Issuu

Issue no 6

RoacheS

Printed by Societe Nouvelle OTRAD Services Published by The American University of Paris Edition of 2023 Copyright © AUP Student Media and Individual Contributors, (2023). All Rights Reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission, in whole or in part, may be made without written permission. Please send all inquiries to roaches@aup.edu

Roaches Fall 2023 The American University of Paris 6 Rue de Colonel Combes 75007 Paris, France Gender, Sexuality, and Society Program

“Beloved community is formed not by the eradication of difference but by its affirmation, by each of us claiming the identities and cultural legacies that shape who we are and how we live in the world.” - Bell Hooks

Editorial Team Regina White

Arianna Williams

Editor-in-Chief

Editor

Graphic Designer

Marteena Mendelssohn Deputy Editor and Creative Director

Isnell Tjamag Graphic Designer

Agata Kozuchowska Editor

Madison Ponder Editor

Lissa Lincoln Faculty Editor

Letter from the Editor Dear Readers, In December 2021, the world lost a revolutionary feminist thinker, poet, teacher, and activist; bell hooks. Ms. Gloria Watkins, aka bell hooks, focused attention on the unique cultural oppression experienced by black working class women. She identified a significant deficiency within white feminism and black male anti-racist scholarship and determined that each identity has the ability to produce and propagate oppression. An enthusiastic scholar, Hooks was a leading intellectual of my generation. She was responsible for over 40 works and scholarly articles, addressing a myriad of topics, such as love within the black community (All About Love), black masculinity and it’s relationship to the patriarchy (We Cool), and selfesteem among marginalized people (Rock my Soul). Reading bell hooks, for the first time, was like being embraced by a cousin or an aunt at a family reunion; it felt like she’d known me my whole life. Our introduction resulted from reading “Marginality as a Site of Resistance,” an exceptionally personal piece of writing that welcomed me into the world of feminism; a space where traditional, white feminism never allowed me to reside because, as a black woman, there never seemed to be an appreciation for the issues that consistently impacted my intersectional reality. Her words were warm and familiar, honest and alluring, but most of all, she echoed the struggles of oppressed people and provided solace in being seen, heard, and understood.

The Roaches staff comprises an incredibly radical group of inspiring and talented individuals committed to educating the world and creating positive change. The varied backgrounds, perspectives, and experiences of the staff and its contributors have provided the AUP community with unique views meant to provoke compelling content. I want to thank everyone who has contributed to the production of Roaches. The staff would also like to thank our advisor, Professor Lissa Lincoln, who has played a crucial role in supporting and guiding us.Your extensive knowledge, mentorship, and invaluable advice have given us the essential elements for our team to function as a cohesive unit.

Regina White

Table of Contents Written Work 10 Body Autonomy Madison Ponder

60 Despair and Invisibility Regina White

22 Grievances from a Soul of Sorrow Marteena Mendelssohn

65 Gender Performance, Queer Heterosexuality, and Desire Marteena Mendel-Duckins

26 Hey YT Girl Regina White 28 Sexism in the E-Sports Community Meredith Simms

71 Gender Difference in Personality Disorders; Science or Politics? Aurora-Rain Rose

38 All Lovers Tess Russell

78 Forgiveness Marteena Mendelssohn

46 I Love Y... Madison Ponder

80 Nowhere Marteena Mendelssohn

50 How Palestinian Women’s Rights are Affected by Living in Occupied Territory from the Perspective of Feminist Legal Law Diana Sabbagh

82 Like A Wolf Spitting Blood Breanna Ludwick 84 POWER Breanna Ludwick

Art Mallory Boyd Armando Cabba Isabella Edwards Malala-Samirha Waseme Ariana Williams

Body Autonomy By Madison Ponder

RoacheS Issue no 6

When engaging in feminist theory, a frequent critique presents itself in regard to bodily autonomy and self-expression. From abortions to dress codes, individual theorists have each come to their own conclusions as to what equality between the sexes looks like when examing the body. In her seminal article “Robin West, Jurisprudence and Gender: Defending a Radical Liberalism”, Martha Nussbaum engages with the interpretation of the separation thesis proposed by Robin West to demonstrate that the bodies of women are deserving of equal respect in law because their identity is equal worth to a man. When defining the separation thesis, Nussbaum looked to the physical separateness of the individual and how their subjective experience cannot be accurately interpreted by another or represented within the law. Conversely, Jacqui Alexander, in her article “Not Just (Any) Body Can Be a Citizen”, cites government regulation of lifestyle as a product of compulsory heterosexuality. She contextualizes that by banning homosexuality and other forms of non-productive sex, the state effectively undermines the woman and ties her to a male counterpart. When looking at specific examples of law, one can look to 12

the regulation of full-facial coverings (including the niqab and the burqa) by the state to demonstrate the limitations placed upon the body of the woman and how such types of bans inversely support sexism. Before examining the interactions between the law and facial veils, we must first define the separation thesis in isolation. In short, the separation thesis is the belief that there is an intrinsic divide between individuals, both physically and mentally, that prevents complete understanding of the other. As stated by Nussbaum, “we have bodies whose essential organs are bounded by a wall of skin that is our own and nobody else’s” (Nussbaum, p 988). She utilizes this incredibly literal notion of the separation thesis to illustrate the full extent of the boundaries between each person. Further, “all attempts to grasp the subjective experience of another are interpretations, not mergers” (Nussbaum, p 990). Conversely, every single human being possesses a unique collection of experiences that have shaped their body and mind in a way that makes their perspectives, at least in part, inaccessible to others, including those closest to them like family and friends. But how is this relevant to the law: By making legal assumptions based

Body Autonomy

upon the private lives of othseparation thesis, everyone is eners, one forces conformity to a titled to two things: equal worth cultural standard which inversely and equal respect (Nussbaum, strengthens the state’s control p 994). However, regulation of of the body. private life undermines the latter When looking at the sepaby strengthening stigma around ration thesis from the context foreign cultures. By distributing of a legal framework, one must choice within the law to the inponder how the boundedness dividual, the government is best of the individual able to navigate would manifest “There is an intrinsic diverse political within the law. By divide between opinions. Let us acknowledging a individuals, both now consider natural difference physically and the example of in the individual, mentally, that full-facial covone is asserting prevents complete erings and how that said differunderstanding of the they interact with ences should be other.” the separation respected due to thesis. In April their inevitability and attended 2011, the French senate passed to in a way that fits the subjective a law banning wearing full-facial experience of the person (Nusscoverings in public spaces to baum, 992). However, the point defend security and secularism. of controversy enters when the While the state was the first to individual’s difference is condo so, Belgium adopted a simsidered in the political sphere. ilar ban later in the same year. What needs to be remembered They are the sole countries to is that understanding and dealing possess these types of laws. with diverse identities can best Since the implementation of the be accomplished by relying on bans, there have been numerone thing: the individual that ous lawsuits filed claiming the possesses said unique traits. laws are a violation of human As a result, each person is best rights, but cases have so far been suited to conduct themselves dismissed in court. The reguin accordance with their own lation of face veils has been a beliefs for while others can significant controversy in recent always empathize, they can never years with those in favor of the internalize. Nussbaum comes to bans arguing that the veil inhibits the conclusion that within the identification and infringes upon 13

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the rights of women. Opponents reverse this argument, claiming that by regulating face coverings, the government is restricting religious freedom and inversely reinforcing patriarchal values by dictating what is acceptable for women to wear in public.

“The form of respect that is adopted is instead based on what equality means from a western viewpoint; to be free is to be free to show one’s body, but not to hide it..” One of the most prominent cases filed against the states was S.A.S v France where a female French citizen asserted that the law was discriminatory to her as a woman and a Muslim, as it did not allow her to wear her niqab or burqa in public. She cited Articles 8, 9, 10, and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR) as the grounds for her case. She claimed that it infringed upon her rights to a private life (Article 8), to practice religion (Article 9), and to express herself (Article 10). The citizen further confirmed, “she is a devout Muslim and she wears the burqa and niqab in accordance with her religious faith, culture and personal convictions. [...] The applicant emphasized 14

that neither her husband nor any other member of her family put pressure on her to dress in this manner” (S.A.S v France). However, the European Court of Human Rights unanimously ruled that the French law was not a violation of the protected rights established in the ECHR, they cited the parameters of Article 9 (2) of the ECHR, claiming the law was necessary for maintaining public order and safety. Furthermore, the Court concluded that the principle of “living together” was not directly linked to the rights protected under the ECHR, so the claims of discrimination were deemed illegitimate. When engaging with this case from a feminist perspective, it can appear to be a progressive and secular policy that aims to weaken the control that men have over women. However, if one examines the nuances of the case, the evident internalization of patriarchal standards becomes apparent. The most crucial question to ask is, what was the goal of this ban? Was it to protect the rights of women, or was it motivated by cultural hostility to Islam? While in writing the law employs neutral, secular language, its effects within society do not have the same parallel. The law, in and of itself, may be looking to create a

Body Autonomy

more progressive society, but it to hide it. Alternative narratives inversely reinforces the patriarof freedom are not accepted, chy by strengthening the control under the assumption that there over female bodies (Nieminen, is a united definition of femi“Eroding the Protection Against nism. Nussbaum’s characterizaDiscrimination”, p 76). To fully tion of the separation thesis is understand the motivations of especially convincing because the law, we should look to those it highlights how problematic it subjugates: religious women, normative equality can be when primarily Muslims. it is applied to a group of people Embedded that do not share in the language her face must be on a common notion of the bill is the display to everyone, of liberty. notion that there so they may By applying is an approprievaluate her worth. the separation ate standard to thesis through dress as a woman. The state has a lens of cultural multiplicity, deemed that she must be visible the importance of respecting to the world; her face must be on non-Western feminist perspecdisplay to everyone, so they may tives becomes apparent. Bibi Baevaluate her worth. Thus, while kare-Yusuf asserts that western the state seeks to protect the intheory is least comprehensive tegrity of the woman, it inversely when it is applied uncritically to strengthens the idea that her foreign modes of understanding existence in society is only perand cultural practices (Bamitted after her body has met kare-Yusuf, “Yoruba’s Don’t Do the physical demands placed on Gender”, p 3). She utilizes the it. By implementing this law, the example of the Yoruba people in state has effectively violated the Nigeria where a de jure equality second part of the separation exists between men and womthesis outlined by Nussbaum, en, but the de facto situation as it fails to show equal respect of the state is one of gender to individuals of different social inequality. In the case of facial positions (Nussbaum, p 995). veils, the application of western The form of respect that is ideals becomes faulty when it adopted is instead based on what overlooks the reasoning for wear. equality means from a western Western discourse has assumed viewpoint; to be free is to be the burqa and other coverings to free to show one’s body, but not be oppressive because a portion 15

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of women have claimed it to be. However, this overlooks the fact that other women’s subjective experience with the veil has not been rooted in oppression but instead in their local faiths, as witnessed in the case of S.A.S v France (Nieminen, p 73). This is not to say that there are no cases where the wear of full-facial coverings is motivated or enforced by patriarchal values; the central point of this argument is that by removing the aspect of choice in clothing, the state reinforces the objectification of the female body. Beyond Nussbaum’s use of the separation thesis, Jacqui Alexander’s use of Foucaultian theory in her article, “Not Just (Any) Body Can Become a Citizen”, can be used to highlight potential problematic aspects of the ban of full-facial coverings by the state. Alexander utilizes two examples of laws regulating homosexuality-- one in Trinidad and Tobago and the other in the Bahamas--to indicate how state monitoring of same-sex coupling reinforces patriarchal values. She claims, “heterosexual practices carry the weight of the natural only in relational terms and ultimately, one might argue, only in its power to designate as unnatural those practices which disrupt marriage and certain dominant 16

notions of conjugal family” (Alexander, p 10). In other words, the government will only monitor and criminalize certain practices if it threatens the cultural norms established by the state. She furthers that while the law has been attempted to be rationalized as a way to decrease “perverse” sexual acts, this is an inverse reinforcement of patriarchal values, as the state still depends on the sexualization of women for economic support (Alexander, p 19). Both Trinidad and Tobago as well as the Bahamas are tied to tourism for economic stability, which is primarily directed by women.

“Because of the ban, the body of the woman has essentially become a tool of the state.” Jacqui Alexander’s use of Foucaultian Theory can be applied to the regulation of full-facial coverings, as the reasoning behind crim inalization is the same: reinforcing state power and cultural norms. France is a country that claims a high degree of secularization and gender equality, so the general population must reflect that; in fact, in the case of S.A.S v France, the state asserted that the ban was necessary for ‘living together’ as

Body Autonomy

a multi-cultural state (Nieminen, p 73). However, the ban on facial veils undermines both aspects of this claim. Muslim women are not able to live to their fullest because they are forced to lead a lifestyle that differs from the one they desire; Additionally, they are not living with the rest of the French population, as they are isolated and scrutinized based on their culture. Alexander contextualizes that bans on lifestyle “serve to reassure men, for they are the archetypal citizen” (Alexander, p 20). The regulation of the veil is a reflection of the unequal social positions between men and women, as it solely affects women. The ban reassures the man by maintaining a standard of femininity within society. Thus, the most central aspect in determining whether a policy adheres to Foucaultian theory is analyzing how choice is distributed to the subjects of the law. For women, the choice in regard to wearing a facial covering has already been made by the state. Because of the ban, the body of the woman has essentially become a tool of the state. Jacqui Alexandar claims that the state criminalizes certain practices primarily to illustrate the power that it has over the individual (Alexander, p 6). In her article, the example of the criminalization

of same-sex coupling in Trinidad and Tobago is used, but the main points of the theory can be applied when analyzing facial coverings. The goal of strengthening the state’s power is evident through this analysis, as the veil was banned as a demonstration of control over women. Her body is no longer separate from the state; instead, it is something that must be maintained to fit a societal standard. Her value in public spaces is tied to “upholding a representable femininity” (Alexander, p 13). Similar to Nussbaum, Alexandar sees laws policing bodily integrity as misrepresentative to society as they are unequally distributed based on gender. Jacqui Alexander’s use of Foucaultian theory can be combined with Nussbaum’s characterization of the separation thesis, as both see the state as a key player in regulating personal liberty; most importantly, they both deal with the issue of suspended rights in regard to bodily autonomy. Alexander looks to the population of homosexual individuals living in Trinidad and Tobago to demonstrate the use of state power. Alternatively, Nussbaum utilizes the separation thesis to show the dangers of falsely equating people’s subjective experiences with the law and each 17

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other. In the end, both Alexander and Nussbaum conclude that the state’s primary goal in regulating sexuality is to establish a social standard for women to adhere to. The case of S.A.S v France is an ideal example of the use of legislature to police the woman, as the ultimate justification for banning full-face coverings is that society expects the woman to be visible to the world. While at first the regulation of facial coverings may appear as an attempt to secularize the state and limit oppressive practices against women, it effectively accomplishes the opposite, as it reinforces the idea that women are not capable to conduct themselves in public spaces without an authoritative figure — in this case, the state — to guide them. This law unconsciously establishes cultural and biological inferiority of religious women by limiting their right to choose. Critically, bans of this nature, permit the state to further regulate any aspect of private life with the excuse of homogenous cohabitation.

Bibliography: Alexander, M. Jacqui. “Not Just (Any) Body Can Be a Citizen: The Politics of Law, Sexuality and Postcoloniality in Trinidad and Tobago and the Bahamas.” Feminist Review, no. 48, 1994, pp. 5–23, https://doi. org/10.2307/1395166. Bakare-Yusuf, Bibi. “‘Yoruba’s Don’t Do Gender’: a Critical Review of Oyeronke Oyewumi’s The Invention of Women: Making an African Sense of Western Gender Discourse.” Cassava Republic Press, 2004, pp. 61-81. Fleming, Nathaniel. “S.A.S. V. France: A Margin of Appreciation Gone Too Far.” Connecticut Law Review, vol. 52, no. 2, 2020, p. 917–. Lalinde, Sophia. “S.A.S. v. France.” Global Freedom of Expression, 12 July 2022, https:// globalfreedomofexpression.columbia.edu/cases/ s-a-s-v-france/. Nieminen, Kati. “Eroding the Protection Against Discrimination: The Procedural and De-contextualized Approach to S.A.S. v France”. International Journal of Discrimination and the Law, 19(2), 2019, pp. 69–88. https://doi. org/10.1177/1358229119838457 Nussbaum, Martha C. “Robin West, ‘Jurisprudence and Gender’: Defending a Radical Liberalism.” The University of Chicago Law Review, vol. 75, no. 3, 2008, pp. 985–96.

Body Body Autonomy Autonomy

RoacheS Issue no 6

Grievances from a Soul of Sorrow By Marteena Mendelssohn Let’s reconcile the belief that I is more than You. For you are who I am and you is from our truth. Inside of the tunnels of sorrow our truth holds light. In what we cannot see our spirits contain all the sight we need

To move forward

so we dig

and we build

and we move

with dark

bodies and light voices that pave way into the black night blundering us into bits of bodies until our brown eyes turn into crimson blood on the backside of a painted canvas that’ll never see the day

break

Me into the world of the unknown.

We tap into our souls and we make blood glimmer like sunshine. It’s not our light that bleeds into the darkness and unveils the parts

You or I refuse to see, it is our faith in the light that allows us to be u s so.

Take our light

take our truth

But don’t take us back to the starting line.

HEY YT GIRL

By Regina White Hey yt Gurl When you walk into a room, do you look for yourself? Not for a mirror, but the people who reflect your experience as a survivor of generational trauma, the people who share your dark coco complexion, the people who understand what it’s like to know that your hair texture determines your ability to survive; or the people who share in your anger simply because you breathe. In your world, do you walk into a room with the knowledge that everything reflects you? How does it feel to reside in your sanctuary; in a house built with slave labor, to survive within a system dedicated to preserving your fragility. Do my people teach you how to dance, produce your favorite songs, or play on your favorite sports team? Can you see beyond my sista’s utility, do you recognize a feminine goodness, a queen of the earth, or a formidable threat; or is it possible for you to identify with my loneliness, my vulnerability, my gentleness, and my humility, without commodifying it? Are you a creator, a co-conspirator, or a complicit cog within the system in which you benefit? I’m not only a spectator but an expert in your ways, words, and customs. My sistas live like stark black boxes, strategically posted; our role seems easily understandable to you; but our purpose eludes your comprehension, because this is the only world in which you are required to lodge or acknowledge. In the middle of everything, nothing is as prevalent as black against a stark blanched background.

I hear the laughter before I see the culprits, their contagious joy saturates the still insipid space. Large blocks of brown hue converge, the space evolves from farina to Yoo-hoo brown. My sistas and I transform the bland into savory, the quiet into a rainbow soliloquy, and we enliven the air with Lowry’s Season Salt. While you repackage our sweetness into a flavorless version to fit for your sensitive palate; we’re sprinkling Frank’s Red-Hot concocting powerful blends of soul. We don’t want to be strong We want to be vulnerable and frail We don’t want resilience We want permission to not be forgiving We are human We are women We are the divine feminine

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Try hard” (dentonstrout0) “That’s not even impressive” (mvjezierski) “POV you have never felt the touch of a man” (couldudont_). All these comments are said under a TikTok by Hannahxxrose, a content creator for the XSET gaming and esports organization. Scroll through a video, stream, or post by a woman playing a video game and one will notice how prevalent harassment is, based on their gender. It surprises most people, that, in 52% of gaming consumers are women, even though their participation may not be in competitive games, but rather in family games such as Words with Friends (Jayanth). Games appeal to many people, yet with harassment and stigmatization around women playing games, the incentive to play more competitively against other players and genders is lost. Ending harassment in video games and Esports should be a priority of game developers and tournament directors because, with an unwelcoming environment for women, they won’t want to participate in gaming, resulting in the loss of half of the consumer group for video games.

Sexism in the E-Sports Community By Meredith Simms 28

Sexism in the E-Sports Community

Gaming is a Sport

For years, gaming has been viewed as a hobby, but today it’s more than that; it’s a profession and sport. Video games have shifted from a recreational pastime to a competitive game with tournaments. On October 19, 1972, the first video game competition took place at Stanford University’s Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (Kane, Spradley). 43 years later, 27 million viewers watched the League of Legends championship, surpassing the viewership for the US finals of Basketball, Baseball, and Hockey (Canning, Betrus 66). Today, many view competitive gaming as a sport. Jason A. Engerman, who holds a Ph.D. in Learning, Design, and Technologies from Pennsylvania State University, and Robert J. Hein, a former English teacher and competitive gamer, found from the Electronic Sports League (ESL) that “ ... esports should be considered a legitimate sport because they combine ‘abilities such as hand-eye-coordination, dexterity, and reaction speed as well as tactical understanding’” (62). Additionally, like any sport, Esports players earn money from tournaments and sponsors (62). And more money is now being invested into college funding for esports (Kauweloa, Winter, 30). Some students can earn a few thousand dollars, or even full-tu-

ition scholarships Winter 31).

(Kauweloa,

52% of gaming consumers are women, even though their participation may not be in competitive games

Women in Esports

Women represent a very small fraction of the student gamer pool. In a study run by Nyle Sky Kauweloa and Jenifer Sunrise Winter, researchers from the University of Hawai‘i at Mānoa, only one player out of the 16 interviewed identified as a woman (Kauweloa, Winter 35). Player 8, being the first of two women in a college esports program in the US, announced she would most likely change her role from competitive player to coach or team manager because she anticipated she would not be as skilled compared to the men on the team (38). In relation to these findings, Se Jin Kim, a Sport Management Professor at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, noticed that even though women typically be lieve their gaming performancecompared to men is worse, theyactually hold ample skills, but “arereluctant when picking up skillsfor electronic games, trying toplay passive roles rather than activeroles... ” (17). Stephanie “missharvey”Harvey, an esports playersince 2003 who 29

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has won five Women’sElectronic Sports World Cuptitles, believes women are afraidto competitively play as a result ofthe fact “that it’s scientifically proventhat ladies need to be taught tobe competitive, while men are naturallycompetitive. This needs tobe taught

pating in the program,89% of the girls believedthey were a leader, comparedto only 46% at the beginningof the program. Additionally, 99%of the girls believed they would geta job at some point (1). Women’ssports communities increase effortsto change past stereotypes by creatinga safe en“It’s scientifically proven that vironment for womento learn ladies need to be taught to be skills, express ideas, andgain competitive, while men are opportunities typically unnaturally competitive.” availablein all-gender spaces (2).Ultimately, women-based earlier on, whether it bein sports communitiesare the best way to or gaming. It’s super importantif empowerwomen and eradicate we want to see more femaleplayers sexism in anysports industry, inin esports. Teach themat a young cluding Esports. age to enjoy competing”(Richman). This trend of lackof con- Online Harassment fidence can also be found ino- Similar to their in-person expether sports. From the Olympic rience,women encounter harassReview(Number 110), it is noted mentand gender-based abuse that“pressure to conform to tra- online. Butwith the addition of ditionally‘feminine’ stereotypes anonymity andthe lack of faceleads manygirls to abandon sport to-face consequenc es, many entirely” (1).Even though it has people say things onlinethat they been found thatsports drive “gen- wouldn’t in an in-personsituation. der equality, byteaching women From the book EGirls,ECitizens: and girls the valuesof teamwork, Putting Technology, Theoryand self-reliance, andresilience” (1). Policy into Dialogue withGirls’ This empowermentwas the incen- and Young Women’s Voices,it is tive for the partnershipbetween understood that online harassUN Women and theInternational mentis “a form of sexual vioOlympic Committee(IOC) which lence”and “when people’s safecreated One WinLeads to An- tyand integrity is compromised other (OWLA) (1). Thisprogram online,they are marginalized combines sports andeducation to and/orpushed out of these spacempower women.After partici- es. Whenthis happens repeatedly 30

Sexism in the E-Sports Community

based ongender identity and/or sexual orientation(among other factors, includingracism), these patterns ofdiscrimination exclude certain socialgroups from full participation...” (Fairbairn 234). In fact, the consequencesof online harassment canresult in more than leaving gaming,as mentioned in The #E-Too Movement:Fighting Back Against SexualHarassment in Electronic Sports.This harassment can lead to womenabandoning their online presence,which can then affect future employmentand accumulate a “costincurred by victims for things likechanging a phone number, hiring alawyer, and, in some cases, movingexpenses” (Holden, Baker III, Edelman22). Furthermore, this gender-based harassment has not diminishedbut is actually on the rise“with 46 percent of women worldwidereceiving sexist or misogynistcomments as a form of onlineabuse” (Barker, Jurasz 97). Specifically,Miranda “Super_Yan” Pakozdiexperienced very public sexualharassment from someone shethought was a supporter, her coach:“(Aris Bakhtanians) took controlof the camera and, instead of filminggame-play, focused on Pakozdi’sbreasts and buttocks and proceededto make lewd comments abouther bra size and boyfriend” (Holden,Baker III, Edelman 4).

Pakozdieventually quit gaming after moreextensive harassment, ending hercareer live by purposely getting herselfkilled in-game to symbolize herno longer tolerating the harassment(4). Online harassment normalizesin-person abuse, and as a result, silenceswomen in a way that encourages them to tolerate the abuse.

Moderation

Despite the evidence, some people,like Engerman and Hein, believeEsports to be an inclusive communitythat “continues to endure andthrive” (Engerman, Hein 63). Theseclaims view the fast-paced growthof Esports as reason enough to seethis industry as inclusive despitethe evidence: in 2019, only 5% of professional gamers were women (Hilbert). This online harassmenthas created an unwelcoming spacefor women in video games. As a result,game companies have createdmoderation efforts such as recruitingvolunteers to keep forumsclean and conversations friendly.Players in the game can then reportpeople who appear to be breakinggame rules by cheating, threatening,discriminating, etc. to moderators,and game companies cantake appropriate actions. However,as stated in the book Violence andTrolling on Social Media: History,Affect, and 31

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Effects of Online Vitriol,since it is up to “the site’s users whodecide whether or not to report aparticular comment tothe moderators ... thecommunity of users has alarge say over the extentto which hate speech andonline vitriol are tolerated”(Clucas 48). In otherwords, many women stillface harassment in gamechats and on platformsbecause groups can band togetherto harass other players, and withonly one member on the team makinga report, the claims can go unrecognized.In July 2022, Valorant,a

Though moderationof game chats can be a solution forin-game harassment, this solutionfails to promote the participationof women in Esports or to removesexist stereotypes which discouragewomen from playing games competitively.

Female-Supportive Gaming Communities

The best approach to combat sexism in Esports is to create female-supportive gaming communities. Similar to the UN Women group, OWLA, gaming communitiesaim to provide a space “Though moderation of forwomen to practice their game chats can be a solution skills withother women for ingame harassment, without the worry ofharassthis solution fails to ment. The female-supportpromote the participation ivegaming community, PMS of women in Esports or to Clan, hascreated a network remove sexist stereotypes of 60,000 womenand allies which discourage women to encourage acceptancein from playing games gaming spaces. In their miscompetitively.” sionstatement, thePMS Clan is “committedto breakingshooter game by Riot Games, down walls, stereotypes,and beganrecording players’ voice boundariesfor femalegamers by chatsduring gaming sessions to providinga pro-women environ“take actionagainst players who ment, fosteringcompetitive spirit, use voicecomms to harass oth- and buildingan inclusive support ers, use hatespeech, or otherwise network forwomen and our aldisrupt yourexperience” (Kan). lies” (PMS Clan).To demonstrate Many playershave been voicing the effectiveness ofthis solution, privacy concernson Twitter, some Gabriela T. Richard,through her even stating theywill stop playing research on intersectionsof culthe game altogether,but the up- ture, media, and socializationin date is still expectedto be released. the areas of video games,found 32

Sexism in the E-Sports Community

that these communities didresult in positive changes acrossgenders: “Women in the communityhad significantly higher gamingidentification and self-concept thanthose in other communities--to thepoint that they were on par withmale gamers in general--and weremore likely to play competitively orsocially online compared to thosenot in a community...” (Richard39,40). Additionally, “... “The gaming community needs to reduce harassment, amplify women’s participation, and destigmatize women in the community.”

gressively.Her newfound confidence showsthe team with whom she is playingthat she has the requisite skillsto succeed, and as a result, they lether play the active role she wantswithout questioning her abilities(Kim 41). With the large numberof women who participate in recreationalgaming, the percent ofwomen who compete as professional gamers should be greater. The gaming community needs to reduce harassment, amplify women’s participation, and destigmatize women in the community. Creating supportive communities for female gamers will help achieve this goal.

There was astrong support that the female-supportivecommunity diminishedthe effects of stereotype threat forwomen across ethnicity and sexualityand allowed them to fully participateboth in-game and in socialand collaborative learning aroundgames, inways that havelargely beenreserved formen” (39, 40).By making female-empoweringgaming communities morecommon, women are bound to increasetheir participation when giventhe means to take more assertiveroles without harassment. Oncea female player begins to competeagain after gaining skills and confidencefrom these communities,she competes more ag33

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Works Cited @couldudont_, Comment

Clucas, Tom. “‘Don’t Feed the Trolls’: Social

on “Some epic bedwars moments https://

Media and the Limits of Free Speech.”

vm.tiktok.com/ZMebqcLjd/.

Violence and Trolling on Social Media: His-

@dentonstrout0, Comment on “Some

tory, Affect, and Effects of Online Vitriol,

epic bedwars moments https://vm.tiktok.

edited by Sara Polak and Daniel Trottier,

com/ZMebqcLjd/.

Amsterdam University Press, Amsterdam,

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“ESports Gaming and You.” Educational

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Bailey, Jane. “A Perfect Storm: How the On-

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Hilbert, Justin. “Gaming & Gender: How

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We’ll bind ourselves together physically and abstractly. We’ll bind ourselves so tightly in this world that the universe won’t be able to unbind us in the next world. All lovers have muttered, “I wish we could stay in bed forever.” And we really did. Unlike others, we meant the words we spoke. For a while, it was bliss. Our bodies, entangled, became one. Like vines, we grew all over the bed and eventually overtook it. The vines reached the floor and soon poured out of the room itself. The sheets became too hot. We and our love had soaked through them, leaving them a mess. At first, we liked that the sheets were our own - that they would forever be warm and hold us. But the hotness was unbearable. We ripped the top sheet off eventually. The light would come and go, and we enjoyed watching it. This way, we could actually watch it. Our words varied the most, amidst the simple life we now found ourselves trapped in. Sometimes we said nothing but spoke of everything. The words became redundant, though. Dust gathered around the room. Objects were now covered with ashes, and the sunlight revealed the unclean, heavy air. It was as if it were always snowing in our own heaven. The walls aged and the paint was peeling and flawed. The candle wax was all melted, and the only fire we had was the one in our souls. This fire never failed to illuminate us and our world. The chandelier had crashed one day. Crystals remained exactly where they had fallen. The moonlight once reflected these fallen crystals, and we discovered some in ourselves. Some beautiful crystals, indeed, we were producing in the caves of our souls. Feathers began poking out of the pillows and were soon throughout our hairs. The bed started to sink as it supported not only our bodies but also our love. How heavy that must have been for a bed to hold something the universe can barely contain. We were becoming too much for this little world, heaven, sanctuary, room. Our vines made their way out of the room, bursting out. The vines would soon be too much for the world, and after that, the universe. They would contain themselves as long as they could, but before long, they would be too much. Maybe someone would cut those long, never-ending vines and end their search and endless suffering through this labyrinth of life.

Tess Russell 38

She looked up into the night sky and said, “If only you knew the dreams I’ve dreamed.” The moonlight filled her soul with happiness and contentment. Night was the only time she wasn’t observed and critiqued. She could let her hair down and open her robe, breathing in cool air along with the scent of flowers that enveloped her soul. Her soul’s cravings were insatiable and unfulfillable, however. The flower’s igniting scent only subdued the cravings for a moment out of the endless moments she endured. A very short time, indeed, in relation to eternity. She grabbed a rose without committing murder, and bent down to lightly touch her nose to it. The scene was reminiscent of a James Waterhouse painting. Her pale, peach-coloured chiffon robe got caught by the night breeze, and even the ruffles around the hem danced. She was alive, but at the same time not at all. While physically she looked free with her loose hair and waltzing robe, she glided through the floral archway like a ghost/apparition. She was calm, only for that moment, and attempted to release (exhale) the air she had been holding (that had been trapped) in her doll-like posture all day. He appeared and walked along beside her, feeling like the goddess beside him was in love. He attempted to understand but was too gentlemanly to persist. He liked to think that he knew the dreams she dreamed. She let him think this, as it was senseless to try to change a (perpetual, ceaseless) gentleman’s mind on anything. He was indeed at the place where his attention has one object, and that object means more than life. In such a state, life is merely life, as the person’s world becomes their object. She did not want to be anyone’s world, as she could barely manage her own sacred world inside herself. She told everyone this, and of course it was taken poetically rather than realistically and matter-of-factly. She would roll her eyes and drop her hands to her sides in frustration and hopelessness, but didn’t try any further after those assumptions.

Her eyes found the moon as she continued walking along the flowerfilled path. She could feel its energy as one feels the warm rays of the sun. Its energy was as strong as the sun’s rays are warm. Finally, she let the wind carry her robe away. Away her robe went, leaving her in her entirety and showing all to be physically desired. She didn’t feel bare, and she would not unless the gates of her heart were open, showing all of her. She did feel free and like she could finally absorb that energy from the moon, which was real and pure. The gasps from the man beside her were stifled by the twinkling of her soul’s stars and the harps playing in her mind. She killed the rose she had previously smelled and placed it behind her ear. This moment extended itself for her pleasure. And all the frustrations of her past drifted away, as if they had never existed

Tess Russell

Madison Ponder Why would I wait for eternity when I could have the chaos and terror of today? Trapped in the spoils of youth and the ignorance of beauty Languishing in my own mortality They say age before beauty but my day may never come So my nights will be soaked in spirits Scattered with strangers And stained with smoke For in the end We will be nothing But dust and shadows.

Madison Ponder I love y… The words go up in smoke Stinging my already puffy eyes The match illuminating my tear-stained cheeks I raise the flame to my lips Paper kisses fire, scorching my fingertips I light my cigarette off of the burning letter you wrote me Hoping I may once again feel The insatiable high that was loving you

Artist Spotlight: Arianna Williams (She/Her)

My name is Arianna Williams: a 19-year-old photographer, filmmaker, activist, organizer, poet, lover, and creative mind who grew up in NYC, but now finds herself creating in the city of Paris. Throughout my work as an artist, I have dedicated my art to creating spaces and telling stories that are

often misrepresented and disregarded. With my strong belief that art is an extension of the self, my photographic and film creations stem from the stories and lives of those closest to me. With the responsibility of image-based art creation being an archival form of artwork, I look to situate my-

self amongst themes of growth & gratitude, self-reflection, and radical imaginations of the world. My current collection of photography consists of self-portraitures, the styling of inanimate objects of my everyday life, and as of recently, documentary-based photographs of the places I visit taken on film. I have been grateful enough to develop a soft place in my heart for the hands-on technique that comes with shooting on film. My current mode of shooting has been the cameras my grandfather used in the 70s while growing up in Guyana that he passed down to me along with his passion for image making. In my process of creating films, I have utilized this image-based space as a tool of imagining stories of queer, Afro-Caribbean, people of color through narratives that prioritize themes related to their/ our happiness. There is an importance I have bestowed about showing stories of people who look and walk through life like me, through a lens that exclusively emphasizes the beauty of community. With participation in collectives such as the Imagemakers program at the International Center of Photography and acceptances into film festivals like the Girl Improved Film and Theatre Festival (GIFT Fest), I have been

more than grateful to witness my work grow and spark conversations amongst a variety of spaces. One of my films, Eyes Behind the Frame, grants a well-deserved spotlight upon the subculture of teenage photographers of color based in NYC and the stories they choose to tell through their art. Calling upon my fellow photographer friends who I admire so deeply, this film has had the honor of being screened at art collective showcases such as The Meteor’s 21 for ‘21 event and winning one of the Best of the Fest awards at the Texas based film festival, GIFT Fest. In an effort to continue the amplification of young voices in spaces of art creation, my participation in panels such as the International Center of Photography’s (ICP) Teen Storytellers Impacting Change (hosted by Photoville) and Filmocracy’s Girls Make Movies panel, has been most rewarding. I look to continue to amplify my own voice and that of the people who I create alongside with. I can only hope for the same enthusiasm that has rewarded me in my creative paths as I continue to grow into my artistic presence. My future, not only as an artist, holds the same images of love, community, and exclusive positivity that I illustrate throughout my art.

RoacheS Issue no 6

How Palestinian Women’s Rights are Affected by Living in Occupied Territory from the Perspective of Feminist Legal Law By Diana Sabbagh 50

PALESTINIAN WOMEN’S RIGHTS

It has been approximately 75 years since Palestine was officially recognized as an Israeli state. During this time frame, the colonized people still residing within these lands have been living under apartheid; being denied access to basic living necessities, such as electricity and, in the case of the Gaza Strip, safe drinking water, as well as being deprived of such things as descent healthcare and education. Their daily imports and exports are monitored and, especially as it concerns the West Bank, they may as well be living in a prison state, since they are not allowed to leave, nor can anyone enter. There are several policies that have been set in place to uphold the power structures within Israeli as well as the patriarchal power, which in essence strips Palestinian of women’s basic human rights. This does not only impact the encounters that Palestinian women have with Israeli people and officials but also the manner in which they are treated within their own communities and homes. The system amplifies patriarchal structures, which in turn increases the violence that the women of Palestine face. Simultaneously, the conditions under which the entire colonized community lives, deter it from progressing, denying the opportunity for women

to ever find liberation from the multifaceted marginalization they experience. When education, employment, and the ability to freely move within Palestine are restricted, women living under a system with set laws and practices that subjugate them are especially affected, seeing as the imposed patriarchy much more heavily impacts their access to any form of power.

“There are several policies that have been set in place to uphold the power structures within Israeli as well as the patriarchal power, which in essence strips Palestinian of women’s basic human rights.” From the standpoint of the feminist legal theories, this is precisely one of the critiques being presented in regard to the law: when there are features of the law that actively discriminate against women, denying them access and thus power due to very pragmatic limitations they have to endure, they are already at a disadvantage. In this case the law does not address the numerous struggles that are at the cornerstone of a Palestinian woman’s daily life and, as such, places her in a condition where she is constantly fighting for basic rights. Therefore, the Palestinian 51

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woman’s struggle is not solely where they are not in control of rooted in her gender, nor is it ful- their finances and cannot be inly encompassed through the lens dependent, Israel’s refusal to proof the racial and class oppression vide opportunities for Palestinian that is perpetuated by the Israeli women to become employed is government. Such an essentiala way to keep them subjugated ist approach and under the would belittle “Within occupied Palestine, control of their either of these women are deemed men experiences powerless through policies, Although and it ismore services, institutions, and Israel has efficient to see unemployment.” formal laws the entirety of in place to women’s experience within Palprotect Paelstinian women’s estine by approaching it from the right to find employment, such framework of intersectionality. as the Palestinian Labour Law Within occupied Palestine, of 2000 (Richter-Devroe, 2011), women are deemed powerless and despite the fact that this is through policies, services, institu- an updated and more advanced tions, and unemployment. More law than previous ones, there specifically, since the occupaare several reasons why it is not tion, Palestinian women tend to effective. For one, it excludes such steadily have a 50% higher unareas of industry as domestic, employment rate than their male agricultural, or informal labor, counterparts. For instance, while which make up the majority of 39.7% of Palestinian women were female employment (Azzouni, unemployed in 2021, only 21.2% 2010). Moreover, there is a clear of Palestinian men were in a simcontradiction between this law, ilar position. One reason for this which, in practiceensures womis the fact that there are a total of en’s ability to seek work, and the 25 government-supported daydeliberate and disproportioncare centers that allow Palestinian ate lack of services that would women to enroll their children. support this endeavor, i.e. the In comparison, Israeli women underfunding of government-led are granted 16,000 such daycare childcare centers along with the centers. This effectively restricts minimal childcare services prohow many Palestinian women vided privately by business owncan enter the labor market. By ers. As Jacqui Alexander (1994) maintaining them in a position notes, “the focus on state power 52

PALESTINIAN WOMEN’S RIGHTS

is not to imply rationality or even of laws that are in place to safeinternal coherence… [These] guard it. In the Naqab area, Israel Seemingly emancipatory pracrefuses to recognize the village. If tices such as legal ‘protections’ of Israel does not legally recognize women’s interests or provisions a village under their ruling, they which constrain violent domesare not seen as a place covered tic patriarchy” are paradoxically under the law, thus their right to antithetical (p. 6). They appear education is no longer seen as a to be in placeas a facade rather given right. As a result, the girls than to provide a stepping stone living there are not able to have towards the liberation of women’s access to the public schooling suffrage. As a result, the Palestinsystem, effectively also shutting ian Labour Law does nothing to them out of higher education ensure that a Palestinian woman and, therefore, opportunity for gets equal rights compared to her work later on. The law, in this male countercase as well, “If Israel does not legally parts or other provides the recognize a village under their opportunity Israeli women ruling, they are not seen as a to work and to everyone, place covered under the law, provide for including Palthus their right to education herself and estinian girls is no longer seen as a given her family. and women right.” Essentially, residing withthis perpetuing occupied ates a model where, despite the lands, to receive formal, free, apparent protection that the state public education. The law of Free provides, the Palestinian woman Compulsory Education of 1947, finds herself trapped and forced the Women’s Equal Rights law of to depend on others, namely 1951 as well as the Universal Decmale figures and the oppressive laration of Human Rights of DeIsraeli state, to ensure her and her cember 1948, article 26, were all family’s survival. instated as a way to provide the Palestinian women are often chance for all to have access to denied access to education, even education and the positive consethough there are laws that safequences that this entails. In fact, guard this right. As it pertains to Israel also ratified Article e 10 of education, there are numerous the Convention on the Eliminaways in which Palestinian women tion of all forms of Discriminaare denied access to it regardless tion Against Women (CEDAW) 53

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in 1979 which was made “to ensure women’s equal rights with men in the field of education, in rural as well as in urban areas, this equality shall be ensured in pre-school, general, technical, professional and higher technical education, as well as in all types of vocational training” (The Working Group on the Status of Palestinian Women Citizens of Israel, 2010). Yet, none of the preceding laws accurately described the situation within the occupied Palestinian territory. The budget provided in Palestinian areas for free, compulsory education is minimal. Regardless of the Commission of 2003, which requested that disparities in access to decent education between Palestinian and Jewish citizens be addressed, education, especially in areas like the Naqab, did not become much more accessible than before. Yet again, this confirms the critique presented from the feminist legal theory perspective that the law actively marginalizes women’s access to such structures that would give them agency and power to break free from patriarchal constraints as well as racial oppression. The alleged equality that is offered through such provisions is illusory and acts as a way to distract from the real implications and practices in terms of providing equal access to education, or 54

lack thereof. Secondly, education within Israel, for those girls that have access to it, is controlled by Israel and reflects the messages that they wishe to reinforce. The textbooks provided to Palestinian schools remain outdated, and, more vitally, contain content that serves to uphold biased, if not harmful, depictions of gender. In fact, “a committee [was] set up … to examine gender stereotypes in school textbooks [and] concluded that 60% or more of the textbooks examined in the Palestinian educational system include a wide use of gender stereotypes” (The Working Group on the Status of Palestinian Women Citizens of Israel, 2010, pp. 2728). This becomes a prominent problem seeing as this is virtually the only access that Palestinians have to gender representation since access to the media, extracurricular books, and the Internet are highly restricted and regulated by the Isreaeli government. As a result, having the particular notions being projected to them systematically, at such a critical moment in their development, causes both Palestinian girls and boys to adopt these harmful views of gender and, in turn, later reinforces patriarchal ideals even in their own communities. Women are almost always seen in the private sphere of the

PALESTINIAN WOMEN’S RIGHTS

house and are never attributed tion is exercised is through the qualities that are more assertive, hun dreds of checkpoints that are such as taking part in decision in place within the Palestinian making, having leadership skills, designated areas. Checkpoints are or working, unless they are in installed with the aim of restricthelping professions, such as nurs- ing movement to Palestinian peoes, secretaries or teachers (The ple, as a way of assert their power Working Group on the Status of over them, with the official claim Palestinian Women Citizens of being that they are there to proIsrael, 2010). Consequently, this tect the security of the people and is another unmistakable example the area. Having 593 checkpoints of how the law disregards the in the West Bank alone means systems that are set in place to that there are several instances maintain the status quo of the where Palestinian people cannot patriarchy so that this inevitaget to hospitals in time or at all, bly influences decisions “Checkpoints are installed with the made, not only in daily aim of restricting movement to life, but also on the legal Palestinian people, as a way of assert level. While the state may their power over them, with the maintain that it has ratiofficial claim being that they are there fied laws and policies that to protect the security of the people equally secure all women’s and the area.” access to education, the practices that are set in motion from a very foundational should they be denied permit. level, such as the indoctrination This becomes an issue especially that occurs from a very early age, since specialized hospitals are sustain a very different system, mainly located within East Jeruwhere women are seemingly salem, which is off limits to Palestreated as equals but are just as tinians most of the time (“Health oppressed as in the past. Care System in Palestine,” 2020). Healthcare is yet another area Palestinian women feel the imwhere Israel law and enforcement pact of these policies much more of policy contradict each other, heavily, especially in the case of leading to discriminatory practhose who need access to a hostices against Palestinian women. pital to give birth. On numerous Israel law enacts policies that hin- occasions, therefore, Palestinian der access to the medical system women are forced to give birth in as a whole. One way this obstruc- unsafe, undignified, and some55

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times fatal conditions, due to beare more substantial. Access to ing denied passage. The situation reproductive healthcare is seis amplified when considering the verely limited by Israel’s military minimal and unstable access that occupation, which also contribPalestinian areas have to water utes to the system being drastiand electricity, which accounts cally underresourced, with access for poor living to adequate conditions and “More than 45,000 pregnant prenatal and a higher need Palestinian women were postnatal care, for hospitaldeprived of access to basic treatment, and ization as a reproductive health services, medicine being result, let alone and approximately 5,000 of inexistent for poor quality them gave birth in extremely many Palesof care withpoor conditions.” tinian women. in hospitals For instance, themselves, which, as a result, are Palestinians in East Jerusalem deprived of the ability to apply only have access to 10 infant necessary sanitary measures health clinics, compared to 26 in (“Health Care System in PalesIsraeli West Jerusalem (“Health tine,” 2020). When considering Care System in Palestine,” 2020). that there are policies in place Based on UNESCO accounts, that also control imports to Pal“‘more than 45,000 pregnant estinian areas, the shortages that Palestinian women were deprived exist within hospitals located in of access to basic reproductive the Palestinian areas profoundly health services, and approxicontribute to the devastation of mately 5,000 of them gave birth the quality of healthcare (“Health in extremely poor conditions’” Care System in Palestine,” 2020). (Shupak, 2018). The feminist It is not surprising, then, that life legal theory critique of the law, expectancy is ten years lower for stating that it has openly discrimPalestinian as compared to Israeli inatory laws that place women women (“Health Care System in at a disadvantage, is confirmed Palestine,” 2020). From a femiwhen considering the staggering nist legal theory perspective, the statistics that demonstrate the law is blatantly enacting policies inordinately high mortality rate that disallow for equal access for Palestinian women, as well to healthcare for all individuals as for their newborns, where within its jurisdiction. In the Palestinian newborns have three case of women, the implications times less chances of surviving 56

PALESTINIAN WOMEN’S RIGHTS

while mothers have four times more chances of dying at birth than their Israeli counterparts (Shupak, 2018). The feminist legal theorists would contend that while individuals now claim that human rights are put in place to ensure that women are treated and protected under the law just as equally as men, such official declarations do not necessarily reflect the real picture. In many contexts, as is the one pertaining to Palestinian women the commitment to following these human rights policies is shallow. The patriarchal systems that founded the basis of many governments and laws, including Israel, are still in motion despite alterations and amendments that seemingly now protect women’s rights. Feminist legal theoristsmay question whether these policies act as a facade that ultimately reinforces relationships of power and domination (Scales 1986). What is more, in the case of Palestinian women, it is important to consider that they are dealing with two sets of unique and unequivocal oppression; gender and racial identity. When the law addresses either one or the other, it acts within an essentialist framework that silences women and does not address the full scope of the problems they face

within occupied Palestine. Therefore, from the feminist legal theo rists’ stance, the structural bias of international law still exists even with its imposition of equal rights laws but also in the manner in which it fails to follow up with and address the manner in which these laws are applied at a foundational level so as to unmask the oppression that still exists (Engle 2005). In order to ever consider the full spectrum of oppression and dominance that is practiced within the law and society as a whole, a more intersectional framework of reference may offer a more optimal starting point. While there are several laws that are officially in place either directly through the Israeli government or imposed by International law that are supposed to secure Palestinian women’s rights, there are just as many policies that counteract their protective nature. Palestinian women living within occupied Palestine are said to officially be protected by International law, granting them equal rights to men as well as to Israelis. In reality, however, they find themselves in a situation where they are not able to progress in terms of having a job, becoming financially independent, or seeking basic education and health services. As such, many Palestinian women and their 57

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children end up living in poverty and unsanitary conditions, which negatively impacts their chances of survival. The problem for women of Palestine is twofold as they are faced with discriminatory laws within Israel that oppress all Palestinians, as well as policies and obstructions to justice that specifically target them as women. From the feminist legal theory perspective, the blatant underfunding of organizations, institutions, and services, which would allow the Palestinian woman to advance within society, places her at a disadvantage regardless of laws that have been ratified to maintain her human rights. The

same goes for the case of checkpoints, which, in the most literal sense, limit her access. While there are many covert ways in which the law is not followed, there are just as many flagrant instances where the policies that govern Israel discriminate against the Palestinian woman in particular. Before she can seek justice and before she can fathom a better quality of life for herself and her family, one that would reflect the standard that Israeli women live by, the Palestinian woman has to face laws and policies that keep her within bounds and control her reality.

RoacheS Issue no 6

Despair and Invisibility By Regina White 60

Despair and Invisibility

With a tremendous amount of dread and anxiety…I regret becoming a mother. Out of fear for the consequences and shame, I amongst many other mothers are admitting that they regret becoming parents. After having a daughter and a son, whom my life revolves around, and for whom I’d give every internal organ to save, I must confess my dissatisfaction and shameful bitterness with my choice to become a mother. My maternal guilt remains a significant and omnipresent force that propels me to believe that the feminist movement lied to me when it said, ‘ I could have it all.’ Why hadn’t the women who paved the way for me to excel in a predominantly male profession not been honest about the cost I would pay at home? Am I meant to wallow in this shameful darkness alone? Brene Brown, a Psychologist who studies shame, says, “Shame flourishes in the dark. It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.” My daughter is Why hadn’t the women who 23; she’s the age I was paved the way for me to excel in when I gave birth. a predominantly male profession She has a better grasp not been honest about the cost I of what she wants would pay at home? and how she wants to live her life than I did; therefore, when I spoke to her about having grandchildren, she was confident that she never liked them. She began by describing the current state of the world; overpopulation, global warming, poverty, water/food scarcity, and the eventual destruction of life on earth (except for the Cockroach). According to her, she was unwilling to spend the money required to raise a child (according to the USDA, it costs $233,610 to raise one child for 18 years). She also bore witness to her parents’ struggles, even though we thought we successfully shielded our children; she bore witness to our vitriolic arguments about finances, military deployment, childcare, household chores. From those conversations, she rightfully ascertained that our marriage was held together by very fragile fibers. According to her, she knew that we remained married to raise our children in a “stable” home, even though our home was often the bedrock of instability. During this conversation, my daughter said she didn’t think I should have had children. Although I was a great mom, she could see and feel I could have done so much more with my life if I hadn’t had a family. 61

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In her opinion, having a family had stifled my dreams and uprooted my potential. She told me, “You give me rich auntie vibes.” I did not know what that meant, so I had to look it up in the Urban Dictionary. My conversation with her felt as if the universe was giving me the space and permission to question and understand how and why I made the decision that altered the course of my life, ‘Why do I regret becoming a mother?’ and ‘Do I have permission to admit my dissatisfaction with my chosen role?’ Before this conversation, I experienced immediate remorse every time the thought reared; the moment my first child was born, when I was cleaning vomit off the brand-new carpet, fighting exhaustion after three consecutive days with minimal sleep, or simply enjoying a moment of solitude. Preceding her revelation, I would have never questioned my adherence to the biological essentialist ultimatum to bear children; living without having children was never an option. The anxiety and trepidation I encountered felt like a betrayal to God herself; a betrayal of the sanctity of motherhood; a betrayal of my most precious gift and most remarkable accomplishment, my children; but most of all, a betrayal to myself.

‘Do I have permission to admit my dissatisfaction with my chosen role?

When I was 17 years old, I became pregnant; I was a senior in high school with a career waiting for me in the Air Force upon graduation. My boyfriend and I were not in any position to have a child, plus by the time I found out I was pregnant, we’d broken up. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but most of all, I was disheartened because I knew that I would convert my possibly bright future into a bleak cycle. A cycle that I’d seen the course play out with my sisters, cousins, aunts, and mother. Therefore, I chose to have an abortion. Although admitting that I decided to terminate a pregnancy is difficult, it remains more socially acceptable than contending with the stigma of regretful motherhood. I served in the Air Force for 21 years, I was a mother and an Airman; my partner was also Active Duty Military. As Airmen, we performed demanding duties that often required us to remain on-call for 24 hours and retain packed inventoried deployment bags in addition to prolonged absences from our family due to Temporary Duty 62

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(TDY) and dangerous deployments. I excelled within the Air Force; at one time, I was responsible for the health, morale, and welfare of 1.5 thousand Airmen in a single squadron, eventually achieving the highest enlisted grade, Chief Master Sergeant (E-9). Often serving as one of a handful of women in male-dominated career fields, I was battling the overlapping and interdependent systems working against me as a marginalized person. But while actively dismantling the patriarchy in my professional life, I continued to serve in traditional female roles at home. As is tradition, I was required to bear most of the home responsibilities. My mission was to act as the primary caregiver, and I was the chef, therapist, maid, and nurse. With all of these requirements, there were times when I felt like a failure, because I could not balance all of the responsibilities. At the time, I didn’t understand that it was inevitable that something or someone would get screwed over because there was not enough time to achieve all of my daily goals; I thought I could exceed in both roles. Within most heterosexual relationships, there are less expectations placed on fathers. My ex-husband’s bond with our children was undeniably strong, but his life barely changed once our children arrived. He was not required make immeasurable adjustments to his life. Yes, I willingly accepted the majority of the obligations, I believe he weaponized his ignorance regarding the “Second-Shift” responsibilities. He feigned an inability to perform basic tasks. My bitterness enhanced my inability to fulfill the basic expectations as a wife, mother, and airman while ignoring my own needs and desires. I was raised in a family that held deeply traditional values. My father has six daughters that he raised in a patriarchal, sexist, essentialist tradition. We were expected to get married and give birth to children; that was our sole purpose. There were no expectations for us to have or attain any career aspirations. Those of us who continued to work after having a family was accused of having misaligned priorities. All of us fulfilled the roles as prescribed by our father, all of us have been divorced at least once, all of us have had to serve as the sole provider within our families at one point in our lives, and all of us have had daughters who have bore witness to our struggles. 63

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My daughter is not the exception amongst her female cousins; our daughters have made different choices because they recognize that their worth goes beyond motherhood and partnership. Free from essentialist expectations, they can now pursue their sexual freedom, career aspirations, extensive travel, wealth building, healing, and self-discovery. Responsibilities other than themselves (and a few pets) are currently outside their options. Although there is tremendous remorse surrounding my life choices, I would never choose to reverse them. My children are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Whenever we hear their voices, see them smile, or watch them accomplish something more significant than we could’ve imagined, we’re filled with awe. Ours goal was to raise decent, empathic human beings, and we were successful. My ex-husband and I are amazing co-parents and great friends. When I chose to move to Paris for school, he retained custody of our son, hey’re both flourishing and I’m the best divorced ‘dad’. Every experience has positioned me to live a life encompassing pride and deep satisfaction with my current state.

Gender Performance Queer Heterosexuality and Desire

Gender Performance Queer Heterosexuality and Desire By Marteena Mendelssohn 65

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Heteronormative culture requires monogamous, heterosexual relationships to be accepted and queer, homosexual relationships to be antagonized. While hetero friendships should be accepted in this culture of heternormativity, it is actually quite the opposite. The norm in society is that all male and female friendships must have an aspect of sexual desire– there is no way a man and a woman can have a sincere bond unless one or both are attracted to another gender. As the world is ever evolving,

and ideas of sexuality and gender expression are changing, queerness in the contemporary world can be described as the rejection of traditional, heteronormative ideas of sexuality and sexual orientation. Across cultures and traditions, it is clear that patriarchal ideology– which includes but is not limited to sexuality, power, privileges, and gendered stereotypes– has restricted many 66

marginalized groups of people. Being queer and expressing one’s self in a ‘queer’ way means every individual will be allowed to freely liberate themselves from heteronormativity. The complexities of queer and heterosexual desire along with romantic connection are constantly at odds with the heteronormative narrative. Desire is always related to sexual attraction and romantic relationships, but it’s not exclusive just to this context. However, does this mean that same-sex friendships exist without the catalyst of desire? Between friendships and relationships, desire and attraction exist at a certain capacity. Therefore, there is always ‘queerness’-- spoken or unspoken – in friendship and relationships, no matter the gender. Though female-male friendships are under suspicion due to the social sexual context, it is the crisis of hegemonic masculinity and masculine entitlement that makes female-male and male-male friendship complicit in the anti-queering of platonic relationships. Whether it is a hetero-friendship or sexual relationship queer heterosexuality seems to subtly exist within ‘straight’ and ‘non-straight’ connections. The desire for a friendship is similar to a relationship. Only when a person is attracted to an individual does this desire

Gender Performance Queer Heterosexuality and Desire

become romantic. Additionally, friendship is always the starting point for a relationship– whenever a straight man becomes friends with a woman, it is always built on the idea of building a relationship or having a sexual relationship in the future. The Hallmark movie channel typically only presents movies with heterosexual couples. In some cases, the women seemingly have no romantic desire for the man that they meet, but after becoming friends, romantic desire builds and at the end of the film the woman and the man finally get together. Just as the desire for a romantic relationship is based on physical attraction, the desire for a friendship is usually based on needing a connection to not feel lonely. When a woman and a man are friends, it is often difficult for others to understand that there is no sexual attraction. Because these two people should be attracted to each other, the idea of a platonic friendship is seemingly not in the picture. If a man and a woman were to have a purely platonic friendship, one could imagine that they are only friends because the other may be homosexual. Therefore, a straight may be hesitant to approach a woman strictly on friendly terms for the fear of stripping his own masculinity and be seen as gay.

The hetereosexual female-male friendship dynamic forces the relationship to be built on a a purely sexual relationship. “The conflicts between these strands are seldom more than dimly perceived in practice, where the givenness of male-female sexual relations is part of the ordinary rightness of the world, its fragility masked in shows of solemn rectitude” (Berlant 552). Female-male friendships can only exist when the heteronormative

“Between friendships and relationships, desire and attraction exist at a certain capacity. Therefore, there is always ‘queerness’-- spoken or unspoken – in friendship and relationships, no matter the gender.” rules of society are ignored. The rules of society when it comes to hetero friendships is the idea of “courting” a woman as to make her feel comfortable around the man to blur the lines between romantic persuasion and friendly connection. While courting in society is now an outdated term, one can use this word to describe the pursuit of friendship with a wider intention. Because, as we have seen with the hallmark movie channel, the woman must be made comfortable with a platonic 67

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connection before anything else need to be superior to other is allowed to proceed. men therefore the idea that they Another necessary rule of should be attracted to another society that must break down is man means they must submit to that straight men have no control the belief they are a “lesser” type over their sexual urges, so when of man because they feel attracany woman comes around— no tion toward them. When a man matter how attractive— they becomes friends with a woman, must have her. However, in order as stated previously, there is a to build toward a romantic or sense of feeling more masculine sexual relationship, the man must because of the unspoken sexual attempt to push down his sexual desire between the two people. urge and approaches the topic of Yet, when two men desire each sex in an inconspicuous way. “By other there is a sense of emasmaking sex seem irrelevant or culation and becoming less of a merely perman for having “By making sex seem sonal, heterthe desire for a irrelevant or merely personal, onormative masculine conheteronormative conventions conventions of nection. Male of intimacy block the building entitlement intimacy block of non-normative or explicit the building of exists because public sexual cultures.” nonnormative in a heteronoror explicit pubmative world lic sexual cultures” (Berlant 553). we place value on masculinity Men will always feel the need to As a type of control. When men chase and get close to the object decide to become friends there is of their desire. As a result, innoa fine line between platonic and cent female-male friendships are romantic; This line is homosexrendered non-existent. If heterouality. When two gay men are sexual female-male friendships friends, it is presumed— just as are built on the idea of attraction female-male friendships are— and urge for intimacy, once could that something sexual is happenassume that straight male-male ing or will happen. Men naturally friendships are similar. have stronger sexual urges than The only difference between women, so when two gay men are two men being able to have a friends, it is only natural for them friendship with zero attraction to act on their impulses. Since is because of masculine entitlestraight men don’t want others ment. Men typically have the to think that their friendship 68

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is sexual, they typically set up barriers to prove their masculine heterosexuality. This is key in uncovering the crisis of masculinity. Because men need to be dominant and as “straight” as possible, they actively avoid interacting with queerness, and when the lines of sexuality begin to blur, they often fall back and try to verbally distinguish their sexuality, saying things like, “Some guys are hot, but im not gay” or simply “no homo.” Now, the friendship between a gay man and a straight men come with many challenges. Because the straight man needs to be seen as heterosexual, the idea of being friends with a gay man is almost impossible to distinguish sexual desire and friendly desire. Because one party may be attracted to the other, the crisis of masculinity is intensified and the straight man in the situation would need to distance himself slightly from the friendship in order for the connection to work. The straight man may have to act or perform a type of masculinity, but often this could mean having homophobic tendencies to ensure the line of the sexual is always drawn. Nevertheless, male-male friendships require a specific etiquette to work in heteronormative society. The problem of desire is not because of sexual urges, but the

need to define and perform a particular sexuality. Men involved themselves with women in order to get something sexual later. Men are friends with other men in order to gain access to something like career or opportunity and it always comes with the need to be the “alpha” or the superior in the friendship. In a friendship with a straight man and gay man, there is a need for distance and over-performed masculinity in order to ensure that their sexuality is not confused. Sexuality is a performance. Gender is a performance. In fact, the friendship between those engaging with each other and claiming there is no desire in their connection is a performance. “Gender, then, is the far more elaborate, more fully and rigidly dichotomized social production and reproduction of male and female identities and behaviors– of male and female persons– in a cultural system for which ‘male/female’ functions as a primary and perhaps model beinarism affecting the structure and meaning of 69

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many, many, other binarisms…” (Sedgwick 14). Heteronormativity hurts hetero relationships. Just because desire exists in all relationships, does not mean that sexual desire is inherent. Sexual desire exists, but at the same time, the natural human desire for connection exists. Fearing queerness is the fear of desire with any person of the same gender. Whether the relationship and performativity in a particular connection is fully realized, queerness exists in nearly all platonic friendships. The fear of crossing a homosexual boundary is inherently anti-queer just as men evading friendships from other men is extremely queer. Because straight men are defined by their sexual urges, one could assume that queer heterosexuality constantly plays into all connections of a heterosexual man in some capacity. Gender performance and hyper-masculinity forces attraction to remain sexual which is aggressive in nature.

Works Cited Berlant, Lauren, and Michael Warner. “Sex in Public.” Critical Inquiry, vol. 24, no. 2, The University of Chicago Press, 1998, pp. 547–66, http:// www.jstor.org/stable/1344178. Sedgwick, Eve. Epistemology of the Closet. University of California Press. 1990, pp. 1-63.

Gender Difference in Personality Disorders; Science or Politics? by Aurora-Rain Rose

RoacheS Issue no 6

“Bitches be crazy!” Trivializing misogynistic ideologies through the use of satire reflects the pervasiveness of the Western denigration of women. This derogatory phrase is not the first, nor the last instance of misogyny infiltrating our vernacular. I n an attempt to justify the antagonization, dismissal, and silencing of women, ’bitch’ negatively characterizes and portrays women Click here to enter text. to be inherently irrational and not worthy of being taken seriously Click here to enter text. ‘bitches be crazy’ - is so Click here to enter text. pervasive that , despite there being little evidence to support a biological predisposition based on birth-assigned sex, there is still a significant pattern of gender difference in the diagnosis statistics of personality disorders in the DSM-5. The DSM as a diagnostic tool is rigid in the sense that it is not concerned with the degree of presenting problems but instead is solely interested in if you meet the criteria, or not – there is no “somewhat” when it comes to personality disorders (Barlow, D.H., Durand, V.M. and Hoffman, S.G. 2022) – Therefore, to access the root of why there is this higher female-to-male ratio in diagnosed personality disorders, we must first study how the disorders 72

manifest/present themselves in accordance with the DSM’s criteria to see why women are consistently meeting more criteria for disorders such as histrionic personality disorder [HPD], dependent personality disorder [DPD], or borderline personality disorder [BPD], whereas men, when they are diagnosed, will typically be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder [ASPD]. These personality disorders have been selected because they most appropriately illustrate differences in the diagnosis gender ratio; a difference so profound that the ratio difference flagged the diagnosis of personality disorders within psychology as a concept that needs to be reevaluated on account of this (hidden) gender bias. The entire attitude surrounding the significantly disproportionate diagnosis statistics, then, is part of what needs to be analyzed in order to thoroughly discuss to what extent misogynistic conventions of femininity and masculinity are being perpetuated by the DSM (and psychology) as a way of silencing and dismissing women – whether it be unbeknownst to the individual psychiatrist/psychological researcher themselves or not. Unfortunately, the dismissal of women on account of being a woman is a longstanding, pervasive tradition upon which West-

GENDER DIFFERENCE IN PERSONALITY DISORDERS

ern culture is essentially built. The roots of such a tradition can be dated to the 7th century BC, to one of the first written instances of a woman’s voice being silenced by a man being the ‘classic’, Homer’s Odyssey. Mary Beard notes the early roots of the misogynistic tradition of silencing women in Women & Power: A Manifesto, arguing that by labeling labelling Homer’s Odessey a classic, society is passively accepting the silencing of women by overlooking the misogynistic implications of the woman being told to “shut up”, and that a woman’s voice ought to be confined to the domestic sphere associated with womanhood. Beard argues the danger of such passivity, alluding that the silencing of women and, essentially, the banishment of women to the private sector, became a tradition because it was widely encouraged in classical society. Bassist, in contrast to Beard’s classical approach, introduces her readers to the contemporary aspect of this tradition by providing personal anecdotes that highlight the same essence of misogynistic influence instilling itself and permeating throughout all facets of cultural development. Being a female born in the 1980s, she states “Anyone who grew up watching TV shows on a television in the 1970s, ‘80s, and ‘90s grasped at

least three things: Men have a voice. Women have a body. Men are “the Freshmaker.”” (Bassist, E. 2022). She makes this claim to emphasize the dominance of the male voice in the Media – how it was exclusively a male voice talking on tv, the radio, etc., and how men were and are the “soundtrack to existence,” commenting on how she unknowingly internalized these misogynistic ideals, using them to inform her own opinions about herself and other women. It is important for a culture to constantly be self-reflecting on what ideologies are passively institutionalizing viewers through the use of the media, literature, and even humour – as evidenced with how the derogatory phrase ‘bitches be crazy’ has become a colloquialism to address every day, normal and sane situations, which thereby allows the combination of two extremely misogynistic attitudes towards women to often be “brushed off ” as a joke when a man is actively called-out on it. The tradition of gendered thinking and behaviour is much older than the relatively young discipline of psychology, then, and thus it makes sense that (unchecked) misogynistic biases have infiltrated psychology as a whole1 and is especially reflected by the DSM’s gender difference in diagnosis ratio statistics, which 73

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consistently diagnose women with more personality disorders than men, and the personality disorders women are diagnosed with serve to perpetuate the idea of the hysterical, irrational, and erratic woman – in other words – the crazy bitch. Both Beard and Bassist make note of the long-standing and pervasive misogynistic tradition of silencing women in Western western society and allude to the influence of the media and literature in deciding the subjective cultural values, characteristics, and undesirable traits of a population. If we look at the DSM in this light, and its capacity to diagnose someone’s demeanour is essentially “setting the stage” for women to be pathologized as a means of justifying the misogynistic traditions that are so deeply in the role of gender-role socialization. Referring to the tradition of silencing women, Beard noted how in classical Western societies, women were never to be heard in the public sphere – with two exceptions; A woman’s voice could be heard to prelude her death as a martyr or to testify her position as a victim6. If she spoke, successfully, in the public sphere – then the societal perception of her shifted, she no longer was a woman, instead she is an androgyne because only 74

men were capable of successful public speech. Beards’ acknowledgment of these two exceptions in classical society is the central component of how men decided when, and where a woman could speak, and if she violated those strict confines, she could no longer be seen as a woman at all. If the woman does not adhere to the tiny space afforded to her, she is ostracized, demonized, and labeled ‘a bitch’. Interestingly, Joreen, the author of The BITCH Manifesto, takes the negative connotations of the word ‘bitch’ and reframes it as a source of empowerment. She does this because she notes that in a misogynistic patriarchal society, a bitch is androgynous. A bitch is self-determined and refuses to submit to the confines inflicted upon her – and for her unwillingness to passively follow the misogynistic assumptions of conventional femi ninity, that is, her unwillingness to be silenced, she labeled a bitch. A bitch in the misogynistic sense , is “aggressive, assertive... You may not like her, but you cannot ignore her” – In other words , what is intimidating about the bitch is that she is androgynous, and even more interestingly, what is threatening about the bitch, is that these traits are all traits associated with antisocial personality disorder, the personality disorder

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with the highest male-to-female ratio. The DSM characterizes the disorders directly affects how the pathological woman is portrayed which perpetuates such a perception in the first place, and in this sense, the over-pathologization of women directly mimics the perpetual nature of the misogynistic tradition; The hidden misogynistic gender biases within the DSM, which is reflected in the diagnostic criteria of personality disorders that result in the over-diagnosis of women in general is indicated by distinct gender difference in the diagnosis statistics. The way the DSM serves to silence and dismiss women by overdiagnosis contributes to the gender associations that seeking help is a feminine trait, which reduces the chances of men seeking help and perpetuates the idea that ‘bitches be crazy’, as a way of dismissing, silencing, and antagonizing women.

Works Cited Bassist, E., (2022). Why do we hate women’s voices?. [online] Mother Jones. Available at: <https://www.motherjones. com/media/2022/09/womens-voices-hysterical-kamala-harris-little-mermaid/> Beard, M. (2017). Women & power : A manifesto. Profile Books. Joreen. The BITCH manfesto. https://www. jofreeman.com/joreen/bitch.htm McCarthy, P. “Conceptualizing Psychopathology. Theories and Paradigms in Psychopathology: The biopsychosocial approach.” Class Lecture, Abnormal & Clinical Psychology. The American University of Paris. 23 September 2022).

There is a fine line between being healed and healing. That line is called “forgiveness.” It does not mean forgiving those who wronged you Who indebted you from the life you could have lived From killing your white dove before reaching the promised land, From deciding your fate before you even knew you had a choice. Those who left you. Being healed means forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself for trusting the untrustable, Forgiving yourself from not knowing what you know now, Forgiving yourself for making the wrong decision at the right, Forgiving yourself for causing so much grief. Healing doesn’t come externally, but internally. You can’t expect an apology from everyone who has wronged you. Most of the time, they thought they were doing the right thing. There is no closure in this world, there is only forgiveness. There is no happy ending, there is only healing and growth. Choosing to forgive and move forward is an inexplicable act that no one, no where can take away.

Marteena Mendelssohn 76

The ground cries tears we can’t see And we shed skin that is not our own For our bodies can’t help but keep the score Of bruises from battles we could not ignore We will wait for the tides to rise But nevertheless, sink We will wait till the moon dies But remain inside our own cries Let’s grieve together The life we forgot to live I come from a place called Nowhere. It’s a planet in the galaxy of Particular. Our closest star is Forgiveness, but we won’t make it that far. Our moon is called Blue, though we see it quite often. Our only continent is named Serendipity. All the people speak a language called Regret. We are not happy here, Nor are we sad. We exist in a constant state of being That can only be described as Breathless Or sometimes Soundless And maybe even Fearless. On the days we care too much, Which is all the days We can’t help but think of the place we left. Or the places we could have gone. But we are all here in Serendipity located on Nowhere in Particular.

Marteena Mendelssohn 78

Like A Wolf, Spitting Blood by Breanna Ludwick 80

yesterday, a very talented, terribly beautiful woman told me if i cut the “shocking” words from my work, i’d be more successful. she said “i used to be excessive and it never worked for me.” my mother was a poet who never wrote so she drank instead. she used to linger outside my bedroom door like a wolf spitting blood. jesus already killed himself because he loved you. i won’t be crucified no! i will honor you by being beautiful, and narcissistic, and stubborn, and wrong, and lighting fires that roar inside of you! i’ve laid naked over beds of hot coals, i’ve introduced your boyfriend to god, my mouth waters to the taste of my own blood, it’s either war-sex-poetry, or it’s not! so you think you can write? do you feed her, breathe her? do you promise to never leave her? i’ve gone into the void, knowing i won’t come out of it unscathed. i expect battle wounds, i expect to lose things, and i expect to be compensated for my work. i will fall down that rabbit hole like rain, i will drink from the kings cup, and i will do anything, anything, except shut the fuck up. 81

POWER by Breanna Ludwick 82

when i was younger, i’d feel my own power and tremble - quiver like a wet lip, and misfire trying to yield it, i’d give it all to men. my father’s wife could feel it in me, the warmth radiating off my skin. she imagined all the hell i’d raise, if i knew what fire raged within. anytime i’d touch that house, she’d make me strip and shower. i’d sit and let the water run, trying not to be devoured. for i was the dark i so long feared i was god’s dirty mouth. i had built these walls around me, my desires were crumbling them down. now the men i date feel it too, they’re safer in their hole. they’d rather watch me with wistful eyes, than sing the songs that spill out from their souls! the high-road is the loneliest, my colleagues feel it double. they warn me if i carry on unchecked, i’ll find myself in trouble. oh honey, i hope that trouble finds itself inside of me!

i have already gone to war with the insatiable woman. she wins, every time. i will not shrink to fit inside this room. i will never lay my wool coat down over the mud, so you can escape this poetic journey, without getting yourself dirty! i have never been the woman who was happy being happy. i have never been the woman who writes nature poems, or bites her pretty little tongue. i have always been the woman who needs colossal arms to hold her! i have always been the woman howling, howling, and holding up a mirror.

Artist Spotlight: Armando Cabba (He/Him)

I don’t see Karen at all defined by her survival. It is a part of her story, but regardless of sitting in front of her painting for countless months I don’t have that world pop up in my head when she comes to mind. I think of her as how she is which is a radiant and ethereal person that I’m incredibly honoured to call a friend. Society is strange when it comes to reducing a disease or illness to a colour or a ribbon we just wear a certain time during the year. It feels counter productive how we have reduced stories and an element of people’s lives down to a a piece of fabric. Or how we take these stories of survivors and use them for our own inspiration when we should be listening and understand this is a person and life keeps going for them. As a kid in school we used to have these marathons in October to raise money for the pink foundation. We never actually met or saw anyone who had breast cancer. Never saw a photo and had been conditioned to believe this is what we need to do because this is how you help. It’s a very on sided view and “feel good” narrative for those participating in the charity events. Looking at how we speak about people we lose to cancer, we always mention how they died or the diagnosis rather than how they lived. Every time someone new comes in and sees her portrait, I always light up thinking about Karen. I love hanging out with her, her stories, hearing about her kids and their shenanigans, her travels, her ideas, etc. Is she strong? Absolutely, but she is also soft, caring, kind, sweet, hilarious, and everything that makes you love someone. Working on her portrait moved from just wanting to paint her story seen on her body, but just to paint her for her. It never felt strange or different compared to my other paintings. What mattered to me was there was love, and it resonated.

Survive