THE
MEDIUM
In the “butt”!
The Entertainment Weekly of Baby Cakes, Dead Baby Cakes
Volume XXXIV, Number 14
www.themedium.net
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
Happy “Birth”day
Cake is always best when filled with a warm red goo. Strawberries? Perhaps. Dead baby? Always.
Brought to you by The National Organization of Making Babies into Food.
BIF M O N ’
OP/ED
“If Yahweh hath wanted his children to fly, he would have giveth them wings?”
February 5th, 2003
Baby Cakes By George Baxter, EiC Ok, I’m sure some people have questions about the cake on the cover. First thing is first… the picture is of an aborted fetus. Unfortunately for us, not just any gooey pre-baby would do for the picky taste of Medium staff members. You see, this cover has been a long time coming. A few months ago a few of us editors thought it’d be a real “hoot” to have a “birth”day party for an aborted fetus. Well, for a while we tried to get chicks that were coming out of abortion clinics to party with us. For some reason they ended up crying. One time I said, “Hey, You… stop crying… it’s not your party, it’s the fetus’”. She didn’t listen, but she did kick me in the crotch.
Being the quitters we are, the staff decided to come up with a new plan. Long story short… I got some girl on staff pregnant so I could punch her in the stomach a few times around the 5th month. We waited a few hours, she went to the prom and… plop. Baby meet toilet. Don’t worry though, we didn’t just take the picture of the fetus and leave it to get shat on. We baked it into the cake and made him into our own poo.
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OPINIONS DEATHMATCH 2003 Angry white man to black community: What’s the big fucking deal, bitch?
Black community to angry white man: Fuck you, you stupid cracker!
By Mike Litoris Well, it’s that time of year again: Black History Month! Now, you might think this excitement is faked, but it’s not. I love Black History Month. What better ways to shut you fuckers up then give you a month for yourselves! Same with the Jews, the feminists, well hell, just about any group that’s not a protestant white male! Come on black people… I know you’re poor, I know you’re angry, but I cannot, I repeat, I cannot believe you are so stupid as to accept this. Black History Month is nothing but a symbol which costs the white people nothing, doesn’t do a damn thing for you, and whenever you guys say “But what about the 250 years of slavery?” we get to say “We gave you a damn month!” And what exactly are we supposed to do during this month? Celebrate our differences? Is that it? Is that what Black History Month, Women’s History Month, Jewish History Month, the Gay Pride Parades, other parades, and all that other bullshit is about? Yes, lets point out to future generations yet a little more just how fucking different we are! Why the hell not celebrate what we have in common? Why not just find comfort with one another in the fact that we are all human, and all have to deal with the same shit? All crap like this does is to propagate racism and hate. To point out our differences to a being as territorial and intolerant as humans is asking for it. It’s not like you’re supposed to get more respect during this month or anything. If you accept that black history month is a good thing, then it’s like you deserve special treatment like retarded kids. And what’s more is, we don’t have our own month. As a white male, I myself have been attacked and insulted and left out because of the past of my race. I didn’t fucking bring you people over here and lynch you. I didn’t tell gays not to fuck each other in the ass. I didn’t tell the women to stay in the fucking kitchen. Just do what the fuck you want and leave me alone. I will not suffer the white man’s burden. I will tolerate you so long as you tolerate me. But I don’t have my own month. Now isn’t all this affirmative action inclusive nonsense a little exclusive? I can’t have a month. I can’t start a club in the school for white men. I can’t have white pride. My best friend is gay. One day she asked me to come to the Gay Pride Parade with her, and I replied, “As soon as there’s a White Heterosexual Pride Parade in which I can go to, I’ll go to the Gay Pride Parade with you.” Now my raging bull dyke best friend reeled in shock. “What do white people have to be proud of? Killing? Oppressing millions and dominating the world?” she yelped. It’s a good point I suppose… IF I WERE THE ONE WHO DID ALL THAT! I don’t like the KKK. I don’t like racists, sexists, or any other “ist’s” that I shouldn’t like. Personally, I don’t have pride in my race. I don’t care really because I don’t identify my being and self by my race, and I don’t see why other people have to do it. But if you’re all doing it, I should have the ability to as well. White people have done enough good things to warrant their own month. Some say we’ve built civilization, we pioneered philosophy, and we cultivated the arts! And blacks and other groups haven’t done bad things? Blacks were killing and enslaving each other long before the white man came along. Jews are currently enacting a holocaust on Palestinians!
NEXT WEEK: WARFAGS VERSUS PEACEDYKES!
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Op/Eds News Features Arts Personals Personals
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What’s Shaking!
The Medium apologizes for the racial slurs that appeared in this space last week. Fuck you oversensitive bastards, I hope shuttle wreckage lands on you.
Cover by: George W. Baxter
Help spread HATE*! Currently accepting applications for:
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Staff Negro Staff Lesbian Assistant Staff Negress Vice Assistant Staff Honkey
*Happiness and Acceptance Through Elimination...er, Education
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Might is right - it sucks to be white.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjewman S. Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Cameron Heines Bryan McKenna Photography Editor Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Sir Ben Senior Editor Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. We’ll have an email soon. Funfact (TM) - God didn’t give the Israelis wings. (Or to the Palestinians for that matter)
Wednesday February 5, 2003
“Dead Baby Asshole!”
Kelly Osborne: Too Fat for MTV By The Writer’s Block
Last Tuesday, MTV announced that Kelly Osbourne would be banned from MTV. Ms. Osbourne reached MTV fame by first being a star of a reality show on MTV and then by becoming a pop star. This sudden decision to ban Ms. Osbourne was due to the fact that she was too fat. The news doesn’t come as a surprise to a lot of the stars in the MTV community. Upon hearing about the news, techno pop star Moby stated, “Well, that’s good, I never really liked her singing, I thought Babe was the last singing pig I’d ever see, I guess I was wrong.” Fellow male artist Eminem also had remarks about the singer’s dismissal, Eminem said, “I never really liked her, she would always come to me and say, ‘Your name reminds me of M&Ms,’ and then she would laugh like a fat bratty girl, because she was a fat bratty girl. And then after that, she would go in to this hunger trance or something where she would stare off into the distance and start drooling while saying, ‘Rich milk chocolate covered in a candy coated shell. Mmmm... sometimes with peanuts.” The decision to ban Ms. Osbourne was decided on Monday when Ms. Osbourne ate Jewish MTV veejay Gideon Yago. Ms. Osbourne was already in the doghouse for eating 2 of the dogs on her reality show, The Osbournes. as well as eating one of Ozzy’s arms. Her devouring of Gideon Yago was the final straw. When pressed for comments on eating Gideon Yago, Ms. Osbourne responded, “He was kosher and delicious.”
Bush Calls Saddam Out By Larry Cheng In an unprecedented move last Wednesday, President Bush issued a challenge to the leader of the Iraqi people. "I will no longer tolerate your dishonor! We will fight on the battlefield of our ancestors and settle this.... Mortal Kombat style!!!!!" An irate Bush declared, "You will not escape my Shaolin Fist!!!" The conflict branched from an earlier meeting between George Bush Senior and the man who would come to be known as the enigmatic Saddam. George W. Bush was forced to watch in horror as Saddam stripped Bush Senior of his title as Grand Master, and laughed at his disgrace. This prompted Bush junior to train with the greatest masters of our time, in order to face the one who defeated his father. Bush has master the martial arts forms of Kung Fu, Shaolin Fist, and Tae Kwon Doe. He has trained for this day, and will have his vengeance quenched by the blood of the villain Saddam. After seeking a comment from the leader of the Iraqi people, he was quoted as saying, "You think your Shaolin Fist can stop my Praying Mantis Style, you are sadly mistaken, you will face defeat like your father before you, but this time, I will not spare you with the shame, this time, it is to the death!!!! You will fail young one, and I will solidify my claim as Grand Master!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Harsh words from Saddam... Is Bush ready for the challenge ahead of him? He must, his honor...no his life will be on the line. As they engage in Mortal Kombat(tm).
Send News Articles to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com if you don’t like big black dick.
NEWS NEWS How to Spot a Terrorist By Please Don’t Lynch Me
This topic has risen many times ever since nine-eleven. Many innocent Ay-Rabs have been persecuted with out due process. And Why? Because a bunch of rednecks don’t know the difference between a person from the Middle East and a terrorist? Well this article should clear things up for any rednecks out there right now reading this. First things first many people assume terrorism with towel-heads. This is not true, many terrorists are smarter than that and disguise themselves. A true terrorist would be in costume. You can usually tell if someone is one by his clothing. If someone is wearing a really large gold necklace, a FUBU jersey, or any kind of abnormally large coat; they are most likely a terrorist in disguise. If you notice any of this clothing on someone you should immediately instigate a riot-like lynching process, which include a burlap sack, a crowd of people, and large pile of rocks. But even some terrorists are smarter than that and dress like normal human beings, but don’t worry there are many more methods to reveal one than their clothing. Their connotation is also a dead giveaway. Listen closely for excessive use of words such as “Ot”, “DAMB”, and the ever-famous “CRACKA.” This is the true hidden language of the terrorists. Upon listening to this discourse, you should shove an electric rod up the terrorist’s anus, electrocuting them; following this should be the removal of the skin and the sale of such skin to the nearest clothing store. However, once again, the more intelligent terrorist’s know to never use this language in front of us “whitey’s.” Therefore, the one thing that all terrorists must do in public is pay for items. Terrorist’s do not use our form of currency though, they us their own form called “Food Stamps.” If you see someone paying with these “Food Stamps,” you should drench them in pig’s blood so they may never find their way to their 72 virgins, after this a hamburger must be shoved into their mouth, when finished with the hamburger you must crucify while three dead hookers are placed upon their body. And there you have it, how to spot a terrorist in three easy steps. But don’t worry if you forget any of these steps. One surefire way to point out a terrorist to look at their skin pigmentation, if it’s black; alert the authorites immediately.
Medium meeting Frelinghuysen B4 9:30 Tonight Come if you like big black dick.
News Briefs!
Raging Bush By Mike Litoris Last summer, the Washington Post’s Bob Woodward interviewed Bush, and the president nearly jumped out of his chair when asked about North Korean Ruler Kim Jong Il. “I loathe Kim Jong Il!” Bush shouted. “He is visceral,” Bush added, “maybe it’s my religion ... but I feel passionate about this.” Woodward initially was filled with shock – partially at Bush’s reaction, but more so because Bush’s ability to accurately use words such as “loathe,” “visceral,” “passionate,” and “maybe” was astounding and unprecedented. Before Woodward was able to recover, Bush added, “I also loathe Iraq, gays, Shinobi 3, that Dicky [vice president Dick Cheney] won’t let me call up Al [Gore] during those boring National Security Council meetings to call him girly and a wenis, and how it is that Team Rocket never can catch Pikachu!” He blamed his hatred of these things on the economy, Democrats, “poopie-heads”, and his Micromachines collection. He then stormed off to his room, slammed his door, and refused to admit anyone, exclaiming, “I’m never coming out again! You can just get a new president!” Cheney lured him out twentyseven minutes later with some vanilla ice cream and a shiny new red Corvette Micromachine. (The first paragraph of this piece was taken from the January 13th issue of Newsweek. More or less.)
Features Features
“I want to be an astronazi when I grow up!”
A Letter From Your Editor By: Dan Migliore, Shamelessly Self-Promoting since 1982
George W. Bush Will Kill Us All
As I, Dan Migliore, waited for the bus, I was trying to think of how I, Dan Migliore, could start off my semester as the new Features/GMG editor. Then it struck me (Dan Migliore)! I had a hilarious idea , but suddenly, some bum came up to me and asked me for change. I, Dan Migliore, lost the idea. If it hadn’t been for that dirty pig-fucker, you would have been reading something funny. But instead, I, Dan Migliore, lost an assuredly brilliant piece. But I’m sure you are now asking yourself, “What can I do for Dan Migliore?” The answer is quite simple: submit to me at Featuresed@yahoo.com I’ll take pictures, stories, and whatever you can think to write about. And remember to have fun, because I’ll sure as hell be having fun with you.
The Medium presents:
Beerman: The Alcoholic Avenger “And lo, there shall come a Beerman, who will rid the world of injustice and sobriety.” Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody were to tell you I was just your average Rutgers student, that I had an average life, then somebody would be lying to you, because my life is anything but that. But it didn’t start out like that. I was you typical college science nerd, until one day there was an accident. I was on Busch campus, at the Center for Alcohol Studies. They were working on a study to discover a beer that would make it impossible to get alcohol poisoning. I was observing the experiment, when one of the workers dropped the keg of the new and untested beer. It cracked open, and a torrent of the hops and barley brew flew at me. My mouth dropped as the beer hit me, and in the process, I drank some of it. The force knocked me back into the computer that held the formula for the beer, and it toppled over, destroying all the work that had been done. But soon the cascade of beer ebbed, and as it did, the last of that sacred brew flowed down into the sewers, lost forever. The lab assistants rushed over to help me up and dry me off. But the damage had been done. That night when I got home, the world turned into a swirling Technicolor kaleidoscope as that which I had imbibed began to work on my DNA. There were unforeseen benefits of the beer. I gained superhuman drinking abilities, became faster than a Silver Bullet, was able to leap Frat Row in a single bound, and was more powerful then the stench of those bums down by the train station. Growing up, I only had my grandparents to take care of me. And I didn’t know how to deal with the new powers I had received. But a few days before my grandfather died, he told me, “Son, I’ma go upstairs and fuck your gramma.” It wasn’t much help, but I just saw Spiderman, and knew that with great power came great responsibility. Since I had never been one to be responsible, I decided to use my powers to fight sobriety in all it’s forms, and then worry about fighting crime and all that shit. Wherever you see a sorostitute flashing her goods, Beerman will be there. Wherever a keg runs dry, Beerman will be there. Wherever someone is being picked up for drunk and disorderly behavior, Beerman will be there. Wherever someone is too drunk for his own good, Beerman will be there. This is my gift. This is my curse.
Want to meet the lady who made this picture possible? Then come to a Medium meeting, Wednesday night Frelinghuysen B4 at 9:30. Want to be refered to as “The Man”? Then submit to
Featuresed@yahoo.com You
know
you
want
Wednesday, February 5, 2003
to.
By: Raoul Dan No, I don’t mean this literally. It’s not like he’s going to come with a gun and shoot us each in the head. But this man has the power to launch a nuclear war. This, very stupid, ignorant, man that makes that retarded kid from “Life Goes On” look like Albert fucking Einstein. I mean, Christ Almighty, does anyone really want to go and risk their life for this illiterate fuck? “The fool can’t be fooled again.” Remember that gem? And now this man is going to send us to war, and to top it all off, he has his finger hovering over the button. You know what I’m talking about. THE button. But how long can simple Dubya hold out? How can he resist the urge to push the button that could erase our very existence? Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires? Can he resist the temptation to push the button that even now beckons him ever closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to erase history at the mere PUSH OF A SINGLE BUTTON? THE BEAUTIFUL SHINY BUTTON...THE JOLLY CANDYLIKE BUTTON...WILL HE HOLD OUT FOLKS? CAN HE HOLD OUT? In this reporter’s opinion, nope.
Roe vs. Wade By: The Mad Typer
So, it's the 30th aniversary of Roe vs. Wade, and that got me thinking about getting girls pregnant. And not just any girls, but little girls, you know the type, they just hit puberty, around 10 or 11, that age is when they're the most tender. Well everytime I drug one of these sperm rags, I always make them bleed, I don't know why, they want it and I give them my penis. So all that blood seems a waste, just spilled over a bathroom sink, so what I do, is save it and use it in aborted feti recipies. Cause nothign says home cooking, like the aborted fetus of a 12 year old girl, covered in her menstrual discharges. mmmmmmmm bloody tender flesh. I tend to marinate the fetus in it's own juices cause they get the most flavor in their own juices. Now, fetus meat is already tender, but to make it extra delectable, I smash the pre-formed limbs with my tenderizing mallet. The recipe always gets ruined because when I see mangled pre-person, something in me tells me, to inject my own special white sauce into the carcass. If you can resist the urge to masturbate to such a glorious sight, you can prepare a succulent meal for the whole family, especially when the dish came from one of your family.
Kill ALL Cancer Patients!!!!!!!! by: Henry Rarisan In this day and age of medicine, we often overlook the most common way of treating an illness. The Germans used it to "cure" the jews and so do many African tribes today. Of course I'm talking about killing and mass extermination. For too long we have been plagued by people who have cancer. These "people" are taking up all of our precious hospital space, and money that could go to deserving patients, with ailments like, athlete's foot, or a face lift. Now most of you are thinking, "Killing, isn't that a little drastic?" To those nay-sayers I shout, "No you fucking liberal bitch!!!!" Killing cancer patients is as natural as taking a dump in someone's face. These "people" are going to die anyway, so why waste time and money on them? I like to refer to them as the "living dead" who are just breathing long enough for the cancer to eat away at their brains. They are kind of like Zombies and as we all know, killing zombies is not only cool, it's good for the world. Why do you think games like Resident Evil, and movies like Resident Evil exist? For entertainment or art value? No, they were made as educational films on how to kill "zombies", a.k.a. cancer patients. Don't let these truly great pieces of zombie killing go to waste. Kill a cancer patient.
Wednesday, February 5, 2003
“Don’t be a tease...I’ll kick down your door and wrap my legs around your head.”
QUICKIES: Music Reviews, Get ‘em while they’re hot... by the Third World All Stars, yo. Bert Switzer - 1977-2002 (CD) Three well placed abortions would have stopped this album from ever coming out. I might have enjoyed the album if I could have passed the static. Someone should have told Bert not to let his producer vomit on the sound equipment. Binge - One More Cup (CD) PO Box 35439 Brighton, MA 02135 The other day I took a shower after one of my friends and five minutes into it I found a giant pubic hair on the soap. Binge is that hair. Bon Voyage - The Right Amount (CD) Tooth and Nail Records This album is about as disappointing as when Martin Lawrence came out of that coma.
Arts
MP3 Review: “Sniper Song” by Sane by The Music Nazi
Whatever happened to that sniper guy? Did they like catch him or something? I dunno, but he’s not in the news anymore, and it sucks. I guess we really don’t know what we’ve got til its gone, huh? Well anyway, some guy from Canada named Sean wrote a song about him, and it’s one of my favorite songs in recent memory. You can download it (and a bunch of his other songs) at his website, at <http://www.seanile.net>. It’s a really simple song, just a cheap guitar and drum track and vocals, but it’s just plain amazing. The brilliant opening lyrics go “The sniper has just sniped again, I just saw it on CNN, it happened at 8:46 PM, just 90 miles south of Washington... a 37 year old man was shot, he didn’t die but it hurt a lot...” and then he wonders why the sniper did it, and if he’ll ever strike again... And then, “Here he comes... here comes the sniper... he’s going to snipe you!” and then the song just explodes into fury. This is an amazing song, and so are many of the other songs this guy has written, so check them out.
Pornography, a Drinkers Review Steve (Beezer) Toboz Staff Writer
While sitting with a 40 and pondering life’s most difficult questions, I heard a fellow drunk spout out something about porn they saw. Only, this porn wasn’t like any other, it was “soft core” porn. This type of porn, witch shows no “hardcore” This album reminds me of the story of my friend Styx who covered his action what so ever is sorta like a preview to a movie. All penis with peanut butter and let his frat brothers lick it off. you see is tits, like the ones here, maybe an ass (not shown) and you are expected to stop there. NO! Its time to stand Buckethead - Bermuda Triangle (CD) up for your self. Its time (as I heard in a movie that the City Hall Records name escapes me) I stand up for myself. Its time I’m counted as a man, its time I throw my balls over my shoulder and Beats that stem from deep down in the Eurethra, Buckethead combines seemingly inexperienced production with beats that appear to have come out charge into the fire. That’s right. Time to let the porn industry of a Casio keyboard. Somebody abort me please. know we ain’t taking this horrible shit any longer. We want pussy, ass fucking, hummers, (some like defecation, but Control - The Forgotten E.P (CDEP) that’s not my bag) and other horrible fantasies you fucking Go-Kart Records sick bastards think up. So I say, fuck the fucking French kid that was in my Building communities class last semester! The four songs on the forgotten are stripped down and sent through my Fuck him right in the ear you gay shit stain. I HATE THE peehole like a white hot coat hanger of fast hardcore. FRENCH! I mean, we want XXX. Yeah, that’s it. The Braves - That’s the Hot Part (CD) Arms Reach Recordings
Delay Janus - Abraham Burns (CD) 1141 Coral Way Coral Gables, FL 33134 This album reminds me of the time I filled the Cocoa Krispies box up with all those maggots I found in my pubic hairs.
Sports Haiku:Poetry for Men by Mike Stanley rutgers basketball gives up in the last minutes maybe next year guys? To both the Cubits It's sad you are leaving us Go fuck up their team football, basketball our teams are embarassing but, we're good at soccer!
Don’t you wish your OWN reviews were in here? Submit your shit to shorty_fat_fat @yahoo.com, and come to a Medium Meeting tonight, at Frelinghuysen Hall, B4. Be there at 9, or be square, babycakes!
Personals Personals To the 2 guys I somehow agreed to drive down to Maryland with me: Thanks for turning a 3.5 hour drive into a 5 hour ordeal. I could deal with the occasional cell-phoning, and the change of destination in the middle of the trip, but after paying $17.60 in tolls and gas (and my time), would it have killed you to donate some cash? However, since I'm not one to get angry, I'm only holding any future car travel ransom for $20. Pay me and you can again ride like a rushing river (or at least slow drip), in the passenger seat, of course. PS: I'd like my discrete math book back. That crotch is ok with me. (as long as it doesn’t look like half a pound of chewed bubblegum, or roast beef, it’s ok with me too...female would be nice, i guess.) FUCK infinity broadcasting for taking my ron and fez and my loveline away. FUCK THEM HARD. bunch of pussies who couldn’t help but conforming ...fucking rap station. FUCK YOU! (big ass cardholer number 16797...h-h-h-hooah!) www.ilovemartinscock.com
“but what about punk rock??” To a special “height challenged” SA: Your life is a joke. I look at you and it makes me want to cry. If you ever got laid, that would be the day that your “frat” was almost cool. I think you became an SA to make up for the fact that you have a small cock. Everytime you speak, you make an entire dorm want to vomit on themselves. There are 2 options left in you life. 1) Get a fuckin clue that no one likes your dirty, skank ass, or 2) Get the hell out of this country and join the rest of your family in the middle east, you cumguzzling faggot. You are so extremely GAY that you ruin a wet-dream. You are a waste of my oxygen you stupid fuckin fag-shitting, nut-suckin, cockgobbling, rhino-fucking sorry excuse for a life. -Love, Your friends @ the Dorm! MOLE. You tall ass half wanna be nigger. The mole doesnt simbolize that your black. As a level B D&D sorceress I cast a plague of cancer on your poop stain.
To the red-haired girl in the computer lab: You are totally hot. I wouldn’t mind finding a warm, quiet place and giving you a long, wet kiss on the lips. After that, I might move up to your belly button. To the other red-haired girl, see above. You’re pretty hot, too. To anyone else that this might apply to, um, hi. I’d probably donate some oral to you, too. what’s holdin on to me, i wanna go and swim with the other fishies. i wanna go swim with the other fishies...you fucking octopus! fuck you! let me go, i want to swim free like a slut free like a dirty slut octopus go fuck yourself! fishy, fishy, fishy! my name is fishy and i like to swim in the sea i’m the fishy, i’m the fishy (fishy go swim...fishy go swim...fishy go swim.) To those big hulking dudes that saw me fall over on the corner of Easton Ave friday night...laugh it up, boys. I deserved it. I would also like to thank you for not kicking me in the face and not rraping my lady friend. hannibal: way to try and lick 3P. Tech Writing girl please go out you sick fuck. you go to hell with me www.themedium.net and you die
Wednesday, February 5, 2003 god does hate the raiders. fuck god for ruining gannon’s season. fuck god for creating chinese people too. those ignorant bastards walk around talking their stupid language all the time thinking that they are smarter than everyone else just because they are on busch campus. go beat off to anime you fucks. BWAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA!! FODOR’S PANTS FELL DOWN! (i’ll bet you all enjoyed raping “fodor” after his pants fell, didn’t you? DON’T LIE TO ME...SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE HE TOUCHED YOU!) to the dirty man-slut in my apartment: clean up after yourself! i’m tired of having to pick up your dishes and write on your face when you’re drunk.
If you meet a chick on College Ave named Columbia, don’t fuck her more than once. She goes to pieces on re-entry. (mmm, the first, and i’m sure not the last, piece of space crash humor i’ve heard. it’s the way of the future...no more flight 800 jokes.) I wanna bang a Douglass chick. (good luck, buddy...unless you’re not a buddy...in which case, shouldn’t be too hard. just find one of those “curious” ones and have at her. with a strap-on. in the ass.) my friend told me a stotry one time, about how herfriend’s friend came home drunk and peed in her mouth. it was aweeome. (do you have such a story? send it to OLSENTWINS @SEDUCTIVE.COM)
Wednesday, February 5, 2003 the medium sucked last week, it just wasn’t funny at all, mostly kind of stupid actually (i blame the jews) When working on that hoopty ride of yours, remember two key things: make it louder and make it stand out. If you can find a bright yellow spoiler taller then your car, then by all means, buy it! If you can find neon turn signals, pop those in too! Whenever you drive by, people will notice your car, and wish they had one just like it so they could be like you! Just the other day, I heard Frank (the drunk guy on my street who’s always yelling at his girlfriend) say, “Look, there goes Billy in his little car. Gee, I wish I had a car just like his so I could wake people up at 3:00 in the fucking morning!” Well, by following my steps, people will envy you too, just like Billy! So, now that you finally know how to fit into society despite your countless personal shortcomings and faults, remember that you have me to thank: the homeless guy that goes through your garbage. (Oh and don’t forget those cars with decals on them which don’t include any parts from that place, that’ll make your ride super neato) To the people responsible for closing my dorm, and making me have to leave my dorm for 4 frikkin' days and expose myself to immesurable parental stupidity, you... suck. (Hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to expose anything else to your parents, namely you’re vagina if your a woman and your penis if you’re a male) To the people responsible for keeping my bathroom in working order: I'm sorry about that stain on the ceiling, but it was good that you could remove it. Although, really, you could have left it. Yellow on white isn't that noticeable with all the water stains in the same place. Thanks, though. (I’m just glad it wasn’t any other color like brown... or even hang-over black, or what’s worse is the dreaded baby-green.) to my friend kate: congratulations on your new (possible) love. you deserve it, you're one of the best people in the world. (by best he means worst and by people, he means dykes)
“Dammit!!! My girlfriend won’t let me have gay sex with anyone else...”
fuck, fuck, fuck, mothermother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch-noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the money in my hand. If the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me-owe. Dear D, Thank you for being the biggest whore all 4 years we were together. The best part was busting on your face every time I gave you anal. It makes me so happy to hear you cry about the miserable slut that you've become after leaving me. And thanks for not being taller than 5 foot, it helped me live out all my pedophile driven fantasies. Love always B.
AzNgirls give the best back massages (they also give the best head) To that fucking bithc the combed back in campbell, I don;’t know your name, butt if i did you would die a fucking horrible death of all imaginable consequences for what you did to me. it can’ t be forgiven, of all the lame brained ass backwards things to do, you had to do this one to me. I hate you and everything you stand for, i will shit and piss in your mouth if i could, i would love to drench your face in my man semen and repeatedly force blowjobs upon you. bukake has nothing on what i will do to you for borrowing my pen and not giving it back.
(have we learned nothing from our anger management classes. suppress the rage for decades and let it all out in one big boom where you go on a killing spree of as many (And I would also like to autistic children as possible. thank my ex for being under that’s the true way to do it. 3 feet tall, fulfilling all of my dwarvic sex driven fanta- If god had his real way of creating the world in seven days sies.) he would’ve spent the seventh Hey you fucking bashers of day cleaning up all the dirt, that Anne Frank, let me set the way there would be no black record straight (or gay) once people. and for all. It's not true that she (he would also flush the toicouldn't drive cuz she was a let to get rid of any asians) woman. It is true that she couldn't drive because she was Dutch. Dutch folks bike so much that they have nowhere to drive and almost no fucking place to put their fucking cars! So there. And, no, Anne Frank didn't have a mom in a wheelchair. If her mom had a wheelchair, it would be hell screwing behind that bookcase... (Dutch people don’t have cars because they have no where to go, it’s because of their wooden shoes. Have you ever tried driving with wooden shoes before, it’s really hard, especially if you’re also wearing a wooden jockstrap. Think about it fora second, then think about the splinters.) if you're ever bored and hate your roomate, you should jizz all over his eyes while he's sleeping, so that when he wakes up, he can't open his eyes and he'll think he's blind. (you don’t even have to hate your roommate for that to be funny, you don’t even have to be bored. Just remember to jizz in his eyes and not your own though.
Personals Personals
To enter a raffle for free chocolate breast milk, please send any of your stupid, inquiries, comments, or retorts to olsentwins@seductive.com. Mmmmm... Chocolatey Delicous A Drunks Remorse to mike, I bought Shakira for Also by the Drunken Mob you, she’s waiting in your dorm (will the madness ever room right now.... did you end?) look? Ha Ha, Psych, it’s just With my head in the toilet, I Christina Aguiliera; Happy tried to avoid thinking of V.D. Day Focker... whose ass had been there last. (Oh I know that holiday, it’s Judging from the smell and the on Smarch 14th. The Eve of taste of the feces I was forced the Ides of Smarch.) to devour, he had shrimp for thank god for jack daniels, dinner. I tried to resist the urge cigarettes, and cocoa pebbles to pull my head out, but the (don’t forget the muslim life of my hamster Wyziwig hookers, they give the best was on the line. If I was to see head... mostly because him again, I had to endure the they’ve always craved for toilet of doom. I lifted my head in triumph as brown streaks sausage) encompassed my lips, only to discover, in horror that Wyziwig had been earlier killed. The rage built up in my loins as I unleashed my super dong attack.
Oh if only Grammies were penises, we would all be in pornographic heaven. Well you can always come to the Medium Meeting tonight at 9:30 on CAC in Frelinghuysen and pretend they are penises with the rest of us
The super dong attack, a technique used in ancient chink town, is reminiscent of inspector gadgets gadgets. I screamed, “Go go super dong attack” and my wang enlarged to gargantuan proportions. Yet the attack would not quit, as it quickly destroyed the stall, crushing those on either side. It soon tore down the walls of the restrooms, and instantly hundreds of people were clutching my giant cock for their lives. It was at this moment Wyziwig’s ghost appeared before me. He said, “Damn man, you put me to shame, this is the worst fucking thing ever.” The personals editors would like to thank the creators of all websites with a countdown to our 18th birthday, they really make us feel special inside, but not the same kind of a warm throbbing cock.
What’s Shakin’
“Every time I punch someone in the face I’ll think of you.”
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
New Jersey Wed 2/5 - Greenwheel - Birch Hill Wed 2/5 - D4 - Maxwell’s Thur 2/6 - Most Precious Blood - Krome Fri 2/7 - Railroad Earth - The Stone Pony Sat 2/8 - Jup, Strength in Numbers - Birch Hill Sat 2/8 - The Queers, Antigone Rising - Maxwell’s Sat 2/8 - King’s X, Hat Trick of Misery - The Stone Pony Mon 2/10, Tue 2/11 - Bon Jovi - Continental Airlines Arena Wed 2/12 - Trust Co., Depswa - Birch Hill Wed 2/12 - Hot Rod Circuit - Maxwell’s Thur 12/13 - The Juliana Theory, Something Corporate - Birch Hill Fri 2/14 - The Toasters - Maxwell’s Sat 2/15 - The Pietasters - Maxwell’s
Don’t you wish you could be as flexible as this guy?
Send events to orgykarma@yahoo.com
Come to the Medium meeting! Tonight at 9:30, Frelinghuysen B-4 (last one on College Ave before we go back to Livingston)
http://www.themedium.net
New York Wed 2/5 - Dismemberment Plan - Bowery Ballroom Wed 2/5 - The Pretenders - Beacon Theatre Wed 2/5 - Henry Rollins - Town Hall Wed 2/5, Thur 2/6 - Finch, The Used, The Movielife - Irving Plaza Wed 2/5, Thur 2/6 - The Pretenders - Beacon Theatre Fri 2/7 - The Donnas, OK Go - Irving Plaza Fri 2/7 - The Apples In Stereo, Oranger, stellastarr* - Bowery Ballroom Sat 2/8 - Los Lobos - Irving Plaza Sun 2/9, Mon 2/10 - Aimee Mann, Duncan Sheik - Irving Plaza Sun 2/9 - Tue 2/11 - Supergrass - Bowery Ballroom Tue 2/11 - The Juliana Theory, Something Corporate - Irving Plaza Thur 2/13 - Jeffrey Gaines - B.B. King Blues Club & Grill