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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XIV
KKK to Obama: “Scoreboard! Scoreboard!” Washington, D.C.- White supremacists today pulled what historians are now calling “a dick move” by reminding Obama that he is just one President out of forty four who is not white. “Scoreboard! Scoreboard!” said Ku Klux Klan media correspondent Larry White. Although the KKK is confident that they have accurate figures, it is still contested that Rutherford B. Hayes (Republican) was actually the first African-American President. Hayes, elected President in 1876 took Samuel J. Tilden (Democrat) to the proverbial hoop by being the only President elected through a Congressional Commission and also displaying some sweet Krunk moves. During his Presidency, he ordered U.S. troops to fire upon striking factory workers while yelling the phrase “Potomac Riverside Mothafuckas!”
You Totally Knew the Answer to That Question in Class Yesterday New Brunswick, NJ- Yesterday’s class proved a difficult one to sit through after you were going to answer the professor’s question but you weren’t sure if it was the right answer so you kept your hand down and let someone else handle it. But when that douche in the front row said the same exact thing you were going to say, you totally texted your friend about it. I mean seriously, you totally would’ve had that one. Whatever. Like you care right? “Caring about class is totally gay” your mind just said. “I bet that kid watches some weird anime show or something that is about big tits and robots. Yeah, what a fag. You’re glad you’re not him.”
50¢
February 4th, 2009
Harmonix Debuts ‘Street Busking Hero’ at Video Game Conference BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
San Francisco, CA- Even though Harmonix, the company behind popular franchises such as Guitar Hero and Rock Band, has enough money to finance a small war in the Middle East, they are constantly researching new ideas to revolutionize the video game industry. After two months wait, Harmonix announced at the International Conference for Video Games that it is going to release Street Busking Hero later this month. “Finally, people can pretend like they are living on the street, making 23 cents a day and sucking a dick for crack each night” said head games designer Mitch Detweiler. “Players can choose from 13 real life improvised instruments used by the homeless in major US cities.” Similar to Rock Band’s peripheral devices, Street Busking Hero employs the traditional guitar and drum set with some new additions like the dirty pickle drums, half empty bottle of Johnny Walker Red and straws taped together to form a Peruvian Pan-Flute.
Pictured here is the entry-level starter pack accessories for $1,200 On top of the new instruments, the songs have been revamped to take full advantage of destitute life including a “bum solo” mode where players can rack up impressive scores by raving on about government mind control or fluoride in the water. The game itself will retail for about $65 with peripheral instruments costing about $188 each bringing the cost for the full experience up to $2,509 USD.
“I think that the desire to pretend like you are filthy and jobless, occupying the same piece of pavement for weeks at a time outweighs the cost of the experience” explained Harmonix CEO Brad Fisher. “The upshot is that this game will make you poor enough so you have to use your new found homeless skills to survive. Who says kids aren’t getting enough outside time these days?”
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