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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XVII
February 25th, 2009
50¢
New Student Survey: NJPIRG Kids Should Go Away BY ZOBBY ZOBLIN STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ - A new student survey, conducted by the Rutgers Psychology department, claims that students think that NJPIRG is by far the most annoying group on campus. The study was conducted in response to the recent allegations of stalking charges against many of the group members who have been accused of following people back to their dorms. The group members claim that “they were just trying to get signatures.” In a shocking turn of events, the survey found that basically nobody knows what “NJPIRG” is actually an acronym for. Most students had no idea, and answered in such ways as “Nice Jewish People
in Rain Gear” and “No joke people, I’m ridiculously gay.” Furthermore, another telling finding from the study was that nobody actually knows what NJPIRG does. Michael Lucas, a student from Busch campus explains “I have no idea what their purpose is, besides to annoy me multiple times a day.” Thomas Johnson, a College Avenue resident, displayed great displeasure when asked the same question. “I don’t know what the fuck they do. All I know is that they add 12 dollars to my tuition- which I definitely could have used last night when all I wanted to do was buy a Dime, smoke a blunt, and masturbate.” When asked why he couldn’t have just jerked off, which to my knowledge is free, he responded, “It’s tough to get it up when you
know you’ve been cheated out of twelve dollars.” Finally, the common thread that ran through the entire study was that when asked to rate NJPIRG on an “Annoyance Scale” from one to ten, students almost unanimously chose ten. Lisa Gibbons, a student who participated in the experiment, explained her reasoning. “When I walk into Brower, I’m pissed already because I’m going to have to wait like 37 minutes on the ‘cookto-order line’ and there isn’t going to be any Frozen Yogurt left in the machine. The last thing I need is for some douche bag to come up to me and ask me a question about saving the rainforest.” Similarly, an anonymous student who apparently is prone to using only semi-funny puns stated that, “NJPIRG is so fucking annoying. They should be NJPURGED from campus.”
Hollywood, CA- Last Sunday was Bollywood’s night to shine in the smog filled streets of LA, as the entire continent of India took center stage during the 81st Annual Academy Awards When asked about the octuple victory by the hit ‘Slumdog Millionare,’ Regis Philbin, the original host of the American version, said, “That kid never sucked my dick. He should have never have been in the hot seat to begin with. This story is bullshit.” Nimbin, Australia - That friendly neighborhood white guy is pretty satisfied with life. “It could be, you know, going better, but I think I can roll,” he remarked. “I don’t really know what I’m going to do today, though.”
“That Kid” U.S. Border Patrol Institutes “Virtual Agents” Peeks Out of His BY ABA SABABA red button on the Web site that reads Dorm STAFF WRITER ‘Nab That Mo’Fucka!’ and Border
The Border, TX- In a controversial program aimed at enhancing border security, Texas sheriffs have erected a series of surveillance cameras along the Rio Grande and connected them to the Internet. Thousands of people are now virtual Border Patrol agents — and they’re on the lookout for drug smugglers and illegal immigrants, also known colloquially as “Mexican Fucks.” Robert Fahrenkamp, a truck driver in South Texas, is one of the virtual agents. After a long haul behind the wheel of a Peterbilt tractor-trailer, he comes home, sets his 6-foot6-inch, 250-pound frame in front of his computer, pops a Red Bull, turns on some Steppenwolf, logs in to www.blueservo.net — and starts protecting his country. “Catching wetbacks gives me such a fuzzy feeling,” Fahren-
A typical border jumper can be seen through the streaming video
kamp says, “like I’m doing something for law enforcement as well as for our own country.” Online border patrolling is about as sexy as real-life police work — hours of tedium punctuated by minutes of high excitement [if you’ve ever tried to give a girl an orgasm, you can relate]. On Blueservo’s Web site, each camera focuses on an area that’s known for illegal crossing. Next to a real-time view of a grassy meadow is the message: “Look for the tiny scurrying little men!” When a citizen spots suspicious activity and wants to play his part in Democracy, they click a big
Patrol is immediately dispatched. To date, more than 43,000 people have logged on and become, as the Web site calls them, “virtual Texas deputies.” Donald Reay, executive director of the Texas Border Sheriff’s Coalition, says most of the virtual deputies are in Texas, though some are as far away as Australia. But there is political opposition, including from state Sen. Elliot Shapleigh (D-El Paso), who says the border cameras “invite extremists to participate in virtual immigrant hunts.” Bob Parker, another online border watcher, doesn’t buy that assessment. “Goddammit, I’m being patriotic,” Parker says. “Since when did racism become un-American?” *editors note: This is an actual article, taken from npr.com. The author is John Burnett. I shit you not - apart from the racist junk, this is real. But thats not to say racism isn’t real. Because it is. And it owns.
Your Healthy Alternative to Porn ESTABLISHED 1970
BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ – Due to the recent surplus of high seasonal temperatures, “that weird Asian kid” was seen outside multiple times. “Nancy,” a witness who requested to remain anonymous, commented that she “pretty much definitely” saw him in shorts yo-yoing outside Brett Hall. Experts agree that this sighting is the latest incident in the current rash of the weird kid “de-hibernation” across campus. “They’re like little groundhoglings, or Whack-a-Moles even... just kinda sticking their heads out and sniffing around,” remarked popular anthropologist Kurt Sativa. “This is February! They should be studying for midterms or stalking potential valentines on the dance team!”
THE MEDIUM Contents
NEWS
Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
“Smoke Afghani Kush? But we’ll be fighting against our own troops!”
News News Features Opinions Arts Personals Tit’s McJizz Whats Shakin’
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Poopsicle? Yo mah nig... ho worrrd There is no page 12, silly. Lets play the good idea, bad idea game! Page 16 See page 2. Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
I don’t know how to read. That’s why I write for The Medium. I’d like to introduce you to me, Aba Sababa, your local news editor. Hate mail is certainly welcome - send it to news@themedium. net.
3-Day Outlook Super-ForeCast McGee Tonight
Who’s this? The Seahorse High: Yeah. Captain? Not my chair, not Low: Nope. my problem; thats what I say.
Thursday I’m like, so totally down. You How High? rock! Wait, what? Hold on a Low: Not! second there, jizzmeister! Friday High: ^^ Low: O
So what exactly is the sun? Is it hot, or is it just like, lightly toasted and shit?
Editorial Staff Spring 2009 Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Staff Artist Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Abe Stanway Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Mike Vuono Paul Winters Tim Swanson Colin Fong Diet Poopsi Cocaine-a Cola Mountain Don’t Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Centurion, our sole inspiration. And to my balloon hands. Corrections: Lick my furry fucking Conservative balls, you cock sucking grammar Nazis.
A Fo’real Retort The Best Insult That Should Never Be Said An Expose BY THE MIRACULOUS SPECTACULOUS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Buttzville, NJ- Have you ever told a very attractive blonde girl to go snort coke off someone’s dick? I have. Now, why would a brilliant, attractive, talented, sweet, loving, Jewish, upper-middle class young man ever say such a vile and hurtful thing to such a sweet young girl?” If you asked yourself that question, go fuck yourself. Secondly, she’s not sweet. She’s a hoe-bag. A sack of skin containing a miniature succubus that looks like Richard Simmons and the Devil when you look inside. Except the succubus is tiny, so she really looks like a gnome. The point is, she was my girlfriend. I won’t use her real name in this, so for now, we will call her The Succubus. This is my story. I was a part of one of those adorable relationships that displays itself all over Facebook. It was disgustingly cute and I publicly apologize for it. Never again. Bunnies and boners don’t fucking mix. Except
the kid, you would, too. Yesterday she broke up with me. She actually did it through a text. What a bitch. Today, we had a short textual conversation that went a little like this: The Succubus: Hey, guess who I’m sitting next to right now? Derek. Want to say hi? Me: Do you want me to tell him you told me he has a small dick? The Succubus: Well, actually, I know now that he doesn’t have a small dick anymoreee ;) Ok. Pause. Now what I said next was a very inappropriate thing to say for a Mr. Spectaculous brilliant, attractive, talentGonzo Practitioner ed, sweet, loving, Jewish, upper-middle class young hanging out with her, visitman. ing her at school, inviting Me: Go snort coke off her over to his apartment, his dick. and begging for her back, I don’t know who you every fucking chance the are, Reader of The Medium, desperate piece of shit got. but I hope you never have Naturally, I was suspito say those words in your cious of him, but The Succubus reassured me that she whole life. If you do, howhad no feelings for him. ever, then I wholeheartedly She also reassured me that encourage you. It’s fucking my cock was three times the awesome. size of his, which I still be- M. Spectaculous is a turdlieve to this day. If you saw nugget majoring in Gay.
when the bunnies are fucking...Then it’d be Furry Sex and neither I nor The Succubus were into that kind of thing. Except one time she asked me if she could do coke. I said no. Fuck no. That shit is for Furries. So. There was the exboyfriend, Derek. This kid went out with The Succubus a couple years ago and had managed to infiltrate her close group of friends,
Me: Go snort coke off his dick.
Student Forced To Crowd Surf Out Of Bus BY MIKE SCISCIONE CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick – Bus rides can be long and awkward, and nobody likes waiting to get off. One Rutgers student is taking “bus-exiting” to a new level. Determined to cut through the mass of “unnecessarily anxious assholes,” sophomore Nick Lionetti thrust his body yesterday at the wall of humans that formed outside the doors of the EE nanoseconds after it stopped near the Douglass Library. Lionetti said, “They’re like, fucking lemmings or something. I mean, can people walk the fuck through me? Next time,
If you’ve ever tried to get off a Rutgers bus, you might have taken part in one of these
throw yourself in front of the bus. Maybe then you’ll get a seat more quickly, fuck-tards.” When the much heated Lionetti put his head down and stepped off the bus with unrelenting force, he experienced a sensation that related only to the “hummer
[he] received from that redhead on Friday night.” “I think someone grabbed my shoes, but it’s chill,” he recalled. “I just hope it was one of those smokin’ lacrosse dudes.” Mike Sciscione is a fucking fag, and he enjoys licking horse dicks.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February (5x5)th, 2009
“Curious George’s New Novel: Curious George Brutally Attacks The Man in the Big Yellow Hat”
UESS WHAT RINDS ARY’S EARS A lot of things just flat out piss me off! So much shit so little time. You and I will be spending some time together this semester so lets get acquainted. I’m Gary and these are things that grind my gears. I warn you, you may not like what you see.
THE MEDIUM
Tim & Eric Awesome Show: Great Job! This show sucks ass, it is a waste of time and Tim and Eric are both retarded. ITS FUCKING ANDY MILONOKIS EXCEPT WITH TWO DUDES. The show tries to be funny by going in the vein of doing just the most random things and expecting them to be funny. RANDOM DOES NOT EQUAL FUNNY! Here is what I image the thought process for a sketch on that show goes like. RETARD: Hmm, well after the hamburger graduates from college and gets a job as an astonaut he... BLONDE GUY: I WANNA PUT ON LIPSTICK AND PLAY A WOMAN! RETARD: But the hamburger was just about to go to Wisconsin and eat a hamburger at MCDonalds and he ... Oh whatever, the show isn’t even fucking animation. That’s the whole point of adult swim: adult cartoons. And where do they get off with the “Awesome show, great job” shit. NO!!! Rename it to “Fatass and Some Dude. Stupid Show. Shit Job” (Editors note: Gary does not represent anyone’s view on T&EASGJ!. Ever. In fact he is the only one who feels this way about the show.. Ever.) Republicans Obama is the President, quit bitching and get over it. And Speaking of Republicans... The Centurion Obama is a communist, real fucking clever guys. Facebook But I mean the people who go on it. Seriously, Facebook is getting out of fucking control and needs to be stopped. I realized this after I got my 6 thousandth application request. They’ve added all sorts of shit to it. No, I, in fact, DO NOT, want to help obsolete iMACs find a new home. Good Bye. I’m out.
When she’s not yelling at The Coloreds in line at the grocery store...she reviewing movies
Angry Old Racist Woman Talks About: The Academy Award Movies
I will never drink Milk again, not because of taste but because of what you’ll be tasting for...man cock. Milk turns you into a faggot. It doesn’t give you strong bones, it gives you a strong boner for man thighs. I’m glad I I don’t want to see voted FOR Prop 8 and these terrorists on I don’t even live in that my game show. Who state. Wants to be a Millionaire is an American classic. I did like the part when he got beaten though. He cheated! There’s no way he just ‘remembered’ the answers. I can’t even remember which mall I left my grandchild at. Good thing I left him with a complete stranger.
NIXON WAS RIGHT. HE SHOULD HAVE SENT MORE OF YOU (AND YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT) TO VIETNAM! WE NEED MORE SACRIFICES! If some limey Brit ever tried to ask me questions. I would throw my cancer-filled lung at him.
The only time I want to see a Nazi read is he’s last rights right before I blow his brains out with the barrel of my rifle. I swear that guy was a Nazi, and not a Boy Scout. He was in a uniform. That’s my justification for it. Well, that’s what he gets for trying to sell me stuff for ‘charity’ whatever that is.
If I had this power of growing up and growing young. I would be back to my old shenanagians. Probably burning crosses on my “neighbors” lawns and holding the weekly Klan meeting at my house while I serve Orange Juice. Good times. I’m surprised the Alzheimer’s hasn’t hit me yet...wait we elected a WHAT?!
THIS ARTICLE HAS MICKEY ROURKE’S SEAL OF APPROVAL Send your articels to Features@themedium.net
THE OP/EDS Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 MEDIUM the rutgers review will wtf poker? on t.v.? this sucks! make your eyes bleed! “I like Jesus cookies...”
CONTRIBUTING WRITER Holden Kox Am I the only one who realizes how much of an utter piece of shit the rutgers review is? I can’t even come close to describing how much fuckin dick this shit sucks, but I’ll give it a shot. One: it looks like it’s designed by a blind, autistic 2nd grader. Two: their articles are fucking retarded as fuck. There was no way I’m gonna read through all of them, but the ones I was unfortunate enough to skim through made my eyes actually bleed. Three: in the middle of this thing is a fuckin drawing of wet cotton swabs with faces and stars or some shit and a fuckin cloud or I don’t fuckin know. It’s just more proof of how retarded it is. This is an abysmal, sickening, pathetic attempt of a paper. The entire staff of it should apologize by gouging their eyes out because you made everybody who read this shit want to do the same.
due to the economy, we must deal with rastalooking cunt rags contributing writer Holden Dix To the fat rasta-looking cuntrag who works at the convenience store at the SAC: fuck you. just because I walked in with a friend who didn’t have his ID, doesn’t make me accountable for him when I am the one trying to buy cigarettes. what kind of fucking NJ state rule is that you can’t buy cigarettes unless the whole party you walk into the store with has an ID too. if you were only a little smarter, you would realize that your boss doesn’t give a flying fuck about that bull-shit ID rule you pulled out of your ass. a fucking retard would know that your boss doesn’t check the camera to see if you ID’ed both me and my friend. i could be wrong though, maybe you care so much about your job that you follow every fucking rule in the book...you’re probably kissing your boss’ ass to get that extra 50 cent raise on your 7 dollar paycheck. knowing your dumbass, you’re probably going to be working there for the rest of your career, so I guess that’s why you’re working oh so hard. PS, tell your nerdy ass bitch of a co-worker that she’s a cunt too. fuck both of you and i hope you end your shitty ass career at the SAC.
a ruined night & whirling dervishes
Jeremy Sam Contributing Writer Why the fuck is poker televised on television. Who the fuck cares and more importantly who the fuck is watching this shit. Why? Because there is obviously a stupid little cult of cunt teens hoping to be professional poker players. “ Oh no he folds my goodness” The man just fucking placed several cards on the table. That’s not a fucking big deal. Did he pull a hat trick, did he hit a game winning shot. Does this fucking poker player need any type of equipment to play his chosen sport... no he does not. Oh wait actually he does, he needs the quintessential tinted glasses, big ass headphones, and a beer gut. What’s really fucked up about all this is that this is the same equipment used by half of the accused child molesters last year alone. All the fucking man did was placed his cards upside down on the table, and promptly followed by Scrabble at four thirty. Now online poker’s the shit. What? If they gave me a reality show, my show will be five guys in a room with slabs of concrete as beds, one shitter, with five laptops, and have them gamble their way out. At first they don’t have money chips; they use what they got that’s worth money. For example they have such inventive chips such as ball tickle, ball stroke, and facial.Eventually they work their way up to money. We can even have little challenges they complete for items that make their prison cell rooms more lively. We’ll give them nice stuff, stuff they never had. From the challenges they can win a copy of Playboy, a football, basketball, desk lamp, Neutrogena, Axe body spray, modern music, and a blowjob. I guarantee it’s the number one show...on Fox. People... just... fucking... lost it. The announcer went crazy started talking all out of breath like he just finished giving head to the entire pool of players on the poker table. Some fat chick fainted, a nun tore her clothes off, and people started throwing up posters that said shit like “I heart Toddster” What the fuck is going on here? When the fuck did poker become this big? Fuck, at this rate I expect ESPN to host the international backgammon championship. Here’s a preview of the new ESPN Daytime lineup next Friday. At two, we have the Candy land allstar game, at three we have the Sudoku world tour followed.
president barack obama has a secret...he likes jello puddin and is really bill cosby! someone said I couldn’t post this...
contributing writer Holden wang My friends and I were walking home from a party that was pretty good. We were all smashed and instead of walking home in the blithering cold we decided to take the bus. Since the recent green movement, I thought we could do our own little part by supporting public transportation via a flurry of alcohol. Happily, we jumped onto the bus, and I sat directly behind the event that ruined the night. You know that old stereotypical phrase “Asians are smart” Well turns out they’re horny as well. The industrious little fellow in front of me was practically ass raping this poor girl he was cooing. She wasn’t even enjoying it. She had such a look on her face that could only be described as “When we get back to his room what am I going to find underneath his pubes, a sharpened pencil? How am I going to jerk off this lick stick?” I felt bad for the girl, the eventual unplanned pregnancy forcing her a life of field rice and thousands of babies tugging at her nipples. I sat there imagining this path for her. Numb, and troubled by how much a waste it was. Hopefully she’ll drink her life away and catch the liver cirrhosis before he gets to impregnate her again. Him though...the asian ass raper...I hope he gets trampled to death by a flash mob consisting of whirling dervishes.
...and I said “yes i can!”
Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
The Arts
“Not everyone can blow themselves, but every guy can cum on his own face.”
THE MEDIUM
Fuck the Police
by Anonymous
This is the masterpiece you get when you have 5 friends, 2 pieces of paper, and 80 minutes twice a week in Professor Leyton’s Gen Psych class. Thanks for giving us all A’s in class, clearly we were paying attention. With great respect, this is dedicated to Professor Leyton and his words of wisdom? “LIFE IS A PARTY!”
The Arts logo as well as all traumatizing childhood cartoon orgies are done by Russian Mail-Order Bride
FINALLY! Children books that address the real issues.
Facebook Pic of the Week...
Vivien James is a high-class lady, “I’m gonna cum,” groaned the and she was shocked to find herself officer, and just then Vivien in the interrogation room at NYPD. turned around to accept his hot, “Why am I here?” she asked the milky load into her all-too-ready surprisingly handsome interroga- mouth. She drank his cum with tion officer, who was staring at her ease, knowing he had not finished intensely. with her. He bent down and whispered, “You He brought her to the ground and know what you’ve done,” into her began tracing his tongue over her ear. clit, teasing her with the thought With her head hanging down in of climax. She sat up kissing him shame, she replied, “my apologies hard and looked down to notice officer... my drunken instincts told his cock still standing fully enme it was a good idea to go after gorge and bigger than before, he that rock of yours, at the time of grinned and flipped her over. course...,” she looked up at him and She felt a cool glob of spit fall suddenly didn’t look so ashamed. to her tight asshole... she braced She glanced the officer up and herself for she knew her punishdown, she could see that his dick ment was far from over. He traced was swollen up against his pants his finger around her sweet pink and remarked, “I don’t think you are bumhole and then thrust two fintoo sorry that I did either.” gers inside her warm, wet hole. Vivien reached for the officer’s hand Vivian gasped, and then begged and slid it up her thigh to reveal that the officer to cram his entire she wasn’t wearing any panties, and swollen cock inside her tight litthat she had the dripping wetness to tle asshole. prove it. The officer was ready to bring on All in one quick motion, he threw her punishment... he grabbed her her up against the wall, lifting her ass hard and pulled her straight skirt to her waist and began explor- into him so she could REALLY ing her as she moaned in delight. feel all twelve inches of his manOverwhelmed with pleasure, her hood, she cried out with agonizlegs gave out, bringing her to her ing pain. knees only to see his pants and draw- He fucked her hard and fast, and ers down exposing his fat throbbing just as he was ready to cum, he manhood. The officer threw Vivien pulled his dick out and showdown and demanded that she suck ered her with his love elixir. She his erect cock, and like a good girl, loved getting her face covered Vivien took his member in her with each burst of his warm cum mouth and began to play with his and her only regret was that she luscious hairy balls. couldn’t lick his juice off every Vivien did as she was told and inch of her now sticky face. wrapped her wet lips around the The officer pulled up his pants, most deliciously large cock she ever packing away the last Vivien had the pleasure of sucking. would ever see of his colossal Just as his legs began shake in ecsta- cock. He walked toward the door, sy she stopped, turned around and wiping the sweat from his forebent down, ready for his rock hard head he muttered, “Stay out of dick to enter her aching pussy. Her trouble bitch,” and slammed the fire hot juices ran down his member door. as he entered in and out of her and Naked and loose, she glistened moans leapt out of her mouth, she on the floor in the officer’s man had never enjoyed a pounding quite juices, she smiled and laughed... like this before. she was off the hook. Editor’s Note: HOLY SHIT you guys are gay. Five guys wrote this? Together? Seriously? Wow. GAY! Not ‘gay’ in the sense that the story was fucking retarded (though it was) but rather in the way that puts Asian chicks to shame with all the massive amount of ping pong balls your assholes can conceal from years of cock abuse.
Because Lego Batman only won one award.
This would be you guys... if instead of being five dudes you were all just one chick, and instead of being gay you were into the whole black zombie rape thing.
THE MEDIUM To the ASB on Busch: why is every door on the first floor for “Authorized personnel only?” What the privateparts are you hiding back there that you need so many secret doors for? Is the RU Screw some sort of pridefully guarded technological wonder that you’re trying to hide from guerilla spies and rival colleges? (That’s just what they want you to think. It’s a massively complex web of technology...not a devastatingly coincidental amalgamation of slack PEOPLE! Huuumans!! HUUUMANS! SLACK MOTHERFUCKERS!!! YEAAAH!!!) (Hmmm, thinking about that I should probably watch myself until my accelerated masters app has been processed... I LOVE RU! Rah rah rah 3rd down finger thingy flaming effigies of Don Imus!) Sometimes I sit behind the grease trucks and sell my shaved leg hairs to dumb freshmen who think they’re gettin happy herbs. I make some mad g-muny Dear plotting lonely boy with his laptop at the Busch dining hall: the fact that you peer over your laptop every two freakin minutes and look around is making me very paranoid. My high school guidance counselor taught me that if you sense something’s wrong, then for crying out loud report it, and my senses are telling me you’re getting ready to launch nuclear missiles from the courtyard by the geology building. (You’re messed up and need help. The missile bunkers are on Livingston) hey asians, how bout cleaning up after yourselves after shaving your pube-staches all over the place Dear retards who try to wave down buses: it’s not a fucking taxi and it will ignore you if you’re not at a bus stop (Not entirely true, but I guess you’re just not sexy enough to stop buses when you wave) I’ll take it to the showers, but you gotta convince me this drill is all part of basic training
YOU SUCK
The 12,436th Wednesday in inordinary time
“She’s a kamikaze coquette bro... tonight’s gonna rock!” to the dude who lives in To the psycho next door in To the girl in my creative writour apartement. you smell Tinsley: stop slamming the ing class last semester who like a donkey’s anus. like door!! Just what are you so wrote to me in the Medium seriously, we can smell you angry about that you have to a few months ago. I’m sorry from outside our apartment slam your door EVERY time if I offended you by not ‘talkand i think i am getting you come back to your dorm! ing to you enough’ the day cancer from your hor- Your slammage soundwaves you ‘invited’ me into your rible smell. do you are detectable on the Rich- group. I’ve never gone to shower on a semi-regu- ter scale and are knocking any class more stoned than lar basis? hell, do you over shit on my dresser! Are creative writing, so you’re even shower at all? last night you just pissed off that you lucky I didn’t just fall asleep i could not sleep because exist? Because I sure am! in the group. If you had i was suffocating due to To the fatty in my En- been hotter, like the girl in the lack of clean oxygen in vironmental Photog- the elevator, maybe I would the room. it would also help raphy; YOU’RE AN- have talked to you more if you actually threw out NOYING SHUT THE To that bitch in my Soc. your shit that’s on your desk FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST. psych class. Please shut that also smells like it came (Are you telling me fat je- the fuck up, you are from Ms. Cleo’s vagina, sus is in your environmen- not funny >:C kthxby and she called and left tal photos class? Were you a message for ya...she playing with yourself when (Oh dude, I think you’re wants her money back. your third grade teach- in my class! I don’t know, I kinda forget what it is I (I assume you think it’s so er discussed commas?) go to every Tuesday and bad that the smell still seems To that kid in the Lime Thursday. But I’m the one to follow you long after Green Hoodie, Wonder who’s about to die of boreyou’ve left the apartment. twin Powers Activate!!! Lol a g ! dom... which narrows it And it’s still with you when f down to about 50 students!) you’re in class... and when (lol fag?? Is this some sort To the girl on the L bus you’re in the dining hall... of spinoff of lolcats? Serilast Tuesday in the maroon and when you’re crossing ously, the commas?...no coat who was taking picthe boarder into fucking wait, these last two pertures of herself with her Canada... but it’s not like sonals were written down cell phone....I would say it’s coming from you, no, by my editor in chief at the something really mean, but that would be preposterous) involvement fair... my EIC I think you are just really I like dirt! who comes to our meetings, pathetic. Try not to break I like dirt! goes over our latest issue, the lens with your face.... and SCRUTINIZES EVERYAnd dirt likes me! ONE WEEK AFTER WEEK To the Medium: Your last FOR MISSING PUNCMARKS!!!) art section wasn’t funny, TUATION
What with
it was retarded. Did you scribble that down ten seconds before you pressed the print button? “I know, let’s do a dick joke! We’ve never done THAT before!!” (What the funkychicken is wrong with you? It was 15 seconds before it was sent to print... geeze take your mediocre critiques and go to the fuckin Guggen, Googlehymen, whatever the hell they call that place. Know what you’ll see there, amongst the nude statues, nude paintings, and nude photography??? MORE DICKS!) To the young heezy who barked like a dog with his lady friend in noodle gourmet: does your tiny mind believe that your lady friend thinks that’s cute?! If someone I fancied started barking at me I’d be confused, disturbed, and pissed off at the same time—which I already am so you would add absolutely nothing to my life.
To the frisbee golf/ EXTREME FRISBEE moron who was on Douglass on Saturday afternoon; that was great when you missed the basket by about 50 feet and hit the damn light post instead. Two words dude, epic fail. To the guy who totally wiped out on his bike the other day on Busch, resulting in a small dust cloud of sneakers, takeout food, and class notes... I can see athletics are not your strong suit. The buses are here for you. (And you just stood there and wrote this personal while the contents of someone’s nerdy life spilled out onto the sidewalk? Boy, you schmucks do whatever the press tells you. Maybe I should start putting “submit signed checks to personals@themedium. n e t ” ) Enough with the gelled spiked hair! You think you’re fuckin Vegeta or smoething?
is this
To the geese on Busch Campus every morning at the ass crack of dawn: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don’t make me get my paintball gun again! To the medium: Your cliche jokes about the college are brilliant. The dining halls suck? No way! Livingston looks like god took a dump on it? That’s a new one! I love reading the same shit over an over. It’s just like studying. Such fun. I guess the sole funny individual in the medium crew graduated last year. (...and yet you still read it week after week..... allow me to raise one eyebrow and smirk at the exercise of your free will) To the ‘Better than Moms’ people: Your idea will succeed because people would rather spend 5 times as much to have someone do it for them, then to have their fat, smelly, lazy asses be pried off the couch in order to wash their own god damn clothes for 5 dollars and a cup of detergent Tupac’s got a six pack?
WRONG picture???
Pictured above is RUN DMC, who has been selected for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and, once again, not KISS. To whoever the fuck my A.A. is: When I call the duty line when I’m locked out, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE. I CALLED YOU THREE TIMES, THREE HOURS APART! Dick. It’s not much fun to suck your own titties, sigh
I need some fukking MURDERFACE, now! Hail, Belphegor’Hell’s A m b a s s a d o r ! ! I contain cream fillin yo
All checks can be made payable to personals@themedium. n e t
Wednesday, 25 February 2009 To the 60 people at Rutgers who got a higher lottery number than I did: I feel your RU screw pain. Let’s get shitfaced together while we search craig’s list for potentially odd roommates that live at least 5 miles from campus! .. Why do I go to this school again? Love, number 10,540 (Exactly why I love living off campus. Suckers.) Hey Neilson dining hall, stop watering down the fucking takeout sodas. *POPS RAPED RON* (Nobody cares.) To slutty girlfriends of boyfriends I don’t know. The next time you decide to be whorish, tell me you have a boyfriend BEFORE he or his friends want to slit my throat. Too drunk to remember this little fact? Write it on your forehead. With a fucking sharpie! (How is it your problem if they’re cheating whores? All you got to worry about is whether they’re clean and if you can fight their dipshit boyfriends.) To my roommate, You’re such a fucking loser. All you do is fucking play World of Warcraft all day and night until like 5am, and then sleep the rest of the day. Can’t you go outside for once? Or... even go to class? Holy shit, I can never do what I want in our room because you’re always there talking to your fucking dumb loser WoW buddies all night long. Maybe you should quit to save yourself from your horrendous GPA. Oh, and if your fucking alarm from your phone goes off one more time and you don’t shut that shit off or wake up, I’m going to be so pissed and I’ll make sure I yell at you like I did yesterday (At least you can take solace in the fact that he probably isn’t going to reproduce, or if he does, it’ll be with some smelly toothless bitch who has had like 6 or 7 abortions from a trailer park.) Fuck off and rape a fish!!! (Ummmmm, no thanks, dickhole. When you’re done try raping an oven when it’s turned on.)
FAT DICKS
THE MEDIUM
“Don’t turn your back on the wolf pack, or you’ll end up in a body bag!” To the dumb bitch who’s al- dear albert, stop staring at me to my housemate that can’t to anyone in clothier who ways visiting my building, all the time. that is all until remember to lock the fuck- wants to challenge me to a bleeding everyone’s ears out next issue. <3 i’m on ing door when he comes fight, ill be walking around talking about herself and a boat muthafucka!!! in: its unBelievable that ur with my unappreciated how great she is, someone (Ok, seriously who the FUCK smart Enough to remem- bandana and tie dye shirt. needs to put a dick in your is this Albert asshole?) ber wheN a book says a Well then don’t be surprised mouth and shut you up, too I thought I would enjoy see- molecule like bihydrochl- when you actually get yout bad nobody would, because ing all kinds of college girls rogofuckyourself but you ass beat, you worthless you’re so fucking ugly that not in skintight lower wear, cant remember to lock the hippy. Or, prehaps no one even Viagra could give and I did for a while. But this fucking door when u will give enough of a shit someone a boner around you. ugg-boots-and-black-tights come into the house, im about you (since you are, To that “white-girl-wanna- phase is getting kind of glad it says to breathe in a of course, a stupid, dirty be” (L) in first floor katz, By annoying or you might hippy) to do what needs to especially book all means you do not look when every spray-tanned- forget that also. be done and beat your punk white at all, and your loud ob- C o l l e g e - Av e . - i n h a b i t - (Are you counting on that ass down. In that case, you noxious drama-queen voice ing-elephant-seal is happening? You can al- are officially insignificant makes it clear that u will in on the trend. So, ways speed it up, you know. to the point that no one will never be white. SO please, whores of Slutgers, bring All you need is some rope.) even bother to remind you stop disgracing the His- some creativity to the To my roommate who of it. Fuck off, cuntrag.) panic race and PUT whoring-yourself-off-to- can’t quite seem to fig- To the pathetic excuse of a ON SOME FUCKING ”My New Haircut”-College ure it out: When you man, or rather sub-man, who CLOTHES!!!!!!! next Ave Guidos-process. Your close the window all lives on the fourth floor of time I see you walking cooperation is expected, the way it gets fucking hot Lippincott, society would around in your under- and violence is pending. in the room. It’s been a greatly appreciate it if you wear Im gonna stick a (I’ll be aiding in the en- month now, you either don’t covered your pasty body with fucking broom up ur ass, forcement of this policy.) understand cause and effect clothing. Our eyes bleed with cuz YOU ARE JUST After giving it a fair shot, or you are the dumbest per- disgust as you walk around ASKING FOR IT!!!!!!! I can safely say that the son at Rutgers. And turn your at all hours of the night (Did I just hear you correctTargum is shit. How is it tv off if you’re leaving the in nothing but your fucking ly? “White girl wannabe?” that we are a “Public room for an extended peri- extra small boxers. Maybe Jesus fuck we’re all doomed.) Ivy” (bullshit, in the first od, idiot. Your head up your you could get a girl if you to that fucking dusgusting place) and we have ads for ass has a head up its ass. grew a pair and stopped humold man student in my stat- tanning booths and bars in to the boy in my intro to ming on other guy’s nuts. As ics class, would you just our paper, that’s The Medi- human evolution class- concerned citizens looking please graduate alums domain, you shameless you’re cute. i wish i knew out for all human kind please ready?? you’re already o u . put some clothes on ASAP. fucks. Not to mention the y fucking?balding and content of the Shitrag - the ed- (Play your cards right You are not attractive in your teeth are falling itorials amount to the vapid and you’ll get acquaint- any way, shape or form. out and they look putrid.? drivel that could only come ed with his HIV, too!) (You’re just realizing that stop acting like you know from Journalism majors’ to answer your question and Neanderthals live around shit and shave that grotesque impotent minds. All of the i quote, “how do you know campus? They’re called ass beard and quit suck- national or world stories what Ms. Cleo’s twat smells hipsters and they congreing the professors dick are straight off of the AP like?”, let’s just say gate at Rutgers Review GREEK LIFE IS boilerplate, and these idiots i have my sources. meetings where they circle SO FOOLISH. report on events retro- (Dude, you don’t have jerk each other to the sounds (Meh, I think “scummy”, actively, when the stu- “connections.” You have of shitty music that only idi“homoerotic” and “worthdent body would like serious mental issues.) otic asshole hipsters like.) less” are better ways to know what events To Obama Guy in American to the curly haired cleveland to describe Greek Life.) are coming up, so they Presidency: SHUT THE kid from down the block we Hahahahahahah Liv- could fucking attend, idiots. FRONT DOOR ON YOUR all know you’re gay so you ingston sucks so much You had better believe I’m MOUTH. If you ask our dont have to keep hooking that people prefer Cook, checking that box next se- confused old man profes- up with every girl to meet you know, that place mester and keeping my $9.75, sor about Obama, he will to try to prove otherwise that smells like shit 24/7. one more dime for me, you literally shit through his To whoever sent in personThat’s right, smelling shit a s s h o l e s . oops-I-crapped-my-pants. als in a bizarre file: you’re for 9 months of your life is (I’d like to second that com- Not to mention, I will murretarded. Get your shit topreferable to liv- ment about the Op-Eds peo- der you. Palin 2012 y’all! gether for fuck’s sake and ing on Livingston. ple at the Targum. Serious- P E N I S ! send something I can read. There’s a guido out there in ly, how fucking stupid are Keep New Brunswick who doesn’t some of you people? And Thanks for the submissions! have any gel. Sorry, I just you’re all shitty-ass writers those fuckers cummin’ like Ron Jerethought it would be funny on top of it, too, especially to take your guido powers. those of you with the bi- my on some bitch’s face. The place to PS your party sucked balls weekly columns. Seriously, send them is Personals@TheMedium. a n y w a y . it takes you two weeks to (Excellent work. Medium come up with that crap? net or if you’re curious to see who’s readers, follow in the ex- Give me a fucking break. behind all this shit, come to our meetample of this brave person Oh and add the Rutgers Reand get rid of guidos. You’ll view and Centurion writing ings Wednesday nights at 9:00 PM in be saving the world, one staffs to that shit list, too.) the Busch Campus Center Room 115. dead douchebag at a time.) To Student Employment: I HAD SECKS LAST Bite My Shiny Metal Ass. We aren’t too scary (except for the NIGHT AND IT ROCKED! Proudly GivingYou the finger bitch that inhabits the opposite page.)
THE WHAT’S... Ash Ketchum Wednesday, Febtober 25th, 2009 MEDIUM What’s Shakin’? You Better Remember... “Nice Bricks!” he said. “Nah, I don’t really have a thing for bricks,” she replied
What up mother fuckers, its your new What’s Shakin’ editor: The Cocktopus. Yes. Like an octopus. - Free Condoms available in local dorm garbage cans (just wash them out first)
- 2/31 @ The RAC - The Basketball game that never happened - 3/14 @ Planet Earth - Pi Day! Rejoice in natures imperfections as you gorge yourself on pie that homeless people could only dream about - Free Toilet Paper - Find the nearest Targum stack
What’s takin’ (so long)? The Rutgers Stadium Expansion (referred to amongst students as “FUCK YEAAA FOOOTTBALLLLL”) is still incomplete, despite the fact that it’s costing 130 million dollars to create. This begs the obvious question, how would the Medium spend 130 million dollars at Rutgers? 1. Turn the stadium into a Giant Ballpen. - Filling the entire stadium 100 feet high with playpen balls would only cost about $105 million, if the balls were filled with 64% packing efficiency. 2. Hookers - Taking the most recent prostitution rates into account, it is safe to assume that 500,000 prostitutes could PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG. 3. Party with Hookers in the Giant Ballpen - The fuck are you waiting for?
POWDERED TOAST MAAAAAANN!!! Yes. Powdered Fuckin’ Toast Man, the greatest superhero since me, the fucking Cocktopus. PTM (as he’s known in “the biz”) saves the Pope, the President, and Spiderman, all while looking both delicious and terrifyingly powerful at the same time. Man, if I wasn’t so afraid of him, I’d swear he was coming on to me. Unless you spent your childhood sucking cream out of a hose with your eyes closed, you better remember Powdered Toast Man, and all his majestic, scrumptious glory.
What’s Forsaken? It’s Ash Wednesday today, which means that you get to have Jesus’ body smeared on your forehead, or something. More importantly however, it means that Lent has started. I don’t care if you’re Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish, Racist, Deceased, or anything else, there is no man on this planet who should not try to give up the hardest imaginable thing for Lent. Of course, I’m talking about when guys get naked and roll over onto their back so that they can jack off and bust into their own mouth.
What’s Bakin’?
Doc Cock’s Caption Contest Send hilarious caption for above picture to: Events@themedium.net Winner gets caption published, and Five dollars cash Straight from my pocket to yours. Go get ‘em.
How ever will you survive without doing this for 40 days?
Hot Lesbian Sex: The Musical Auditions this Wednesday at 9:00 P.M. Busch Campus Center Room 115