02/04/04

Tacos, Burritos and Chalupas

No, really in next week’s issue this time...

Meet The Medium

“My penis sees your sun and it’s certainly not going back into my pants, that means 6 more minutes ‘til I’m limp again”

The Medium OPINIONS

“I wish I could be the Incredible Hulk”

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

Stanley and the shitty…

I *heart* Public Transportation

By Michael Stanley

by Aija McKenzie, Opinions Editress

Editor in Chief eic@themedium.net

If Carrie Bradshaw can be fabulous without a car, can I? This is my fifth year living with a driver’s license, and my fifth As I’m sure you’ve already seen and heard tons of times, a bare year living without a car. You’ve gotta feel bad for my carless breast was shown on CBS during the MTV half-time show. Justin “I peers and I - nobody to take us to the f’in grocery store, not was the first man to have sex with Britney Spears” Timberlake tore off being able to drive to the movies, restaurants, and strip clubs. a piece of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe to expose her nipple covered It’s quite a life we lead where the bus schedules rule our lives. with a sun-type nipple ring. Amazed, 140-million viewers were For example, I can’t go anywhere before 7:30am (not that I’d shocked to see the cloth torn away from Janet’s costume. What was want to, but I have to once a week), and the drunk bus is a first an accident now has been admitted as a stunt gone wrong. travesty all in itself - who wants to take the scenic route around Shame on you MTV! Justin Timberlake has been quoted as saying, Rutgers New/Brunswick/Piscataway at 4am? Somehow it seems “I popped Spears’ cherry, and now I’ve kicked off Black History as though it has to stop at every campus before it can stop at Month 2004 as well as exposing the first tit on local TV” yours. Whenever anybody wants to go somewhere off-campus, you have to be the dirtbag that always needs a ride. So you skulk The masses and executives are upset with the lack of around with your hands in your pockets, trying to mentally count professionalism shown my MTV and the fact that they green-lighted how many seats people have free in their cars, and trying to a move so risqué, it’s only fitting that it’s come back to bite MTV in the figure out who’s going your way. That is, if you’re one not one ass. It started back when Britney kissed Madonna who then kissed of those ungrateful dirtbags who begs people to give them rides Christina, isn’t it sad that MTV a once reputable station has to sink to the Towers on Livingston when they live at Henderson on so low in an attempt to get more viewers and exposure?

Douglass. Don’t be that guy. It’s enough that you need to bum a ride, so make it as convenient as possible. You should put on I remember when MTV, Music Television, concentrated on playing your sad, kicked puppy face, and say “Can you give me a ride to music videos. The station is now filled with reality-type TV shows that College Ave? Then I can take a bus to (insert faraway, inconvenient are cheap to produce and sadly loved by the idiot masses. I know campus here).” If you can look pitiful enough, and your friends many have argued this same argument, however it’s gotten worse actually give a shit about you (especially if it’s raining), they might as the time has passed. When I turn on MTV I want to see Music actually give you a ride all the way home.

Videos. When I turn on VH1 I want to see I love the 80s. MTV may I can’t speak for everyone else, but all my apt-mates have think that they have improved the station with shows like The Real cars, thereby making me feel like the hugest, poorest loser on World and Road Rules, but there comes a time when enough is earth. However, that’s not the case. People like us, we just get enough. MTV Blows, and I can’t wait to see how the FCC fines shit on, and as they say, “It be’s that way sometimes.” First of them. all, a lot of college kids get cars from their family, like their mom’s EIC Note - My above editorial box is exactly 311 words. How strange is that? used car, or someone’s aunt’s car. My family’s got no cars.

Black people don’t have extra shit like cars laying around. At least not my family. The other big obstacle is insurance. Some kids have nice parents that pay for insurance. I dunno if these kids are lucky, or if I just have mean parents. Somehow I got stuck with two parents who totally got fucked over by their parents, so they think that by just keeping me on their health insurance and buying me the occasional bag of groceries, they’re #1 Mom and Pop. I say they’re mean. Or at least tight-fisted.

So where does that leave us, the “always needing a ride” Steve Polychronopolouses of America? Look at the bright side.

We don’t have to set aside money for gas. We don’t have to worry about finding a place to park. There’s no such thing as a DUI when you take the bus home form the bar. Technically, since we don’t have to worry about gas, insurance, car payments, repairs, or tickets, you’d think we’d have more money, but that’s another issue. We have to do what I do every time I think about why I don’t have a car. Suck it up, and when you do need a ride, don’t be a dick - contribute.

fffHey Sloppy Bastards!

Since you already broke your New Years’ Resolution to eat right, why don’t you just come down to a Medium Meeting, 9:15PM, LSC 111, fatty!

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8

Gordo Chunky Zaftig Big-Boned Fat Husky Heavyset

Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Michael Stanley

Huge Bitch Titties What’s Shakin

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Stanley Ned Berke Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Brian Dwane Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors Ryan Beckman Tristan Ross Photographer Tristan Ross What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor (Chris)Topher Holt Advertising Manager Michael Stanley Staff Artist Your Momma Senior Editor Ryan Beckman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to sticking to diets you started for New Years and getting that ass to the gym! SWEAT!

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

“Do you think I’m a Nasty Girl?”

How To Survive New Brunswick Winters

and now, in honor of Black History Month, a very special...

by Amy Groark, Staff Lurker

Everywhere I go on campus I hear people bitching about the weather - “How can they make us go to school? We got two inches of snow last night!”

Others whine about how cold it is when there’s ankledeep puddles from melted snow. Bellyache no more, people of Rutgers; I have some helpful tips to survive the grueling month of slightly-below-freezing temperatures that small birds bear better than you.

1. Wear a hat. Up to 50 percent of your body heat is lost through your head, and those Queer Eye approved ear warmers don’t cut it.

2. Dress in layers. That means more than a bra and a coat (you too, fellas). The more layers of air you have trapped between yourself and the elements, the warmer you’ll be.

3. For the love of God, DON’T WEAR HEELS. (once again, you too boys.) I’m sure they’re fine for the city, but here we have uncivilized things like grass and other ground surfaces that aren’t completely flat. That makes for especially bad traction when there’s the least bit of snow or ice. So when you have a class in some far-flung building like Ruth Adams, you can smile smugly to yourself as you pass some baby-stepping prissy blonde in your phat snow boots.

Retorts to Whitey

By Nedaka Berkoo

So, niggas, since I am a public figga nigga in the Rutgers community, peoples have been askin’ mah ass what I think of all this election shit.

Usually, I says, “Motherfucka’, what the fuck? You knows the white man be fuckin’ up! What do ya think I think?” and then they says, “Calm down nigga Nedaka, you too tough for me.” Then I says, “Tonka tough!”

Sho’ nuff, so you bitch asses stop asking me, I’ll tell ya my opinion. First off, in a few short words, here’s what I think of the candidates: ·

· ·

·

Food for thought: Sex Sells, but should we always put it out there? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a reality show-whore (within reason, as in I can’t watch anything aired by FOX). I watched the latest installment of Trump’s Apprentice show, and the women won the contest by dresing in tight T-shirts and parading themselves as the “Shooters Girls” in order to get men to buy shots at the bar. The women later got reprimanded by Trump, because although sex sells, these intelligent women didn’t need to stoop to that level. Personally, I would have hired girls to do that, instead of exploiting my own body, but is that just as bad?

Also, is the age old “using what you’ve got to get what you want” really just selling yourself short?

Tell me, ladies (and guys, too), is selling sex empowering or degrading?

Hey Barbie, you look so energized! Have you been taking your Valtrex to control those genital outbursts? No? Then you must have SUBMITTED YOUR OPINION OR EDITORIAL TO OPINIONS@THEMEDIUM.NET!

The Medium EDITORIALS

·

Wesley Clark – Motherfucka’, what the fuck?

Yo ass look like Skeletor from He-Man: Masters of the Motherfuckin’ Universe. Yeah, I’ve got the power, biatch!

John Kerry – Congrats, cracka. You’ve won in Iowa. Have you ever seen a black man in Iowa? I thought not. Cracka ass cracka.

Al Sharpton – This nigga put way too much Krazy Glue™ on his bitch ass head. Shit sank right in. He’s got to know a black man could never be in the White House – the First Ho’s would repaint that shit in leopard print, replace Air Force One with a Cadillac with mad bling bling, bitches, malt liquor, and fried chicken everywhere. Actually, I’m kinda likin’ the sound of this shiznat. Fuhshizzle.

Howard Dean – Did you see this guy after the Iowa caucus? A lot of people say he has no connection to our community – but its clear this fucker is supportin’ a lot of niggas with the amount of crack he buys off of em.

George W. Bush – Oh man. Stop beating around the bush and beat the motherfuckin’ Bush already. Motherfucka’, what the fuck?

And here’s me on the issues, bitch: ·

·

· · ·

Jobs/economic well-being – Shit, I’ve gotta support mah families somehow. But gettin’ a job sho’ ain’t it. I think sittin’ on a milk crate drinkin’ a colt serves me fine, nigga.

Welfare Reform – Mo’ money, niggas! Woot!

Woot! The only reform those crackas do better be to give mah ass mo’ money and still not need to get off mah damn crate, bitch.

Criminal Justice – I didn’t do nothin’. Fuck the po-po.

Education – Mo’ kids in school is good for the economy. I mean my economy. They’s some good weed buyers.

War in Iraq – Man, I’m all for it. Muslims are the new niggas, and that’s good.

That’s that, bitch. But we all know the truth – we black people don’t vote, man. We gotta man our crates, nigga. Shit, I mean, nigga please – I’m just gonna sit here smokin’ mah ganja singin’ “I was gonna vote / ‘til I got high. / Now the countries fucked, / ‘cause I got high. / ‘cause I got high. / ‘cause I got high.” Motherfucka… what the fuck?

The Medium NEWS

“Baby, when you fuck me, I stay fucked.”

Groundhog Sees Shadow; Nuclear Winter Is Upon Us

by The Volcano Worshipper

Fun With Handicap(able)s

By Harry Jennings and Brazen Sarcasm World famous Physicist Steven Hawking has recently contracted to produce a video game with none other than skateboard star Tony Hawk. This video game predicted to revolution the extreme sport gaming industry. The game will be title Steven Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2, and will have feature tournament mode where you can pit the almighty wheelchair experts against the skate Gods.

Tony Hawk’s skate team consists of such stars as Bucky Lasik, John White, Bob Burnquist, Steve Caballero, and Kareem Campbell while Steven Hawking’s team features legends none other than the impeccable Christopher Reeves, Franklin D. Roosevelt, soul singer Teddy Pendergrass, and the woman from the stairclimber commercials as a secret character.

Rumor has it that the physics engine will be utlra-realistic.

The release date for Steven Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2 is set for sometime in July, kicking off with their east coast skate tour. "Five bucks will be donated to the Youth Wheelchair Recreation Program from each purchase. So go out their and by the game so some kid who got fucked in life can have your money," said Steven Hawking.

Ice, Ice, Icy-Hot

By The Human Torch With the upcoming visit by my all time favorite OG rap artist and personal idol, the one and only Vanilla Ice, my heart has been aflutter. I spent about two day’s trying to come up with some way to pay tribute to him, my initial instinct being a pile of dead babies left in his dressing room, dead babies with vanilla Mohawks that is, fell short due to the unknown whereabouts of his dressing room.

About to give up hope, I was suddenly struck by inspiration following a long discussion about the effects of icyhot on male genitalia. What happens if you put Icyhot® on a nipple I began to wonder, would it become erect during the icy, and rested during the hot? I had to know for myself, because Vanilla Ice is so damned hot.

I set out to get these answers and more Thursday night down on good ole frat row. I figured to be the most accurate; I would need to test on women of all colors and STI backgrounds.

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

The night began in a typical frat house amongst a flock of sorostitues foaming at the mouth, mostly from the roofies, but also because of the various STI’s and general madness from their unprotected sex drives.

One by one I tested my theories on women with all different STI’s, black, cracker, and aZn (Asian slang). Nipples change color with the rest of skin color and bacteria, so it lead for some interesting results.

My theory proved true for the blacks and crackers, nipples up with the ice, down with the warm. The aZn’s however, were foaming due to some mad-dog meat that had eaten and resulted inversely, nips down with ice and extra high during the heating process. This nipple is for you, Robert Van Winkle, definer of the one hit wonder. Oh how wonderful. (Editor’s note, I’m still not quite sure what this article is about, but a fine piece of investigative journalism nonetheless. Kudos to you, Human Torch!)

This past Monday, Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, saw his shadow. However, according to the associated press, he also made a proclamation stating that he is glad to be "in this luxurious burrow on the knob" (how? groundhogs can't talk!) as opposed to in some "dirty smelly spider hole", like Saddam Hussein. So obviously, what Phil means is that the world as we know it is about to end, and he feels fine in his multi-million dollar underground residence on Gobbler's Knob. Unless you are a celebrity, like Phil, you won't afford to save yourself from the ensuing nuclear atrocity. Saddam is gonna bomb us all and nobody is going to survive. Nobody, that is, except for Punxsutawney Phil.

NY Times Study Concludes: Those Who Use Text Messages Are Idiots

By Brian Dwane “They have the phone right in front of them, but instead of calling someone they spend minutes typing insignificant sentences, so with scientific backing, we have concluded that these people are idiots,” commented Dr. Freelong, a scientist of Harvard University, yesterday morning.

The study consisted of three hundred individuals, who frequently use the text messaging feature on their cell phones. “We observed that these people have a complex where they are unable to see answers that are obviously right in front of them. The same people who spend minutes typing out letters instead of calling also eat with their hands, mow their lawns with scissors, and use medieval techniques instead of modern medicine. We can only conclude that people who use the text messaging function on phones are idiots.” (article continued pg 20)

Bill O’Reilly Disowns Son For Being Liberal By New York - In a recent turn of events, popular syndicated, outspoken, conservative, fair and balanced talk show host Bill O’Reilly has reportedly disowned his only son, B.J. O’Reilly, for possessing liberal propaganda. “My son had a copy of Living History, by that femi-nazi Hillary Clinton, under his bed. I’ve lost him, I no longer have a son,” Bill wept to a Medium reporter in an exclusive interview. “And when I asked the American public for their opinion via an online Bill O’Reilly poll, they overwhelmingly supported my decision, 97% saying they agreed,” Bill continued, “that means only 3% of the respondents were registered hippies.” When asked for comment, B.J. maintained that he was only reading the book to catalogue mistakes for a future editorial in the Wall Street Journal.

“Actually,” B.J. said, “I’m quite conservative. I voted for Bush in the last election and half of my salary goes to the Bush ’04 campaign. My dad didn’t want to hear it, though. He said I was entering a ‘spin zone.’” B.J. explained, “I’ll live with it, Sean Hannity said I can crash in his pool house for the time being, until my dad comes to his senses.” In a related story, Bill is also suspicious of his wife for participating in ‘spinning’ classes three nights a week at her gym.

www.themedium.net

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

“It merely pleases me to behave in a certain way to what appears to be a cat.”

The Medium NEWS

Super Bowl Shenanigans!!

The Breast Part of the Halftime Show was the End By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor Houston - Football fans got a tit, err, bit more than they bargained for during the Super Bowl Halftime Show this Sunday night. What they expected was a montage of songs by overrated musical acts, what they got was a montage of songs by overrated musical acts, oh and a ½ second glimpse of Janet Jackson’s bare breast.

CBS officials have apologized over and over, and have forbidden MTV from ever producing another Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Well that should just about put MTV out of business.

MTV officials have also apologized over and over, and have forbidden CBS from ever letting them produce another Super Bowl Halftime Show. Justin Timberlake apologized, “I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable.” He then added, to his personal publicist, “I touched a booby! I’m never gonna wash this hand again! That was almost better than sucking off a crack head!”

1.

2.

This reporter wasn’t even aware that wardrobes could malfunction, I though that only robots and spaceship computers malfunctioned. I don’t think boobies malfunction either, they just pop out from time to time, just like my nuts.

This reporter thinks there were deeper forces at work, as only a minion of pure evil could have planned the exposure of Janet Jackson’s virginal tit. And I have, with the help of a friend, located several flaws in the “unintentional poppage” argument.

Streaker Leaves Crowd “Hanging”

By Tie Adeline Porn Star Extraordinaire Houston – Apparently some people didn’t think that Janet Jackson’s boob was enough nudity for one Super Bowl. Mark Roberts, a man who considers himself a professional streaker, well, streaked across Reliant Stadium’s field only to be leveled by linebacker Matt Chatham, and escorted to jail by security personnel.

This wasn’t his first time.

Roberts has streaked at no fewer than 273 events in the past 10 years. In contrast, The Medium has printed no more than 260 issues in the past 10 years. This is a bit more than a hobby to Roberts. According to a recent article on Espn.com’s Page 2, “Roberts is 38, unemployed, has three kids and lists streaking as his full-time unpaid job.”

CBS did not air the streaking on Sunday, as the main camera was not focused on that part of the field. Luckily for them, Mark was stopped before he could get himself on air. Otherwise CBS would have had to dodge two separate indecency incidents in one Super Bowl, and I don’t know, John, but I think that’s a postseason record.

Roberts has done many different events internationally, such as soccer games, rugby, Wimbledon, golf matches, even at casinos and television shows. If you’ve ever had a picture forwarded to you via email, of a naked man running across a putting green with the words “19th hole” painted on his backside, that’s Roberts. He has amassed thousands in travel expenses and event admission expenses. He has amassed thousands more in citations. There are four warrants out for his arrest for unpaid streaking tickets. It is not likely that his tab will get any smaller soon.

If this was a truly unintentional showing of the booby, why was Ms. Jackson wearing an Egyptian sun decoration on her areola? Does she always take to the stage wearing skin tight pleather catsuits with metal nipple decorations? I think not.

I can’t put this accusation any better than my co-researcher put it, if this was accidental why was she wearing “snap-off booby covers?” Snap off booby covers indeed.

You wily MTV and CBS execs are going to have a lot more questions to answer from the decent, family-values readership that this paper has. We don’t want smut interfering with our Super Bowl experience. Hell, we didn’t like putting the blown-up pictures of Janet Jackson’s boob on this page in an attempt to gain more readership either.

Why? Because we’re a decent, family-values newspaper, that’s why.

This Wednesday night, you can either head over to Tillet for the bug souffle, or you can come to the Medium Meeting! 9:15 LSC 111

And once you’ve finished your bugs, you might want to write some News articles. But then again, you might want to vomit instead.

Who am I to tell you what to do?

But if you do choose to write News articles, send them to news@themedium.net Bugs are yummy.

The Medium “Q: What weighs 6 oz, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?”

Wednesday February 4 GMG Lady Nympho: Spits Swallows Speaks; The life and times of Raoul Dan: Confessions of a Porn Star By: Raoul Dan

th

Ocean Gate, Part 2 The drive to the local Pathmark was without incident. It had rained briefly, and the road was reflecting a quite pretty glow up onto the windshield. Driving almost felt spiritual. But then the Shark began to have a coronary. The gauges light up like a Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza. And then, the Shark coughed, sputtered, and died. Not good.

We exited the car to get a proper assessment of the situation. Lifting the hood, we figured we were about a half-mile from the house, with no phone and no way to discover the problem. But we gave it the good ole college try.

Sliding out the dipstick, we saw it had not a drop of oil on it. In fact, there was not a drop of oil anywhere in the engine.

Well, at least we figured out the problem. Perhaps it was some kind of factory installed safety feature to keep us from seizing the engine and giving the Shark a heart attack it would never recover from.

The Vet came to the conclusion that the Shark was merely thirsty, and offered the rest of his Corona to quench the mighty beast’s dehydration. I quickly realized I should have had Dr. Squid come with me. The drugs weren’t cooked up yet; he would have had a more sober head on his shoulders.

But Lady Luck smiled upon us once again. A car was coming down the street, driven by a cute little blonde. Thinking quickly, the Vet and I flagged her down, and asked for a ride somewhere oil could be purchased. She was more then happy to oblige, and so I left the Vet sitting on the hood of the Shark on guard duty, eating his Phish Phood ice cream.

The ride to the store was of little event, paused only to pick-up the blonde girl’s friend from work. Having acquired the oil needed to nourish my car back to health, the three of us piled into the car, and the girls were down for a party that we could happily give them.

As we were entering into the town limits of Ocean Gate once again, I became aware of that the blonde girl was an animal lover. I realized this when she swerved to avoid some little four-legged shore-rat, and promptly ran her car into one tree, which it bounced off of, directly into another tree.

Before I realized that the warm sensation in my lap was actually her pet dog, a flashlight was aimed into the car, and a booming and authoritative voiced asked, “Have any of you been drinking tonight?” Luckily, it was not a cop, but I knew immediately that it was my time to exit. Telling the girls I needed to get back to my car, I offered a quick apology, thank you, and directions to the house, in case they wanted a beer or two to relax.

Walking down the street that humid night, I quickly became aware that I had no idea how to get back to my car. Oops. Eventually, the scenery began to look familiar, but the Vet had disappeared. Worried that the cops might have gotten to him, I made a mad dash for the car, just in time to see him coming around from behind another parked car, a little more relieved then he had been when he first went back there.

Filling up the car with oil, we were painfully aware that we were now quite a few hours behind schedule. The car still didn’t start though. But it seemed natural that the oil would need some time to circulate, and though neither of us said it, we began to pray that the problem really was with the lack of oil. But common sense was poking its serpentine head in, and hinting that something worse was happening. But that would wait. We had quite a distance to push the car, and so we began.

By the time we got back, it was already quite late, and in an effort to get the oil levels up to where they should be (I was only able to obtain one quart), we quickly burglarized the tool-sheds and garages in a one-block radius. It was then we realized that the entire time we were gone, Dr. Squid had been left alone with the K. We hoped there would be some of it left.

And sure enough, when we got in the house, the good doctor was curled up on the floor, watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We knew what this meant. Less drugs then we had started out with. But no matter, there was still plenty of booze, and we got right into it.

It wasn’t long before the entire night had the warm fuzz of intoxication, and it was at some point well into our first case of beer that the girls showed up. If they were annoyed that I had run, they didn’t show it. I offered them a drink, and then set out to get as fucked-up as humanly possible. It had been a long day, and I needed to get a nice crunk on.

Will the shark come back to life? What will happen to our protagonist...find out in the next issue of The Medium.

Medium Meeting, 9:15 LSC 111. Be there it’s where all of this weeks contributing writers are...having sex with your girlfriend.

, 2003

I love sex. I could have it all day, everyday, anywhere I go.

People view that as a taboo, a sin, a disgrace. I, on the other hand, could care less about what other people think. Sex is a part of life, and if you got it, use it while it lasts!

So what makes me a nympho? Well the fact that sex is like a drug to me my bread, my water could be one reason. Maybe the fact I am in porn and am an independent escort could be the other. Or, possibly the fact that I’ll see an attractive guy, walk up to him and say, “We’re fucking tonight.” (Little did I expect the first time I did this it was going to work.) Not a day goes by without me either masturbating or fucking the shit out of some poor, unsuspecting guy that just can’t say “no” to temptation.

I’m not easy. Not by a long shot. For all the people who try to put me down because I escort or do pornography are just too stuck in their fear to except their capabilities, and yet these people are the ones downloading it onto their computers. I do what everyone else fantasizes and I enjoy it. While everyone else is hiding in their bathrooms jacking off or instant messaging the guy they fucked last night asking for him not to tell anyone, I’m admitting, “Yea, I fucked him, so what.”

I have I like to reach down to my tight wet accepted and pussy and stroke it gently, reach up, embraced my sexuality and ability lick my fingers and then stroke it a to flaunt it, and flaunt little more, and more, and more... it well.

Just because I can ride a dick like there’s no tomorrow, or blow one like the world is going to end and you need one last fond memory, doesn’t mean I’m not human and I don’t deserve anything you do. Some people may get a job working on cars, others in a restaurant. I’m good at sex and I use it to my advantage. I do normal things like go to the movies and hang out with friends. I’m just a college student who likes to be who I am and not let anyone bring me down!

Just because I like to reach down to my tight wet pussy and stroke it gently, reach up, lick my fingers and then stroke it a little more, and more, and more, until my eyes roll back, my jaw drops, and my entire body begins to tingle until a exploding moan echoes through the entire house and cum oozes in my sweet young pussy, doesn’t mean I can’t get a college education here at Rutgers University.

Lady Nympho just needs to remind everyone, that just because a guy is big doesn’t mean he can work it, and just because he’s small he can’t! Trust me I know!

Drinking Game of the Week: Beer Hunter By: Beerman Greetings and salutations faithful Medium reader. This week we have a simple drinking game that will get you sloppy drunk. And let me take this opportunity to emphasize sloppy. All you need to play is a couple of people, some beers, and a box. Take one of the beers and shake it.

And don’t just shake it like a Polaroid “Crikey! Let’s Hunt pitcha, I’m telling you to shake that bitch Some Beers!” like a British nanny shakes a baby. Remember The Simpsons episode where Bart puts the beer can in the paint shaker? I’m thinking something like that. Next, hide the now explosive beer in the box with all the other beers. Take turns pulling the cans out, and opening them towards you face. If you don’t get showered in beer, chug the contents. Continue doing this until someone gets hosed. They are now out. Shake up another beer and repeat the process until only one person remains. We call this person the winner. Have fun, and remember, if you must drive after drinking, drive really fast, that way you’ll get home quicker, and there’s less of a chance someone will get hurt.

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

The Medium FEaTUreS

“A: Why, a sparrow with a machine gun, of course. ”

Black on Rice – Ways to please your man or woman.

By Chocolate Thunda In light of Black Supremacy Month, I’m writing on behalf of all the dogs kickin’ it real to the white women, and the sistas kickin it to all the cracka men. To all the sistas, give it to your man with a white strap on and let ‘em know how it felt to be fucked by the white man. Give ‘em the ole Donkey Punch for the road while you’re at it to break the racial tension. To all you brothas out there, make her strap on a black dildo and tell her how good it feels to be seduced by some of the great black men in history like Shaft and Fat Albert. When you finally finish, remind her that she’s movin’ on up, and black supremacy flows through you like a giant chocolate river passing under the hershey highway. Finally, hand her the confederate flag and demand a reach-around. BLACK RAGE!!

Next week in the Medium: Bush reveals Nazi tendencies. Also next week, I’ll be printing YOUR submission. That’s right, you write it, and I’ll print it. Just send your story/article/drinking game/picture to features@themedium.net. Nazis like George W. Bush shouldn’t waste their time submitting, because I hate them, and won’t print their submissions. Unless they’re funny.

Ya y ! L e t s h e a r i t f o r Random Boobs!

Come see Random Boobs tonight at the Medium Meeting, 9:15 in LSC Room 111 . B e t h e r e , o r b e chaste.

This One’s for the Ladies...

By: Rectum D.N. Killedum

This ad paid for by Friends of Sharpton. To show your support for Rev. Al Sharpton, come to a Medium Meeting at 9:15 in LSC Room 111. Just don’t make the mistake of confusing Sharpton with Jesse Jackson. He’ll castrate you for that. I know. I miss my twig and berries.

Ok, this story is, I’m sure, one that everyone will experience in their lifetime. For whatever reason, my friend, who I will call Jeff, decided to break up with his girlfriend and then proceeded to have sex with her a couple of weeks later. This in itself is not really much for concern.

So that night, he comes in and he says, “You’ve got to hear this story.”

He recounts his night’s encounter, and well this is how it went. Apparently his ex had a little trouble letting go of the relationship, and Jeff being a horny, horny bastard, decided once more to lay claim to the Virgin Islands. So during the sex, which was, by his description violent and several tens of Abortion seconds long, he pulls out to discover that his condom had broken. Now, he’s laughing his ass off, as I just stare at him blankly looking perplexed.

He had called various friends to tell them of what had happened, and was given some sagely advice, “Run like you just fucked an animal in public.” So what he decided to do was, call his ex up and told him to come over my place, there he was waiting for her behind a wall, and when she turned the corner, punched her straight in the gut and the face for good measure. He then proceeded to chase her around with an old rusty coat hanger we had lying around until she fled in terror. A few days later, she calls up and says, “I missed my period.” He then went to her place and pushed her down some stairs. We all laughed at that one. So, yeah, he’s going to be a dad. Jeff’s a funny guy.

The Medium ARTS

“You weren’t only half-jewing the show!”

What the hell happened to Pauly Shore? by: Brian Dwane Pauly Shore became the darling of the MTV crowd with his burned-out California mastery of 'dude-speak' persona. But his roots go deep into comedy's history; his father was a veteran of the Catskill circuit and his mother runs the Comedy Club in Los Angeles. At the peak of his popularity in the early '90s, he issued a series of LPs including Scraps from the Future, The Future of America and Pink Diggily Diggily; after a number of poorly-received films and a short-lived sitcom, he disappeared from the public eye. In 2000, Pauly reemerged as the acting instructor at the Dell institute for incoming interns. He invented the catch-phrase “wassup,” which he now collects royalties on. In 2003, he stunned the scientific world with his assertion that the world was truly flat. Pauly Shore, is alive and well and will surely impress us with feats in 2004.

Movie Reviews By: Brian Dwane Lord of the Rings: (45,056 Dwane points) Although, the movie was good, Peter Jackson took a few liberties that detract from the plot of the book. He added a ninja and a robot to the clan of medieval adventurers, which seem to leave the time period that Tolkien was originally trying to portray to be clashing. Also, the grants the movie had gotten from advertisements seemed to soil it, because the random Pepsi signs in the middle of the woods really seemed to shatter the fantasy world that Tolkien created.

Stuck on You: (13 Dwane points) Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play Siamese twins in the Farrelly brother’s new hilarious romp. Greg Kinnear’s character finds out he’s gay and Matt Damon’s character is straight. It’s a laugh-o-rama when they realize that they only have one ass.

The Butterfly Effect: (600,010 Dwane points) After a depressing past, a young man (Ashton Kutcher) travels back in time to change some of the events. By changing the events in the past, he alters his future. When the movie is about to reach it’s climax, when we are about to find out how the future has been altered, suddenly Ashton bursts out from behind the screen and screams “You’ve all just been punk’d. You should have seen your faces! That was hilarious. You were all into it and stuff woah!”

Submit to the arts section, so you can read your reviews of movies, music or anything else arts related. If you’re not going to send me any submissions (arts@themedium.net) then the least you can do is come to this weeks meeting today, Wednesday at 9:15 PM in room 111 in the Livingston Student Center.

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

Album Reviews Hey everyone, it’s former arts editor The Volcano Worshipper here. Here’s my Top Ten: #1. Soundmurderer & SK-1: Rewind Records and Soundmurderer: Wired For Sound mix CD: Ragga-jungle went through sort of a revival this year, with several artists paying tribute to the early/mid-90s rave/ drum’n’bass sound. This compilation of recent 12"s and mix CD of old classics are absolutely brilliant and were 2 of my most played CDs this year. #2. Four Tet: Rounds: I didn’t think much of his previous album, but this one is amazing. Completely memorable, beautiful sample-based electronic compositions. #3. Lightning Bolt: Wonderful Rainbow: GO SEE THIS BAND LIVE. Then go buy this album and the band’s DVD. You’ll never be the same. #4. Enduser: 15 Tracks CD-R and various other CD-Rs, remixes, 12"s and MP3s: Somehow, a few indie webzines have started taking note of this Cincinnati breakcore artist’s tracks. This is a great thing, because they’re seriously some of the craziest, most beautiful tracks I’ve heard in a while. #5. King Geedorah: Take Me To Your Leader: Metal faced hip-hop villain MF Doom drops an incredible abstract sci-fi concept album in his mission to take over the world. #6. Microphones: Mt. Eerie: More difficult than some of their earlier albums, it pays off to let this one grow on you. An astonishing album, and unfortunately, probably their last. #7. Country Teasers: Secret Weapon Revealed At Last: Underrated crazy Scottish band releases one of their best albums yet. If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!!! #8. Belle & Sebastian: Dear Catastrophe Waitress: Overrated crazy Scottish band releases one of their best albums yet. If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!!! (just kidding, they’re not overrated.) #9. Eluvium: Lambent Material: Quite simply, the best ambient/chill/drone album of the year. #10. Tujiko Noriko: From Tokyo To Naiagara: Fourth and possibly best album by this incredible Japanese singer.

Beautiful sad electronic pop music.

The Volcano Worshipper’s Hour has a new time slot! It can now be heard every Friday from 2-4PM, only on WRSU, 88.7 FM, and streaming online @ www.nj.com/wrsu

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

“butterfly in the wind and I don’t care... I do, I don’t, whatever!”

The Medium PERSONALS

The Medium PERSONALS C- you’re my hero, i don’t know anyone else who can make me want to fuck them by vommiting on me while we kiss. i mean... maybe i’m just really comfortable because i know i can never do anything as bad as throwing up into YOUR mouth when my tongue is jammed down it but... godDAMN that was hot... thanks for the blowjob after... sorry my dong poked your dangly thing and maked you spew again. (that’s so hot it made me throw up... and then use the vomit as lube when i sexed up your little sister)

“maybe if my alarm clock gave me a blow job i’d wake up in the morning” Wednesday February 4th, 2003 Cruzan Rum Hit and Run... yo.... come and ride the cruze and run mobile.... juice car... pouch of rummmmmmmobile. fumble my chapstick raw... (paul likes the personals... so if you don’t... fuck off) ha ha, i'm graduating in may, everyone is going to keep getting the Rutgers Screw but me

(why would someone think it’s a good idea to graduate? is it the fact that you’re no longer able to have extended vacations? the fact that you now have a million times more responsibility or the fact that your neck explodes into a black and white cookie to that giant vagsicle i know... framed by oreos) stop beign such a giganticly personals to oversized vagsicle and admit send Personals@themedium.net and that your vagina is wider than you win a free punch in the the grand canyon face... with my fist... in your (it’s like fucking an inner face... punching... it tube....)

To that pimp adam in the north towers, i always see you with a different girl and i just wanna know WHY NOT ME?! I usually masterbate to you on thurs and sat nights after i come in from frat partys so why don’t you get some balls and come to the 6th floor around 3am and fuck my brains out! (when will bitches learn... just show up there... take your clothes off... take his clothes off and hop on his cock.)

Thursday Night Poker Game. post to the online personals for more details (themedium.net) (thursday night poker means hardcore man sex... but seriously... play ‘poker’) happy 21st bday to sarah aka blonde. awesome job taking 23 shots on ur 21st. now that ur legal dont kill urself and ur liver puhahaha. love u~ ur housemates

this area justifies the personals http://www.nothingg.org In loving memory to Nick Novielli, a former Rutgers Student and my best friend who passed away last January. Wish you were here. Rest in Peace wut da fuq happened ta da medium. dis here new paper wuz pure garbage. where da fuq iz all da racist jokes an’ offensive jokes thats salad tosser. rushing ta git da paper looking through fo’ da really pimp- tight jokes an’ found nuttin’ . atleast give us uh lot o’ naked pics if u kno u pimpz iz backing off da jokes dat made da medium in da first place. fucking asswipe editors. ah hope mike iz not responsible fo’ dis here cuz if ah see u in da streets ima squeeze yo’ whitey head in what the fuck sup now?

(this is long and not funny... but it gave this person a warm fuzzy feeling by sending it... so come to the meeting and hug me... i’m fuzzy) If you want to publish hate, then do it. But first, look at why you’re doing it. Why you feel the need to hate an entire group.

Maybe what you hate isn’t something within that group, but something within yourself.

Hate comes from fear, and whatever scares you most about anything starts within yourself. So conquer your fear and realize why you hate.I’m not saying don’t hate anyone.

I’m saying don’t hate a people as a whole. When someone screws with you, get pissed.

But get pissed at the person, not every person that shares their heritage. Groundless, mass hate only brings you down. If things are going to get better, we all need to raise ourselves above bigotry. Why shouldn’t you be the first?Now I challenge every one of you reading this. Look at any other personal and laugh at it. Find the one you find most offensive and look for the joke in it. Stop taking the blind, pointless anger of another person at your race, religion, or lifestyle as a personal offense. Instead feel pity for that person. And maybe, take the time to help that person realize why they hate. Yeah, it’s work, but if no one does anything about it, it’s not getting any better.

(ok ok... here’s a joke... a man walks into a bar... ouch. then... a woman picks up the bar and beats him merci(...don’t kill yourself, but if lessly... and rapes him with you don’t kill your liver... it... HAHA... wait... that’s not you’ll be a fraud.... it’s your a joke....) duty as a college student to The thing with an escalator is live life as a substance they're never broken....they just abuser.... oh yeah... and turn into stairs HAPPY BIRTHDAY. (this is the most profound Plays at the Cook Campus Center To the crusty cumstain who thought ever... but i still works at the Co-op. you an- fucking HATE when my noying tuft of ass hair. GOD!!! stairs don’t move) You are like a pubic hair caught myth + history = mystery in the back of my throat. You know...I never thought I'd be Is there any way I can not pay jealous of an ugly person until my fines?/you could do that I met you. When you talk, it's until you want to graduate i like horse shit is actually com- think ing out of your mouth. Your (it’s true... they have no pointless rambling makes me power) want to take an ice pick and fuck not being able to smoke stab myself in the ear with it. or light candles or burn the Friday the 13th. (Day before Valentine’s Day) It's either you or me so if you dorms down... it’s fucking don't kill yourself, I will be doors open at 9... tickets are $15 at the door... bullshit (this personal deeply ofFORCED to commit suicide. $10 in advance... student ID will get you one Actually...I bet that given the to the kid with the fire hair who fended me... but thanks... guest pass for a non RU student. option, everyone who meets was ahead by clearly and his thanks for being an to the girl with her car parked this boy was all like “i want to you for the rest of your life big mouth jew friend-hi! i miss asshole...? no... thanks for at CaaaaaC 15, please move give you a personal” but instead would choose an anal raping spendin time with you guys ;-) having one so the ‘staff’ can your vehicle off of my com- of writing me something... he with the business-end of a ham- we need to get the smash bros have our way with you... but puter and refrain from filling it just licked my pussy for half an mer over being in your crew back together one week- really... i like to eat candy.) with rum... wait no... do that. hour... it wasn’t the same presence.How do you manage end. i put a toy in the microwave one to fight the urge to slit your (i want to kill animated cud- time... and now whenever i use A place for CRAZY people wrists when you look in the dly... winky eye) my dildo... popcorn shoots out moor tun harelip dual cosmos Speak out loud- ice bank mice mirror and see your hideous of my vagina... is this normal? www.nedlovesthecock.com reflection you redheaded archipelago cluster elf (no... unless there is butter) counterintuitive case buttercup (I think maybe i’m just not FREAKSHOW!!!!! buss heartbreak scrimmage cool enough to understand (I don’t know about you... but Cum all over our Medium meeting certitude impasse bestselling this.) this made me want to go out tonight (wednesday you ignorant grosbeak influent and fuck a hammer.) fuck) at (see... people who are not me pizza box fuzzy bear i don’t thanks for the mystery per9:15 at the care about underwear. bob are crazy too....)

LSC in builds bridges under itches of sonal. whoever submitted it last ratty toenail googly moogly bitches stetching vaginal pot- week. ryan was that u? rock room 111... bring a elfen gnome on~beth ;) tery. friend (stuffed animals (if this is poetry... it’s too deep (what do you put in vaginal (It wasn’t not me... and i’m count) for me.) not not licking toads.) pottery?)

The Medium

“We’re gonna go Cruella De Vil on you.”

Wednesday February 4th, 2003 PERSONALS Awww cmon, I've sent one in the medium is a giant alien force Hey band geeks, shut toodles, cuntfucker before and it was published. I more violent and sick than any- the hell up allready. Some of This new personals title bar that last song blew us are actually trying to get laid. sucks ass. [Blow me - EiC] have a friend that goes to school thing Fiercly pump your hot and raw there and wanted to have her you can imagine.

And stop bitching about which I had a capri sun in my pocket. pole see this. Please try to publish (nah man, just a weather section is the "coolest". No one would believe me In my drippy warm hole Everytime I hear one of you say though. So, for everyone it. Nobody has to know it didnt balloon. ) Until I convulse and explode come from a rutgers address. that I want to punch you in the reading this I DID NOT PISS Dude ! She got fingered !

Gushy woman juice. face. But keep having disgust- MY PANTS ON FRIDAY ;-) Exquisite! ing sex with each other. That's (okay, there you go! ) ( so did my asshole! ) just fuckin hilarious. Please (sure you didnt pee pee boy ) why do people refer to sex as keep it out of the video next ass? the vagina is not an ass To that homo in the Computer time cantor.

Lab monday night rocking the (Only dumb frat guys use To that kid in my World of In- pirate patch and chatting it up THAT word in THAT consects class MW 4. You had a withthe redhead girl in the pintext. And frat guys really mohawk the first week of class stripe suite. You’re a loser and mean ass sex. Because they and then you buzzed it all off. your girlfriend with the blond are gay of course!)

And then you shaved your hair looks more like a dude, Really Anal Masturbating Into head. You suck dawg. Pick a when your eye gets better Zoo Insects So Greatly After hairstyle and stick with it, no maybe you’ll realize that. Or Your gay one cares for your attention how about you just ask your escapades bear redhead friend with the glasses whoring.

(RAMIZ IS GAY) to tell you. (fuck you) So, i’m not gay okay, but last (this person is just jealous night while i was looking for To that kid who thinks he that pirate boy has a redwebcam porn i accidentally looks like Zoolander because headed friend that also hapclicked on cam that was actuhe dyed his hair black, suck it pens to have a vagina.) ally a guy. I already had my cockmonger. Why don’t you penis in my hand and didnt feel just go back to the Starting SWM seeking female companlike trying to find another cam Line wannabe you really are. ion for extra curricular activiwhich would require taking my ties such as cuddling, watching Stop as I drop this bomb, blow hand off my penis and clicking movies, et ceterra. If interup this place like another Vieta few buttons. So short story, ested, please contact me, my nam, Heavy like a Tyson blow i squinted. I’m not gay right?

AIM screenname is bisbers. to the dome, back up son, give Especially if your name is Gina.

(Only if you used your right I gave three guys herpes this To that gorgeous girl in my CS me room, give me room.

110 recitation Wednesdays 5th hand.)

No Food or Drink Permitted weekend. period. I wanna feel your her- you goth fag, i hate you. in this Lab Hey, I’m not gay either. But (I think you can get genital pes all over my pointing deLast night as i lay in bed look- This weekend I learned that the other night i was at this frat warts for that kind of a vice. ing at my roomate I started black peoples nipples are party and this brother came up transfer. If you want to trade you know that really hott girl thinking about how it would be armor plated. to me and said that if i wanted up the going rate is 6 cases that everyone wants to fuck? when this year was over. Dorm to do a keg stand to let him of transmitted herpes for There are 250,000,000 yeah you room signup is soon and i reknow before hand because he clamidya and of course we insects for every human on aint fuckin her ally hope we dorm together. wanted to be sure to hold me all know you can pass on 12 earth. up by my “special place”. I’m cases of herpes to get HIV. (Of course not. Past tense ( i think that’s a little TOO ( woah....man, I should be a never going to that frat again. Full blown AIDS goes to the would be “I fucked her.” ) personal.......get it, too per- bugsexual. I’m sure there highest transmitter of the ( FAGGOT ) to that chica who so wants me sonal? because it’s very per- will be a more scientific month. Remember, no sell- to put it where it doesn't be- sonal and is also a submit- name term for it after i Yo crazy ass bitch chink that ing door to door and only long. sorry i'm too huge for you. ted personal? haha oh lego mount my first beetle, but almost hit me the other day travel with adults.) you'll just have to wait pirate, you’re so funny, want damn...the odds look to be in outside Scott Hall. Learn how my favor. ) to go play army?) to fucking drive, or get the this road is dick ! if anyone here at rutgers has a FUCK out of the States" plushie fetish please look for hey assholes that live on fuck you to everyone that Help Wanted: Somebody tall rips on caucasians. i’ve been me in Art History MTh 3 VH metzger 3. last thursday night 105. I’ll wear a black hat on i peed on your door. got you enough to change the light bulb to caucasia. i went skiing Thursday. good fuckers. in my dorm room. I am in a there, it was really nice, not wheelchair and cannot reach the bulb myself. Please come by anytime, i will leave door open if i am not here. Barr Hall, 4th Floor. Green door with handprints painted on it.

Compensation will be provided, thanks.

smelly and shitty like nigeria.

hell even the professor wants to hit it. if you happen to be that girl, thank your parents for me. (look at me, i’m filler.)

Hey, to that Econometrics Prof. that makes everyone walk around the back of the class so that they wont interupt you. Thanks

(NO COMMENT. )

So i went to apply for a job at Blockbuster last week and i handed in my application at the same time as this mentally challenged guy and wouldn’t you know it, the handicapped dude (yea, while you’re down got the job. there........suck it cripple) if you arent doing anything on (maybe he has prior cinema MTh3, come to economics experience like the retard with me SC135. there is this that rips ticket stubs at the blonde girl that is so amazing, movie theatre in Kinnelon. )

I ate the worm !

( I have heard this is sign of This one time, at college, this great gratitude in Japorea, drunk 17 yr old girl threw up so be happy. Chances are it was a sick asian dick that on my bed. pissed on your door because Pick up this great read off the Busch is an all asian estabbookshelf this weekend: lishment) (just when you think there Chicken Soup for the Cat & poodie could be nothing cooler Dog Lover’s Soul about this chick than being (I read one of those Chicken my mouth is full of marbles. and a pirate, you remember you Soup books once. Something cum. marbles and cum. can fuck her in the eye like Chicken Soup for Beat- (It could be worse, two more socket. ) ing Cancer. I didnt make it minutes with my cock in Send Personals to past page 8. ) there and you’d have lock personals@themedium.net or Nicole, i’m gonna put it in your jaw.) you will never be able to eat butt P.S. Two words: summers the wroooooooong nigga ta bananas or bear children. eve.

FUCK WITH! Well...unless you really cared about deep throating fruit or I can’t believe Vanilla Ice is lego pirate ! having a little cub of your own. coming to Rutgers !

The Medium WHAT’S SHAKIN’

“I’ve never fucked a 10. But one night, I fucked 5 twos and I think that should count.”

Wednesday February 4th, 2003

I believe in a thing called love....... do you?!?

Music no one likes

at the Cook Campus Center Friday the 13th. (The Day before Valentine’s Day) Doors open at 9... tickets are $15 at the door... $10 in advance...a Rutgers student ID will get you one guest pass for a non RU student.

Things I Hate Thurs, 2/5 - The Vagina Monologues at Bradley Hall (Fine Arts Building) Sat, 2/7 - New Jersey Film Festival Spring 2004: “In My Skin” at Scott Hall Tues, 2/3 - Sun, 2/8 - The Full Monte at New Jersey PAC, NJ Thurs, 2/5 - Sat, 2/7 - Jimmy Shubert at The Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs, 2/5 - Sun, 2/8 - Kim Coles at Caroline’s, Boadway, NY Thurs, 2/5 - Lewis Black at Stand Up NYC, 236 west 78th street, NY

Come to a Medium Meeting, please? It’s at 9:15 PM at the Livingston Student Center, Room 111. Last time no one came and I was so sad. Won’t you come this time and make my tears go away, or make me cry harder and taste my tears of unfathomable sadness......

Oh and SEND EVENTS TO: events@themedium.net

Fri, 2/6 - I Love the 80’s feat. Vanilla Ice at Rutgers Student Center Multipurpose Room Fri, 2/6 - Yellowcard w/ Don’t Look Down, The Format and Bleed The Dream at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Wed, 2/4 - Modest Mouse at Irving Plaza, NY Thurs, 2/5 - Dropkick Murphys at Roseland Ballroom, NY Fri, 2/6 - Simple Plan - MXPX at Roseland Ballroom, NY Fri, 2/6 - James Brown at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, NY Sat, 2/7 - Throne at The Chance, Poughkeepsie, NY Sat, 2/7 - B2k at Beacon Theatre, NY Mon, 2/9 - Ol’ Dirty Bastard at B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, NY

Guess what this is? That’s right EMPTY SPACE

First off, holy crap, look who they got to play Rutgers.

Better than some other crap they got going on like Vanilla Ice, or Hoobastank. So anyway, on to my column, wait, is this a column? Who the fuck cares. I’m talking to my friend on the bus to College Ave, when the doors open and a gay guy comes on the bus surrounded, and I mean surrounded by beautiful skank-free women. This got me thinking, why is it that men don’t have more lesbian friends? There must be more than one lesbian out there that is not a man hater, and likes to talk about sports or laugh at fart jokes. Someone that’s one of the “boys”. I mean women and gay men have loads to talk about. Why shouldn’t that be the same on the other side of the rainbow? There wouldn’t be that tension that I’d want to fuck her there and I could look at her as someone I can talk to about the ladies I’ve fucked and what not. It just doesn’t make sense to me, and thus it shouldn’t make sense to you as well. This reminds me of a web site someone gave to me a while ago. All this talk about how men and women brings me to The Ladder Theory which is located at, http:// www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html. Anyone that has been just friends with a girl will appreciate this, and if you don’t you are wrong.