02/11/04

IN THIS WEEKS MEDIUM: WATCH AS WE BEAT OURSELVES WITH STICKS FOR OUR SINS!!

The Medium OPINIONS

“Happy Birthday, Asshole!”

Hey everyone, it’s Valentines Day! Have lots of sex, or be really depressed!

By Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief

Note: This EiC box is also 311 words.

By Aija McKenzie Opinons Editress

If reading the cover didn’t clue you in on the fact that this is a themed issue, then Happy Valentine’s Day from the staff of the Medium. I could go out on a limb and wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day from my staff, being I am the Editor-in-Chief of this wonderful paper. I’m not exactly sure if you know what I mean by “meeting my staff” or a “Happy Valentine’s Day from my staff.” If you still haven’t gotten the innuendo, forget it.

February means a few things; Valentine’s Day and the chances of a 29th day a Leap Year. Yeah, there are a ton of more things that could happen in February but none as important as Valentine’s Day. Valentines Day is an opportunity to surprise someone you’ve got secret feelings for - or a way to show someone who you do care about that you really do care about them by buying them jewelry, flowers, chocolate and even more, just because commercial America says you should. After all, you don’t want to be a douche bag and lose someone that could be important to you. On the flip side if you don’t care about the person you’re with, don’t waste your time and money. We’re all college students, not many of us have much money at all, so why spend $50 on flowers when it could be on alcohol, pornography or strippers. I’m not saying that Valentines Day is unimportant; I’m saying take time to think about the value of the relationship for you.

Much has happened in the just opened bottle of Gentlemen’s Jack that we call the year of 2004. I’m sure we’ve got a bunch more fun in store for the rest of 2004.

Valentine’s day: Just like your period... Red, expensive, and a pain in

By Aggressive Diva #1 the ass Oh Lord, it is here again. Damn valentines day and all its pinkness.

Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate as much as the next person, but do we really need a holiday that consumes Rite Aid to the point that there are damn gorillas in every aisle singing “I got you babe?” Some people would say that I am bitter because I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t think so, only because I have had a boyfriend during valentines day and I still hated it. The entire holiday is pointless. Its only real purpose is to make it okay for us to eat an entire box of chocolate and not feel nasty/guilty the next day. Oh, and I love how boys think they can buy you a gift one day out the year and forget romantic gestures the other 364. Yes, that is a classic. Now, aside from the ridiculous and ludacris (Sorry, didn’t have the heart to correct the spelling on that one - Ops. Ed.) sentimental value of Valentines Day (which is love and don’t even get me started on that) why is it so visual? Red is my second favorite color but I don’t want to see it every damn where. I really don’t, it makes my eyes hurt. And what is the deal with the flowers and the balloons?

There already isn’t enough space on buses without you carrying your balloons and flowers around all day to show all of RU that someone loves you. My mom buys me underwear because she loves me and wants me to have lots of it but I don’t go around showing people my underwear do I? (Unless it’s a weekend in which case the world will see them j/k) But thank god valentines day is on a Saturday this year and we do not have to deal with that nonsense. Because I will pop your balloons if you have them flying all up in my face. But it really is women who make V-day into such a big deal. Most guys could care less. And it’s perfectly understandable. They don’t get why girls get all fussy about it and neither do I. It is absolutely ridiculous and it needs to stop. So this valentines day I will pretend like it is any other day and I will go to a frat party, drink some beer, and grind all up against some boy who has no idea what to do with my bootylicious ass.

And who ever doesn’t like it can send me a personal in The Medium (yesssssssss! Thanks for the plug, hon - Ops. Ed.) next week. Valentines day is bootleg and I will not condone this poor excuse for a Hallmark card.

Hugs Kisses Petting Fondling Necking MakinOut 3rd Base

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Z. Staff Artist

Oral Mutual Masturbation What’s Shakin

MEDIUM

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

V-Day 2004: Really?

eic@themedium.net

CONTENTS

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

Valentine’s day shouldn’t even be celebrated in college. This is the land of instant hookups and alcohol binges, and there’s little room for romance after you’ve puked in your hair and all down your tube top. It makes single people feel like romanticallydoomed pieces of crap (so then they go drink), it gives long distancerelationship people a chance to either feel all sad ‘cause they can’t be together (so they drink), or they meet up for the first time in months and confront the fact that they actually can’t stand each other (so they drink after they break up over dinner). In the “friends-with-benefits” department, Valentine’s Day will make one of them wonder why they’re just having meaningless, but excellent sex instead of a full-blown relationship. Then the other party, who’s fine with things the way they are, will have to be honest and say that she couldn’t bear the thought of kissing him on the mouth with the lights on, let alone introducing him to her friends and family. But that’s getting a little too specific, so let’s move on…

The only people walking around all bubbly and in love are those sheltered couples that have been monogamous since freshman year of high school (well, at least the guy’s been faithful). I won’t even say the couple’s happy, actually. The girl’s happy because she got the biggest, gayest teddy bear ever, flowers that’ll die in 4 days, and balloons with lies written all over them, like “I Love You.” Even though it takes all his willpower to deny the fact that she did all his buddies as well as his big brother, the guy shells out more than a hundred bucks on this girl in the hopes that she’ll take this special occasion to let him put it in her butt. Nope.

All in all, the only way I’ll be festive on this Valentine’s Day is by drinking vodka and red fruit punch, and wearing a pink Breasttacular shirt at the bar. Yes, breast-tacular. Use it in a sentence today.

The Medium Loves You. The Medium won’t stand you up or turn you down...at least not if you give us alcohol...Submit your shit to Opinions@themedium.net Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley Ned Berke Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Brian Dwane Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Brian Brzezinski Ryan Beckman Photographer Tristan Ross What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Michael Stanley Staff Artist Phil McCracken Senior Editor Ryan V. Beckman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to getting buck naked and having a freak party on the steps of Brower - Happy V-Day!

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

“booooooo-yaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Breasts, A Woman’s Shame. Why?

By Julius Johnson As most of us saw on Superbowl Sunday, Janet Jackson has some nice tits, well at least one of them.

Immediately after it happened their were calls to CBS to complain about the obscenity that some of America’s innocent children were just forced to see. My question is why are female breasts obscene? How many countless male “tits” and nipples have we seen on television?

Network television exposes the upper body of their male studs as if it were any other part of their body and therefore fair game. But when it comes to a woman’s upper body there is always that connotation of sex and shame that makes our society force woman to cover up and be ashamed. Isn’t this an obvious throw-back to the days of the Puritan, when practically everything about the female form was considered lewd, offensive, and even evil? How long will this oppressive double standard be tolerated in this country? I want the women reading this article to seriously ask yourselves “Why must I cover my chest when I’m on the beach or swimming, and why can I be arrested for indecent exposure if you go topless?” From the age of puberty when little girls start to sprout into little women they are giving training bras, which then graduate to full fledged bras. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that a lot of you actually need the support, but come on honestly, I have bigger tits than a lot of you. You small breasted ladies should also ask yourself “Why do I need a bra?”

And when you answer yourself, don’t settle for bullshit answers like “because, I just do,” or “Only dirty girls don’t wear bras.” You might also be tempted to answer “We need bras for the same reason guys need underwear.”

News flash ladies, we guys don’t need underwear (I thought they needed it to keep their jeans from getting skidmarks because they DON’T WIPE THEIR ASSES - Ops/Ed). I have tighty whities and briefs. The only reason I wear the tighty whities is to make sure that the erection that pops up about ten times a day stays hidden, and the only reason that I wear the briefs is to walk around half naked without offending anyone. Some of you may agree with me and others may think that its just bullshit, either way, I am curious. Write something back.

Love?

Anal?

Get what you pay for at tonight’s Medium Meeting, LSC 111, 9:15 PM

The Medium EDITORIALS

The New Inductee

By Ned Berke There it is, down the road, a yellow short bus is slowly making its way towards the red carpet. It has black, block letters emblazoned on the side, “Daily Targum Special Education Services.” An aide steps out first in order to help the mentally disabled children inside get out. First to come out is Targum editor in chief Chris Lang, a long, thin stream of drool pouring down his chin onto his shirt. Next is Tiffany LeBarbera, the one time Targum columnist who inspired this very special section of The Medium. She stumbles a little, trips and garbles a barely audible “Weee” before being caught by the aide. Third to come out is a very special University editor whose name I must withhold. Around her neck is an ivory, plastic satellite cone. She’s foaming at the mouth and one can see little bite marks all over her flesh. The bites go deep enough to draw blood. The crowd hushes. A silhouette appears in the doorway – this is what the crowd has been waiting for. The new inductee, who is it? A foot appears first. From the bony ankle sticking out of the sneakers adorned with neon green shoestrings and purple Teletubby clips, it’s clear it’s a girl.

On the second step, the foot misses the clearly marked stair and tumbles out of the bus onto her face. The crowd roars – it’s a good show. Grace Sica, a Targum staff writer peers up from the ground, her face caked with mud, and over the audience and to the balloons and banner above them.

“Targum Hall of Retards” the banner reads. A toothy grin stretches across her face. She doesn’t understand the words, but the balloons are pretty.

Last Thursday (2/5) Grace Sica’s byline appeared under an article entitled “Advertisements in The Medium raise questions for organizations.” It is about how student organizations shouldn’t advertise in The Medium because it supports our ‘offensive’ content. The article asserts that organizations that routinely advertise with us, particularly the Livingston College Governing Association, are violating some sort of moral standard for their support for us.

I must say, this article is an outstanding political move. It is no secret that The Daily Targum is regularly criticized on these pages – and often to extremes. A lesser-known fact, however, is that the Targum consistently lacks coverage of Livingston College news. The LCGA has repeatedly complained and criticized, and the college is the only college that refuses to pass the Targum referendum to put the Targum charge on their term bill (yes, you pay for it – and you can get it back – call their office to find out how). By attacking the LCGA for placing ads in the Medium, and including quotes contending that the GA’s lack the ‘pulse’ of the student body – an assertion made only by the same groups who condemn the Medium – the Targum scores a double-whammy.

They attempt to persuade potential advertisers away from the Medium, and also create negative criticism of the LCGA by questioning the relationship (or lack of, as they assert) between the LCGA and their constituents. Now, that’s my kind of vindictive!

First of all, let me address the claim that the LCGA, and to an extent the RCGA, doesn’t have the “pulse” of the Rutgers community. This idea seems to stem from the close-minded ignorance of those making the accusations – the paradoxical ‘tolerance by force’ groups such as the NAACP. It should be pointed out that these groups do not represent in any way a majority of even the minority students on campus. It has become abundantly clear to me that a majority of peoples of color on campus actually either support the Medium or just don’t care. The fascists decided that they are the pulse of the community.

If this were true, that would be a terrible thing. Not only would we have a bunch of closed-minded, intolerant Nazi’s as a student body, but our pulse would be quite high from too much fried chicken and malt liquor. It is these organizations that lack connection to the student body. I follow the proceedings of the LCGA and the RCGA and I can say with confidence that these groups, more than any, stand up for the concerns of the students. I can say with confidence that they routinely support the students’ interests and do what they can to promote them in the fetid bureaucracy that plagues this school. And I can confidently say shame on the Daily Targum for making any contrary assertion.

Now, the question still stands; should organizations advertise in the Medium? The Medium is read by over a quarter of the students at Rutgers.

We’re incredibly cheap, unlike the Targum, and we aren’t cluttered with ads for the most banal crap on earth (Do you suffer from depression? Come to our lab where we’ll poke you with a sharp stick to see what happens!) I think it’s a good deal, but if this doesn’t persuade you, I have a modest proposal. If you really think that our content is immoral, get rid of it. For every ad we print that is a whole lot of space that we cant put our ‘offensive’ content in. We print twelve pages weekly, so take out twelve pages of ads per week, and we’ll have no room to put pictures of midgets fucking and sucking on donkey dick. You win, we win – it’s a happy world.

Retor ts to

Retar ds

The Medium NEWS

“I think you’ll find that most everyone here is mad.”

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

Cupid Discontinues Arrows, Uses Roofies Instead

By: Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor

“One minute these girls were telling me how much Counter Strike sucked, but now it’s my lucky night. I r0x0r! Pwned!” quipped the computer geek.

In a move that shocked the world yesterday, Cupid, the beloved mascot of Valentine’s Day and Roman god, announced that he would shed his antiquated bow and arrows, and instead will spread love through the use of roofies. When reached for a comment, Cupid had this to state, “Well, it was tough to figure it out at first. The first couple of times, I would give both people roofies, and that just didn’t work. They’d just kinda drool on each other until they passed out.” (That’s kind of like sex with our EIC, now isn’t it? –GMG Ed.)

Upset After Recent Losses Dean Kidnaps Janet Jackson By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina Los Angeles – Howard Dean was mad after the loss of the Iowa caucus, he was irate after losing New Hampshire, but the loss of Maine was the final straw, Dean went more-nuts-than-usual and kidnapped recent media darling, Janet Jackson. The kidnapping occurred roughly at 6 PM Sunday night, just before the Grammys, Janet was sulking outside, mourning the loss of her performance therein, when

“So then I just started giving it to just one of them, like if a girl didn’t like or didn’t notice a guy, she’d get the roofie coolatta. It seems to have worked a lot better, people are a lot happier now. Well, one of them anyway.”

I asked Cupid what happened when the effects wore off. He told me that he “didn’t care, [I] have to bring love to the whole fucking planet.” Cupid then flew away, but not before giving me a delicious drink. I don’t remember what happened next, but when I woke up my ass really hurt.

Hi, I’m Jim. Please write me some News articles so I don’t have to stay up until 2 AM next Monday writing shit for your enjoyment. news@themedium.net

Hooked on Phonics Teams up with Rap Music to Teach the Urban Community to Read

By Bill O’ Reilly “I’m a mother-fuckin’ P-I-M-P!” “That spells pimp!” shouted seven-year-old “K-mart,” in response to one of the hooked on phonics rap songs.

“The system really seems to be working.

These little punks withtheir du rags, baggy pants, Tshirts, and socks won’t listen to anything except for rap music,which they follow blindly.”

“S-N double O-P D-O double G spells Snoop Dogg, Mrs. Johnson! The Dog is misspelled though, it only needs one G,” shouted an urban 8year-old named “skittles.”

The enthusiasm regarding the new hooked on phonics program, has led to a drastic rise in literacy rates within inner-city schools. (Article is continued on page 34)

Missy Elliott to Record Album in Klingon By the Volcano Worshipper

Dean popped out of a black car, grabbed her by the breast, threw her in the car, and drove off.

“He did this just for a little publicity, stupid liberal.” Commented Bill O’ Reilly. “He figured he could show decent hardworking American families he actually cares by removing this pornographer from our midst, before she could flash Joan Rivers, stupid liberal. The media are so unfair to me, stupid liberals.”

Authorities have searched high and low for Dean, but have found only John Kerry. Anyone with information on the kidnapping is asked to come forward by calling the Los Angeles Police Department at 619-747-4900.

Happy Valentine’s Day, you sick freak. Come to the Medium Meeting tonight 9:15 LSC111

Missy Elliott, one of the most innovative as well as prolific artists in pop music today, is already brainstorming her next release, merely months after the release of her fifth album, This Is Not A Test. Her next album will be rapped and sung entirely in Klingon, the language of the fictional characters from Star Trek.

Elliott explained in a recent interview that she and co-producer Timbaland had been watching old episodes of Star Trek, and were star-struck by the Klingons and their language. “Me and Timbaland was like, what better way to take it to the next level, than rapping in Klingon?” said Elliott. The duo are working with NASA to create a space shuttle with a built-in recording studio, so that the album can be recorded in outer space. The album’s first single will be “Get Ur Freak On: The Next Generation”, an updated version of Elliott’s 2001 hit, which will feature guest vocals from both Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner. The album is tentatively set for a November, 2004 release.

www.themedium.net

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

“’PC Load Letter’? What the fuck does that mean?”

The Notorious E.I.C. Hi, I’m Mike “Stainey” Stanley and I’m a junior majoring in Unfunny and Dance with a minor in making terribly timed obscure references. I plan to graduate as soon as possible, which could be in a year, but probably not very likely. This is my fourth semester being a writer for the Medium, and second semester as Editor-in-Chief.

It’s been the best part about being here at Rutgers – especially because of the perks such as getting into the Vanilla Ice concert after its been filled. The worst part about going to school here is tough to choose, so I’ll have to say it was getting the RU strand of herpes. I met her through the personals, who thought she’d be dirty? I realized that I made a mistake by coming to Rutgers when I saw my first Negro. My favorite movie is Cat in the Hat; it opened my eyes to the wonderful author Dr. Seuss, who has made me love reading once again. My favorite Medium cover is obviously not one of the many that I created, because well... they suck *Wink-wink* the strangest thing I’ve had sex with was a bologna and cheese sandwich, which I gave to my adorable little sister. Well, I gave her the bologna, but not the one from the sandwich *Winkwink*. My fondest memory is meeting President McCormick and him shaking my hand and saying, “Great job with the paper son, just don’t let anyone know I just said this to you.” Finally, I think Valentines Day is an excuse to spend a ton of money on my hand and be paid back with incredible mind-blowing hand-sex. And a time to make bad jokes, because I always do that! - half-penned by Ned Berke

Managing (N)Editor Hi, I’m Ned Berke and I’m a sophomore here at Rutgers College. I’m majoring in Astrophysics and minoring in Middle Eastern Studies (read: Terrorism). When I’m not going to class I’m busy masturbating to old issues of the Daily Targum. I’ve been part of the Medium since I first got here. I came to a meeting with my roommate - at the time Captain Calamity, an Emo/Punk-turned-republican. My favorite movie, hm.... to be honest it’s a tie between ‘From Justin to Kelly’ and ‘Black Spring Break’. I think the best thing about Rutgers is the superior reporting of hot issues by the campus newspaper, the Caellian. The worst thing about Rutgers is the fact that I’m in New Jersey. New Jersey sucks, but I realized I made a mistake by coming here when I found out that the Targum was assembled by a bunch of 5th graders high on pixie sticks. The strangest thing I’ve had sex with is a Cuban girlie’s taco before she stuffed it down her fat, unattractive, chubby face. My favorite Medium cover is the “Most offensive cover ever” with the 12-year-old girls pussy on it.

I’d have to say that my favorite McCormick memory is when I met him and he told me to call him Dick. Dick. I think Valentines Day is an awesome theme for an issue of The Medium – I’m lying. - as penned by Mike Stanley

Meet the Medium was assembled by: Michael Stanley and Dan Migliore

The Medium MEET US

Business Manager, GMG/Features Editor I’m Dan “Beerman” Migliore, a Rutgers College student majoring in Criminal Justice and minoring in Psychology. I’ll be leaving Rutgers sometime in 2005. I’ve been a staff member for about a year, and have held the GMG/Features position since Spring ’03. I’ve been holding the lotus position since about that time, too. The best movie ever made is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which will hold that title until they make a Family Guy movie. The best thing about Rutgers is the women, some of the most beautiful in the state. The worst thing about Rutgers is the dirty women, some of the most infected in the country. People often ask me, “When did you realize you made a mistake with coming to Rutgers?” That happened the other day, when I realized that my major requirements had changed, all without my knowledge.

The weirdest thing I’ve ever had sex with was a cake I later served to my neighbor who ratted me out to the cops. She loved the “cream filling”. My favorite Medium cover was the “Jesus fucking Christ” cover…that shit was classic. I became involved in the Medium because I’ve always loved reading it, and I wanted to give some small contribution to the Rutgers community. My Favorite McCormick memory was that time he and I got all crazy on crack cocaine and ether, then ran through a sorority house naked, wearing President Bush masks. I think Valentine’s Day is made up by corporate America to pad the accounts of Hallmark and Russell Stover. And to get me laid.

Senior Editor, Personals Editor # 1 Hi, my name is Ryan George Beckman, I’m a Rutgers College English major, Philosophy minor... I’ll never get a job but I graduate at the end of the semester. I’ve written for the paper since my first semester (3 and a half years ago... fall 2000).

My favorite movie is the one where Mike Stanley has sex with me... but I’m sure everyone said that so... I’ll go with The Shawshank Redemption. The best thing about Rutgers is that you never run out of things to hate about it.

The worst thing about Rutgers is liking it... but in the way you like people who you kill with rocks. I realized I made a mistake by coming to Rutgers when I met YOU. The best thing about Rutgers is “girls” and that means I’m saying that girls are just things. My favorite Medium cover would be Chris Taylor’s “I Love Cheese” cover because all the copies got stolen and nobody got the joke. The Medium was actually one of the reasons I came to RU. I figured a place that was open enough to have something like this must’ve been cool. I was wrong but... at least the people on the paper are open.

When it comes to memorable presidental boners, I’d say I’m a Fran man... so I’ll say the time McCormick got drunk and fought former RU president Fran Lawrence to the death in a toupee match.

I think valentines day is... sometime soon?

“Now I got a click but it’s more like a family, Not an ethnic trip more like an The Medium Wednesday February 11 ethic see” Meet the Medium

Opinions/Editorials Editor As you all prolly don’t know from my 15 minutes of fame on Channel 9 News, my name is Aija McKenzie and I do Opinions. I represent Douglass College ( D e e e e e e e e e e e e e Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!), I’m a bio major, and I’ll be finishing up in the fall of 2004. This is my fourth year on Staff. Currently, my favorite movie would have to be a tie between Teen Witch and Old School. The best thing about Rutgers is the Rutgers Women’s Rugby club. The worst thing about Rutgers is the fact that I can’t go to a Rutgers College gym without being a Fit-Card Bandit because I refuse to pay an extra ten bucks to get one. F that.

I realized I made a mistake coming to Rutgers when I figured out that I could have probably gotten a full scholarship to somewhere way cooler, like U of Hawaii. The weirdest thing I’ve ever had sex with would have to be a fellow Medium Editor. My favorite Medium cover would have to be the Jesus Fucking Christ cover, because it made so many people laugh and cry at the same time. I became involved with the Medium because I was bored, and now they won’t let me leave. Besides, if I did leave, all you’d have was a paper full of tits and frat-boy jokes, and I’m sure you don’t want that. My favorite McCormick memory would have to be when we got to sit down and talk to him about all this Medium drama - he’s so mini! I could put him in my pocket, he’s adorable! I just wanna lead him around on a Shetland Pony. I think Valentine’s Day is gonna be great this year because it’s Sara’s fucking birthday, and while you’re out spending too much money on crap because it’s painted red and pink, me and my friends are gonna drink enough to float empty bottles down Easton Avenue. AC4E.

News Editor 1. Name: Jim Cortina 2. College, Major/Minor, Year of Graduation: University College, English/ Classics, and Probably Never 3. Length of time on staff: I can never usually last more than three minutes on a staff before I blow my load 4. Favorite Movie: Dr Strangelove, or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb 5. The best thing about Rutgers is the dirty sluts that always miraculously FAIL to send us pictures of their breasts/other naughty bits to publish in The Medium.

6. The worst thing about Rutgers is herpes.

7. When did you realize you made a mistake with coming to Rutgers? When I had this girl’s ass in my face and she was screaming, “Eat this, or I’ll shit on your face!” It was then that I realized I was definitely in the wrong place, but at the right time.

8. Weirdest thing you’ve had sex with? Ned 9. Favorite Medium Cover: My cover that never was... The Rutgers Football one with the comic of people in dresses doing football training. It was going to be titled “R U prepared for another disappointing season?”

10. Why did you become involved with the Medium? I’m the romantic type, once you tie me up and force-feed me some roofies, I never leave.

11. Favorite McCormick memory: The time he and I got together and rubbed piss clams on our ass-y nipples.

th

, 2004

Arts

My name is Brian Dwane of Cook College, son of James Dwane of Kinnelon, NJ. I like tons of stuff. My favorite kind of music is probably new wave. If you are walking behind me, I will think you are following me. Don’t follow me.

Don’t ever follow me. My favorite movie is probably “She’s all that” because it teaches women that if they try hard enough they can be pretty and popular and that’s really all that matters. I think getting thrown out of a plane would SUCK! The best thing about Rutgers is the girls and the worst thing is that the girls don’t like me.

What I really don’t like is when I’m peeing in a urinal and someone pees next to me. It makes me uncomfortable. I can’t pee when I’m uncomfortable. Don’t pee next to me. I became involved in the medium last semester because I lost a bet. I’ve had sex before, but not with a woman per say, but I am definitely NOT a virgin! I think Valentine’s day is a great day because you can cuddle up with someone you love. XOXOXOXO Happy Valentine’s Day!

Personals Editor #2 Hi, I’m Brian Brzezinski, a Rutgers College student with no intentions of ever graduating. One strategy I use to avoid achievement is changing my major at the beginning of every semester. Last year I started attending the Medium meetings occasionally, learning about the paper and its creators.

The fall semester I started writing articles and becoming more involved, which led to my current position as personals editor. I’m supposed to include a favorite movie, but my indecisiveness and fear of commitment has led me to stray away from an answer. I like the movie Zoolander very much. The best thing about Rutgers is by far the massive amount of stuff you can do besides schoolwork, which also happens to be the worst thing about Rutgers for me. It took me until about Thanksgiving of freshman year to realize Rutgers was the worst mistake of my life.

The weirdest thing I’ve had sex with is pneumonia. My favorite Medium cover was the September 18, 2002 issue with the caption Hey Kids! I exist for people to poop in my mouth!, that caption migrated to many other places last year. I can’t really explain why I involved myself with the Medium, probably because I like to have 10,000+ people read my inside jokes and feel stupid because they have no clue what I’m talking about. My favorite McCormick memory is when he was giving the commencement speech and he fell off the stage onto some handicapped girl. Finally, I think Valentines Day is just an excuse for guys who are not romantic 365 days a year to feel like they are at least once. It’s a nice gesture I guess.

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

“I write the rhyme today tell it to you later, Whether were coming in wack or what it’s a waste to be a hater”

What’s Shakin’ / Staff Asian #1 1. Name: Laurence Cheng 2. College: Cook College, Major/Minor: Economics/EPIB, Year of Graduation: 2006 3. Length of Time on Staff: About a year and a half 4. Favorite Movie: Black to the Future 5. The best thing about Rutgers is asstacular bitches.

6. The worst thing about Rutgers is The Targum.

7. When did you realize you made a mistake with coming to Rutgers? After I got ticketed for jay walking.

8. Weirdest thing you’ve had sex with? A girl.... vaginas are weird.

9. Favorite Medium Cover: “Jesus Fucking Christ” or “Scott Bayo is a Pervert” 10. Why did you become involved with the Medium?

Someone mentioned dead babies.

11. Favorite McCormick memory: Taking money from the budget and funding his research in the pornographic arts.

12. I think Valentine’s Day is a corporate developed idea designed to suck even more money out of our pockets. A holiday in between Christmas and Easter where gift giving is needed.

13. In five years I will... still be at Rutgers

Staff Artist

The Medium MEET US

My name is Tristan Ross, and I am a University College student majoring in Financial Economics graduating at the conclusion of the Fall 2004 semester. Rutgers is grand because of the diversity on campus. If I want to poke fun at a specific division of society I am assured that somewhere in Rutgers, that minority is amongst the population. The worst thing is that the community of students as a whole lacks the ability to recognize humor and laugh at it. I have been a part of the Medium since Fall 2003 and this is currently my longest relationship with a non-animate object. This semester I am the Photography Editor, even though some may say I am the staff photographer, but all of them are fools. My involvement in the Medium came when I finally got the nuts to attend one of the meetings and I have not missed a meeting since.

In my mind I have ranked the “Jesus Fucking Christ” cover as my favorite. My favorite McCormick memory is by far the fatigue story because reading the Targum article on McCormick’s drinking escapades and then realizing there was something very badly hidden underneath the police proceedings was comedy which almost surpassed the media’s blind hand job the Medium received after its controversy in November. My thoughts on National Hallmark Awareness Day is that the commercialism can really take you a step back from what you should be really thinking about: Pizza and Sex.

Online Editor

1. Name: Chris Holt 2. College, Major/Minor, Year of Graduation: College of engineering, Psychology, ?? wtf, Psychology in Engineering?!

Greetings to all our faithful readers! I am...the pancake fiend. Im 3. Length of time on staff: 1 year, and I’m still ON THE STAFF actually a Livingston Junior 4. Favorite Movie: Amelie currently majoring in 5. The best thing about Rutgers is direct connect.

Communications and 6. The worst thing about minoring in Leadership...but Rutgers is the lack of will most likely flunk out of hunnies — if you want to school and become a prove this wrong please drunken bum because I send a personal to spend most of my free time personals@themedium.net drawing...which is why I am with a list of your dimensions, here at the Medium. Ive only been on staff for about 2 months...but they ethnic background, and have been a fantastic 2 months...from what I remember. My favorite estimated number of STDs/ movies are actually Jackie Chan’s Drunken Master and 12 Angry STIs. Men. Despite what people may think, the Medium staff is composed on 7. When did you realize you incredibly intelligent people. Its just when stupid people get mad at us made a mistake with coming that we have a problem. Rutgers has been okay to me, nothing to Rutgers? Every semester outstanding. Of course, when you mix McCormicks’ shananagins plus after I get my grades back. the airborne herpies I contracted when walking past the TKE house, it My friends take bets on how hasnt been all that fun. Plus the Targum has repeatedly rejected my many F’s or W’s I can get in comics, even though they are at least ten times better than that CRAP my time here at rutgers. they are running now...fuck you, Targum. Thankfully, the Medium 8. Weirdest thing you’ve had sex with? I had sex with this stuffed allowed me a chance to draw and be happy...while making fun of animal and then I gave it to a friend for her birthday, I’m not sure if people. That is why I totally enjoy working for the Medium. Before I sign she knows yet. off here, let me just remind our readers of two things. 1.)

9. Favorite Medium Cover: “One of these doesn’t belong”. (snow) Never...ever...EVER, associate, love, talk, make out with, consume, 10. Why did you become involved with the Medium? (B)ryan’s look at or BREATHE IN anything that has come from Wisconson. Not cock even the cheese. Wisconson = evil shit hole...trust me on this one. 2.)

11. Favorite McCormick memory: I believe this picture of me and The Medium is possibly the greatest oppurtunity to voice your opinion McCormick’s daughter is my favorite story. I don’t think I need to and exercise your right to free speech anywhere on this explain it any further. campus...beside writting something on the bathroom walls. So support 12. I think valentines day is a good time to pick up girls, and a the Medium...and your balls...if you have them. Oh yea! And...FUCK good time to buy $4 ANDRE champanska.

THE TARGUM.

The Medium

“Ninja, ninja, rap. Go ninja, go ninja, go. ”

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

GMG

The Life and Times of Raoul Dan Ocean Gate, Conclusion It was around 6 that I awoke, completely confused and covered in sand.

There was no place in the house one could go to escape the sand. It was everywhere, in the beds, on the floors, and even in the refrigerator. When you turned on the shower, before the water hit you, sand would come out.

But this morning there were bottle caps everywhere, and empty bottles stood as silent relics from a night of complete chemical induced insanity.

But the girls were nowhere to be found. I did, however, find a bent and charred spoon. What that was used for, I did not want to know.

But it was a beautiful morning, and I decided to have a walk along the beach, before the town awoke. My associate, Dr. Squid was up by that time, and he joined me.

The already warm morning sun had burned the dampness from the night before away, and the air was quite humid. But the sand on the beach was cool and slightly damp, a refreshing counterpart to the sun that beat down upon our necks. It was strange how the town had changed from overcast and rainy the night before, to warm and bright. It seemed to be a good omen, we decided as we walked. Now we could really begin what we had set out to do, relax in the way only two days of complete intoxication could provide.

Driving was not on our agenda, and so the Shark sat silently, patiently in the driveway, basking in the sun, and the Vet lay sleeping soundly, delaying a hangover that would be soon to come. But why waste the day sleeping? We should already be drunk. On the way home, it seemed like a good idea to borrow a “For Sale” sign we saw in front of a dilapidated ranch home.

Upon entering the house, we went into the Vet’s room, and with a cry of “This is a message from Don Corleone!” we slapped him upside his sleeping head with the sign. That ought to get him up, we thought.

After a few breakfast beers, we decided to see if the Great Red Shark would show us a little love and start up. But the car lay silent, offering no sign of life. We knew we had a problem. But was it really a problem? We had food, a house, and still had enough supplies (read: drugs and booze) for about two weeks. The only thing that would stop us was the jobs and lives we had back at home. We had people counting on us, waiting for our eventual return home. ...[T]he girls were The Vet had a relative in nowhere to be found. I the area, someone who knew about cars. We made the trek to did, however, find a bent his house, and letting ourselves and charred spoon. in, found no one at home. His boat was gone; he wouldn’t be back for a few hours. But the day had been dragging on, and we knew that we would have to return home the following morning.

It was time to reappraise the entire situation. We discussed it, and found it best to inform our families that we would be unable to return the following day. We placed the calls to make sure we would still have jobs when we returned home, and in the process, got ourselves two extra days to relax and enjoy the shore.

The Shark, we later found out, was suffering from a broken alternator, a problem we could not have fixed if we had weeks to try. And the fact that we tried to get it to run numerous times, one time even driving to a diner to eat, and then pushing the car about a mile back, did nothing to help the situation. We would have to wait two days before we could get someone to come and pick us up, and we were ready to ride that psychedelic wave to the bitter end.

On the second morning, it became apparent that we would not have enough booze to last until we left, and so we began to dig heavily into the house stash. In the end, we had demolished all that was there; like locusts swarming into a wheat field, we left nothing behind, except for some empty bottles and an air rifle.

And then, just as we came, it was time to leave. Our heads hurting, are noses clogged, we placed a call to get a ride home. The Great Red Shark would have to stay in Ocean Gate for repairs, as I had no AAA, and lacked the funds to get it towed home. But that was alright with me. It would just mean we would have to return to Ocean Gate again.

The “What Should We Do to Brian’s Bed Because He Goes Home Every Weekend?” Game By: The Lego Pirate Many television shows have featured segments in which the viewers of the program may be asked for suggestions concerning members of the show. For example, Tom Green polled viewers to decide where sidekick Glen Humplick would sleep that Wednesday night. In the same fashion I have thought up a way to allow you, the medium reader to interact with some of the staff. My roommate, Brian, one of the Personals editors, leaves for home most every weekend on Thursday nights and is absent until late on Sunday evenings. I would like you, the Medium reader who has an eye for creative ideas, to submit to me events and situations you would like to see take place on Brian’s bed.

Brian’s bed is very nice. His sheets and comforter are blue and he sleeps on two pillows, one red, another blue. I assured Brian that no damage would be done to his bed, after which he would neither not want to nor be able to sleep in his bed.

With only these two conditions in mind I would like you to submit ideas to me at legopirate@themedium.net.

Each Thursday I will choose the best idea of all the email submissions and make sure they are executed that weekend. Every Wednesday issue I will post a picture, or series of pictures documenting the weekend’s happenings and write a brief summary (or very large run-on caption) of the events that took place. Keep in mind that this weekend is Hallmark Awareness Day and ideas correlating to such a holiday may be appropriate. Have fun!

Always bored on Wednesday nights? Stop playing Russian Roulette in your dorm and come to a Medium Meeting. This and every Wednesday at 9:15 in LSC Room 111. Be there, or spin the chamber of a revolver and shoot yourself in the face.

Vanilla Ice Revealed!

An Interview by Dan Migliore, GMG/Features Editor Dan Migliore: So Vanilla Ice, congratulations on an excellent show tonight. How has music, and being a performer of music, affected your life, sweetheart?

Vanilla Ice: Well, music has always been... [pause] Wait...what did you call me?

DM: Oh, I shouldn’t call you sweetheart?

VI: No. DM: Pussycat?

VI: Definately not. Word to your mother.

DM: I don’t see what my mother has to do with this, sugartits.

VI: That’s it man, I’m outta here. Fuck you dude.

DM: Wait, Vanilla, how do you think your music has influenced children growing up at the time, wonderbuns?

VI: You get one more chance man. Word to your mother.

DM: Will you sing the “Ninja Rap” for me? I was dissappointed I didn’t get to hear it.

VI: Yo! it’s the green machine, gonna rock the town...

DM: Hahaha...you one hit wonder pussy.

At this point, Vanilla Ice and his entourage kicked the shit out of me. Interview over.

The Medium

Wednesday February 11th, 2004 “...making the first ammendment seem like a bad idea...” to the manly man in CAC com- I never thought head could be Feb 12 6:30pm at the To that kid in my Econo- PERSONALS puting center Monday night... i bad. But you proved me wrong Livingston Student Center- its metrics class MTh 2. Why READ THIS FUCKERS can't wait to scratch and sniff K-. What kind of restarted Letterbox with Def Leppard do you have to be so You seem to enjoy the perand Manowar.

It's so sick you like the giggling 9 year old bitch spits that shit all over the asian? sonals so why not send you are deep down. The bed? I had to put the sheets in there's gonna be a rock and roll (Wouldn’t it be so cool if there some in. Email them from michael jackson in me finds twice to get rid of all the quarantine! Free! was a super breed of asian any rutgers address to you irresistable. oooh baby cumstains. im just like the aborted fetus’ that could crank out math personals@themedium.net ooh baby. (those damn sloppy elemen- chuck, i too was not born yes- solutions while break danc- Just dont make them too ing and sketching anime? specific, instead just say (thank you, come over my tary school kids need to learn terday He’d be like the Michael Jor- fuck you to anyone who place and you can scratch somehow. next time, give http://www.lemonparty.org dan of Asia. We could call wants to be a lego pirate him an example of how it and sniff all night long) To all you Atkins diet fat when they grow up. Now its him Michaer Jodan.)

Today I saw a girl get dragged should be done first) motherfuckers- I can't wait to across college ave by her dog. vanilla ice sucked. i can’t be- eat a whole fucking pizza and To the metrosexual in my Af- your turn to give it a try!

It was great, thanks bitch, your lieve rcpc paid that asshole. a box of twinkies in front of rica class. You are so damn dear danielle, next time you try suffering made my day.

To my cunt ass sorority slut of you. Eat my carby ass, bitches. gay. Your "so-called" slut of a and make me hold your hand girlfriend definately cheated on i'm gonna handcuff you to my Her: i had a dream about you a roommate, shut the fuck up, to the fuckin asshole who lives you with the entire football bed. so stop trying to hold my no one gives as shit! If you ever last night in the north tower that has a team, while you were out buy- god damn hand. <3 ch tell one of your million pointMe: oh really?? girlfriend and likes to cheat on ing hair gel for 25 bucks a tube Her: it was halloween and we less stories and you for once fuck that, i want to handcuff her: You should seriously stop and some new shoes.GET A went to a party, you were aren't the main character, i you to my bed so i can take because you look like shrek LIFE, AND GROW A DICK! swear to god i'll cream my zorro. Then I made you a advantage of you. anyway, you and need a life that involves sandwich. It was pretty cool. fucking undies so hard it'll leak remember that time i dropped (I bet that one day that ussomething more productive out of my pants.

Oh, and next ing the word ‘metrosexual’ as my pizza on the ground and football player seeks equally than playing with yourself time you decide to drop the an insult will be just as gay then you left? i picked that shit masculine yet homosexual i eat babies eatbabies.com as actually being a up and ate it. i wrote a haiku male. must be flexible and will- cosby kids off, try flushing the (eating babies is sooo fucking toilet, no one wants to for you for valentines day: ‘metrosexual’.) ing to keep our relationship in the closet. respond through see them you disgusting dirty, september tenth) take a shit. seriously.

SWM seeking female compandirty girl. a dozen roses, personals (it makes you feel good) ion for extra curricular activisend pictures of boobs to and candy. all so i can (pay me 10 bucks and i’ll I can’t wait to go see that ties such as cuddling, watching stick it in your butt give you this fuckers real personals@themedium.net!!! band, The Darkness on movies, et ceterra.

If first one to send a million (picinfo, so much for the closet) (That was beautiful, and i tures, not million boobs) WINS interested,please contact me, Cook Campus! don’t mean it in that Christo the mother fucker next door my AIM screenname is (I’ll see you there.) to the squeaky hobag toucan tina Aguilera way with fags i am sick of hearin you and bisbers. Don’t be shy. and morpheusforget pong, Pleasure is making friends wet kissing each other and fat your friends cackle into the (someone befriend this loser chicks pretending they are with your joy juice. Ask wee early morning keepin me theres not enough beer in the so he stops bothering me) world to get someone fucked neighbors to join you in a bath hot.) up why do you think i bang on send me personals. come to of goat’s milk. Or give the wall so much you up enough to do you sometimes when i pee i try to meetings. dont be a dick.

To whomever thought Shaping everyone a cake made of your stop peeing in the middle of dumbasses heart, and laugh as they choke urination and it hurts. alot. to tillet: the coq au vin looked a Life was a good class must have been a minority or an ugly on your love. more like shriveled cock au (Next time you should try dovein. why don't you fucking white dyke. I think that class I had a banana, i named him ing the same thing while you stop getting food at the abor- was created for angry minori‘nana. Which doesnt make are defecating. After pinchtion clinic and start putting the ties, especially blacks, to comsense because he was ing off half a loaf move one money Rutgers raped me for plain about how rough life is Att: World of Insects MW4 stall over and then release and how there is so much Monday’s class had all the definately a ‘he-banana’. to good use the rest.) prejudice in the world. Get the makings of an HBO Comedy (I give names to all my fruit (those are premium fetus’ dont be a fucking racist fuck over it! And is life really special and yet i didn’t hear the on the way in and on the way they are serving, you should Dear Valentine's day- FUCK that hard? You fucking minori- roar of laughter I would ex- out.) be thankful you ungrateful YOU. Dear alcohol- thank you ties have more opportunities pect from a crowd of 500. The style of wearing your pants bastard.) for making my life bearable. than any white person because Sure, in most cases it is not ok really low and showing your Dear ugly kid at the partywww.lemonparty.org you are black and people just to laugh at a girl having a boxer briefs is no longer cool. touch my ass and die.

Dear Fat Jenny, I hate you. dont want to hear you bitch. siezure but for the sake of all The new hotness is unbutton(i think we all hate fat jennys, And why are you always pull- that is hilarious how could you ing your pants and unzipping you all know what i mean) ing out the race card? No one people not recognize the co- your fly and showing off your to the hospitals girls roommate, gives a crap about your ances- medic timing in that young fashionable boxers in the front. get off your board and get on tors being cotton pickers. woman’s seizure. The to the asians talking about your books and put yourself on People like you make me bit- proffessor says “The tree secret numbers and shit. die. ter that I go to the most cultur- cricket makes a ‘quacking’ the strange and ugly fishes to that fatty in economics class, ally diverse university. sound” and then this seizure is please stop sitting in the front, fuck you to everyone who rips I firmly belive in the qued at the exact moment with nobody wants to look at you, on caucasians. ive been to S.T.W.R.A.S. foundation the loud vocolization of not even the proffessor. caucasia. i went skiing there, (save the waves ride a surfer). ‘quaaaack.. .k.... .quaaack’. it was nice. not smelly and whats the difference between so will the super hot surfer boy And to top it all of the shitty like nigeria. jesus and a picture of jesus? i see saturday night get the hint proffessor unwittingly comit only takes one nail to hang HAPPY VALENTINES DAY and let me ride your board ments, “No, that’s not quite it.” the picture.

DEAR SWEET STEPHANIE That was hilarious people and fat people aren’t real people, u wanna hump?

I HOPE ONE DAY WE you should all have a good CAN BE TOGETHER. ON therefore they should not be thrity second laugh now in re- (hump n. A rounded mass or MY BED. MAKING SEX. allowed into classes with me. i membrance of how funny that protuberance, such as the hate having to look at their guts fleshy structure on the back (i hate assholes who use caps hanging out and them sweating was. lock. but not as much as i just from walking up the stairs. Love notes make me feel all of a camel or of some cattle.

No thanks.) hate assholes who dont send the other day one was out of squishy inside !

Chances are, shes all the in personals themselves to breath cause it had to raise its i thought you were cool but you ass you’ll be getting this no, sorry bitch, thats just your personals@themedium.net) hand to say something stupid arent. we wanna see your tits Valentines day period.

“It’s ok to eat children if you own them”

paul is dead

To Jason and Wendy,Happy 6 (you ever read My Brother months anniversary!

Sam is dead?)

(Yeah... happy anniversary...

To my asshole roommate, Get Wendy is sucking my dick and off of my ass you arogant little Jason has been licking my bastard, you can take the housemate’s asscrack at Bannana boat boat back to night... enjoy your valentine’s Hati you ingrateful squater. You day together.) don't like America or the good thing about koala American's, therefore I don't bears is that they make good like you. If you even think pillows once you crush their about hitting me again I'll have bones with a car the INS on your ass so fast, and have you deported before (that’s just dumb... you’ll get tire marks all over it... just you can say AH?? go at it rock style) take a shit to that guy who does the per(that reminds me... my old sonals... stop writing personboss showed me this site... als to yourself www.ratemypoo.com) (if i could i would... it’s a seKeep on rockin’ in a Sea rious problem... like eating World! every plastic baby jesus i see) (all these years i thought he What has the medium come to? was saying ‘free world’) (i guess it’s come to you) happy 21st to my roomie sarah brunette. woohoo for 23 shots To the stupid, delusional, lowu maniac~!!!! <3 ur roomie standards girl who wants to fuck the ugly ass pimp Adam (hey ladies, i miss going to from the north towers..raise your house... we should all hit your standards!! Adam is a up a bar sometime now that piece of shit with 100 diseases, you’re all legal like and all.) and he can’t kiss for SHIT. To my sexy roommate, why the Plus I think he is bi. hell don?t you give up on girls I want to know why it is often it?s obvious none of them want the really hot girls that are so you. I would treat you so nice; fucking prude. It should be we could cuddle all night long these girls that use their or take turns violating each hottness to their advantage and other, whatever you want. For fuck more random guys... like the past two years all I have me!! dreamt about is your hot man (With thoughts like that... it’s sauce filling up my tight ass. no wonder you’re in your (and people wonder why i’m room quietly masturbating to so happy to live in a single) the rhythm of your roommate’s breath instead of To the girl who thought that going out and getting ass....

Adam from the North Towers Just accept the fact that was hot. Get a life. He is a you’ll die a virgin... happy Vmetrosexual. day... this year... and every (First off... people who use other year the ‘v’ stands for the term ‘metrosexual’ need all the vagina you are not getting.) to die... second off... DIE) Poop 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890 I couldn’t fit a real personal here

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Come to the medium meeting and find out how many boxes there are in this square.

If you get it right you win a prize.

Every wednesday in the Livingston Student Center, room 111 at 9:15

Wanted: dedicated, athletic girls who like to KICK ASS Come join the Rutgers Women's Rugby team! We'll teach you everything you need to know, just come to the Upper Gym on College Avenue at 7:30PM on Tuesday, or email opinions@themedium.net Bring sneakers!thanks,Aija (go or die... i mean, if you go you can make other people die. aija does it all the time. she’s killed me twice.it gets better each time.)

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net

Don’t be like your roommate... find the hiddbe cOOL, Ok man en m essage and blow me

send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net send personals to personals@themedium.net

to the illest na na on senior st. u best bring ur pot smoking ass (when i read that i hear it in over to free some men and let the voice that says “you’ve the turkish make a ruckus ingot mail”) side your hat. or you'll answer to cocoa homo: i used to hate to the diggity. blacks and gays until i met you. my mouth is full of marbles. and you are a real fucking piece of cum. marbles and cum. work. i cant wait to spend (that just means when you easter at your southern hick finally swallow... you’ll be new jersey crackhouse and tell able to speak very clearly) your poor mother about your awful (homo)sexual exploits. to the payroll whore with that fat fat applebottom and to the kristen says hi short little piece of ass with the to my computer... you are big titties who gives me "shift dead because i killed you. cookies"- i cant wait to go to sorry... things are better this jamaica with you and have lots way. i have a lot less porn in of lesbian sex in our my life but i did remember that crackhouse of a hotel. its gonna girls are naked in reality too... be so hot, just you wait. i cant yay for boob and vagina wait to join wet t shirt contests (probably not getting much and get lots of horrible STDs if you have CT) with you girls. no tan lines. fucking whats up.

So sometimes people have ‘dick’ on the brain... but what (fucking seems to be what’s would it feel like for a penis to up... ooooooooooo. ok... actually be going in and out of that wasn’t funny but... i a brain... like... i mean... you can’t be ‘on’ all the time.... know... it’s soft and... it’d stop, alright? i feel bad probably feel really good... enough already... stop laughexcept the wrinkles may feel ing at me... i hate you... no... weird when they’re sliding i hate me) across my sack. to the flaming homosexual who (i think rather than find out bought me gay porn when i the answer... i’d let my brain clearly asked for straight porn. be the fuck toy... for more i think your male on male acgreat fuck toys see the comic tion is nasty and you make me on the next page... this mes- want to commit a hate crime. sage will self destruct in 12 just kidding, let me know when seconds... and by self de- you change your sinful ways struct i mean ejaculate in and start dicking women. your right eye... no wait, left) (what a sweet personal for valentine’s day) polish kurwa's are the best you've got ringworm

if you could eat one of your friends... who would it be? and don’t just say the fattest one becuase that’s the obvious answer... which of your nonfat friends would you like to eat the most... make sure you remember that ethnicity changes the taste... i taste like candy... candy people Don’t

The Medium PERSONALS

read this personal of the week: SOMEONE IS GETTING ASS and it may just be you.

To the guy who I should have hung out with last Tuesday night. You followed me into my class in Hickman Hall room 210...I give you credit for that and I regret not being able to hang out with you. My other plans, of course, sucked. I looked for you again but I guess you didn't go to your last class. Sorry for letting you down. Wish I could see you again! Hopefully you read this, if not, then we both missed out. (last tuesday was in december... or november... sorry it took so long but... enjoy the love you guys... respond to this chick in the medium so you can get in touch with her... and by that i mean touch and get in her.) ryan beckman has a fat ass (fuck you... you’re just making fun of me because i was born without an ass.... this is like 3rd grade all over again) I am a circle Circles cannot think.

to the hot guido who works at the coffee cove-i want to run Think about it. my hands up and down your greasy, hairy body. meet me at the discotheque for a bad time. lar-E is my hero because he’s a panda bear that doesn’t care (discotheque? what the to wear underware even as fuck... you better be talking people stare at him fall down about a mirrored ball hang- stairs just to scare up some train ing over your bed or you’re fare that he’s spend on a pear in trouble young lady.) to tear into. (that personal had negative ‘goodness’ value and made me want to eat panda...love)

STEAL THIS NEWSPAPER

“I’m never gonna forget that.... Wait, what were we talking about?”

i would like to thank the casts of full house, family matters, step by step, and hangin' with mr. copper for making my fridays as a youngster a wonderful time. not only did i laugh, (Nothing against fucking tits but i learned valuable lessens but... if she has none... don’t as well. with the combination forget about the vagina... of TGIF and pizza you guys unless this was a man in were the epitamy of family fun. which case... time for some just add the game Don't Wake assfucking) Daddy and i was in heaven. ta da faggots rollin' mustangs, (i like the adult version of ya fudgepackers really need ta that game where you have to git da fuq out o' da 80 's. ya blow your own father withass munchers be rollin' those out making him wake up... if cars like it'sstill da sheeit, but he nocturnally emits in your nahhhhh fuckers, ya just peep eye... you win) like pathetic fools, then ya won(holy shit that was sick... i der why nahh ho wants ta jive have problems... come to a ta any o' ya. and git meeting and help me. tonight Sheniquah's ass back ova' in the livingston student cenheeah. ter in room 111 at 9:15... be (well that was certainly un- there and bring a friend... for derstandable... why don’t you us to eat. Otherwise you’ll sign off aim and re-teach be our food....) yourself what real words are To my accounting prof,fuck you silly bitch) you I hate you and you ruined To the whore in my mth my grade and chances of getclass,please stop kissing his ass ting business school. you fat bitch. its your fault that (I can’t wait to be a prof. so i the curves suck and he never can say ‘no’ to stupid ass has a real lecture. please stop motherfuckers who can’t get kissing his ass and go into an a good grade without blowalley and die... ing me) To the ho who be lying to guys that she has D cups, your barely an A Cup, i mean hows a brothasuppose to titty fuck that, might as well fuck a wall.

Super Fun Game 174 Rules: Don’t be a bitch

Game Piece?

How To Play: Cut this newspaper into as many pieces as you want... then try to give as many people paper cuts as you can.

ta da RU football program, ya fuckers need ta start usin' money dat McCormick be usin' fo' whores an' gank some players, like other schools do like Miami, FSU, etc. Cause if ya don' yall iz never gonna win sheeit git ranked some tyme in dis here century. what 'chew thinking man? (fuck that shit team man... we need to be using that money to buy some trick-asshos for the RU student body... most prostitutes are cleaner than these kids) www.beckcock.com I'm a single, white male seeking a woman with pretty eyes, tanned skin, and a level head on her shoulders who doesn't mind rubbing fluff on my body, spanking my ass with assorted rubber dildos, and licking my nipples through the holes of CDs or DVDs. If interested leave a message by calling 1800 NEED LOVE, box number 1468. Serious inquiries only.

(1800needlove has one too many ‘numbers’ to dial. you are a filthy liar. time for some slut to spank you and put a pacifier in your ass.)

The Medium PERSONALS

to that slut who likes to call me a slut, fuck you, you are the worst kind of slut because you pretend you're not, even tho everyone knows you're a raging whore. i don't deny my slutiness to myself or others, unlike you. also, i know you like to fuck on the first "date"(aka trip to some guys dorm room), which also makes you a big slut you fucking hypocrit. even i, a self procliamed slut, won't fuck some guy i met that very night. so next time you, or anyone of you sluts out there want to call me or any other girl a slut, remember, YOU'RE ALL SLUTS TOO. (it’s fun to watch sluts fight... just stand back... don’t want to get hit with one of their herpes laden fireballs) This goes out to all the idiot Medium editors who can't stop begging for submissions. Why did you run for editor if you either couldn't write all the stuff yourself each week or at least know people who would write for you? And while I'm on topic, could someone right for News because when whatshisface does it himself, it's more pathetic than funny.

As I leave the most segregated and emotionally stressful "family" at Rutgers, I have a few parting words:Clarinets-If you can't march, don't join a MB. All you do is fuck up the form.

Saxes-Deflate your heads a little and come back to earth.

You're in a fucking MB-you're not and never will be cool.Trumpets-Yes, your shit stinks too. Just cuz you can play the high notes doesn't mean you're good.Trombonesyou guys are so cool. I wish I met the height requirement.

YOU SUCK. LEARN TO KEEP A TEMPO YOU DOUCHE. UNTIL THEN, GO FUCK YOURSELF. Love, your biggest fan.<3 goddamn that personal and the dumb shit it will start

Wednesday February 11th, 2004

(Sweet fucking christ... i hope i run into this girl on the street someday... only if i’m in a truck and she’s on the ground though. what a dumb bitch... wasting ‘good’ personals space with babble about the fucking band) www.Ziozpher.com This goes out to all my students in Theory... STOP READING THIS GARBAGE AND GET BACK TO YOUR STUDIES!

Goal: Cut your enemy as many times as you can.

To make the game more interesting: See if slicing someone (who has the hiv) open and then cutting another non infected person transfers the love.

Super Valentine’s Suck Section...

Featuring Family CircAss Snuffy Dillhole the ‘weekly’ Crossword & almost nothing more

The Medium’s Crossword (better than the targum’s because you can’t see the answers you write down)

a work of rB productions... and your mom.

“If my thong was halfway up my back I’d almost look like one of those Rutgers sluts.”

All my sex toys ...

stuck in all that snow...

Why is my ass to remain unfilled?

I’ll use You can the use this bird.... shovel.

1 3

Across 3. The only person who doesn’t think you’re an asshole.

2

Down 1. not ‘stop’ but _ _ 2. If I go to prison I will _ _ _ _ someone in the ass to keep from getting lonely.

Sir... you met my wife this weekend at the company picnic and... well she wanted me to ask you for a favor?

She was born without hair... see... she’s not a mammal... and she’s always yearned to have the feeling one experiences when a long strand of hair is pulled out of one’s ass... or vagina...

So I wanted to know if you’d be willing to fuck my wife... by having her sit on your head... you’d get both holes at once... I’d just hurt her.

This comic had way too much text for a medium reader

The Medium WHAT’S SHAKIN’

“I wonder if my mom would be offended if I called her a cum catcher?” Wednesday February 11th, 2004

In lieu of my rantings, I give you puppies, hearts and a special Valentine’s day Haiku.

Rutgers Women’s Rugby wants YOU! All dedicated, hardcore women are welcome to attend our indoor practice session, Tuesday Nights, 7:30PM in the Upper College Ave Gym. Email Opinions@themedium.net for more info.

Happy Valentine’s!

Now, give me some fucking head.

Biatch, that is all.

I wish I didn’t have to be put to sleep......

PUPPIES

HEARTS

THE DARKNESS COOK CAMPUS CENTER FRIDAY FEBRUARY 13TH 9PM

DOORS OPEN 8PM TICKETS AT DOOR $12RU-ID $18 NO ID

88.7 WRSU-FM presents: Sparks Fly from a Kiss, Crayon Rosary, Hunchback, The Nudey Brew at Red Lion Cafe, Rutgers Student Center Thurs., February 12th, 8pm,

FREE!

Send events to: events@themedium.net

I promise Corey Feldman will come to a Medium meeting, why don’t you? Come to the LSC Room 111 at 9:15 PM, and say hello to 1/2 or the Coreys!

(The preceeding was not an actual promise)

EVENTS The Heat Thurs, 2/12 - Bo Diddley at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, New York, NY Thurs, 2/12 - Vonda Shepard at Community Theatre, Morristown, NJ

Fri, 2/13 - The Darkness at Cook Campus Center Fri, 2/13 - WSOU presents Clutch w/ Nebula, Mastadon and Farquahr at Starland Ballroom Sayreville, NJ Fri, 2/13 - Joshua Tree w/ Xit 88 at Harry’s Roadhouse, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, 2/13 - Toby Keith at Continental Arena, East Rutherford, NJ Fri, 2/13 - Soulive at Stone Pony, Asbury Park, NJ Sat, 2/14 - WDHA presents Jonny Lang w/ Cross Canadian Ragweed at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Sat, 2/14 - Enrique Iglesias at Radio City Music Hall, New York, NY Sat, 2/14 - Patti Labelle at Westbury Music Fair, Westbury, NY Sun, 2/15 - Ashanti at Westbury Music Fair, Westbury, NY

is on.....

Thurs, 2/12 - Paul Mercurio at Stand Up NY Thurs, 2/12 - Loveline w/ Dr.Drew Pinsky at Rutgers Student Center Thurs, 2/12 - New Jersey Film Festival Spring 2004: “Judex” at Loree Building, Cook Campus Thurs, 2/12 to Sat, 2/14 - Mike Saccone at The Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs, 2/12 to Sun, 2/15 - Ralphie May at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY Thurs, 2/12 to Sun, 2/15 - Paul Mooney at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY Fri, 2/14 - Jon Stewart at State Theatre, New Brunswick, NJ Sat, 2/14 - New Jersey Film Festival Spring 2004: “Zero Day” at Scott Hall, Rutgers College