THE
MEDIUM The Entertainment Weekly of Cute Girl Ass
Volume XXXIV, Number 16
www.themedium.net
Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
EDITORIALS
“Oh God, who brought the transvestites?”
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Too Much of A Rant by Ryan “Cute [Girl] Ass” Beckman Since I’ve been part of The Medium’s staff I’ve done a lot of “kooky” things and posed for a lot of “zaney” pictures. I just praise Allah that I don’t have to kill Leprechauns anymore. I guess that going back to my true School Girl roots is a good thing, but I have to admit it, I was a little concerned when I found out that my childhood babysitter reads the paper and beats off to all my pictures. (None of this needs to make sense) Even without thinking about that… a lot of people may think that getting dressed up in girls clothing and getting all aroused and rubbing up against other men is gay. I used to be one of them, but now I say that wearing pants is gay. You Sir, with your fancy two legged non-ball-sagging clothes are as gay as Strawberry Donuts… look at those flamboyant pants… that aching bulge in your crotch. Sweet Jesus you’re a mess.
transvestite
Anyway, these pictures are a direct result of Snow + Alcohol + Homoerotic Tendencies + Your MOM. Oh no I didn’t… oh… you trippin’ fool… go back home to your momma; I hear her calling for you.
SYLLABICATION: trans·ves·tite NOUN: A person who dresses and acts in a style or manner traditionally associated with the opposite sex. ETYMOLOGY: German Transvestit : Latin tr ns-, trans- + Latin vest re, to dress; see travesty.
A Word On Decadent Transvestism Let us not mince words unduly, society is crumbling. The very principles of democracy is being disassembled by our President in a show of hypocrisy so absurd it could only be a clear sign of the man’s turgid will to have us all vaporized in a fiery nuclear holocaust. There is very little left to say, less still point in protesting; the inexorable cannot be halted, and staving it is merely the last act of a dying, desperate culture who knows nothing of the end other than a frenetic terror, a terror marginalized to the collective unconscious of our society by the waking needs to consume endless amount of innutritious food, television programming, and masturbate in the fading glow of mankind’s hope of survival. The Renaissance is a long time past, my friends, there are no more Sistine Chapels to paint, no more music in the spheres. It is the slow decline of order into entropy, an unmaking of history’s progress towards all good things, in short, it is a decadence. In layman’s terms: We are all fucked. However, there is perhaps one silver lining to the rolling storm clouds on our world’s horizon, and that is tranvestism. Sure, its been done, here and there, now and then, Monty Python, Hedwig, that slightly off kilter Uncle of yours who likes to lick his thumb, what makes this, the 11th hour, the time to throw gender to the wind and strap on those garter belts? Because as long as you’re walking around, wearing what you think you ought to wear, doing what you think you ought to be doing, you haven’t gotten the message. Which is, in case you’ve forgotten it from the preceding paragraph, that we are all fucked. Thanks for you time, and may your tragically short and boring lives have some kink left in them.
Bobby McGee, bartender supreme, once quoth: “Sweet Mary, Joseph and Jesus! Where the hell have you been? Sober? Then how do you explain that skirt you’re wearing? Eh?” Fucking A., Mr. McGee, Fucking A.
THE WORLD’S ONLY FUNNY ZIGGY CARTOON
Come to the Medium meeting: Livingston Student Center - Room 111 Wednesday, February 26th @ 9:30pm Bring fresh fruit for the Ops/Eds Editor - he has scurvy.
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7
Eds. Opinions Faux News GMG Features
Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Cover by: Liz Finelli
Arts Per Son Als What’s Shaking?
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Tape this upside down to your partner’s back, when they’re fellating you, you can read it an d laugh. Just a little joke between me and you.
Cartoon profaned by Ben Schachtman
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Bridget Heines Bryan McKenna Photographer Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Wrinkledick McGee Senior Editor Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. Send your e-love to Ryan Beck@Eden.Rutgers.Edu. I love Rutgers. Love! Love! Love! Die you fucks! Love! Love!
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
OPINIONS
“Sacre vache! L'action d'homme sur homme!”
2002-2003 Division A Women’s Volleyball Champions! 14-2-1 Season Record!
Stephina, the tough grrrrl!!!
Jimetta, the womyn with all the smarts!
Ryania, no Einstein, and maybe no beauty, but she’s got Division A Spunk!
2002-2003 St. Mary’s Volleyball Team! Ryania, Jimetta and Stephina!!!
FRIENDS 4 EVER!!!!!!!
L’allumette de Morte D’Opinions! Si J’étais une Étoile Enfant, Je Recevrais Tout le Punani
J'aime me habiller comme une femme
Par Monsieur T-Funk
Par Monsieur Homme
I swear if I were a star of some children’s show, I would get like tons of poontang. I’m not just talking about the underage tuna tunnels, I mean MILFs. All the kids would want to meet me, and you know who would bring their kids to see me? Their moms. Since I would be a hit with the younger kiddies, I could expect a ton of first time mothers, the best of the MILF class. I think I would call myself Harry the Handicapped Plumber. This is a good name for several reasons. Since I am handicapped, I get to make handicapped faces while parking in handicapped spaces. Plus, since I am a plumber, I get to ask the MILF if her pipes need to be cleaned, which as everyone knows from porn, is how to get it on with the ladies. I think I would have a sidekick too. His name would be Romano the Retarded Rhino. He would be blue with red spots and he would have a vibrating strap-on for a horn. This way if there are some beastly looking moms coming with their kids, I’ll tell them I’d bang them only if they have sex with Romano’s horn. After they disgrace themselves and their family, all for The Zipper Ripper, I would tell them I lied and throw them out. I would tour the country visiting malls and hospitals. In the malls, I would have a room setup, kind of like Santa Clause, right next to my throne made up of lesbians. In that room is where I’ll take my MILFs and bang them while their kid waits outside and wonders, “What’s Mommy doing with Harry and why is she screaming? Did he make a poopie in his pants like me? Mommy always yells at me when I do that.” Visiting hospitals would be the best. I would definitely make sure to visit the pediatric psychiatric ward. It would be a shame to waste a private room like that. We could just throw the kid in the bathroom for a few hours while I lay some pipe with the mom. The pediatric psychiatric ward would be the best. The kid would be in a nice comfy padded room, perfect for varnishing the cane. The kid would be so doped up on medication, that I could bang his mom while he was sitting in the corner looking out the window and drooling. Plus, most of the time the reason the kids are even in this part of the hospital is because their mom is such a slut and has an undeniable thirst for cock. If I were a children show star, I would definitely be up to my ears in fine aged bearded clams (Yes, in case you were baffled, that is Corey Feldman in the background, yes its from Lost Boys, and no, we don’t give a fuck if he sues us. Bring it you bleach-blonde rap-rock failure!)
You heard me, I like to dress like a woman. But to make up for it I’m going to put some hot child pornography, right smack dab where my opinion out to go...
CONTRE
...ho-ho, you dirty pigs! I fool you again! Dirty minded bastards! All day long, you Send your Opinions and think about only takingtotehCollegeben@Hotmail.com, elephant to the circus, no? Making the beast withmaybe two backs?you Well, will become a real live boy! no such luck here, monsieurs! Also, come to the Medium Meeting, and bring me fruit (I prefer Green Delicious Apples) because I am dying of scurvy!
“You and your gay-ass pants.”
NEWS NEWS
Eminem Punked Like A Bitch At The Grammys by The Volcano Worshipper Grammy winner Eminem was recently badly maimed backstage at the 45th Annual Grammy Awards in New York City this past Sunday, and nearly killed. It happened after Mr. Mathers’ performance of “Lose Yourself”, during which he was backed up by formerly credible hip-hop/funk band The Roots. After the performance, the musicians went backstage, and while Eminem was paying a visit to the restroom, he was heard painfully screaming, and much blood and Mathers’ squished testicles were found smeared across the walls, floor and ceiling of the restroom. It was decided not to inform the crowd of this attack, for fear of the loyal Eminem fans in the crowd starting a riot in protest. It was hoped that Eminem would be taken care of soon, so the police didn’t want to start any unrest. So Eminem just had his crotch temporarily bandaged up so he could continue enjoying the festivities, and maybe give Moby a wedgie at the after-party, as he had been thinking of doing for a few weeks. Afterwards, he was rushed to a hospital to begin the re-ballment process. Because he’s a rich motherfucker, he had some new nuts attached with no difficulty.
Wednesday February 26, 2003
Stare at this for 30 seconds, then look in the white space for 30 seconds and you will have magically wasted a minute of your life, asshole.
However, even though the public was left uninformed of this attack, police still investigated the place wondering who the fuck did this. It was especially puzzling at this year’s Grammys that an attack such as this would happen, being that this year’s nominees, performers and presenters consisted of such pussies as John Mayer and Coldplay. It’s doubtful that these types of sensitive flowerboys who seemed to rule the Grammys this year would be on the attack of someone like Eminem. or maybe Nelly did it cause he was upset about some white boy stealing his award that he paid his label so much to bribe for. Somehow, the real attacker was in fact Mike Tyson, who after going power crazy after splattering Clifford Ettiene’s brains all over the floor at their recent fight in Memphis, decided to pay a surprise visit to the Grammys and, well, cut Eminem’s balls off. He didn’t actually want to get the deal done himself, though, because he wanted to go out raping sluts and getting more work done on that fucked-up facial tattoo of his... so he hired some guy to do it for him. He got advice from Tanya Harding, the undercard at the fight, to find someone to do the job. He used most of the $5 million he won from the fight in doing this.
Send news to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com or I will dress like this again. And pin you down and fart on your nose.
While you’re at it, go to www.themedium.net Play the Happy Fun Game, submit online personals, read old issues, end world hunger.
Meanwhile, James Taylor performed a song with Yo-Yo Ma and nobody gave a goddamn fuck.
Warning! Real News Ahead! This is not fake, don’t laugh damnit. You should be appalled at this. Budget Cuts Loom; State Debates on Forcing Cablevision to Carry the YES Network By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor The State of New Jersey is beginning to show the citizens what issues are important to it. Proposals in the State legislature are afoot to reduce Rutgers’ yearly budget by almost 12%. One would think that such a drastic cut would come only at a time of extreme fiscal emergency, where the state’s budget would only allow for the most important things to be funded. Either this is not true, or the YES network is more important than education. Bills have been proposed and sponsored by several legislators that would FORCE Cablevision to offer the YES Network to its subscibers. This is, of course, a regional emergency that even the Federal Government wants a crack at resolving. If people don’t have the YES Network, they can’t watch the Yankee’s games, for Christ’s sake! Don’t you people realize the gravity of this situation? Naturally that is more important than the silly triviality that is educating our citizens past a High School level. What do people need to learn for anyway? Then they might replace the Yankees with literature, the Nets with quantum mechanics, the CFL with psychology. Who would want that? Some may say that this really isn’t costing the Government much in the way of budget. The state legislature’s approprations for the year are $70,000,000, or $275,000 for each day that the legislature is in session. Every Day this bill is argued, it costs the state nearly $300,000. The total cut proposed for Rutgers is about $40 million. Granted it would take one hundred and thirty three days of arguing for the amount wasted to equal the budget cut, but in a time of financial lean is this really an important enough issue to have any money wasted on?
Wednesday February 26, 2003
“I said something that was sheer genius, but I can’t remember.”
Kicking it with Kick the Klown… err, Clown By Mike Litoris and “Pink-Eyed” Jim So there we were at Karnivale. Or rather the Rutgers German Club’s rendition of it. Sucking down authentic German food like Bratwurst, drinking authentic German Nestea Iced Tea (owned by Coca-Cola… the ass pirates which own all fucking beverage distribution at Rutgers), and listening to authentic German beats like the techno remix of Kylie Minogue’s song where she keeps saying “la” until your goddamn head caves in (which brings much relief). Then we saw our target. Kick the Clown, his chosen name, blowing phallic shaped balloons and mangling them to represent twisted up, mangled phallic shaped balloons. Kick the Clown indeed. We headed over to him, “Pink Eyed” Jim on one side, me, Mike Litoris, on the other. We had him in our trap. Our muscles tensed, we crouched slightly into attack position, our lips pulled back baring our teeth, and Kick made Jim a hat. Then we began with the questioning. [This is a real interview. I have the tape to prove it.- Ed]
NEWS
ML: ::realizes that his hopes were gotten up over a bad joke. Then realizes he works for The Medium and is surrounded by bad jokes::
PE: So you’re not a clown anymore, you’re a mime?
KC: It’s true. That’s all I have to say about mimes.
KC: a mime… I’m a mime now. Don’t mime me.
PE: Many professions have professional societies, like the Society of Professional Journalists, is there an American Clown Federation?
ML: ::brain hemorrhages::
KC: There are a couple of them. The National Clown Association and Clowns of America.
ML: We were speaking of movies before. Are you familiar with a movie named Vulgar?
ML: Is the Republican Convention up there?
KC: Yes. Actually I haven’t seen the movie but I have heard of it. I heard it was very vulgar.
KC: ::more maniacal laughter:: I don’t think they’re part of any convention. Certainly not mine. PE: Do the clowns have a yearly convention or anything like that? KC: They have several conventions per year. You want to go to something scary? Go to a clown convention.
ML: ::takes mental note to hit PE later::
KC: ::laughs that god forsaken laugh::
ML: So, in this movie, there is a clown that is beaten and anally raped. By another man. How do you feel about that? KC: Ahh, anal clown sex. Ahh, scary man. That’s like clowns in prison man. Yeah, nah, nah, don’t go there. This clowns asshole closes like a steel trap. Let me tell ya.
ML: Is it similar to a circus? PE: What do you think is the importance of the role of clowns in today’s society? KC: The importance of the role of clowns in today’s society? Well, unfortunately there’s a stigma going on that clowns are like evil, things like that, and basically that comes from Stephen King movies like It and things like that which has really turned the role of the clown backwards. People look at clowns these days- well, I’d say like one out of three people look at clowns like its an evil thing, but actually it’s not. A professional clown is a funny man. And it’s part of our business to be funny, making funny balloon hats, doing magic tricks, comedy, juggling -
Fin KC: Ahh, life is a circus, man. ML: ::shocked and upset by this news. Was really hoping life was a Karnival:: KC: And it gets worse from there. PE: I’ve noticed a trend on the Internet lately. Clown porn. How do you feel about this? KC: Ahh, clown porn. Personally? I like clown porn. I tell ya, once you’ve had a clown, you never go back. ML: Trust me… I know.
ML: May I cut in here? KC: ::yet more maniacal laughter:: KC: Sure. PE: What is your position on the [pending] war in Iraq? ML: Would you say our president contributes to this stigma? KC: The president? ::maniacal laughter. Really… it was maniacal:: Absolutely! I’ll tell ya, he is the head clown man. He is the head clown man. I tell ya, of all the clowns I ever met, he certainly will be one of them, from now until the end of time. The best clown before that, I’d have to say, was Richard Nixon. I tell ya, you look at him man, his jowls is screaming clown. PE: Do you have like a vendetta against Tim Curry for the movie It? KC: No, not at all. I don’t have a vendetta against anybody. You know, I look at it this way, in reality… Stephen King wrote that movie It but before that movie, have you ever heard of Silent Night, Deadly Night? About the killer Santa Claus. Are you terrified of Santa Claus? They took an endeared character and they made it into an evil serial killer. They did the same thing with It. But people see it and for some reason in their twisted little heads they think that’s reality. Once they see that movie they think all clowns are scary.
KC: The war in Iraq? I’m, uh, lets see. What is my position? I kind of like shift to the left. Yeah but, then again, my fiancé says I shift to the right, so I don’t know. ML: ::reels in pain:: PE: Back to the mimes, the French like mimes, so how do they feel about clowns? KC: How do they feel about clowns? Actually, in reality… the reality of it is that a clown in French is a [for the safety and tastes of the reader, the French has been omitted]. Basically there’s not too much difference between them. PE: Do you like the French? KC: Do I like the French? Uhh, yeah I like [French omitted… it was the clown word again], I like, uhh, I like French stuff. I like French bread, eh, French women, eh, and I like French fries, ya know. But French, in all in all, yeah they suck. (emphasis not added) PE: That was the right answer.
PE: I think it’s become a genre, just like Killer Clowns from Outer Space. KC: That’s a great movie, I love that movie. People think that clowns are offended by all that. I think it’s hysterical. In fact I own that movie! But you got to look at it like a parody. Ever watch police squad. Or stuff like that and you think all cops are idiots after that? PE: No, obviously not. Do clowns and mimes have a professional affinity for one another? Or do you often quarrel? KC: Ahh, mimes. The other white meat. Ahh, yes, I tell ya, did you know you can shoot mimes in L.A.?
KC: ::again with the maniacal laughter:: PE: Ok, my girlfriend left me for a member of another species, namely a Bonobo chimp, this morning. How would you, as a clown, cheer me up? KC: ::maniacal laughter… it never stops... I haven’t been able to sleep. Jesus.:: How would I che- how would I cheer you up? ::laughs some more:: Dude, man, I’m at a loss for words. If there were two of me I’d be beside myself. ML: ::holds back the tears::
KC: You gotta use a silencer though.
KC: I mean, that, that, that - I’d probably take you to the zoo… ::laughs::… show you how the other half lives. I don’t know. I’m speechless. For the first time in my entire life -
(Continued)
(Continued)
ML: Really? ::about to pack it up and move to L.A.::
“I think clowns are sexy,” said the school “girl” “but The Medium’s meetings are sexier.” You want to be sexy for the schoolgirl? Then come to this week’s Medium Meeting. Livingston Student Center, Room 111 at 9:30 PM tonight. Please. We’re so lonely we have to dress up like women to amuse ourselves. Don’t walk away. Where are you going?
GMG
“I find you wee-pulsive and wee-pugnant!”
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
MEDIUMOLOGY Aeries
March 21-April 19
At times you’ll feel like you can make love to everyone on the campus this week, including the horses in Cook and dykes in Douglass. But there will be other times, when you’ll wake up in the morning feeling like you’ve been molested all night and everyone you see that day will look just like the people in your dreams.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You think your friends don’t notice when you steal their french fries? They pretend they don’ t. They are just being nice to you because you usually laugh at their stupid jokes. But this week, this deal won’t work for you. Not b/c people will stop making stupid jokes but because there will be someone around telling them right out how stupid their jokes are. Besides aren’t you tired of getting away with the same worthless payoff? Add variety to your social & gastronomic life: next time attempt stealing their significant others.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Something tells me that none of you geminis will have time to read me this week. You’ll probably be busy talking about the most trivial bullshit we can ever imagine. If I’m wrong, somehow, and you’re reading this, planets have one suggestion for you this week: Keep your project concepts tightly secret for yourself. If you keep revealing, for example, about your desire to sleep with your friend’s parent, it won’t happen. Shut the f… up. Just do it.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
Do your mate a favor this week (that is yourself if you’re living alone), clean the house for a change. Including your desk. And finally remove that raggedy underwear you’d left behind the coffee brewer. Afterward you may realize why you’ve been missing homework deadlines: b/c your papers and textbooks had been mysteriously disappearing in the clutter that you raised with much hard work. Come on, let it go, it’s ok. You can still enjoy the mess human beings made in the world.
Leo
July 23- Aug. 22
So what if the janitor said to you “Yo, watch where you’re stepping!” That was 3 weeks ago. If this is why you repeatedly declined your lovers love requests up to now, you better smell your feet to see what’s really embarrassing about you. This week is all about being reminded of the fact that we are human beings. Do you have any idea how embarrassed the monkeys are for sharing the same planet with us? Especially when a Texan jackass imitates them.
Virgo
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Libra
Sept. 23- Oct. 22
Venus is still showing her elbow to Earth and flirting with Mercury. So dress not according to what will please your potential partners but according to what will match your words when trying to please others. Also, no matter how you dress this week, you will sound like G. W. Bush Primero’s vice president. Yeah, export more cigarettes because Americans are smoking less.
Scorpio
Oct. 23- Nov. 21
You see bright opportunities in the clamor of chaos, right? Your eyes get bigger, I can see it. Tug away your stingy tails, get out of the shade; you can get a lot more sex if you didn’t focus that much on trying to catch others hurt you, unless of course you get a peculiar pleasure out of jealousy (masochism is certainly allowed in this planet, look at the freakin’ middle-east for fuck’s sake).
Sagittarius
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Hey yo, leave the Capricorns alone, alright. They are just trying to use people. They will leave you alone as soon as they realize that you’re half beasts. Female sags exempt, of course. You gals are half machines. Using you is justified. But TV sets are machines too & I can’t determine who is using who when I watch tv. Same goes for slot machines.
Capricorn
Dec. 22-Jan. 19
Your planet’s orbit is straightened out ,so it just doesn’t make sense that you still walk in zigzags. You can arrive there, wherever you want to be at, by yourself. Just don’t get your hooves stuck in other people’s assholes but do get naked at certain intervals to offer yourself to charming strangers. Admit it, doesn’t it feel thrilling to disobey rules now and then? You know that virtue is good to preach on when you are the ruler. Personally I have no respect for virtuous slaves.
Aquarius
Jan. 20-Feb 18
Insignificant. Remember this word. Nothing on Earth will seem significant to you during this week. You’ll remain in the retreat for another week, in Uranus. Can you see Earth from there? That’s exactly what I mean. We can’t see you either. So we can reciprocally ignore each other.
Pisces
Feb. 19-March 20
Goddammit pisces. This week planets have forgotten about you. Even your own. Neptune is busy screwing around with nymphs. Good for him. As for you wetlovers eat, shit, and jerk off as usual. I gotta go. (Wait Neptune! leave some for me too!)
Stop moaning. You’re not sick. You may be everything else you’re afraid that you are but you’re not sick. Stop giving your stomach pain every time you want people to talk about you. People work in hospitals not because they compassionately care about the patients but because they feel superior around sick people.
Sincerely Rodney By: The Writer.s Block Note from the Editor: Because the Writer’s Block is such a dick, I’m not editing this. So there. Hi everyone, my name.s Rodney, I go to school here. Some people say that I.m an asshole, but I don.t think so. OK, sometimes I do things that are really mean, but that.s because of the situation, not because I.m an asshole. Like this one time I was playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards with some 12-year-old Asian kids. We was playing and I was losing to this one punk kid, so I figured he was cheatin.. This made me mad, but I held my temper, after all, these are young kids. So instead of beatin. them, I just started dissin. him by calling him a goddamn Jap and telling him that he was lucky this wasn.t no Pokemon, or I would have whooped his ass. Well, guess what that punk kid said? He said that Pokemon was for babies.this is when I got real mad. I grabbed that fuckin. Chink by the hair and cracked his face on my knee! All his little Jap friends started screaming for the Kung Fu master or something so I punched all three of them in the faces as well. Thank God I.m 6.1 and 256, if I was about their size, which is about 5.7, I probably would have had trouble putting them four out. Anyhow back to that rat bastard who cheated. I grabbed that punk by the hair again, and he must have been knocked silly by the knee to the face .cuz he wasn.t no cryin. or nothing even though his nose was like broken. I swear man, blood was pourin. out his face like them Niagara Falls! Anyhow, I grabbed this punk.s face and I started to like stretch his face and I said, .You fuckin. chink cheat, I.m gonna stretch out your slanty ass eyes.. Then I started to pound him in the face with my fists, there was like blood everywhere. I was sayin. some real funny shit too like, .This one.s for Pearl Harbor. and .Me so solly .bout punchin. you.. All in all, I lost that Yu-Gi-Oh game that day, but a lesson was learned. Yu-Gi-Oh is a rip off of Pokemon and everybody knows this. And if Pokemon is for babies, then YuGi-Oh must be for super babies, .cuz it.s a rip off of Pokemon. Sincerely Rodney
LOOK! POETRY! "Michael Jackson" by Alexander The Poet His name is Michael Jackson They call him, the "King Of Pop" With little boys he has fun, And that he just can not stop "Billie Jean" ain't his lover, It's some little boy named Fred Jacko paid off his mother, Not a single word was said The only "Thriller" around, Is Michael Jackson's "Bad" face, It leaves a trail to be found It falls all over the place His wives told him to "Beat It" And to please stay out of their sight His career was defeated Whether he was, "Black Or White"
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Features
“It’s not a tumor!”
How to Sleep Naked When You Have a Roommate A Dormitory Nudity Tutorial By: Colonel Quack I sleep naked. I’ve been doing it for at least the past five years. So much so that sleeping with clothes on is uncomfortable. When I came to Rutgers, it didn’t even cross my mind to change this habit. Instead, I was descrete with my nocturnal nudity, as to not flash my roommate. Besides, I have a small penis, I wouldn’t want anybody to take pictures of it and spread it around the internet. Uh.. Regardless, I compiled this guide based on my experience at sleeping naked in the dorm. I hope my wisdom can help another closet nudist continue his or her pattern of nocturnal nudity. And if you have never slept naked before, I must seriously recommend it. Clothes are so confining. Step 0a: Preparation is key. Make sure that your dresser is close enough to your bed. If you’re sure it is, proceed to step 0c. Step 0b: Move your dresser close to your bed. You have two options. Either move your dresser against the head of your bed, so the drawers pull out perpendicular to the length of the bed. Or put your dresser right next to your bed so the drawers pull towards the foot of your bed. Test how far away it is. Experiment. Step 0c: This guide assumes you wear underwear. Open a drawer and dangle a random undie, whatever kind of undies you happen to wear. (Girls: if you wear bras, dangle one, too.) Get into bed and pretend you’re sleeping. Casually reach over to get the aforementioned undies. If you can snag them without the sheets revealing your nudity, the dresser is good to go. Step 1: Kill the lights. If the sun is already up (and you closed the shades) or the lights are off, move to step 3. Step 2: (Assuming you actually make your bed like I do..) Fold over your sheets and sit on the exposed part. Remove pants. If you are not wearing them the next day, toss in the hamper and get clean pants out. Hang pants over the foot of your bed or other convenient place. (If you don’t wear undies, consider putting your pants at a more accessable place.) Remove all non-undies, and toss in hamper. Get in bed. Step 3: Remove undies. Dangle over dresser drawer.
You know...One of these days... by: Henry Rarisan Something strange opccured to me while watching TV last night. No... it wasn’t how sexy the little boys at Micheal Jackson’s ranch were, it was that we don’t have many special days in this world. Sure, you have Valentines day, or Christmas, but nothing for the real American. There are whole months devoted to different things, Black History Month, Women’s History Month, Holocaust History Month, but nothing for certain days. My mission until next week is to assign a holiday to everyday. So I’m gonna say that August ummm 17th will be Bloody Condom Day. That day, every man in the world will fill a old, used condom with a female’s menstural blood. Or on June 19th, it could be Mexican Shit day. The night before, you load up on greasy Mexican food, then the next morning when you are running around with massive liquid poop, you let it loose in someone’s coffee mug. How about a Badger Fighting Day on March the 8th? here normal people are put into a ring with Badgers to fight for cool cash prizes. Wait...Fox might already be developing that for a reality show pilot. Well, you get the picture. A holiday for everyday, something to pass the time at parties or just for yourself while you try to conjure up thoughts of the Olsen Twins. So September 11th, Plane day, January 19th, Sombrero Day, June 20th, Lyposuction
Day...The possibilities are endless.
Step 4: Do not shift the sheets below certain unviewable areas. If it becomes unbareably hot, retrieve undies and lay on top of your sheets. Sleep. Step 5: Wake up. If female, GOTO Step 7. Step 6: Get your morning wood to go down. Do not attempt to move to Step 7 until it is completely soft. Try the male equivalent of the Kegel. Step 7: Retrieve your clothes from where you left them. Put them on. Behold at the power of pants. (Put them on, don’t just stare in awe.) Put on the rest of your clothes. Congradulations, you have just completed your first night of sleeping naked with a roommate without your roommate seeing you naked! Now give yourself a pat on the back. This process also works if you have more than one roommate. Next week: Masturbating in the dorm!
Normallly, I’d ask you to submit to me. But not this week. You don’t deserve to submit to me. So to spite me, and submit to FeaturesEd@yahoo.com. And don’t forget about the Medium Meeting this Wednesday (that’s tonight, jerkass) in LSC Room 111.
Arts
“In honor of Black History Month, go to a black strip club and watch asses clap.”
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
The Volcano Worshipper’s Hour
Music Reviews from People I Love Because They Always Send Submissions
by Mos Def Leppard
by the Third World All Stars, por supuesto.
I just wanted to tell everyone that I heard the greatest radio show last week. It’s on WRSU, 88.7 FM, at Monday nights from 12-2AM. It’s called “The Volcano Worshipper’s Hour”, and it’s off the hook. Seriously. Nobody else plays the shit this guy does. Everyone should listen to this show, seriously, it will change your life!!!!!
Off By One - S/T (CD) LMC If only Blink 182 had been aborted then Off By One would have nobody’s ballsac to suckle. Me no rikey.
Um... er... OK. Yeah, I’ll admit it, I am actually the host of the show, and this is a shameless plug. But really, listen to my show, cause it is great. Thanks.
Outerstar - S/T (CD) Jaggo Records
(listen to his show, or I will come into your room while you are sleeping, and smear poo on your lips. - Arts.)
This is more unbearable than the time Tooth had to go door to door and tell his neighbors he was a sex offender. Peglegasus - Learning Curve (CD) If I ever heard an album that makes me want to gargle diarrhea it’s Peglegasus’ “Learning Curve”. Each song had me wondering when it was gonna pick up and hope it would end soon at the same time. Raised Fist - Dedication (CD) Burning Heart Records Buying this album is the equivalent of having your sister walking in on you while jerking off. Sandbox - Rocks (CD) Piscataway, NJ 08854 The Sandbox release “Rocks” with it’s generic punk rock riffs and typical lyrical content. It seems eager to add to the endless barrage of punk pop music being released. Definitely a must buy for the listeners who crave anything resembling Blink 182.
Girls do Rule...especially when they’re just men pretending to be girls! tee-hee-hee! If you like what you see, come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at LSC Rm. 111, 9:30 PM Or you can send your reviews and pictures from your own slumber party to shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com!
Satanic Surfers - Unconsciously Confined (CD) Imagine if you got a yeast infection from eating your own abortion. I’d scrape if off with a white hot steel comb before I’d listen to more than ten seconds of the Satanic Surfers. Spider Douglas - Magna Cum Laude (CD) Babylon Entertainment A cover band with no songs to cover. Spider Douglas’ release combines the flowing melodies of Seal with the sincerity of the Charles In Charge theme song. If I were to say this album wasn’t fantabulous, I’d be telling a lie.
Celebrate Black History Month! “Holla” at a Black Girl! For hot Afro-American times, email Arts at Shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com
hey malcom, i found out that I have the HIV....
Shoot, get away from ME then, Edde told me you can catch that shit if yous in the same room with one of you gays.
sob, sob, sob
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 To the self proclaimed Marshmellow Man, This is to the fagets in that Jeep that were wreaking havoc around College Ave. by throwing marshmellows at people. You guys have to be freshman because that was one of the most immature things I have ever witnessed. How about you grow up a little? This is a warning to the driver with the white hat that hit me in the dick with a marshmellow and screamed I AM THE MARSHMELLOW MAAAAAAAN!!! Even though I did find it a tad bit funny FUCK YOU FUUUUUUUUCK YOU. I’ll kill you if I find you. I’ll roast you like a marshmellow. This is your only warning. (ahh, “i am the marshmellow man brings me back to the days of sta-puff and ghostbusters...ray...egon... winston...the other guy...) to that stallion on the 5th floor of frelinghuysen.... forget it... i wouldn't let you fuck me if you were the last man alive (ahh, beautiful bestiality...yet another reason god put horses on this earth. wait...she means stallion figuratively...fuck.) F, remember when I dressed up in the little school girl uniform and put on those trash whore boots for you? I bet you do! You weren’t that drunk when you walked in my door. Well, you are stupid and decided to have a girlfriend. So, whenever her Saint Mary virgin ass turns you down for play, remember that I am getting happily dicked on a regular basis. (wow, boots and a schoolgirl uniform...if only the rest of us could be so lucky...although i certainly saw my share of men in schoolgirl uniforms this past week. mmmmm, cross-dressing...mmm, deviance.) to Randi’s fucking digusting roommate get off your pretentious ass and clean up that fucking syrup that’s been gluing your fucking fridge together for the last three weeks. if you want so badly to hinder yourself from going into the fridge, the next time you masterbate cum all over the inside cos your pussy juice is so sticky it could hold together oil and water. bitch! ps the next time you get locked out of your room because randi is next door get a fucking clue and remember to bring your shoes.
laymil...more like gaymil... To that fucking Alpha Chi Omega sorostitute that lives across my hall. Why is it that everytime you come back to your room, you stare at me and give me dirty looks as I’m sitting in my room??? You look like afucking deer in headlights. Or maybe you’re just in a daze from all the lines of blow you did back at the sorority house. If you really feel so compelled to look and stare at me all the time, feel free to come in my room. You can do a line of coke off my dick. (and afterwards, what, you want her to lick the leftovers? get a life. maybe instead of making fun of her, you should try to fuck her and get rutgers simplex, the latest and greatest strain of herpes.) Once I was getting this blowjob in mexico from this hot girl that looked like Jennifer Lopez...she stuck her finger up my ass. I didn't like it. (One of my female friends once said, “If i stick my finger up a guy’s ass he either comes or runs.” Allright, fine...i don’t have any female friends. It was my partner, ashley...fag.) To that stupid bitch on the 2nd floor of frelenghuysen: fucking cock ass bitch twat mongerer. I want you to shove your double-headed dildo so far up your ass it comes out your nose. LOVE YA! Laymil- Clearasil is your friend. Chocolate is NOT. (Wow, two personals emailed in about this laymil fellow...must be a pretty popular bastard.)
“Ohhhhhhhhh...BITCHED!!!” gay suitemate #1 sorry from taking the time out of your day from romping male ass to reading this personnel but stop picking your calloused feet on my bed you dirty yellow bastard gay suitemate #2 stop telling me stories of how you stopped masterbating and watching porn and do pushups instead because you want to punish yourself or something. i dont care. also godamnit, when you go outside, put on some fucking pants and a jacket, not shorts and a tshirt asshole cause i dont want to hear your 2minute coughs and constant sniffling asswipe. I cant believe the smell in your room hasnt killed you yet, it should have. (I think this guy lives across the hall from me - cam) to that hot ass,big tittied indian girl at the river doorms, let me just tell you how much i want to shove my throbbing nine inch cock into your vagina and fuck you raw until your tities fall off. i want to masterbate to the sight of you giving head to my saint bernard while getting eatin out by my ex girlfriend. i cream myself every tuesday while watching you wait for the L and wish i could fuck you from behind on the back of the bus while the rest of slutgers watches. i want you. (indians can’t have big boobs, they’re too malnourished and ravaged with dysentery from the ganges. at least one indian i know makes fun of himself...because they all should, curry-smelling bastards.)
Personals Personals
Don’t they look like lesbians? Cute, 17 year old lesbians. Thank god for the internet, where else would I get my deviant lesbian star pornography? Oh, that’s right...the Medium Meeting, Wednesday night at 9:30pm in rm. 111, Livingston Student Center. Everyone is pretty when you WHEEEEAAAAOOOOEEEAAA think about it, except fat AHHHOOOEEEAAA!! i’m people. running! i’m running! i’m running! i’m running! i’m (How desperately I wish I r u n n i n g ! wasn’t fat...maybe if I put weeeeeeeeeeeAAAAOO myself on the “Stop Eating OOEEE!!! i’m naked! So Much” diet, i’d lose some visit www.themedium.net to poundage.) sell your soul to us.
god...thank god...for the anal. (Amen, Brother...amen. Preach the gospel of anal...preach it well.)
Balloons are fun...I like balloons. I don’t know if I will ever look at balloons the same way after seeing this picture, though. If you like balloons, send me an email at olsentwins@seductive.com
dear ex girlfriend: got tested for std’s. good news: no herpes! bad news: AIDS!!! love, bryan (Isn’t it funny that I wrote the above personal as well as this comment? Fuck you, you fucking whorebag.)
Suck it 8th and 9th! Love the 10th TO ALL YOU FUCKERS WHO SUBMIT PERSONALS: THEY MUST BE FROM YOUR EDEN ACCOUNT. bastards.
Personals Personals This goes to all power worshiping assholes -- Just read in a newspaper that although Eastern European countries are leaning on the EU for economic stability, they relly on the US for security. What on fucking world they've got to be afraid of to bag for security from the US for fuck's sake. Many people can't even locate East Europe on the map put aside attacking them. There is a saying in that part of the world: "They're scaring me with bandits on the road as if I've got gold loaded caravans!" May you choke on guns and bombs you purchase you shitbags! May they explode right beneath your balls, you goddamned nosebrowners. Same goes for all SUV owners, as well. And why the fuck people drive hummers in the City. Since when asphalt has been difficult to drive on? But of course you can't concieve what's appropriate and what's not, right? It's obvious from the way you look inside those metal chunks that you're brainless meat packs. Even if your cocks were huge, you would only chock yourselves on them because you have no clue about love. (You have a lot of anger Daniel Son. Anger better used on furrious masterbation and consumption of various alcohols.)
“Look, i’m sure you’re TONS of fun, but im on a low fat diet” mmmmmmm, easter candy on sale at a and p...thank god for cadbury eggs, malted milk eggs and reeses peanut butter eggs
to the annoying guy that sits in the back of post-comm class: do you have ADD, or ADHD, its hyperactive cousin? Why the fuck can't you sit still?Or do you have Tourette's syndrome? maybe thats why you always yell out stupid ass comments and annoy the fuck out of everyone else in the class.if a rabid dog were to run into the class and rip your face off we would all give it a doggie treat. keep your dumb ass comments to yourself, and stop making so much noise with your damn coat and digging in plastic bags!love, the class
dear gov. mcgreevey, eat shit and die. from- rutgers (Yes, eat shit indeed) To that girl sitting in the front of my class with the dirty blonde hair and the glasses. Would you please show me exactly what Circe did to Odysseus after he threatened to "run her through" with his sword. I'm the sexy bald guy who always sits in the front row. Say "Hi" to me on Friday morning if you read this. (Say hi to him. Give him a kiss. Give him a mint. Give him a blow job.) TO THE FUCKING WHORE OF AN EX GIRLFRIEND: goddamn you. you're such a fucking bitch. i fucking hate you. die, please. love, snagglepuss (Now thats no way to talk to a lady. She is a lady right?) www.ilovemartinscock.com (And how...)
Don’t like your retina’s being bombarded with images of hot gay schoolgirl loving? Then send your personals to olsentwins@seductive.com and stop the insanity! did you ever eat paste in grammar school? i think it might be affecting my sexual drive right now...
This is to the hot bitch in my Math class. Im gonna fuck you RAW. Meet me outside LSH tonight, have bells on.
www.themedium.net
never sit a lone on a hot sticky noon with flies on yr dick. i am just a boy with a gypsy nun i love it when you stick me with yr staff. PRAISE BOOGNISH.
to my whore of a roomate: you smell like fucking ass. why don't you shower more often than every 3 fuckin dayS? for chrissakes you smell like a fucking mexican. and stop commenting on how good all the food we cook smells, if you want some just fucking ask and we'll say no, cook your own goddamn bacon and stop pining over ours.
(3 foot wonder huh? Now, would that be a compliment or are we talking about midgets? Or, 3 foot midgets w/ 3 foor wangs?)
To the dumb French basterd that was in my Building Communities class last semester. Your day is comming you wine drinking basterd... (Ha! A personal I agree with. Beezer like you. Beezer like you a lot!)
(You people know damn well there is someone like this douche in your classes. Possibly its me. But, write in, and mabey we’ll get the hint.)
(That is not the paste, that is the 16 gallons on sperm you (you know, in Iraq, flies on have sitting in your your dick is a sign of power. smomach. Either way) And by power I mean small penis.)
dear three foot wonder, i didn't forget to call you, i did get all your messages, and i'm not moving to china. i dont like you, you are short and fat and the world would be a better place if you just killed yourself. have a nice day.
(Count on a few of us to attend also, we’ll bring the dip.)
Wednesday, Febuary 26, 2003
You like hot lesbians wraped in plastic wrap? So do we, and boy do we keep ‘em in an abundant supply! Come to The Medium meetings every Wednesday night at the Livingston College Student center, Room 111 at 9:30. Come help us unwrap some of these little gift from God.
HEY! Im allergic to The Review. Must be the boiled pig intestines they comsume for imspiration. Whores.
to that raging bitch on douglass, leave me the fuck alone. just b/c you're sweatin me doesn't mean i'm gonna turn dyke for ya. youre a pain in my ass and make my head hurt. take your 80's hair and your salvation (You know, in this personal, army clothes and find another if you replace the word cook bitch to stalk with cock, it reads a lot bet(Perhaps you should consiter ter.) turning dyke. It sounds like fun) to that dirty bitch leaving her stank ass payless sneakers in playing to lose is like sleeping my hallway, move em or im with your sister. sure she is a gonna shove that sweat shop great piece of tail witha blouse processed leather up your full of goodies, but its just illegal. then you get into that whole herpedic ass inbred thing. kids with no teeth (Us here at The Medium who do nothing but play the whole heartedly support banjo...eat apple sause through sweat shops for all thier a straw...pork farm animals... glory, thier remarkable productivity and high profit margin.) E Mail the beezer, will answer all your questions about heterosexuality questions at Nikeo02@yahoo.com, I have all the answers, and a ass load of porn too! Life is a bitch that will fuck you This dudes pissed! Thats kicks ass! if you let her.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
“I’ve bled all that kind of blood away...”
Someone’s gotta keep the Cowboy Bebop tradition alive...and that somebody’s gotta be me. If you like Spike, Faye, Jet, Ed, and Ein, swing by a medium meeting. They’re on Wednesday nights, 9:30 in LSC room 111. Seeya there, space cowboy. To the dumb slut in my Human Studies Class, thanx for wasting 10 minutes of class time so you could harass our Prof. with questions about how God, Adam, and Eve play a role in EVOLUTION. If you really believe that God pulled two people out of his ass and stuck them on this rock for procreation then why the fuck would you take a class about how humans and monkeys evolved from the same thing. My only guess is that you’re so ignorant you had no idea what the word EVOLUTION meant. If you ever waste our class time with questions about bible stories again I will slap you like the stupid bitch you are. And a word of advice, next semester stick to classes like “Jesus is Your Only Friend 101” (i took jesus is your only friend 101...such a bullshit class. we went to church and stuff, and talked about how jesus loves us, and how jesus blesses us, and how it’s jesus who rapes us in our sleep, not daddy.) www.ilovemartinscock.com www.themedium.net www.ronfez.net
Personals Personals
Skinny Personal: To the girl who lives down the hall from me and is in desperate need of an orgasm, because no guys seem to satisfy her. Stop looking up masturbation websites and trying out new techniques such as riding a pillow and taking your sheets and pulling it back and forth between your legs. The girls on the floor have had enough, so we all pitched in and got you a little gift. If this vibrator doesn’t do it for you, then I don’t know what will. (skinny comment: vibrators desensitize clits. don’t use too often, biatch.)
To that really hot girl sitting TO ALL YOU DUMB right next to me right now: hi. FUCKS WHO KEEP you’re hot. SENDING ME PERSONALS FROM NON-EDEN to the boy with the cool shirt ACCOUNTS: I’M NOT who wanders on my floorGONNA PRINT YOUR youre the fuckin hottest thing SHIT. EVER. DON’T BE A ever. whenever i see you i just MORON. want to rip your clothes off For everything that you have and ride you all day long. 24 done condoms for 24 hours. Under joy or turmoil damn... i get off just thinkin about you- i think its time to You brought me Calm and I long to return your use magic johnson... Kindness while I am still on this (You’re gonna use the AIDS Earth on him? Damn... that’s a Your face has brought me pretty good tactic. I should happiness start using that one more On those very dark days often. the great ninja.) Understand this as I bid you To Wanger, you fucking piece farewell. of shit. You punched a 100 (since we’re doing poetry corpound girl in the face, i guess ner, here’s one of mine: that makes you a man, huh? roses are red You fucking pussy. I hope violets are purple you feel good about yourself, you’re a fucking cunt you dick. You wanna hit girls? nothing rhymes with purple.) Let’s make it a fair fight, hows about i come over there and FUCK YOU UP, see how you do with someone your own size. Just wait, asshole, wait till me and my girls see you in the fucking street. To you and your pussy ass friends that let you do that shit, you have no idea what you just started.
To my smelly fucking roommate: it’s not your goddamn clothes, I can promise you that. Try showering when you get home from practice, and showering more than twice a week...maybe then you’d “get laid” instead of just whining.
Thank you, you kind sir who had the forsight to vediotape your girlfriend fucking you. Thank you so much. that was fun to watch and jerk off to. My roomates and I enjoyed it thoroughly. By the way, we know your name, where you live, your phone number, your home phone number, and the phone numbers of all your frat brothers. Have a wonderful day. love, honkey p.s.: you have an asian penis. www.themedium.net
What’s Shakin’
my catholic school uniforms were never this seductive.
Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
New York Wed 2/26 - Willy DeVille & the Mink DeVille Band Irving Plaza Thur 2/27 - Los Amigos Invisibles - S.O.B.’s Thur 2/27 - Kasey Chambers - Irving Plaza Fri 2/28 - Kazem Al-Sahir - Beacon Theater Fri 2/28 - Phish - Nassau Coliseum Fri 2/28 - Toad The Wet Sprocket, Bleu, Wheat - Irving Plaza Sat 3/1 - Hall and Oates - Beacon Theater Sat 3/1 - Sound Tribe Sector 9 - Irving Plaza Mon 3/3 - Toad The Wet Sprocket, Alice Peacock, Wheat - Irving Plaza Mon 3/3 - The Coral - Bowery Ballroom Tues 3/4 - Cat Power - Irving Plaza Tues 3/4 - Big Daddy Kane - S.O.B.’s Wed 3/5 - Maroon 5, Virginia Coalition, Marc Broussard - Irving Plaza Thur 3/6 - Audioslave - Hammerstein Ballroom Thur 3/6 - Martin Sexton - Bowery Ballroom Thur 3/6 - Idlewild, French Kicks, Solea - Irving Plaza Fri 3/7 - Saliva, (Hed) p.e. - Roseland Ballroom Fri 3/7, Sat 3/8 - Erasure - Beacon Theater Sat 3/8 - Sum 41 - Roseland Ballroom
y l L A mE!!! t o T sO e aW
omg, i had like the funnest night at the slumber party last nite! we watched Grease (it was rated PG!), had a pillow fight, and talked about BoYz! (shhh, don’t tell anyone! LOL!!~ and tonite i’m going to the mEdiUM MeEtiNg~! its at 9:30 at the LiVinGsTOn StuDeNt cEnteR, room 111. i hope mom doesn’t get mad that its past my bedtime!
http://www.themedium.net New Jersey
Don’t just sit there giggling, you silly goose - send me some events!!!! tee hee!!
orgykarma@yahoo.com
Wed 2/26 - Delayed Green, Billy - Maxwell’s Wed 2/26 - Michael Glabicki of Rusted Root - Stone Pony Thur 2/27 - Home Grown, Riddlin’ Kids, All American Rejects - Birch Hill Fri 2/28 - Sahara Hotnights, Ikara Colt - Maxwell’s Fri 2/28 - Mike Farris of the Screamin’ Cheetah Wheelies - Stone Pony Sat 3/1 - Skate & Surf Festival Battle of the Bands Birch Hill Sat 3/1 - 2 Skinnee J’s, World/Inferno Friendship Society - Stone Pony Tues 3/4 - Toad The Wet Sprocket, Bleu, Wheat Birch Hill