Fairview High School 1515 Greenbriar Blvd. Vol. 55 No. 4
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The Royal Banner 14-15 Staff Editors in chief Alex Ray
Lucia Rose
the trouble with turnabout 4, 5
David Sachs Maddie Stachniak
Section Editors
Student News Rachel Grushan Opinions Rachel Perley Entertainment Varun Narayanswamy, Mike Sparkman Sports Ethan Kennedy
z tunes 7 romance in the reels 8, 9 carande collins crafts corner 9
Humor Maya Jayachandra Photo Matt Hise Copy Owyn Cooper Social Media Rachel Perley
Staff Reporters Laura
creatures of the knight 10, 11
brack, hannah carande, ben gelderloos, anna
preobrazhensky, sage rose, josie russell, keren sneh, cameron walsh, alli williams, harrison young, isabel zuniga.
Courtesy Photos: Ceilia Tewey
Business
Adviser Sarah M. Zerwin For Subscriptions: Send $25 to Royal Banner, Fairview
ask anna 12 humans of fairview 12 seeing the beauty 13
High School, Room 339, 1515 Greenbriar Blvd,
Boulder, CO 80305, or contact us at alex.ray@fhsroyalbanner.com
About the Banner The Royal Banner Magazine is a 16 page news magazine. The
happy presidents’ day 14, 15
Banner is written primarily for the over 2000 students attending Fairview High School and is distributed free of charge to all members of the school community. Accurate reporting of fact is the goal of the staff. Commentaries, opinion columns and letters to the editor are the expressed opinion of the author and not of The Royal
Banner and its Editorial Board or its adviser.
*Disclaimer: Under Colorado law, no expression made by students in the exercise of free speech or freedom of the press shall be deemed to be an expression of school policy. No school district, employee, legal guardian or official of such a district shall be held liable in any criminal action for any expression made or published by a student. The Royal Banner sells advertisements for publicity and to pay for printing costs. We reserve the right to refuse to run any advertisement deemed inappropriate to the Fairview community.
2 | TABLE OF CONTENTS | fhsroyalbanner.com
Cover photo: Trevor Simmons takes a contested shot against a Monarch defender.
The theme of this issue is love, in all of its different forms. Reporters from the Royal Banner explored not only classic romantic love, but loving oneself, as well as accepting and loving others in our community. In lieu of Valentine’s day, which is often overly commercialized and glamourized, it is important to keep in mind that love is the essential and binding base of human existence. Love, The Royal Banner Staff
Photo by Celia Tewey
fhsroyalbanner.com | EDITOR’S PAGE | 3
TURN The Trouble With
inter Ball is dead!” Jennifer Kraemer, social studies teacher and Student Council advisor, said to her Senior Women’s Club members. Turnabout, the semi-formal dance replacing Winter Ball, is a new tradition at Fairview that started last year. All ticket proceeds are donated to Breast Cancer Awareness. While school dances at Fairview are popular events, they are also avoided by students in fear that they won’t be welcomed. “I saw [lots of] harassment at Homecoming,” said an anonymous student, talking about the treatment of LGBTQ couples at school dances. In a survey of over 40 students conducted by The Royal Banner, most agreed that Fairview is a very open, accepting community. 70% of students surveyed who identify as straight said that they believe LGBTQ students to be treated fairly at school dances. “Fairview is generally accepting of everyone,” said one student. “Everyone here is very open and accepting,” agreed another. However, The Royal Banner’s survey also found that of these students, most had not even seen an LGBTQ couple at a school dance. LGBTQ students who are members of the Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) told
“I saw [lots of] harassment at Homecoming.” The Royal Banner that those who did attend dances had uncomfortable experiences. As per their request, any members of GSA that were interviewed will remain anonymous. “I’ve danced with girls at dances be4 | STUDENT NEWS | fhsroyalbanner.com
fore and boys who don’t understand have said ‘oh that’s hot,’ and stared and whistled,” said a female member of GSA.“It’s just not appropriate.” “I’ve seen other [LGBTQ students] be glared at and made uncomfortable,” said another student. On the other hand, steps are slowly being made to overcome such harassment. One such step was made last year, when lesbian couple Daryn Copeland and Molly Marcus won Prom royalty and the “cutest couple” superlative in the yearbook. For the most part, members of the GSA agree that Fairview struggles not with direct harassment, but with what they call “accidental homophobia.” This
“I have seen other [LGBTQ students] be glared at and made uncomfortable.” is when people don’t identify themselves as homophobic, but at times use homophobic insults and jokes, not truly understanding how offensive these comments are. “It’s definitely from a lack of education,” said a GSA member. “People say that they don’t have a problem with [same-sex couples], and they don’t, but they just end up saying things that they shouldn’t... They don’t know that it’s wrong.” Students aren’t the only ones who disciminate; adults can participate in accidental homophobia as well. “I’ve taken someone to homecoming, a female, and both times when I went to go purchase our couples’ ticket… the people who were running the booth just made me so uncomfortable. I was holding her hand and they gave me the most awkward look,” said a female GSA mem-
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“W
Do you think LGBTQ couples are, overall, accepted/treated appropriately at school dances?
Straight Students
30% no/ not sure
70% yes/sometimes
LGBTQ Students
50% yes/ 50% no/ sometimes not sure
Are LGBTQ-Couples Accepted at School Dances?
ABO
By Alli Williams @allijoyw, Izzy Zuñiga @izzy_zuniga, and Rachel Grushan @rachelgrushanRB
When: February 28 Where: FHS Time:TBA Tickets are $5
Things to Remember at School Dances, Courtesy of GSA
1. Anyone can ask anyone, whether or not it’s a Sadie Hawkin’s dance.
2. Help others feel accepted- you’re all there to have fun. 3. Non-heteronormative couples are still couples.
“I think people are okay with the idea, but get awkward when they see it. ” ber. At dances, gay/lesbian couples notice that people stare, and that may make them feel uncomfortable. However, avoiding the couples and looking at them strangely is still considered to be accidental homophobia. “I think people are okay with the idea, but get awkward when they see it,” said a student. Furthermore, the LGBTQ community sometimes isn’t sure how to deal with asking out their dates to a dance. Most dances are either a boy’s or girl’s choice, which can alienate couples that are not heterosexual. “It’s kind of old-fashioned,” said a GSA member while discussing traditional asking roles.
4. Nobody is there to dance for you- don’t ask to watch them. 5. Ask if you can dance with someone first. If they say no, it means no.
Another GSA member added that it “excludes male gay couples, because then it’s like ‘now who is going to ask? Neither of us are girls.’”
“Just be who you are and embrace it.” This is what GSA wants to see change. They don’t want others to see them as abnormal, as though they are doing something that’s not usually acceptable. They just want to have fun at a school dance without drawing negative attention. Assistant Principal Rose Lupinacci, a former advisor of GSA, said that, while change is not possible overnight, the
school is taking steps in the right direction. “You have to break down the barrier of couples even feeling safe to come, and then you have to break down the barrier of being able to show they’re a couple. So it’s lots of little barriers,” said Lupinacci. “Just be who you are and embrace it,” were Polina Volgunin’s, pressident of Senior Women’s Club, words of comfort to encourage any type of couple to attend Turnabout.
fhsroyalbanner.com | STUDENT NEWS | 5
What is love? Photos and Interviews by Matt Hise, Ethan Kennedy, and Alex Ray
“Man, I’ll have to google that. Love, I could go on for hours, I’d say it’s the emotional and physical connections you make…” Tai Koester, senior
“Love is a neurological chemical reaction that takes place in your head which induces euphoria.” Mr. Wozniak, teacher
“Two [people] that have feelings for each other and care about each other.” Chloe, freshman (left) “Something special between two people.” Emily, freshman (right)
“Love is the absence of hatred.” Mr. Peoples, teacher
“Mutual understanding of one another.” Rohan Mylavarapu, junior
6 | STUDENT NEWS | fhsroyalbanner.com
“Love is something that has eluded me all these years.” “Love is the major goal in life.” Nick Gunther, senior Grace Anderson, senior
Z TUNES: Usher’s “I Don't Mind" An L.A. teacher’s take on modern music. by Advisor Sarah Zerwin
Doctor Zerwin copying one of Usher’s poses
Usher’s “I Don’t Mind” is yet another song with something catchy about it that you just might find yourself singing without actually thinking about what you’re saying. “Go make that money, money, money / Your money, money, money.” You’re singing it, aren’t you? Stop it. The song starts with “Shawty, I don’t mind if you dance on a pole / That don’t make you a ho / Shawty, I don’t mind when you work until three / If you’re leaving with me.” Here we have two characters, the speaker and his girlfriend, who works at a strip club. Initially, it may seem like the speaker is awesome because he doesn’t care what his girlfriend does for money: “Cause I know how it is, go and handle your biz.” He vows not to intervene in his girlfriend’s choice of career. How liberating, right? Wrong. The words “I don’t mind” suggest that he thinks he SHOULD mind, that he should have an opinion about what his girlfriend chooses to do with her body for money. The speaker repeats “I don’t mind” so many times (even with the title) that I wonder if he really does actually mind. Is he convincing himself that
it’s okay that his girlfriend strips for other men? It’s none of his business what she chooses to do for a career. But he thinks he possesses her anyhow: “Your body rock and your booty poppin’, I’m proud to call you my [expletive] / They be lookin’, but they can’t touch you, shawty, I’m the only one to get it.” He’s proud to call her his because of her physical attributes (her body and booty, specifically), and he has to go so far as to make it clear that those other men can look but not touch. In his mind, she is his alone. There is nothing liberating about this. It’s objectification. It’s possession. It’s yet another message to women that their only value is in their sexualized bodies, not their brilliant minds, not their status as fully realized human beings. It’s yet another man telling a woman what she can and cannot do. Let’s talk about the violent and misogynistic third verse featuring Juicy J. In summary, this voice says he wants to have a good time, even if it injures the woman (“I’m just tryna to cut her up”). He’ll “Throw some hundreds on that ass, walk her out the club,” and if the sex makes him think she loves him, she
“might get rich.” Again, the woman here is an object, a sex toy--nothing more. He sees her as entertainment. And she’ll get a lot of money if she performs effectively. No, I’m not overreacting. Songs like this work their way into our our collective consciousness and contribute to all the ways that society sees women as less than men. There are some women who choose careers as exotic dancers and derive strength and confidence from that choice, but I wish our society didn’t sexualize women like it does. I wish our society didn’t turn humans into objects, minimizing their worth to nothing but a physical body that exists for the pleasure of others. According to the CDC’s 2012 report on sexual violence, 19% of undergraduate women in one study experienced sexual assault or attempted sexual assault in college. That’s nearly one in five women. This song normalizes the objectification of women. It desensitizes us to it. It makes it seem like it’s okay to overly-sexualize women, to possess them, to tell them what to do with their lives and bodies. And we should all have a problem with that. fhsroyalbanner.com | ENTERTAINMENT | 7
ROMANCE and the reels By Maddie Stachniak, Rachel Grushan and Owyn Cooper
MOVIES FOR COUPLES Brokeback
Dirty
Silver Linings
Mountain
Dancing
Playbook
Oh, Brokeback Mountain, we wish we knew how to quit you. This film tells the story of two cowboys who fall in love during the 60s and begin a 20 year long love affair. However, because they are both men, they find a lifetime of struggles as they try to come to grips with who they love and how this affects their roles in their conservative community.
This romantic 80s dance flick starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey is the ideal date night movie. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” is the perfect line to use on your significant other. They will swoon. Also, it’s a well known fact that every girl’s fantasy (and some guys’, let’s be real) is to be lifted in the air by a sexy man during a climactic 80’s dance scene.
Jennifer Lawrence won an Academy Award for Best Actress for her role in this romantic drama about two bipolar people who begrudgingly fall in love after their recent failed relationships. Including strong performances by Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro, this heartfelt movie is perfect for a date night in.
Cosmos: A Spacetime
Mulan
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Odyssey There’s nothing that puts your problems into perspective like a reminder of how freaking big the universe is (spoiler: your problems don’t really matter in the scheme of things). Kick back with some Neil deGrasse Tyson, who is basically science incarnate, and tackle some of the greatest questions in existence instead of eating ice cream and crying.
The character of Fa Mulan is hands down one of the most empowering Disney ladies, reminding you that you don’t need a significant other to do great things. If Mulan can infiltrate the army, get stabbed, and then single-handedly take down the Huns with a rocket and a zip-line, you can get over your ex. Not to mention that Disney movies bring you back to the golden days, when all you had to worry about was peeing in the sandbox and accidentally calling your
teacher “Mom.”
Mind If you really feel the need to wallow, Eternal Sunshine is the epitome of “I hate my ex” films. Kate Winslet literally gets her memories of (a young) Jim Carrey deleted, which doesn’t sound like a terribly irrational idea if you yourself are freshly dumped. The film even scored an Oscar, proof that it should be more than adequate for your cinematic rebound
MOVIES FOR BREAKUPS 8 | ENTERTAINMENT | fhsroyalbanner.com
MOVIES FOR SINGLES Clueless Your relationships (or lack thereof) might not be as dramatic as Cher’s, but you can at least pretend they are. Enjoy Jane Austen’s “Emma” in Beverly Hills, despite their fashion choices (Matching plaid? As if!) and watch as at least four couples get together with sass and sarcasm. Nothing like watching one of the definitive movies from the decade you were born in to return to your ‘90s roots.
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Titanic
Robin Hood: Men In
A heartbreaking romantic staple, this epic drama details the love story of a rich girl and a poor boy on the doomed Titanic. There is no film like this one to remind you that only one person gets the floating plank of wood when it all comes down to it. Prepare to watch love unfold, to be bored for 45 minutes, then to cry hysterically.
arande ollins raft orner
Tights If you’re a manly man who can’t deign to break gender norms, try this instead. Mel Brooks is a genius, and this cinematic masterpiece making fun of all the “Robin Hood” movies is a classic. Come for the Cary Elwes, stay for the amazing musical number. (Girls, feel free to watch this too. Men. In. Tights.)
Materials Cardboard heart cutout Tacky glue Tissue paper squares Paintbrush by Hannah Carande Pencil and Delaney Collins
Step 1: Paint a thin layer of tacky glue on your cardboard heart cutout
Step 2: Put down a square of tissue paper then put the eraser side of your pencil vertically in the center of the tissue paper and twist it until desired look.
Continue crinkling the paper until the heart is full.
Let dry, hang, and enjoy the festivness of your new tissue paper heart wreath! For a video tutorial on this craft visit fhsroyalbanner.com
Happy Valentine’s Day! fhsroyalbanner.com | ENTERTAINMENT | 9
e h T f O s e r u Creat
We asked four of Fairview’s top athletes about theirs hopes, dreams, obstacles, and their seasons. Here is what they had to say.
by: sageroserb
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Cliff Lester
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his season, senior and captain of the wrestling team, Cliff Lester won both the Gary Daum and Mike Stanley wrestling tournaments and has quickly become a huge threat. As the season progresses there have been many highlights. “We snuck into teammates’ rooms on our team trip and rearranged everything to freak them out,” said Lester. “Also we had a competition for best swimmer in frozen water.” There are many challenges every season, but that hasn’t stopped Lester from competing. “Everyone gets a little sore and beat up, so it’s hard to show up to practice motivated,” said Lester. “Also, by the end of our long tournaments I’m exhausted, but I have to make sure I’m at my best for finals.” Each sport has its own difficulties and adapting to these hardships is what tests your character. “You take a lot of hits just in practice, and in a match you take even more,” said Lester. “So getting beat up a lot is the most difficult part.” Nerves are always a problem for athletes and each one handles them in their own way. “I don’t deal with nerves very well,” said Lester. “I mostly walk around feeling sick and telling my coaches how nervous I am.”
10 | SPORTS | fhsroyalbanner.com
Cliff Lester working for a breakdown
Annika Lai in position under the basket
enior forward and captain of the girl’s basketball team, Annika Lai is motivated to go far this season. Lai is averaging 18 points a game and 6 rebounds. “My favorite moment from the season so far is when we beat Ralston Valley because that’s the team we haven’t beat during all my years at Fairview,” said Lai. “We were down the whole game and then we came back and it was a really good win.” As the season progresses there are many things to look forward to. “I am looking forward to improving with this team and going to the state tournament and seeing how far we can go,” said Lai. The challenges this season for Lai have involved the experience of the team. “I think we are a pretty young team so we have to acclimate to playing together at the varsity level,” said Lai. “We are getting better and it is definitely showing, we are playing better as a team.” Nerves haven’t always been an issue for Lai. “I always listen to music for the entire warm up and I think about the game and going out there and playing how I know how to play.” “It is taxing on your body in every aspect, but I think it is all worth it,” said Lai. As the regular season progresses the final games become very important. “We play Boulder soon and that will be a really big game cause we will play at the Coors Event Center for I think the last time and that’s always a huge rivalry,” said Lai.
Annika Lai
KNIGHT
by: harrisonyoung6
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tarting Fairview point guard Chris Arehart is playing to his full potential this season. Along with dealing out 2.5 of the team’s 8 assists per game, scoring is a big part of Arehart’s game, leading the team in scoring with 18.2 points per game. The basketball season is about half over, but the Knights had a big accomplishment already this year. “Securing Coach Lee’s 600th win,” Chris answered that this was his favorite moment this season. Not only his, but Coach Lee’s also. Fairview sits 7th place through the first 13 games (2 league games) this season. “I’m looking forward to see how well we can place in the league,” Arehart said, hoping to make a push to the top of the league and “see how far we can make it in the playoffs.” The Fairview team this year works well together, led by Arehart and other seniors, “We meet as a team right before warmups to talk about the key things to focus on. Playing through mistakes. When a teammate makes a mistake all five guys have to help recover,” Arehart said. But that’s easier said than done. “Looking back on a tough loss with a critical eye isn’t easy.”
Chris Arehart
Julia Box
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Chris Arehart shooting a free throw
Julia Box coming up for air Photo Credit: Maddie McKown
enior and Fairview girls swim team captain Julia Box is known on more than just the high school level. Box swims with Boulder Swim Team outside of Fairview, and has been to national meets all over the country. “I train all year round with them. I only get August off,” Box said while commenting on her club team. Despite not being able to make to all the Fairview meets, Box says “It’s just fun to spend time with everyone.” Box said. “State is the first upcoming big swim event I have and I am nervous!” “But I am really looking forward to state. I know that I have been training very hard and many other teammates of mine have been too, so I think that state will be very fun.” Box said. “I am confident in my abilities, but there is always the question if will they be enough,” “Your mind and body will tell you stop when you start to endure some of the pain and stress I put it through, but you have to push through that responds to move up and be the best that you could be,” said Box. Swimming is just like any other sport, pulling yourself through water as fast and smooth as possible is harder than it may sound, but it’s more than just physical. “If I don’t have butterflies something is wrong,” Box said. “I think nerves are a good thing.” “I usually embrace them and do breathing exercises to keep them under control.” fhsroyalbanner.com | SPORTS | 11
J Ask Anna N U A R Y 2 0 1 5
Send me your questions at anna@ fhsroyalbanner.com Anna Preobrazhensky
It’s March again! Yeah! Camp Spirit here I come! Every year in March I go to camp in Winter Park. This camp is for kids with RDEB or in other words Recessive Dystrophic Epidermolysis Bullosa. My former P.T. doctor created this camp for kids like me so we can have a place where we can have fun and actually be able to do things that we otherwise might not have been able to do. Every year about nine kids come, all with RDEB. There are always at least three or four from Colorado and the others come from all over the U.S. I like coming to this camp because I come knowing that I will be able to hang out with kids who are like me and so they will know the kind of things I go through. When camp comes around again it’s a relief to come and see everyone and see that they are doing well. EB is a fatal condition, so this means that the chance of us living a long life is smaller than normal people. Last year I met two sisters who were twins and both of them had EB. They seemed as healthy as a person with EB could be but it turns
out that most probably this was not the case. I saw the twins in March. In July I found out that one of the twins had died. This makes me sad and makes me realize that our life is a gift that we can’t take for granted. At the same time though we can’t be afraid of living. We have to embrace our life and live it to the fullest. For four days we stay all together in Winter Park at the YMCA cabins. We get a big cabin all to ourselves. The cabin includes 10 or more bedrooms, a huge living room, kitchen and dining room. There are two levels and bedrooms on both levels. Although I can walk I usually have a bedroom on the ground floor so that I don’t have to worry about the stairs. The bedrooms have at least two beds per room so everyone gets to have a roommate. It’s really fun to have someone in the room with you when it is time to go to sleep because most of the time we aren’t able to fall asleep for the longest so we pass the time by talking. The main event at camp is skiing. We don’t ski like normal people because for us that is too dangerous. Instead we sitski. A sit-ski is a chair on skis. An instructor skis behind us and helps guide us but we do most of the work ourselves. I love the skiing most for many reasons. One is that I love the cold weather. Winter is my favorite season. The heat makes my skin worse so I am always glad when winter comes around again and I can feel com-
HUMANS OF FAIRVIEW By Sara Mccrea Delina Abraha, left. Dawn Ritzwoller, right. 11th grade.
fortable. Another thing is that when I ski I feel free and I feel almost like I am flying. The fun starts out as not too fun. We all have to get our gear on. This sometimes takes a while because with our skin so fragile we have to be careful putting everything on. We check that we have snowpants, boots, gloves/mittens, hats, helmets and goggles. After all of that, the instructors make sure our sit ski fits. If they need to they make some adjustments. Finally, after all of this, we head out for the slopes. We head to the ski lifts where the instructors strap our sit ski to the chair of the ski lift so that we don’t fall off on the way up. When we get up on the slope the instructors make some final adjustments to make sure that they are able to help guide so down. Then it’s time to ski!!! When I am skiing on the slopes I am a speed demon. I go as fast as possible and I love the bumpy slopes. The feel of the winter sun and breeze on my face and the soft bumpy snow underneath me. I love it. On top of the mountain the view is spectacular. The mountains, white against the blue sky. As you go higher and higher up the mountain the sky becomes a deeper and deeper blue. The sparkling snow beneath the bright and shining sky. It’s truly a sight to behold.
Q: Do you think people need to have a significant other to be happy on Valentines day?
Q: What are your plans for Valentines day? A: “Movie night!” Q: What movies are you going to watch? A: “Endless Love, lots of romantics. Lots of Julia Roberts.” 12 | OPINION | fhsroyalbanner.com
Photos by Sara Mccrea
A: “I believe that people think that they need another half, and they’re not complete unless they have a partner. Magazines and the media show that you’ll always be happy if you have a significant other, and that’s not true.” Ananda Rasa, 11th grade
Seeing the Beauty
My bedroom mirror is plastered with quotes. They remind me to look at the beauty in my life and in myself. One of my favorite quotes states, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I realize the reality of this quote every time I read it. There are two very different perspectives through which I view myself and those around me. When I look in the mirror, I see everything I hate about myself - my body type, my bone structure, my inability to achieve society’s definition of beauty. But it’s not just physical.
By Keren Sneh and Rachel Perley
Do you ever have moments of crippling embarrassment over something you’ve done or that one habit you have that you think is really weird? Do you have that one personality trait that you think everyone else finds annoying?
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When I look in the mirror, I see everything I hate about myself.
When I was learning tips on public speaking in seventh grade, I remember one of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever heard was that the audience wants you to succeed as a speaker. The audience is working to see you in your best light. When you watch the video of your speech, you point out every little detail that went wrong. But do you ever realize which parts were great?
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It’s the same when you’re going through life. People are rooting for you to succeed. Remember that just as you view everyone else’s “highlight reel,” they are viewing yours.
We censor ourselves from each other.
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For me, this is a strange idea to wrap my head around. It’s not that I don’t have highlights. It’s just that I see all the bad mixed in. I see myself cry in the mirror when my homework makes me feel dumb. You don’t. I see myself crawl out of bed after a restless night with dark bags under my eyes, and hair that looks like a used mop. You don’t. I see the ugly look of sadness and anger on my face when my social life becomes overwhelming. You don’t.
And the people around us, we don’t see that part of them either. They cry, we don’t see it. They look terrible in the morning, but we don’t see it. We censor ourselves from each other. According to the Nudge Theory, humans are extremely social creatures. How we feel affects everyone around us. As we absorb each other’s emotions, and they change our own. So no matter how antisocial you feel you are, you influence everyone around you.
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Maybe if we all starting pointing out the beauty we see in each other, it would be easier for us to see it in ourselves.
We are all interconnected. We change each other. So maybe if we all started pointing out the beauty we see in each other, it would be easier for us to see it in ourselves. Look in the mirror and see the beauty.
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fhsroyalbanner.com | OPINION | 13
happy
President’s Day by Ben Gelderloos @
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GelderloosBen Phot o by Wikimedia
Commons lassmates, knights, unpa triotic-communist-free dom-haters repent! This of the greatest days in weekend, this nation an this nation’s superior his d school must celebrate tory; the births of Abrah presidents. Millions of two am Lincoln and George tru e pa tri ots wi ll sp en tragedies of the US of Washington, our deare d their time off of sch A’s greatest leaders by sp st ool this weekend celeb rating the lives, triumph litting time between ma about how beautiful this rching to the national s, an d country is. anthem, waving the fla Meanwhile, many stude g, and crying nts are celebrating mere love by eating heart-sh for Valentine’s Day. An aped candies and seren outrage! The only music ading others with roma that should be heard are I-Hate-Freedom-Tine’s ntic music th e glorious chords of the “St Day. ar-Spangled Banner”. M By some impossible ch ore like ance, students have allow ed Valentine’s Day to tak more deserving of their e precedence over celeb love than anyone else. Th ration of the two people is year, replace the babe Lincoln and George Wash who are -themed holiday by spen ing-Stud. In a desperate din g time honoring Babe-ra effort to save the young to properly show love for people of this blessed lan ham the chief executives this d, the Royal Banner prese President's Day weeken nts how d.
Wear Black
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pril 15th, 150 years ag o: a date that all tru e, worthy Americans have engrav ed in their minds and remember like yesterday. As freed om lovers and patriots , this President’s Day the tragic death of Lincoln must be recog nized. There passes not one waking moment when America is not grieving for the death of dear Ab e; may he rest in peace. To those who may be planning to “festi vely” wear red or pink clo thes or show more skin than your for earms and ankles for someone, you might as well deface th e Lincoln Memorial, lau ghing as you destroy an image of lib erty in American socie ty. The only red that should be seen th is weekend is halfway do wn a flagpole on our country’s flag as everyone wets their veils and tuxedos with tears brought from Lincoln’s untimely death . Show some respect.
Defend Your Property from Cupid 14 | HUMOR | fhsroyalbanner.com
Exchange Candies L
et’s be real. Crying about people with top hats and demonstrating patrioti sm all weekend lon g can be exhausting. And what better way to keep us honoring our presidents all night lon g than the good old hig h fructose corn syrup that made this country grow into some thing great… and large. None of thos e lovey-dovey candy he art s with small messages on them to ex change with your frien ds and fellow freedom-lovers, though . Instead you should trade candy printed with, say, the Gettysburg Address or Washington’s farewell address from his last days of presidency. Sure, it would require bigger candies, but this is the land of big ger. And what could make anyone fee l more special than rea ding, “as it may conduce to a more distin ct expression of the publi c voice, that I should now apprise yo u of the resolution I have formed,” on a sugar-packed piece of ca ndy?
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hile your unpatriotic Va lentine’s Day may be ab out love and care, there are some serious safety concerns only be combated by that can constitutional America n values. Naked mythical creatures fly ing around with long range weapons and shooting love arrow s at whoever they want to on anyone’s property? George Wash ington will roll over in his grave. This sort of freedom-destru ction is the exact thing that will turn us into a bunch comm ies who eat bald eagle s every day. This President’s Day, defend your property from th ese terrorizing cupids as they attempt to violate American fre ed oms that our presidents worked so ha rd to support.
Fun Celebration Idea Go to Mt. Rushmore and have a picnic to truly celebrate our presidential founding fathers
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Never Tell A Lie
ur nation’s first presi dent, George Washing ton, was famous for his honest composure and his un willingness to tell a lie. The least we can do to honor his life and legacy is not lying about anyth ing for this one weeken d. However, this is the one weeken d where expectations are for us to lie to one another. Wheth er following through wi th this means telling your date that th e clothes that they are we aring are just ‘meh’ and systematically revealing their greatest flaws or just accepting that Netflix and ice cream are the only things that make you happy as yo u sit on your couch, it is a small price to pay for honoring on e of the world’s (and possibly many other worlds’) greatest human beings ever. Be sides, honoring your country and presi dents is infinitely more important than spending time with peop le who are important in your life. fhsroyalbanner.com | HUMOR | 15
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