THE
The Entertainment Weekly of The Long White Sausage
MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIII, Number 14
“It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering. Or oral.”
The Medium salutes the Winter Olympics!
Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay!
Hilarious!
EDITORIALS
“All power to all the people”
es! ctur i p ty pret ! k loo
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
Kartoon Korner!
less to
rea d!
A Political Cartoon by Mia Cabra
Fran
ok, not a cartoon. let’s see you draw something
Comedy recommendation: Check out Doug Stanhope http://www.dougstanhope.com/ SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDN
COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDNESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EM ANGRIEST EDITORIAL EVER by John W. Minus because we always have. It was a good start at lessening racial tensions because it ended the media blackout on African and black history. But today I see that there has been a negative side to black history month, I think it has made people complacent. They see black people a lot more than they used to, and they think that the lynching, the beatings, the hatred is a thing of the past. In a way it is, but in a very real sense it is not. Today complete fucking ignorance is rampant amongst all sorts of people. It seems like a lot of people when they come here from other countries have one major rule for There is no more racism people say. Blacks are accepted. their children; stay away from black people. This mood is not really Look at that Michael Jordan fellow, they say. Cuba Gooding Jr. and prevalent amongst Europeans, as they are a lot more progressives thinking than some of the Neanderthals who populate this fucking Will Smith are big stars, how could they be so popular if racism still country. But no, Asians, South American people, even some Africans existed? Only freaks and weirdoes are racist. They are all inbred tell their kids to stay away from us because we are dangerous and rednecks from Alabama, people say, not us enlightened folk in the Northeast. Wendy’s does not serve black people? Well, that must bad. That’s why I’m angry, because sometimes Black history month seems like an empty fucking promise of something better that masks have all been the work of one aberrant store manager; it could not the ugly truth of what more people than you’d like to believe are possibly have been the view of all of the white-male upper thinking on a daily basis. For every public figure who slips up and lets management and executive pool. New Jersey State Troopers stop black motorists for no other reason than being black? Well that has their inner Klansmen show, there are 100 more who agree with him. In almost every part of the world it’s bad to be dark, and I, being Dark, to be the fault of one or two deviants in the force. None of the commanding officers should have to lose their jobs for that because, am pretty fucking upset about that. You would be too if you had to overcome your skin tone in obviously, they all can’t hold racist theories. The president of the almost every situation you could be in in a day. So some people, the University…sorry, ex-president, says that blacks are genetically white, middle and upper class types, think it’s all gravy now. You inferior to him and his race? Well there never was any reliable explanation for that, but there’s no need for him to have to lose his job wonder why black people are still so angry, even though there are those nice “Sister, Sister” girls on TV. Well, all you naïve sons-ofover that, is there? bitches, consider this a wakeup call. Things may be much, much If you look at it one way, Black history month is a good thing. It better between the races than they used to be, but never forget this; It ain’t all cool between us yet, not by a long shot. let’s us remember than we have strength in us and always will, You know what black history month, February, the shortest month of the year, you know what that means to me? I think it’s a fucking excuse for white people to think that things are ok. There are a lot of white people, no, everybody except for blacks and Hispanics actually, who think that things are all hunky-dory, that racism does not exist anymore. They think that everything is level between the races, that we do not need affirmative action anymore, because if a black person is qualified, a black person will get the job.
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Figure Page 8 Skating Page 9 Biathlon Page 10 SnowPenis Page 11 Ski Jump Page 12 Ice Hockey
Curling Bobsled Luge Skeleton What’s Shakin’
Cover by: Ryan T. C. Beckman
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan M. W. Beckman Mike Ryan Beckman Ryan J. C. Beckman Ryan J. M. Beckman Ryan G. Beckman Ryan M. B. Beckman Ryan A. G. Beckman Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Staff Photographer Senior Editor
Ryan C. H. Beckman Ryan R. B. Beckman Ryan A. M. Beckman Ryan I. D. Beckman Ryan J. C. Beckman Ryan O. Z. Beckman Ryan E. F. Beckman Ryan Q. Beckman
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
OPINIONS
“ HOGAN VS ROCK! HOGAN VS ROCK!”
Upon reading these expensively printed pages, a thought came into my head: during times of emotional outpour, different hormones and By: Terry Davison, Quarter Staff Writer chemicals are released into a creature’s bloodstream, like serotonin and adrenaline and such. That’s when it hit me: maybe it’s the fear that The other day I was strolling out of one of New Brunswick’s makes the meat taste good. Like a many fine Mexican restaurants, and my eye caught a pamphlet good marinade on a piece of prime entitled “Why Go Vegan”. Being a confirmed meat eater I wanted rib, maybe the pain of having a bolt shot to see how the other side thought, the other side being the filthy into a cow’s head a few times before malnourished vegetarians. Within the pages of this booklet, its hitting the mark releases just the right colorful and glossy photo filled pages informed me of the horrible blend of hormones to make the beef conditions faced by egg laying hens, milk cows, beef cows, and taste extra delicious. Maybe any other animals that are better off cooked than eating grass and everything does not taste like chicken, it poisoning the atmosphere with their dirty methane filled gaseous tastes like fear, pain, and confusion. So I releases. say pour on the suffering as long as it makes my dinner taste better, because I YUMMY! The Art of Passing Papers love meat, I LOVE it. As my friend Nick told me, “I love meat and nothing you can say or do will make me stop A Rant by Kyle Colalillo loving meat, unless you make the meat taste different, and then I’ll come Philosophy Joe’s Corner find you”. So please pass the mutton, with an extra helping of fear. First off, FUCK YOU. Hello, and welcome to Philosophy Joe’s (Suffering is what makes veal so tender and delicious – Ops Ed) Mmmm, Tastes like SUFFERING
Corner. Each week I plan on bringing you basic How many times have you sat in a lecture hall, and the philosophical ideas/issues raised by me (or the professor passes out either a) handouts b) attendance sheets or readers, preferably), which will be presented in c) grades to the class? You watch as the papers make their layman’s terms (read: idiot-speak) for the way around the room, maybe even spending the extra time to readers (Whether I’ll print it or not is another calculate how long until you should be expecting the paper to issue altogether – Ops Ed). Why would Icome to you. Everything is going fine….. include a philosophy column in The Medium, you might ask? Well, I believe that Medium readers BAM! The stupid motherfucker in the middle of the are actually quite intelligent. For example, many class changes the fuckin’ direction of the papers, and the
inevitable sausage party that awaits them. If you can’t handle philosophy, don’t sign up for a post100 level class - take the intro classes, that’s what they’re for (this applies to everyone). This isn’t so much a rant though as it is an appeal - ladies, PLEASE take more philosophy classes (because I need someone to fantasize about when I masturbate – Ops Ed). It is depressing how little women there are in philosophy. If you are willing
ESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 11
@
AIL COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDNESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THI fuckin’ things slide right past half of the room. Twenty minutes DON’T GET IT TWISTED! later, the professor asks if everyone received the handout, and about 30 people moan “No”. Am I the only one amazingly pissed of the humorous fictional “news” articles that off? How the fuck can you screw up passing around papers? This appear (read: The Onion rip-off) (fuck you – case has always irked me, but I figured it was just cases in the Ops Ed) do require some level of sophisticated classes I took outside my pharmacy major. Wrong again. humor to fully enjoy (The Simpsons are an example of sophisticated humor). Sure, pictures Most recently, my 2nd period Molecular Biotech professor of nude women in this magazine abound decided to give an attendance sheet out. In the lovely dimensions there’s a good chance there’ll be one next to of ARC 103, she proceeded to give half of the roster to one side of this article - but the First Amendment is what the room, and the other half to the right side. Not a common makes this magazine possible, and God bless it. approach, but whatever floats your boat. So, what would you Anyway, onto my first article of the week - a expect the students to do? Well, we have many approaches, but I rant on women and philosophy. will simplify to the 2 main ideas that I came up with (in the 30 second span that she said she was taking attendance!) For starters, Philosophy seems to be a hit or miss we can choose to ignore the professor’s half and half, and get the kind of subject. Some people get it, some people papers to the middle, where we can proceed going row by row to don’t. But unlike, say, math for example, most sign the sheet. Too much to ask? Possibly, so we can then pass people can understand at least some of it, to a the sheets on the left all the way thru the left section, pass the point. But philosophy seems to be almost sheets on the right all the way thru the right section, and then have completely hit or miss - either you get it, or you them come down the middle section, with the middle section being don’Ot get it at all. So you better make sure the transfer of sheets. Now the left half would get the right half, you can cope with a philosophical way of and the right half would get the left half. Not very complex now is thinking before you sign up for a nonit? (might I remind you, these people are listening on the basics of introductory philosophy class - which brings me cloning) to my main point - why do some many women drop so many philosophy classes? For example, Now, somehow there are people that decide “Oh, Let me in all 3 of my philosophy classes this semester, just put this on the chair with nobody in it next to me.” nearly half of the people in them were women DICKHEADS! What about the good ol’ “Hmm, I’m a fucking idiot, (about 40%) at the start of the semester. Now, I forgot what side passed it to me, lemme just pass it straight back!”4 weeks later, that number has dropped severely JERKOFFS! Last, but my favorite, especially in this massively - there is now 1 girl for every 5 guys (1/6 of the cliquey major, is the “Ok, let me just sign right here and class is female) - c’mon, this isn’t Stevens Tech then……Oh! John! You want it? Ok! (even though he will get this we’re talking about. There is one exception paper in another minute, he must get it from his friend for some however- in one of my classes, the MAJORITY reason instead, skipping a few unknowing students). This notorious of the class is female (about 60%). I did find action calls for the mother of insults, Ryan “Autism is my life and out why this was the case though - many of the the extent of my vocabulary” Beckman! SO many things go wrong girls, and even some of the guys, were taking for the simplest of tasks. the class for some sort of education requirement, Study this article, all of you. Everyone. Let it be known thatpossible for their Psychology majors. Anyway, the methodology of passing a paper around a class needs to be as I have to wonder - of all the people that dropped the classes, why are 90% of them female? fucking ridiculously bashed into heads as much as a final exam time. Uh-oh, 4:30. Pharmaceutical Chemistry time, may everything Ladies, please try not to drop the classes after be on that damn blackboard. (I love people who are enraged by you’ve signed up for them - this only ends up providing a false glimmer of hope to all of the trivial matters. Seriously though I agree with him. I wish guys in the class, who then later discover the people weren’t so fucking stupid – Ops Ed)
FIX YA FACE! and able, take philosophy courses! In fact, it is detrimental not to, in that you are perpetuating the notion held by many (not by me) that women can’t do philosophy. (Or math, or science, or anything besides Home Ec – Ops Ed) If you take philosophy classes, you can be right up there with other great women philosophers, such as....um....er....that’s my point exactly. A severe lack of interest in philosophy by the female community is the reason why there aren’t that many great female philosophers (at least that most people can name offhand). If more women get interested in philosophy, maybe she could end up being the next female Plato, Aristotle, or Socrates. I know women can do it, but as to why they don’t, I’m not sure. I’m looking forward to your comments and responses. Send them, as well as any other topics you’d like to see me discuss, to philosophyjoe@hotmail.com. Also, if you’re a hot philosophy chick who’s attracted to philosophy majors (or Berbers), (Berbers don’t exist, they’re just fairy tales used to frighten children – Ops Ed) be sure to email me. Finally, in case you were wondering, Hilary Putnam is a MAN....
Ryan
“Where’s the mousey!”
Armless, Legless Stripper To Speak At RU By Brian Benson (College Ave)- Tammy Torso the ever popular limb deprived exotic dancer will speak to Rutgers students at The Rutgers student center Friday night. Officials at the University hope Tammy’s speech will teach young people to, “overcome adversity, make the best of a bad situation, and see that loosing body parts does not mean you can’t strip”. The 23 year old Ms. Torso has appeared in hundreds of strip clubs, the Guiness Book Of World Records,(most strip shows by a limless woman) as well as headlining the Special Olympics Of Sex in Las Vegas. Tammy uses a complex and visually disturbing system of strings and pulleys to remove her sequened G- Strings (A woman with no arms and push up bras and to attempt a very odd can’t cook... a woman with and freightening poll dance, all to the delight of no vocal chords is my men who take in her shows. Lately she has dreamgirl) traded in her mouth- dependent stage act for a new role as a motivational speaker at colleges and corporations across America. In her packed speeches Tammy moves audiences to tears with details of her loosing battle with a piece of heavy farm equipment in her native Iowa in 1996. She also tells the sad story of being unable to slap away the roaming hands of her 5 brothers and the family’s farm animals who forced her into crippled stripping. Tammy’s press biography features the closing lines,” I may have lost my arms and legs, but I never lost the ability to turn on men and farm animals, just don’t ask me for a handjob” Tickets for this special, heartwrenching motivational speech are on sale now at the RSC information desk.
Go see a moderate band before they get too good to play this shit-hole.
A Cure for Herpes Simplex II by Yoyoma Kates Millions of people worldwide and tens of thousands of Rutgers students are celebrating today— jubilant over scientists’ recent discovery of a possible cure for herpes simplex II, or genital herpes. After years of research and relentless testing, the venereal disease Rutgers students have nurtured for so long may have its days numbered. The disease is known for painful sores, blisters, itching, and burning (if urine flows over these sores), and has been a nuisance to over 45 million Americans with half a million new cases documented each year. Though the experiments were novel and somewhat controversial, scientists P.P.Peterman and Itchy Gladstone decided to carry on without federal financial help. Peterman outlined their main source for infected research candidates. “Working on the assumption that 98% of students visiting grease trucks have herpes, we would put on our play clothes and rent a grease truck for the night. It was usually Mr. C’s for they were the most polite and cooperative. When drunken students would come by for late night snacks and treats, we would bash them with a giant piece of gyro meat, or a soda can then store them in the back. Once we got two or three we would rush them to the food science building on cook and get to work, dropping them on one of the morning’s first EE’s when we were finished.” The actual innovation happened just after sunrise about two weeks ago. Once the scientists had finished all the usual testing but had not yet unstrapped the students from the tables, they decided to have a quick breakfast. Popping a couple of their favorite breakfast treats (Pillsbury toaster strudel) into the toaster, Peterson and Gladstone began squirting the extra icing packets on their subjects chanting, “nothing says lovin like a falafel bludgeon!” Quite rapidly and miraculously the open sores of the patients festered furiously and then were extinguished with the zeal of baking soda volcanoes. When the fizz was cleared, the sores were gone and so began a new phase of testing, which lead to the major breakthroughs of the past weeks. You’re a waste of space... just like me
Does everything you think you Testicle Pops are see my favorite. become a tootsie roll to thee? Send News Articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 20th 2002
VS Ungodly Confrontation with Evil... A Very Disappointing Experience New Brunswick—Last week, Features Editor Martin Babitz was shocked to learn that he had an evil twin, separated at birth by an archdiocese bent on quarantining the other’s evil. That twin, lost in Vatican bureaucracy, appeared last Wednesday to confront his normal twin, and to seek satisfaction in what has been apparently a decades old battle that no one really cared about.
Thursday , February 28th see Hoobastank play theCook Campus Center! Tickets go on sale bright and early this Friday so try not to party too hard thursday night. $10 a ticket with a valid Rutgers I.D. One guest per person and the rest of the usual crap.
“I was walking up to my apartment, and I heard some voice calling “Buddy!…. buuuudddyyyy!” Babitz said in a prepared statement to the press. “Naturally I thought it was that homeless lady again looking for change, but I turned around and there he was… me. Except he had sort of a bad mustache, was covered in cicada bug shells, and that he sucked. God, I tried to bring him in off the street, and give him some food and water, but as soon as I brought him into
my place all my plants and fish died, and he started getting all pissed off about my monogrammed towels. I guess the initials bothered him. I mean is it my fault he was given the same name as me? What a dick.” Authorities, when informed about the confrontation, shrugged and consulted their specialist, Dr. Earl Harris. “Often, in cases like this, when an egg divides, the good and evil genes are polarized, sending them to separate embryos. Rarely do we come across a case where the evil side has become so horribly fat, and yet has also been taught to play “Music Box Dancer” with a set of horns much like a seal. Where do you suppose he learned that?” asked Harris. “But mysterious are the ways of evil, and hopefully I never have to see an evil twin like that again.” Evil Martin, after being released from police custody, joined a jug band with Chip Nader, evil twin to brother Ralph, and Cashew, the evil yet jobless twin to famed romance advisor Peanut Johnson.
Wednesday, February 20th 2002
Beckman
“Masterbate to autisticate.”
Asian-Americans Defying Traditional Stereotypes : More and More are Lazy, Stupid By Sushma Trivedi When Steve Chang and Chris Kim get together after class, academics are the furthest things from their minds. Instead, the two RU freshman go back to their dorm and listen to rap music, eat Doritos and get high. “Don’t make assumptions about us just because we’re Asian,” said Chang, while passing a joint to Kim, “Not all of (Kimmy Kim, generic Asian girl and staff us care about college.” With poor writer is shown above being punished by her grades and atrocious study habits, father for failing to do the dishes...bad Kimmy) Kim and Chang are part of a new wave of young Asian-Americans who are challenging people’s notions about Far Easterners. No longer content to be regarded as intelligent, hard-working, and family-orientated, a rising number of second and third generation Asian-Americans are beginning to fail miserably.
Pornography Pornography Prevents Prevents Terrible Terrible Article Article From From Being Being Read Read
New Brunswick - Today a lot of people did stuff. The important thing is that one of the things that happened was to my friend Vinny. He was walking around downtown and then some hobo was like “hey man can i have some change?” So Vinny said ok... and when he reached into his pocket to “get some change” he took out a gun and shot the homeless man to death. It was so funny. Then after that we did the guy in the jeep liberty. ... b/c we’re french canadian and that was really cool. Then i went to the grease trucks and got a fat cat... and then i shit in my pants, but don’t worry, Vinny licked it off for me... we take care of each other like that because we’re good friends.
Hoobastank to Play at Rutgers: “We’re not good enough for decent schools yet.”
“This is the next logical step for us,” says Ken Chen, President of the Rutgers Asian Diversity Club. “People assume all we’re able to do is emigrate to the US with nothing and establish thriving businesses and careers through hard work and determination. Well, that’s just not true.” “People look at me and figure I’m smart, just because I’m Chinese, “ said Liu Bin, a New Brunswick, NJ, 25 year old who is unemployed and not looking for work. “Well, I’m not. I’m stupid.” “It just makes me so mad,” said Tim Joung Soo, a Korean immigrant who passed on going to college to focus on fixing up his “99 Civic and picking up women. “I just want to party and get laid, not achieve.” When not hanging out getting drunk and partying, Joung Soo and his fellow Asian Americans are shattering myths about cultural superiority in academics. While some young Asian-Americans just simply refusing to take college level calculus, one bold group is going as far as organizing a “math strike” to protest the unfair generalizations. “The other day in math class, my math teacher asked me to calculate the value of a sine curve,” said Jenny Wu. “So, I’m like, ‘Forget it old man, I’m Asian.” Recently, at Harvard University, Asian-born students held a massive “fail-in” refusing to answer any test questions correctly. Among the answers given: “Hydrogen is an adverb” and “The president of Russia is Harry Potter.” But for all the progress, Asian-Americans still have a long way to go. According to the Census Bureau, nearly 95% of Asian-American high school seniors go on to college, a number Chang calls “alarmingly high.”
By George Baxter Last month while most of us lazy fucks were sleeping all day and having sex with our long forgotten gerbils some Rutgers students were working for the better good of the rest of the student body. Thanks to the diligent work and overwhelming about of gay sex put forth by RCPC, Hoobastank will Lead singer... Brad?, shows the now be playing the cook campus center on crowd how to deep throat. th Thursday Feb. 28 . Members of the university club said that while they were trying to book the band, the lead singer (his name is not worth knowing yet as this band is not fully out of the “suck era” of music) said, “Ehh, we’ll go as long as there are sluts. I hear Rutgers has a lot of sluts. Besides, we can’t get booked at any half-decent universities like Seton Hall, The College of New Jersey or even Princeton.” After the conversation with the band’s front man, Kyle Coldinadobora said, “Hey, this guy’s already an asshole to the fans…they should skyrocket to the top in no time. The event should provide a mating ground for unattractive, skanky girls and the sweaty guys who don’t wear shirts at punk shows… all those wishing to catch communicable diseases are advised to get tickets early… dick.
POLICE BLOTTER • Sixteen Girls from various Sororities were arrested and beaten for being “dumb bitches”.
Tammy says get your ass to a medium meeting this week for some fine crippled pussy... Livingston Student Center room 113 at 9:00... tonight.
• A homeless man was arrested by a New Brunswick police officer after the man urinated on the squad car.
• Two university students are in jail for public lewdness. The couple was in the CA computer lab Monday night and began to engage in intercourse. The arresting officers took them into custody after watching and ejaculating
• +- Two men with the same name were taken into custody after fighting about their name. The solution... one is now Kim and the other Anne. -Kim Beckman (The above info was provided by Jesus.)
“They Call Me Mr. Bubble.”
Masters of the Universe: A Discussion of Identity in the ‘80s By Martin Babitz
The 80’s were a strange time, with Reagan at the helm at of the country, and that weird optimism/cynicism following the post-Vietnam period in the US spawning some seriously weird shit. The ‘80s made otherwise talentless men multi-millionaires based on how believable they were as rugged individualists and “one-man-armies.” Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and to a lesser degree Bruce Willis embodied the era of cut and dry politics, where blowing away everyone in the room was preferable to negotiation. The first two especially were exaggerated models of masculinity, creating a powerful message of confidence in an environment that was at best muddy and complex. By the time the mid-80’s rolled around, this genre was in full swing, leaving us with a culture of take no prisoners rhetoric and clear cut justice. One of these films, Conan the Barbarian, spawned a line of toys that never made it into full production: another facet of Reagan-era life, morality crusades, incited parents, outraged by violence in the media to lobby against violent children’s programming. So, Conan the Barbarian toys, with the molds already made, became one of the most successful shows and toys of the time: Masters of the Universe. Featuring a rather effeminate man clad in a velvet vest and lavender tights and shorts, the show’s title character held aloft his magic sword, and with a few magic words, became “HE-MAN: The Most Powerful Man in the Universe!!!!” Shortly before turning his likewise cowardly and also effeminate pet tiger into Battle Cat, who probably was the most powerful tiger in the universe. Naturally, both their voices became very deep and bassy, to accompany their power. Grrrr. With the success of He-Man’s television and toy line, Mattel and Filmation, the shows co-owners decided to create a show more suited to the tastes of young girls. She-Ra: Princess of Power, the female counterpart and “cousin” to He-Man, enlisted a cast of nearly exact opposites to the characters of the previous show, including the opposite to Teela, the only female “good” character on the early original series. This character Bo, or Beau or however it’s spelled, was the only “good guy” male, given qualities to make him appeal to girls, he was soft spoken, an archer, gentle, and had a neatly groomed mustache. He even had a large glowing heart built into his chest. I think you know where I’m going with this. Ahem.
Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
How to Get Your Ass Kicked on Douglass Campus by Aija McKenzie I know lots of people have certain misconceptions about Douglass Campus. They tend to think that we are either: A) A bunch of maladjusted FemiNazis on a warpath. B) One big slumber party where lots of homoerotic tickling and giggling goes on between girls clad in white cotton . C) Whiny girls who go on and on about their feelings, strumming guitars and rejecting conventional underwear. Truth is, although these girls don’t compose all of Douglass (by far), all of these girls exist. And you want to piss them off, don’t you? Nothing feels better to a Douglass girl like me than to pound the shit out of a Patriarchal asshole like yourself. So if you meet a nice girl on Douglass, you’ll wanna say a few choice things. If she’s wearing a tank top (and prolly no bra) ask her, “You do know why those things are called wife-beaters, right?” If she has on a Rutgers Women’s Rugby Jacket, ask her “So how much lesbo action really goes on? Heh Heh.” This’ll help if you jab her with your elbow while you’re asking. And if you see a girl that writes for the Caellian, tell her that you looked all through the paper and couldn’t find any hair and makeup tips for your bitch - eh, girlfriend. By now you should be on the right track for a homestyle DC ass kickin’ - but don’t forget, the “barefoot and pregnant,” line always a classic, and applicable in almost every situation. Oh, and don’t forget to wear your cup - or rather, leave it at home - an asshole like you doesn’t need to procreate. Douglass ‘04 (DC Represent - Hell yeah) Submit to Features! Immediately! mbabitz@eden! I said now, bitch!
Love Expired....... by Bryan Jenson Dead Girl, Dead Girl My postmortem little whore Once I had your cold, blue flesh, I only wanted more... dug you up, took you home... left you in my yard everytime I smelled your rot, I got so fucking hard!!!
The concept of a person of one gender within a community of others is a whole other topic (Early GI Joe, Smurfs, Alien 3, Herman’s Head). So instead of my typical stuff, which usually winds down into a series of unintelligible obscenities, I decided to Dead Bitch Dead Bitch, write something that might get a cold, green, worm filled eyes. response back for a change. In a Concrete Soda I love the way the blood, pus and cum, perfect world, I would ask the reader ramble down your thighs!!! (to be read with a smooth Spanish accent) to respond, writing something that By Martin Babitz explores something below the surface of pop culture. If you can make a point, I drink you in with my mind “Looking At Girls Online I’d be glad to print it, Your beauty is delicious by Alexander The Poet 02/14/02 so send that shit in. It helps me to unwind While I am doing dishes You look fine in those jeans Of taut yet yielding denim I spend outside my means you spray my eyes with venom I am blinded by your love Paralyzed by beauty I pray up to God above So I can touch your booty Cast from purest pirate’s gold, My coy and brilliant lover, Yet you are far too bold, So I will try your mother.
Looking at girls online That’s all I can do I wish they could be mine And they’d want me too I know how to find them I type their website And then its no problem I’m set for the night
I’m a little teapot, short & stout Here is my handle Here is my gargantuan penis
God I’d love to date them And, to bang them too Can I be their boyfriend? Can I squeeze their boobs?
when I get all steamed up, feel my spout tip me into your mouth & swallow my cum. -Richard Piece & Buck Naked
Thank God for Internet How I love it so For I can jerk off at... Girls I’ll never know! THE END
mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu
Beans, beans, beans the magical fruit the more you eat The more you suck my Dick. -Jack Danger
mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu
GMG
Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
Features
“Confusion, Colostomy, Concern. The 3 C’s of Relationships”
Feel like coming to a Medium Meeting? No, but your probation officer demands it? Great!Meetings are 9 pm @ the LSC, Room 113.
RU Student’s T-Shirt Causes Confusion, Colostomy, Concern Ben Schachtman, super journalist supreme Rutgers College student Ryan B. lodged a slew of complaints with both Rutgers and New Brunswick authorities after a series of verbal and physical assaults. According to the police report the victim, a profoundly passive man, was harassed due to the visual content of his favorite t-shirt, an eponymous logo of admiration for his favorite band, Tool. The first of many incidents was reported as follows: 2:15pm, Livingston Campus Center, Piscataway. Subject, Ryan B., male, Caucasian, average height and weight, was verbally assaulted by two, possibly three, fellow students while waiting for an intercampus bus. One suspect, an unidentified male, Asian, diminutive height, reportedly shouted, “Hey B———, stop being a tool, you big tool!” The victim, B., cowered passively behind a bulletin board in the hopes of avoiding confrontation. However, the diminutive Asian man followed him, repeatedly chanting, “Tool! Tool! You’re a big tool!” In an unrelated assault, the victim’s mother and aunt were called whores while sitting in front of their Highland Park residence by an unidentified assailant in a dark brown Mercedes sedan. Ryan B’s initial report went unheeded, and after several days, he had been assaulted repeatedly and had been physically assaulted twice, once severely enough to render him incontinent for the remainder of the week. A close friend described the weeks events, on the condition that we keep his name anonymous, or at least change it to John Q. J.Q.– Hey. B.S. – Can you describe the events of the week? J.Q. – Yeah, I guess. B——— had this stupid shirt on, its his favorite. Then that fucking Chinese midget starting harassing him at the bus stop. I don’t know why Asian midgets suck so much, but they fucking piss me off. More than paraplegics. B.S. – Yes, the pure evil of Asian midgets is well documented, could you tell us what happened after the midget assaulted Ryan. J.Q. – Oh yeah, well, his fraternity brothers told him to change his shirt, or to grow some balls and beat up that little fucking yellow monkeybitch at the bus station. But Ryan’s a pacifist, you know, like Gandhi, or EltonJohn, so he kept taking it, like a bitch. B.S. – A little yellow monkey bitch? J.Q. – Yes. B.S. – Then what happened? J.Q. – Well, he started talking about how this was a big moral battle, “this has to stop” he kept saying, over and over again. He wouldn’t take the shirt off, not even when he showered, or pleasured himself. B.S. – You mean masturbated? J.Q. – Well, yes, he did that a lot on account of not having any friends. So he justkept wearing that Tool shirt, and eventually other people started calling him ‘toolboy’ or ‘hey-you-big-fucking-tool” but Ryan wouldn’t stop. He’s crazy. B.S. – Are you concerned for your friend’s safety? J.Q. – Hell yeah, we aren’t just talking about little yellow monkey bitchespicking on him. Just the other day, I overheard some Livingston students talking about how they were gonna beat up that tool kid. I’m worried that they’ll hurt him again, he already has colon problems since that bus driver sodomized him with his own umbrella. B.S. – What do you plan to do? J.Q. – I’m going to kill him. For his own good. He can’t live like that. B.S. – A true friend, a gentleman, and a pillar of our Rutgers community. Thank you for being here today. J.Q. – Sure thing. Shout out to Mike Dawg and Funky Z. B.S. – Don’t do that. J.Q. – Sorry. Props to big L. B.S. – Get out. As the days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into several weeks, Ryan B. stands firm, but as recent police reports show, the tide may be impossible to turn. Just this weekend, Ryan B. was the target of several “drive-by” style verbal assaults. After one especially fierce verbal pummeling, the assailant jumped out of his vehicle, tied Ryan B. into a pretzel-like human knot, and punted him through a hedge of bushes that vaguely resembled football uprights. Although many times his assailant’s size, Ryan B. did not retaliate, allowing himself to be pummeled from inside his bushy coffin, claiming, “I’ve got to be on a higher level than them, its what Tool would want.” Tool’s band members were unavailable for comment, as was Ryan’s mother. As a result of increasingly violent assaults, Ryan B. has declined to be interviewed, venturing out only in the early twilight hours to feed on food scraps near the Brower Common dumpsters. We at the Medium can only pledge our solidarity to Ryan B. It is our hope that his days of strife are few, and that only super happy fluffy bunny days await him in the relatively near future. Until then, if you see a sad looking boy in a Tool shirt, don’t make fun of him. Drive to Highland park and call his aunt a whore.
Vaginal Popcorn The world is an interesting place and in this “world” there are many, many vaginas. The one I happen to spend the majority of time with is called Plasorouse. It is a kind vagina and I treat it well… as a result, I often receive benefits of a wondrous nature. This past weekend however, I got the most wonderful treat of all…. by Pete Petersen
You see, I am a white male, age 18-35, so in the scheme of things I’m on top… except in bed, because as we all know black men are hung like elephants… black elephants in fact. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not hung like an Asian guy or anything… but I’m certainly no “John Darky”. It turns out that Jane, the girl I’m with, used to date a black guy… at first it was like having sex with a hoolahoop… those guys can really do a number on a white girl, but eventually she got back to normal… but she still craved more. Being an experimental guy, I do all sorts of things to please her… including the use of certain food products… usually zucchini, but this time it was corn on the cob. So I was pumping away… both the dried corncob and my penis working her over… after a few minutes Jane started to cum. She was going wild, her legs flailing all over and then, we heard a popping sound. We paused for a second, but we both wanted more so… pump pump pump POP. “Holy fucking shit! What the hell is that?” I felt something explode against my cock, “Jesus you’re coming a lot, it feels like something just shot my dick.” “I feel it too, I just thought you shot your load.” So after another minute or two of painful sex I came…. Upon pulling out I looked down at my bloody member. But then, after I pulled the corncob out, popcorn started to fall from Jane’s pussy. It turns out the friction heated up the corn kernels just enough to pop them. Sure it was painful, but god I love vaginaflavored popcorn… it’s all buttery without the cholesterol. I suggest you try it sometime… but wear 2 condoms to absorb some of the impact.
Bitter Todd, Dick For All Seasons (or, Don’t Get Stuck With A Psycho Roommate Like I Did) by Brian Benson His name was Bitter Todd; he was a subletter in my house this past Summer and he sucked. I guess it was my own n fault, moving in with a guy whose nickname was “Bitter”. His natural facial expression was a frown and he bragged about throwing people down the stairs at his old house. For fun him and his friends would have punching contests where they sat in a room and punched each other in the chest. For some reason I forgot all of these things and gave it a shot. At first all was great, Todd “gave” me cool stuff, like speakers for my computer and a new cordless phone for the house. One day however, Bitter drank a bottle of whiskey and flipped out on me. We screamed at each other and Bitter smashed the garbage cans and furniture, I barely avoided being thrown down the stairs. The next day the speakers were gone from my room. Then when the phone rang, on the line I PAID FOR he made me ask if I could answer it since it was his cordless! The day he moved out in August Bitter told my other roommate that the reason he was so bitter was because,”my mother never hugged me when I was little, GRRRR” He then punched several holes in the wall and threw the garbage cans down the stairs. The lesson to all of this is simple, Rutgers is full of “Bitter Todds”. You see them at the gym, you see them at Old Queens Tavern, you see them throwing people down the stairs in Frat houses all over Union St. The key is not to let yourself get caught living with a person like this in an off-campus house. Do yourself a favor and give this questionaire to your potential roommate, so that you avoid living with a psycho, when your walls have no holes and you sleep without fear at night, you will thank me: 1) Do you have an enemies list? 2) Do you think laws punishing people, who beat their roommate to death, are toostrict? 3) Finish this sentence— “stabbing someone to death should be the ____ option to settle recycling arguments? 4) Did you kill or try to kill your last roommate? 5) Did your mother hug you when you were little? Good luck finding that perfect roommate!!
Submit articles for next week’s issue to:mbabitz@eden
Arts
“Maple syrup, gay marriage... what’s not to love?”
and now...the eagerly awaited conclusion to last week’s
TWO JEWS ON PORN in which they review the interracial adult film “Once You Go Black...”
by Cody Burke & Jason Herskovitz J: Not this piece of shit movie! All bad! Though, the girl in the last scene had potential until she took off her bikini, and revealed the nastiest, ironed flat, National Geographic tits I’ve ever seen! Reminded me of those Uganda tribal broads whose knockers have been relieved of all their worldly innards, leaving only hanging flaccid flesh, like two empty scrotums. This girl would fit in well. C: She doesn’t even need a third breast to be an alien extra on “Total Recall,” and her malformed mammary wasn’t the only freaky thing about her. J: Yeah! How ‘bout some more shriveled up, wrinkly old lady skin? Her stomach looks as though it was left in the dryer too long. What happened!? Surgery? Car accident? Punched too many times by your street corner pimp? WHAT!? Frustrating Cody! To think, tons of attractive girls try so hard to land a porno role (leave your name, photos, and availability at www.2jewsonporn.com), and yet this weird freak of ungodly descent fucks on film! Either she sold the rights to her degenerate soul, or the producer’s Mother Theresa generous. C: God rest her soul, but Mother Theresa isn’t even that charitable. “I’ve seen leper children through plague, pestilence and famine, but this?!” J: She growled while storming out after the third nauseating act of this tawdry play. Which is exactly when we should’ve taken a sledgehammer to the DVD player. But NOOO! We just had to press on with this masochistic line of torture! C: But Jay, we would have missed the scene with Julian and Lucinda. They introduced us to Suzanne Summer’s new line of fabulous exercise equipment. First, we have the “Titty-Master,” just lie on your back with your triple E knockers between your thighs and squeeze your way to heavenly hooters! J: BUT WAIT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! If you’re one of the first hundred pathetic shlubs to call, we’ll throw in at no cost to you, The Puffy Pump! Simply fasten the adjustable nozzle to your nipple and pump those paltry perkies to paranormal proportions! Now who can argue with that inflation? C: A Simply Amazing invention!, though it should come with a warning. Now ladies I realize some of you may be considering breast implants, but the key word here is moderation. Let’s take Charlene from scene 3 as an example. Her lactation stations were filled to near the bursting point. This just won’t do. If after the operation your melons look like Olympic regulation sized shot-puts, it’s time to request a refund. J: Common now Cody, none of these rancid trollops seemed all that concerned with their freakish aesthetics, particularly that dreadful tattooed reject from a Prince video, whatever the fuck her name was. I’m trying desperately to forget that nightmarish episode. C: Well, what they lacked in beauty they certainly made up for in physical prowess. As you may remember Fred got a first hand demonstration of the wrist strength these ladies possess. I must say, he had an amazing endurance for having his balls pummeled to palm sized pulp. J: Alright already, adequate amount of awful alliteration allotted, asshole! C: Illustrious insight, idiot. But I can’t underemphasize how much pain this guy must’ve been in. The family jewels don’t belong in a clenched fist.
Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
J: Yeah, yeah, I suppose. Alright listen up sclemeels and schlemazels! Here’s the low-down on our system, any one stroker picture can receive zero to perhaps even nine lit candles on our menorahs. Rabbi Shloman never warned you about this desecration. Now, zero, of course would be, say, receiving quarters wrapped in aluminum foil for the holidays, Damn you! Grandma! And nine would be bouncing said coins off the tight bellies of teenage strippers within the privacy of your own bedroom. Which I have enjoyed many an evening. Cody? C: Jay, the only female entertainment you’ve been getting with quarters lately involves a woman named Ms. Pac-Man. That being said I’m afraid our glorious come back will not involve the menorahs after all. So your rant, pointless.
no candles? oh no!
J: That’s right! Zero candles all around! (He says while giving Cody the finger). This cage dung couldn’t turn me on if I had a switch. But if you’re looking for a sure fire antidote to your terminal erection, you’ve come to the right place, otherwise, all aboard the train back to sanity. C: That’s ok, I’ll walk, straight to the trash bin to deposit this DVD right where it belongs. Next time, I pick! And with that I say Shalom. J: Yeah, I wait with breathless anticipation. ‘Till next time fellow Heebs, where we’ll all bask in Cody’s dreadful taste. Shalom! I apologize for my sloppy handling of this article. See the 2/13 Arts section for the first part. For future reference, please limit the size of articles to 10,000 words or less. - Ed.
Don’t get caught with your pants down. Come to a Medium meeting!
Tonight at 9 LSC 113 Wanna be an activist and take on huge multinational corporations, but can’t because your ass has grown into the couch cushions from months of watching TV? Here’s your chance to start! Fox is cancelling the animated primetime show The Family Guy. Fill out the online petition to keep it on the air: http://www.petitiononline.com/savefg2/petition.html If you find you really enjoy into stickin’ it to The Man, why not send letters of protest to the network execs? That’ll really get their goat! (although it requires paper and a stamp, so you may have to shell out a few cents... and you have to put it in a mail receptacle, so you might have to put weight on your feet for a few minutes)
Stewie is positively outraged that Fox wants to remove his family from their Thursday night slot.
J: Especially that terrible beast’s, what in the name of all that’s holy and rational was she thinking!? Ladies, ladies, a little piece of advice here, the nut sack’s not Nerf. Take it from Mr. Whipple, Don’t squeeze the Charmin!
Think Globally (major nationwide television networks) and Act Locally (The Medium).
Mr. Whipple
C: Jay, I think it’s time to take the toilet paper and wrap up this piece of shit. Shall we explain the menorahs?
Send articles to tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com
Day of the Urinal, February 20, 2002 to the honut dwelling on the 9th floor of easton ave. apts.: this is your fair and final warning that the next time we meet, your heazy will be entered, and in a most unrelenting, unnatural, and disturbing way. i also declare my heazy to be off-limits, and that any future attacks on it will bring you nothing but grief. don't mess with me, child. i have the power of the white horse on my side. fear me. (the power of the white horse? Are we in kindergarten or fairy-tale land? Actually I’m not interested in that. I want to know how to get a spot in those damn desirable apartments... ) ritch has a sub-average IQ (I
vote
yes.)
To all of you assholes who can't quite grasp the concept of letting people off of the bus before you block the door with your fat asses: next time I'm getting off the bus, and some moron starts getting on and blocks the door, and then stands there with a confused look of their face, like a deer caught in head lights, I'm going to kick him right in the fucking jaw. So, when you wake up in the gutter with my boot print on your face, hopefully, you will realize that you deserved it. Try to be less of a douche bag next time. To Dave... Why don't you stop being depressed and castrate yourself already. Love Ass Pound (Castration always kills the blues... I know that’s how I got rid of my depression!!) Were you expecting something funny? Well, you thought wrong. Go read the Caellian.
“Did she give you her peas?”
Personals
To BUTT SEX MATT. Give it to that girl that I was sitting next hot dog? up already. Love Anal to in the buss to college ave from busch with the bugged out To midterm exams: You stank eyes... oh my god.. I thought ass bitch, why do you have to you were gonna kill cum already? I wasn’t ready me... So close those or weiner? yet. Go away until I want you- fucking eyes. love. puto never! Why do you even have (hey! You’re making fun to exist??? Ugh. Such an im- of me! Are my eyes sprinkler fitters are not (shaving your balls could bugged out?) lazy, they are hard make them hide forever.) perfect world... grrrrrrrrrr... that working except for bruce to that demarest pervert: ok to the fucking psych dept: why To the homophobic Kevin, (why do we care about sprinmaybe we all masturbate.. but did you send so many How do you think you are gowe usually all close our blinds emails to everyone that ing to be a psychologist if you kler fitters? what the hell is a sprinkler fitter? go figure) when we live on the first floor isn’t a psych major?? can't stand fags? Get real! Most of your patients will be right by the stoop and front To the blond Russian girl in my closeted homos married to door. try shutting the blinds you MTH Asset Pricing class, nice women and plenty of conflicts! fuckin tiny dicked moron... And they will surely try to suck job of showing off that blue to the boy on the other side of thong on Valentines Day. Too your sweet cock as well! Wake the stoop... open your blinds bad your too fat to make it look up or you be unemployed... when you j.o. please good and too stupid to realize Sweet kisses from a secret that the entire class, including (maybe he’s trying to have admirer. the professor was blinded by a public show or something. In any case (How can anyone not that nasty sight. You are the next time this kid be able to stand epitomy of a dumb-blond is j.o.ing again, fags? Fags are send him to the the fucking (dumb girls always seem to medium, world! It’s have their thongs riding up their ass - doesn’t it hurt??) cause I want all about to watch, or the JEEP did you have an obsessive you Liberty crush on that emo cashier that cou<3 worked at the SAC all last ld <3 year? i did! well he's in a really just French-Canadians really popular emo Thursday kick him in and all that band so even thought he graduNeed a place to take a piss? the groyummy ated you can come to the show in. I Come to our meeting and piss on us good- and pretend he is selling like a ness, so you condoms just like last year. Livingston Student Center kick in the don’t diss the if you go take me! i dont have TONIGHT at 9:00 nuts better, myself. homos.) a ride to get to south amboy Room 113 Too bad I don’t have any!) 2-22... email me: please give me her peas!! www.themedium.net kkxTh08901@hotmail.com to that fucking idiot who wrote To that guy in my MTh 6th hor- To that amazingly scowly bitch and we'll go stalk the ryan beckman article in last mones and behavior class on with the red hair in Classical steve... together :P busch. You fuckin look like week’s issue, don’t you know German Film --- STOP to martin: I can’t tell you why I anything? zeta psi is nothing full Conan O'Brian. Oh my god. LOOKING SO FUCKING dreamt about you, but I did of closet homos and flamboy- you look like fucking Conan UGLY! No one cares about and I can’t explain it! So let it ant fags, the only thing you got O'Brian for real, bitch. Stop your fucking neurosurgery, so be and eat some corn. from the right in that shitty article was looking like Conan o'brien. shut the hell up about it. If you girl that lives down the road. that they give good rim jobs. (Conan is the man, what is give me a dirty look one more hugs and kisses - kip wrong with looking like a time I'll give you something (oh baby. I dream about you (damn frat fags, they all give ghostly white Irish?) to cry about. Then we too Marty - mmm whipped cry together. cream and chocolate syrup..) good rim & blow jobs.) secret message: send personals can does anyone want to volunteer information on why the fucking buses take so fucking long to get from destination to destination? It’s fucking cold outside and I think my balls have hidden for the entire winter and haven’t dare come out yet!
W A N T E D
RUTGERS MONSTROSITY: COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT AT LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 113
Need to try something new? Try masturbating with a cucumber It’s refreshing-HEALTHY it closely resembles & FEELS like a PENIS! So next time you’re @ the market GO 4 the Veggie!
is that a cucumber in his pants or a big cock? You tell me guy whose pee pee is in those pants... though it too closely resembles the veggie.
W E T T E D
HEY WET BOY: SEND US SOME PERSONALS TO UNIBUTT@MAD.SCIENTIST.COM
Personals
“Me, Monica Lewinsky, Calvin Klein, and that model with the big cock.”
To that guy Sitting in the round so there i was in the cac comp. table at brower wearing a dark lab for my 8th hour of typing green shirt with the number when i had to pee. so i went three on it. Oh my shit-eating- into the bathroom and there hindu god!! you are so fucking was something on the hot. You were sitting with a wall like “will pay to jerk you bunch of wrestlers. You left off in stall #2” and me not havwearing a red and black jacket. ing a job and really lonely went I wanna face fuck you and cum to check it out. no one was in your mouth.. then I will suck there, so i the cum out of your mouth and started jerking off anyway. spit it out on your THEN someone came in and ass hole so I can use it as lu- knocked on the door. it brication when I fuck you. was this big scary guy. he Then I will cum in your ass and unzipped his pants and suck the cum out of your ass said “do it” and i did.. he came and spit it back out into on my pants. and then i gave your mouth. I will then pour in him $20. now im poor and i some HERSHE’S chocolate think i was scammed syrup and make you gargle it so you can make (Down $20 and cum-stained chocolate cum before you pants. That’s when you know swallow my shit you’ve had a fantastic week.) infested man goo. My god.. that’s what other hot guys do to hot ass guys like you. Anyway I hope I gave you a boner with that. And that goes out to all you other rutgers studs. Keep beattin’ in. Love Ass Slap. (Mm... chocolate cumshake.) As the personal secretary, booking agent, and overall coconspirer of Patrick, legendary hero of the EE, it is my sworn duty to inform you of the following. Patrick extends a hearty “NA-BI-SCO! (ding!)” to all of you who miss him, even those sorry, sorry creatures who felt the need to plaster the walls of the Douglass Campus center with annoying little notes about his obvious sex appeal. LJX is not just a person, He wishes to share with it’s a way of life. you the fact that he left Acad(Says you, woman.) emy of his own free will, much to the dismay of his former hey.. my name’s Tommy, i just employers. He is currently turned 18 and i’m pissed off munching on the yummy grass cause all my friends are getting of greener, more lucrative pas- laid and i can’t find one chick tures. However, he “really does who will fuck me or suck my miss most of you.” Rarely has cock, SO I FUCKED MY he been this much of a SISTER.. she didn’t like it, but celebrity. Further inquiries I LOVED it..so much that i to see can be posted in future Me- went Ryan Beckman certainly dium personals, to which www.members.geocities sucks, doesn’t he? my partner-in-crime, Patrick, .com.howard.k2x.com/forg2 and I will most surely (dad’s away on business but is (Yes.) back in a day or so) and she If I have to read one more lame respond. Copy that, Tito. was pretty horny and didn’t ass, incoherent fucking per- (Call me crazy, but I like mind sucking my cock and the sonal I will fuck start somebod- Hydrox better than Oreo.) best part was...i know my mom ies god damn head, until they Where are all the girls looking really loves me cause she love me. And to all the homos for big dick to rest assure on. SWALLOWED EVERY who badmouth their roomates pass them all to me and i will LAST DROP OF MY in a paper instead of to their see them through. i will settle WARM CUM. IT was the best face. I will treat you like my all desires. Winny fun... fuck my friends i dont bitch and have you walking when will you idiots learn to need regular chicks..come inaround campus with a tear send mail from your side and see the video i taped staind face and bleachy breath. eden account. get it right or of it www.members.geocities. CRINKLE, CRINKLE. pay the fucking price. com.howard.k2x.com/forg2/ Love, Mike Tyson (I’m the EiC and I can type anywhere I want!) Matt, would you please plow my roommate’s tight little virgin pie hole because all he can think of is your Catholic church! (Mr Plow, that’s my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.) Mike from the German class... The only thing I can think of is me scratching your hairy lower back while i swallow your polish cock. And i know you would like my cock too! hehehehehe With lust... see you ; ) To Tim from my expos class... You are such a stud. Stop missing class because you are my e y e - c a n d y . The only reason I go to class is to look at you and fantasize about your big cock sliding down my throat. Love, cocksucker. (Somebody called me a cocksucker last week, but I think it’s only because I sucked his cock. Eep.) Anonymus713: I am sorry people think you are the direct connect whore. I don’t. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, now go kick LJX’s ass. Tell him I said you could. — l a y m i l . If that made no sense to you: FIND OUT ABOUT DIRECT CONNECT YOU STUPID FUCK to the nasty guy and girl who thought that last semesters music 101 class was a cheap hotel room - you are both nasty as hell. girl, you are fat and gross and you smell like dead fish. and for the dude, your greasy cratered face is one that only your obese girlfriend could love. everytime you made out in class, i wanted to vomit all over myself and then eat the vomit and crap it out all over your faces. i just peed my p a n t s . (Cheap hotel rooms aren’t big enough for these fatsos.)
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
to the annoying bitch in my politics of environmental issues recitation, my roomate and i both agree that you are the stupidest fucking excuse for a donkey. I hope to one day lead you around, strapped to the back of a EE, swinging you in the path of any form of eminent danger that comes in my way. The more you talk about trees and how you love to lodge them in your vagina, the more i want to scrape your face against the side of Hickman Hall. that wouldn’t be as rude a gesture as the way you act in class. Die for your own sake, please! (Put a tree in your butt. Put me in your butt.)
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS
To that disgusting whore in my calc 152 mon. and wed. 4:30 in engineering B-120. What the fuck is your problem? Why can’t you wear shoes? You look like one of those vegetarian types from Cook so you need to be careful with bare feet. Cook is close to Douglass and you will step on all those stupid chalk sayings the fucking dykes put all over the ground when they are looking for something to do instead of shaving thier legs. Even if you step on the chalk, it does not kill all of the cheese on your feet. I know this because you sit in the middle of the lecture hall and put your dirty feet on the chairs in every row around you. The poor chinese kid in front of you passed out from the smell and will now be beaten by his father for failing calc. I can smell them as well. I wasn’t in lecture last wed. but i could still smell them. ! You have more shit between your toes than most elephants. And stop having conversations with the faggot next to you. He looks at your toes and fantasizes that they are ten little penises waiting for him to suck. Put some fucking shoes on, and squat on a fire hose so I don’t have to experience any more smells of any kind eminating from your vegetable-farming body. (There’s few things in this world more pleasurable than Allen Iverson owes me $1, i a good toe-fucking.) bet on the SIXERS & THEY LOST to the WNBA like To all the fine ass woman Knicks. I will fucking kill him working at the Douglass and break his legs for that $1. convience store. GOD, Also if you I wish I weren’t such a live in NJ and like the loser so I could ask Knicks and not the NETs one of you beautiful women go nail your sack or rack to the out. GOD I SUCK!! door. -Renobguy <Not dicks you Homos> (As a Sixers fan, I can tell you (Um, should I be the one to that AI owes you tell this guy that every girl on nothing, except for maybe Douglass likes women? I a good cocksmack.) think its something he should learn from experience.) To that dumbass girl with the lite blue head bandin meterology tues 7-8. You stupid bitch you know you told the entire class that you are too ugly to be a TV weatherperson. Learn to think before you open your big mouth. And to all you other cats throwin’ shots at Jigga, you only get half a bar, fuck y’all niggaz. (Okay.) listen to the indians talk.
Kill Whitey... At a Medium meeting!!!
Tonight, 9:00, LSC 113
www dot the medium dot net
“I’m rolling a big donut and a snake’s wearing a vest.”
Wednesday, February 20, 2002 This goes to that hot guy on college ave that is very tan. He is always bronzed and has spiky hair. I want to say that you make me very hard every time i see you around campus and in the gym. I just want to lick all over your hot toned body. You have a blond girlfriend... but you look very gay, that green shirt you have is fitted and so gay looking... you should dump her and take me on a date. FUN! find me.. hehe Hey MASSSTADON. What do you want? Yep. Hey. Fuzz? What about it? You don't say. That's still not a very nice thing to say. This is exhausting. You find it necessary to keep talking like that? You love me? (Oh, God damn you SmarterChild, I will get my revenge on you yet.) awesome... i was at that show. that was when geoff was flatened under all of his emo brat fans right? quick question.. what do you people do at the medium? i am interested in helping out with the damn paper... thanks for the reply... ciao, al. p.s.its new brunswick.. that band is only separated by everyone at RU by 3 degrees of separation tops.. (You are friends with a big huge moron.) To that hot guy that sits next to my beautiful friend Liz in Honors American Lit Survey, right now I’m in the computer lab, getting ready to go to your room, and getting ready to make out with you. having a thomas jefferson poster in your room is not cool, though. if you want me to have sex with you, get rid of that immediately. the sooner the better. well, see you soon, honey! love, E (does not stand for erica, maybe) psdon’t like me too much! To that conceited fucker Martin, why don’t you not spend like 3 hours agonizing over what picture you want to use for your gay little gay thing with your gay friend and the gay thing. leave choosing whatever picture is least ugly to the professionals and quit touching my penis when i sit near you. (To that I say in a screechy, horrible, unlistenable voice: “Maaaaaaaarrrrrrrrtiiiinnnnnnnnn”) Cowboy Beebop is almost over. weep all ye mortals for our lives are now emptied and our hearts are heavy with... i dunno, i lost it. anyway, its a sad sad day. woo woo for spike
This personal is for the lousy, inconsiderate, Jesus fucking Christians that raid the Livingston Student Center every sunday morning and leave the back rooms a fucking mess. You may think it’s all well and good to leave a fucking mess to all us lesser beings aka nonchristians, but it’s not. Every sunday night, I am responsible for cleaning those same back rooms, picking up your trash and other fecal matter that those bratty sunday school children leave behind. You all better ascend to Heaven really quick because when come to the Student Center next sunday morning, I’m going to beat the soul out of every single one of you, personally. Well, gotta go, talk to you righteous slaves later. Love, mr. angel (Maybe you can tell them a joke using the punchline “Ass Wednesday”) haaaaa! oh jocelyn, it’s good to hear your voice again jocelyn, i’ve missed your little strut. truly, i enjoyed that. Dear Erica, I love you. Let’s get wasted this weekend and make out. Love, Liz.
Dear English Department-You are cordially invited to eat my anus, all men, all women, and all children. After eating my anus I will then fuck you all in the asses for making Expository Writing a mandatory class. There will be no reach-around, and no lubricants, your asses will feel the pain that I and other students feel while in the joke of a class they call Expos 101. (Stop writing about fucking expos you stupid fucking asshole. Send me something interesting next time. I love you.) Dear Richard, you are a huge fat man. why can’t you do your job? What did you do to your pants? The angel of death can not be the excuse for every hole in your pants or life. I hate I wish I could have an angel of death excuse. When our parents get married and we live toghether it can be so much fun sharing clothes. You would be allowed to wear my underwear if you wore any at all. Have a nice night. YOu’ll be here til the sun rises anyway.
Exhibit Q: a scale model of the entire mall! X marks the scene of the crime. These arrows show the exact position of the sun during the moment of the crime. jupiter was aligned with pluto, the moon was in the sun... it’s like we’re trying to unravel a big cable-knit sweater, and someone keeps knitting, and knitting, and knitting, and knitting, personal of the ten bucks says this was written by a douglass dyke yo, this is for all the bitches out there givin women a bad name. im sick and tired of being associated with you. if one more bitch calls me wailin cause her man didnt say exactly what she wanted him to or didnt remember your 3 1/2 week anniversary i will shoot you on sight. for once in your life stop cryin over stupid shit that doesnt matter. you all are high maintenance, demanding, whiny, premadonna, self absorbed, vicious, back stabbin,shit talkin, dumb bitches. i am a woman and i am proud to be one and my timbs dont make me any less of one, if you think they do you will taste them. just bring it. dont whine about how men got it good and life is unfair, if you are mistreated it is because of your own stupidity. dont expect anyone to do anything for you, learn to do shit yourself. if you want a man, go for him, fuck him and shut the fuck up about it, just cause he nailed you does not obligate him to love you or go shopping with you or remember your name. thats all fucking is, its not making love so cut the bullshit. if you get offended when someone calls you a ho, stop runnin around in a ho’s uniform and dont come to first period dressed like you are goin to a club, that shows where your priorities are and they are not on studyin. if you dont wanna be considered dumb, get the word ‘like’ out of your lexicon and get something worthwhile to talk about besides yourself for fuck’s sake. stop using the word ‘hottie’and talking about guys all the time in general, its annoying and learn to drink without makin an ass out of yourself please. and if you are brought to orgasm by buying a new pair of pants die please, painfully, or at least dont breed. i mean, like, oh my god! (Frankly, I’m terrified.)
Personals
to that kid with messy hair that does not sit next to me in the computer lab: why did you think I wrote about you? It wasn’t about you, it was about the really messy haired kid that actually does sit next to me, Im sorry I hurt your feelings, i didn’t mean it, did you cry because i was mean? i feel so Cayse, You will never love me terrible. please don’t hate but that won't stop me from people because of me, just hate dreaming about you, I don't them because they are know why you consider my stupid. love, me. butt different from any boy's butt. Let's go to the zoo and watch the monkey's do it then go back to my place. I'll put on some romantic music, i'll love you like a girl never loved a gay man. I will wear a strap on. I need you. -ERM i don't want to go home so I am going to hang around here til my eyes fall out I have an exam why don't I do my work anymore all I do is clean and braid my hair and love my american lit teacher. erica can't have him he is mine he is so cute I wrote the turtles for him.
To the cute girl in the cordouroy Delias jacket-- I have a huge crush on that other hot girl in our class--you know that brilliant one in the front center- but I will settle for you since she doesn't want to look at my pictures. You are not too old for me, my mind has the wisdom of a 52 year old. is that old enough for you? Do you want to make out with me? You are very exciting and rambunctious. are you like that with your clothes off as well? Please give me your love.
( a s s h o l e ) To Billy- Hello my love. That 4-way we had this weekend was hotter than hot. I hope you enjoyed it as much as i did. In fact, I’m enjoying just thinking about it right now. See you tomorrow (in bed). -Fartypants (You will experience great things <in bed> I like Chinese.) Why do I have to bleed for five weeks... (Because I want to have sex with you sometime.)
(Once upon a time, there was a 52-year old man, and he turned into a beautiful my dad, anally raped my sister, and we all lived in gayness.) dear liz, i want to give you an aural exam. that’s right, an AURAL exam. my brother al- I look like a fucking blueready did? that’s hot. b e r r y ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Is there anything better than being sandwiched by the Olsen twins? No, of course not. But a close second is sending personals to :
unibutt@mad.scientist.com And make sure you send them from your eden account, because if you don’t, we won’t pass along your phone number to Mary-Kate and Ashley. Not good times, bad times.
What’s Shakin’
“Sorry for the raspberry puke on the front lawn”
NYC EVENTS Wed 2/20 Fu Manchu Bowery Ballroom Wed 2/20 Michelle Branch Irving Plaza Wed 2/20 Milemarker Brownies Thu 2/21 Onesidezero Roseland Thu 2/21 Soil Roseland Thu 2/21 Soulfly Roseland Thu 2/21 Static-X Roseland Fri 2/22 “Tibet House Benefit Concert” Carnegie Hall Fri 2/22 The New Deal Bowery Ballroom Fri 2/22 Emily’s Bat Mitzvah C.B.G.B. Sat 2/23 Girls Against Boys Knitting Factory Sat 2/23 Tristeza Brownies Sat 2/23 Joan Baez Center For The Arts Staten Island,NY Sun 2/24 Sugarcult Irving Plaza Sun 2/24 Unwritten Law Irving Plaza Mon 2/25 “Scooby Doo In Stagefright - Live On Stage” Radio City Music Hall Tue 2/26 Indigo Girls Bowery Ballroom Tue 2/26 34 Satellite Mercury Lounge Tue 2/26 54-40 Mercury Lounge
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
So - everyone in the Olympics and the rest of the world was concerned with all that SkateGate crap - sorry, don’t we have REAL issues to deal with? They’re just Canadians, anyway...but listen - fuck the frail shit, have you ever seen this girl? She’s Surya Bonaly, and she don’t take no shit from nobody. She’ll kick your ass on and off the ice. She got a silver medal once and refused to put it on, because she knew she should have won. Hell, she’s mad anyway, seeing as though she probably had to get her brown leotard specially made. Keep it gully, Surya. That’s your Black History Profile from WS
Rupaul says: You betta WORK, bitch. Submit your events and random fabulosities to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com Support Black Journalism! - Come to a Medium Meeting Tonight at 9 PM - LSC room 113
Let There Be Rock!!! The Atomic Missiles MARK
Friday, Feb 22 Somerset Inn, on Hamilton St. in New Brunswick Free, doors open at 9:00. all ages! Saturday, Feb 23
Mohawk Barbie plays all your favorite punk rock originals and covers - same place, same time, same price
Locally Yours.... Jazz n’ Java by DBSC Friday, Feb. 22 8pm, Brew-Ha-Ha’s in the Douglass College Center Poetry, Music, Spoken Word Get there early, it’s guaranteed to be PACKED!
Fri 2/22
Barbuda and Rane Harvest Moon Fri 2/22 Piebald Krome Fri 2/22 Thursday Krome Sat 2/23 Creed Continental Airlines Arena Sat 2/23 Brimstones Court Tavern Tue 2/26 Abandoned Pools Birch Hill Nite Club Tue 2/26 Flickerstick Birch Hill Nite Club