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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xxxix Issue XVIII
50¢
March 4th, 2009
VEGAN MEAT ABOLISHED BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
Hipsters Revolt
New Brunswick – As a desperate, last resort measure to deal with the Big Ol’ Recession, the Brower lunchladies have made a collective executive decision to stop buying vegan lunchmeat for sub night takeout. “Vee feel thees ees zee bist option, geeven zee circumstances,” commented Frau Fakrempt, speaking under her hair net. “Vee only haf zee bist interest of zee students in mind. Graaavy??” The Rutgers community at large seems to be taking the news badly. An afroed, suspicious smelling dude named Ian was quoted saying, “This is bullshit, man. Animals are too cute to eat...[They] should at least give us some vegan nugs’, or something.” In retaliation, campus vegetarians will be burning Richard McCormick in effigy next to the Sinclair Slaughterhouse and Meat Packing Research Center (located on Cook Campus) at 4:20 tomorrow afternoon.
A PUBLIC FORUM
“World’s Strongest” Speaks OSAKA, JAPAN – Dutchman Jeroen von Aüermater won the annual Worlds’ Strongest Man competition Upon inquiry about what it’s like lifting awkward, misshapen stones, von Aüermater responded with, “It’s hard because they’re awkward and misshapen.”
This is the actual sign at the Brower Takeout line, snapped via cameraphone by Medium Reporters
NJ Water Watch Appalled at Amount of Raw Sewage Dumped in RU Bathrooms BY GIRL PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK - It happens behind closed doors, but what goes on is no secret. NJ Water Watch estimates that about 10,000 gallons of raw sewage are clandestinely dumped into RU bathrooms every day, contributing to air contamination and trace levels of sludge in the toilet bowls. “It’s disgusting,” said a Water Watch representative. “When people got a load of crap they want to get rid of, they automatically assume they can dump it in the bathrooms. These are public areas that need to be kept pristine.” Some students engage in the
practice of emptying their bowels into the bowls as frequently as twice a day. Without any evidence of the activities, however, most dumpers will not face any repercussions. Water Watch is currently creating a reporting program that A typical incident of “toilet time,” as it is will allow students to colloquially referred to provide University law enforcers with evidence of dump- how it got there. She meekly replied ing. that she had no idea. “It’s going to In a pilot test of the pro- be hard,” said the agent, “but until gram, an undercover agent con- some convictions are issued this fronted a female student regarding a problem isn’t just gonna solve itScott Hall dumping, asking her just self.”
Post-Modernism for Dead Babies ESTABLISHED 1970