Big Mad

Compiled by DANIEL HILL

Welcome back to the Big Mad, the RFT’s weekly roundup of righteous rage! Because we know your time is short and your anger is hot:

SCHMITT’S VANITY SUIT: It’s hard to know who to root for in Attorney General Eric Schmitt’s lawsuit against St. Louis and St. Louis County over mask mandates. Should you side with health departments ushering people away from shore as a tidal wave approaches, or should you cheer the use of tax dollars spent to boost Schmitt’s senate campaign? Hmm. Maybe we should look at it from another angle: Is it better to support city and county officials tasked with cleaning up the failures of state and national Republicans who’ve undone the sacrifices made by responsible people for more than a year, or an AG who has made losing splashy lawsuits his primary job? Honestly, does it matter? Taxpayers are paying the attorneys on both sides. But no one wants to be a fence-sitter, so maybe err on the side of those making hard decisions and not Schmitt’s auditions for Fox News air time.

SPACE DOUCHEBAGS: Listen, we here at the RFT are big fans of space. Aliens, no problem. Moon doing its thing and wobbling a little, cool. But where we draw the line is the billionaires of the world ruining the environment in the world’s dumbest pissing contest. Why race to the edge of space? Because you have too much money? Don’t worry, Jeff Bezos, we’ll all breathe the polluted air you leave behind as you fuck off to the stars. And Bezos has an even better idea — why not just put all of the industries that continuously pollute the planet in space? Because that’s easier than, say, changing practices that dump over 60 million tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. As Amazon cashes in on the pandemic and its CEO takes a vanity rocket ride, we can be comforted by the fact that the billionaires will be just fine when climate change comes knocking. Millions of Americans are facing eviction, and now we just sit around and wait for Elon Musk to take his turn and colonize Mars while he’s at it. NO GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS, ER, UNLESS YOU’RE THE GOVERNOR: Our beloved governor has our best interests at heart. Convinced Missourians are lazy, he ended federal employment benefits to motivate us. Remember that time he pointed out how many businesses had “Help Wanted” signs rather than answering a question about low wages? That was to keep Missourians hungry and on the job hunt. Instead of working one shitty minimum wage job, why not work three? When the federal government offers assistance to get citizens of the Show-Me State vaccinated, Parson conjures a made-up image of federal agents forcing vaccines door to door. When the feds tell us we have to abide by federal gun laws, Parson tells them to go to hell, because that eighth grade history class segment on the hierarchy of government means nothing here. In the name of the American Dream, Parson won’t let those pesky government officials give us Missourians what we haven’t worked for, we must earn it. And by us Missourians, well, he’s excluding himself from that. Parson received a $6,288 PPP loan from the government in March, as reported by the Kansas City Star, for his beef cattle ranch. Now that’s a motivating example.

ILLINOIS ENVY: We are so jealous of Illinois. We’re living in the Stone Age here in Missouri while they’re just across the river, driving their flying cars. Here in Missouri, everything seems so difficult and prehistoric. Many Missourians refuse the COVID-19 vaccination and even resist wearing masks to protect their families and neighbors from catching a deadly virus. Meanwhile, in Illinois, they have recreational weed and leaders who actually use their brains to make decisions. Can you imagine? Just last week Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker signed legislation giving Illinoisans access to over-the-counter birth control. Starting January 1, 2022, pharmacists may provide twelve months of birth control (including birth control pills, rings and patches) to customers without a doctor’s prescription. Pharmacists will access eligibility through screening forms and will be trained how to recommend the best family planning for their clients. Pritzker didn’t stop there. On the same day that he signed that bill, he also signed a bill that increases access to telehealth services across Illinois. That means people who need to speak with their doctor won’t have to risk exposing themselves to COVID at an office or hospital for a consultation. Pritzker is forward-thinking and is taking action to provide the people of his state with easier access to birth control and protection from a highly contagious virus. Geez. Must be nice. n