Global Domination magazine 08

Issue 8 August 2011 www.bcttt.com

Global

www.bcttt.com

Dom nation Magazine

SNOW JOKE Scott McMorris brings his snowboard skills to transition

WIMBLEBALLS-UP Baz’s report from IMUK 70.3

CLUSTER DE FRANCE In-depth reporting from the Les Stables debacle

RELAYS WRECK-UP

BCTTT-Teams trash talk ahead of the Club Champs at Holme Pierrepoint

Contents ISSUE 8 AUSGUST 2011

Features 11 CLUSTER DE FRANCE For the second year Conehead offered to shout “F@#k” at some ordinary BCTTT types. He didn’t get away lightly, as he was trashed by a dolphin in the pool and loon on the bike.

Read on... with a day-to-day report from the 2011 clusternauts.

54 WIMBLEBALLS-UP EBALLS-UP New BCTTT-lad Baz took on the mountain ranges of IM 70.3.. Here is his race report.

50 Dr JIBBING-STYLE Scott McMorris is an internationally successful snowboarder who happens to know a bald idiot. He’s desperate to join the BCTTT, though, so take pity on him....

Regulars 4 REVOLUTIONARY COUNCIL Y know the faces of the poor unfortunates, You lined up before you like a who’s-who of Tottenham riot bad-boys.

50 MEET THE MEMBER Bopomofo reveals the secret of his swimming success – he was Duncan Goodhew.’s stunt double.

8 MEET THE MEMBER Tarka TMO gives us the skinny on her race plans, and wonders what a mating otter actually sounds like!

36 ASK THE DHOL Worried about your performance at the relays? Cup of tea and a jaffa cake with Hilda will sort you out...

10 CARBONDICULOUS Carbon slippers this time, with some posh soccerball boots for playing with down the park, and some designer igner party slip-ons for af after.

49 STAT ATTACK Cover cluster: Bicycle maintenance course: £90.

New Trek Madone: £1,600.

Not paying attention to that creaking noise... DNF. Thanks Captain Flava, for making the little mistakes so we don’t have to. We only wish you could bring your work to the relays.

Global

2 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Which team will show their mighty stuff a the relays? Cider drinkers, that’s who - fools.

Dom nation Magazine

Subscribe to the online BCTTT club magazine email ed@bcttt.com

��������������� ���� �������������

Global

Dom nation

�������������

Global

Magazine

���������

���������� ������������ ��������������� ���������������� ��

��������� �����������

�����

�������������

���

��������� ��� �����������

�����

����������� ��� �������������� ��� �����

RELAYS W RECK-UP ���������

Cover story

������ ������������ ���������������������� ���� ����������� ����

37 CLUB CHAMPS MADNESS Eleven teams, 44 racers, and two days of Bank Holiday lunacy ahead, as the BCTTT take on the club relay champs! It’s going to be a great racing and social occasion, and an opportunity for our disparate band to meet up properly and put faces to names.

Not forgetting the serious business of team champery, and the single-minded focus we’ll all be putting into racing... or something...

Club champs are coming, and the most sought after prizes in triathlon will be on offer to the teams and indivuals that represent the BCTTT in the most noble fashion. TThe he Cork Corkyy Award, I’m not Dead I’m Having a Rest Rest, and the coveted Most Disturbing in Lycra award are all up for grabs.

We should all be looking forward to the relays, because the club are going to be there in numbers and hopefully be the cause of some proper carry on. I’m looking forward to meeting a lot of you I’ve not done before (and apologising for Barton again to those I have). I’m looking forward to racing as well, as this will be my first of 2011.

Good luck to everyone racing and supporting at Holme Pierrepont, and here’s to a splendid BCTTTlash up!

Thanks: To all contributers to this issue: Coners, Miskin, Jack, Bop, Tarka, Si, DrJ, ProfJ, Jods, Ade, Jen, Hilda and Sar for proofing.

Special thanks to Vetty for loving her balance bike – loving those gliding skills!

ED ris

lower-case.media 2011

August 2011

Global

Dom nation Magazine

3

The BCTTT Revolutionary Council Supreme Grand Master – bigbeard@bcttt.com

Propaganda – danrice@bcttt.com

Brother JoddyBear, the legend of beard himself, is our new SGM, as decreed by the noble council of Mrs C. Is currently working out how to get the ‘running’ part of triathlon replaced with ‘drinking’.

Brothers Rice and Chapman are responsible for interweb domination, using this strange wonder of the modern world ld – the ‘website’.

The Founder – conehead@bcttt.com Brother Conehead – founder of the BCTTT – has Red Bull flowing through his veins, lives on a secret volcano island and writes bestselling books on triathlon. He can be seen at various races around the world grinning like a tool on the LightCycle.

Scotland – mac@bcttt.com Brother McLean is spreading the BCTTT word north of the border. order. If it’s Scottish he’s your man.

WAT Executive Officer Mrs Conehead oversees all matters WAT related and membership (inc. fees). Largely responsible for reining in Conehead from outrageous schemes and ideas she should only be contacted in extreme emergencies; otherwise don’t. If she needs to contact you, you can usually feel the hairs standing up on your neck beforehand.

Wales – cate@bcttt.com Sister Moonshine is reponsible for all things Cymru related. If you have any issues, she will wave her magic wand and resolve them.

Political Officer – ian@bcttt.com Brother Castle is responsible for matters concerning common sense, reality checks and the voice of reason. He is also half cyborg with a newly re-constructed knee, although he doesn’t spend his time trapped in a movie franchise being constantly sent back in time to kill someone called ‘John Connor.’

Europe – jen@bcttt.com Sister Jeppsson co-ordinates the global domination plans for Europe from a fjord in Sweden. Or is that Norway? Either way the European states are falling like dominoes under the guidance of the Swedish task-mistress.

Lanzarote – messer@bcttt.com Brother Starcher is fronting up things in the Canary Islands – this provides us with an important strategic foothold off the coast of Africa. Brother Starcher can be found co-ordinating global domination from a volcano of his own.

Dubai – fatstu@bcttt.com Stu can be found trying not to melt while basking in the heat of “tax free-ness”. It’s unknown how much global domination can be done – but the tendrils of the BCTTT reach far and wide.

North West Brother Butler has wrestled control of the North West from the Ex-SGM. Plans for beasting rides in the frozen wastelands of Cheshire are soon to follow.

Yorkshire & Humberside – gavrigg@bcttt.com The white rose county is soon to come under the influence of the BCTTT via Gavin. Whippets, pigeons and Tetley bitter are all manner of things Gav concerns himself with.

West Midlands – gaz@bcttt.com When not dodging cars stolen by 8 year olds in the Telf Telford area, Brother Roberts cultivates and manages the BCTTT domination of the West Midlands. Now free from injury he will be seen conquering all number of triathlons in 2010!

South West – didds@bcttt.com Brother Didds is responsible for triathlon global domination amongst all things cider and farming.

Based in an idylic country house set among rolling fields, and scaring young and old alike as holder of It’s not about the Bike Award, ward, 2010. ward

London – jellybaby@bcttt.com Brother Jellybaby ensures the nation’s capital is under the BCTTT umbrella of influence. He’s also taken on the mantle of Vice-SGM, for those times when Scotty is out shopping for pink children’s bikes. Challenging the establishment’s Tri-scene we all know everyone will eventually succumb to the BCTTT influence. It’s simply a mattter of time.

Global

4 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Bridgtown Est. 1981

Cycles

The UK’s Premier Speed Concept Store

AWARDS

2011 WINNER BIKE OF THE YEAR

Bike and fit consultants to: Tom Lowe, Joel Jameson, Catherine Pickthall & Toby Jameson

Fit Services Pro racer or beginner, no-one should be uncomfortable on a bike.

A detailed fit session will make you more comfortable, powerful & efficient whether going short or long.

Britain’s Fastest Ironman Tom Lowe in for a bike fit and to collect his new 9series Speed Concept and Reynolds wheels.

Traditional methods fit the rider to a preconceived ideal of what the bike should look like. This is wrong. We work to make the bike fit the rider, not the rider fit the bike.

Our fit service takes into account variables of anatomy, flexibility, range of motion and riding style.

What is involved?

Detailed Customer Interview Physical assessment of range of motion Cleat alignment Bike adjustment Review of fit & Advice How long does it take? Circa 3 hours.

www.btownbikes.com Tel: 01922 411 180 • Lakeside Plaza, Walkmill Lane, Bridgtown, Cannock, Staffordshire WS11 0XE

New BCTTT-babber Eoghan MiniChappers is destined to become a champion – here he is swaddled in his TdF baby kit and settling down to watch Tommy Voeckler give it large on the mountains.

Now that the race is over he’s holding out for the World Champs, and a rainbow jersey to complete his set...

Sometimes, it is best not to wonder why.

Global

6 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

This is the latest, and New Orleans 70.3 winning, Julie Dibens Lazer Tardiz helmet by nuun.

The front is a replica paint job of LSU football helmet (where Julie was an All State swimmer) - with the nuun colours representing the tube colouring of her favourite avour...

Early season races bring some of the club members together from across the country.

Here is Zacnici, Mick, Sonofsammo and Jon.E as they wait to show the good people at the Woodhall sprint quite how a triathlon should be clustered.

Ironman, eh? Nothing to it, just a little paddle, a spin and a gentle plod, right?

Want a real challenge? Stu certainly seemed to as he took on, and ďŹ nished, the Enduroman Double-Ironman.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 7 Magazine

Meet the Member Running Tarka Introducing Sarah Bruce-Green, aka TarkaTMO

Sadly, we have no pics of Sar swimming, so proving her similarity to an otter will have to wait until the Relay Champs. Instead, here she is competing at the Cowman.

Global

8 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Sar at Cowman and Relay Champs 2010.

Let’s start with your name and any akas.

Sarah Bruce-Green, Sar, Runningmad and TarkaTMO. How old are you (please)?!

33 at the beginning of August. But I’m in denial about that.

Do you have any family?

Just the HAT who’s 39. No kids as yet. I’m too busy doing triathlon!

Where are you?

Edgware, Middlesex.

How did you get into tri?

My friend Jen asked if I wanted to do a novice tri with her. I said yes and loved it.

I did some more races last year and got totally hooked.

Did you swim, bike or run previously?

I’ve run since I was 14, but more because I love it rather than being really good at it.

When and where was your first tri?

The Women’s Only Novice event at Dorney in 2009.

What does the family think of your triathlon exploits?

The HAT thinks I’m totally crazy and doesn’t get it, but likes the results of all the training!

What has been your greatest triathlon moment to date?

It’s got to be finishing the Cowman with a huge smile on my face.

What’s the daftest thing you’ve done in a race so far?

I nearly did a Jellybaby and almost left T2 at Cowman with my bike shorts still on. That and not being able to find where to re-rack my bike in my first race.

What is your motivation?

I’m not really sure. I guess I like to see how far I can push myself and I love the social side of things too. Training and racing also keeps me sane (well just about).

What bike(s) do you have?

My lovely Trek Madone 4.7 and my old Trek hybrid.

And your dream bike?

I’m a complete bike numpty so I don’t have a clue.

How often do you train, and do you follow a proper training plan?

I’ve currently been training 5 or 6 days a week, although I don’t always manage all my sessions. Hussler coaches me.

What HRM/GPS gadgets have you got?

I’ve got a Garmin 305 and a Pool Mate. My bike computer died so I need to get another one. Damn it.

Any other kit you love?

I love the club kit, but girls, be warned. The club trisuits are see-through when wet, which I didn’t discover until France! I’m sure you boys were enjoying that one!

Help a faller or run on by?

Definitely stop and help without a doubt.

Beer or no beer?

Archers is my usual poison, but I don’t have that many big nights out these days. Sad but true.

Socks or no socks?

Socks all the way. I’ve tried no socks but my orthotics blister my feet and it hurts like hell.

Longer or faster?

Definitely longer. I’m better at going slowly for a long time. Although I like going faster occasionally to mix things up.

Blonde or brunette?

Either. Apparently redheads are crazy!

Train alone or with others?

I love training with others when I can, but most of my training is done on my own.

Anything else you’d like to tell us about?

Apparently when I breathe whilst swimming it sounds like the mating call of an otter (hence my new name Tarka).

How Conehead knows what a mating otter sounds like I have no idea. I just wish I could swim like one.



August 2011

Global

Dom nation Magazine

9

carbondiculous From $425

Each issue we try and bring you information on the thing we covet most and the products that are made out of it – carbon. Being the BCTTT though, it’s carbondiculous!

GUCCI GG PLUS MOCCASIN

For the discerning triathlete who likes a bit of branded loafing (sorry active recovery), Gucci (sorry, have just the thing – carbonheeled moccasins.

Football is just a game for soft jessies who wouldn’t know a hard day’s graft if it bit them. All that swanning about, falling over and checking their hair is hardly becoming of a professional athlete. Anyway, if they were any good at running they’d be a triathlete.

Well, the mighty world of triathlon has spread its carbon tentacles into association football, with Nike’s Mercurial Vapor SL carbon football boot. Limited to 2,058 units, and now only available second-hand, these ridiculous slippers weigh 190gm.

The SL tag doesn’t mean they come with a yellow float cleat on the underside, much to our disappointment.

Global

10 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

NIKE MERCURIAL VAPOR SL From $1,000

The faux snakeskin thing is probably a bit sharp for the Wooton-under-Edge supersprint, but at London or Blenheim these are surely mandatory for transition. The carbon insert appears to do the square-root of bugger all, but that needn’t prevent it from being a talking point – even if that point is “I’m a middle-aged man having a midlife crisis and I’I’d like to discuss my Cervelo P3 with you at tedious length.”

VIVE LA FRANCE! For a second year, Conehead took members of the BCTTT (and some who weren’t) to the Les Stables training camp in the French Dordogne.

An intensive week of hill reps, river swims and “tuck and roll” followed, along with the necessary array of crushing blows to Darren’s swimming confidence. Here is their story.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation Magazine

THURSDAY How to crash and not burn…

So in true fascist fashion, Jody, as our intrepid leader, has ordered us to fill up your joyful free magazine with tales of woe, depression (or is that compression), pain and the monster potential for clusterfucks or as we like to call it “the Les Stables training camp 2011”.

As is now becoming customary, nae a tradition (having been done last year), me and Jody rocked up at The Sovereign near Portsmouth docks next to the Travelodge where we partook of some food and a beer!

Next the family Jibbenstein wagon duly arrived and so another beer. We checked the whereabouts of Sarah and the unknown person that was Jen; apparently they were running a tad late and were now tearing down from London laden with kit. So we proceeded to the docks and could spot them a mile off – a small car with 2 ladies bikes on the back.

We rocked up and with lots of umming and ahhing and sucking of teeth saw a potential cluster unfolding – the bikes were, shall we say, getting to know each other with hints of snapped spokes and rear derailleurs, but we resisted all

Global

12 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

temptation to fiddle right then and decided to do it in France. Following next was a small game of innuendo bingo involving bananas...

Finally onto the boat and to the Dirty Duck we went for a pint and nibbles, and then another pint and nibbles!

The girls being girls had organised a cabin for themselves and the Jibbensteins being the Jibbersteins had booked sleeper seats – the fools!

Me and Jody being cheapskates had reserved the long couches in the bar and so just waited for the bar to close – comfy and free!

Leaving the ferry the next day we set off in not so much of a convoy but more of a TT start (catch your minute man). The girls being girls had accidentally deleted the route to Les Stables from their satnav but had found a postcode to Valeuil (a mistake that lead to a cluster later on…). Just before the toll road me and Jody (being the nice gentlemen we are) pulled over to wait for the girls and sort their bikes out (or MTB may never have forgiven us!).

Front wheels removed and bikes re-adjusted so that they would make it one piece and we were off as a small convoy of two, with Jen the formula Corsa driver pushing a hard pace, so we backed off and saved our petrol! We met up with the Jibbensteins at the same pilgrimage place we stopped at last year and had some food, jokes and talkings of beastings past and yet to come.

We continued on with another food stop (again part of the same pilgrimage trail as last year – in fact, we copied the route exactly, except this time the French roads had caught up with my satnav and built the road). We lost the Jibbensteins as they stopped to get petrol and Andy had left us all at the port wanting to do a non-toll road route.

Whilst waiting for the Jibbensteins we slowed down to Driving Miss Daisy speed with the girls on our tail; I got annoyed with the truck ahead of me and floored it on a hill… never saw the girls after that!

Si brought some dolly mixtures cake and Champagne (from the UK of course), as well as James’s pressies.

The cake even had sparklers stuck in it – fantastic!

Thursday: 06.30

We arrived at Les Stables after Andy had already unpacked, done some pottery and weighed out his rations for the week.

Ten minutes later, the girls rang.

“We’re lost. We’re parked next to a church on a hill.” The Dordogne isn’t renowned for hills or little villages with churches at all… I passed them onto Mark who directed them in!

nicely got my stuff out of the car – Rookie error on my part #1… I did what Ben had done last year – when replacing my chain I didn’t go under all the chain guards and had ridden a HIM with it that way (the chain is ok, and it didn’t go all the way through the chain guard…).

Once we’d got the stuff into Les Brittaniques, it was time for the 1st shopping trip to Brantome where at the local Carrefour (according to Apartment muster: Jody it’s a crossroads) me and Jody Le Maillot Jaune: Sir Conehead of Sufferlandria, Jibbenstein senior and took over menu planning for the week and even discussed Veet, which junior and Andy the uber runner. tans your legs too (are you reading this Ben?) – we were just trying to Les Brittaniques: Returning heroes make the girls feel welcome! The Jody and Simon, and on their evening was an introduction of what maiden trip Sarah and Jen. to expect and our personal history of Whilst I was stood at the end of the sport. The highlight of the evening drive looking for the girls Jody very was James’s birthday! His dad had

In Les Brittaniques and the residents are searching bleary-eyed for coffee – no breakfast though as it was the inaugural breakfast run to get pain au raisin, pain au chocolate and er pain… We got back and scoffed the said breakfast, then it was time to sort bikes for the first ride of the week.

We started off in the same group with a few time IM finisher Richard, Lawrence’s brother Simon (they look nothing alike, but Simon used to be a good triathlete and could beat Alistair Brownlee when they were younger). The pace was high with CH and Richard on the front doing 19mph on rolling terrain – this is easy I thought, until I got on the front… After a wee while riding, the girls (Sybs, Sarah and Jen) split off for a shorter ride (we’d meet them later in Brantome); the rest of us kept going with a beyotch of a hill to separate the good cyclists (CH, Rich and Jody) from the rest of us.

Opposite: The picturesque village of Valeuil.

Above: The Les Stables buildings.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 13 Magazine

THURSDAY Jon (who rode the furthest he’d ever ridden that day) split off with Mark and Simon (I’ll refer to me as Gingertri from here on). So onto a nice ride back to Brantome with “the boys”. The pace was high and I thought as I’d ridden a fair bit and could climb hills I’d sit on the front with Jody for the main part.

We descended into chaos near Brantome as CH could smell the coffee so off he sprinted whilst we cried into our nuun. Out of interest the total ride that day was 49miles done at an average 16mph.

“Si!!!!!!!”

After a days of training passed – I’m the only person who swims slower with fins – FACT! it was onto the long bike ride: a metric century.

Those stupid enough to sign up for this (luckily no Lawrence so I was happy!): Gingertri, Jody, CH, the Prof (Jibbenstein jnr), Andy, Richard and his wife, and another ex-pat. The ride went well but took a little longer than we’d hoped, although we all got back in one piece.

On the day of the river swim down to Bourdeilles (1,600m of weeds with some very, very sharp shallow rocks), in the morning we split into

Global

14 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

groups with myself, CH, Jody, Andy and Simon in one group and Jen, Sarah and Dr Jibbenstein junior in the other. I started out to do some hills reps with Simon going for it on one of the hills, after which he was knackered (thank God he hadn’t been training).

A few more climbs – my small stature helps as I can climb quite well (especially as my bike has a Qring) – and CH said “It’s OK if you go off ahead; just don’t crash.” So off I went up the hill, then into a steep descent. I saw a junction ahead and wasn’t sure if we were going up or down so I stopped on the side of the road – but on the British side…

When I realised my error I started to move across, only to see CH, resplendent in his yellow BCTTT top, shout “Si!!!!!” at the top of his voice before bouncing off me into his para “tuck and roll” training. He went down with Simon hot on his heels, moved his legs in just in time and helped move Simon over.

I also kind of crashed into a ditch but stayed up. I’m so glad he wasn’t on his Madone or this would now be my obituary… the way back to Bourdeilles was silent like a 5 on a dice with me in the middle.

On a positive note CH was fine, his yellow jersey only slightly damaged and his Skins were also OK (the road rash underneath the Skins didn’t look so ok…).

To make up for things that evening I’d promised to make pizzas as Mark and Sybs had a pizza oven. Unfortunately, the weather descended to a heavy thunderstorm, but we hoped it would clear!

The last night was a trip down into Bourdeilles to the local bistro. The food was amazing (I had a plate of sliced meat for starters, scallops and finally crème brûlée – c’est fantastique!). The wine and beer were excellent, as was the company of the fellow training camp folks!

Si INGREDIENTS 9oz strong white bread flour 1 tablespoon of olive oil 1 teaspoon of sugar A pinch of salt 1 sachet of bakers yeast Around 400ml of warm water Optional: some mixed herbs for the dough

How to make pizza dough (enough for two 12” pizzas)

add a bit more water and work into the dough.

Put all the dry ingredients into a mixing bowl, make a dent in the centre and add a little water, then mix round with your hand. Keep slowly adding the water until the mixture forms one complete mass – it doesn’t matter if the dough is a bit too wet though.

Place the dough in a large bowl (with some flour in the bottom to stop the dough sticking) and then leave in a warm place for between 45 minutes to 2 hours (I prefer 2 hours as you get a much lighter dough).

Take the dough out of the bowl and put it onto a floured work surface (hint: put some flour in the bowl to dry it off, then tip away the now dry remnants), fold in the sides and knead the dough until it has some give to it (like a jelly cube sort of softness). If the dough feels too hard,

Get a host of people to move everything across the grass to the pizza oven, and let your minds run free with artistic merit. This is my favourite though: sun-dried tomato paste, with finely cut oven roasted shallots, garlic, peppers, chorizo, one ball of mozzarella cheese (per 2 pizzas), Cheddar and fresh basil.

Also try desert pizzas with Nutella and banana…

If you’ve not got a super hot pizza oven, buy a pizza stone and let it get hot for 30 minutes in the oven.

No pizza stone? Simply prick the base gently with a fork and bake for 3 minutes before you put the toppings on – no one likes a soggy bottom!

If you do have a pizza oven get some willing volunteers to put the pizzas into it (e.g. Jon or Simon) – but don’t build your pizza too high as otherwise it won’t go onto the paddle and will end up as a makeshift Calzone!

Opposite: “Si!!!!”

Above: Now I’m bloody hungry again.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 15 Magazine

FRIDAY Technical Note: BCTTT Camp.

Dr Jibbenstein.

Friday’s training 0630 Ding-ding-ding ding-dingding. Balls, must be the start of a new day.

0631 F***! F***! Hamstrings still hurt.

A little broken from day one’s efforts, then.

0700 Breakfast.

0830 Assemble on the lawn. Time to stretch for the impending run. Lots of weird lunges. Conehead seems to like directing from his comfy perch wrapped up in his hoodies.

0900 And they’re off! Sarah, Simon and I were the first to leave as we were doing the long route. We got a head start on Andy. I was under instruction not to run too hard after my hamstring destruction. Kinda fine with me really. We started with a nice 8:30/mile pace down into Bourdeilles, following the route of the bakery run over the old bridge, then a right at the bakery onto the back road to Brantome. The three of us were running nicely for the first 5k at this pace. Then Andy came on through.

This was Si’s opportunity to pick up the pace. He followed Andy. I decided I was running comfortably and would stick with Sarah; there were still 4½ days left after all! Si remained in sight for most of the time in fact after his little surge.

There was a BCTTT cluster in the making when we got back to the bridge at Valeuil, running on the opposite side of the road I led out the long way around the junction, possibly confusing Sarah as she spotted a Les Stables sign, and Sybs stood on the bridge thinking we were going the wrong way. Of course I knew where I was going... over the bridge and to the hill into Valeuil.

Looking at the elevation data as I write this it clearly wasn’t the hardest hill; apparently we’d already done that!

Somewhere along the way Mark appeared with his camcorder to film our efforts at running. As the back markers we seemed to be getting a lot of attention with the camera. Damn, I needed to try and look good at running. Did I pull it off? To quote some bald dude I still run like I’m a fat bloke.

There were some nice rises and dips; the pace was good for me and Sarah looked comfortable too. Shortly before Bourdeilles we went off road and through an

Above: More picturesque French villages... ... Brantome this time.

Opposite (left): Jibs and Sar on the run.

Opposite (right): Marc shows the correct technique for accessing the pool.

Global

16 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Jibby underpass; well, it was an underpass for the short people. I think I might actually have been taller than the tunnel. Running hunched over isn’t easy and certainly isn’t good run technique! About 500m from the end Conehead had run back to see us in. You can tell this in my Garmin track as my speed goes from 11 km/ h to 14, as I wasn’t about to let some lazy chancer show me up.

After a cold towel, and playing dress up with a half naked Jody (umm, not quite as dodgy as it sounds, but only just), we all headed into the market for a little shopping. A face full of crêpes for some people, followed by an armful of pastries and coffee.

Me, well I had a nice healthy chicken baguette and an almond croissant.

Jody got a donkey sausage.

Apparently he likes donkey sausage – make of that what you will.

1500 Swim group 1. I wasn’t in this.

1600 Swim group 2. This was the group for those who had good body position but a lousy catch. We were allowed wetsuits. Since seeing the previous group shivering after standing around so much I figured it wasn’t the time to prove how manly I was and opted to ‘try my Helix for the first time this year’. We were free to do our own warm ups.

With the added bonus of a wetsuit I chose to start off with 300m of crawl. I thought about throwing some backstroke/breaststroke/fly in but it looked like my idea of a 1200m warm up set wasn’t quite what everyone else had in mind.

We began by doing some single 25s working on the individual aspects of our stroke that needed correcting. In my case I had to work

on a more catch up based stroke.

I appeared to have moved away from how I used to swim and was windmilling a bit. After that it was a kick set. Apparently I bend my knees too much, cue a couple of 25s of kick. I still bend my knees, d’oh.

Then we had to wear fins. At which point we heard how to stop Si in the water; apparently he doesn’t go very fast kicking with fins. Not sure I do either. I didn’t like wearing fins.

We did some more technique work, then Cone and I were sent to do some 50s while Sybs worked with Si and Andy.

Having destroyed Cone in the pool the day before I think he wanted a rematch on his terms, as he started a stroke counting game. The first 25 wasn’t so good, 16 or so I think. As I got into it though it became easy, especially in a wetsuit.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 17 Magazine

FRIDAY Darren said he wanted to do 12, I did 11, he said he wanted under 12, I did 10. Cue plenty of huffing, followed by accusations of cheating.

FINA allow 15m of underwater kick.

OK, so I can’t do 15m of dolphin kick underwater, but I don’t see what is wrong with doing 7–8m of underwater kick off the wall to minimise my stroke count. It is perfectly acceptable in Masters, but I think Conehead didn’t like being beaten at his own game...

Once the set was over I decided to take a dip sans wetsuit (the water temperature was actually quite nice) to do some back/fly/breaststroke to warm down. And that was day two over.

Swim destruction – or how to effectively destroy the Cone on day one and give everyone major cramp.

One of the big stories from day one was my systematic destruction of Simon and Conehead in the first swim set. Sybs put up quite a nice swim set, if a little short for my usual liking. It went wrong from the off.

I may have a PhD in physics but apparently I can’t count to 8 and did an extra 2 lengths on the opening 200m crawl. Then came the kick set, and the first sign of the impending

Global

18 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

destruction. It seems outside Masters I’m not too bad at kick (well my technique is rubbish). 7 lengths in and I lapped Conehead to the first of many complaints. I got to my 8 lengths and was about to lap Si, so thought what the hell, might as well do 2 more so I don’t end up waiting around too long. Of course, this met with more indignation. Why the hell would anyone want to do more kick?

Umm, well, because I can!

Then we had a couple more 200s of front crawl to finish the warm up. This is when my pace started to brutalise Conehead and Simon. On a couple of people’s swim videos there can be heard complaints from Cone along the lines of having to swim with a dolphin. It didn’t capture anywhere near as many complaints as there were though. After the warm up we had 10x100m on 20s rest, with the first 5 descending time, followed by 5 steady times. Our turn

for videoing came up in this and along the way Simon cramped and didn’t return and then Conehead returned whining. I was videoed halfway through so it fitted nicely into the set.

Cone was now going so slowly I decided to do the 100s off 15s rest. I could feel my legs tightening every time I pushed off the wall, but didn’t give in. Everyone else was broken and Cone was destroyed – just pootling up and down doing his best dry haired old lady impression. The warm down required backstroke. Not being a quitter thought I’d do it, and got my comeuppance. I pushed off the wall after 25m and my hamstrings locked. The pain was excruciating, so bad I couldn’t get out the water.

The cheer was ear splitting when Cone realised what had happened.

Still I was the last survivor. That’s all that counts to me.

Jibby From the scientist – the many uses of IPA as cleaner, firelighter and much more.

IPA, otherwise known as isopropanol.

A secondary alcohol. We use tonnes of the stuff at work and rather than send the ‘waste’ for incineration we occasionally take some home. It is used but still perfectly clean. With Maddy madone being so new and shiny I want her to stay that way, so use number one: bike cleaner and degreasing agent.

Soak some on a cloth and wipe over the frame; it removes all the grime and dries straightaway.

Conehead was destroyed ‒ just pootling up and down doing his best dry haired old lady impression.

Pour plenty on a cloth and you can give the chain a nice cosmetic clean just by running it through the cloth. It works great on the cassette and chainring too. It is also great after degreasing the chain the normal way for a final rinse to dispel water and prevent rusting.

IPA is also highly flammable, so use number two: firelighter. There wasn’t much paraffin for lighting the BBQ, so 100ml of IPA was used and created a fireball 6’ high that lit 1’ away from the actual coal. It worked superbly on the pizza oven too; the rain had soaked all the wood.

A pint of IPA was poured over the wood and it lit very easily.

There are many more uses; apparently a 70% IPA solution will stop the toxin in jellyfish stings being released.

It is also a great disinfectant. You can’t use waste IPA for it, but that Swim Ear stuff is IPA. The list goes on and on. Drinking it, however, is not one of the uses; it will make you rather ill.

Opposite: Dr Mandolphin.

Right: IPA and its delightful flamy goodness.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 19 Magazine

S U N D AY The day of the long run Loved by some (or just me!) and hated by others (that’ll be Jody!).

I was looking forward to another lovely run in the countryside, even though I had heard it was a tough route.

But before we could enjoy the 14km route, we had a session on run technique, starting with us running around the garden a few times so Darren could watch us (or more likely laugh at us). That was followed with explanations about how we should be running (not overstriding, keep upright, high knees and drive through with the arms) and reinforced with various drills involving small hurdles and lots of laughing at each other.

By this point the sun was shining bright and the temperature was slowly climbing. It was going to be another hot day!

Especially as I hadn’t run that far since my half marathon in March.

The first part was easy enough with a nice downhill and then a flat section, before a turn that took us off-road and into a forest.

Then began a short, steep climb and a longer, more gradual uphill drag that I was glad to have been warned about by Darren at the start.

At some point we came back out onto the road for a short while, and then it was back onto a downhill, off-road section where I was reminded that I really do need to pick my feet up more when I run. Somehow I survived without twisting an ankle or falling over. Good cross-country training though! We picked up the long road back towards Brantome, before turning right and running back up the hill to Les Stables.

There was the option to add some extra mileage on at the end if you wanted, as Simon, James and Andy did, but after a short cool down jog I was happy to call it a day and chill out for a bit in the sun.

Anyone know what the mating call of an otter sounds like?

I have no idea, but according to the lads in France my breathing when swimming sounds exactly like it.

They were clearly too busy beasting each other on the first day’s swim session to notice, but on day two I acquired the title of Tarka TMO (the mating otter). So if you don’t know what it sounds like and want to find out, come to France next year. Just be careful when we do the river swim session to Bourdeilles in case it’s the mating season.

Technique session over, it was time for the run. We set off at different times according to abilities and how fast people were planning to run.

Having run with Dr Jibbenstein junior all the way to Brantome a couple of days previously, I decided I was going to take this one a bit slower!

Above: I’m still not asking why.

Opposite: Tarka oversees the beautiful river swimming spot.

Global

20 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Sa r Sports Massage

Benefits of sports massage:

As some of you may already know, I am doing a course in Sports and Remedial massage this year. France seemed like a good opportunity to get some practice in, so I took my massage table on a road trip to France.

• Enhance body awareness and identify problem areas before they turn into an injury.

Although there is still some debate as to whether massage is worth having or not, I for one am a big believer in it (and not just because I am training to be a therapist!). It is thought that by adding sports massage to your routine you can improve your sporting performance, as regular sports massage can increase the blood flow needed for recovery. A better recovery means that you can increase your workouts and allow your body to adapt to a higher level of stress. Sports massage also improves the range of motion and strength of injured muscles and speeds up their healing process.

• Remove trigger points formed as a result of an injury.

• Relax and stretch tissues that cannot be stretched in the usual way.

• Improve range of motion and restore suppleness and elasticity.

• Relieve pain and stress.

• Free muscle adhesions and soften scar tissue caused by a previous injury or overuse.

Sports massage can also be of benefit pre- and post-event. Preevent it can be used in addition to a normal warm up to increase circulation and flexibility and can be used to work on specific problem areas. Post-event it can help speed up the removal of toxins in the body, relieve muscle spasms and prevent soreness.

So, if you haven’t had a sports massage before, give it a go. You might be surprised by the results. I’m certainly hoping Jen, Simon, James and Jody felt some of the benefits after their massages in France.

• Improve circulation and consequently, help flush out toxins that cause muscle stiffness and soreness.

• Relax the mind and body.

• Speed up recovery and healing after training.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 21 Magazine

MONDAY River Swim An amazing experience. The first time I have ever swum in a river – I had only ever swum open water before in lakes. Being at Les Stables with a big group of triathletes with a wide range of experiences gives you the opportunity to do this. Some of the more experienced athletes had swum in rivers before and some had already swum in the particular river.

Backed by the local knowledge of the area and the current directions in the river from Mark, Sybs, Simon and Richard we were all in safe hands and a good swim was had by all. Oh what fun we had as we negotiated the very low water levels at certain points of the river.

We stood up and walked along the riverbed at some points and supermanned at other points where the current just dragged us through the narrow channel between one river and another. We witnessed The Cone’s rock-hopping technique when the water level was too low to swim in. Swimming in this French river was very different to swimming in the lakes I have swum in. The riverbed plants are right up in your face. With each stroke you may catch a weed or two rather than catch the water.

Hill Sets Doing hill sets on a bike I would have thought would be good for building strength, but they are actually very good for bike handling as well. It was a good session where we climbed a steep hill (with a plateau halfway up) on the bike – three times. The challenge was to keep the bike in one gear the whole way up.

The first set was to be done in the

easiest gear. That definitely got my legs spinning. Coach Mark was on my shoulder every step of the way to keep my cadence up. He noticed when it was dropping off. The second set we cranked up a gear and the third set to the third gear.

A good hard session and in the words of Mark if you’re not heavy breathing you’re not working hard enough!

Above: That Brantome is still rather lovely, isn’t it?

Opposite (top): Delegates for the BCTTT river meeting arrive.

Opposite (centre): Getting out on the bike, and avoiding Si.

Global

22 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Je n What it’s like to train with the BCTTT: An outsider’s View Thank you Jody. Yes it was great to meet you all! It is a pretty unique experience being able to train with the BCTTT, although Conehead assured me that I was in the company of some of the more normal members of the BCTTT gang! A tri club for people that don’t want to be in a club (I was told) says it all. That club ethos makes for Jody who can’t run for s**t and world record holder athlete Andy who so I am told is not such a world leader on the bike.

Only, so I am told, because I wasn’t even good enough to make that group! There was a real mixed bag of abilities in the training – you’re sure to find somebody of your level. A fun time to be had by all. We all gave and took plenty of stick along the way – all in good humour. Recommended for the all-ability cluster!

Conehead assured me that I was in the company of some of the more normal members of the BCTTT.

What it’s worth My swimming feels so much easier using the front quadrant swimming principle sold to us by Sybs. I haven’t quite got the swimming faster bit yet but I’d definitely say I swim easier. There was plenty of opportunity to work on your swimming as often as you like here, with daily technique sessions also supported by Sybs. It’s first class swim training. I’m told I’ve improved my bike handling which I guess was proven by the amount of times I rode up and down the looong gravel pathway without falling off and I actually managed to turn the bike without stopping along that stretch at one point.

The run tips given by Conehead were really useful too! Good points to carry forward for run training and racing when you feel you are slipping into the Ironman shuffle.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 23 Magazine

TUESDAY I am the beginner of the group, having done a few mini triathlons over the last couple of years. I had no idea of what I was letting myself in for. My son Jibby thought it would be a good idea for us to join the BCTTT on their annual visit to Les Stables; it could be my birthday present to him, and in fact on the first day there he achieved the important milestone of reaching half my age. Some birthday cake and Champagne that I’d brought given me something to work on, and along seemed to go down well as a little celebration on the first evening, much encouragement. but there didn’t appear to be much The bike rides were brilliant and appetite for booze after that. riding in such expert company as I had has increased my confidence I thought “These guys are serious. I’m going to be floundering here. Oh well, on the bike enormously. Training a few days of abstinence won’t do me with the team was immense fun, and although I was generally bringing any harm.” Anyway I kept it up for a up the rear, the others were always couple of days, but on the next visit to the supermarket, I bought myself generous and helpful. Tuesday was the last day, and given to brick a surreptitious six-pack, and sipped a guilty beer back at camp. Needless sessions of one’s own choosing. My to say, as the week went on the beer next competitive effort will be the mini tri at the Bedford Classic on 3rd and wine began to flow quite a bit.

July where Jibby will be entering the Olympic Distance event.

When we were asked what we wanted to achieve, one of my I decided to do a mini tri and see ambitions was to improve my front how the ancient frame held up after crawl so I could rise from the ranks of the breaststrokers. Analysis of my all that training. It went pretty well.

A quick dip in the pool where my swimming by Sybs suggested that this might be possible, and certainly new front-quadrant front crawl stroke was put to reasonable effect her coaching was brilliant and has

over 200m, a creditable transition and off for a couple of laps or more of the 8k cycle route. All was going well until I dropped the chain on the second lap with 2k to go back to Les Stables. The chain was well tangled, and the front mech bent from my efforts to get it back on.

Fortunately, Jody was passing and held the bike for me while I stood in the stinging nettles and sorted it out.

I couldn’t get the chain off the small ring, so decided that was enough bike, and headed back to Les Stables to try my hand at running. Jody was just setting off on his run so we decided to run the 5k to Bourdeilles and back together. Jody went off to run it again, but that was enough for me.

Nevertheless, altogether quite a satisfying effort.

Above: High elbows were order of the day.

Opposite (left): Lining up to get it in the river.

Opposite (right): Brantome, eh? Better than Slough, that’s for sure.

Global

24 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Prof W Time then to lie in the grass, relax, refresh and await the return of the others from their altogether more heroic efforts. I have never had so much exercise in a week. Who knows? Maybe an Olympic Distance next year.

Since returning I have joined a local cycle club, and as you will have seen I have joined the BCTTT and am looking forward to further interaction with you all.

As Jody has forbidden me from

posting jokes on the forum, I will have to repeat the joke here.

It is a nice story from Clement Freud and concerns a man who liked to drink a lot. His exasperated wife told him that if he came home drunk again she would leave him.

So he went to the pub and got drunk, threw up down himself and said to his friend “If I go home my wife will leave me.”

His friend said “What you must do is put a £10 note in your inside jacket

pocket, and take it out and show it to her and say ‘‘A man threw up over me.

He gave me this for the dry-cleaning bill.’”

So he went home and his wife said “Now what’s all this?”and he said “No, no, no, a man threw up over me.

Look he gave me this £10 for the dry cleaning bill.” To which she said “Then, why are you showing me two £10 notes?”

He thought for a few moments and said “The other is from the man who shat in my pants.”

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 25 Magazine

THE COACH S VIEW Global Domination Camp – the coaches view As you’d expect for a BCTTT training camp, the road to it was far from straightforward. Managing to double book myself with the camp and Escape from Alcatraz I was faced with having to go straight from Les Stables to San Francisco – which was a trip too far even for me.

So EFA was binned and Les Stables was back on.

Having filled the whole of Les Stables last year, getting bums on seats was more difficult for the 2011 edition. Sign of the times I guess, and whilst I may think it’s the best bang for your training buck you’re going to get, you need to have been to Les Stables to fully appreciate it and its superiority to other more well known training locations. With just 7 people on camp plus myself, it was going to be cosy in terms of coaching, meaning the people on the week should get massive payback from it. However, I was ‘on’ then ‘off’ the camp several times along with Mike the Bike in the weeks before it, before managing to get the planets aligned and buying the ferry ticket finally committing myself.

I got to Les Stables the day before everyone else, which gave me time to settle in as well as bag the best room (obviously). It was a fairly lonely drive all the way from Manchester to Dordogne, but I managed to spice the initial journey up with a suitable BCTTT fuck up.

Entering the Portsmouth harbour destination into the shatnav it gave me ‘Portsmouth-Le Havre’ which I assumed to be the actual ferry departure point. Clever things these shatnavs. With the ferry leaving at 11pm, it was fairly disconcerting to see my ETA as 10.58pm.

This instigated me trying to break the land speed record for Manchester to Portsmouth. However, the ETA time did not budge. By the time I got to Oxford I was resigning myself to missing the ferry and having to remortgage the house to get the next ferry. But something wasn’t right – how could the satnav have me 3 hours away from Portsmouth when I was almost at Winchester? Zooming out on the displayed journey, it showed that it was literally taking me to Le Havre!

Reclicking on the harbour the adjusted time had me into the ferry 2½ hours early... FFS! But it’s the BCTTT right?

I’d managed to get a cabin on the ferry, so once on board I tried to settle down. Being on a cross channel ferry has always left images of ‘Herald of Free Enterprise’ in my mind and sleeping on a rough crossing was fitful. Every time the ship lurched it woke me up in a panic as I thought it was all about to go ‘Poseidon adventure’, silly really given I had no problem jumping out of planes in a previous job.

Getting off the ferry it’s a straight run to Les Stables for 5–6 hours depending on how often you want to stop. We may not like the French for anything but their wine, but the toll roads were inexpensive, well maintained and HGVs not allowed into the second lane for most of it – meaning a straight run. I have no doubt the same distance journey in the UK would take 3 weeks as you waited behind a HGV overtaking another HGV at 1cm per mile travelled.

Sweeping down the drive to Les Stables was like coming home

Left: Bon Bon, waiting for a toy to be lobbed.

Opposite: Les Stables apartment – I wish my kitchen was that tidy.

Global

26 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Conehe ad for many reasons which you need to come on the camp to fully appreciate. I breezed back into Les Stables after a nice 90-min ride, got changed and hit the amazing 25m pool for a quick 60 lengths and unwind. I then sat down to a planning meeting with Mark and Sybs about the week’s activities before the gang arrived. Mark outlined a brief sketch of how they saw the week going, which by and large was very good – hence I wanted to change everything.

– brilliant sunshine, Bon Bon (the resident dog) running around and Mark sat on his lawnmower. A big hug for Mark and Sybs, with Bon Bon going mental as she knew people were arriving which meant a steady supply of throwing arms for her toys.

Stepping into the immaculate apartments, which are spec’d to an absurdly high standard, I couldn’t wait to get on the bike and hit the roads. The car was un-packed, best room claimed, fridge filled with food and early night ready to hit the road the following morning.

Arrivée A 9am text from Jody announced everyone present, correct, in France and on the way to Les Stables. Of course, I seriously doubted any of them making it without any hitch – and with that thought I headed out on one of the in-house Specialized Allez to reacquaint myself with the local roads and enjoy the glorious sunshine.

Riding in France and even a rural part of France such as the Dordogne is a polar opposite experience to riding at home;

They were less than enthusiastic about my ‘train from 7am to 2pm’ plan, pointing out the lack of breaks for food. I explained that the fresh air and sound of my voice should be all the sustenance they needed.

However, I compromised and allowed a short break for lunch in the middle of the day. The get up early and be finished by 3pm–4pm scheme remained, though.

The executive summary was that between me, Mark, Sybs, Simon and Richard (ex army PTI friend of Mark and Sybs) everyone’s needs would be catered for along with my learnings from the previous year, i.e. don’t let people self select the difficulty of the group they’re with, scaled runs and distances etc.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 27 Magazine

THE COACH S VIEW Everyone arrived (sort of ) around mid-afternoon. However, with time running out the planned familiarisation run was shelved until the start of the week’s activities the following day. Helping people unpack as they arrived, I took Gingertri’s bike only to discover a flavadave-esque mechanical issue with it. Essentially threading the chain incorrectly through the rear mech which he’d then raced a HIM distance with. A rear mech I would get to see much closer on later that week...

The comedy begins The first day involved a briefing by me on group riding, etiquette and all basic info about being in a peloton.

It’s always a nervous time for me as most people that take part in triathlon are appalling at riding bikes and are mostly accidents waiting to happen.

This is usually compounded by incorrectly sized, fitting or set up bikes – or all 3 – when it comes to AG level triathlon. Runningmad and Jenny from the block kept the status quo as they appeared to have been sold bikes for 12-year-

Global

28 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

But the best way to learn is by ‘doing’ so with fingers crossed we hit the road (but not literally, that would change on the last day...).

It was a steep learning curve for most, and revision for others. But it did highlight who needed to work on what, and how technical bike riding is. Everyone kept upright and we made it back in one piece, which was the best-case scenario.

old girls – in fact, the bikes weren’t much larger than the Trek ‘Mystic’ my 6 year old has. Hardly their fault, and a good example of just how shit some people in bike shops can be at selling bikes.

Dr Jibbenstein was sporting his Trek Madone, as was Prof Jibbenberger Snr; everyone had their beloved bikes apart from me. The LC 1.0 only goes in straight lines quickly so France was out of the question, and my Madone 6 (The Hornet) was still in Arizona. So while everyone got to enjoy their personal carbon loveliness, I was on the aluminium Spesh Allez much to everyone else’s delight.

Oh the shame...

The afternoon involved swimming, with Sybs doing the coaching – myself, Dr Mandolphin Jibbenstein and Gingertri set ourselves up in our own lane. My strategy of wearing board shorts to increase drag (as I do for all training swims) was soon to reveal itself as an extremely bad idea.

Simon being in the same lane as me and the Jibster would prove to be his bad idea of the day – in fact, all 3 of us in the same lane would indeed prove to be generally ill thought out.

Starting out with approximately 4km of kicking as a warm up started the road to destruction.

Conehe ad With Mandolphin Jibster kicking like a motorboat, Simon and myself were left floundering in his wake as I cursed the board shorts. When it came to ‘normal’ swimming I pounced on Jibby’s feet trying desperately to hold them before watching them steadily pull away towards the end of each set.

Rejoining Dr Mandolphin in our lane I was a broken shell (having tried to instigate several stewards inquiries re jammers and swimming dolphin kick half a length underwater) – all fuelled by my inability to dolphin kick that far and wearing those fucking stupid board shorts.

Trying to breath through my eyeballs I was seriously considering getting out and putting on the club trisuit known for its swim skin like effect. The session went on in this manner (whilst everyone else was being sensible and coached) until I noticed Simon flapping on the side of the pool like a salmon out of water. He was the first victim of the physical destruction of ‘swim Jibby down’.

However, all was not lost, as I floated up and down in an ineffectual cool down – the Mandolphin himself was frozen to the end of the pool, paralysed by cramp. It seems he was human after all and the relentless pursuit of holding me off had caught up.

Victory, however, belonged to noone and a gentleman’s agreement of ‘mutually assured destruction’ was reached for all subsequent swim sessions.

Although we did engage in counting the strokes, I was unable to get under 11 per length due to his bloody dolphin kick. The moral of that story is Jibby is a great example of someone who has not fucked about being taught to swim slowly by triathletes, but swim fast by ‘swimmers’ – essentially an entire class of swim nemeses. Throwing himself (literally) into the deep end of a masters swim session and being forced to keep up. Of course, he had a couple of technical things to work on as did I (don’t we all?).

I’ve said it before – numerous times – if you want to learn how to swim fast learn from a swimmer. Same goes for bike and run. Yes, there is a difference when it comes to tri, but it’s up to you to ‘adjust the volume’ accordingly in your race to finish it.

This was the end of Simon’s day and he dragged himself back to the apartment by his arms. By now I was not only over swimming, but life in general as my failed hunting down of Jibby left me with the swim ability of a DHOL. As Jibby was filmed I essentially floated face down from one end of the pool to the other. By the time Sybs got around to filming me my 15–18 per length stroke count had rocketed to 25 with a stroke shorter than Mini me’s.

Opposite: Darren’s nemesis – the dolphin and the Spesh Allez. Like a page of pain.

Right: Jody being put through his paces.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 29 Magazine

THE COACH S VIEW Going down faster than a $10 hooker There were two cycling incidents over the last two days, the first involving me demonstrating my patented ‘tuck n roll’ which is guaranteed to save you from breaking a wrist and/or collarbone.

However, the person best placed to tell that story is the person with the best view of the whole thing – Jody.

The second incident happened on the very last day. This is where everyone wrapped up their skills with a triathlon, some doing a supersprint, a full sprint, a double sprint and OD. My job was to circulate on the 8km bike loop picking people up as I went and keeping them going with some soft coaching over the 2 hours or so it took everyone to complete whatever they were doing on the bike.

I picked up Jody and he was not hanging around; he was drilling hard with an impressive turn of speed I was having to work hard to match.

Unknown to me at the time, I had a slow puncture which would be flat by the next lap with Sarah. In any case, puncture or no puncture Jody was flying.

Then in the home straight, he drifted onto the verge – he rode on the verge long enough for me to laugh and shout ‘He’s off! Whooooooooha!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!’

I had no doubt he would simply drift back onto the road. However, he committed the cardinal sin of ‘looking where he did NOT want to go’ which means you actually ride where you’re looking and rode away down an extremely deep bank and off into a ploughed field.

It was impressive to see him keep it upright and eventually come to a stop bottom bracket deep in mud.

I, of course, cycled off laughing, mainly fuelled by the previous day’s shenanigans which he can tell you about.

Left: Darren doing the one safe form of exercise left.

Above: Jody, going off-road like Lance.

Opposite: The happy smiling faces of the weary.

Global

30 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Conehe ad In summary...

The week itself went extremely smoothly, with a very mixed bag of abilities and experience which was all eased along with the amazing weather. There is a huge amount to learn about swimming, cycling and running and I felt that everything was scaled appropriately in terms of intensity.

Setting off on the market run I partnered up with Jenny from the block (chief dark horse, I haven’t done this before, oh look I’m fast by accident...) with Jody to ‘run down’ who had set off a few minutes before. However Jody ‘I hate running’ had gone from 11 min miles in 2010 including some walking, to 9 min miles with no walking. Meaning we had to actually ‘run’ to catch him up.

Simon had gone from average cyclist to decent cyclist (mainly through not dying at the side of the road on long rides) and even Andy Wadds managed to not fall over clipped in every 5 mins like last time. Sarah and Jenny went from ‘they look like they’re going to crash their bikes in the next 10 secs’ to ‘they look like they’ll make it through a race without crashing’ despite being mis-sold kids bikes.

Prof Jibbenstein Snr PB’d in everything both in terms of time and distance every day, whilst Dr Jib set himself up perfectly for IM Germany. Jody ‘I haven’t trained’ is in fact 100% fitter than last year and technically better.

For me, everyone left a hell of a lot more technically competent than they arrived. Something which is hard for them to see until they find themselves at their next race. Even I was shown one drill which was the missing link in my swimming. The small numbers meant (I think) we got a lot more done. But of course everyone wants more, everyone now knows that a week isn’t enough and two weeks is where it’s at!

Having been a lot of places to train for triathlon, as a ‘camp’ environment Les Stables really is second to none.

Triathlon is full of testosteronefuelled ‘A’ type personalities as it is, without going to a resort full of them.

Imagine hundreds of ‘me’ all over the place. At Les Stables you can get on with the business of training without being in competition with everyone else. And all this in the perfect surroundings of rural France, in apartments which are nicer than most people’s houses. Sure, there are a couple of things missing – maybe a gym or ‘proper’ running track.

However, the benefits outweigh those two minor factors by so far I feel bad even mentioning them.

Les Stables is probably the best kept secret in triathlon right now, with Mark and Sybs being the nicest, warmest, most accommodating hosts you’re ever likely to meet.

So, Les Stables 2012… Who’s coming?

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 31 Magazine

Global

32 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

The Team Laws project needed a major overhaul as Ewan had outgrown his original seat. Here is the amazing replacement buggy made by the mighty Mike and Jay at Bridgtown.

Fabulous work.

Pics: The boy Laws.

August 2011

Global

7 Dom nation 33 Magazine

ALISTAIR'S SWIM

Alistair Brownlee. 2009 World Champion. Otley Reservoir, U

Global

Dom nation March 2010 Magazine

MMING FASTER.

.K. 6.02am. Training faster in a Helix.

www.blueseventy.com

THE WORLD IS SWIMMING FASTER IN BLUESEVENTY.

Global

March 2010 Dom nation Magazine

Ask the Dry-Haired Old Lady r! a e d , e c i n at’s th

Dry-haired old ladies – clogging up the lanes at the local pool, chatting about Doris needing her hip done and that new family in the area looking a bit ‘foreign’. They know fook all about triathlon, right?

Wrong, and bear in mind that the breaststroking old bat is more likely to win her age group and get to Kona on account of everyone else in the 85–90 AG being DEAD!

Right, young man, I’ve made a lovely cup of tea and here are some Hob Nobs. Whatever could be bothering you at your age? I’ll just turn Songs of Praise down and you can tell me all about it...

Scots pancake See you, Hilda an’ tha’

Dear Hoots

You’se gots tae help me an’ ma pals, Hildae. We’s racin’ at this thing in the Sooth, an’ ahn am tootly ‘fraed we’s gonna ge’ burned by tha terrbl’ heat a’ the soon. Will they lafft’ us if ah wear a balaclava to protec’ me senstiv skin on ma feas?

A balaclava is a splendid look whatever the season, and me and the knitting circle have done you a splendid set in red and pink that you’ll look a treat in. We wouldn’t want you dear chaps to get a chill while watching THE MIGHTY WEST COUNTRY MASSIVE WREAK A TERRIBLE TRIATHLON SHOEING UPON YOU!

Hoots Mon, Glaswegianshireton

Southern fried Dear Mrs H O’lady I used to be a swimmer, but have had scant opportunity to get to the pool recently. My technique has gone to pot and I’m worried I won’t be able to out swim the Unseen-LurkingHorror when I next race in a Nottingham lake.

Do you have any tips?

PoofoMopo the Sarf PoofoMopo, Dear Baldy

Buttered boast Dear Hilda My tri club are having a little competition at a race in Nottingham and there will be about 40 of us, all hoping to demonstrate our tri-prowess. I’m worried about letting my team down badly – do you have any tips that might help me from making a total tool ol of myself in front of my friends?

Mr D Roberts Tool, Baldshire Dear Darren Ah dear, I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Remember the tale of the hare and tortoise, and winning isn’t everything you know. I find that if I am getting a little worried then a nice camomile tea helps, or popping out to the day centre and chatting to Arthur about his varicose veins.

Or, you could just DO SOME FUCKING TRAINING, because I read in the Mail that the West Country is opening a can of whup-ass on you fools.

Global

36 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

It’s pretty easy really, and you’ll find swimming is a good way to catch up with friends, too. If you keep your head up then you can avoid getting your eyebrows wet, and avoid any of that unnecessary splashing.

Horace sometimes goes in the fast lane, but he worries about looking a bit serious with all the young people in their boardy shorts. You might want to get a pair of those if you are ACTUALLY GOING TO GET IN THE POOL IN THE MONTH OF AUGUST and not get left behind by the Wurzels.. My dear.

The old bats are scaring me now.

They’ve crocheted ted a dinner nner service full of place mats and are talking about a scarf... send help... ed@bcttt.com.

BCTTT Club Championship

2011

BCTTT-TEAMS TRASH TALK Last issue we introduced the BCTTT club champs relay teams to the masses; now they get to tell you why they will uphold the ethos of the BCTTT above all others. Enjoy the riffs on victory, because when the clusters start, there’s no stopping us...

NATIONAL CLUB RELAY CHAMPS NOTTINGHAM, 27–28TH AUGUST ORGANISED BY ONE STEP BEYOND

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 37 Magazine

LOONACHICKS

Featuring: Team Captain and best tri-ma in the world: Christine “Speedy Gonzales” Scibby Cat “Faster than Andy” Butler Laura “Faster than JB” Heywood Wile E Campbell-Smith

The Loonachicks just stared at the other teams. Their eye contact was unflinching.

The other teams will blink first.

Global

38 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

TEAM BOY BUTTER Starring: Team Captain and founder Conehead Craig “Powerlegs” Miskin Chris “Far too young” Weeks Ewan “Sub-10 IM” Mac (ish) The concept of creating a unique band of formidable elite athletes, skilled in the ancient arts of triathlon and capable of challenging for the world’s highest sporting accolade, the BCTTT Team Relay Champions, has long been in the psyche of the founder of the World’s favourite Triathlon team. A vision that was once a dream has now been turned into reality by the drive and determination of the first Knight of Sufferlandria – Sir Darren ‘Conehead’ Roberts. Beginning its life as little more than a ‘supremely bonded band of brothers’, the Team Butter Boy group has evolved into a well-forged unit of perfection, which will be the envy of all those at Holme Pierrepoint.

Officially founded on Thursday 13th January 2011, after a lengthy meeting at The BCTTT Global Domination Head Quarters at Volcano Island, the Team Butter Boy vision became a reality.

Drawing on the resources of only the finest individuals, Messers Conehead, Wannabetri, Weeksy and Ewan, the team is looking forward to a successful race in The National Club Relays, following earlier triumphs for team members in the W H Gill Dukes 50-mile TT Handicap, Southampton 10km and Stock Exchange International Relay Swim.

Aside from the shiny carbon bling, deep rimmed wheels and the tightest kit going, the true ethos of Team Butter Boy is really found embedded in the hearts and minds of the other BCTTT club teams. Far from being characterised by our material assets, it is the strong camaraderie and a lionhearted spirit and will of the other BCTTT teams for us to win that defines who we really are.

Welcome to Team Butter Boy... The BCTTT Team Relay Champions and Champions-elect... Thanks for stopping by.

Please note: Other BCTTT teams need not enter the National Club Relays for fear of embarrassment and multiple lapping by Team Butter Boy. Team Butter Boy accepts no responsibility for any tears shed or toys thrown from prams. You compete against Team Butter Boy at your own risk. Any damage to body, equipment or egos will not be held against Team Butter Boy.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 39 Magazine

THE HILLFOLK HOBBITS Starring: Team Captain and source of knowledge: Bungo Castle Bandobras Bullroarer Cameron Samwise “Chappers” Chapman Peregrine “Ginge” Carter Trash talking.

There’s a lot wrong with the world. And it would all be sorted out if we could just line “them” up against the wall and shoot them. Which is great in principle. But falls down when it comes to working out who “them” actually are. But, dear readers, there is one simple test to sort out the good from the bad. And that is “Do they drop litter?” It’s a wonderfully hard and fast rule. Because no one drops litter sometimes. You either do, or you don’t. Even if the latter means sprinting down the road in the wind and rain after that elusive scotch egg wrapper. Of course, it’s food packaging that’s the worst. Bad for the animals who get a whiff of food smell, and assume that the wrapper is something nice and nutritious. Yum-Yum. ChompChomp. Cue some horrible death a few hours later. Although, by way of an interesting side observation, I note that no animal is ever interested in a discarded HiZipPower fruits of the forest flavour gel wrapper.

Not even ants. Or female donkeys in season.

Now, this simple rule can also be extended to other areas. Are you feeling a bit overweight, not quite at optimal body fat percentage? Then try my “L-Plan” diet. Next time you are out on the bike, running down a lane, or floating in a lake, simply observe the branding and product details of the discarded food wrappers, drink cans and cartons you see. And never consume those items again. You’ll soon find all nasty unhealthy junk eliminated from your diet. You’ll feel better, both physically and spiritually. Because it’s the stuff that “them” eat. Which is probably what makes them bad; you are what you eat and all that.

And while we’re on the subject... hang on. The Editor has just come over to my desk at GD towers, had a scan of my copy, and pointed out that I’ve got the wrong end of the stick. It’s apparently not that sort of trash that I am supposed to be talking about. It seems it’s something to do with Australian Cricketers and such like. Let me have another go... ahem...

“The only reason I am fat is because I have eaten all Ben Law’s wife’s biscuits”.

No. It’s no good. I just can’t do it. To be honest, my heart’s not in it. The truth is that I can’t get past the outstanding fact that we have, at the last count, 11 teams entered. Fantastic. 44 people up for it. It’s like we are some great big proper club. For some it will even be their first OW swim race. All there to have a great time, swimming, cycling and running. No matter how fit or unfit, fast or slow we happen to be. I think everyone is just amazing.

So, I’ll shut up now. And we’ll just let our legs (and arms) do the talking. See you in August!

Global

40 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

CIDER SWILLING EYE CANDY Starring: Team Captain and reigning SGM Jody Holder of MDiL ris David “Moff” Moffat The Mystery racer

The cider drinkers will spare any confusion – 2011 is going to be the year of the West at the relays. We’d love to be able to offer a shred of hope to the other teams but it just ain’t going to happen for you all. We’re a finely honed team and we’re going to demonstrate just how a lesson in triathlon will be learned. Err...learnt. OK - Taught.

In your hearts you all knew this already, and we’re grateful that the other teams are making the effort to cheer on our victory parade, despite your disappointment. The ethos of the BCTTT is at the heart of our merry band, and the question isn’t whether we win, or even by how big a margin, but what sartorial genius will the team be wearing while doing so.

After Brother ris’ exquisite tailored attire at last year’s club champs we can assure those attending that we will be on the cutting edge of this season’s must-have autumn fashions. Let’s just say the 80’s tri styles aren’t dead; they’re just resting.

In true BCTTT style, we have a team captain who despises running, a bloke who forgets his clothes and one of the other two will probably fail to turn up. We have the Benny Hill music as our prerace tune, and “Carry on triathlon” could be filmed just by watching us race.

In particular we are going to demonstrate a whupping unto the Southern Shandy drinkers – don’t think we have forgotten the cheap trick you played on Brother Moff all those years ago in that Dorchester pub. The relays are payback for breaking his heart. That lass had agreed to come back to his place on his new combine – and she had some decent acreage that would’ve gone well with his farm. He was devastated.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 41 Magazine

THE HAGGIS HEROES Starring: Team Captain and most Northern: Angus McCoatUp S11 Toni MacAroni B99 Phil MacCavity Ben Doon Rigg

Team Boy Butter will to be too busy lubing themselves with some Manchvegas Donkey sperm to be a concern... Weeksy will be fascinated as it will be the first time he’ll be allowed off his child restrainer and Conehead will be too busy shouting “fuck.”

Team Hobbit will be too busy shaving their feet...

The fact of the matter is this – Haggis Heroes are the most dominant force in all of the relay’s.

We’ll be trailblazing, hellraising, pedal popping, no run stopping all the waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy to the finish.

FACT.

Global

42 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

LOST IN TRANSITION Featuring: Team Captain and fresh 220 convert: BlinkyBaz The Mystery Otter Andrew “Sonofsammo” Howden Bex Hallewell

Lost In Transition have already hatched a plan more devious and cunning than devious-fox’s devious-mate’s plan.

We are to dispatch Andrew (sonofsammo) with a herd of otters. The otters will attack the other swimmers while Andrew nails the swim. The reason the otters won’t get him is due to him having rubbed fish on the other racer’s wetsuits.

As for the bike bit – well Bex will be the first out as we will have so much otter time in the bag. She will be greasing the road like Inspector Gadget while bringing in a great time.

The other member who should be Lorraine Lambert (she may not make it as she is ill) will be using Harry Potter’s Cloak of Invisibility to sneak past anyone who avoids the grease traps, while riding a borrowed motor bike.

Then comes the run plan. Well, that involves me, Baz, scaring the others off by wearing lycra. I will also be using the new and fully race legal powered roller skates I have invented. They just happen to look a lot like Mizuno wave rider 13s.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 43 Magazine

MIDLANDS CLUSTER-FLUMPS Starring: Team Captain Ian “IanM” Manders Lee “Net genius” Williams Mick “Who the Daddy?” Wood Dale “Treesurgeon”

The only train Laws knows about is the 8:46 to Victoria that he gets to go buy his Veet from Londinium (because that’s where the professionals buy it from). Weeksy....WEEKSY!? I mean come on, by the time that boy has had his nappy changed and permission off his mum to take the stabilisers off the bike so he can play with the big boys we’ll all be halfway through the run!

You all just need to understand, and for those of you north of the border I can draw pictures for you if it makes things easier... and in wax crayon, is that the Flumps... are coming to town, to take you down!

Take you down to Chinatown!

Ezekiel 25:17:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Before today this was just some shit we used to say before whooping someone into the ground...

Global

44 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

SOUTHERN SHANDY DRINKING SOFTIES Starring: Team Captain and campest pose: Ben “Willieverfinish” Laws James “Jellybaby” Heywood Ade “Tritans” Tansley Stu “DIMUK” Crawford

I bet you’re all strutting about the office after giving it Charlie large from behind a PC... well I have news for you girls and boys: the Southern Shandy drinkers are gonna take it to you. A doublebarrelled delivery of smackdown and we’ll hand you your arses on a plate.

None of this is like the billy bullshit that the other teams are all bashing on about – reality is that my granny is faster than you lot put together.

As for the so-called Butter Boys – they’ll be too busy lubing themselves up to make the start line. The Northern Monkeys will be trying to get their kestrals and pigeons back in their cages to make the race a “race”.

This team are ready – ready for the impending smash fest, and ready to show you how it’s done... and obviously, ready to cheat if we have to.

We shall be employing schoolboy tactics (they worked 20 years ago!), so make sure your wettie is done up folks – it can get rough in the swim. Get too close on the bike and we will give you a “burn-out” on your rear wheel and cock about on the run and we’ll simply trip you up. Then as you go down we will follow it up with an 80’s wrestling special – we have all been learning to drop the elbow and if things really kick off then it’ll be the belly-to-belly suplex.

We are stood to. We have our orders and we work as a team; one unit, one goal and there will be only one ending – victory for the Shandy Drinkers.

Bring it chumps.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 45 Magazine

FEMME FATALE FLOUNDERERS Starring: Team Captain and tireless friend of this mag: Sarah “Tarka the mating otter” RunningMad Sarah “Friend of Andy and CatB” Cass Cate “Moonshine” Langley Cheryl “HubbaHubba” Weeks

To be honest, it will be the girls who show you all how it’s done! We understand far better than all of you how a race is actually done. We have already drawn up a cast iron nutrition plan. Pre-race will be cake, home-made of course, and possibly a cheeky little white, chilled to perfection to keep hydration at optimum. During the race will be fine Belgian chocolate bars, taped to the handlebars to enable little ladylike nibbles en route; bottles will be chocolate milkshake, possibly with ice cream to give it a bit more oommpphh. Just before T2, we will be sucking extra strong mints to make us minty fresh for the relay handover cheek kissing...

Transition will be laid out to optimise efficiency, with makeup mirrors, waterproof mascara and 18-hour lippy for freshening up. As this will be the first course the wine will be white or possibly rosè. T2 will provide red wine, deodorant and a smidge behind the ears of Channel before heading out on the run. Nothing worse than a less than sweet smelling runners; boys please take note! On the run, we will be making use of our training at smoothing down our hair and composing our features for the on-course photographers in order to look composed at all times. Some things are just too important to overlook. When our race is over, we will enjoy a glass of sparkling champagne as our recovery drink. We considered a dessert wine, but we prefer something more celebratory!

So gentleman, do your worst. We are ready for you...

Global

46 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

SOUTHERN RIVIERA PLAYBOYS Starring: Team Captain and part-time fish: Bopomondo James “Jibby” Wilson Scotty “Pink power” Burrows Mark “MD6” Donnelly

Hello, greetings and how do you do? I am Mr. Bopo, Team Captain of the Southern Riviera Playboys relay team, though you may simply call me ‘Sir’, whilst averting your eyes, of course.

For the club championships we (in the royal sense) have formed a team composed entirely of the ruling classes. And in keeping with our position in life, that position being standing upright rather than dragging our knuckles on the ground and contemplating life with but a single eyebrow, we intend to embolden the mark of Southern superiority upon you.

So, you inbreds think you can touch the Playboys? You think you can touch us without getting burned? You think you’ve got what it takes to beat us? We’ve got Ironmen on our side... and I’m not talking about ‘cast iron’ that smashes into little pieces when the going gets tough on the run... I’m talking about iron that lasts the full distance. Iron that counts as REAL iron.

We can swim faster than you run – and unlike certain Team Boy Fluffer ‘members’ we don’t need to hang onto the side of a canoe crying for mummy while we’re doing it. We run further than you can bike and we bike faster than you lot can breed – which is indeed saying something.

Yes, we’re racing against Northerners – but you’ll be so distracted on your tyre swings and eating your own live young in transition that we’ll blast past – and we’re also racing Wurzels, who will notice the sun rising and then realise they have some odd provincial duty to do like harvest things for my dinner.

Also, Lord help us, they appear to have allowed Celts over the wall. Careless, indeed... but ultimately nothing that a good vet couldn’t fix with a few injections.

Regardless, the Southern Riviera Playboys are here to out-swim, out-bike, out-run and simply outclass all of you. And regardless of the result, only one team will be heading back to sunshine, palm trees and bikini-clad girls who are neither pale blue nor spherical.

Southern Riviera Playboys win, whatever.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 47 Magazine

THE LAST FEW

Starring: Team Captain and wondering how he got here: Will Burnish Baz “Doubling up” Williams Dr “the Prof” Jibbenstein Andy “Clump” Waddington This team of well honed elite athletes have come together to show how it is to be done. Being made up of newer members of the BCTTT we have nothing to prove. The team is made up of youth and experience with many secret weapons which can be deployed during the race. The other teams entering are merely there to provide a bridge as we walk over you all.

The team Will, the team captain and expert in the water. His speciality breaststroke limp will be carving through the water.

Baz, our all rounder with epic skills, will have had a full practice session of the course prior to race day so be warned. We will have secret tactics following this.

Andy, our running expert, will be smashing the 5k well under 20 mins.

We also have the weapon of an unknown team member, who has so much power over one of our rivals that beating them will not be an issue. They will just be told to let us past.

Our race aims are: To maximise the number of clusters which can be delivered by one team.

Help prop up the results table.

Ensure global domination continues.

The reality is that most of the team are triathletes who have the skill and experience to come second from bottom. We’re not bothered as we are ‘the last few’. But we cant wait to smash it up, so be warned!

Global

48 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

BCTTT VITAL STATISTICS Another chance to state the bloody obvious, here are some predictable stats as we ask the masses which club will uphold the spirit of the BCTTT to the highest at the relays?

WHICH TEAM WILL UPHOLD THE ETHOS OF THE BCTTT TO THE HIGHEST AT THE RELAYS?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

CIDER SWILLERS SHANDY DRINKERS LOST IN TRANSITION LOONACHICKS HAGGIS HEROES CLUSTER FLUMPS BOY BUTTERERS FEMME FATALES THE LAST FEW HOLLFOLK HOBBITS RIVIERA PLAYBOYS

April 2011

Global

Dom nation 49 Magazine

dr jibbing-style Scott’s association with snowboarding began on a family ski holiday in St Anton, aged 12. By age 14–15 his talent was plain for all to see, and his riding was attracting a fair bit of notice. By the time his school days were drawing to a close, Scott was in the enviable position of being sponsored and doing a winter season in the USA seemed the obvious choice.

Although Whistler is often portrayed in the snowboarding media as a backcountry Mecca, it was in the Blackcomb Park where Scott spent most of his time. This is plainly in evidence from his tech but ultra stylish kicker and rail riding, and it was a formative experience.

By the fourth season, the McMorris bag of tricks was beginning to look pretty impressive and he had gained recognition amongst his peers as one of the finest park riders to come out of the UK. The following season, the easily accessible backcountry terrain of Morzine proved the perfect training ground for honing these new skills.

A few more winters down the line and Macca is now – at least in UK snowboarding – the household name he has long deserved to be, with a slew of sick movie sections and some impressive results at UK championships in big air and slopestyle. His riding is as strong and stylish as ever both in the park and on street terrain, but with his recently perfected backcountry skills he’s now a heavyweight contender for the top spot in UK snowboarding.

Global

51 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

Who are you, and what do you do?

My name is Scott McMorris, I’m from Edinburgh and I’m 29! I’ve been a professional snowboarder for the last 10 years and in September 2010 I started working for Oakley UK as their Sports Marketing Manager – looking after about 50 athletes across 7 sports.

You could say I have officially retired as a pro snowboarder.

basis can set you back if you’re on the competition circuit. You need to be in optimum condition and I suppose I’ve been lucky enough to have the best support around from Red Bull (note from Ed – through Conehead, so Scott clearly has low expectations...) and Space Clinics in Edinburgh.

How did it all start?

Back in 1995 I followed my older brothers snowboarding on a family ski holiday and never looked back.

Pre-season I would spend three days a week either running or cycling. I would usually alternate between them and the rest of the days in the gym working with a strength and conditioner to build on core strength.

Do you need to be fit for what you do? If so, what type of training and roughly how many hours per week?

Yes, very. The amount of knocks and impacts you take on a weekly

What injuries have you had?

Grade 4 separation on my left shoulder, grade 2 separations to my left and right shoulders, arthroscopy on my left knee, various ankle sprains and two broken thumbs.

ELITE INTERVIEW

SCOTT McMORRIS

Do you want to be in the BCTTT?

“Yes! Sign me up!”

Have you ever done a triathlon or would you consider doing one?

I took part in the London Triathlon last year in the teamed relay with two teammates from Oakley and I was pencilled in for the running part. I’ve always run on my own and never really been that competitive with it. I run a lot over Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh, which is more cross-country than time trial, but I loved it. I would recommend to anyone to get involved.

Best place you’ve travelled to and/or best experience so far doing what you do for a living?

I went to Japan in 2009 on a magazine trip and I absolutely loved it. I’ve never experienced snow like it and the culture there is very different to the UK. For that reason I would go back in a second.

Do you have a road bike? If so what is it?

I bought a Specialized Allez 18 in 2009 and I use it for long distance rides down the East Coast of Edinburgh. I also own two single speed bikes for hill training. I’m looking to upgrade soon.

Who is the fittest person you’ve come up against and why?

I met Tim Don at last year’s London Triathlon. I’d say he’s probably the most athletic person I’ve met.

Out of the three disciplines of triathlon: swimming, cycling and running, which are the ones you’re best at?

I’d say running and cycling.

You’ve got 30 secs to pack as the world is about to end. What 3 things do you take with you?

Laptop, Red Bull & iPod. Titanium bike or carbon bike?

Carbon.

Do you like rubber?

Don’t mind it...

In long distance triathlons people often simply piss themselves rather than stop – what are your thoughts on this?

I suppose if it’s the difference of winning or losing then piss away!

Have you ever been in a room with a pony and a midget?

At the same time? No. Which is faster: red or black?

Black.

Should carbon be painted or left naked as intended?

Naked as intended.

Would you ever wear a TT aero helmet?

Probably not.

What is the single worst (hardest) training session you’ve done and why?

With Conehead in Manchester. We did circuit training which almost killed me.

Conehead – describe in three words.

Bald, enthusiastic and determined!

■

August 2011

Global

27 Dom nation 51 Magazine

Meet the Member Bopomofo Bopo doesn’t like to mention that his testicles are so large he can’t close his thighs together.

Introducing Gary Holmes aka Bopomondo

Let’s start with your name and any akas.

Gary Holmes, known on the forum as “Bopomofo” or “Bopomondo”.

How old are you (please)?!

41½.

Do you have any family?

Mini-Mofo – 11. Little Miss Mofo – 13.

WAT Officer – 21, probably.

Where are you?

Hampshire-on-sea. The affluent South.

How did you get into tri?

My local fitness club used to run a yearly supersprint (440m, 18k, 5k). At the time I was a self-taught swimmer (about 2k, three times a week) and gym-goer. Running on the treadmill and cycling on the exercise bike were something I did as a warm up before weights.

I distinctly remember two thoughts: “Doing a triathlon would be a cool thing to boast about ”and “How hard can it be?”.

Oh dear.

Did you swim, bike or run previously?

I swam regularly and was pretty good for a self-taught idiot. No competitive background, though. Every other swimmer I meet is apparently an ‘ex-county’ swimmer.

I’m never sure if that means they actually represented their county, or that their junior school was once in the first round of a county competition.

Global

52 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

When and where was your first tri?

Hampshire Tennis & Health Club supersprint. I think that was in 2003. I’ve been furiously spending money ever since.

What does the family think of your triathlon exploits?

“Meh”, mainly. I think my family kind of put up with my silly hobby, but I’m pleased that my kids see sport as a normal part of life.

They’re both excellent swimmers and my son is a promising runner, too. They’ve both done a mini-triathlon which they seemed to enjoy. I can’t wait to take one of them to a race (and probably get beaten).

What has been your greatest triathlon moment to date?

Too many to choose: seeing my kids cross the line in their mini-tri; cheering Team Laws at Windsor; finishing my first HIM; every time I cross the line; every time a friend crosses the line; every time I nail a hill or do a good swim set; every time I meet with my mates for a training session; every laugh, tear, encouraging shout, gasp, wince, hobble, blister and snot-rocket.

It’s all good.

What’s the daftest thing you’ve done in a race so far?

Oh... where to begin? I’ve safety pinned the front of my shirt to the back, tipped Lucozade in my shoes, exploded a gel all over my face – all the usuals. My most embarrassing moment involved a terrifying bout of flatulence without realising there was a lady running right behind me.

Biggest ‘kick myself for being a fool’ moment was definitely going out with a dodgy zip on my toolkit in the Swashbuckler this year.

The resulting toolkit explosion and Benny Hill style running up and down the road collecting bits was bad enough, but I then had to find places to store it all.

I actually went out on the run with an inner tube and a puncture repair kit still stuffed down my tri-suit... just in case I blew a trainer, I guess. Happily, it being the New Forest, you can easily dispose of your unwanted inner tube by feeding it to a badger or a pony.

(OK, I handed it to a mate in the crowd. Now call off the RSPCA.) What is your motivation?

I just have a childish enthusiasm about the whole thing. Not sure why I picked triathlon... maybe because the entry barrier was quite low as I could already swim reasonably well and it sounded like a cool thing to do.

Nowadays, “because it’s there” would fit the bill.

What bike(s) do you have?

Dolan Mythos carbon frame, Ultegra components, carbon Fast-Forwards seatpost, Profile/Bonty front end with Dura-Ace shifters, Mavic Aksium wheels. Mavic Cosmic Carbone race wheels, although I haven’t taken them off since I bought them... yummy.

I’ve also got a Halford’s Carrera Valour thingy.

I put some P-X carbon forks on to reduce the battering from the front end when I used to ride it. Now it languishes unloved in the corner of the garage, strapped to a barely used turd-o-strainer.

And your dream bike?

I could see myself joining the Speed Concept fan club... but, to be honest, my current bike is far better than I deserve and far better than I ever thought I’d own.

How often do you train, and do you follow a proper training plan?

Training? What kind of question is that, you freak?

I wonder if people think I train more than I actually do. I don’t follow a plan, other than trying to keep things balanced and having a barely recognisable ‘base’ phase and a ‘slightly more effort’ phase.

Even when I was out of work for 6 months – and giving the impression that I was destroying myself on Endomondo – I rarely got above 30 hours a month. I can happily confirm that you can do a sub-6 HIM and a 2:40 OD on 5 hours a week.

My new job means training has dropped right off: I’m either too busy or too knackered to train. Hopefully it is a situation I can fix soon.

What HRM/GPS gadgets have you got?

Endomondo, mainly.

My bike computer is on the way out, which is annoying, as I do rely on the average speed and the cadence.

Our Bop, winner of reddest, sweatiest, finisher at Windsor 2010

enough to survive my sweaty paws or to get caught in the rain while out cycling.

Highly recommended, of course... </end of gratuitous plug> Help a faller or run on by?

Help, definitely, unless somebody better qualified is already helping and I’d be getting in the way. Also, from bitter experience, when somebody says they’re OK... stick around for a bit just to be sure.

Beer or no beer?

Ideally, no beer. Back in the real world... mmm... Duff!

Socks or no socks?

Both. Socks for longer events, a few dabs of ‘glide inside the shoes on the arch and heel for shorter events. I swore I’d never do another race without socks after destroying my feet in some badly fitted trainers. Getting some shoes that fitted properly was a big improvement!

Longer or faster?

I sway between the two. I had decided that this year would be the year that I’d go faster at Windsor. However, life got in the way and I ended up entering Swashbuckler HIM and doing my usual plod.

I don’t use HRM. I could pretend by putting a sticker on my watch reading ‘Slow down, you fat old fool’. Other than that, I can sweat large quantities of acid and all my sphincter muscles are precisely calibrated to let go as I cross the line.

Going longer (up to HIM) requires less application than going faster over OD. Going fast is murderously difficult as it becomes a long sprint. Ironman isn’t something I can contemplate at the moment. I simply don’t have time to attempt the training, at least not without mucking up my home life.

Any other kit you love?

I blagged a Motorola Defy from work – a mobile phone which has toughened glass and is basically waterproof. Good

In my position, aiming my training at a halfreasonable OD time works well. It gives me the option of stretching out for a slow HIM or speeding up for a sprint.

Blonde or brunette?

I’m more of a brunette, with some grey highlights and a forehead that goes all the way to the back of my head. Is that what you mean?

Train alone or with others?

Both. I tend to train harder when I’m with my friends, particularly on things like running hill repeats. Open water swimming is always a group activity, naturally.

Longer runs and bike rides tend to be solo affairs as I need to go at my own pace rather than stop/start, apart from the occasional ‘Sunday Social’ bike ride, of course.

Sometimes I like to train with others in the pool as a motivator, but if I’m doing a long painful session then I just want everybody to get out of my way and let me get on with it. 50 x 100m is best done alone, for example.

Anything else you’d like to tell us about?

Well, I do get frustrated by my lack of training and consequent poor results, but I try to remind myself that I’m a busy and overweight middle-aged man with responsibilities outside of running around in a lycra leotard emblazoned with butterflies and hibiscus.

The fact that I’m able to grab my kit and just go out for a 10km run, or a 3km swim, or a 50km bike without even thinking twice is something I’m smugly pleased about.

I know we’re a rag-tag bunch of middle/ back of pack numpties, but we’re off our backsides, off the sofa and we’re out there doing it.

We should all be proud of ourselves. 

August 2011

Global

Dom nation Magazine

53

It took BlinkyBaz a little while to be drawn to the darkside from 220, but heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the BCTTT family now.

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re delighted to have him with us, but it does mean that the clusterfairy has a new friend, and she was busy when he raced at IM70.3. Here is his clustertastic race report.

WIMBLEBALLS-UP

Global

54 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

IRONMAN UK70.3 2011

The weather forecast was not looking good for the weekend and the camping field was quickly becoming a quagmire. I didn’t mind that so much as my van was parked up and I had pitched my tent. It was more of a worry for race day, though!

I registered and got my race band, swim hat, sticky numbers, bib number and Ironman duffel bag. I left the expo tent not really knowing what the waiver was that I had signed and not clear on anything much really. I had a scout around the expo and drank my fill of Gatorade (it was free). I even walked around transition as the gates had not been put up and promptly got thrown out by a nice marshal who then explained the layout and what was going to happen on race day.

That put my mind somewhat at rest about some things – I still had loads of things I wanted to ask but he was a busy man. I set off to look at the lake and see what the swim route would be – it looked a lot bigger than I thought it would. Cue a knee wobble or two.

I wandered back to the expo and had a peek in the TriUK tent to see

what bargains could be had. There weren’t very many really, but there were a few bikes cheaper then RRP and loads of Ironman trisuits at half price. Nice kit, but I can’t bring myself to wear one as I know I am not one.

I had another walk around the stands and expo before going back to the camper and tent for a sort through my transition kit/stuff (just to keep my mind from the race). I met JoddyBear, Cpt333, Tricheezer and two of my friends who aren’t BCTTT-ers for a spot of supper. I then headed off to the Raleghs Cross for gammon and chips with a cheeky fried egg. Not pure race food I know, but it went down well and the pint of beer wasn’t the best choice either, but tasted good. I went to sleep that night with all sorts of fear and excitement about the race.

Saturday morning I woke up early, racked the bike and hung the bags on the necessary pegs. Not the nicest weather again, but at least it was not as wet as previously, and the forecast was looking a bit brighter for race day. Never having had to rack a bike and kit bags like this before I had to check, double check and do it again.

I found my numbered spot in transition and put in the bike and covered him up with an Ironman 70.3 bike cover I had been given (everyone had done the same – it was a sea of white covers). I then found my peg for my bike to run bag and then my blue swim to bike bag in the right spot (which I did and Dave can vouch for me! This will be clearer later). Did I mention I met Dave in the bike area? Well I did and we had a good chat about red Kev and what the new bike should be called. No decision made but I am sure it will be soon.

What a nice guy Dave is. Really good to finally meet him.

Once all the bags were hung up and the bike racked it was time to chill out and get some R and R time before the next day’s early start.

Right: Supreme Grand-Master JoddyBear crosses the line, while keeping his hands to himself for once.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 55 Magazine

WIMBLEBALLS-UP

I met the BCTTT-ers for a trip to the mandatory briefing, where I also met Combatdwarf (Iain). Getting to the tent it dawned on me how many people had entered this race. It was packed (and I am not talking about a 6-man dome tent). We got some seats right at the back and listened in to hear the details. Any first timers?

Loads of hands. Anyone not ridden the bike route yet? Just Flavadave’s hand went up with JoddyBear declaring a cluster was on the cards. The rest of the details were things like keep safe on the roads, don’t be an idiot and so on.

Until they said no overtaking down the big hill. WTF? That’s the best place to overtake! Oh well, it’s not like I would gain much time from overtaking on the hill, I suppose. The briefing ended and we dispersed to our tents and where ever other people went.

My wife turned up at around 8 pm and settled me down a bit (I was just a touch anxious, but not highly strung). I had a really bad night’s sleep that night, though – I kept waking up.

It’s a 5 am start to get to transition and check on the bike tyres and dry kit for after the race.

That done I was on schedule for getting to the race start with only a couple of things left to do: get to the toilet, before putting on the wetsuit.

Predictably, the queue for the toilets was endless. I started to wonder if

it was worth staying to use them or just get my wetsuit on and deal with it after the swim. I went for the stay and do it option and I am glad I did. Back to the tent to put the wetsuit on and off to the race start.

I had just enough time to pop my hearing aids into my bike bag and put my swim hat on (hmmm swim hat, now where did I put that?).

Above: The IM70.3 washing machine in full effect.

Opposite (top): Entering transition with his beloved Argon.

Opposite (bottom): Enjoying the legendary hills of the bike course.

Global

56 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

IRONMAN UK70.3 2011

This meant a quick sprint to the registration tent for a new swim hat, which was hard to get (the phrase blood from a stone comes to mind), but they gave me one eventually. I ran back to the line-up for the walk to the lake.

To get the whole experience I started slap bang in the middle of it all and I gave as good as I got. I left the water in 38 minutes and felt really good, not out of breath at all.

I wanted 34 minutes but was happy with how it had gone.

On the way there was a photocall from a friend, when suddenly someone pinched my bum! Hello Mr JoddyBear! Nice to see his calm face as it settled me a bit (and his gentle hand... Ed).

A quick walk to transition and BANG! The BCTTT cluster begins.

Where is my bag? I left it on my peg but it wasn’t there! I went over and asked a marshal who asked me if I had checked around, but I had checked everywhere and not found my bag. He then got the head marshal and the conversation went round in circles.

The swim start – well, oh my God! I have never swum an open water race before so hadn’t experienced the ruck or maul that happens. I can’t quite put it into words but it’s mental.

Eventually Dave appeared, and overheard the marshal asking me

whether I’m sure I put the bag in the right place. Dave looked at him and said “Yes, mate, he did.”

Thanks Dave. I might have punched him if he’d kept not believing me!

After about ten minutes my bag turned up with everything still there, so it was a quick change and finally out on the bike!

I was doing really well and keeping up with all the Harry Potter crew (guys and gals with aero helmets), until we got to the first hill.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 57 Magazine

WIMBLEBALLS-UP

A couple of people stopped and helped me up asking all sorts of questions. I just kept saying I was OK – nothing broken, but apparently I looked like I could kill.

I walked (limped) the bike up the hill and a guy walking came over and took my bike. I sat down for 15 minutes at the top of the hill and tried to get my knee to bend. It started to move slowly which was promising.

I wanted to drop out and lick my wounds but I couldn’t waste 10 months of training and £1,200 of sponsorship money, so I got back on the Argon and off I went sucking in the pain.

Halfway up ahead a pointy headed wizard missed a gear, his chain came off and sure enough, down goes Blinky, aero boy and the guy next to me. I did the most stupid thing I could, unclipping my foot on the side I was falling and took the impact right on my knee cap.

Let me tell you it wasn’t the bark missing or the loss of pride from hitting the deck that hurt the most – it was my knee cap screaming ouch!

Above: For a man that hates running he looks too cheerful.

Right: Despite the inevitable BCTTT crash and burn, Baz makes it across the line intact.

Global

58 Dom nation Magazine

August 2011

5 miles later the pain eased a lot and the rest of the bike was OK. I finished it in 4hrs10 which I would have taken even without a crash.

Let’s be clear on one thing before I start: I hate running! The bike to run transition went well, except I forgot to remove my gloves so had to bin them once I’d started running.

OK, so 13.1 miles of boredom to come. I set off, as always, far too fast.

It was nice to see the photographers; that got me running for once, though! I made good steady progress and was picking up some places and taking all the food and drinks I could from the nice marshals at the feed stations. There was a lot to choose from: bananas, gels, Pepsi, water and Gatorade.

So after the first bit of the run, and what felt like a three-course meal, I was in good spirits. I had a really good friend taking photos of me as I went round and he really kept me motivated. Big thanks to Jim Odams.

IRONMAN UK70.3 2011

I finished the run in 2 hours 38 minutes, which is a good time for me as it was a cross country course with a massive hill to climb three times. They never tell you about that!

They just keep barking on about the bike course.

So in conclusion...

I have never done an Ironman event before, and come to think of it, never been that far before. This was my first time racing longer than a sprint distance, and all the sprints have been pool based, so this was quite different!

Name

Barry Williams

Swim

37:47

Cycle

4:13:48

Run

2:28:03

Total Time

7:38:23

Rank

987

Div pos

173

The whole event was good and the atmosphere was excellent.

The guys who did the expo and the presenting really did a good job, even if it was a bit full-on Americanised.

I loved the race, but had some clusters. I think I need to do it again and iron out my issues and try to go under 7 hours. Nice to meet the BCTTT-ers (Chris, Jody, Iain, Dave and Cheryl).

I will be flying the BCTTT trisuit next year!  Baz with his wife, Marina. You can’t see his legs because he’s propped up on a box.

August 2011

Global

Dom nation 59 Magazine

Global

www.bcttt.com

Dom nation Magazine

ISSUE 9 NOVEMBERish 2011 IMCH DIGNITAS DOUBLEHEADER RACE REPORT

2

Global

March 2010 Dom nation Magazine