Don’t you?

By Rahul Dev

“Frat houses in the South know what they’re doing when they drug and rape as many women as possible.”

These are the disgusting words of a screen-shotted conversation that flooded my phone. While the view of this person does not correlate with almost everyone, people like this still exist. This shows that we, as an American population, are not getting closer to eliminating sexual assault.

Who am I? I’m a seventeen year old boy who doesn’t know much about the world that I’m about to enter. While I am excited, I am also scared. Why? I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m scared about going to college, where I know nobody, or maybe it’s that I am scared about the rigor.

For half of you, I’ve probably mentioned your greatest fears for the next four to five years after high-school. While these fears are completely legitimate, they are short-term and can be overcome. However, for the other half, there’s probably a fear I haven’t stated: sexual assault.

One out of every four women is sexually assaulted as an undergraduate student. Unlike the fears I listed above, responding to sexual assault is a lifelong process and isn’t something that can be overcome overnight, if ever.

I can confidently say that there is no way I would sexually assault anyone. I think all of us in this room would hope to say the same, would want to believe they could safely say the same thing, but in order to believe you won’t be a rapist, you have to know what it means to not be one. So why does it still happen?

I have been close with a girl through our families since I was young. One night this summer, she divulged her story to me; it has changed my view on sexual assault forever. For the sake of this speech, I will call her Sarah. She told me she is okay with me sharing her experience. Sarah was at a high school party where there was alcohol. She went with her friends without any intentions of getting with any guy at the party. She remembers drinking, waking up next to a guy she didn’t know, and that’s all. What? How did at least eight hours get skipped over so fast? I asked her, as ignorant as I was, whether she thinks she consented to him or not. She told me she wasn’t sure, but that she knew that she acted normal when she was intoxicated, so it was unlikely that he knew how drunk she really was. I’ve had time to reflect on what she told me and I can’t imagine the pain she goes through every day, knowing her body was completely violated.

Yet I’ve had enough conversations with adults to realize that it didn’t matter how much she had to drink; it was sexual assault.

We go to a school of 400 powerful, impactful individuals and each one of you can begin this change. Each one of us will have friends in college. Telling one friend that the girl he wants to have sex with isn’t in a good place to do so may seem like nothing, but it takes one person to start a chain reaction. It doesn’t matter if he says “Can you chill out? I know what I’m doing,” or “Relax she’s fine,” you don’t let him do it. If he is a good friend, he will thank you in the morning, because getting a friend laid isn’t worth years of pain for the victim. Intervening is what it means to be a good friend.

It is important that you set these guidelines with your friends as soon as you get to college so that when or if this situation arises, you all know how to respond. And just like that, you have saved years of pain for an innocent person with a 45 second conversation.

I can’t make it more clear than this: If there is any doubt about whether you have consent, then you don't have it and need to stop. Alcohol complicates this, both in terms of the consent of your partner and your judgment about whether you have consent. If you suspect that you might not have consent if your partner hadn't used alcohol, then you don't have consent. If alcohol has impaired your ability to determine whether you have consent, then you don't have consent.

“What about married couples or people that have been together for a long time?” some have wondered. Consent is always required. How it's given might evolve over the course of a long, intimate relationship but it's always required.

Saying yes in one moment applies only to that moment and can be revoked at any time for any reason, and that must be respected.

If you say you want to go to a party at 2 p.m., but then decide at 6 p.m. you don’t want to, are you still obliged to? Of course not. The laws in this country didn't always see consent that way and that is in part what we are up against in trying to change this culture to a culture of mutual, affirmative consent. Furthermore, consent can have different meanings depending on the person, and it is necessary that you follow their definition in addition to the law. Questioning this cannot be an option anymore. It took 17 years for this to be nailed in my head, but I want to ensure that it takes no longer than that for anyone else. This speech has been talking to the men, about the men, and for the men. We need to elicit this change so that we, men, can be our best selves.

We need to change in order for all people to be recognized as autonomous individuals whose bodies, decisions and selves are afforded respect and dignity.

I am giving this speech for all the women. I want you all to know that this is something men think about, and it’s something we should talk about more as guys.

Last week, I attended a sexual assault workshop at SPA, and I was astounded by the concern and hope to learn that came from all the gentlemen in the room. As college gets closer, I get more and more scared for my sisters, my girlfriend, and all my female-identifying peers. I want to help. I want to make sure sexual assault doesn’t happen to anyone. If you care about a woman, which I’m sure all of you do, then you need to do your part.

It can be as small as preventing a friend from hooking up with that drunk girl or just making sure the women you care for and love are in bed safely.

In your mind, does it really mean yes if they are unconscious? Does it mean yes if you aren’t sure if they would say the same if sober? Does it really mean yes if she was pressured by her or your friends? Is one night of sex, where only one of you truly knows what is happening, worth the countless years of pain for the victim and the people who know and love the victim? The answer has to be no.

It has to be no if we respect the dignity and privacy and autonomy of everyone to make their own decisions and feel safe in doing so.

Teenage boys are ignorant. We think that this won’t happen to us and we won’t rape anyone. But for too many of us, the lines between right and wrong are blurry.

I’m standing here because I’m not afraid to say boys, as a general population, don’t know what consent really means. I’m standing here because not knowing the laws can’t be an excuse anymore. I wish it hadn’t taken me knowing a victim to learn about consent and I don’t want that to be the case for anyone else.

I am scared for college. I am scared for my classes and I am scared about leaving Minnesota, a place I have called home my entire life.

But I, too, am scared for the women in this room. I will never forget when I came home from my sex-ed class in seventh grade, and I asked my dad about girls and he responded “Always treat women how you want your sister to be treated.” It has taken time for these words to sink in, but they might as well be some of the best advice my dad has ever given me.

No matter whether you have a sister or not in your life, every single one of you has a female-identifying peer that you care about, and if you don’t feel the need to change for your own morals, do it for their safety. If you change, the people around you will change as well, whether it happens immediately or if it takes a little while, it will happen. This problem cannot be solved overnight, but I am confident we, have the capacity to make that change soon. We all have an obligation to respect women and their autonomy and to do something when we see someone who might violate it.

I am a 17 year old named Rahul Dev and I want to protect my sisters, my girlfriend, and every girl, don’t you?

Eric Quillopa