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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXIX - Issue I2
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RU BASKETBALL TICKETS PRICES TO BE LOWERED TO BOOST ATTENDENCE NEW PRICE TO BE -$10.00 CAL EN STAFF WRITER
With attendance at Rutgers Basketball games at an all-time low, school and athletics officials are looking for new ways to bring in a crowd. After discounting means deemed “too difficult” such as being, you know, good, the team decided that a decrease in the price of tickets was in order.
According to a demographic test of attendance, 100% of the attendees were students. However, seeing that student tickets are free, the new price would have to be below free, a limit thought to be impassible. Like the sound barrier broken in the early days of the aeronauts, all this endeavour required was guts, patience, and the ingenuity. The first step was to engineer a means of lower-
ing the price of anything below zero, a feat that Einstein said was impossible. “According the theory of relativity, what we have done is supposed to be impossible,” said Jack Arginio, lead price engineer, “to break the zero limit on pricing, we should have either created an explosion of n-megaton power, or increased the mass of the stadium to beyond infinity.” “Thankfully none
of those things happened.” Added Arginio. By realizing that a basketball ticket was merely representative of something, and not a real tangible object, they were able to break the price barrier, because it only applies to objects that have mass. Because price physics is still a new field of science, the exact reasoning is still disputed. In fact, some theologians have declared
the pricing to be an act of God, or Cthulu. Either way, now that pricing for basketball game tickets is so low, people are bound to start pouring into the stadium, thirsting for a good match. “We have not spared any expense in an attempt to make you people come to one of our games and see how awesome we are” said Coach Hill, “please come watch us.”
TARGUM’S “COMIC PAGE SHITTIFICATION” PROGRAM AHEAD OF SCHEDULE
RUTGERS NEWS QUICKIES
found in that stall, you were looking forward to some funny comics weren’t you? You were pleased to see Chemical Corporation something or another replaced by another shitty comic, which at least had some good art. “Eh,” you thought, “anything’s better than that piece of garbage.” That, however, was when you turned the page over and saw that Liquid Kids Classics was replaced by what appears to be the mad scribblings of an autistic toddler. This is the feeling that the Targum’s
• McCormick gives up on attempting to even seem plausible, “I’m just doing it for the LULZ” he says.
CAL EN STAFF WRITER
With the recent removal of “Liquid Kids Classics” from the Targum’s frequented Diversions page, the transition from readable page to page of mindnumbing shit is well on its way. While most newspapers strive to improve the content held within, the Targum continues its proud history of becoming worse with each passing semester. The first day of this spring semester, when you pulled open that Targum you
management is happily trying to create over and over again with its newly announced Shittification program. Next up is replacing Bizarro with either Family Circus or another Pop Culture Shock Therapy. After that Dilbert, Doonesbury, Get Fuzzy, Non Sequitur, and Peanuts are going to be replaced by tripe like Mutts and For Better Or For Worse. After that glorious moment, any remnants of quality will be stricken from the paper, to be replaced with mediocrity and downright God-awfulness.
• That dude sitting on the bus with a bookbag over the seat next to him while the bus is totally full is, according to recent reports, a total asshole. •
According to recent polls: that TA really does hate you.
• Despite being one of the few edible things remaining at the dining halls, eyewitnesses claim samosas are still served quite rarely. • New Study: showing up for class and napping does not differ from staying in your dorm and napping, despite popular belief. •
Sudoku half finished, left behind in lecture hall.
• Officials: glass missing from bus-stops was sold to pay for new stadium upgrade • It’s official: popping your collar actually makes you look like a giant tool
“The Medium: NSFW since 1978”
RUTGERS NEWS
THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
“It’s like Jack Frost ejaculated in my face.”
Kraft changes Mac n’ Cheese to Macaroni Including Cheese NIGS MCFINKLETON STAFF WRITER
In order to quench the thirst of, and take advantage of the more refined palette of most citizens of these United States, Kraft has put forth their latest food brand: Macaroni Including Cheese. This exquisite protrusion into the fine food market is expected to grow Kraft’s business ventures by leaps accompanied by bounds. The epicurial delight will come in sizes of 2 Oz, 16 Oz or 14 Oz (which is accompanied by an additional 2 Oz.) Those with exquisite taste and are also utilizing that Oh So Delightful girdle will be able to purchase the 0 Oz dining option. At the soiree for the unveiling of this dining masterpiece, many Gin’s, with Tonic also
in the glass, were had. At the afterparty, many high society executives partook in sampling of women devoted to the selling of their bodies. And many movies with tits, and co-starring... ass were viewed, for viewing pleasure. However, Kraft is not quite in the clear. It has stuck it’s proverbial neck into the midst of a battle between the other fine dining juggernauts; Chef Boy’ardee, and Mac & Donalds. Macaroni Including Cheese is expected to give some very forcible competition to Chef Boyardee’s long standing “Burly and Brawny Powerful Gladiator Linguni-o’s.” Even more pissed off is Mac & Donalds, whose feathers are thoroughly ruffled due to this business encroachment. Their brand new concoctional
creation: The “McFois Grois Happy Meal,” which was supposed to appeal to all the progeny of the refined persons of the world, now facing what appears to be sluggish sales, as customers are slowing purchases of other brands in anticipation for the new Macaroni Including Cheese meal from Kraft. Despite this, Kraft is expecting a fierce battle of brand supremacy in this lucrative market, due to this, the company is unveiling an extensive and, what some have deemed disturbing advertisement campaign. “McFois Grois is actually horse testicles,” says a narrator while a video of horses being castrated plays, “do you like eating horse testicles?” Most readers polled do not, in fact, like horse testicles.
Bob Marley is Resurrected Smokes a bowl, performs benefit concert, then goes back to crypt “until next time.” After the recipients were determined to be the all the poor people in Africa, a stage was set TRENCHTOWN - World- up in the middle of Trenchtown renown reggae performer, Bob and a time for the concert was set Marley, was apparently resurrect- for the concert to begin: 1 hour. ed last Tuesday, at approximately In the span of one hour, 79 3 PM. His first act as a member million people somehow found of the living was apparently to their way to the makeshift consmoke what was, according to cert-ground, and proceeded to all eyewitnesses “the hugest bowl pass the same “massive” blunt ever.” around. After being seemingly reDuring the festivities of vitalized by such a huge fucking the concert, which only lasted two hit, Marley went straight to plan- hours but was declared by eyening a concert to benefit “anyones witness to have “lasted as long as that needs the money, man.” time, man.” CAL EN STAFF WRITER
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Rutgers News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Cover by: ME! IT WAS ME!
Something! Seriously! It’s f’real! Go ahead and check!
Photo credit: Pablo Jose The prototype box for Kraft’s new Macaroni Including Cheese food product.
After the concert finished, Marley walked off the stage after graciously thanking his fans and began to walk back to the graveyard he was buried. “I ran up to him, trying to stop him, make him come back,” said concert-goer Sandy Morgan, “but he just looked into my eyes and said ‘No woman, nuh cry.’ and continued walking. I suddenly understood at that very moment what it all meant.” After the concert finished, Ja-
maica was suddenly stricken with a disturbing snack-food and Phish record shortage. Officials were too busy “chillin’ out” to be reached. The event was declared by Rastafarians the world over as evidence of the healing power of Rastafarianism. In the aftermath of the incident, Jamaica’s tourist-reliant economy quintupled and all the poor people in Africa became rich enough to move to America, where it doesn’t suck ass.
WEATHER OR NOT Today Tonight
Cold as shit Colder than shit (whatever that is)
Thursday WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Supersex Fantastic Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Horton Al P. Barbara Reed
Friday Do you know? Cuz I don’t
?
Personals Editors Corey Fineman Ryan Barton Photographer Helen Ortiz What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Alison Fisher Advertising Manager Gary Klimowicz Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to giving your boyfriend a roadjob... in the backseat while his mom drives you to go see Enchanted.
Wednesday, Febuary 13th, 2008
FEATURES
“ualuelaelaellalea, alsualsualualauusualulus ,,,alsualsualualauusualulus ...Chacarron, Chacarron, aliluliron,”
THE MEDIUM
The real story behind St. Valentine’s Day
Tommorow is St. Valentine’s Day, the day where men buy chocolates and roses for their girlfriends, or they get whipped by their girlfriends for not getting anything. Did you know however, that back in the day, in ancient Roman society, that on Valentines day it was the men who whipped the girls. No really, they did, and not only because the woman did not pull through on some stupid tradition. The women would even line up and get naked in anticipation of getting whipped. For what event. Lupercalia that is. All of the following is 100% true, unlike that thing and how Rutgtetrs can come up with $102,000,000.00 without making any cuts in the academic department. This was all even taken directly off of Wikipedia. Don’t believe me. Well then send me an email at FEATURES@THEMEDIUM.NET. Or come to one of our meetings every Wednesday at 9:00 P.M in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center.
BY MAXIMUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS (doused in blood and carrying a whip which is made from the same material as his loin cloth. Goat skin. Hell’s yeah, ladies you know you want some of this.
What does that advertisement have to do with the article, nothing. That is so you all can’t say “oh you guys were recruiting, I didn’t know that.” Romulus and Remus suckling on a a shewolf. Romulus and Remus got in a a little sibling fight over a few birds, which ended up in Romulus killing Remus in an act of patricide. That, or Remus was acting like a jackass which made Romulus put him in his place. Yes they were supposed to be “new borns” and yet both are able to turn their heads upward and one is kneeling. One might ask how they are able to do that. Well Romans were assholes and always liked to show that they were superpeople and would try to pull off crap like this just to prove how bad-ass they are. Is it really any wonder that all those barbarians descended on Rome and pillaged them dry. The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into “Wolf Festival.” The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (one of the seven Roman hills), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring. The Lupercal cave, which had fallen into a state of decay, was rebuilt by Augustus; the celebration of the festival had been maintained, as we know from the famous occurrence of it in 44 BC. A highly decorated cavern 50 feet below Augustus’ palace in the correct approximate location was discovered by archeologists in October 2007, that may prove to be the Lupercal cave when analyzed. The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the “brothers of the wolf (lupus)”, a corporation of priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin, whose institution is attributed either to the Arcadian Evander, or to Romulus and Remus. The Luperci were divided into two collegia, called Quinctiliani and Fabiani, from the gens Quinctilia (or Quinctia) viz. gens Fabia; at the head of each of these colleges was a magister. In 44 BC. a third college, Luperci Julii, was instituted in honor of Julius Caesar, the first magister of which was Mark Anthony. In imperial times the members were usually of equestrian standing. The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.
If you be wondering, that dude at the top, standing on the cloud with rays of light eminating from him that has little horns on his head andgoat legs is probably the god Pan. What he has to do with all of this I have no idea. The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the walls of the old Palatine city, the line of which was marked with stones, with the thongs in their hands in two bands, striking the people who crowded near. Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. This tradition itself may survive (Christianised, and shifted to Spring) in certain ritual Easter Monday whippings. The days when guys didn’t even need an excuse to go around and whip girls. The days when women wold get naked for us to whip them. And we didn’t even to ask, they’d just line up for us. Well now fellow men, One can only hope...
Wednesday, February 13, 2007
ARTS “ Monkeys are living in my Butt.�
Vuluptuous Valentine Picture Hunt
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OPINIONS “Are you guys in the Medium? The Review hates your guts.�
0-% 1&01-& "5 365(&34 #Z %JSL %JHHMFS Why the fuck are you trying to get your degree at age 60? Go fuck yourself. What good is it going to do you? What are you going to fucking solve the world’s energy crisis or bring peace to the Middle East? No. You are going to graduate, fucking do NOTHING, and rot. No one is going to give a job to someone who is going to die in a few years. Stop rambling about your cats, go home, and have your daughter change your adult diaper. You stink. Literally and figuratively. But more so literally. Honestly, some of these alleged “students� are older than the professor. Why the hell is some 80 year-old sitting in a room of people who are 1⠄4 his age? I’ll tell you why. The only logical reason is to see if his dick twitches when these young, hot, and able sluts walk into class. Ladies, don’t lie. You definitely are able and young. Ok so “hot is an exaggeration. Let’s not forget this is Rutgers. Why are these fuck-
Wednesday, February 13th 7002
ing dinosaurs trying to connect with normal-aged college students? I had this crazy woman ask me what my favorite movie was. Before I could even answer, she started screaming about *Gone With the Wind* as being the best movie of all time. Seriously, that movie sucked and it would have been better if that one chick had AIDS. If anything, that WAS a fantastic comedic role for that fat black chick who played the maid. I mean, I thought it was pretty funny movie. In conclusion, either shut the hell up and sit there like a normal human being or get out of class. Actually, in conclusion my dick is so big that I should just work in porno. You deal with these Charleston dancing motherfuckers.
)JMMBSZ $MJOUPO *T TIF SFBMMZ B 8PNBO #Z .$ +J[[Z Last night, I read to vote for them, whether it a news article about Hill- be lower taxes or universal ary Clinton that had a large healthcare or the systematic photo-montage of her life. rape of a weaker country. These pictures revealed a Hillary Clinton is no differstartling truth to me, Hillary ent. Clinton is a MAN!! Hillary Clinton Usually, as women age, they start cutting their hair shorter and start looking more and more manly, but this is not the case with Hillary Clinton! Even the photos of “her� as a child show a person in pants with short hair. If “she� was really a “she�, wouldn’t someone, somewhere, be able to find a picture of “her� in a dress? But alas, not a single picture of her like this exists! The truth is, that ever since childhood, Hillary Clinton has know that “she� wanted to be president. Every person that runs for president #BMMT has an angle to get people 1BOUT
Reference Guide
“She� decided that “she� must do something no one has ever tried. “Her� campaign slogan is, “Vote for me! I am a womyn!� This is truly an original ploy to gain votes. Then again, Obama is pretending to be black, so maybe making ridiculous statements will win them votes... I mean, it worked for the retarded clown in power now, George W. Bush, so it could work for them... (Editor’s Note: Hmm, this is a very large awkward space which requires a long editors not, but I’m not gonna do it
so there.)
Virginia is for Lovers, or so you thought: By: Supersex Fantastic Valentine’s Day is an interesting holiday for Americans, one that is always sure to generate a variety of mixed and suppressed emotions. Typically it’s the day when y our boyfriend is supposed to buy you flowers, chocolate, or some other God awful piece of fluff or plastic that’s doomed to rot in the bottom of your dresser and/or car’s trunk. Girlfriends are then traditionally supposed to appreciate their boyfriend’s pathetic romantic gestures, and put out in some way or another. Well I’m tired of the same-old Valentine’s Day dynamics and I want to shake it up,
and for the sake of your cultural and spiritual growth. I think you should too. And please don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those sad and lonely individuals who despise people for having puppy-love relationships— although I do role my eyes and throw up in my mouth from time to time. I’m just tired of the same old shit. Instead of getting something from a boyfriend this year, I want to get some from a girl this year. No more boring roses, or dreary pieces of candy polluting my personal space—no sir, just me and one of my unsuspecting friends-turnedrandom-hook-up enjoying
each other’s “personal spaces.� And how am I going to pull this off so quickly with V-day being just a few days away? Well, I figure that it will be easy to prey upon one of my single friends who might be feeling sort of lonely. I’ll swoop down, make her feel special, and—voila—like the talons of a bald eagle, I shall have her tightly within my grasp of lesbian tendencies. I will prey upon her vulnerability like a ravenous hound, and transform her sadness into sensuous waves of inescapable pleasure. Yes, this Valentine’s Day will be different, and I think all women should
DYKE! follow my lead in “shaking up� the orthodox of Cupid’s holiday. They should take the first empowering steps by coming to 439 RSC on Monday at 6 O’clock, and joining the Op/Ed writer for some one-on-one women’s anatomy appreciation theory. Yeah Virginia may be for Lovers, but my personal residence will be for women lovers only. Tax, Title, Licensing fees extra. $1,119 due at signing. Offer only valid for well qualified buyers.
Yum yum. I love lesbian articles. Send your forays into lesbian bliss to: opinions @ themedium .net (Bitch)
THE MEDIUM Prof K, your voice is too soothing. Can you please read me bedtime stories? I think it would be way more effective than NyQuil. Chicago-man: Kick the fucking smoking habit. You smell like a taxi-drivers asshole. Hey Review: I’m sorry to break up your scene convention that you and your immidiete friends only read, but I got some fucking word to do. GTFO I am sick a fucking tired of being in school. People are aren’t in school are fucking lucky. Sure they have bills and shit to pay, but at least they have a job. On weekends they can just sit around on their fucking asses and watch Office Space on Comedy Central all day long. Fuck college. Get me the fuck out of here. (I’ll let you in on a little secret: once you graduate, you’ll realize that there are no jobs available. So you’ll be able to sit on your ass at home and watch shit on TV all day long while holding your degree. That’s why people say, “stay in school as long as you can.”)
PERSONALS “This fucking wind blows, no pun intended.” A-Tizzle, thanks to you I have boxes of Ritz Bitz (both kinds) and Oreos in my room. The only think I learned in your econ class is how delicious Nabisco products are. Fear my Rock Band vocal abilities. Well...with the exception of Learn to Fly where I was an octive too high. My bad everyone. I duno what you did over winter break, but Jesus fucking Christ, you look fucking COKED OUT I’m with
gonna high
4 you, confidence
I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about all these people complain about what a pain in the ass iClickers are. Jesus christ, it’s a fucking button. We engineers have been using that shit since freshman year. Be lucky you all didn’t have to deal with PRS transmitters. Now THAT was something to complain about.
Dear Busch Dining Hall Lady: I’ve never seen anyone so pissed at spilled gravy. You’re like the Soup Nazi of clean counters. Chill out, that why you have a rag. You and the swipe lady need a foot rub and to just kick back and relax. Hey Bard, this is a personal for you. Thank you for sharing the joy of The Medium at La Salle. I love you, no homo. I hate to break it to ya, but everyones assumption is no “huge” secret. If thats a secret, then you got some dumb friends. Come get me when you’re having a baby.
I don’t know what it is about hamburgers from fast food places, but I can’t do it anymore. After eating a chicken sandwich, I have no desire to eat anything else afterwards. I started to eat a jr. bacon cheeseburger and now I feel like shit. Dining Hall Mascot (The good thing about was quoted as saying, iClickers are that you can “Om Nom Nom Nom” bring you and your friends clickers to class and hide From SEC-208: Some guys them in your backpack. Their like eating pussy. Some signal is strong enough to chicks like sucking dick. Me, go through it...or so I hear. I just want to put my dick I has a big screen tv. Go go academic integrity!!) between some TITTIES!! Noooo they be stealYou look like a man I ing my big screen tv! To the Indian fellow in my Calc class: it makes me hap- could be a best friend with. I write personals because py to see a Medium reader my postsecrets that I within arms reach. Great Job! send in never get posted. The moderator doesn’t But what about the hoes? think I’m emo enough. Hey! Who needs da hoes! (This personal was sent in When I get older, I want with a crying baby post- to be a gas station attencard. If you’re more cre- dant. Then after I work ative maybe the guy at there for a while, I want to postsecret will put you on.) go on Ninja Warrior and LMAO!!!! Go to youtube compete in my clothing. and look up Tralier Park I’ll be a friggen legend. hilarious! Yeah, upscale macaroni and cheese is funny, but didn’t (Dude, what did I say last Mitch Hedberg make the time? Don’t bring it over joke that, “Fettuchini Alfrehere to the states. Thanks do is macaroni and cheese for actually following up is for adults.” Sorry Peej though. I’m glad to hear that you took the paper with you.) You. Yes you, reading this Hey the Core, that room is right now. I have a homework rightfully ours. I pissed on assignment for you. Submit that chair in the back wall, so something to personals. It it’s clearly marked as mine. makes life so much easier. You want it? You’re gonna And it will get in. You can have to soak out the piss, even say “ass” and it will drink it, then re-pee on it as get printed. In fact, nothing yours. There can only be one. would make me happier than having to print 20 personals Yo you guys suck at Gold- that just say “ass” and then eneye. Seriously, I’m too a line below it. If you have l337 for yall. Or should it fingers, please submit it to be l007? Either way, I win. personals@themedium.net. Boys,
Wednesday, February 13th 2008
Go Giants! Fuck you Editor, your page was wrong. (Yeah, well, most of America and I were pretty confident in the Pats. I thought it was a pretty safe bet, but, oh well.) Hey CK, this one goes out to you: Swing, swing, swing From the tangles of My heart is crushed By a former love Can you help me find a way To carry on again? Also, this is for you: the music is loud the kids are so young all over the world they wanna have fun the music is so loud it drowns out the talkall over the world just give us more rokk. Have fun getting those stuck in your head. To get more naked than a stripper, do you have to skin yourself? (Why don’t you ask Buffalo Bill? He would know more than anyone. Then again he did strip with clothes on, and he would be dancing in someone else’s skin.) When you say next door, do you mean Chili’s or Flingers? Flingers.
Yo dude. You don’t have to knock on the door every time you leave the room. I’m not some sort of sex-depraved weirdo who cranks one out every time I have a minute to myself. When you go to class, thats my happy time, not while you’re taking a shit or using the microwave. Right now I have to get home and do some 3v3 arenas. I’m holding Krawn and Jothax up. I feel like such an asshole. Whatever, homework isn’t as important as s3 gear. Am I right or am I right? (You may have 350+ resilience, but I can still kick the shit out of you in real life.) Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover”. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Al? I’m sorry about that. If I had known it was ok to just call you by thr letters in your name I knew I would have. (Thank god that the strike is over with. I need the rest of those episodes to run.)
fucking
Hey all you lovers out there, don’t forget to wear protection tomorrow! Does this heart surgery picture get your flood flowing, or does it gross you out. Tell us your reaction on Wednesday at 9pm in the Livingston Student Center, 113. We’ll be there with open arms and open hearts. Is anyone else like me that when they get off the train from free NJ Transit week at New Brunswick, they just want to start an “R!!! U!!!” Chant going? The little paws go run run I don’t care what his run run run. Then she gets real name is, I’m still off and goes Cronchhh! calling him a. buffalo! I went to the dentist and the dentist said my gums look irritated. No shit! Your assistant just had her way with them with a metal hook.
Last Monday was like black people penis, way too long, dark, and at the end of the day, after it was all said and done, really gross and wet. (Jesus Christ Babycakes! That was god-fucking-aweful. That’ll do pig. That’ll do.)
The circuit panel in the upstairs mens bathroom in the College Ave Student Center looks like it was ripped down. I guess some idiot thought he could go around the door with the lock on it. Idiot. Usually I can’t piss in urinals; I get stage freight. But this weekend, I had a few drinks in New York and I had to take a leak at Penn Station. I thought I was faced with a problem since all of the stalls were used and my only choice was to pee in a urinal. Luckily for me, I was able to pee, since I was relaxed due to the alcohol. The answer is clear: become an alcoholic so I can pee freely in public places. (Yeah but peeing freely in public places tends to fall under public urination and public intoxication. Otherwise, it’s a foolproof plan.) Again, be careful, use protection, and don’t have pity sex.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
PERSONALS “Metropolis Zone is Satan incarnate.”
To the smelly skanky ugly ass Guido girl in my intro to philosophy class we all know that you suck the professors cock for good grades. We can see the professors huge cum shots on the back of your dirty fucking pants. WHORE! What’s with the pink bisqwik biscuits in the dining hall? Did someone get their period in the batter? To Kay, you are a fat piece of shit douche bag who can’t do anything correctly. I hope you coacad (choke on a cock and die!) Thank god both my parents were lazy fucks who didn’t make me do jack shit as a kid- I grew up an irreverent heathen who scorned sports and my parents didn’t give a shit about my grades. And now look at me: I’m the editor in chief of The Medium. SLUUUUUTS ever fart and then you feel ashamed of your heritage? To the owner of the car in Birchwood Terrace that has been beeping periodically for the past hour: turn off your motion sensor. I bet it was your car that went off for two hours that one time at 3am. Oh, there it goes again... (I would like to take the time to give a big FUCK YOU to whomever was repeatedly locking their car with that irritating “chuk chuk” noise for a full fucking HOUR monday morning at about 9 am in the Nicholas parking lot on Cook. If I find out who you are, you’re dead.) I think I hear Ryan!! Nah... it was just some Purto Rican whore....
Bill, your cock is small and so is your wallet. But still it’s better then taking a deep dicking from a smelly indian guy who has all his parents money in the world. To John Cena, thanks for single-handedly ruining wrestling for me. You can’t see me? Well guess what j-ass, you can’t entertain me. You can’t wrestle for jack shit, I could wrestle a fucking tree and still put on a better match than any you have ever done. I’d rather slam my dick in a door than watch your same old “overcoming the odds” routine week in and week out. Stop sucking Vince McMahon’s nort and get the fuck off my TV screen you roided up cunt rag. ive been larping with with girlfriend and she leveled up with another mage without me. now my staff doesn’t have enough magic points for her love c a v e
Gremlin, zombie, or leper dog? Send your ugly dog pics to PERSONALS@THEMEDIUM.NET Scariest dog photo receives a free Medium shirt!
To those drunk bitches Friday night: why the fuck would anyone want to see Calvin Klein model dudes in The Medium? If you want to see that kindergarten (Maybe it’s because porno go pick up a cosmo of your shameful gas- you dumb slut. How about trointestinal woes.) you send pics of your titTo my good homie Nick I ties and we’ll make a trade. told you I’d give you a shout When you have something out and here it is all up in- more intelligent to say, then and throw whatever else you I’ll maybe think about it. want in there. <33333333333 (Calvin Klein models? luv ya honey bunny What the fuck is wrong with that cunt? That’s the most Dear diary, I’m not a slut. retarded thing I’ve ever (Dear you, who the heard. Go fuck yourself.) fuck are you kidding?) Dead pancreas found in my Hot damn Valentines day, apartment this morning, I I need me some condoms, had a pretty wild party last a baguette, and some ol- night, but I didn’t know it was ive oil, nothing like a ba- that wild. Whoever’s it is, guette up the butt honey! please come get it. It’s gross I saw Dave Attell on Sun- and I don’t want to touch it. day night. Whoopie, who FUCK YOU UGGS, FUCK gives a shit, he looks like DAMN SHIT!! DIE! a skeevy ass crackhead and is a drunken mess. Man do I love borscht enemas. it used to be a smart board, now it’s a dumb board Dear strange comic in NYC
Will everyone please stop leaving their cum and pancreases at my super awe- To Kay, fuck you you asssome parties ? Thanks hole. You’re a useless (Pfft, like you have super piece of shit who isn’t awesome parties. LIES. even worth shooting a If they were super awe- load on. I’d rather shoot some I’d hear about them on my hand and have to and you’d have pics to wipe it off then blow my prove it for my section.) jizz in your genital direction. I wonder what CORNY JOKE FUN TIME. would happen if they had Why did the priest go to jail? on you the biggest losHe had an alterca- er, since you’re a huce tion with a churchgoer. fucking loser douchebag L U L Z ! ! 1 slunt (slunt = slut + cunt)
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last night- you really wanted me to shave your balls and give you a blow job in the restaurant. Sorry, but I don’t do slobs. Your friend with the snake eyes tattooed on his dick was a better choice, though he was bald and had missing teeth hey kids, its me sonic! I love chili dogs, and turf ferretts (What is
a
the turf
hell ferret?)
Chinese Crested Hairless dogs are probably the ugliest fucks I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was left in the oven a little too long, a little too crispy for my taste. Dear diary of the dead, I killed some people today, ate their brains, turned them into zombies too, I’m just sitting at home right now, watching jeopardy, I’ll probably do the same tomorrow. Damn I’m good.
Colin, you sing like an angel. But you play guitar like a demon. (Stop fucking around with all those guitar hero games and just learn to play guitar already, jeez Colin! It’s more satisfying. Plus you can get chicks who are pixelated.) CHACARRON MACARRON FTW!11 Look up the video with the ugliest dog, nothing like a rotting zombie leper gremlin dog to whet your palatte for Brower, hmmm delicious! Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside!
(Sounds like you’re not one of those Resident Evil zombies, I have a hunch they’d be more into Silence of the Lambs...or Saw...) FUCK YOU. Why send me To that girl running down a retarded email whining college avenue on Sun- about your fucking position, day night: I tried to stalk when it is your fault that you you but you ran too damn didn’t show up. So because fast... slow down next you angered me, i do not time so I can catch you. wish to see your stupid face at the meeting tonight. I told (Maybe if you weren’t the lazy you to figure shit out and ass zombie from above...) have you get back to me. Dear video games, you have you’re really annoying.This ruined my life. You taught is stupid and you’re a whiny me things such as how to bitch. Grow up you pussy. consume my enemies to gain do you think when rich their abilities, what is the people tell knock knock best way to slash my sword jokes they say “knock to get a critical hit, or how knock! jeeves, someto fight an intergalactic war body’s is at the joke with three different species. door. answer it please. You have taken all of my time and lowered my GPA. the perfect wedding proBut I just can’t quit you. posal: prepare the perfect (Laaame, old joke. Try to dinner, sprinkle it with be more timely, that’s what laxatives, put some chabeing funny is all about.) blis on ice in the toilet bowl, then put the ring I don’t like those lines on the toilet paper roll.
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EVENTS & SHIT
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
“Chacarron Macarron”
YouTube Video of The Week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l12Csc_lW0Q
Upcoming Events That You Aren’t Going To ON CAMPUS • Being Missionaries at Rutgers - Wednesday, February 13, 2008 6:30 PM - 7:30 PM, Trinity House Hey aren’t these the people that destroyed native cultures all over the world? Yep, they are. • Raw Milk Wars, Government’s Attempt to Dictate - Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:00 PM Marine Sciences Building The sequel, The Government Attemping to Dictate Strikes Back, was waaayy better.
OFF CAMPUS • Will Ferrell’s Funny or Die Comedy Tour February 24, 2008 8pm at Radio City Music Hall I am totally going to this. Then I am going to jizz. Then I am going to die. • 132nd Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show February 11-12, 2008 Madison Square Garden Ever cyber with someone then you find out its a dog on the other computer? • The Cure June 21, 2008 at Radio City Music Hall Being goth and wearing makeup when your nearing 50 is still waayy cool.
PAST EVENT HIGHLIGHTS
Late last month, if you looked up in the sky, there was a pretty damn good chance you would spot Greg Schiano whistfully zooming out and about the clouds, dropping candy and other treats t lucky onlooking youngsters. The marketing device known as the “Scarlet Star Shooter Rocket Belt”, has helped attract many talented high school football players to Rutgers University.
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