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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
Volume xli Issue xvIX
50¢
MARCH 9th, 2011
BALLIN'
PILE OF MONEY TO PLAY FOR KNICKS BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
HALF COURT—With the recent acquisition of Carmelo Anthony, fans of the New York Knicks were very excited about the future. Combined with the offseason acquisition of Amare Stoudemire, the team looked prime for a deep playoff run. Unfortunately, taking on this new salary has led to some cutbacks elsewhere, such as on the court with their new starting center, a pile of $8.4 million dollars. After the trade for Anthony, trades and releases led to a huge hole in the middle. Fortunately, a solution was lying in the Knicks office. “We just had it lying around my desk,” explained Knicks owner James Dolan, “And we figured, ‘Hey, why not put this money to good use?’” Problems with this strategy were revealed in last Friday’s loss to Cleveland though. The pile had no mobility whatsoever, and it had hands of stone. Furthermore, it did little in stopping Antwan Jamison, who went wild scoring 28 with 13 rebounds. Furthermore, others in the organization are angry with the
Air Force Unintentionally Launches Unmanned Spacecraft "Dear God, what's Johnson doing over in the bathroom?! Said Air Force Deputy Richard McKinney as the unmanned rocket roared across the Cape Canaveral skyline last Saturday.
Jersey Tomato Vending Machine Still has some Kinks "Damn! It went splat AGAIN!" Said disgruntled accountant James Guiles.
DON'T TELL THE NFL! It may take a while to find a uniform that fits... deal. “This has Isiah Thomas’s fingers all over it, usurping my authority,” complained Knicks President Donnie Walsh, “Furthermore, they overpaid for the pile. I would’ve only given him the league minimum.” Despite all this, the Knicks are still thrilled. “Look at how many charges this pile drew,” noted head coach Mike D’Antoni, “He didn’t move his feet one bit.” There’s also the benefits fi-
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WOMEN'S LOSS TO UCONN ATTRIBUTED TO BAT BOY BY DEVON MCCLAINE CONTRIBUTING WRITER
CONNECTICUT—Despite a large amount of effort on the part of the majority of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, the team still suffered a loss. This loss, in the semifinals of the Big East Tournament, was due in part to the sportsmanship of a new recruit simply known as "Bat Boy." "I was so upset to hear that we lost," said student Mark Piltz. "I mean, why is a boy playing on the team? Let alone a bat boy." A musical, based on the story of the mysterious boy, who also prefers to be called "Edgar" will be presented by the College Avenue Players March 25th and 26th as well as April 1st and
NEWS QUICKIES
nancially. “The cap hit is much cheaper than our previous big man. We save $4 million,” beamed Dolan, “Even better, his contract expires after the year, freeing up space to go after Chris Paul.” In the meantime, the Knicks are looking at starting other inanimate objects. According to Zagsblog.com, the team is currently scouting a MetroCard machine in Penn Station to play at the 2.
"We've confirmed that drinking from Katy Perry's miraculous jugs will help give you a very strong bone-no wait, backtrack... Give you very strong bones," said FDA spokesman Don Santos.
ALL WASHED UP
Band Playing Basement Show Overshadowed by Water Heater, Washing Machine BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
2nd in Scott Hall 135. Tickets for students will be $5 and General Admission will be $8. The preceding article was a paid advertisement for "Bat Boy: The Musical." It does not represent the views or opinions of The Medium staff, except that this musical is going to be awesome. www.collegeaveplayers.com
FDA Labels Katy Perry's Breast Milk as "Most Nutritious"
HAMILTON ST.—Local band "The Morons" were dismayed to find their recent set at a local basement show, 30 minutes of breathless and melodic punk rock, overshadowed by a riveting, emotionally engaging performance by the in-house water heater and washing machine. At first things seemed to be going well for the young band. The crowd broke from their conversations with growing interest as they went through a quick sound check. Yet as soon as they launched into their first song, “Everything Should Die,” the washing machine kicked on,
Quick as a Whip...
ESTABLISHED 1970
drawing everyone’s full attention to the beginning light spin cycle of apparently unsorted colors and whites. “It was incredible,” one attendee commented. “The visceral thrashing of the wash cycle, the thumping, pounding intensity of the dryer – it really spoke to me as social commentary. There was something raw, primal, and so fascinating about the tonal complexity of these automated machines, and what they have to say about human nature.” The performance then moved onto the water heater, which began hissing and trembling as it struggled to maintain warm ...continued on Page 2