October 30, 2015

Fairview High School 1515 Greenbriar Blvd.

Vol. 56 No. 1 October 2015

The Royal Banner 15-16 Staff

October 30th, 2015

Table of Contents

Editors-in-Chief Rachel Grushan Varun Narayanswamy

Image Curator Maya Jayachandra

Section Editors Student News | Keren Sneh Opinion | Cameron Walsh Entertainment | Laura Brack Sports | Sage Rose Humor | Ben Gelderloos Social Media | Sara McCrea, Harrison Young Business | Dvir Goldman

Staff Reporters Arvand Aidun, Molly Box, Noah Finer, Grace Hedlund, Jot Kaur, Braedon O’Callaghan, Michal Olesiak, Conor Pepin, Ryan Swerdlin, Benjamin Tarasewicz, Jasmine Vital

3 4 6 8 10 12 13 14 15

October’s Top Web Story: Fairview Seniors Arrange Celebrity Visit at Children’s Hospital Knight Terrors: Fairview Ghost Stories Retold Fall Athletes Feature Halloween Movies: Tricks and Treats Out Of My Mind: A Peaceful Revolution One Out of Fifty-Four: How Many Students Are Aware of School Board Elections?

Humor: Bizarre Student Reads Class Assigned Book Humor: The Path to Success A.K.A. How to Get Into the Best College Benjamin’s Royal Banter

Copy Editor Adrianne Holland

Webmaster Evan Derby Adviser | Sarah M. Zerwin To subscribe, send $25 to The Royal Banner, Fairview High School, Room 339, 1515 Greenbriar Blvd, Boulder, CO 80305,

Cover image by Noah Finer

or email dvir.goldman@fhsroyalbanner.com

About the Banner

Issue Theme

The Royal Banner is an 16-page news magazine. The Banner is written

Tradition

primarily for the over 2000 students attending Fairview High School and is distributed free of charge to all members of the school community.

Accurate reporting of fact is the goal of the staff. Commentaries, opinion columns and letters to the editor are the expressed opinion of the author and not of The Royal Banner and its Editorial Board or its adviser.

*Disclaimer: Under Colorado law, no expression made by students in the exercise of free speech or freedom of the press shall be deemed to be an expression of school policy. No school district, employee, legal guardian or official of such a district shall be held liable in any criminal action for any expression made or published by a student. The Royal Banner sells advertisements for publicity and to pay for printing costs. We reserve the right to refuse to run any advertisement deemed inappropriate to the Fairview community.

Questions or comments?

Email us at staff@fhsroyalbanner.com

Visit www.fhsroyalbanner.com

for realtime coverage of school events, additional coverage of print stories, photos, videos, and more.

When the Royal Banner sat down to talk about traditions, we asked ourselves exactly how much value they hold. Although some traditions can be unifying, others can be polarizing; take the clash over JV Poms as an example. At the end of the day, how do we want the traditions we choose and support to reflect upon us? And where is there room for new traditions to flourish?

For this issue of the Royal Banner we decided to explore the idea of traditions, whether it be that of watching a Halloween movie, the telling of ghost stories in our school, the respect in which we hold our student athletes, and even the introduction and controversy of Fairview’s newest potential tradition, mindfulPlace an ad in the Royal Banner! Give ness. Enjoy the first issue of the Royal Banner and join us your business great publicity. in celebrating the traditions Email of our school. dvir.goldman@fhsroyalbanner for details.

Rachel Grushan and Varun We offer design services for an additional charge.

Narayanswamy, Co-Editors-in-Chief 2/16

OCTOBER’S TOP WEB STORY: Fairview Seniors Arrange “Celebrity Visit” at Children’s Hospital Originally posted October 7th

By Jot Kaur // @JotKaurRB

About 2 weeks ago, 8 Fairview students dressed as Disney characters and visited the Children’s Hospital to sing, dance, and talk with the children.

The visit was inspired by senior Annie Vincent and her history at the Children’s Hospital.

“I was in and out of the hospital a lot this summer and I saw a lot of kids that were at the hospital for a really long time and I wanted to do something for them,” said Vincent. “My nurse told me that I looked kind of like Belle which is what gave me the idea. I talked [to] the volunteer coordinator at Children's and asked her if I could bring some friends dressed as other characters as well.”

Seniors Chloe Vincent, Liam McKee, Cooper Ross, Marie Marcus, Jenny Sofia Bruns, and Jake Pearce joined Annie and put a “celebrity visit” on the hospital calendar for September 19th.

When asked how the experience affected him, Liam McKee said “[It] helped me put a lot of things in perspective. How lucky we are, especially here in Boulder.

There are a lot of kids who aren't in super good shape.”

Marie Marcus had a similar experience.

“It definitely affected me.

Obviously it made me feel so

The students in their costumes. Photo donated by MC Vincent

Claire Chadwick and Cooper Ross meet with a patient.

Photo donated by MC Vincent 3/16

fortunate to live the life i do and it made me realize how the smallest things can make the biggest differences in a child's life,” she said.

Some of the students noticed how positive the children were and how the songs they sang made them happy.

“I’m in adaptive art and I like working with the kids…

They were really positive even though they're in a really sad situation. That little thing made them so happy” said Claire Chadwick.

Cooper Ross said that “a lot of the kids were super into dancing. So it was just fun to connect with them.”

The students hope to go to the hospital again and plan to do so.

“It was really fun and we plan to do it again in a couple of months, maybe get a bigger group together with more characters,” said Ross.

The day was full of amazing memories, for patients and performers alike.

“The kids would get excited for their favorite song to come on and they would just get a spark in their eyes and light up and start dancing,” said Marcus. “It was really special.”

VISIT OUR NEW WEBSITE CHECK OUT MORE STORIES AT OUR REVAMPED WEBSITE WWW.FHSROYALBANNER.COM

KNIGHT TERRORS: Fairview Ghost Stories Retold

By Molly Box, Rachel Grushan, Harrison Young, and Conor Pepin

B

eneath the school, where students are prohibited, is an expansive room lit by hanging light bulbs. An empty cheetos bag, a crooked ladder, countless deteriorated boxes, trash, and decay are the only residents of the eery space. This is the scene that awaited two Royal Banner reporters when Assistant Principal Ross Sutter took them for a tour within the bowels of the school. Three pillars strain under the weight of the students above the abandoned cavity. In the center of the room, neon against the dark contrast of cement and dust, sits a yellow chair, seemingly occupied‌ but by who?

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student news | fhs royal banner One supposedly haunted area of the school is the loft in the art room. The custodial staff has a history of avoiding that area.

According to art teacher Sarah Halstead, about four years ago the custodians stopped cleaning in the art room loft at night, sparking curiosity among the art teachers.

“We kind of got curious about it, and we started asking them what happened.

They said they would see figures walking around up here when the lights were off at night,” Halstead said.

“We had one custodian who claimed that it was so scary for him,” principal Don Stensrud said. “We had to move him to a different zone. He said he would hear noises, see things.”

Although Halsted has had no encounters herself, she has noticed bizarre activity in the art room.

“There’s always a couple of things that just pop up that make me kind of wonder, things that I put away that are all of a sudden back out,” she said.

“It was usually just projects or tools or cabinet doors. I’m very [careful] about keeping all the doors closed and I come in the next day and they’ll all be open.”

So does Halstead believe that the art

room is haunted?

“It’s definitely a possibility,” she said.

The art room isn’t the only place at Fairview that has a spooky feel. Behind the lights and music, the backstage of the auditorium is supposedly haunted

by Harold.

“Harold is the stage crew ghost,” said Halstead. “He’s a whole different ball of wax. When I work with the stage crew kids, before every show we do a ritual to Harold to make sure the show goes well. If catastrophes happen, it’s usually because they forgot a part of a ritual.

They are very into it within the theatre.”

Senior Caleb Werkmeister, who has been involved in stage crew for four years, said that although the story of Harold has been passed down through stage crew leadership, he has never encountered him personally.

“I haven’t heard about anyone actually seeing Harold,” said Werkmeister. “It’s just a theatre suspicion.”

In 2012, on the night of Fairview’s annual Trick or Treat Street tradition, Student Council brought in a ghost hunter to perform a seance. Several staff members participated in the event, which included Merrit Lealman and Darrell Billington.

Sneak Peak: The Great Fairview Ghost Hunt October 16, 2015 Huddled around the ghost phone in the dark art room, we called out questions as we listened to the muffled radio signals. The questions were varied, as were the answers which paranormal investigator Christopher Moon relayed back to us…

“Did Mr. Billington ever teach any of you?”

“A few of them.”

“Do you ever eavesdrop on the classes?”

“Yes.” “How long have you been here?”

“It seems like a thousand years.”

“Do you open the doors in this room?”

“Big time.”

“What’s four plus two?”

“Shut up.”

Read the full article at www.fhsroyalbanner.com 5/16

The mysterious yellow chiair below the school that started it all. Photo by Conor Pepin.

The ghost hunter used a “ghost phone” to interact with any spirits, a device whose invention is attributed to Thomas Edison. “[The phone] ties into radio waves and ghosts are supposed to be able to talk over them,” said Lealman.

According to Lealman, the ghost phone worked and those at the seance heard voices responding to their questions.

“During the seance the lady and the kids all swear that they heard stuff,” she said, “We were asking [someone] questions and would get a response. We would hear things like ‘yeah.’”

Mr. Billington also recalls hearing abnormal sounds during the seance.

“I’ve heard rumors like everybody else,” he said, “We did kind of hear stuff through the speaker of the [ghost] phone… but we never got the transcripts because the ghost hunter’s mother suffered a serious aneurysm and the recording got taped over.”

So what do you think...is the chair empty? Or was there someone there with our reporters when they took the photo?

features Fall Athlete fhs royal banner | sports

By Jasmine Vital and Sage Rose How’s your season going? / How have you grown through your sport?

Photos by Ethan Weil What would you like to accomplish this season?

What has been you biggest game so far? / Is there a big game coming up?

How do you prepare for a game or competition?

What makes you different from other athletes?

What is your biggest accomplishment in your sport? / Will you continue playing in college?

12 34 56

1 Our season is going well. We have a winning record and have been fighting hard against tough teams.

2 Of course, every year our goal is state, but this year I think we are looking to be state champs.

3 The Boulder game is always a big one, especially this year when we are both very strong teams. (Update: Fairview won 3-0) 4 I am really excited and pumped before every game.

5 The amount of experience I have with this sport. I’ve played for 6 years and have played almost every position.

6 Committing to Virginia Tech.

Audrey Cheng | Volleyball | 11

Audrey Cheng is a junior, setter, and one of the captains of the varsity volleyball team. Audrey has been playing since she was little and made varsity as a freshman. She has committed to Virginia Tech to play volleyball after high school.

Katie Sanko | Softball | 12

1 This is more of a growing year as a program because eight of nine starters graduated but personally I think it’s been a good season and I feel like it’s peaking.

2 I would like to improve leadership, helping everybody on the team to work towards our goal. Execution I know a lot of times I know what I have to do but doing it, that’s where things get tricky.

3 Big games that we are playing are Denver east and Fort Collins. But our senior night game against Legacy is definitely one of our most important games, at least for me. (Update- Legacy: 3-14 loss) 4 I have a playlist of songs that I like to switch around I like to eat a snack and something with caffeine in it. But mentally I always like to know who I’m playing against, I like to know who their big hitters are and be prepared to not just go in blindly. It gives me time to know and adjust to the other team players.

5 I’m very dominant. I like for everyone in the field to know that I am in control not the other way around. I believe that the team has to be a cohesive unit; no matter how good an individual player is, when a team isn’t together then the team isn’t going to do well.

6 I would like to play in college, but I’m not sure of where I want to play yet.

Katie Sanko is a senior and plays pitcher and first base for the varsity softball team. Katie got into the sport first by playing T-Ball at the age of 5 but started playing competitive at the age of 11. She finds it inspirational when rival teams trash talk, as it motivates her and lets her know that they think she’s a threat.

6/16

Andre Miller is a senior, midfielder and one of the captains of the varsity soccer team. Miller has been playing soccer since the very young age of three years old, having his first actual game we he was only four years old. Andre got into soccer through his older brother who is 2 years older than him; “That’s when I got the idea to start kicking things around.”

1 The season is off to a really good start; we haven’t lost yet. (Update: still undefeated) 2 I would like to win state.

3 We play the defending champs Broomfield and Cherry Creek, then eventually Boulder, which is a big game. Those three major games will determine more on how our season will go (update: Broomfield 0 -1 loss, Cherry Creek 0 -1 loss, Boulder 2-1 win) 4 Right before we warm up I listen to chill music. It helps me calm my mind.

5 I can score with both feet, which makes me unique because most people have one strong foot.

Andre Miller | Boys Soccer | 12

Stuart McKnight is a senior and one of the captains of the mountain biking team. He has been biking since a very young age. He is mainly a road biker but also does cyclo cross which is a mixture of road and mountain biking.

1 I don’t like just focusing on going down hill and seeing how fast I can go but I also like going up hill to see how strong I have grown.

2 I don’t really know because I’ve had so many really close ones. I’ve been so close so many times that 2nd place kinda just feels the same.

I really want to win. I’ve been 2nd in many adult categories [which] are generally harder to win. I raced in California this summer in a race called Nevada City. It’s been around for 60 years now. I was 7th there in the adult field.

3 Making top 12 in Nationals.

4 I have a very systematic routine but the week leading up to the race. There is so much biological preparation and getting your body prepared physically as well as mentally. Come race day I find that what works best for me is to eat pasta and pesto and smoked salmon.

It doesn’t matter what time of the day, that’s what I have. I always eat about 2-3 hours ahead of time because when you’re pushing yourself that hard you throw up if you’ve got to much in your stomach.

I complain a lot when I race and when I train you can’t show your cards so I like to train with my team and really get the social side of it. I’m a very social guy. I work well under pressure and I work well with coordinating other people so I think that separates me from other of people. After 6 months of training really hard you just go “woah that was really cool, I didn’t know I could go that fast”.

5 I was 12th I think at the Pacific American Championships which is US kids and Canada and some South America too so that was one of my better races. I’ve won lots of small races but those are big ones I have done well in.

6 I will definitely race in college.

Stuart McKnight| Mountain Biking | 12 7/16

Photo donated by Stuart McKnight

ww

HALLOWEEN

If you’re too old to go trick-or-treating, and you’re spending Halloween at home, there are definitely better things to do than sit around and hand out candy to small children. Halloween is the perfect time to bust out some spooky movies.

Hocus Pocus (1993) This witch-filled Halloween flick is the perfect option if you jump every time you see a black cat cross your path. It features Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy as three witches that are resurrected 300 years after their conviction in the Salem Witch Trials and will do anything to look young again. This movie is nothing but fun, and is one that will soon become a tradition. However many Halloweens you whip out this family-friendly classic, the adventures of the three wicked sisters will never get old.

Little Shop of Horrors (1986) If you have an intense fear of plants that eat humans and catchy musical numbers, then you might want to get a blanket to hide under for this one. “Little Shop Of Horrors,” though wonderful in the original 1960’s low-budget version, is so much better when it is accompanied by timeless songs and Bill Murray in the 1986 version. The terrifying being of Audrey 2 is scary enough that you will be eyeing your succulents for a while, but not frightening enough to ruin the fun of the characters and the memorable songs.

Young Frankenstein (1974) If you’re looking for a movie that will make you laugh out loud, Mel Brooke’s “Young Frankenstein” is the halloween film for you. Gene Wilder stars as Dr. Frankenstein, and delivers fantastic one liners such as “It’s pronounced Frankensteen,” and all of Igor’s quips, like “Master, it might be dangerous . . . you go, first.” Join this hilarious cast of characters on a journey of monsters, mayhem, and plenty of innuendos. Since most of the humor will go over young children’s heads, high school is the perfect time to discover this flick. This classic will leave you in stitches, not unlike the monsters created by Dr. Frankenstein himself.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)

No S

care

“I got a rock.” If you haven’t seen the Peanut characters partake in the fun of Halloween, you have missed out on a core tradition in many childhoods. And even if you’ve seen it every year since you were born, watch it again. There’s nothing like watching the Peanuts gang and laughing at how many holes are in Charlie Brown’s ghost costume.

After watching this one, you’ll be tempted to spend October 31st in a pumpkin patch, just like Linus!

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treat (not scary)

MOVIES

by Laura Brack // @RB_LauraBrack and Sara McCrea // @Sara_McCrea entertainment | fhs royal banner

Whether you like adorableness and camp or straight-up terror and screams, you’ll make new Halloween traditions with these movies.

trick (scary)

Shaun of the Dead (2004) Don’t you just hate it when your plans to win back your girlfriend are interrupted by a zombie apocalypse? Okay, so maybe this movie’s not exactly scary - in the end, “Shaun Of The Dead” is a comedy, and you’re definitely more likely to burst out into laughter than you are into screams, though the film is pretty gory - which, understandably, isn’t everyone’s thing. If you can get past the blood, though, you’ll laugh, cry, and have the sudden urge to kill zombies with your crew while listening to Queen.

The Ring (2002)

Blu-Ray discs aren’t scary. DVDs aren’t scary. Most VHS tapes aren’t scary - except evil cursed ones that promise to kill you within seven days. “The Ring” is the American remake of a Japanese movie of the same name, but in no way does it dilute the original’s quality. Regardless of the version you watch, you’re going to want to take all your old VHS tapes to a thrift store and never see them again. If you’re interested in diving into the mythos of “The Ring”, you also might want to get some tissues - not only is this franchise scary, it’s also really sad.

A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

After a stay at a mental hospital following the death of their mother, sisters Su-mi and Su-yeon return to their oblivious father and wicked stepmother, only to find their house haunted. Though the premise is simple enough, “A Tale Of Two Sisters” is a movie that takes multiple re-watchings to get - it’ll terrify you the first time, make you feel smart for understanding it the second time, and terrify you again once you discover all the easter eggs your third time around. The film tricks you at first; the nightmare scenes and jumpscares aren’t much, but once the second half begins, it’s a psychological ride that runs on unadulterated nightmare fuel.

Psycho (1960) Even if you don’t like horror movies, you’ve heard of “Psycho”, and if you haven’t seen the whole thing , this Halloween is the perfect opportunity to do so. With a movie this old, there’s bound to be some spoilers - and, yeah, you can pretty easily find out what happens in “Psycho” by taking two seconds to Google the plot summary. However, it’s definitely worth it to keep yourself in the dark and avoid spoilers if it’s your first time watching it; you’ll get even more scared than you would’ve otherwise.

9/16

OUT OF MY M a peaceful revolution

By Grace Hedlund / Photo by Rachel Grushan

W

ith the stress of grades and schoolwork, many students need to relax their minds and take a break. Mindfulness is one strategy teachers are starting to use in order to raise student achievement and lower student stress.

Mindfulness is finding your center and being grounded. It can be achieved by focusing on your breath and relaxing your body; it is a state of being aware and living in the

moment rather than thinking about distractions. Mindfulness is very therapeutic because it allows you to accept your emotions and feelings in a calm state. It is a great way to step back from the busy world around you and look at life in a new perspective.

Becky Roetto, one teacher who is practicing mindfulness and who helped introduce the concept to Fairview, believes that mindfulness can have a positive impact on 10/16

MIND

students’ ability to learn.

“For some kids, they’ve told me that it’s been invaluable to them, just helping them be calm and focus at the beginning of class,” said Roetto.

Other students agree that taking a few minutes to focus on breathing and relax helps them get in the right mindset for class. “[Mindfulness] benefits me because then I can be more calm and relaxed and focused when we are learning stuff,” said sophomore Liana KerrLayton.

Not only does mindfulness benefit learning, it also helps people control their actions and emotions. “[Mindfulness] helps me focus and it just gives me that ability to be a bit calmer when my emotions do start to take control… it gives me that second in between a big choice where I can actually respond to a situation rather than just react,” said Roetto.

There has been some controversy to whether or not mindfulness has religious aspects.

“I like to call it mindfulness because when you talk about meditation it has some religious connotations,” said Roetto.

Does changing the name, actually change the meaning of these practices? In both meditation and mindfulness, you get the same results and effects. It doesn’t matter what place you’re coming from, the purpose of these practices is to be present in a relaxed state. Both mindfulness and meditation are only religious if you intend them to be. Whether you are religiously practicing mindfulness or not, you will still experience positive effects.

Mindfulness has been proven to benefit people in many ways. Doing something as simple as focusing on your breath can dramatically change someone’s attitude.

According to The Mental Health Foundation, “Mindfulness meditation has been shown to affect how the brain works and even its structure. People undertaking mindfulness training have shown increased activity in 11/16

the area of the brain associated with positive emotion – the pre-frontal cortex – which is generally less active in people who are depressed.”

Mindfulness affects our emotions by filling us with positivity. We are able to be happier which can increase student achievement.

Positive emotions help students learn, while feelings of depression make it harder to focus.

“We can encourage staff to do [mindfulness] because the data shows that when you’re being mindful, you are able to have a longer sustained attention span and you are able to have a greater sense of focus,” said counselor, Matt Mowen.

A survey called “Mindfulness at the Castle” was sent out by Ms. Roetto, Mr. G, Mrs. Hearty and Mr. Mowen.

The survey was sent to the faculty to determine if they would be interested in practicing mindfulness at school.

7.4% of the teachers responded no, they wouldn’t be interested, 81.5% said yes, and 11.1% said, not at this time.

Even though many teachers are eager to participate in mindfulness during class, some students are disrespecting the the practices.

“The method we are currently using is not working… because no one is taking it seriously,” said Kerr-Layton.

If more students took mindfulness seriously and cared about it, more teachers would participate in these practices during their classes. This could soon escalate to more teachers practicing mindfulness every day at the beginning of class. Hopefully, mindfulness gets integrated into each classroom and becomes another Fairview tradition. “[Mindfulness becoming a tradition at Fairview] is the goal; that’s what we are hoping to do,” said Roetto. “Instead of just being high achieving… we can also really address the stress that goes along with being so high achieving.”

One Out of Fifty-Four:

How Many Students Are Aware of School Board Elections?

By Braedon O’Callaghan // @Braedon_RB

BVSD is a school district of about 30,000 students in 56 schools. This year it is having an election regarding its future, and things aren’t looking good.

Laurie Albright of the current school board is stepping down. This member is from district D, which is the district that encompasses Boulder, so the election is especially important for many Fairview students because they are choosing their representative.

In a poll conducted by the Royal Banner of 54 students, only one of them could name one candidate.

The school board is a collection of citizens that vote on how they want to change the school district, which can result in dramatic changes for students and teachers. This year, there are three candidates for the new position: Chris Barge, Kathy Gebhardt, and Susan D. Femmer. Although all of these candidates would bring change to the district,

they still don’t get very large name recognition.

In a poll conducted by the Royal Banner of 54 students, only one of them could name one candidate, and that candidate was Chris Barge. Many students didn’t even know that there was an election, or what the school board is.

Amongst the 14 teachers and admin interviewed at school, the results were much better, but still not great, with 53% not able to name any. Most of the adults, however, did say they knew there is going to be an election, so that was an improvement over the students.

Given the number of Chris Barge signs around Boulder, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that he would have the largest name recognition among students and adults, but this wasn’t the case.

Kathy Gebhardt had a slightly higher name recognition among adults, and the one student who remembered Chris Barge didn’t remember his last name.

Susan D. Femmer was the only candidate to never get mentioned by a student or adult, which is certainly not a good

< The percentages of candidates that the 54 students polled could name.

The percentages of candidates that that 14 admin / teachers could name. >

12/16

It is crucial that [BVSD] do some work to educate the students in the district about how everything works when it comes to people who control the district. position to be in if she hopes to win.

The main problem with the election, other than people not knowing who the candidates are, is that people don’t know what the school board is or does.

This is a pretty large problem, not only for the candidates, but also for students and parents who want to have a say in their future. If BVSD wants to have good representation with the students and parents, it is crucial that they do some work to educate the students in the district about how everything works when it comes to people who control the district.

Too Assigned Books s Clas s Read Far Gone? fhs royal banner | humor

A look into the life of a student who...

By Ben Gelderloos

If one goes to sophomore Aiden Chelsea’s house around

an hour after dinner every night, one could witness a most remarkable sight.

Chelsea has developed an unusual tendency to diligently read and annotate the books that he has been assigned in his IB language arts class. His abandonment such a common tradition brings up many questions. What could drive a person to such a dire point and is there any path for a return to normalcy? For

Photo by: Ben Gelderloos

Aiden, the future is unsure.

“He seemed like such a normal guy,” said former friend Fred Gibraltar, “but he has this deep hidden side that I guess surfaces as that weird habit. I just don’t know what went wrong with him.”

The Chelsea household is not an unusual one. There is rampant procrastination, last minute cramming, and crushing constant pressure to get As and go to a top college. But somewhere in this path to success, something went wrong.

“I don’t know where we took the wrong turn in our parenting,” said father John Chelsea. “I just wish that I could have a normal son who fulfilled what everyone else expected of him. Would it kill him to make some stuff up once and awhile?”

Chelsea has only confided his secret with Gibraltar, his family, and his language arts teacher who was surprised at Chelsea’s unprecedented understanding of the assigned texts.

“I can’t remember the last time someone came into class knowing more than just what a summary site like Shmoop or Sparknotes had to say,” said teacher Allen Laderhosen. “Maybe I should just have class for him, that would work way better.”

Chelsea has not been unaffected by his condition. He recounts losing friends, not being offered unique opportunities, not to mention all the time he has wasted on reading books.

“All I’m doing is completing what I’m asked to do,” Chelsea said. “Doesn’t everybody care about the value of their 13/16

learning instead of doing the minimal work possible?”

We usually just expect them to thumb through the book and decide to hope they don’t need to know about it.”

Chelsea has been known to read as many as 50 pages in a night and completely annotate the book for the bizarre purpose of educational benefit as opposed to mindlessly filling a requirement.

“Aiden Chelsea proves to be quite the interesting specimen,” said Yale-trained psychologist Richard Hammon. “His remarkable behavior is unique among high school students. We usually just expect them to thumb through the book and decide to hope they don’t need to know about it.”

Unfortunately, Chelsea still lives in a world of denial to his absurd condition.

“I don’t see what the problem is,” Chelsea said, “I’m just a dedicated learner who takes time to complete assignments.”

Perhaps one day this student will be able to make a path to recovery but for now his destructive affliction will continue to burden him with good grades and an understanding of literature.

fhs royal banner | humor

The Path to Success...

by Noah Finer

C

1

Never being calm allows you to work much, much faster.

With faster work you will get much more done, which colleges love. Avoiding all meditation, pleasure, and sources of hope can easily achieve artificial stress!

Unfortunately, doubting this has butchered some students’ chances of getting into a good college.

“I think that’s not a good way because I think that you need to be calm sometimes to not get too stressed,” said freshman Will Griffith.

Though some people think calmness is the key to success, it is the key to failure. Most of the student body has not realized the evil intentions of the mindfulness initiative, which is propaganda created by our government to crush dreams. The government accomplishes this by crushing dreams of college in order to make everyone depressed and less focused on the US debt. The only way to combat these evil intentions is to work constantly and be stressed.

(

a.k.a. How to ge t into

)

the b e s t c o l l e ge

i

ollege is a huge part of students’ lives, especially in the traditionally competitive environment at Fairview. Every year, seniors apply to their dream colleges. And every year too, they do not get in. It seems to be a mind-numbing tradition that continues the same way every year. But fortunately, there are new, great ways to get into college.

The main strategy that you must use to get into college is to become obsessed. And that works perfectly. There are many different, excellent ways to live your life isolated, stressed, and completely devoted to colleges!

Here are some great ways to do this and get in easily.

2

You can also impress colleges by planning every day of your life out in order to become president. But most importantly, when you finally do become president, plan to fund the college with millions, therefore profiting the colleges and having them accept you. Yet again, students still doubt this idea.

“Generally colleges aren’t trying to get more money. It’s an educational society [and] they’re trying to make well-rounded people, well-educated people.

They’re not trying to profit from their business,” said freshman Stanislav Irosov.

But planning your life around to become president will make you well-rounded. If you become president, you will be rich.

Therefore you can eat whenever you want, making you plump and round. After being president, the college would have made a wellrounded person and get some extra money on top of that. What

college wouldn’t want a wellrounded student with some extra money?

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Another strategy is to isolate yourself to solely focus on your dream college. The ideas and opinions of other students are hazardous and they will attempt to make you unfit for your dream college.

The only way to combat these evil ideas is to ignore them, and therefore ignore everyone. But still, some people think that they can simply talk to other kids and still get into a decent college.

“Many people will have the same ideas as you, and they’ll be good ideas, even if they don’t go to your same college and don’t share your same ideals,” said freshman Camille Lamarque.

They haven’t thought of how everyone else can easily be an undercover spy attempting to rid you of your happiness. We all know the government is trying to spoil your opportunity to be

According to every brainwashed kid, will you be a happy and successful person?

Are you going to go to the best college or university?

Game over! Enjoy your life of misery.

14/16

No

Yes

Congrats! You have found the only Path to Happiness.

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Another great strategy is to stand out from the crowd. Being sure to never sit down accomplishes this. Even on airplanes, cars, classrooms, toilets, and sitting

Basically, a dream college is like a heart. If you don’t have it, you die.

But despite the certainty of these new ideas to put anyone in college, some students still worry about the possibility of not getting in. That is a false worry. Basically, a dream college is like a heart. If you don’t have it, you die. The only solution for survival is to become stressed and make sure your entire life revolves around college. With these tips, anyone can easily make it through the government’s tricks and live a successful life.

Benjamin’s Royal Banter T h e

or

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competitions (if they exist.)

Having such a devotion to standing will impress the colleges greatly.

“I think that’s creepy. If you don’t get tired from doing that [then go ahead], but at the same time, sitting’s good,” said junior Mackenzie Johns.

As Johns stated, the human body isn’t optimized for the task of standing constantly. That is correct. But injuries are nothing compared to the sacrifices you must make to get into college.

Additionally, with some simple surgery, it is easy to stand up constantly.

m hu

)

happy, and they have hired literally every person that’s not you as a spy to spoil your dream college and cause depression.

No matter how friendly the spy seems to be on the outside, you must reject them in the meanest, cold-hearted way you can think of.

You can also base your schedule entirely around your college and then train your body to use the bathroom at specific times revolving it. There’s no doubt that colleges will like how efficient you are with your time and how much control you have over your bodily functions. But still, there are objections.

“That’s a bit obsessive, and that would show colleges that you might need mental help in the future,” said freshman Destinee Wilkins.

An obsession isn’t bad, though, as Wilkins thinks, due to how it can show that you are devoted to something. Colleges love someone who is devoted to them, no matter how much they are.

R o y a l B a n n e r ’s J o k e s C o l u m n

Hi, my name is Benjamin Tarasewicz,

and I LOVE jokes. Here are some of my favorite ones:

What is the quickest way to make a bagpipe sound way out-of-tune?

Change the G to a D, and you have a “badpipe!”

How is a tootsie-roll related to hip-hop music?

It has a rapper!

Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?

Because they were standing on the deck!

Did you ever hear the joke about the bed?

No? That’s because it hasn’t been made yet.

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A woolen sweater with deep pockets!

What’s the difference between a train and a teacher?

A train says “choo-choo!”, and a teacher says “spit that gum out!”

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

What has one horn and gives milk?

A dairy truck!

Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was amazing!

What do you get if you divide a pumpkin’s circumference by its radius squared?

A pumpkin pi!

Halloween Joke

*A few of these jokes I made up, but most of them I’ve heard around.