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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XV
Brower Swipe Left in Dorm, Student Bummed New Brunswick, NJ– School of Arts and Sciences Freshman Jack Conner was “bummed” when he was forced to use his RUID number to access Brower dining hall yesterday. “This really fucking sucks because I had to use one of my guest meals in order to get in,” said Conner while he was standing in the sandwich line. “I need those guest meals for when my girlfriend comes down from her school and we go on dates. Worst fucking day ever.” Conner went on a tangent for another 30 minutes about how life is totally unfair and how this kind of shit always happens to him. In other news, twelve New Brunswick residents were evicted after they couldn’t afford rent.
Student Gets Hit by Bus, Updates Facebook After New Brunswick, NJ– In a horrific turn of events yesterday, a Rutgers sophomore identified only as “Bharat Mohan” bled to death after being hit by a rogue bus. Although some experts agreed that he should have died on the spot in front of Scott Hall, his body was discovered fourteen minutes after the incident in front of his computer, where he had recently updated his Facebook status. “It was really scary, you know, [this Indian kid] dying and stuff,” remarked the student liaison of the Winkler residence hall, who elected to remain unnamed. “The second I saw his status update I called the police.” Police on the scene followed a trail of bodily fluids to the second floor suite of the late Mr. Mohan and discovered him slumped over his newly bloodstained MacBook. He had just responded to a comment.
February 11th, 2009
50¢
Cook/Douglass Post Office Workers Miraculously Do Work BY ANGRY BEAVER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Rutgers University Post Office workers located at the Cook Campus actually did work yesterday in a move students called “surprising.” After a whole week of circle-jerking each other in the main office also located at the Cook Campus, the workers looked at one another and decided the mail should be delivered soon otherwise the students picketing outside were going to storm the building and stop the gay fetish party. ”What the fuck? The wireless router I ordered a month ago had ‘delivered’ status for the past two weeks. I’m going to take an exhibitionists’ shit on the next Mail worker I see,” Mason Gross sophomore Jane Moore said with an angry grimace on her face.
The students have been participating in civil disobedience for the past three years outside of the building in protest to their school tuition going to waste by lining the pockets of lazy Rutgers staffers. “We uh, work quite hard to meet the needs of the students. Bob Glasequitoecki over here answers phones 3 times a day. Sometime he is inspired to answer 4, but union contacts stop him from exerting himself. Phone calls can cause calluses, ya know,” said a University official, who wishes to remain anonymous because remembering his or her name requires work. Due to budget cuts, Rutgers had to shut down some of the campus mail offices and fire actual workers who did work. This caused anger amongst the students who have to wait for Rutgers staff to process their shit, which sometimes takes weeks, months, or sometimes just a whole weekend.
“Lulls. I bribe the workers at the post office with cupcakes. I gave the ugly-ass woman 20 bucks and cupcakes last Christmas. I get lots of mail in and she always makes sure I have my shit immediately,” said an anonymous student who is the administrator for what C/D denizens call “the champagne room” of file sharing. “Students do not want to have to bribe officials for them to do their goddamn work,” said protestor I.P. Freely. “Seriously, we’re going to probably do nothing, but man we’re pissed about it! A lot of these University institutions have no accountability. We give them our money and they just piss all over it. There’s no way for us to make sure everyone does their jobs right. So, we’re just going to sit there in front of that building and participate in our drum circles and just be pissed,” said Freely, before passing the joint.
Frat Brothers Can’t Decide on 7 or 8 Kegs for Tomorrow’s Party BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- The brothers at Epsilon Kappa Beta house were up in arms Tuesday night when the topic of tomorrow night’s party came up over the din of Madden ’09. Citing a need to “totally get my drink on,” frat brother Two-Gun advocated that the brothers purchase 8 kegs of Natural Ice beer for consumption by house members and party attendees at a cost of $295.92 USD which boils down to about $18.50 per brother in the house. “No fucking way, bro!”
countered fellow housemate GreatFull. “That shit is mad expensive. Listen dude, lets just get 7 kegs and raise our ratio from 4-1 to 7-1 at the door!” After some more heated debate on the floor, Too-Quick offered a new perspective on the issue at hand. “Yo dudes, seriously, we just need to get chicks mad drunk which means that we need more kegs. In these unfortunate economic times, we need to stimulate the economy by providing a source of funds for workers in one of the more profitable industry sectors. Oh, fuck!
Shotty on next game, bro!” After another hour of discussion, the bro-mies of Ep-Beta agreed that raising the girl-guy ratio would in fact turn away prospective hot girls under 120 lbs. while inflating the amount of horny inflated girls exponentially. A vote was taken in the moments after the Oakland Raiders beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 78-62 and it was 10-6 in favor of 8 kegs. The party will be at 11pm Thursday night and a ratio of 4-1 will be enacted at the door by Sweet-Love. Jungle juice will be available to the first 16 horniest chicks in the door.
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