust. Ambitious Future Not satisfied with just screwing over one country, Bush has been seasoning new bitches across the world. Going south on Korea, Bush has forces Kim’s attempts at a Sunshine Policy up where the sun doesn’t shine. Bush even got his own geisha as a little misapplied tongue work on his part sent brought the yen to its knees. “All this and he still has two years left. Just think of all how many he can have screwed, and how much money he can make in the process,” Commented “Quick Handed” Harry, “He truly is a master of the craft.”“Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” — Ronald Reagan.
Send your cute News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com Send your cute News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Send your cute News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Send your cute News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
CSO Found Dead: No One Notices by Chuck Polumbo A Community Service Officer was found dead Friday afternoon in the first floor lounge of Tinsley Hall. The coroner’s report stated that the CSO actually died four days previously from what appears to be SIDS. The body was in plain view of many passers-by, but none seemed to think that anything was wrong. “He was sitting motionless in front of the TV”, a Tinsley resident said, “from what I could tell he was doing exactly what all the other guards do.” We interviewed many other residents of Tinsley and the surrounding dorms, Mettler and Brett, (Yes, Rutgers even fucks the but could find no one who had actually ever po-po. Above an Officer seen aCSO move or in fact, do any type of shows us the “gun” Rutgers work whatsoever. The CSO, Reynaldo gave him) Martinez JR., had a history of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. CSO’s are renowned for their ability to not be able to do the simplest task to earn the exorbitant fees they charge for their services. They have been registered in the Guinness Book of World Records as the laziest multicellular beings on the face of the planet. Many CSO’s have had a problem with moss growing on them due to inactivity. If you should come across a CSO, please poke them with a stick to ensure that they are still living.
WOMEN ARE BITCHES their and men are fucking assholes.
By Carol Hu New Brunswick, NJ—Men complain about women constantly — they tell us to quit our bitching, to stop our nagging, why don’t we just bring them a beer and cook them dinner? Well, I will not keep quiet any longer. Men are lazy, disgusting pigs that ogle at every passing woman who doesn’t have a saggy ass. Men are possessive. Men are not romantic. Men are hypocrites. Men are self-centered, egotistic PIGS!(What’s the problem... we give you the right to vote and this is what we get for it - news ed.) Alright, let me get a hold of myself, these are generalizations, yet also observations. Sure there are men who fly a distance to surprise their significant other and some men who can cook and clean, but I am not writing this article to demote the male species (although it has started off quite unfair). Okay, so women nag… I nag. I worry. I worry about the simplest things, like whether the love of my life has found someone with a tighter ass and owns “ass shorts.” But isn’t this in our nature? Isn’t it humane and of the utmost norm? Well, even if it is, it creates problems in relationships. Women do a lot for men. It’s true. You can’t deny it. We cook. We clean. We write sweet romantic notes and letters. We buy you teddy bears and cute little things. We buy you sweaters and boxers. We think about you all day… And you say you’re putting up with us? Well, men if you’re just putting up with us, maybe we won’t “put out.” Show a little appreciation. Sometimes things don’t go well, but don’t act like a dick! We have enough dick as it is(You have enough dick when I say you have... now where’s my apple pie?- news ed.). So, men if you want to keep complaining, at least admit your faults too. Oh yeah, remember girls talk too! Girl 1: “I really hate guys.” Girl 2: “okay.” Girl 1: “Why are they such FUCK FUCKS?” Girl 2: “the have bad genes.” Girl 1: “not the gay ones, they fit them good most of the time.” So, I’m basically trying to say that men are equally a pain in the ass to women, as women are to men. Quit the shit and fighting, get high and fuck a lot. It will make the world a much happier place without all the noise pollution and tears.
Wednesday, March 6th 2002
News
“Enough half-jewing around.”
STUDY SHOWS THAT MANY RAPPERS MAY SUFFER FROM UNREALISTICALLY HIGH SELF-IMAGES
An Easier Way to Get Laid
By Sushma Trivedi
By Mike Stanley
Go asshole
Most students surveyed responded favorably to the University’s whoring of its historical building names. Junior Scott Jenkins, stopped as he boarded the soon to be called Verizon Wireless drunk bus, praised the move saying, “ yo bro, I love this idea, I just found out my frats roofie supply is gonna be sponsored by AOL/Time Warner! Besides bro, its not like giant corporations have ever hurt anybody.” No negative stories about the sponsorship issue could be found in any of yesterdays UPS Daily Targum or the EXXON Green Print newspapers.
Go asshole
it only works if that spirit Brooklyn, NY— Accordof adventure is reciprocal, ing to a study released by and the man is willing to It has always been thought that girls in sororities were sluts, whores, prosti- the American Psychologitry new things to please tutes and now they’ve finally admitted it. The sorority prostitutes or sorostitutes cal Association this past his woman. With many of Tuesday, an alarming peras they now call themselves, have opened a new business flaunting their sexual centage of U.S. rappers these rappers, however, promiscuity. Some call it prostitution, some call it wrong, I say “It’s time”. suffer from unrealistically this is not the case.” The study also indicates Some ask why girls would degrade themselves for money at a school as high self images, which that many rappers grossly prestigious as Rutgers. The president of the Sorostitute line commented “It’s puts them at risk for a host overestimated their pernot cheap being in a sorority, we’ve got membership dues, and um….yeah of emotional and interpersonal finances. Most MCs sonal problems. This also it’s expensive to pay for adequate herpes treatment”. were found to be living study, which evaluated the Rappers like these can fuck well beyond their means, Starting March 7th any horny college student can call this new hot line to attitudes and self-percep- a bitch ten times before she taking nightly baths in schedule an appointment with a cheap slut or “classy girl”, depending on their tions of more than 600 Cristal, wearing customwakes up. made Armani suits, and taste and what they want to do with the hired girl. Sandy Tang the co-vice MCs in hoods across the U.S, including Detroit, Harlem World, president of the Sorostitute Line described the cost in an interview earlier this Illtown, Strong Island and the Brooklyn sporting multiple Rolex watches on each arm. New Orleans rapper reported driving a week “Yeah, it all depends on what they want done. The really freaky things Zoo, found that nearly 98 percent of those One solid-gold diamond-encrusted Cadillac cost more”. As one would expect missionary costs much less then a ride in surveyed exhibited a distorted sense of Escalade. “Even millionaires need to do the Jeep Liberty. Sandy also said “Not many of the girls can now offer a ride their own prowess, particularly with re- some amount of basic budgeting,” accounin the Jeep Liberty, but we’re hoping that next years incoming class can offer gard to their own wealth, sexual potency tant Marcus DiMuzio said. “The sort of and influence over their peers. “While per- extravagantspending in which these rappers the rides that our customers will want”. sonal confidence is a vital aspect of build- indulge—indiscriminately buying yachts, This new hotline also offers the perks of making appointments with your ing a healthy self-image, an exaggerated helicopters and fleets of bullet proof Benzes without any eye for the favorite whore. The organization will also offers a discount if you chose a girl sense of self will almost always lead to Mercedes trouble” study head director Doo Yen bottom line—is a recipe for financial disaswhose got herpes. To encourage a booming beginning the Sorostitute Line is Caamano stated. “The overconfidence ter.” offering a 15% discount with a valid student or faculty Id, this promotion is these rappers display can have a whole According to UMDNJ hospital psychiarunning until the end of the spring semester. So remember instead of whack- host of negative consequences, from hu- trist Dr. Sabrina Gonzales-Vasquez, the ing off in the showers or while hoping your roommate is sleeping, dial 373- miliating defeat at the hands of a superior distorted sense of reality exhibited by tute, 1-888-soro-tute, or simply log on and go to http://greek.rutgers.com/ MC to getting a cap placed in one’s ass.” many rappers may indicate a predisposiThe most common manifestation of the tion toward a host of serious mental disSorostitute. exaggerated self images of U.S. rappers orders, such as schizophrenia. “Many of is their gross overestimation of their own these rappers create fictional, internal universes that, Livingston Studnet Center at 9:00 tonight, and every Wednesday in room 113 rapping skills. A full 99 percent of MCs for them, beparticipating in the survey claimed that Come to a their “unique” style could not be imitated come a sort of alternate Meidum and never duplicated, despite a preponreality ,” derance of evidence to the contrary. “Very meeting... Gonzales few of these rappers have styles that can- says. “For it’s an orgy not be duplicated. In fact, we found that exa-, mple a wtih extra most of these rappers have remarkably young rapanal fun. similar microphone styles,” Caamano Livingston Studnet Center at 9:00 tonight, and every Wednesday in room 113 says. “Yet nearly all of them see to be- per named Kurupt told lieve that they themselves are unique.” me how the Nobody can suck a Often, Caamano said, rappers’ inflated, feds have RU To Offset Budget Cuts By Going Corporate unrealistic self-images carry over into their tapped his cock like a dead man All buildings to be renamed... interpersonal relationships. This directly phones, and how he’s wanted in more affects their ability to sustain healthy, mu- states than John Gotti. A New York rapby Brian Benson tual fulfilling long-term relationships with per by the name of Nas told me that he (College Ave)- Starting this coming fall semesmembers of the opposite sex. “one young was recently chased in his Lexus by CIA rapper I spoke with told me that he‘be agents but somehow managed to escape ter all Rutgers buildings will seem a little diftrading women like baseball cards’ and when his partner shot the driver of the ferent. Thanks to state imposed budget cuts, that he ‘got bitches cleaning his house, pursuing car. These sorts of paranoid, dethe university’s Board of Governors voted cleaning his gold, doing my shoelaces’” lusional fantasies are classic signs of unanimously Monday to raise needed funds Caamano said. “For a relationship to thrive schizophrenia, and an affected rapper’s by selling the naming rights of all campus buildthere needs to be a sense of shared re- condition can deteriorate until he’s cliniings and facilities to the highest corporate bidsponsibility and mutual respect. When one cally insane in the membrane.” No corporation wanted the partner is cleaning the other’s house and It is urged that afflicted rappers seek help ARC building, so it was sold der. Some examples of the new corporate gold, the partner doing the cleaning is now, before the problem gets worse. Early to “private” investors. It is bidders include Scott Hall, which will be relikely to experience feelings of resentment detection is critical, as treatment only gets now the capital of nonnamed IBM Hall, and Brower Commons, over the imbalance. Inevitably this will harder as time goes on. Remember that communist China which will be Fed Ex.com commons. Students these rapper’s mic skills won’t last fordrive a wedge between the pair.” will also ride the McDonalds EE and Nike LX buses and reside in The “Another MC I spoke with told me that ever and when they do fall off—and the Gap and Prudential Insurance Dorms by the Raritan River. Board of Govhe has a bitch who will suck his dick un- record sales plummet and the major-label ernors spokesman Everett Long speaking on the steps of Sony DVD Hall til he nut, spit it on his guy, and slurp that contracts disappear—there is almost alsaid the new sponsors will give Rutgers, “A futuristic, cutting edge big shit back up,” Caamano said. “While a ways a corresponding depression. We need to recognize that that underneath all the brasense ofsexual adventurousness and willcorporation conglomerate feeling” as well as “allowing all students to convado and macho posturing, these rappers’ ingness to experiment is a great way to boasts are actually a desperate cry for help. tinue to receive the quick hassle free service they have come to expect keep a relationship fresh over the long haul when dealing with scheduling and parking officials”
POLICE BLOTTER • A university student was arrested for damaging public property At the time of his arrest the heathen was ejaculating into the zip drive of Dell 104
• 5 wild students threw over a hundred pounds of “meat” onto the dirty hippies in Demarest as they protested agains the Dining hall’s serving of meat.
• Some other lame idea I stole from a movie. -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by Bongo, the cute monkey)
GMG
“Medium Special: Terror on the Turnpike”
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
Step 2: Goin’ for the booty
How to Get Laid (A Moron’s Guide to “Getting’ It On”)
Step 1: Choose Your Subject a. The Ugly / Fat Girl Difficulty Level: (3) Like popping a zit. Relatively quick and easy, but it’ll leave a visible mark on your reputation. b. The Hot Girl / Girl with the Boyfriend Difficulty Level: (9) Imagine getting repeatedly slapped in the face with another man’s penis. If you can withstand this kind of humiliation then you might have a chance. c. The Smart Girl Difficulty Level: (5) A crapshoot. Variables include your level of stupidity, how intelligent she feels that day and whether she’s looking for a man who’ll dominate her intellectually or is just dumb and cute. d. The Sorority Girl Difficulty Level: (-2) Need I say more? e. The Lesbian Difficulty Level: (500) You must be cunning, persistent, devilishly sneaky, very versed in lesbian culture and have balls of steel. In short, you must be the Devil. You’d be better off jerkin’ off. Be sure not to submit to: mbabitz@eden.
a. The Ugly / Fat Girl is generally low in the self-esteem level. Make her feel like the hottest thing on this planet (i.e. lie as though your life depended on it) and if she believes you (if you’re not snickering under your breath) she’ll willingly play with your handle. Dangerous Moves: Letting her be on top. You may either have your balls, dick and internal organs crushed or have to look into her horribly deformed face. Both will swiftly destroy the mood and any pleasure you may find in fucking a fat and or ugly girl. My Suggestion: Doggy Style. You’ll hit her G-spot making the lady very happy, you won’t have to look at her face and you’ll save yourself and your balls from certain death by crushing. b. The Hot Girl / Girl with the Boyfriend. These two categories often overlap which is why they’re being presented as one. More often than not you’ll find that a genuinely hot girl (not one who just looks hot in the right kind of light with the right number of beers) will already have a man. In order to win the hot girl’s (already coveted) ass you’ll have to convince her that you’ve got something that her man ain’t got (i.e. a bigger dick and more finesse than her man, or any man for that matter). (For those of you who have no clue, finesse, n. a knowledge of a woman’s body that surpasses her own knowledge, so that in acts of coitus the individual (man) possessing finesse may provide a woman with optimal sexual satisfaction.) Also, be discrete about it. If the chick knows all you’re after is pussy, she won’t give you the time of day. Make friends with her, make her think you’re not interested and then slowly sneak all of your goods into the conversation. Let her know what you’ve got to offer without offering it to her. If you remain mysterious enough, without actually going after her, the chick will grow intrigued and start to believe that you can offer something that her man and other men can’t offer. Encourage her to come to you, and then slowly real her in. Bait, hook, line and sinker. Dangerous moves: If the girl does have a man, and you do get her in the sack, he’ll most likely search your ass out and kill you.
Hoo-ha! Yeah, fucking car accidents!
c. The Smart Girl is most likely smarter than you are if you’re reading this article so it’s probably beyond your abilities to outsmart her. So what you’re gunna have to do is play dumb and hope she likes feeling like an intellectual dominatrix. Play up how smart she is when you talk to her; ask her for help with your homework. Can you say study date? A perfect excuse to get alone time with a smart girl is to use her for her brain. While studying with her offer her a back massage in exchange for all of her help with your economic homework. Most likely if she was willing to help you she doesn’t find you absolutely repulsive and if its pleasurable enough for her, she might let you fondle her as she explains what real GDP is. Dangerous Moves: When she realizes the next day how stupid you really are, she won’t hesitate to point out your lack of mental acuity. In other words you’ll feel really, really stupid. d. The Sorority Girl. Fill with bear. Insert Dick. Fuck. Dangerous Moves: Not using a condom. You will get an STD.
Meetings: 9:00pm, LSC 113
e. The Lesbian by nature doesn’t want to sleep with you. So you’re gunna have to pull some sneaky, back bending, putting the square-shaped-block into the circle-shaped-hole, kinda shit to get into her pants. If you’re a very liberal politician disguised as a homosexual man and both of you are very drunk you might be able to convince the man-chick that by fucking, the two of you will be furthering the struggle for gay and lesbian rights. How you’d do this, I’m not entirely sure, which again leads me back to my initial statement that if you’re not Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub or have made a deal with the Devil you ain’t got a chance in Hell. Dangerous Moves: In the extremely unlikely chance that you are able trick a lesbian into sleeping with you, immediately stick your dick into a pale full of ice. For as soon as the lesbian realizes how she’s been tricked, you will most certainly suffer castration. Pre-icing will numb the pain.
From The Medium’s Archives: 10 Years Ago, March 10, 1992-
“Information Super Highway” Latest Science Fiction By Larry Felder, Medium Staff I was watching that newly hip cable news channel, CNN recently when I saw a report that said scientists were predicting Americans will be “surfing” a world wide information super highway within the next few years. They said this new network will allow people to get information and communicate from their personal computer terminals to people all over the world. To this I say, Give us a break! Like any reasonable person is supposed to believe that! I’m really getting sick of these scientists and the government making these promises that are unrealistic science fiction. I don’t care how popular President Bush is or how big his victory will be in the November election, he has to put a stop to these lies. Since I am not a nerdy super brain computer whiz, or a top-secret spy, the computer will remain what it is now, good for typing papers! My roommate uses the computer for other things, like communicating with his fellow Star Trek fans and playing games like “Leisure Suite Larry”! I really see this “computer future” in which I will sit down and “talk” to my girlfriend on the computer! Maybe she can send me some “crazy” computer mail on my birthday! Or maybe I will be able to check the weather or see how bad the crappy Yankees lost, all on this “Super Highway”! These scientists are always making these untrue promises about new technology. Ok I admit those record sized laser discs will probably soon force VHS off the market, but that’s only one case. Overall, these are all big dreams out of a bad movie. So in a few years when President Dan Quayle is promising flying cars, Magic Johnson is long dead, and your computer is STILL only used for games and typing, you can say I warned you, and thank those lying scientists!
“Medium-Specificity means that art is truly defined by it’s Medium”
VATICAN – In a startling turn of events this week, Pope John Paul II announced the Catholic Church’s first major update in the biblical text since the King James New Testament became the definitive edition of Christian text. Following a series of retractions and apologies, directed at a wide scope of formerly persecuted religious, ethnic and sexual groups, the Catholic Church follow their apology for complacency with the Nazis with an overhaul of the gospel to reflect a more accepting outlook. Passages often inferred as indictments of homosexuals and other so-called sexual deviants have been re-researched, and restored to what the Pope is calling, “the original, benign, and holy intent of the scriptures as beheld to the apostles and saints by God our father, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God our father.” Newly scripted passages still admonish lustful love as sinful, but have been altered to allow for those sexual acts that fall outside of what is traditionally considered coitus. Fellatio, cunnilingus, anal intercourse, and a variety of other sexual acts have been worked into the New Testament with Papal approval. The Catholic Church has not yet released the substantial tour schedule planned to spread the word of change to the Catholic world. By chance, the Medium caught up with Father Joseph-Marie Verlinde, head of Paris’s Brotherhood Monastery of St. Joseph. Father Verlinde is part of the Pope’s consulting committee, and he sat down with us to answer a few pressing questions: BS: Father, why now? FV: Well, quite frankly, with the Islamic faith tripping over their own retractions and contradictions, we figured we could take advantage of the situation, shine up our image, and bring the flock home. BS: Is there any concern that making such shaking changes based on passing events could have unfortunate consequences in the long run? FV: Some, yes, but his holiness John Paul II is thoroughly behind the changes, which in effect, are not so much changes but a more accurate reading of the holy texts. BS: So the Catholic Church was really always been pro-sodomy? FV: Well, you see, the original problem, in Sodom, was not the sodomy, it was that a certain level of haughtiness was developing, a holier than thou attitude that our Lord in heaven did not appreciate. BS: And what about Gomorra? FV: Pardon? BS: Nevermind, so the Catholic Church is okay with anal sex? FV: I think it’s a taboo that’s grown up alongside Catholicism, somewhat independently of these incorrect reading of scripture, and that’s led to the impression that the Catholic Church was anti-sodomy, when in fact we are merely against disrespect towards God. BS: I’m sorry, I just want to be absolutely sure, anal sex good, disrespect towards God bad. FV: Absolutely. BS: What allowed the Pope these new insights into the scriptures, how was he able to produce these new readings? FV: First, regardless of his age, he is an extremely intelligent man. Secondly, I think to a certain extent his readings of the testaments had been obscured by social stigmas on sodomy. BS: So was it an epiphany? FV: You might say that (chuckles). BS: What? FV: Nothing, sorry, its just that the Pope is very busy, but he took some time to personally subject himself to some experiences to gain enlightenment.. BS: Are you saying… FV: The Lord works in mysterious ways. BS: I’ll say, well, thank you for your time. FV: Certainly. BS: Well, a fascinating change in our world. FV: Indeed (glancing at interviewer), say…what are you doing this afternoon, (glancing at microphone) you in a hurry to get back? (Glances at my buttocks, nods, smiles).
The Islamic community has responded to the Catholic Church’s recent actions in total disgust. In a meeting held outside Islamabad, religious leaders took turns criticizing the Church’s actions and claiming this as just another example of how the “infidels are twisting the will of Allah” and making “peace with the Judean-Christian faiths impossible, co-existence with such vermin nearly unthinkable.” Pope John Paul responded, during a sermon in Venice yesterday, to claims of damaging interfaith relations by saying, “don’t knock it until you try it.” Of course, he said it in Latin, so, there. Orthodox Jewish leaders have sided with the Pope, citing several passages from the Kabala that encourage sodomy. Rabbinical schools both in Israel and in the United States have immediate begun work on the transition of Old Testament passages to a more pro-sodomy version. Conspicuously absent from the worldwide debate on the newfound holiness of sodomy was notorious homophobic American religious fanatical leader Pat Buchanan, whose long time gay lover Art Clokey (the voice of TV’s Pokey, from the claymation phenomenon “Gumby and Friends”) was reportedly celebrating in the West Village with Adam West and your dad. In related news, four hundred and twelve former priests were released from a Georgia medium-security prison, after the state dropped sodomy charges retroactively. Submit your rotten articles to: mbabitz@eden
by Carl Hungus
everyday when I pick you up from kindergarten class... I just can’t wait to touch and feel your boney 5 year old ass your tiny hands make my rod look so big and nice... Remember the time I sodomized you while checking you for head lice? Maybe instead of that trip to Disneyland this year, We’ll rent a porno flick... and that way I can make your bald little coochie, feel so warm and slick!
The Medium Picks a New RU President by Troy Crowder
poetry corner.
Ben Schachtman, (not a journalist – so don’t slit my throat)
Foster Parents Rule! mini
Catholic Church Lifts Ban on Sodomy, Apologizes to Millions
Features
Citrus Fruit
Wednesday, March 90th, 2002
In his letter to the University Community this week, Gene “the machine” O’Hara said the following: “The Chair of the Board of Governors will assure there is opportunity for the various constituencies of the University to contribute suggestions for the statement of the characteristics desired in our next President.” Well, the huge, dysfunctional, inbred Medium family is nothing if not a constituency, so let’s all contribute suggestions! I don’t know anyone on the Banks who thinks they know what’s wrong with the University, so let’s put our genitals together and think of what qualities our future President should have. Here are some obvious ones: 1) MUST DO ANAL. Fran, we know you tried. But you gave far more than your received. That won’t stand. 2) MUST THROW DOWN WITH RU1000. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re part of our life and nearly every Targum. Rather than siccing his peons on them, Fran shoulda dropped the gloves and given the anti-athletics crowd a fight. We don’t care who wins, we want blood! 3) MUST SOLVE CRIME WITH SASS. We need a University President who will get their hands dirty while bringing crooks to justice. Fran was content to sit up in Old Queens and let RUPD get to work, we need someone pounding the beat every day cleaning the crime out of Rutgers. 4) MUST KEEP THE HOT SIDE HOT AND THE COOL SIDE COOL. ‘nuff said. 5) MUST SAY MORE STUPID THINGS. If we don’t have a University official to say stupid things every so often, we’re desperate for material. Fran tried, we know, but that racist remark of his was way back in ’94. This is just a start... I know we can all think of more ideas. Contact your student representatives and let’s make the next President someone to be proud of!
A Critique of Arab/Israeli Violence by An Ill Informed Man Hey there folks, it’s me again, your old friend the Ill Informed Man, or as my buddy Artie likes to call me, the IIM. Yesterday, I heard that one of my Arab neigbors got beaten up by a bunch of hoods. The police don’t know what happened, but I’ll tell you right here and now, it was them Jewish people in Bishop Falls over yonder. They got some heat from the town for building codes, and inspector made them close their Church. That guy was Praslestinio, and let me tell you, I’m willin’ to bet that was the spark that drove em batty. You see, I been watching the news, and you might think it Anti-semistic of me, but I gotta say I don’t like what them Israelis been doin to those Praslestinios, what with the rockets and the tanks and stuff. I know how touchy them Jewish folk are about their warrin. I frankly don’t understand why they’re so mad all the time, they always seem so nice on the TV. But when their violence spills from buses and malls and streets of the desert to the Badger Creek, that’s where I draw the line. I already wrote to that nice fella Jackie Mason, and asked him to talk to his people about it. I thought he’d get back to me right away, but no dice. We’re going to have to fight this kinda violence where it appears, whether its in Czechoslovokian, Tibet, Badger Creek, or Ziontown. I tell you there’s no rocket or tank thats gonna stop me from standing up for whats right, fighting for the rights of everyone not to be beaten up. Unless they’re from Kentucky. I don’t care much for people from Kentucky.
Arts
tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com
Two Jews on Porn by Jason Herskovitz and Cody Burke Arrr Mateys! Join us as we loot and plunder across the high smutty seas with this week’s aquatic adventure, Fuck Ahoy! A tawdry tale which can’t be missed. So stop scaly-wagging ya scurvy dogs! Cody: Jay, that will be quite enough of that pirate crap. Jason: Arr! Walk the plank barnacle breath, shiver me timbers, trust the Gorton’s fisherman. C: You know full well that man can’t be trusted. J: Especially after his 15 year stint up at Attica. Serves the bastard right for breaking into the cabinet and brutally raping Mrs. Butterworth. Uncle Ben nearly died of a heart attack watching his woman savagely penetrated by that fishy fiend! C: You’d think they’d learn after the Mrs. Paul incident. Jay, perhaps we should actually talk about the porn. J: Aye, aye!
J: Oh God, Cody! That shit’s disgusting enough on the Turk as he mercilessly rammed it into her shocked and appalled mouth. All this poor woman wanted was to get some sun at sea, but then out of fucking nowhere, pant-less Ishmael storms the ship, and shoves his ungodly gyro meat down her throat. Now, that’s not kosher! C: It’s as if Alan Funt & the Candid Camera crew were hidden below deck. J: “What Ursula doesn’t know, is that our own Candid Camera actor is about to plunge his peter into her face. Let’s watch as the hilarity ensues.” C: For some reason that episode didn’t make it onto CBS. Come to think, it should have been left off this tape too. Jay, while this obscene odyssey has its maritime merits, overall I wasn’t that impressed. I will however find three candles to incinerate in its memory. J: Well, aren’t you generous, now remember, just one candle lasted eight nights for our ancestors? Which is exactly what this raunchy reel deserves if not for the mid-air sail fuck. Now that took chutzpah! So, against my better judgment, the smut gets bumped up to two candles just for sheer audacity. C: So until next time, this is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed, or neutered. Goodbye Everybody!
C: Now as you may remember I was to pick the cinema de jour, however Jay chose to bring us a Turkish masterpiece, who, mind you, didn’t realize it was Turkish till I pointed out the Turkish flags, t-shirts, and dialog.
Damn kids and their offensive student publications...
J: And, let’s not forget the proper subheading of the title, “Fick Ahoi!” The brutish women screeching “fick me! FICK ME!” throughout confirmed the translation. They wanted to make sure we Yanks understood this was no ordinary fick flick, but one of absurd Turkish proportions.
Wanna get back at Grandma for all those “when I was your age” speeches?
Come to a Medium meeting
C: It was as if they’re representing Turkey in some bizarre international competition. J: Well, Cody it’s a beautiful afternoon as the Turkish Fuck-Sailing Team takes to the course. Last year’s favorites Yuri and Olga seem primed and pumped despite rumors of crippling groin injuries. Yuri supposedly sprained his anchor while masturbating in a life raft, and Olga was said to have gone too far with a piece of fruit. But they look fine as they disrobe. And as I’ve been told, this depraved duo has something special in store for us. Cody? C: They certainly do seem rather randy. We’re in for quite a show as Yuri makes his way up the ladder. Oh, wait, yes, he’s going to be ramming the masthead! J: Right into Olga’s starboard side! while precariously perched atop the sail, 20 feet above the stormy Pacific! Last time someone attempted this risky move it ended in tragedy. 1962 Lay-O-Lympics, the Italian team capsized, crushed under the boat. Antonio Bartucci barely escaped with his life, but Reanna Russo’s frozen corpse had to be crowbarred off his hardened member. C: Tragic Jay. The parents of these competitors pushed and pushed them to succeed. J: “No, no, NO! I said cum on her face, not her ASS! You’re a disgrace to the family! What would grandma Bartucci say!?” C: Olga’s parents however, would be quite proud of her deft one-legged performance on the ship’s ladder. All while Yuri sent his swinging salmon into her slippery scallop. Could’ve gotten bonus points with the judges if they’d just done it upside down. J: Whatcha talking about Cody?! That’s a Five Star Fuck where I come from, and “fick” where they come from. C: Indeed, their routine was certainly superior to the loathsome lesbian scene. J: Man! Thanks alot Cody, I tried to forget that horrifying mess. I was just praying for a seismic tidal wave, drown those repulsive middle-aged muff divers! God Damn! Like watching the ratty-haired, menopausal Tillett lunch-ladies go at it on the S.S. Nausea. Shit, the boat wasn’t moving, but I sure was seasick. C: Oh, Jay, I know about your secret fetish for the lunch ladies, especially the Indian slash card woman. J: Ahhh! Fuck No! Especially since that bitch hates me! Every time I go for grub, that foul beast gives me the Hindi death stare as though I killed her children in a past life. What the fuck!? Am I the only one caught in the grip of her evil gaze? If you, or any of your loved ones experienced this terrible phenomenon, let us know at www.2jewsonporn.com. Wench! C: Oh, she’s gonna love you now! I’d watch out next time your having lunch, they might try to slip something into your Turkish Delight, like, say, the foreskin of the uncircumcised schlub in scene 3?
Alan Funt
Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
and show her how nicely you’ve grown up!
Tonight at 9:00, LSC 113 Capatalists and File Sharing Don’t Mix... Or Do They? (no, they don’t)
by Chris DeSarno People who tuned in to the Grammys last week might have noticed the ten minute rant made in the middle of it by Grammy Awards organiser Michael Greene. The out of place tirade was to warn the American public of the lingering threat that file-sharing presents (if you missed his speech, it’s freely available on Morpheus) He was there to scare people into thinking that the threat from illegal songcopying was still as big as ever ... that it would ultimately destroy the artistic expressions the modern music industry represents. To prove how easy it is to commit these “illegal activities” he had three children download as many songs as possible in two days. He found these students were able to download 6,000 songs that were copyrighted. These children are now serving a 50year-to-life sentence in San Quentin...and rightly so. After all, these are crimes right? It seems to be an oversimplification. Now it's understandable why the suits are upset... the consumer is starting to consume from the wrong place. Peer-to-peer networks are thriving... disseminating information for free (the kind of thing which makes people who believe in intellectual property wince). The music industry has decided to fight the trend in the legal arena; trying to get the technological toothpaste back in the tube. Since the introduction of CDs, the production costs of making an album have dropped significantly... now to under $0.50 for a CD. Yet, CD prices remain higher than ever. The Recording Industry Association of America, along with Mr. Green, would have you believe that file sharing, if left unchecked, will destroy musical expression in America. That’s the same claim that was made with tape recorders came out. “People will just copy tapes... this will destroy the industry!” But the industry survived. What the music industry has to do is accept and embrace the new technology. Give people a reason to buy CDs again. First off, lower the price significantly, something which greed, not neccessity, has kept high. For a five dollar album, I’d much rather just buy it and get the liner notes and artwork than take the time to download it and burn it. Perhaps also packing the discs with multimedia features (such as video) would make the discs more attractve to the consumer. Fighting the technology with legislation will be a losing battle. Of course, there is also the idea that the end of consumable music might actually be a godsend in this day and age. Perhaps money just gets in the way of good artistic expression.
Wednesday, Smarch 6th, 2002 ritch my dearest, remember when i slept in your room...that was hot. you are so hot. we should do that again. we should get out the whips and chains more often. i really liked your leather thongs. what do you think... just curious???? this time i will wear my leather thongs. (Um, well ya see, I have to get up early tommorrow and my penis is a little deformed right now and my leather thong is a dirty and...) Hey cute girl with dark hair that flips up-I see you around sometimes and you are really cute. You remind me a little of me and I bet we would be friends if we knew each other. I saw you reading John Doe in Brower by yourself two weeks ago and I wanted to say hello but I’m too shy. I like to have this little crush on you and your short fippy hair from afar. You should go to a Medium meeting and meet me and all the other people there that need a little extra cuteness around. -Liz ps—don’t worry, I like boys. (Yes. Every Medium editor looks like an alien in their own special way.) 220 teacher-you are not an expos teacher. you are not the smartest person in the world, you make me cry at home. please stop being mean to my mind. (It’s nice to be nice!)
Dear Bubba, To that personmedium poetry hexagon Why is it… als editor that that no quirks me. ROOMMATE HAIKU matter Stop how making I wish u to DiE much fun Wretched UnIbRoW of doom one of god what a lOsEr studme ies for when You will fucking DiE a I send Stop watching your fucking pr0n Rutgers you a perAnd close the damn DoOr exam, It sonal, it’s not !! X_X doesn’t mean funny. It’s a jack shit? hell of a a Because In the end, you just lot better then the shit that get bent over by the prover- someone IMs to you, bial large prison mate named or some asshole asking Bubba. I, just like many others who let the dogs out. here at this school… have be- Just because I don’t mencome nothing more than tion pussy or cocks Bubba’s bitch. Why Bubba, you make fun of mine when why must you haunt us all? I’m doing what I think is an job DON’T YOU KNOW IT ok HURTS? My asshole cannot (Only because you are my take much more. I mean shit, long lost twin in that we at least during orientation here both read the Sports Guy the red shirts could at least hand and we can both say our you some Vaseline…. What the alphabet backwards, I’ll fuck? We’re not ever worth say that I am sorry. that? I pay 13,000 to get my Now let’s forget about ass raped daily, they could at this nonsense and toss least have the common de- each other’s salads.) cency of providing some lubri- To the Daily Targum, I cancant. It hurts! It hurts LOTS. not overemphasize how Me duele mucho. I don’t like happy it makes me filling out getting ass raped… its not the crossword puzzle. I can’t pleasant. Please Bubba, Please get enough AP articles. Stop it. Sincerely, Bubba’s Thank you. Bitch (Rutgers Student Body) To that special someone whose (My roommate’s name is coming home on her spring Bubba, and as a result break. I’m so glad that you’re be with me, my asshole is wider gona than Passion Puddle.) I’m so excited we’re going to (werd EiC) spend a ton of time together. It’s going to be so great, I can’t wait to drag you around my day so you can see how boring it is.
Both of my tits send personals to unibutt@mad. scientist.com
There’s nothing finer than a good pussy-banging.
Personals
“Fuck Kobe.” From Vorhees, 3rd floor: Die Jew. Die, die, die, die, die, die, stop living, die, die, DIE! Do us all a favor and build yourself a fucking junkyard-warrior oven. No wonder your roommate moved out, you dirty (unclean, for those Jews out there) bastard. I hope you choke on your own“Spickh”.
This goes out to the annoying blond in my quant recitation tuesdays on Liv-next time you get a phone call, go in the hallway! Nobody wants to listen to your annoying loud ass v o i c e ! !
To you, I was serious when I said we should drop out of school so we can make babies. Why hasn’t it (Another week, another happened yet? I’ll keep mass of Jews killed. Fab.) my fingers crossed... Rutgers student medium meeting.
9:00 Livingston Student Center Room 113 medium Be there or be square
Ants in yr pants
umm.. okay... i am REALLY INFATUATED with YES DUFFY from roadrules 8. now, this man is the only MAN i can call BEAUTIFUL.. he’s got beautiful skin, a beautiful face, and goddamn beautiful fuckin arms. i’ve looked him up online and taken all the pictures possible.. this guy is my PERFECT guy.. everything i ever wanted in a man is in YES DUFFY.. i wouldnt go so far (That’s the sweetest thing as to say that i love him... but I’ve ever heard. Now he’s just straight up HOT and make sure you fuck her AMAZING in the ass so the weekend in everything he does. isn’t a total waste.) YES DUFFY.. you ARE Mettler Hall, erected in 1962, the MAN! he’s my soulmate.. was named after John W. *tear* haha.. *SMooCHES* Mettler (1878-1952). Mettler, for you! once President of the Council of the National Association of (I have no idea what you’re H o s i e r y saying to me right now.) and Underwear Manufac- Spic McNiggerwop says to turers, was a Trustee always bring a towel. —Love, of Rutgers University, J.E.W. and T.B. 1916-52. So those who (How did the Asians live in Mettler Dorm live in an escape your wrath?) underwear dorm…. To the dumb bitches that got Honey, can you help me get Big Mike kicked out: M. the knot out of Rover’s Diddy’s got a shiny new dildo cock? for ya. Hope you choke on her love juices, you cunts. Whatever happened to the phrase “smooth move”???
(this comic is a metaphor for life. what’s great is you can choose your own meaning) (Um...)
PRIIIIME TIIIIIME.... PRIIIIIME TIIIIIIME.... we’re talking Faggoty PRIIIIIIME TIIIIIIME.... get some football skills, you untalented hack. You’re only impressing yourself, and your hand even rejects you, you fucking southpaw mas-turbater. -Love, Jewish Dave (I always have difficulty balancing my football time and my masturbating time.) To the Jewbag in Meteorologoy: I want to take your circumscised cock in my jaw and bite it off, you motherfucking, yarmulka wearing, torah-borah worshipping reject from the death camps. Your final solution’s coming, you unholy bitch. -Mr. B o j a n g l e s (So much Anti-Semitism in these personals... Must be the Caellian!) Guy Patrick-You suck it hardcore, just like you comic does. Ha ha, I’m got a comic called Clothier it’s got a great background maybe we can get together and I can show it to you.... and by “comic called Clothier” I mean 9 inch cock. (The Guy Patrick suicide watch is now officially on.)
FUCK Is it a new trend to be a homo-sexual? ALL flaming IDEAS (I think their manpurses are cute.)
DID ANYONE SEE HOOBASTANK AT COOK? I HEARD IT WAS ROCKIN’
UNIBUTT@MAD.SCIENTIST.COM
sometimes you have to stop TROOP 666: and think. sometimes you have GOD AND to think to stop. sometimes you HIS CRAZY can't stop to think. sometimes you can't think to stop. sometimes you just want to have pepperoni, but someone gets extra cheese, but you're ok with that, since you like cheese anyway, but you still wanted pepperoni.sometimes there is no end to the madness. (sometimes you to shut
Personals
“Let’s bake shit into brownies and give it to...”
W - 03 - 06 - 02
need up.)
Wanted: Friends. Single white male on rutgers (Liv) looking for friends, girls and guys, whatever cause right now i have none, and im not that bad of a guy. if interested in being my friend email at fastrudmb@hotmail.com (send me a pic and I’ll be your friend.) The only reason for which I awaken in the morning is the LJX
w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t ass. titties. ass AND titties. (that’s pretty sad, why don’t ass. ass. titties. titties. LJX GAVE ME SOMEyou do anal with LJX? I hear ass AND titties. THING TO THINK he likes it in the Jeep Liberty.) ABOUT... GOOD THING I (What happened to a HAD THAT WIRE LJX IS YOUR OWN women’s personality, HANGER, SQUIRREL, PERSONAL MANJUNK intelligence or even cooking AND FIRE EXTINPLAYTOY! and cleaning skills?) GUISHER!
well, it’s not at the Medium meeting, but we’ll make you laugh -guaranteed.
this is some stuff that I needed to write here cause i can’t fit anything else
to the TH1 intro to sociology ta: stop smiling you short-haired dyke. you don’t know what you’re talking about. why don’t you let that hot blond, that always wears blue, teach the class. i would definetly stay awake if i had her in the front of the class rather than you. -robinhood (hey! school is about learning, not hot girls, you (LJX will blastorcize your ass should pay attention even if cause he does anal.) she is a dyke.) To LJX, and the rest of the losers trying to get dates on DC: I will blastorcize your ass with my authentic Jango Fett Mandolorian blaster. Also, to Archebaldo: Jews. Now make me an op you stupid motherfuckers or I will blastorcize your asses too. No offense. Laymil OWNZ!!!! —Cup
PERSONAL OF THE STUPID FUCKING BITCH this is for beckboy. this is the goat that you slept with two weeks ago. you motherfucking baaaastard. I cannot believe you left me there all alone after our wonderful night of passion. considering your penis is a stubby pencil, i should probably not be pissed. i want you to know that the next time you need lovin' that i am not going to be around, cock mongler. i hope your satisfied monkey snatcher. thanks for the two whole seconds!!!!!!!
to that big-mouthed little blond girl in my philsophy class, when will you stop talking? stop trying to explain everyday things as if you are some kind of genius, I know how a projector works too. STOP kicking my fucking chair. It’s really annoying! do you need someone?... a place you can face your fears?
www.themedium.net
(You should not insult Beckboy like that, his penis is hardly a stubby pencil, it’s evem more non-existent than his tight little ass, well if it’s our Beckboy you’re talking about... by the way, beckboy doesn’t fuck goats, he prefers the nice long cocks of horses in his ass - oh and he’s also gay, all Ryans are. ) How can someone have such an enormous ass, that they are twice the span of my torso? Girl, how can you take a fucking dump? Shiet you have a HUGE ASS! Amazing!! (at least she will never fall into the toilet.)
we do not send subliminal messages to read our paper people just enjoy reading trash i mean...
Kidney stones range in color.
TONIGHT Livingston Student Center Room 113 9 pm
medium meetings are scary - I mean... fun REALLY FUN!!
To the editor that posted my personal, thanks. Perhaps <I> want the piston shoved up thanks for sharing.) <my> Jeep Liberty or something? Or may <I’ve> got a 2,500 left handers little civic. Jap crap piece of die each year using shit. Oh wait even better, <I> products designed probably don’t even have a car. for right handers. Hell I would want either <cause I love having things shoved up my Jeep Liberty.>
w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t raisins are nature’s candy The longest name is the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament) is: Malhershalahashbaz
HAAS HAS GREAT HAIR!!!!
(Gee...
come to our meeting come to our meeting come to our meeting
(ha. ha. ha. Now, who would be stupid enough to send a anal.) personal to the editor? FAG)
LJX is the reason for living
w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t (if
you
do
Wednesday, March 6, 2002
“I want an asian guy with a BMW.”
unibutt@mad.scientist.com
to that really hot emo girl with the DC shoes in my Ceramics Class. damn bitch you is fine....whenever I see you wearing your sweaters and glasses you make me want to cry and listen to my Juliana Theory record while drinking soy milk. will you be my little emo girlfriend and we can hold hands at a dashboard confessional show? i went to the post office and paid for a stamp with 34 pennies. and the nice woman said “that’s okay!” rock on woman! oh thank you dustin <Cookiepuss>, kind <Cookiepuss>, benevolent <Cookiepuss>, for letting us ignorant masses know that the news we read everyday might be biased for political and economic gain. i never knew that! you must be really smart to figure that one out. but wait, you’re part of the media too... how am i supposed to know that you’re not telling me that for some personal gain yourself? because nowhere in your article did you tell us poor dumb folk where we could go to get some of your priviledged, underground news sources. you’re no better than the disney or GE, giving us your version of news without any way for us to check it out for ourselves. or do you want us to be dependent on you for the truth? oh kind dustin... To that bitch in my tth5 stat class. Shut the fuck up, who cares what you have to think. I know you always love to sit in the same seat with your faggot of a friend and analyze the class. You’re there to fucking learn, so shut the fuck up. Who cares what you have to think? Our teacher could care less, all you do is make shitty comments that makes everyone in the class want to tie you naked to one of the grease trucks on a Friday night.. bent over so you can take it up the ass all night long. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WHORE!! (Hey, I guess that’s why they call it a FAT BITCH... haha, yeah, um.. yeah, I,uh...cock?) To my roommate who still snores... When I ask if you read the Medium and ask if you read the personals it for a reason. I’m asking you so you know that you’re snoring is so fucking annoying. I know I’ve sent in like 4 personals about this, but fuck-o read it and find out that it’s annoying.
Bathrooms that are male occupied will have a urine smell, thus the line in the mens room is constantly moving. Now, the female bathrooms, which have some flowery scent, will be occupied by many people showering, crapping, pissing, or enjoying the scent. My thesis is the bathrooms that men use hide many things, esp. since men don’t explore bathrooms. Unlike women, who look at every nook of a bathroom, in search for TP or a better scent of the flowers. I have yet to determine what is hidden, so far as money, bodies, or anything of greater significance....like aliens. (I am at a loss for words.) ritch my darling, i am sorry for our misfortune, but it wasn’t my fault. fucking technology, it’s an irresistable evil and something of much convenience, but destroys everything and us. *sigh* if this sucks, it’s not our fault.
Personals As press-liaison, PR analyst, and overall confidante of Patrick, superlative Grand Master of the EE bus, it is my sworn duty to inform you of the following: Patrick reads your articles. Whoever wrote in last week saying they had it from a reliable source that our hero was presented with an offer he couldn’t refuse: your source is correct. However, Patrick was a bit taken aback to hear that he has been dubbed “Pretty Pretty.” He finds this highly amusing, saying that any man in his right mind would consider it a slight to be called pretty. I tried explaining, using the bathroom note paper recovered last fall from the Douglass Student Center as reference material, that ‘pretty’ is not an insult in girltalk, especially cell-phonebarbie-talk. However, he remains skeptical. Thank you for your continued input, and a Merry March to all.
I didn’t even know how to comment on this picture, why don’t you come up with your own analysis, because this guy surely puzzles me. Gay? Freak? Weirdo... definitely a combination of everything that isn’t quite the norm... Personal of WAYY too long Why do you get to write? You’re an idiot. Why are you complaining all the girls are dropping out of classes, doesn’t that just open up the field on all the guys for you? Or do you like a little competition when you try to rail a straight guy in the ass. The only amusing things in your article were the comments thrown in by the Ops Ed. Everything else wasn’t even interesting. Why don’t girls want to be philosophers? Because Philosopher is the equivalent of street bumb. You wanna find a female philosopher to stimulate you, put a bottle of wine on a string and drag it through an alley on a piece of string. You’ll surely lure a whole bunch of philosophers out, pick out the female one, and your set. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up because no one cares that your philosophy classes are all guys. What do you expect, it’s a class on thought...when did you meet a girl who could do that. Especially at RU, most of them can’t do anything but think about drinking, whoring, and sucking frat cock. That’s the extent of their “thoughts”. You want women, go to a frat party, you want to learn, go to class. I would make this thing well written, but i’ve had far too little sleep, and I give too little a fuck to go up and fix it. So if you don’t like it, eat me. B
(why do people write such long personals? we don’t have room, we’re up to our heads with stuff to print.)
here is the answer to the stupid question why aren’t there more girls in upper level philosophy classes: because we know a waste of time when we see it. it’s not that girls don’t “get” philosophy- it’s not all that deep despite what you’ve fooled yourself into thinking-it’s that we have better things to do than sit around yelling our opinion on the “infinite possibilities of finite reality perceived through the lense quantum leap probability fields crystalizing universal sartre application theory” bullshit crap. only guys would think it’s important to sit in a room of guys and shove your opinion on reality down each other’s throats. girls have better things to do, like getting my biology homework done so i can suck some dick before bedtime. To Eddie “ Pajarito” Van Halen, and Dr. Freud, my regards and respects. When are you gonna do your fucking chores??? Are you waiting for me start??? Kristy Kreme...can you believe it?? coughing up blood makes me feel like an artist (painting w/ my period makes me feel like an artist.)
more porn! more porn! i need more porn! thank you medium for supplying me in the past, but your recent issues have been lacking. more porn! You used to walk around College Av. You had an L.L. Bean blue Backpack, I used to see you at Easton Av, Gym..I used to look at your blonde short hair while you were jogging around college av. . You were tall and skinny and beautiful. That was 98, perhaps also 99, 2000, then you dissapeared..where are you??? (maybe she graduated???) Hey STD-I mean, SDT-The new shirts you guys are wearing around are ridiculous. You have nothing to be cocky about!! to that black gay man, named Chris- my gucci glasses are as real as they can get & the $200 bill my mom got proves it, you’re not a drunk, but i am on drugs so who cares
To laruh, my bitch of a roommate, why must you call me emo? its becoming tiresome. dude, please, i dont listen to dashboard or the juliana theory. com’on, just because i wear thick rimmed glasses and have short black hair, doesnt mean i am emo. cant you like people for being cool, and not just because they are “hardcore” or “straight Edge”. say it one more time and i’m going to fuck you up, whore! yes, i am angry! ANGRY! love, the 1970’s looking nerd(not emo). To that guy with the huge afro that was in the CAC computer lab on monday night... Dude, you are not in the strokes. Fucking get over yourself. You belong in some weird Review article about how people like you are destroying the music business because your hair scares indie kids away. Go fuck a beehive you ass hornet. www.bigempire.com/filthy
What’s Shakin’
“Rhymes with...’passhole’”
Wednesday, March 6, 2002
up in NYC... Wed 3/06 Houston C.B.G.B. Wed 3/06 Tesla Irving Plaza Wed 3/06 Pinback Knitting Factory Thu 3/07 Lava Baby Arlene’s Grocery Thu 3/07 Spookie Daly Pride Lion’s Den Fri 3/08 Fighting Gravity Lion’s Den Fri 3/08 Uptown Sinclair Mercury Lounge Fri 3/08 Johnny Society Village Underground Sat 3/09 Rick James & The Stone City Band B.B. King’s Blues Club Sat 3/09 The Samples Irving Plaza Sat 3/09 Pretty Girls Make Graves Knitting Factory Sun 3/10 Sahara Hotnights C.B.G.B. Sun 3/10 Soundtrack Of Our Lives C.B.G.B. Mon 3/11 And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead Bowery Ballroom Mon 3/11 Need New Body Knitting Factory Tue 3/12 Explosions In The Sky Bowery Ballroom Tue 3/12 Five For Fighting Irving Plaza Tue 3/12 Bad Religion Roseland
Sunday Night:
Mindless Self Indulgence Bowery Ballroom, NYC Show starts @ 8
FaFa is KING of Rutgers... and a damn good rugby player - so listen to him and me when we tell you that you need to see the WOMENS RUGBY GAME this Saturday, March 9th, on the Sports Club field across from silvers apts on busch - you’ll like it, you’ll love it, you’ll want more of it... I think this picture is completely sexxxy...and if you like your guys, and gals, already bruised, you know what to do...
NAKED!!!!
ON CAMPUS 3/6 - Pi BCC 8pm $1 3/8 - Vanilla Sky RSC $1 3/8 - Coffeehouse: “RU Slamworthy 2” - RSC 8pm 3/10 - Welcome to the Dollhouse DCC 8pm
SPECIAL HAPPY COLOR TIME Gerbert says: Jesus loves you! submit your events to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com Come to a Laotian Birthday Party! or a Medium Meeting! One or the other will be tonight at the LSC, room 113, at 9pm
Local Groove Thu 3/07 NAS Krome Fri 3/08 Zen Tricksters Stanhope House Fri 3/08 Agnostic Front Krome Ringling Bros./B&B Circus March 6-10 Continental Airlines Arena