01/30/02

THE

The Entertainment Weekly of Yet Another Damn Semester

MEDIUM www.themedium.net

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

Volume XXXIII, Number 11

“Up yours, Benji!!!!”

Rutgers University Presents....

A SAMUEL L. BRONKOWITZ PRODUCTION

“Bob Saget is Mesmerizing!”

“The Best Semester of the Year!”

G.M. Glick, Edison Daily News-Tribune

G.P. Liberty, Rutgers Review

“I’m Gay! Gay, Gay, Gay!”

"'Kate & Leopold' Delighted Me!"

Rex Reed, NY Gayly News

Some Fool, Time Magazine

"Kill Me Now! I Can't Stand This Shit Anymore!"

“This Movie Killed Me!” Gene Siskel, Chicago Tribune

You, in 3 months

Starring:

FRAN LAWRENCE as the University President

MICHAEL CAINE as the Professor

GREG SCHIANO as the Losing Coach

BOB SAGET as the Victim

also starring: MR. T as the Bus Driver

INANIMATE CARBON ROD as the Simpsons Reference

YOU as the Fool Reading This

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY PRESENTS A SAMUEL L. BRONKOWITZ PRODUCTION “SPRING SEMESTER 2002” FRAN LAWRENCE MICHAEL CAINE BOB SAGET GREG SCHIANO MR. T AND TROY CROWDER PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY YOUR MOM WRITTEN BY THE MEDIUM STAFF www.themedium.net

F

Fuckin Lame Many headaches, no sex

EDITORIALS

“Psycho-Sexual Asphyxiation”

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002

“Welcome Back to Rutgers!”

These words have always sounded strange to me. Sort of like whem people have asked me”Are you awake?” What the fuck, if I was asleep would I say “No!” It’s an idiot question and in the same way, “Welcome back to Rutgers” is an idiot saying. Coming back to Rutgers for another semester is a kick in the crotch. It’s a couple of nurses standing on your chest and face.

It’s a one-way trip to Canada.

On a Greyhound.

You may notice that there’s a new sherrif in town. There was a problem with the former Editor in Chief. First word came out that he was in a heterosexual relationship.

Then word came out that it was a consenual. We did what we had to do, and everyone’s happier now.

So we’ve got 14 weeks of this crap left, what are you going to do to pass the time? Well, you can count down until Spring Break, when you’ll be busy as hell with papers. If you’re a sports fan you can wait until March, when the RU basketball team chokes again. Or you can just look away from the scary clown on the bus. Either way, get away Love, from me.

Your Editor-in-Chief PS - done before midnight, TAKE THAT CHRIS TAYLOR!!!

MAI

L ME YOUR OPINIONS, REQUESTS

TION, A

FOR S XUAL GRATI ICAD EDITORIA S! HETEROFR NZY@YAHOO.COM

N

L

E

F

E

My last Semester at Rutgers…

Finally.

Time to go out with a bang.

Well, it’s almost 6 months later, and I’m still here, hopefully you’re still there, and the country as a whole has gotten back to some semblance of normalcy. I don’t see as many flags as I did, but it’s probably because the wind blew them all away. As much as I appreciate the intent, cars are not the best places for flags. Many people have realized this however, and replaced the flags with stylish stickers, put the flags inside the cars, or USA CD’s hanging from the rear view mirror, like I’ve had for the past 4 years. Don’t think that just because you see fewer flags around that the sense of pride in ourselves has gone also, it’s still there, I feel it. People have learned that we all have to keep a little bit of pride in ourselves present somewhere in their lives. People have flag pins, paint flags on their houses, somewhere in most people’s lives the colors Red, White and Blue are ever-present, as it should be. And if you think my nationalistic pride isn’t warranted, tell that to everyone else around here that carries some part of another country’s flag or colors around with them. Excuse me if I as an American have an American flag on my car, I can’t be like a lot of other people and support some other nation, this IS my nation.

And on the subject of nations why are we so particular about who we help in the world? Our support of one nation in particular really confuses me, Israel. Why do we put so much money and support behind Israel? What do they do for us? We all know that the United States has a long history of only doing what’s in our best interest (even if that “our” was only white, middle class people). I can understand why, for the first 30 years or so we may have had an interest in protecting them, it was mainly America and Britain’s idea to help them out, and who can blame them? Everyone felt sorry for what the Germans had done to the Jews, and maybe a little guilty about not helping them out sooner. And when the rest of the Middle East started trying to kill them again, I can see why we would help them out as much as possible. But times have changed. Right now it’s quite obvious that Israel has all of the power in the Middle East. We have crushed Iraq’s not-as-impressive-as-it-sounded military, and done the same to the Taliban. There is no real threat to Israel anymore accept for terrorists, but let’s look at that a little closer.

Apparently, the only diplomatic tool that Palestinians feel they have at their disposal is blowing themselves up to make a point.

Does this sound like an oppressive attack by a hated enemy, or the last desperate acts of an oppressed population? Palestinians are obviously the people who need support against an oppressive and aggressive Israeli government. Look who they elected to be their leader, a guy who by all accounts had a large part in slaughtering hundreds of Palestinians in Beirut. Ariel Sharon is a man who has been fighting Arabs on and off since 1948, a man whose political platform basically “means keeping maximum land and political rights for the Jewish state and giving the very minimum of both to the Palestinians”. So take a powerful country, backed by the most powerful nation in the world, and headed by a man who hates Palestinians, and put them against a people who have no political power or voice, and what do you get; terrorism. Why do those idiots Bush and Cheney not realize that in supporting an obviously aggressive and oppressive regime we make ourselves a target for the anger felt towards Israel? We get a huge target on our backs and Israel get all the benefits…The USA has a very stupid foreign policy here, oh yeah, a Bush is in office.

Quote from http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1154000/1154622.stm

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

Bitch Betta Have My Money Or

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Cover by: Troy Crowder

Else I’m Gonna Be What’s Shakin’

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner

Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Staff Photographer Senior Editor

Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz Aija McKenzie Ian McLorey Jessica Chandra Oleg Zeylikovich Elizabeth Finelli John Q. Minus

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085. Pierced vulva.

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002

“ Chocolate Colon”

OPINIONS

NEW CLASS OFFERING INDIAN/PAKISTANI RELATIONS: WE HATE THEM TOO. 01:920:308

CROSS LISTED WITH 01:920:306: PREREQ: 920:101 TF 2:50-4:10 PM PATEL LSH-B267 Liv In this course we will study the recent history of relations between Indian and Pakistan in the late 20th, early 21st century. Particular emphasis will be paid to the many and various reasons that Indian hates Pakistan and the Religion of ISLAM! Papers will be graded according to the students understanding of how much India wants the American government to wipe out all Islamic terrorists, and the religion of Islam in general. We will go over the many and various ways to distinguish a fine, upstanding Desi-American from a swarthy, vile, Arab/Islamic possible illegal alien. Graded work will include quizzes, journals, a class presentation, and three 5-7 papers on why America should bomb Pakistan into the Stone Age while they have their forces right in the area anyway.

Damn I Wish I Had a White Girl

I’m a slave... for black Cock

If I had a White Girl everything would be ok I would be successful and have a good job maybe a sports athlete, or a movie star or a politician, talk show host if I had a white girl, I would not have to fear the police because how could I be a bad guy if I have a white girl on my arm?

If I had a white girl, it would surely be a mark of my fame and fortune I love white women, but because only famous people have white girls I have a hard time All of the famous rappers and singers have white girls in their keepin them in one videos it is surely the status symbol of the twenty-first century.

And I don’t mean one of those white girls who have small waists and wide hips, who walk around like they’re actually not white girls I mean real no ass havin, can’t dance, Britney Spears and Michelle Branch lovin, white mascara wearin, big tits havin, sandal lovin, ditzy

slutty white girls.

That’s what I want.

For what can a black girl give you that a white girl can’t?

A black girl will cook and clean and take care of the kids whether you’re there or not A black girl will lay down cover fire while you run from the police and fights back when you slap her A black girl won’t lay down and be submissive like a real woman should She gets in your face and forces you to be a better man than you are A black girl will clean you up and make you look presentable so you can get yer good-for-nothing self a job.

When I close my eyes, all I see is the A black girl demands tribute like she’s some kinda queen or something, trying to black man of my dreams motivate you to be a man and not a boy.

No, that ain’t for me, I don’t need all that trouble. ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○○ ○ Give me a nice, slutty, submissive white girl Welcome to the R U Screw ○ ○ ○ just like the ones in the rap videos. ○ ○ ○

By Terry Davison ○ ○○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

○ Many a wide-eyed student has passed through the gates of Old Queens expecting a quality education and a wonderful learning environment. It takes all of a week to learn how truly fucked you have been since the moment you signed the acceptance letter. Once the RU screw has befallen you, you realize that meeting all of you’re major requirements and actually graduating in 4 years will be the longest hardest fight of your life, and that’s just how Rutgers wants it.

It seems to me that every way in which Rutgers and its massive bureaucracy tries to ruin your life and future come down to one goal: forcing you to pay for an extra semester to graduate.

From the horrible transportation schedule, the 30 dollar ticket on your window every time you park your car, the teaching assistants that don’t have any idea how to speak English, the majors that are designed to fail half of the students out in the first three required classes, or the impossible registration system, every thing that throws off your schedule, makes you late to class, or keeps you from getting the classes you need to complete your major really tries to cost you an extra 6 grand plus books housing and fines. Try to get the one class you need as a prerequisite to declare your major or get into one of the Communication or Business schools and you’ll see how hopeless your chance of finishing this school in 4 years. I saw a third year international student break down in tears when a department decided to just throw away a waiting list for a class necessary to even think about getting into the major she wanted. ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○○○○○○ This class was a 100 level with only three Is it becoming painfully obvious that you’re sections and everyone who wished to apply to not the sharpest tool in the shed? Did your the major needed it. Things like this keep students from finishing requirements in time to parents give up on you when they realized that not only were you a juvenile delingraduate and in turn help Rutgers make an extra quent, you were a stupid juvenile delin6 grand for every student fucked by the system. quent? Is the future looking like a dark, This probably sounds like a conspiracy theory dark hole with nothing but pain, misery and and in retrospect I should stop smoking crack lonliness at the bottom? Then please, by before I try to write. all means, come to The Medium Meeting, ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ Wednesday night at 9:30 pm in LSC 113

H ETE

ENZY@YAHOO.COM

ROFR

(That’s Livingston Student Center for you newbies) and share your pain with us. We promise we won’t laugh much.

News

“Anus or vagina... I choose vaganus”

Wednesday, January 30th Your Mom

Come To A Medium Meeting

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By Carol Hu, Woman In The Kitchen 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 News articles?

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By Ryan Beckman, Car “Doer” 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 recent discovery has shown why pill is the fix for the female inad12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 New Brunswick – women have the unappealing equacies.

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Reports from the men say 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 Livingston to get things going he 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 other flaws that are better left un- that they have the most perfect 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 C a m p u s just jumped out of that 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 said. Scientists after extensive re- women in the world now. These 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 3 thing and ran like the search on this subject 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 have dis- five women no longer bitch about (In my youth my father a l o n e 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 covered that women lack a vital nonsense – or anything. Their told me that he stole my J e e p dickens.”

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 L i b e r t y s Thus far Atkinson is the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 mother’s Jeep Liberty gene that providesthe rationality 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 rightful job has been reinstated 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 and that mine was to were bru- only witness who isn’t 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890 that men have.

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1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567 suffer the same fate) tally bro- in a coma. His girlPOLICE BLOTTER • A University student residing on frat road reported “when the girl I was having sex with woke up, the crazy bitch punched me in the dick”.

• A male resident of the Demarest building reported that while he was showering, a

man walked in, threw soap on the ground and asked him to pick it up.

The Demarest male filed a complaint when he was not “ass fucked” • University Student Troy “Chips Ahoy”Crowder was arrested for giving bad head

• A University student was arrested in the Brower Dining hall after attempting to defecate into Fruit Loops container -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by the mother of each individual)

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901

by Kimmy Kim, Generic Asian Girl 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 Piscataway - Oh my god, so I was playing pool with my friend Tony Kim 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 and he was talking about how his car has to be the fastest Honda ever built.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 So then this stupid kid on the next table was like, “No, Me have faster Honda...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 rock your ass back onto the boat.” So then Tony and Seung, the other guy, 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 started arguing about whose car was better. Oh my god I was totally freak12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 ing out. Then I was like “Tony, lets just finish our game and then we can go 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 back to my place.” He was like, “Ok.” So then we finished our game and 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 left in his Honda. But Seung left at the same time and they started racing...

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 I was so scared. We were a block away from the BSC when they crashed 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 into each other. Whoever said Asians can’t drive was right... I should know.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 Well anyway, then they both jumped out of their cars and started throwing 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 fireballs at each other. Due to the poor depth perception that all Asians 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 have, there were balls flying all over Busch. One of them hit a power line 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 connected to the Silvers Apartments and knocked the power out for a few 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 hours. The people inside the buildings were so mad, Tony and Seung were 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 going to hold them back with their mystical powers but just had buttsex.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901

Send News Articles to Cuteboyass@hotmail.com Power Outage at Silvers Caused by Asians

ken into, often with no sign of the savage brute that committed the crimes, just the bleeding, crying victim.

One of the unfortunate people affected by these recent horrors was a College Ave. resident Taylor Atkinson. “My girlfriend and I were bored Friday night, so we figured that we should do something different. I was trying to get into her Jeep Liberty when I heard something that sounded like a rooster.

I turned around a saw this big black guy. The next thing I knew he’d pushed me down thrust his

friend was unable to see the perpetrator and wasn’t even aware that Atkinson wasn’t the man in her Jeep Liberty until after the fact.

When the police asked Taylor why he didn’t try to stop the Jeep Liberator he said, “Look how often is it that some guy sees a stranger trying jamming his cock into his girlfriend’s Jeep Liberty? I froze up. I just watched and tried to figure out what fluid was coming out. Now I know that next time I should just rush to her front door and bang till she comes.”

What Celebrities enjoy Utz Cheese Balls more than a good salad tossing?

? ?

Find o u t next week.

Wednesday, January 30th 2002

“Get a monkey... and torture the hell out of it.”

News

123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 Wendy found alive, abused and drugged. 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 Punishment For Attempted Murder Lessened to $280 Fine 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345

by John Minus, Staff Porngrapher 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345

By Terry Davison TRENTON, Jan 14 - Setting an amazing precedent, New Jersey courts today 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 lowered the punishment for attempted murder from several years of prison time to 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 a $280 fine. The first lucky recipients of this leniency were two NJ State Troopers Arizona - Upon the execu- 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 who attempted to kill a van load of Black and Latino men for no other reason than tion of the last will and tes- 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 the color of their skin. Well, technically they said that the van tried to back over tament of the late Dave Tho- 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 them, but the courts ruled that a retarded chimp would not believe that story, much mas, founder of Wendy’s fast 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 less any intelligent human being. For firing 11 shots into a van full of unarmed food chain, the ownership of 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 people, the Troopers got off with a $280 fine and no jail time or probation. You the chain, and along with it 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 will get up to 4 years however, to think about what you’ve done before you are Mr. Thomas's daughter are 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 sentenced. Citizens of New Jersey are now free to shoot and wound each other now being auctioned via 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 armed with the knowledge that they only have to pay a $280 fine if they are EBAY. As family cleaned 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 After hearing that Dave Thomas, a 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 caught. There are some conditions that apply to this new leniency: 1. The Shooter out Dave's large estate, a filong time sexual parter died, Ronald 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 must be white, preferably a police officer and 2. The victims must be Black or McDonald turned himself into a berglass box was discovered, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 Latino. New studies show that this type of leniency may also apply if the victims balloon and jumped off the top of a and the shallow breathing 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 big building. are of Middle Eastern descent, not including Israelis. from inside prompted the 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 family to call Animal Control. Animal control quickly left, 123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345 I don’t wish for a slow painful death all the time... sometimes I sleep

stating that half starved girls wrapped in cellophane were not their jurisdiction, and that someone should call the police, or Eddie Murphy. Wendy, the corporate logo for the fast food chain had apparently been kept in a box designed to preserved her childlike appearance despite her oncoming middle age, because after all a 40 year old woman does not deliver the cuteness necessary to cause pedophiles to stuff down pound after pound of quasi delicious meat products. It was Mr. Thomas's wish that Wendy remain the property of the owner of the company, and on his death that ownership will now go to the highest bidder. If you are interested in purchasing a slightly used multi national fast food chain along with a heavily used woman, contact http://www.ebay.com/ wendys.

Bush Declares War on “French Canadians”

by George Baxter

Washington D.C. - This morning President Bush announced that there is an even newer war in America.

“This is a battle being fought on our own American soil in one out of every ten homes and in public bath houses. This is a war against people who have caught ‘the gay’”. Bush ranted a bit more before getting to his point, “My Daddy said to me when I In a battle for the Galac- was little, ‘Georgie, you don’t need to be president of the tic Champion of Foosball, Lateisha “You U.S.A. to make me proud, just ain’t my daddy” Park don’t fuck men in the ass.’ I liskicked George W. Bush’s tened to my Daddy and to this ass. day I still don’t fuck men in the ass... I prefer to catch. But that’s not the point. Americans are in a rut and we need to pull ourselves out. To do that we need to get rid of unwanted elements of our society. As of 3 P.M. today any man who has sex with another man is no longer an American citizen, he is a Canadian... and the worst of them... a French Canadian.

One member of the press stood up, proclaimed that she was a member of the “Gay/French Canadian Community” and asked what was to be done with lesbians. Bush stated that “all the hot ones will be forced to make porn... constantly... the ugly ones who look like men will just be pushed out of a plane flying over the ocean.

Leaders among the gay community including Boy George, Boy Anus and Scrooge McDuck were all unavailable for comment as was Canada.

Send News Articles to Cuteboyass@hotmail.com

Freshman Girl Found Drunk at Rutgers Frat Party: Entire Campus Shocked!

Whore

By Michael Ciriaco 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 Rutgers freshman Kelley Puffibusch was found inebriated at a DTM 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 fraternity party Friday night. According to eyewitnesses, Puffibusch had 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 received a can of Milwaukee’s Best from an older, male partier. After con1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 suming nearly three quarters of the beverage the frosh staggered onto the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 basement dance floor and began to gyrate provocatively against one of the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 DTM brother’s genitalia before vomiting in a corner.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 “So, this girls rolls up,” explains DTM vice president Brent Fistall, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 “and she’s all up on my bod, you know, grinding and shit. As soon as she 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 starts stroking up my crotch, and I start getting all pumped. At this point I 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 realize the bitch is drunk and is probably willing to go down on me. So of 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 course, I only have one thought in mind: I have to get here home before 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 someone tries to rob her of her precious, god-given virginity. Hey, I’m sure 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 any frat boy would be willing to do the same.”

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 After Kelley finished a cathartic half hour of uninterrupted puking, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 her roommate Tania Reddnutt escorted her back to Clothier. With the un1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 pleasantness now removed, the partier’s interests returned to intellectual 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 conversations involving governmental issues and contemporary literature.

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 “I haven’t the slightest idea how that beer got in here,” explains DTM presi1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 dent Russell Heiman, “I mean, underage drinking and sexual activity has no 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 place in a fraternity party. It must have been smuggled in by one of those 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 black students.”

1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 When asked if this incident would have any negative effect on future frat 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 parties, Heiman had this to say: 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 “Hey asshole! It’s a fraternity, not a ‘frat!’ You wouldn’t call America a cunt, 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 would you? Wait, wait, I said that wrong… uh, oh yeah, you wouldn’t call 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 your country a vulva. Wait, hold on… I almost have it…” He continues in 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 this vein for the next fifteen minutes before stomping off in frustration to his 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 bedroom where he pillow humped to hard core gay porn for the rest of the 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 1234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789012123456789 night.

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GMG

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002

“Stop reading now.”

If There’s Anything I Have a Taste For, it’s Fine Store-Brand Food

By Martin Babitz If there’s anything that I enjoy most about being a college student, it’s without a doubt the abject poverty. Yes, the abject poverty is my steak-um (5.58 Pathmark Brand) and Imitation Mashed Potato Flakes. But, I’ve found that there’s a light at the end of the E. Coli infested tunnel, and as a rule, I’ve found that food does a pretty good job at keeping me sane. Luckily enjoying both abject poverty and higher brain functions is possible, with a bit of sneakiness and just a pinch of miserliness.

For example: What would you do if you are home, shivering alone in your crappy uninsulated tenement on Easton Avenue, and you find that you’re all out of cool whip? Do you pay full price for just a slightly better taste?

Instead, try buying the America’s Choice Non-Dairy Whipped Topping for only .99 cents. It’s a small difference, but it saves you a bundle. Especially if you need to buy enough to fill up a bathtub.

Have you ever needed enough Coca-Cola to burn an entire paint job off of a car? Try the Waldbaum’s Brand Cola in the economical 3-Liter size, with it’s low price tag (also .99 cents), and a wide pouring spout so that you can draw words better without air being sucked in at the top and making all that shit kind of spatter. It also is great to save our environment by cutting off the bottom, sticking a deep tube through the top, and putting the whole mess in a bucket of water. That way we are considerate of the wildlife of the world too.

Ramen Soup anyone? Here’s what you eat when you are truly a poor college student. It’s very hot, when you feel so very, very cold inside. It helps you feel your toes again after the roof collapses from the torrential hailstorms.

Top Ramen (.14 cents), while not a generic brand, is still premium goods, since the signifier “Top” is added in front of its lesser grade Ramen. Its delightful ambrosia scent mixes particularly well with America’s Choice Canned Mixed Vegetables (.75 cents!), and that venison meat your buddies gave you last week. Freebie! Ladies Only Tip: In a pinch, uncooked Ramen Soup of course makes a wonderful feminine hygiene product, but a Medium Fun Hint ladies, don’t use the stuff in the foily envelope. The magical secret Eastern spices may well carry you away on a cloud of Asian-American pleasure. It’s happened before, and that time wasn’t the last.

Store-brand food, lifeline to the poor, can be the difference between malnutrition and starvation for a college student, and when used correctly (in accordance with the directions specifically on the label), can be a safe and legal alternative to armed robbery. So enjoy folks, and don’t forget to tell ‘em that Marty sent ya!

Medium Poetry Corner!!!

Roses are red violets are blue god hates us all In the land, there is a hand.

In that hand there is a man.

That man’s roommates aren’t home.

A Solution to Rutgers Football

By Terry Davison You’d think in a school of over 40 thousand students you could find at least 18 kids who can throw a fucking ball down a field and catch it. I mean fuck, even by watching intramural football and asking the good players to join the team we would do better than the horrible team that the coaches have “scouted” to help Rutgers succeed in the Big East. I say fuck the Big East, Fuck Rutgers, and most importantly FUCK YOU (yes you). At its heart NCAA football is a cash cow, a cash cow that died outside Rutgers door and they had to pay animal control to pick up the stinking herpes infected corpse, and then pay the doctor for the cream to delicious make the herpes sores go away after they raped itsAcorpse for aflan. few months.

So money aside, what is college football: an excuse to party and get laid for all the students when the school wins. Fucked again.

Hope is however in sight. It would be drastically simple to at least accomplish the second aim of college sports. Rutgers should create its own football league, plain and simple. We have 6 schools in this university, which is about half the Big East so just fuck it. Imagine it, Rutgers would always win, and since all the teams would be bad there might actually be some competition instead of losing 80 to 7 and looking for the nearest sharp thing to disembowel ourselves with. School spirit would be at a high, seats might actually sell, and everyone would have a reason to drink themselves stupid and look for all those 16 year olds in mini skirts that hang out at the frats. Winning every time would be a change for this school, and it couldn’t hurt for the football team to know what it feels like on occasion. Then of course there is an added bonus: Douglass would have to make a football team and then the carnage can really get started, Douglass vs. Camden, I can just imagine the fun If Rutgers wants to succeed in NCAA Division 1 sports, the only chance they have is to fill the players with PCP and put beer and hookers in the end zone. Since that’s probably illegal and Schiano would probably keep the PCP and hookers for himself, time to give up. ITS TIME to form the Rutgers Football League, ITS TIME to win a game every now and then, and ITS TIME to find some 15 year olds from north jersey to fill up with alcohol and send to Union Street. Wait, that last one is illegal too, oh well, fuck it.

GMG Special: # 1 It’s a question asked far too often. “Who is GMG?” Those people are asking the wrong questions. They should ask “What... what is a GMG?” “Why does it get it’s own section?”

To those brave inquiries, I shall answer thee: GMG is a state of mind. A smile in every heart. A spine on which rests the weight of the world. A tight sweater on a busty, busty broad. GMG, my friends, is the light which binds us all.

Monkey Monkey Monkey monkey, climb down stairs, monkey monkey, pull out hairs, monkey monkey, get the fuck out of my bathroom

Don’t turn around (uh oh) Der Kommissar’s in town (uh oh) When he talks to you, you’ll know why, the more you live the faster you will die

Come to our meeting, this week free Coconut Lassis! Be sure you get yours tonight @ Livingston Student Ctr 113 (look for the room with people shouting) around 9:30 pm

Ok, well so a Features article is something either funny or interesting, intellectual or downright pornographic, informative or well... not.

Either way, this is the section where ladies drink free. 18 to party, 21 to drink, send submissions to mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

Wednesday, January 30th, 2001

Features

Submit to mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

Breaking News: The Enron Scandal An Interview with John Clifford Baxter (1/25) In light of the multi-billion dollar fall of one of America’s most high-profile companies, The Medium brings to you an interview with John Clifford Baxter, former vice-chairman of the ill fated company, energy trading giant Enron.

Medium: Hello Mr. Baxter.

Baxter: Hello Mr. Babitz... How’s the magazine coming along?

Medium: Eh, well we haven’t gotten shut down yet. But this is my interview. Shut the fuck up until I ask something.

Baxter: Fine, fine.

Ask Granny Goodness A Treasure Trove of Children’s Advice Since 1954

Dear Granny Goodness, There’s this cute little red headed girl in my class that I have a super big crush on. She has freckles and is really, really popular and she smells prettier than Apple Jacks cereal. The only problem is, I don’t think she even knows I exist. Its like I’m invisible or something. What can I do to get her to notice me?

Billy Junta Age 7

Medium: So what role did you have in the fall of the company?

Baxter: Well, actually I was an executive for some years, before I noticed that there were a number of shady partnerships going on. I realized that if the company continued on the road it was on, it would fall like a house of cards.

Medium: That’s very noble of you, but does it explain everything?

Baxter: What?

Medium: Does it explain how you got this life sized model of Christina Aguilera? It seems to be accurate in even the most intimate detail.

Baxter: Oh Jesus, well that’s because it is Christina Aguilera.

Christina: Hi, John.

Dear Billy, What you need to do is get this girl’s attention. If you want her to like you, she has to notice you first. Nothing catches a girl’s eye more affectively than a nice present. It doesn’t have to be expensive. A good idea might be to bake her cookies.

You could make chocolate chip, or peanut butter, or even snicker doodles.

If that doesn’t work, you could always bend her over a radiator and penetrate her tight virgin asshole. After you get yourself into a steady pace, up the ante by stimulating her clitoris with your index finger. Continue to pound her from both ends until you both reach a simultaneous orgasm. This is sure to catch her attention.

-Granny Goodness

Medium: Wow buying her must have been expensive.

PS: Oatmeal raisin is good, too

Baxter: Not as expensive as you’d think. We’d tried to buy Britney Spears in ‘99, but no dice, her manager wanted over 200 grand. So we said fuck that. Pepsi bought her instead, I hear.

Dear Granny Goodness, My mommy and daddy have been fighting a lot lately, they’re always screaming at each other over something. I think they’re going to get divorced. I know I’m not always a good girl and sometimes I don’t do what I’m told. Is all this somehow my fault? If I’m not bad anymore will everything be okay?

Medium: I bought Hallie Eisenburg. But regardless, do you think its wise to talk so freely about this?

Baxter: Nah, fuck all of those Enron guys. They can’t touch me, and the hammer’s about to fall.

Medium: Well, ok then. Thanks John.

Suzy Greenberg Age 8

Baxter: No problem.

Something Fun to Try at Home

By Young Black Entrepreneur In my executive postion, I find a lot of time to watch TV, and sometimes I notice a few things. So here’s a fun thing to do: as soon as you get home, turn on BET. Assuming that it isn’t some sort of patronizing interview or horrible, horrible comedian, you will probably see a music video.

This video will feature at least 5 of the following: 1) Mad Hos, dancing in very small, shiny outfit 2 ) A hot girl of ambiguous race 3) Kids 4) A big party centered around the rapper.

5) At least one woman erotically eating a lollipop or drinking from a bottle.

6) $300,000 in special effects 7) $800,000 in designer wardrobe 8) Men leaning out of expensive cars shouting the lyrics 9) The introduction of some new made up phrase (ex: bling bling, H to the Izzo, holla) 10) A very, very expensive house 11) A reference to a dead rapper, who in life had nothing to do with them.

12) American flags.

13) A rented Cadillac Escalade.

14) The rapper’s less-famous friends, hoping to become famous through association 15) One of the above friends, marketed as a “protégé.”

16) A strong female role model.

17) A long, paranoid rant regarding the tribulations of being on top 18) Missy Elliot in the background lyrics

The reason for this is that rap videos (or the ones that make money anyway) all follow the same formula. The other reason is that BET sucks, has sucked and always will suck. The third reason, is that like the Lifetime (Entertainment for Women) Network, BET has been failing to meet the needs of it’s chosen demographic for some time, producing crap that could be seen as more stereotypically offensive than empowering. Boo them. For that, both networks receive a DART*. *

Real DARTs not actually given to networks, as that could be construed as terrorism. In the interests of being conservative, we have instead chosen to fax them photocopied pictures of darts from an expired Modell’s catalog.

Dear Suzy, Often, when parents argue, children tend to blame themselves. It’s not your fault.

No one can be blamed for your parent’s problems, except of curse for those filthy, filthy homosexuals. They’re ruining everything. All those lisping Marys want to do is steal our jobs and rape our dear, little Caucasian boys. Something must be done!

I mean, sure, sending them all to a concentration camp is a little extreme. All I’m asking is to exile them to a deserted island somewhere. Is that too much to ask?

-Granny Goodness Dear Granny Goodness, This year I’ve been going through a lot of changes. First, my voice started to get squeaky. A couple of months later, hair began to sprout in places that never had hair before. Now, I keep getting these ‘urges.’ I get these strange impulses to touch myself, you now, down there. When I do, it feels really good. Does this make me strange?

Aaron Wolfe Age 13 Dear Aaron, You are currently experiencing a stage in life called puberty. These urges you have to masturbate, or ‘touch yourself down below,’ is completely natural. But, like defecation or the impulse to crush your little sister’s head in with a Tonka truck, this urge must be suppressed at all cost. If you do give in to this evil sensation, your innocent petting might lead to something scientists and child molesters call ‘ejaculation.’ Is that bad, you might ask? Well, do you consider having your penis violently exploding and never growing back bad? Is that what you want, your precious dingle blowing up? Ponder that the next time you get one of your urges down below. If our Lord Jesus Christ could abstain from spanking his monkey, shouldn’t you?

-Granny Goodness (Ciriaco)

Do you see this? This is the circle of pain. Don’t look into the circle of pain unless you can back it up.

By backing it up I mean submitting, to Features!

Submit to mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002

“Wow, you people must really like dirt.”

Arts

Sarcasm is Dead We're Being Completely Serious

by Chris DeSarno The Medium does not belong at Rutgers. Rutgers is a place of creativity, learning and originality. It is a place where one can receive an ivyleauge caliber education for a good price. The Medium contributes nothing to this academic atmosphere. Art is found in a museum -- not on the street, and certainly not in this rag. As everyone knows, good writing NEVER includes the kind that makes people laugh out loud ... art is NEVER popular among students ... It is a refined taste that has little (if anything) to do with humor. Beauty CAN'T be found in the things that make us uncomfortable. God is certainly not a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I for one have seen the errors of my ways. There are just some things that really shouldn't be joked about ... lines which shouldn't be crossed.

Some things are just too sacred to honor with humor. Some areas are just too sensitive to tread. I have repented. OH ME OH MY! I REALLY wanna be a good boy. I REALLY wanna please idiots. We're living in a time ... a serious time. Yes, a serious time. Gen-Xers, Gen-Yers or whatever the fuck the media calls you ... YOU ARE NO LONGER APATHETIC. You've woken up, slackers! That snide sarcasm is gone. Your eyes are filled with understanding now. The understanding that war brings about.

Now you have a purpose. Now you have national pride. The lines have been drawn ... now's not the time for line-crossing humorists.

Every creative pursuit is a struggle between art and entertainment. Art is something you do for the sake of art. Entertainment is something you do for other people.

I REALLY care if people get the joke.

Amy’s Television Odyssey, Chapter 1

by Amy Groark By the last week of winter break, I had degenerated so that my average day consisted of wearing my pajamas well into the afternoon and staying up watching television until 4 am. I watched more TV in that 4-week period than I probably did the rest of the year. In that time I’ve seen old episodes of The Real World, ridiculous made-for-HBO-movies starring the guy who played Brian on My So-Called Life, and plenty of Comedy Central - I actually saw the SNL episode where Portishead was the musical guest! So maybe one of these days I can get my thoughts together and write a halfway decent article about my new discoveries in the world of the small screen.

Because irony now cannot be appreciated, poor Sarcastic Becky is no longer relevant.

I’ma send this howler monkey woman after you to infect you with ebola if no one sends me any articles this week. tequilaxmockingbird @yahoo.com

The Adventures of Z-Funk

by Jessica Chandra, Staff Writer Alas, we return for yet another semester at RU…and Z-Funk returns. While I wasn’t able to compile much this week of his celebrated existence, I was able to amass little blurbs of a conversation I had with him earlier this evening. The discussion went something like this: JC: So Z-Funk…tell me, what is your field of study at Rutgers, the State University?

Z-Funk: I’m not going to lie to you, Anthropology, and that shit is money.

Does registering for classes make you feel like this poor schmuck?

Come to the Medium meeting to be further dehumanized! (and sodomized)

JC: Well, isn’t it true that anyone who is an Anthropology major and has no intent to go to grad school, such as yourself, was forced to go to college by your parents in order to get married?

Z-Funk: Ya’ herd? M.O.B. man….M.O.B! JC: I don’t understand.

Z-Funk: Money over bitches, c’mon, I got everything a woman wants, sausage included.

JC: WHAT?!

Z-Funk: I’m not going to lie to you.

Tonight at 9:30 Livingston Student Center, Room 113

JC: Uhhhh-huh.

Z-Funk: Hybrid Jess, hybrid.

More to come next week…and as always, this shit is so money, you don’t even know it.

[B-Love, Pimpin’-RU, and Gay-blur “representin’”]

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 to that girl I saw on the bus at Livingston: girl why are you so damn ugly?

Shave that nasty moustache and get your face fixed cause guys cant even look at you without hurling and running away.

We cannot be certain about anything based on our senses but I am certain that when you smell like shit, you're been shitting.

To that fucking nasty bitch I saw on the H bus last semester, you are a stupid fuck. I'm glad I kicked you even if it was accidental, but what the fuck was up with the "too bad" you fucking moron bitch whore.

(I would have kicked her in the penis.)

Descartes: is wax still wax after its been melted?

“It was too big to flush.”

Personals Editors Say....

1. No printing last names or really obvious first names.

Bad Example: “To Ryan Beckman, your ass smells. Wipe it out the next time we do it doggystyle. Love, Queahsfhaoisherasif Murphy.”

Good Example: “To RB, your penis smells. Wipe it out the next time we have urethral sex. Love, Richard.”

Personals Personals James where the fuck have you been you fucking cocksucker? Why the fuck are you going to fuckin drop off the face of this earth? I have seen you in forever.

Call me, asswipe. -C (Yes, James I would like to wipe your ass too.)

2. No printing room numbers. Simple enough. We’re shot for ideas already.

To that sexy guy on real world Chicago, you are so fine too bad you like doing it in the jeep liberty.

3. Only send personals from your Rutgers (eden, rci) account, or we will sick a Asian slut on you. You don’t want that. Unless of course you enjoy herpes.

TW... so crazy, so shiny - speak english

4. If you drink mineral water, you are gay.

I've got this problem, I hallucinate about lesbian porn and can't stop masturbating to it I have to hide it from my boyfriend or he'll be jealous or maybe afraid. Does anyone think they can help me?

Respond to closet lesbian.

5. If you are French-Canadian, you are also gay.

6. More personals means less work for us. So tell your friends. And you are gay.

To those RU football players- why would you throw a rock at some random person's head?

To my mom, I can't believe you molested me when I was 5. I'm having sexual curiosities now.

To my dad, why did you make me strangle that snake until it threw up? The throw up didn't taste very good.

To MC, I think you're sexy That stuff in my secret -B place tastes better.

Why are all these chicks Hey Ani what the fuck hapdying their hair blond? pened to you? Haven't heard Do they have more fun or are from you since winter break. they just oblivious to eve I hope you're having fun with rything cause they're dumb? your scruffy boyfriend. =) Most of them just look To the homeless man on stupid with or without the Easton, why did you have to hair, so stupid bitches stop steal my wallet? I want my trying to impress other fake dollar back.

Grrr. blond haired chicks cause I'm not digging the Britney (he stole my dollar wannabe look. I want a Jules too ... i want revenge.)

Asner or a sexy Selma.

To cute boy brett- I want (I’d like to tit your bod and I'd really like fuck Britney Spears.) doing you in the jeep liberty.

M C To the United States Govern(I wouldn’t mind doing you ment: As a responsible adult in the jeep liberty either.) and student, I think you should legalize marijuana.

I don't get it when someone We… I mean people who says eww this smells bad need it would find it more smell it. Why would you convenient if they could just want to smell it after they walk down to the local store tell you it smells bad. and buy some. Druggies People are fucked up. wouldn't use it more excesI'm new at Rutgers. Are there sively and it would cut down any hot guys out there that crime. Make cigarettes are willing to get into a three- illegal - they cause lung some with a sexy 5'7 bru- cancer and are addictive. nette? Respond to me Liberate weed! through the medium. (damn hippies... who Would anyone care for smokes weed nowadays a shit covered pretzel? anyway? not me...)

Gee Ritch, I sure enjoy being a personals editor.

Oh, this sucks. I fucking hate you Carol. Why don’t you just die?

Beaker has a giant cock.

(I wouldn’t exactly call it a problem, have you tried using a cucumber?)

Would anyone care for a chocolate covered pretzel?

(Only if you give it to me in the hand you wiped your ass with. Mmm...)

Clare are you still smoking?

Ahh yeah I have control now.

What are you gonna say?

Ryan stop trying to get the balloon knot.

send personals to unibutt@mad.scientist.com Get a Blowjob Tonight at: Livingston Student Center Rm. 113 @ 9:30

Personals Personals to the fucker that stole my position - fuck you and your mother - dont turn your back on me or you’ll get a cock smack - jm to the finest piece of asian ass in my mw3 bio class, why don’t you come over to my place and show me how you would treat MY body. to the stupid bitch that finally moved out its about fucking time you fucking cuntrag. who the fuck wanted you in the house anyway you dirty slore you just fucked about 15 guys a day and covered our place with your herpes. you disgust me and dont ever try to make amends with me and try to be my friend cause i dont want to see your ugly-ass flat face ever again. stupid bitch i hate you and everyone else does too stop fooling yourself to think that you have friends no one wants you and get the fuck out you’ll never succeed in life cause you just manipulate people and do you even think your boyfriend cares about you? fuck that shit he just uses you for sex - i’m wondering what the fuck he ever saw in you in the first place. love your best friend, NOT! (this personal to a whore applies to every girl on the College Ave Campus.) to my fucking bastard of an art history teacher who keeps talking and talking and talking, why dont you shut the fuck up do a little dance and maybe forget your fucking slides again you fuck off, why dont you talk about the same thing every week, we’ve only heard it about <insert large number> times. Why dont you think of s o m e t h i n g more interesting to talk about next time. suck it l o s e r ! (hey those art history teachers are cool, don’t bad mouth them) To my hero: Why did you get a haircut?

“I hold my pants up with my penis” to that little bitch of a personals editor, why don’t you show your hairy ass again?

I’m sure people would die to see it again. why don’t you sleep with the art history ta’s again? huh? so that’s how you got your grade huh? but no i couldn’t do that could i? stupid little fuck. love, me ritch is a dumbass. his name is ritch. my name is hungry. nice to meet you ritch. nice to meet you too hungry. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

hey you fuck ass . you you want my money? money and you can suck the shit out of my ass if you think I'm going to pay you anything . you think you know something about me? you are a sewer rodent whose teeth have been ripped out and whose jaw has been split wide open so your mouth can now easily fit around the cock that rutgers slides your lifeless corpse up and down and up and down....

hey you, yeah you little monkey, what’s up with the shit I’ve been hearing about you getting stuck in other people’s dirty assholes?

Lick my pussy. Just mine. I don’t want no spreading of the AIDS. I don’t need anymore of those STI’s as they call it now. Eat me. Now. to the hero, good job trying to be like my boyfriend, but he's cuter anyway. what the hell is up with the nodding? you were in my class. -girl

don’t forget to send us your personals AND trashy embarrassing moments to unibutt@mad.scientist.com or we’ll cum and beg. (yeah don’t make us cry.)

To that ugly ass girl with the hoop earrings in my TF1 Philosophy class. Why don't you pull that G-String a little higher up your ass crack cause it seems as if you like things shoved up there real high

Send all personal submissions to unibutt@mad.scientist.com Don’t be a crusty vagina licker and forget the dot after mad and after scientist.

uh... i don’t get angry at many people. aww... *blush* I’m always flattered when any hot girls notice me. I’m easily flattered. Why do you inquire? What’re you doing with my words? I want some hot girls to caress and stroke my long sexy black hair. Uh.. yea, as payment for sexual services rendered, I will cook. to that black princess in my tth5 psych class at scott, i’ve been checking you out since the first day of class, baby i want you so bad, let’s get together and i’ll make it worth your while. respond to me if you want some ASS.

I have this need of licking anus and so i’m writing a personal to seek out someone that might want their salads tossed. the most shit i can dig out of your ass the better... it’s like salad dressing to me. i prefer russian if you’re in the mood or someone who wants to explore my fetish. contact me via the medium.

(Wow what a coincidence, I have the same fetish.) fuck fucking rutgers!~ i can’t fucking understand why there are so many damn faggots on this fucking campus. everywhere i fucking go there are fucking fags. get the fuck out or get into my asshole. i’d really like it if you licked it. and as for that fucking asshole on the H bus this afternoon, why don’t you come over to my crib and get a load of MY creamy load in your mouth. hell yeah. oh. fuck rutgers all they try to do is fuck us over. kiss my hairy ass rutgers!

to that lovely curly haired boy who sits next to me in the intro philosophy class with the hungarian PhD student, i sit in class fantasizing about your MASSIVE COCK entering my tight wet pussy. I can’t wait to get my mouth around that juicy sausage of yours. cute boy ass, will you join me for a wonderous night of screaming and making fuck? I want to fuck you so bad i’m gonna scream if your dick isn’t in- (it’s okay, we all hate side of me soon. please talk r u t g e r s ) to me at the next class! sinto that fat annoying girl from cerely, craving for cock. phil. you almost ran me over (hey, sounds like with your fat black car.

Cindoo- why do you stare at something I have on my list (fat people are too fat to things to do.) get out of the way) me when I am sleeping? I get of really scared when I open my eyes and see you staring at me. Please don’t do that when I come back home.

Thanks a lot Cindoo. -Kro Kyle...bring back the green turtles shirt

Penisday, January 30th, P00P

Come to a meeting @ Livingston Student Center Room 113 at 9:30 pm and we’ll butt fuck you too.

SHARE YOUR NASTIEST MOMENTS WITH THE MEDIUM AND THE RUTGERS COMMUNITY I can't believe I did this but I went to the mall one afterthe other day I was sleeping noon with my beau and there over my boyfriend's dorm we were having a good time and the craziest thing ever and I started having my pehappened. I went into the riod right when I was in the bathroom to take a big poop changing room! I got the but as soon as I sat down I store clothes all bloody and realized something was my underwear all stained! I wrong. There was blood all was so embarrassed I didn’t over my pants and I felt re- know what to do! The only ally constipated. I held my thing I could do was buy the breath and pushed as hard stained clothes and new and long as i could--sending undies. My face was as red forth a painful PLOP! I as the bloody skirt I tried on looked down into the cess- as I handed the sales pool I had created only to person the merchandise. realize that I had mistakenly hey, gene, u got some nice shoved a tampon in my moves stripping for ur unasshole earlier in the evening grateful girlfriend like that.... since I'm a drunk whore. how about u strip for me and I almost died of i'll tuck a buck into that e m b a r r a s s m e n t ! sparkly silver thong of yours

Wednesday, Gayuary 30th, 2001 V is for....victory! Happy 21st!

Love, Swayze (I liked that Swayze-E song “Fuck tha Police.”) to our britney spears on crack, happy fucking birthday! get drunk and get some sausage! if you cant find some, the man downstairs has plenty! love, the shot girls (the man downstairs? you gotta kill yourself to get some good sausage at Rutgers.)

Man in relationship seeking sexy, smooth, silky young lady to join in festivities.

Must be bi, athletic, willing to try some crazy shit, and willing to be photographed in compromising positions.

Black hair blue eyes a +. C cup or better.

No hairy tangs please!

(Waiter, hair in

there’s a my Tang.)

I think everyday should be Thanksgiving... it doesnt have to come but once a year. I personally thank God everyday for a wonderful school like Rutgers, the kind professors who let us have a final on Dec. 24, my large penis, jeep liberties, a wonderful transit system here at RU, and oh yes, how could I forget... Greek society, especially all those hot-ass bitches in all those slutty sororities. How are you ladies doin? From the stuck up ZTA's, to the Chunky PHI SIGs, right to those always drunk DGs... I would like to thank God for sorority girls... now could we just make a RU GIRLS GONE WILD?!?! to that cute girl in my tth4 art history class, you’re not that cute. why don’t you fucking warn the class when you bend over to pick up a pencil you fucking slut. we don’t need to smell your dirty poontang/fart combination. get some feminine spray to help the class and yourself deal with your disgusting odor. if so, i’m yours. love, cute dirty blond / blue eyed sex symbol

Personals Personals

“Nixon’s had an asshole transplant.” personal of the winter break

To the cum guzzling, weight watching freak of nature in <Count Chocula>'s Expos 2 class.....you are not god's gift to women just because you lost a backstreet boy and got contacts four-eyes.... STUPID FUCK!! You need to stop snooping around and trying to fucking play gamecube....yeah i'm talking about your big ass Jewish nose...Unplug my phone again and i'll castrate you and shove a Sprite can up your Jeep Liberty...I'm so stoned right now.....you fucking diahrrea crusted shitbox.....cut your fucking Jerry curls and glue them on where your pubes should be....fritos aren't party of your diet FATTY....catch a fucking hint.....oh and those stank hoes that you pick up on trivial pursuit online....yeah they're ugly fuckholes Stoned Age PS - RISHI WILL NEVER GET PUSSY!!!

(This is every personal I’ve ever read rolled in to one. It has a fat joke, ethnic joke, jeep liberty reference, profanity, pubic hair reference, and a shout out.

It makes this section pointless from now on.

To the fuck in quad 2 with the obligatory Hendrix perm...cut your fucking hair. Just cuse you'rre white you think it's cool to grow a fro, you fucking neo-hippie wannabe. You'll never be Thom Yorke from Radiohead so give the fucking act up. Next time I see you I'm gonna fucking bum rush you and have a bunch of Coldplay fans hold you down and shave off that crusty excuse for an afropuff with a fucking lockjaw -tainted tetnis shot-warranting pair of lefthanded scissors..

Fuck you Phisheadnap!!!

RUSH RULES!!!!!!

(Somehow, this guy forgot to mention Travis.

They fucking suck.)

www.themedium.net

My name is Waldo and I am a Student of Kean university, Recently I read an article badgering my girlfriend and I do not apprectiate this, also my fraturnity Nu Delta Pi would like to have words with this cunt licker who thinks this is funny and if there not chicken shit then they will come forward and get fucked up........I would appreciate this. thank you P.S. her is peggy and Im not fucking around!

(Don’t bother reading this.

His name is Waldo.

That’s funnier than the actual personal.)

To the PUSSY who was ignorant enough to put my name in a fucking gay ass personal, yes, it's Peggy thanks, and then be too much of a cunt to let everyone know who your ignorant ass is. Whoever the fuck you are, you're kinda reminding me of the fuckin dyke that's harrassing the shit outta the poor Lippincott girl. Cuz the shit you're talking on me....a person you don't know.... kinda sounds like the shit the dyke is talking about people who try to be like yer hot girl.

Um well I hate to break it to ya, but there are similar people in the world by accident and who the fuck am I trying to be like? Your "style" give me a fuckin break....If you're that disgusted by whatever it is about me then don't fuckin look! It's a shame you have so much time to stare at things you hate...I actually feel kinda bad for you. You must be pretty hideous if you have to write shit about random people....or maybe it's misplaced anger? Who knows....just stop being a pussy and if you have such issues with people, come outta the HS attitude and fucking say it to them.

this personal goes out to all those fucking fat chicks who go to get takeout at Neilson i just wanted to know why the fuck you insist on getting diet coke? Like its gonna help when you are ordering two pepperoni pizza's or a sub with everything on it but a fucking diseased Cook freak cow. Pishaw to all the fat girls, pishaw i say, those diet cokes aren't burning any calories, why dont' you go work out at a gym and become a distgustingly hot chick so you can take my ass on Sally Jessy and shake that cracker ass till the the freak cows you used to eat come home. Peace.

(You are a highly misinformed individual. Most fat chicks prefer fucking diseased Cook freak cow on their subs, asshole.) please don't be sad Carl, we all love you, i'm sorry i can't please you sexually, but seeing you so sad is more depressing than that kid who told us he made a gazillion dollars a year sitting on his ass. You might not have money Carl, but you are one hot hunk of metal.

This goes out to my cock sucking jeep liberty loving roommate on Campbell 3.

Lay off the crack pipe you stupid whore. You're such a flamer, I remember that one time I walked in on you and your "girlfriend" having sex and she was doing you in the ass with a strap on. Come out of the closet and leave my fucking room you douche bag slore.

(That’s all well and good, but, it’s not fuckng “in” to say Jeep Liberty anymore.

Out with the former personals editors and out with their shitty catch phrases.

However, it is cool to say “Don’t have a cow, man.”) to the dirtiest manmeat hustler, fecal ejection of a female...aka <Archie Bunker> from the official whore house of rutgers, STD. you are the most vile, crab ridden, cuntrag our species has ever known. you are a drug slut and a truly undecent human. i hope, no...i wish...no no no...i pray that your camel-toe grows so big that all of your blood goes there and your heart stops. die bitch die die until you are dead. sup to all my chingers (Chicken sandwich, Carl.) and a big fuck you to J-Rock (i got you dxp). alright, i went to the livingston gym on friday and HEY ZTA- Congratulations there was approximately on your new batch of qual48,736 asian guys occupying ity inductees. They must the whole gym - what the really make you proud!! ha fuck is this? they're all ha No seriously. At our friends and they are ONE. theater apprec final today, apparently they go to the one of your new girls who gym only as a collective - was wearing her letters they're like the borg from proudly, got up in front startreck. thats really annoy- of the class to ask our teacher ing. fuck you all. a question. While in line she blatently cheated by looking A couplet for the Slab Kids over the shoulder of the boy at Livingston: Why aren't in front of her over and you on the slab anymore? over again. Is this something I liked you more before. you teach during your period??

No (They all went to the South pledge Tower to get some wonder you have so much steamy cock action.) trouble getting pledges.

Dyarr... Thar be a fine lookin’ whale...

Oh wait...

That’s you.

(I kind of like the homosexual attiude. I kind of like the homosexual anal sex too.) this totally anal guy ate my anus! and then he made me snowball him. ewwww.

Send Send Send Send Send Send Send Send

Personals Personals Personals Personals Personals Personals Personals Personals

to to to to to to to to

HERSHEY IS GIVING AWAY THE JEEP LIBERTY! I thought only Boston girls did that. - Gayree (His be

mom must from Boston.)

Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com Unibutt@mad.scientist.com

What’s Shakin’

“Well, Can I get a Big Bodied Weave?”

NYC SHIT Wed 1/30 Wed 1/30 Wed 1/30 Wed 1/30 Thu 1/31 Thu 1/31 Thu 1/31 Thu 1/31 Fri 2/1 Fri 2/1 Fri 2/1 Sat 2/2 Sat 2/2 Sat 2/2 Sat 2/2 Sun 2/3 Mon 2/4 Mon 2/4 Mon 2/4 Mon 2/4 Tue 2/5 Tue 2/5 Tue 2/5 Tue 2/5 Tue 2/5

Pete Francis Fez Under Time Moneen Knitting Factory Suburban Dog Lion's Den Dana Edelman Living Room Stand Bitter End Tania Maria Blue Note The Faint Bowery Ballroom Kyle Fischer Brownies Alicia Keys Radio City Music Hall Glenn Lewis Radio City Music Hall Orgasmabots Acme Underground Went Arlene's Grocery Michael Brecker Birdland Steve Kimock Band Bowery Ballroom Jay Bennett & Edward Burch Mercury Lounge Nada Surf Brownies Liar's Academy C.B.G.B. Moneen C.B.G.B. Riddlin Kids C.B.G.B. The B-52's Irving Plaza Lennon Lion's Den Orange Lion's Den Speedealer Lion's Den Centro-Matic Mercury Lounge Varnaline Mercury Lounge

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

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Open House PARTY

This Friday Feb Corwin Lodge Douglass Meet the Lovely Ladies of the Africana House (including yours truly) Listen to phat beats have some refreshments and see our house (pm to am RU ID a must

WARNING: GRATUITOUS GAY MALE PICTURE: i know you enjoy it!

Speaking of things you enjoy, don’t forgetRUGBY SEASON is approaching!

So clear your calendars; Starting Sundays in Late Feb./ March, You’ll be able to see the hott, sexxxy women of the RWRFC pile on top of other teams and each other...what’s not to love?

We may even throw in a little hair pulling!

Hey Fatass! Stop layin’ around and come to a Medium Meeting! tonight @ 9:30 Livingston Student Center 113

And against her doctor’s wishes, WS took a trip down, way down to Chinatwon, and got herself another turtle. This one’s Franklin, and I’m not planning on him mutating...He’s just a baby at 2 inches in diameter, and loaded with Salmonella and chock full o’ MSG - but then again, so is WS(Except for the 2 inches part) and she loves him all the same....

Cockjaw or not, you don’t need the ablility to speak in order to

Send your events to Xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com