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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue XVII
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www.themedium.net
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
I TOTALLY FUCKED YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE YOU WERE IN THE OTHER ROOM, NO LESS CAL EN STAFF WRITER
Listen, bro? Listen. Last night, man. Last night I totally fucked your girlfriend. You don’t even know, man. You just don’t even know. Remember how we, like, went into the next room bro? So we could “talk” and shit? We weren’t fucking talking, bro. We were fucking. Bro. For your own good, bro. For your own good I’m going to tell you these things. Ok?
You’re going to need to stop beleiving that your girlfriend and I are going to talk about “private matters.” The only private matters in that room were bumpin’ into each other. If you know what I’m sayin’. Bro. How could you not have known that we were fucking in just the other room? Like, at first we were trying to be quiet and shit, but eventually we started getting loud as hell. The animalistic grunts that I emmitted, combined with her heaving gasps of pas-
sion should have alerted you to the fact that fucking was going on. Of course, what the fuck am I bro? Who the fuck am I that I would fuck your girlfriend not long after I met her. What the shit am I to actually fuck her, not only while you were around, but while you were in the very next room. That shit is pretty fucked up, bro. Ok, bro? Let’s just admit both parties are pretty fucked up. I’m fucked up because I fucked your girlfriend while you were in the
President McCormick Announces New Scheme to Fight Budget Cuts SECOND COMING CONTRIBUTING WRITER
From his office on Old Queens, University President Richard McCormick announced to the University community Rutgers’ plan to fight looming budget cuts. “I received a very formal sounding email from a ‘dear friend’ of mine, Mr. Dan Mustaf, explaining the terrible predicament in which he is held,” McCormick began. It appears this old friend of President McCormick has a “surplus sum of Fifty MillionUnited States Dollars” (sic) in the bank account of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation. The deal being struck between the two parties, sources have leaked, promises the University will receive 40% of the $50 million we help transfer—or $20 million. This major windfall has been preemptively earmarked to begin construction on a retractable roof for the foot-
ball stadium. The Rutgers Stadium Doming project will cost another $90 million, but with $20 million promised to the University already, McCormick said he and the board of governors feel quite comfortable making this purchase. Clearly Contacting McCormick because of his prestige, position of power, and the absence of any oversight over his fiscal policies, Mr. Mustaf has thus far asked President McCormick for a few pieces of information to initiate the transfer. They include: full name, contact address, private telephone and fax numbers, and company name. As a sign of good faith, McCormick sent Mr. Mustaf that information along with bank statements, credit card numbers, tax returns, and any other credible financial information he felt would be helpful. “Things are finally looking up for this shit hole University,” McCormick closed.
next room. Your girlfriend is fucked up because she fucked me while you were in the next room. You’re fucked up for allowing shit like that to happen. “Shit like that” refers to, of course, me fucking your girlfriend in he other room. I wouldn’t put up with that shit if I were you. If I were you, I would find the guy that fucked my girlfriend while I was in the other room, kill him, chop him up, and put him through a meat grinder, bro. Then, I would to-
tally fucking, cook him and feed him to my cheating girlfriend. After she totally fucking ate your flesh I would give her the big reveal, “Did your lover taste as good now as he did when you fucking him while I was in the other room?” The lover, of course is referring to me, the dude that fucked your girlfriend while you were in the other room. So bro, this may seem pretty fucked up, but that’s just the way it is.
Valentine’s Day Rapist Still At Large JOHNNY BIBOTCH CONTRIBUTING WRITER
It has been almost two weeks since the still-at-large Valentine’s Day Rapist struck the town of New Brunswick, raping over 23 women throughout the course of the day, and young college men could not be happier. “I was driving my girl to the movies and we were going to hit up dinner afterwards. I had presents in the trunk and everything, the whole day was going to cost me about 200 bucks. As we get to a red light, this dude puts a gun to my girlfriend’s head and tells her to get out. He starts raping her and I just drove off. I ended up able to return the gifts, and now I can finally buy that flat screen for the frat house.” Says Big D of Delta Phi. Men with girlfriends have known about the Valentine?s Day
The Weekly of Ironic Fingerpointing
Rapist for many years. They consider it to be a sort of lottery system; only the lucky will have their girlfriends raped. A fraternity brother known simply as “Meat” had this to say about the rapist: “I mean, one time I told Sarah we should walk down in Deiner park for a while, and after three hours, I figured I didn’t get lucky, and I had to actually take her out and shit. Fuckin’ awful. I missed a Madden tournament over that shit.” While the total count of women raped since the Valentine’s Day Rapist’s spree began seven years ago is only 107, it is speculated that he has at least 20, hopefully even 30 more years of raping ahead of him. RUPD declined to make a statement.
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
“I’ll call it ‘Roommates that Play Video Games’, it’s totally original.”
Panel of 3rd Graders: “Fire is really, really cool.” Cal En STAFF WRITER
When most people think of fire, they think of burning, destructive death. However, through the eyes of a child, fire is totally different thing. “Fire goes whoosh and it burns and it glows and it’s pretty and it’s really really cool!” exclaimed panel head Toby Richards. Richards’ enthusiasm was had by all, as the children were very interested in discussing fire and its many uses. “I heard that the mob uses fire to burn things they don’t want anymore,” said Johnny Thompson, a panel member, “but my mom yelled at me when I tried to burn my sister.” “Girls have cooties,” added Thompson. The panel was given matches and kindling to use, in order for them to accurately judge the effects of fire. Unfortunately the matches had to be taken away after severe burns hospitalized half of
the panel. “[Panel member] Joey [Jameson] lighted a match and threwed [sic] it at my head!” said Max Pollack, panel member, “my hair went on fire and now I’m at the hospital!” After the debaucle with the matches, the panel began discussing things they believed would be the coolest to burn. After obvious choices like fireworks, more fire, and teachers/ homework were discussed, a heated debate began. “I said that burning teachers would be the best, but Johnny [Thompson] kept saying that burning homework was better,” said panel head Richards,.“I think its because he has a crush on Mrs. [Nancy] Goodwin.” The accusation was met with a rousing song of “Mrs. Goodwin and Johnny sitting in a tree...” The result was “a baby in a baby carriage.” Following the song, Johnny Thompson
“Heck Yeah!” shouted the panel, when presented with this picture of a wildfire in Montana. resigned from his post on the panel, citing the obvious bias against him that could be felt from the other panel contributors. After the panel was over, the panelists’ parents picked them up, mostly pleased with the results. “Oh, I’m so glad that I got Toby out of the house,” said Mrs. Richards, “all he
Demarest Residents Alarm Other Demarest Residents “This one dude stared at a wall for like three hours, man.” Cal En STAFF WRITER
With what is described as “general weirdness” occurs every day in your residence hall, it is sometimes cause for concern. There was this one dude we used to call “Creepy Charlie”: he used to hang out outside your room and just stare in, as if he was
judging you or something, it freaked us all out. Demarest Hall has long been known as the “weirdo dorm” which is not always fair to the normal that are housed within. “I’m a philosophy major, so I thought it would be cool to dorm with likeminded individuals,” said Judith Carly, a first year SAS student, “but those motherfuckers are weird as
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Rutgers News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
A Medium is fine too
Cover by: Sankhara, my Nirvana cover band.
does is watch YouTube videos of fire, it’s not healthy!” President Bush, in response to the panel, had this to say: “These kids have a lot of good ideas. And, as the Bible says, ‘From the mouth of babes, comes... something good, or something to that effect.” Shortly afterwards, President Bush signed into
law the Presidential order to burn all homework, saying that the kids in the panel brought a lot of good ideas to the table. “Never liked the stuff anyways [sic]” concluded Bush.
hell. They stay up all night a brain would have moved and only ended when memand go to Brower in a giant out by now. bers decided that they hadn’t crowd, where they get up The discussion on had a smoke in over half an on chairs and dump shit on whether or not being normal hour, and left simultaneousthemselves. is classified or not as being ly for a cigarette break. “Like, what the fuck an oppressed minority is up Outside they saw a is up with that?” to debate, ironically by resi- squirrel and chased it for an According to the dents in Demarest Hall. hour, eventually giving up last Demarest census, taken While the debate be- and forgetting where they at the end of the 2007 winter gan with a disturbing game were or how they got there. semester, the hall is about that resembled wall ball, 60% weirdos, 35% normal distressing replacement for people, and 5% “undecid- the ball, it began in earnest ed.” WEATHER OR NOT However, It’s... uh... I don’t know, look outside. these numToday bers are exDo I look like a fucking medium to you- ah funny! Tonight pected to be Friday Thursday inflated, as teller; it’s most people A medium is a funny cuz with half fortune it’s a pun.
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Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Supersex Fantastic Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Horton Al P. Barbara Reed
Personals Editors Corey Fineman Ryan Barton Photographer Helen Ortiz What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Alison Fisher Advertising Manager Gary Klimowicz Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to FEASTING ON THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT, MAY THOSE SOULS STAY AS SUCCLUENT AND DELICIOUS.
FEATURES
Wednesday, Febuary 27th, 2008
“Happy B-day EiC, and have fun on your morning exam tomorrow.”
TO AN OLD AND DYING MAN
Bear Fantasy BY SEXXXY THE GRIZZLY BEAR
It’s always been a fantasy of mine to be a sex Bea Arthur slave for 2 bears, male and female, pleasing the male Peppermint and cigarettes overwhelm me when she’s tired, and vice Surround you, engulfed in mothballs and old cardigans versa. I want to touch you. Slowly sliding my lips up and down his thick Your flesh sags, clinging for dear life, shaft, tasting his pre-cum Like an old purse I once owned, on my tongue. Once he’s Draped over your skeleton which I can clearly see had enough of that, he rolls Vericose veins pulsating with excitement over onto his back, lifting me up as though I weighed Sensodyne and formaldahyde escape your breath, nothing. Gently placing me Mouth open yearning for sweet kisses on his cock, I guide him in, Drool lovingly drip along the sides of your mouth feeling him stretch me wide You wipe it away, thick arthritic fingers shaking for control open. I moan with pleaPop in a wearthers original candy sweet lady sure, feeling him fill me Ill split it for easier consumption up. He growls softly, I Mixed with synthetic saliva feel it rumble deep in his Oh you’re heavenly chest, vibrating all the way down his body and through I lay my head on your pacemaker and our hearts beat in mine. He continunison ues to lift me up and then ...sort of pull me down. He’s doing all the work for me, it feels so good, the warmth of the we run our fingers through each others hair, fur, his paws either side yours, float off in clumps of my waist. He is in total drop to the floor like human carpet half dyed GVIE TIHS I can see your scalp RANDEIG A SOHT Graze my lips against the bare skin Hey terhe lyoal (and dloyWarm, crusts off onto my lip balm isal, acaltluy taht’s a snyyLick my lips, taste you nom for duoohcabeg) reLike sun chips left out too long dares, do you rezlaie taht you are cpaalbe of rdinaeg open your pillbox baby, its round two tihs pssaage, aoulthgh it tuesdays over is all jbumled up and disyour vioxx is done bobulaotmecd. Taht is lets make this like its your last rghit, ppeole, you can raed look at me, eyes opalescent blue from cataracts tihs, and if hvae the alitbiy to raed waht I am tinpyg, remove me from my youth tehn, you sulhod do as I say die in my arms you sohuld. Eervy Wdsill wait till the nurse leaves deneay at 9:15 we meet in round three, Bea room 113 of the Lioinvgstn Sdtuent Ceentr. Tihs rlealy Editors Note, is the peerfct tmie for you to cmoe, and beelive me, You so need to come to we are not fssuy aubot who we let in. So come anlog a meeting one of these one of teshe dyas. Aslo, we days, and no this is not wlil gvie ten dlaolrs to any new ppleoe. Aslo, trhee a shameless adveriseis an eanntrce fee of 10 dlaolrs. Or if you are too ment for people to come lzay to get off yuor aesss then sned a smiiossubn to to our meetings, that is FTEAURS@ THEMIEUDM.NET in the next column. By Katrina Cleofe
THE MEDIUM
control, I’m just nothing compared to his vast size and strength, but I have total trust in him, I know he won’t hurt me. I feel the pace quicken, almost imperceptibly. I slowly stroke myself, feeling myself nearing the point of no return coming closer with every stroke. I can hear the growl getting louder now; he speeds up even more,forcing me further and further down onto his thick cock. If it wasn’t for the fact I my body is releasing so many endorphines, I would probably be screaming in agony. Except I am panting and whining, just like a bitch, begging her mate to fill her up. His claws dig in deeper, the pain, its excsquisite. It sends me over the edge. My head goes back, I let out a short grunt, I feel my cock explode, covering
his chest fur in my seed. I keep stroking, it looks as though I’m trying to rip my cock out. I let out another grunt, another torrent flows forth, then another and another. A drop lands on the beasts muzzle. He seems confused for a moment. That’s what I think. He digs his paws in even harder now and slams me onto his cock, I feel his grumble turn into a roar. He’s cumming, oh my god. I can feel in, filling me up. It’s undescribable. He’s mating with me, he’s claimed me. I feel him slow, his cock still throbbing within me, it seems as though there’s no more room for his cum. It’s dripping out of me, onto his fur. I reach down, and then bring my hand up, tasting him. It’s more than I ever expected. It’s heaven...
Did you know that you could get free money from the Targum. That’s right fill out the above form and bring it to the Targum office in the Student Center, and they will mail you a check. In case you didn’t look at your term bill, you would have noticed that $9.75 was labeled as a Targum fee. Did I say that their EiC has a $40,000 yearly salary.
The Daily Targum
REFUND SLIP N a m e
R U I D P.O. Box School Y e a r Signature D a t e Cut this out and bring it to the Daily Targum usiness Office in Suite 431 of the Rutgers Student Center. Do this by March 25, and they will mail you a check for $9.75. Seriously, they’re obliged to, so go ahead. Besides, the Targum gets a huge amount of advertisement money, and considering so few of you will actually take up this offer, they won’t get hit hard anyways, but still give it a try.
THE MEDIUM
OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 27th 2008
“That art chick is cute. Tell her I have a thick member.”
RUTGERS IS SQUANDERING YOUR AWESOME CASH By: The Medium Staff Here at The Medium, we feel the money that Rutgers collects from student fees to allocate to student clubs and organizations is being grossly misappropriated. So we are taking the time to highlight some examples. The lesbian and gay clubs together received $12,000 this semester. Lesbians don’t need anything. They are awesome enough as it is. They only need to videotape themselves licking each other while they do laundry. How unfair is that. That’s all the fund raising they need. Here’s a good one: the Paul Robeson club got $4,156 to put on a fashion show. I’m pretty sure he was one of only 2 black communists who ever existed. Why would communists need a fshion show, don’t they all
everything I said. Coffee house and Jesus awareness week celwear rags they find in the goulag? God damn com- ebrations are being held by Indian Christian Fellowmies. The student linux ship. First off, I think everyuser group got $702 bucks. one on the fucking planet is Isn’t linux free? Installlfest, aware of Jesus. We know fuck that. Sounds like Geek Squad overcharging us noobs again. Asian Acapella group got $5,287.50. THEY DON’T EVEN USE ANY INSTRUMENTS. How much practice do you need to sing “Ching chong ding dong”? Ok, religious who he is - that saves us algroups, you are just as most 2 grand. All religions suck guilty. Chabad jewish organization got $6,187.50 for ass. Salam, the Muslim Stua mitzvah marathon and a dent Association of RU got a grand purim harmony. WTF whopping $6,945 smackers. is that. I though you had Aren’t you supposed to lead Jew gold? They control the a life of poverty? Cough up banks anyway, so there’s no the dough biatches. RU Choice, the pro use arguing this one. Now that I think about it, please choice group I assume, got send us money, I take back $1188.75. God damn, rusty
“First off, I think everyone on the fucking planet is aware of Jesus.”
hangers are expensive these days. Miss Vietnamese New Jersey Pageant being held by The Vietnamese Student Association got more money then you have made in your entire life, an amazing $4,942.50. SPOILER ALERT: The winner did a little love you long time on the judges for 5 bucks. Raise your rates please, and save us all some dough. Rutgers Union Estudiantil Puetorriquena got $6,492. Last semester they got over 10 grand. Gee where’s the money going *sniff sniff*. (Um I meant tissues.) Also at least 2 publications THAT DON’T EVEN FUCKING PRINT got over 5 grand. Hanwoori, Objet Dart, ever heard of these? Didn’t think so, no one has. WHAT YOU, THE READER, NEEDS TO DO:
Please write some emails to the adminisrtation in support of student groups that actually accept all students, and benefit all students (most notably The Medium.) Anyone can join The Medium. Those who aren’t involved in making The Medium can still enjoy our paper. We include all ethnicities, all religions, all majors, all genders, all colleges, all level of study, and all sexual orientations. We actually encourage academic pursuits. Creating a paper is more credible than throwing a fucking party just because you popped out your mom’s vagina a certain color.. “They print nudity, they use curse words.” Wah wah wah. Who the fuck cares. It’s always the morality police who are the biggest fucking hippocrites.
A Word from your Editor-in-Chief
Everything in the above article is true. Don’t believe me? Check it out at rusa.rutgers.edu, Spring 2008 Allocations. Your darling Medium got a mere $4,900 some dollars just to print- and we don’t pay ourselves. In fact, that money is barely enough for 6 issues- HALF A SEMESTER. And I just want to throw it out there- all student organizations are funded by your student fees. Even religious groups. At a PUBLIC STATE UNIVERSITY... Ever hear of the Establishment Clause in the First Amendment? Yeah, that thing that makes it unconstitutional and illegal for public monies going to religious groups. Look into it sometime. Anyway, love and kisses-- Ryan Barton
Happy Black History Month From the Official Medium Black Guy
Dear Daily Targum-
Love,
Wednesday, February 27, 2007
ARTS “ Remember the meat loaf.”
CANDY COATED PIC UNT
THE MEDIUM By Meat Head Sandwich
The gum dropped road to candyland is paved with good intentions, and by good intentions we at THE MEDIUM mean a whole lot of candy coated naughty parts for you and all your tardy lil pals. So before you sprinkle your cone, or lick your lolly, be on the look out for some other hidden treats in addition to your familiar friends below. CAN YOU FIND:
* Jolly laying a real candy cloud *Gramma Nut handeling some scrot *King Kandy exploring in the lollipop woods *Princ Lolly *Cross drin lumpy *Lord Licorice gettin peermint sticked *Gloy *Queen Frostine gettin frosted *FruitStripe *Mike N Ike *The candyland kids *A sweedish fish
THE MEDIUM Dear dyslexic kid in my econ class: 3,836 is not the same thing as 3,386. Go back to elementary school, dick.
PERSONALS
“I ekil ot etirw ekil siht useaceb ti sessip uoy ffo. sihT t’nsi hsirebbig rehtie.”
Presidents Day or any National Holiday ceases to exist. Either Rutgers hates America or STATE SCHOOLS need not listen to the (Hey, hey, come on. To government. Fuckgers. me it sounded like I was reading it right.) Taco induced sleepys. I has dem. To that kid sitting next to the dyslexic kid: you’re a fag. You all suck at Rock Band! I can’t wait to get written ( S e r i o u s l y . ) up cause you’re being loud p r i c k s . To my roommates: remember, it’s custom- (You should join in, you ary and courteous to anti-social d-bag. Rock flush the fucking toilet band is fun for all!) after you take a piss in it. Not like you’ve been doing To the cop Saturday night it since you were three or who shined his light at me in anything, but there’s no front of the Grease Trucks: reason to leave your piss I was just trying to pick up marinating in the toilet for my friend’s girlfriend real seven hours. quick. No need to make that “WHOOP WHOOP” noise, Dear Tivo: I love what you’re I know what I’m doing is doing for me, but you need wrong. I really appreciate you to chill it with recording following me for three all those Mythbuster epi- straight blocks too. Which sodes. I mean really, when brings me to my next personal: am I ever going to watch 15 episodes in one day? Then To those drunk kids that alagain, why does The Discov- most walked directly into ery Channel run it that much? my car Saturday night: thank Anything’s better than you so much for givSmash Labs though. Fuck ing the cop who was tailthat fucking skank bitch. ing me something to do. Your fucking dumb Dear Wii Shopping Network: drunken stupor made me feel you have no idea how badly I much better about myself. I want to play Streets of Rage mean of course, I was doing 2, but when you won’t take nothing wrong, whereas you my credit card information, almost walked in front of I have no choice to get angry a fucking car that has four with you. I didn’t mean headlights. You’re clearly what I said, I love you so. in the wrong and probLet’s be friends and let me ably charged with public download you. i n t o x i c a t i o n . (Yeah, I wrote that. Later on I figured out how to do it. Best fucking $8 I spent was buying that game. Sure emulators can do it for free, but this legal my friend.) That? Yeah that’s what we call error propagation. Wait, did I really just say that? Fuck Measurements. I don’t want to learn anything in the class but looks like I am. So when it’s cold and snowy out, where do you think the bicycle lady on Busch goes? Does she just sit in her basement and practice riding around campus, listening to the radio and smoking on a stationary bike? God’s she’s creepy.
Wednesday, February 27th 2008
Mom, I love you, but it’s weird when you text me when you’re at class. Even weirder is the ass emoticon emails, with the the asshole that gets around: (_o_). Yeah... kinda weird.
You stupid bitch in my emerging scholar program, holy shit, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up! I hate you. You say the dumbest fucking shit, I want to punch you in the face 1,000 times.
No. No you may not play A gay boy wished for a plan- my Wii. It’s not going back et full of unicorns. Planet into the living room. Why? unicorn. Unicorn planet. Well, I can’t remember the reason, but it stays in my room. UPGRADE ARE FAILED! I saw a star beneath the stairs. (I feel asleep. If you Glowing through the meltget that reference ing walls. Who will be the you win $1,000,000.) first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I Davey Havok, we’re out the star beneath the stairs? of vegetarian chili. All we Am I the ghost upon the have is beef chili. “Oh...” stage? Am I your anything?
Jeddo, you?re living on the edge man. Secret secret!! Jake, you’re all nervous. I love you. It’s cute, no homo. Watchung? Really?! No Way!!! I love you As soon as I found out there were no classes I started to get shitfaced. Unfortunately, it was 6 AM. Fortunately, I passed out around 9 AM so all is well. Go RU! It was fine out that day!
(Personally, I woke up to people screaming in the courtyard where I live. They were either yelling about that or someone was getting stabbed. R.F., I really wanted to say Golden Oreos: how can I I hope it was the latter.) hi to you at the Rock Wall, be racially sensitive but say but I’m not sure you’d white is better than black To that drunk shitfuck on Colremember me. I was in your when it comes to you? lege Ave walking backwards physics class and my female I mean really, Nabis- into traffic while saying friends think you’re hot. So co did that on purpose. goodnight to his drunk skank you really are as good of a female friend: I know as you’ve alluded His name is Dr. Rockso, what it’s like to be drunk. to at rock climbing. he’s the Rock and Roll The world seems soft and like clown. He does cocaine. nothing can go wrong when (You, my friend, are what you, you know, walk fucking we like to call a stalker.) (I DO COCAI-I-AINE!!!) BACKWARDS into the middle of the fucking road, but there are cars and shit. You deserved that honk I gave you. But then again, you didn’t even look when I honked. I hope you didn’t get laid Saturday. I hope you went back to your room in Frelinghuysen with the intention to beat off so you could stop thinking about drunk skank across the street, but to come back to your roomHoly fuck Dr. Rockso rules. You would mate asleep, jerking off, or jerking off. be able to catch him on Adult Swim asleep E203: I want to be inside suck dick. at night but it isn’ showing anytime You of you so bad. I want to be in you so bad I want to just soon, or so I think. You know is show- (Jesus Christ that’s a long get up, move all my stuff ing though? Anything you submit to personal. Wall of text = into you and just setup shop. bad. Ain’t no one gonna personals@themedium.net. You should It doesn’t bother me that read that shit man. I hate other people have been also checek out The Medium, Wednes- to break it to ya in comwhere I want to be, a lot of day nights at LSC Room 113 at 9:15PM. ment, but that was too long.) people, parties even. But We’re nice people and we welcome I yearn for you so much. We just all seem to get along new people. Don’t forget to mention You’re certainly better than better when you’re not N134. Cya in the summer ;-) Dr. Rockso and get a free slice of pizza! around. There is an aura of happy here. Can you (Are you talking about I’m hungry, but don’t want Between playing guitar, play- just not exist anymore? fucking robots?) to eat Wendys. That’s all ing rock band, and rock wall you really have to offer me climbing, my arms are gon- I’m shitting a lot more AC: Man day was incredible. don’t you student center? na get jacked. Fuck gyms! than I usually do. We need to hang out more. Well you’ve officially lost What does that mean? There will be Streets of Rage my business. I’m sure as Dear Medium Staff: I miss 2 next time, I hope...or at least shit not gonna eat Subway. you. I would have been able (It means you’re super smash brothers brawl. to sit at production naked full of shit. Duh.) Steve, I was rooting for you Sunday night if it weren’t for D i r r h e a ! all along. Larry is a puss. J sitting here. Come back! F e - f e - f e - f e - f e - f e - f e !
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
PERSONALS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
“Fuck, I love being EIC of The Medium but pretty soon someone’s gonna get hurt. ” The fuckin’ cunts in my dorm need to learn how to use sinks. What the fuck are you doing that manages to create a puddle of water like a foot in diameter on the counter? God damn, all-girls’ dorms suck. (Silly fool, those puddles aren’t puddles of water, they’re puddles of pussy juice. What else do you expect from lesbians?) O man. I looove valium and pain killers. But I also love jacking off as much as possible. Unfortunately, I can’t do both at the same time. At least, not without A LOT of struggling. O well, it just makes the loads bigger when i take a break from the drugs.
To that Arabian guy and his girl on the H bus. This is the United States of America you two fucking dumbshits. The official language is English, so why do you speak Arabic? You better not be planning another 9/11. Next time if I catch you speaking Arabic, I will turn you over to the FBI, the CIA and Homeland Security or just deport your asses back to Saudi Arabia or wherever you fuckheads came from. (Wow, you are one ignorant dumbass redneck.)
$2000 Rewards! For anyone who can help me get my suspended driver’s liscense back. Open to all ideas 732-297-9342. (Helen, our Senior Editor would like to assert that this is in fact a real inquiry.) Honda Civic LX, bought for $7,300, smells of curry and noodles, willing to sell for a reasonable price. To that diminutive Indian guy in my international econ class. Seriously shut the fuck up. No one cares if you’re a 4th, 40th, or 400th year senior, when you’re wrong, you’re fucking wrong. It’s funny to see you getting owned by the teacher. I hope your head explodes because it’s too small to handle criticisms and knowledge.
So my girlfriend and I went to play racquetball and we got into the court and she tells me”go over there” and motions to the wall. So I go over to the wall and she lobs (Just say no.) it at me with a ferocity usually reserved for a puppies So I gave those two Reno munching on a stillborn child. I love me a mime that 911 dudes a Medium the (Come on now, why wouldn’t can do the stairs. Yes, other night and you bet you love getting pegged in do me on the stairs. your ass they were jerk- the face by me? I was gonna ing off to it later that night let you do the same to me, To my friends boyfriend: in their seedy hotel room if it makes you feel better.) Stop trying to fuck me, quit groping me and it in little Mexico, caliente! is it me or is Dirty is beyond me why you why the fuck does it take Jobs fucking great are hitting on my- Jake. 4 hours at a hospital to get something checked out? Turning 21 isn’t as excit- Increase your peck’r and ing as it seemed when you make her whale with pleasure (Because hospitals are for were 18. Just like how emergencies, asshole. If turning over in bed to see (Because she is a fatisn’t it funny?) you’re getting “something your dog with jizz on his tie, checked out” you should face isn’t as exciting as it to derek zoolander in my go to Hurtado like everyone seemed the night before. geography class last seelse with a fucking booboo.) mester. i thought you What’s funnier? That’s so John I appreciate your ef- Raven or That’s so Reagan? were really gay at first your meaningfort on the personals page (The world may nev- with but if you’re not gonna do er know, nor should it.) less tattoos and general existence. then you acit right, it’s not worth me sitting here and redoing the We do this thing called tually said “like basicalwhole page. People turn to youtube video of the week, ly like basically like” in personals because they want this week search for some- class. girls dont even say that. to read personals not look thing called shark laughter. To my roommate Kevat shitty cartoons and other Seniors for sustainable in: GET THE FUCKshit they can find elsewhere sadomasochism, next ING INDIANS OUT OF in the paper, get it? - Ryan meeting, LSC Room 113 MY ROOM! I, along to the bitch standing in Wednesday night, 9PM. with everyone else, know the way on the B bus Come for the stay(in a that you only have three on Wednesday...DON’T leather gimp costume), friends and you want to STAND ON THE stay for the cum(shot). get laid by all three the FUCKING LINE BY THE Show me your recent pube indians but please, not DRIVER IF THERE’S trim, drop us both a line at when I’m trying to sleep. NO ONE ELSE IN THE personals@themedium.net I kind of get jealous, AISLE. No one can get on up for a good time anytime. because actually I have after you....FUCKTARD!!! Warning: Your shorn tes- no friends. I only know about 200 people from our I nearly shit my pants ticles or vaginer will make building. And my dearlaughing at Will Ferrell’s it into this paper one way or est thanks to my supshow on Sunday night. another. It is all just a matter porters: my brothers in Wtf was Woody Har- of time, booze and pablo. D wing, my brothers relson doing there?! How dare you not show up to in C wing, my broth-Yo you heard!?!?! the sex-capdades? Don’t you ers in A wing, and my Heath Ledger Died. know they are giving out free brothers everywhere (Whaaaaaa no way!) rim job technique critiques. else. Sincerely, Hunter
To the retarded guy in chem 162SG with the skateboard and his stupid blonde girlfriend. Shut the fuck up and stop with the fucking PDA in the middle of lecture. No one wants to hear your stupid giggling or see you fooling around in the middle of lecture, recitation, or lab. None of us want to hear your obnoxiously loud whispering while we’re all struggling to understand wtf is going on in class. You’re annoying everyone so just stop or go to hell. Thank you. Hey, remember My Little Pony - The Movie? an how the witches go to the volcano of gloom and make all that smooze an its like everyone’s taken downers and in the end there was a boat that had a bra for sails? or at least sails that looked like a bra. cuz i remember that. (What
the
hell?)
To the fat swipe lady at CAC takeout: Shove a dildo in your cooch or something because I never seen such a fatigued looking, angry person. Maybe some dildo action (cause Jezus knows you can’t get teh real cox) will alleviate the burden of swiping IDs. Also, stop sneaking those cheeseburgers underneath your stomach rolls. I see y o u . to the blonde chick with the big titties and the hairy boyfriend in my astronomy class. My friend is obsessed with you and is constantly boobie watching. Please dump your boyfirend and please talk to my friend. He’s the one in the back row every class... You’ll prob catch him staring one of these days. (Not to mention jacking off under his notebooks...) To the people in my philosophy class: I hate you and your boring 45 minute long arguments about the existence of God. The lake of fire will be your home. I hate the Jewish communittee at our university. I have many reasons. They need to chill the fuck out.
THE MEDIUM im starting to notice some similarities between the nazi party and nj fucking pirg. last semester i wouldnt vote yes for njpirg. i asked them what i would be voting for and they put a gun to my head and said “just vote, itll only take 2 seconds” this semester one came into my classroom and started screaming about an environmental PROBLEM and what the SOLUTION was. seriously, wake up. who the fuck are these people. Dear Chick in my Planet Earth class, I think I hooked up with you at that frat party that one time, but I’m not sure because I was really shitfaced.Anyway I was wondering if you swallow. If you do, cum see me. To all the chicks that wear jeans over their uggs, You’re FUCKIN RETARDED! You look like a construction worker or my Uncle Larry. I fuckin hate you. FUCK Read this personal out loud just so that it can come in your ear pussy (It really does, try it!) To my roommate: For the love of all holy and big titties, STOP SETTING THAT FUCKING ALARM ON YOUR PHONE! You don’t go to any classes. You work at 3 pm. You sleep at like 5 am. You are not fucking waking up at 9 am so leave the damn alarm off. It never woke you up the entire year, so why do you persist in annoying me with that TI-ROO TI-ROO TI-ROO sound?! Big titties. Fo show. When I was about 3 or 4 I was on my back steps eating raisins happily, then I realized I hate raisins and now I don’t like them. (Or is it because you were molested by your grandfather and the sight of his avuncular wrinkly balls scarred you for life?) I totally get off on beating boys at Guitar Hero. And beating boys off.
PERSONALS@THEMEDIUM.NET
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
“This page brought to you by ex-editor Alison Fisher!!!”
YouTube Video of the Week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF3cv-QP3tg
EVENTS THIS YEAR On Campus • How To Apply Mayonaise to Bread: A Zen Approach - Wednesday March 3rd Busch Student Center Room 208 • Garlic: Food Friend or Faux? - Tomorrow 6pm - Nabisco Food Science Building • Amazing! A Who’s Who of Awesome - The Medium Meeting Tonight at Livingston Student Center Room 113 • Is Eating Too Much Giving Me a Badonkadonk? - Thursday March 4th 2008 Rutgers Aquarium • Newt Gingrich Reads Dr. Seuss - Friday May 17th - Dr. Ruth Auditorium, College Ave Campus
Off Campus
• Brides Bare it All!!! Rt. 18 David’s Bridal - Thursday 8pm • The Rise and Fall of King Worm - Montreal Quebec Sunday June 3rd • How To Lose a Guy in 9 days - Friday October 5th, Los Angeles Theater, Los Angeles, Texas • LollaBigBoobza - Saturday March 4th - Asbury Convention Center, Asbury Park, NY
The Medium X-Word # 2
Guess where I’m gunna stick this!!!! Maybe this one will give you even more girth!!!! I like my new lighter!
My undies are too baggy!!! It’s Etxra big!!
I got a big pickle!!
I like corn up my cobb!!!