Global Domination magazine 06

Issue 6 December 2010 www.bcttt.com

Global

www.bcttt.com

Dom nation Magazine

VIENNESE WHIRL

CHEESEBOARD

Jon.E’s final IM at Kärnten

A–Z guide to the BCTTT

WAFER THIN, MINT?

FRAME TRIFLES

Nutritional advice for triathletes

Three-way heresy mash-up takes on frame materials

JUST DESERTS! DESERTS! Conehead’s cactus clusters from IMAZ

Contents ISSUE 6 DECEMBER 2010

Features 21 WAFER THIN, MINT? Tessa (BlurredGirl) has some nutritional advice that you’ll be glad she is telling you after you binged at Christmas.

9 VIENNESE WHIRL Jon.E took on Ironman Austria for the second (and possibly final) time. Here is his race report.

32 CLUB AWARDS Awards winners and photos from the devastation held at the MacDonald Burlington Hotel.

Including the award-winning 80s costumes of Chris and Lee!

58 HERESY: FRAMES Massive three-way mash-up as the club membership final solve that age-old question – Which Frame Material is Best? Bopo, Jibby and Jack fight it out.

8 CLUB CHAMPS 2011 Advance warning of what we are doing and where for the club champs in 2011, so no excuses for not turning up, okay?

6 ROLL OF HONOUR A summary of what the club membership has done this year, and where.

38 ENDOMONDO Before my face imploded Endomondo was totally crippling my training, and there is no reason why everyone else shouldn’t suffer.

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52 CHEESE BOARD Ever wondered what some of the cobblers in the BCTTT is? Well, here is an A-Z of the BCTTT to help explain some of the institutionalised nonsense, courtesy of Bopo.

Regulars 4 REVOLUTIONARY COUNCIL We have a new SGM! All will be revealed in the next issue, when they reveal their manifesto for 2011!

30 MEET THE MEMBER Super-brain Dr Jibby tells us what it is like being a PhD and half ironman.

19 ASK THE FEARTM The Fear takes over the reigns in answering your tri-problems. Be afraid...

49 CARBONDICULOUS Goodies for those who love carbon so much they’d shell some ridiculous amount on a black, plastic guitar.

50 READER’S RIDES Your erstwhile Ed gives you a tour around his Moda.

5 STAT ATTACK Lies, damn lies and statistics make us out to be more freakish than we imagine.

62 DEEP HOLE Some stuff that’s true, some stuff we made up, some stuff we found in the bins.

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39 JUST DESERTS Conehead is a veteran of Ironman, and nas seen both success and failure at the endurance race. In issue 03 he told us how IMFL took him apart mentally, but his race at IMAZ in November was a totally new type of destruction.

Many of us in the club have achieved, or have aspirations to achieve, Ironman success. The challenge of it brings fear and respect. It is that fear of what Ironman distance racing that drives the training hours and dedication, and the desire to cross the line in one piece.

What Darren’s race report reminds us is what racing 226km can do if you aren’t fully prepared. It is a reminder to embrace the fear and maintain the respect.

Thanks: To all contributers to this issue: Conehead, the Fear, MrsC, Bopo, Jibby and Jack, Tessa and Jon.E. Sar for proofing and Vanessa for re-assembling my face. Everyone please cross their fingers for Luce finding a job.

We’ll be well into2011 by the time this goes out and so so many of the Yuletide gags will have to be shelved. The club has had a great 2010 and with any luck a brilliant 2011 to look forward to. Mine can already only improve from a hideous start!

When Didds offered to assemble the Roll of Honour I don’t think he, or I, quite knew how big a task it would be. Turning it into something that tries to capture a sense of the 2010 year seemed even more problematic. I hope that the word-map gives an idea of the diversity of races and the achievements of the club membership.

It might seem like a long way ahead, but the 2011 season starts now for all of us. The hours on the turbo, or running in the dark and cold, are rewarded in the summer with races in the glorious sunshine. We do the hard stuff now so that it is easy on race day.

ED ris

lower-case.media 2011

December 2010

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The BCTTT Revolutionary Council Supreme Grand Master – ???@bcttt.com As announced on the forum, we have a new SGM. We all know who it is, but to pretend there is some suspense we will reveal them, and the manifesto for 2011, in the next issue.

?

Propaganda – danrice@bcttt.com Brothers Rice and Chapman are responsible for interweb domination, using this strange wonder of the modern world – the ‘website’.

The Founder – conehead@bcttt.com Brother Conehead – founder of the BCTTT – has Red Bull flowing through his veins, lives on a secret volcano island and writes bestselling books on triathlon. He can be seen at various races around the world trying to hold onto the Black Bomber.

Scotland – mac@bcttt.com Brother McLean is spreading the BCTTT word north of the border. If it’s Scottish he’s your man.

WAT Executive Officer Mrs Conehead oversees all matters WAT related and membership (inc. fees). Largely responsible for reining in Conehead from outrageous schemes and ideas she should only be contacted in extreme emergencies; otherwise don’t. If she needs to contact you, you can usually feel the hairs standing up on your neck beforehand.

Wales – cate@bcttt.com Sister Moonshine is reponsible for all things Cymru related. If you have any issues, she will wave her magic wand and resolve them.

Political Officer – ian@bcttt.com Brother Castle is responsible for matters concerning common sense, reality checks and the voice of reason. He is also half cyborg with a newly re-constructed knee, although he doesn’t spend his time trapped in a movie franchise being constantly sent back in time to kill someone called ‘John Connor.’

Europe – jen@bcttt.com Sister Jeppsson co-ordinates the global domination plans for Europe from a fjord in Sweden. Or is that Norway? Either way the European states are falling like dominoes under the guidance of the Swedish task-mistress.

Lanzarote – messer@bcttt.com Brother Starcher is fronting up things in the Canary Islands – this provides us with an important strategic foothold off the coast of Africa. Brother Starcher can be found co-ordinating global domination from a volcano of his own.

Dubai – fatstu@bcttt.com Stu can be found trying not to melt while basking in the heat of “tax free-ness”. It’s unknown how much global domination can be done – but the tendrils of the BCTTT reach far and wide.

North West Brother Butler has wrestled control of the North West from the Ex-SGM. Plans for beasting rides in the frozen wastelands of Cheshire are soon to follow.

Yorkshire & Humberside – gavrigg@bcttt.com The white rose county is soon to come under the influence of the BCTTT via Gavin. Whippets, pigeons and Tetley bitter are all manner of things Gav concerns himself with.

West Midlands – gaz@bcttt.com When not dodging cars stolen by 8 year olds in the Telford area, Brother Roberts cultivates and manages the BCTTT domination of the West Midlands. Now free from injury he will be seen conquering all number of triathlons in 2010!

South West – didds@bcttt.com Brother Didds is responsible for triathlon global domination amongst all things cider and farming.

Based in an idylic country house set among rolling fields, and scaring young and old alike as holder of Most Disturbing in Lycra Award, 2009.

London – jellybaby@bcttt.com Brother Jellybaby ensures the nation’s capital is under the BCTTT umbrella of influence. He’s also taken on the mantle of Vice-SGM, for those times when Scotty is out shopping for pink children’s bikes. Challenging the establishment’s Tri-scene we all know everyone will eventually succumb to the BCTTT influence. It’s simply a mattter of time.

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BCTTT VITAL STATISTICS Each issue we draw some stats from the club membership, or reveal the results of a poll vote among the masses. This time we asked: Where did you come from? And, What is Conehead’s new bike going to be?

10

WHAT IS DARREN’S NEW BIKE?

Scaled responses to the 10 options: 1. Spesh Shiv 2. Trek Speedconcept 3. Orbea Ordu 4. Cervelo P4 5. Ridley Dean 6. Felt DA 7. Scott Plasma 8. Cannondale Slice 9. Moda Interval 10. Raleigh Grifter

2

1

3 8 4

5

6

9

7

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

1 2 3

Scaled responses to the 9 options: 1. Injured runner 2. Injured rugby/football player 3. Good at swimming, but not at sports 4. Just miss the RSM shouting at me 5. Working in sports/gym/training and need something to impress the clients 6. Masochist 7. A sport where I can truly hide my inability 8. I am an elite who wandered into the club by mistake 9. I am not a number and cannot be categorised

4 5 6 7 8 9

If Dazza hasn’t got some whizzy Trek then we’ll be surprised, but that’s only because we’re jealous of his shiny bike...

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Kilomathon RunningMad

Bopomofo

Bopomofo 5k Stubbington

Riot OTHER BUPA Runner RUN London

MD6

Round Isle of Wight Chara Jamie Ashford and District Challenge

10k

Boutique RunningMad

Winchester

Jibby

Ultra 50km

Berlin

Moonshine

AndyB

Cardiff

Ciren

Birmingh Hussler W

HALF M

RunningMad

MARATHON MD6

Hussler Blackpool

10mi

Pembroke Coastal

Pride Bath ris London RunningMad

Braml

Castle Challe Combe Jibby

Dublin RunningMad Rutland Mermy Riga Water 他-IRONMAN MarshMan MD6

Swa

SUPER Three Spires Jon.E Aust 70.3 Rhino SPRINT Willy_77 Barton

Rother Valley HSBC

RunningMad

Didds Chappers

WannabeTri

Little Sprint Emergency Wood

Cotswold Crewkerne Treesurgeon CatB Services Duston Iadama National Relays Maltese MickWood East Ben Laws Mermy Jellybaby

Leake

An 70

Dorney RunningMad Apnoea Cotswold Team Big Cow Leeds Jibby Xtramile Bristol AndyM Bopomofo Winchester Bedford Win Birdym Harbourside Southampton Moonshine Cardiff

ris

Didds Rother Valley

SPRINT

Jamie

Marlow River SevenOaks Seaside Mad March Triathlon Taunton Dean Dorney Birdyman Joddybear

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6 Dom nation December 2010 Magazine

Langport

Orca

Dern

Kentish Killer 100km

SHE Bristol

RunningMad Joddybear Tour of the Weald MD6 DUATHLON Rempton Didds Outlon Hussler Roast Hussler Park winter series Tour of Britain ncester XC Ballbuster calne waterland lake32 Didds Pro stage 2 ham Tunbridge Wells

ley

SPORTIVE

ile

Wolverhampton

Birdyman

AQUATHLON

Dorney3.8km

LONGSWIM Moonshine Conehead MARATHON Cranleigh

Llanelli

Jibby

Bournemouth 3.8km

Box End 3.8km Joddybear y Bopomofo Beaver IMUK ashbuckler Albinolock Seasider71 Outlaw

enge Barcelona

Hussler

Shadowone1

tria Jellybaby Team Laws James IRONMAN 3 Didds CowMan Conehead Kona Jellybaby MD6 Joddybear Chappers RocketRon 70.3 e Ewan IMCH

HALF-IRONMAN

CombatDwarf er Moonshine AndyM Vitruvian WannabeTri IMFL ntwerp Bournemouth Weymouth Conehead 0.3 Bedford Bopomofo New m Laws Jibby Joddybear Forest Allerthorpe Jon.E IMAZ ndsor OLYMPIC Jack Hughes IM Austria

dy

man

MickWood

North Norfolk Barton AndyM er71 Moonshine ris Marina Wetherby

ne Valley

Ripon

Little Beaver

DamBuster

BCTTT Roll of Honour 2010 December 2010

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BCTTT Club Championship

2011 NATIONAL CLUB RELAY CHAMPS NOTTINGHAM, 27–28 AUGUST ORGANISED BY ONE STEP BEYOND

HOLME PIERREPONT, NEAR NOTTINGHAM. TEAMS OF RACING EACH DISCIPLINE IN RELAY (4x500m SWIM FOLLOWED BY 4x15km BIKE AND FINALLY, 4x5km RUN).

SATURDAY 27TH AUGUST WOMENS/MIXED TEAMS SUNDAY 28TH AUGUST GENTLEMANS TEAMS CAMPING/BBQ/CARNAGE AVAILABLE OVERNIGHT TO SET UP OR JOIN A 4-PERSON TEAM ADD YOURSELF TO THE THREAD IN THE EVENTS FORUM: tinyurl.com/bcttt2011 TEAMS £160 FOR 4.

PERFORMANCE AT THESE RACES WILL BE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT AT THE 2011 CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP AWARDS. FANCY DRESS DEFINITELY AN OPTION...

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GOODNIGHT * VIENNA Jon.E is a multiple Ironman finisher, but for his final(ish) Ironman experience, he travelled to Austria to take on the Kärnten course for the second time.

* Race not actually in Vienna, but what else has Austria got? Last century it gave us Schwartzenegger and Hitler, so short of some Mozart gags I’ve got nothing. NOTHING. Global

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GOODNIGHT VIENNA

Preamble, or the boring bit of how I got there.

After numerous attempts at the Ironman distance, some of which were successful and others not, my knees and I had a serious discussion and concluded that it could be time to call it a day at long course endurance races.

Countless marathons, fell races and IMs had taken their toll and running was just not funny anymore. It was no longer recovery sessions, but more of rehabillitation sessions. I do not like to be told when to stop, though. It would be done on my terms, not the consultants’, podiatrist’s or by someone at work.

I decided that my final go would be at Austria, a good course suited to my inability. It is well organised in a terrific country with helpful people. Entry to the event was via the 70.3 race at St. Poelten, which provided all finishers with a voucher code gaining automatic entry to the following year’s IM. Soon the IM corporation had a large wad of my euros in their sticky mitts.

Dealing with injuries lends my training philosophy to be that one should turn up at the start line fit to finish not just fit to start. Running did produce a problem so about 80% of the training would be bike orientated. It would be a long day at the office but for me Ironman is triathlon. Any swim, bike, run is a triathlon, but for me personally it is the iron distance which has a magic about it.

GETTING THERE Life has few bonuses, but working at the local airport did get me a few to make the journey easier. We had decided to travel on the Friday before the race and then register and rack/brief all in one go on the Saturday. Caroline and I duly turned up at the airport accompanied with the usual bags of tri kit about 45 mins prior to the flight (late check in first bonus of the journey). I was asked the usual questions at check-in; ’’These your bags? Pack them yourself? Any electrical items? Any thing you might want to declare?’’

Followed by the answers; ’’Yes, yes, yes, a number of CO2 cannisters.’’

“What are they?’’ asks the check-in lady, “Can I see one, because the airline will not take them.”

So I start to unpack the bike case, whilst she speaks on the phone to her supervisor. I produce the offending article and ask “What did the supervisor say?”

She replies in a sheepish manner: “She said that I should ask Caroline, as she apparently used to train the staff regarding the carriage of dangerous goods, and that they are ok with the cannisters.”

“I decided that my final go would be at Austria, a good course suited to my inability.”

The bags were repacked and given priority status (bonus number two).

Caroline went off to chat with her old colleagues whilst I trundled off to throw my bag down the out of gauge bag check, and then off to get a magazine from the shop where by I bumped into the Captain and his copilot. A quick laugh and joke and I get to travel up front with the boys (bonus number three). Caroline gets the extra room for the flight and chats with more people she used to work with.

Since 9/11 the chance of sitting up front has sadly diminshed but I never get bored of it, despite being able to fly myself (I have few talents). Flying up front in various planes, civil, military, etc. is still a great experience. Flight time was spent chatting about the job and the upcoming race. If anyone is interested and happens to find themselves sitting up front without any other competent adults due to an incident, which seems to happen quite a lot at the movies then a good button to find is the TOGA button.

Jon enjoying his favourite of the disciplines.

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IRONMAN AUSTRIA 2010

Once landed in Vienna we got the bags quickly due to priority status and went off to the car hire (bonus number four).

We get a huge reduction in car hire due to staff rates; IM racing is costly enough so any discounts are a godsend. We found the car, packed the bags in and then returned to the car hire desk as somewhere between there and the car the car park ticket hadvanished – I never did find it.

Driving in Austria is relaxing; the trip from Vienna to Klagenfurt takes about three and a half hours and goes through nice scenic country. Nobody hassling you as you try to decide what speed the road legal limit is. The GPS saying one thing, the road signs another and everyone else doing something completely different. And relax.

We stayed in a small B&B about five miles outside the city. If anyone does decide to race at IMAT then book your accommodation early if you want a hotel near the race start. I suggest booking as soon as your race entry is accepted. We chose to drive that bit further and the cost for the 3 nights was less than for one at a city hotel.

“...an hour late for the briefing so we sat in for the Italian one and luckily the powerpoint was all in English.”

Colin (the GPS) got us right to the door of the guesthouse where there was a handwritten note, in both German and English, welcoming us to the village. The owner was not in so it asked we ring the number given. When we did a nice lady apologised for not being there, but if I looked under the plant pot on the window ledge to the left the key was there and she would see us tomorrow.

Obviously a low crime area demonstrated by the bikes in the garden that are left unlocked.

The rooms are clean and tidy, well they were until the bike box was unpacked and the usual tri-mess ensued. The bike was in one piece – no chips, buckled wheels or things missing. I pumped the tyres up and headed off down the village to find a local tavern for food, and soon we are sitting in the evening warmth, eating al fresco and the chap at the next table was Bike Box Alan.

Following morning – a quick bike test to check I have screwed everything together, then breakfast, meet the host and off to the Expo to register. I hand in transition bags, racked the bike and went to the briefing. It’s worth noting that times on the original website were changed and it is worth checking twice. It prevents you walking into the briefing as the announcer says “...and it is this part of the bike course that is a neutral area, with no overtaking. Now any questions?”

I was an hour late for the English briefing so we sat in for the Italian one and luckily the powerpoint was all in English. I was still none the wiser about the neutral

Jon exiting T1, at Barton.

area, but as I was not anticipating overtaking anyone I wasn’t that bothered. Once all the niff naff and trivia was done it was a quick drive of the bike course with a picnic to round off the afternoon.

RACE NIGHT Back at the digs I got my race gear ready with the exception of drinks and things that would be prepared in the morning and set the alarm. I drifted off and sometime later... a siren went off.

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GOODNIGHT VIENNA

My heart rate went statospheric! What the f&^ was going on? My lovely slumber was annihilated and then 60 seconds later it stopped. It turned out to be the fire station next door. I fell back asleep, drifting off and suddenly outside sounded like downtown Basra! Yes, the fireworks were pretty, and the display lasted for a generous half an hour.

Finally back to sleep... the alarm goes off.

Did the siren disturb my good lady wife?

No. Was she worried? No. Her day job is racing around the local town with her blues and twos going.

Once I was up it was a bit of a blur: shower, breakfast, make drinks, put on Union Jack tattoos so that I can be shouted at by the UK contingent, put crap in bag and go to the car. It was a fifteen-minute drive in if there are no queues. A helpful IMAT tip – only park in the designated areas. If you don’t then your car will be towed very quickly.

I speak from experience; they have a designated tow truck on standby and an area set aside at the Expo to drag your car away to. In 2006 it cost us 60 euros and we only left the car for 5 minutes.

The university has plenty of spaces and while you pay for the privilege it was only a ten-minute walk to the Expo centre and easy to find.

PRE START I set off to the transition area to get the bike set up, remove the waterproof cover, pump the tyres and attach gels and drinks. Once done it was into my wetsuit and drop off the post-race

Jon poses in that most flattering of styles from his 2010 summer collection - neoprene and rubber.

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“...the gun goes off, and a stampede of wetsuit clad athletes are running into the water. So much for the deep water start.” clothes before trundling off to the swim start. Just outside the entrance to the start someone calls my name. I look over and see Alistair, one of Grimsby tri club’s long standing members. To look at him you would not think he would be an Ironman, but he was a veteran of Lanza, the Longest Day and Austria IM. He was doing it along with another Grimsbyite and someone from Lincsquad. We chat, wish each other well and go our separate ways.

THE SWIM The swim is a single lap with a deep water start and then the final 800m is

down a canal, which is a novel way to end the swim. Ironman Austria must be the only IM race that starts with a front brawl and ends with a front brawl, giving you twice the opportunity to get struck in the face! A farewell kiss from Caroline, check that the wetsuit is done up and stroll down to the beach. The commentator is giving it what for: “Ironman Austria this, Ironman Austria that...” The pros get to start 20 metres in front of the AGers, probably because we are too rough for them.

The commentator told us “In a couple of minutes the racers will make their way to the water for the deep water start, and then we will start Ironmaaaaaaaaan Auuuuuuustriaaaaaa two thousand and ten!”, to a large cheer from everyone.

“Racers get in the water for the start of Ironmaaaaaan Austriaaaaaa!”So we slowly make our way towards the water... BANG... the gun goes off, and a stampede of wetsuit clad athletes are running into the water. So much for the deep water start – elbows, feet, hands, this is fun and novel, water spray everywhere, feet in the face, elbows in the stomach.

IRONMAN AUSTRIA 2010

At 6’2” and fifteen stone I make an easy target. Finding clear water was not an option; the swim is initially channelled between two piers and then a line of boats keep you confined for a couple of hundred metres.

I follow someone else’s feet, as if I try to sight the swimmer behind will swim over me. My right shoulder injury causes me to drift slowly off, so I am constantly adjusting.The melee continues but there are plenty of feet to follow and when I drift too far right a helpful canoeist points me in the right direction.

The first turn buoy was reached and I am not weaving around too much. Turn left and the attraction of the buoy provides another fist fight for a couple of minutes, and on to a short stretch before turning back to the shore. Around the next buoy and into the rising sun which, despite tinted goggles, was not easy to sight in. Adding to the equation was trying to sight the entrance to the canal. By looking sideways towards the large building at the race start I thought I could judge approximately where the

“...I can see blood dripping down my fingers and my trisuit sporting bloody streaks down it.” canal was. If only I could see the large building. There was a bit of chop on the water but nothing too strong and then, like threading a needle, I was in the canal and had only 800m to the exit.

My hand started to sting, like it had grabbed a bramble or nettle, but I guessed it wasn’t too serious. The canal is shallow and the mud gets churned up quickly. My stinging hand was getting a little distracting and then the feet and arms were flying everywhere again. I knew I should be out in a few minutes and see the blue exit ramp. A quick pull from the helpers and I am out. I look down at my hand and can’t see a thing. I decide that I’ll have a look in transition.

T1 It is only a short run from swim exit to changing tent, grabbing my bag on the way past. I tip the bag’s contents on the floor, take my wetsuit off and stuff it into the bag with my goggles and hat.

I put my helmet, glasses, race belt and shoes on, and grab 500ml of hydration.

A glance at my hand and I can see

blood dripping down my fingers and my trisuit sporting bloody streaks down it. I have a series of five slashes down my hand. I could stem the flow if I kept my hand straight, but if I bent it then the wounds opened up again. I unrack the bike, check everything is still secure, switch on the computer and head to the exit. IM transitions are notoriously long due to the amount of competitors. I go under the gantry, up to the mount line and off.

THE BIKE Austria is a fast two-lap bike course, with some small climbs and two rather steep ones. The initial section follows the lake for a few miles and is fast. It can catch out the inexperienced as you can be encouraged to go quicker than you want and burn out – the initial excitement of starting out on the bike, overtaking the first few cyclists and the warmth of the sun drying your trisuit. It’s good to remember to slow down; there are only another 111 miles to go.

As I settled into an asthmatic rhythm, familiar cyclists would pass, and then fall back. If I passed someone else from the UK I would say a cheery hello and might get a grunt back from the men by reply.

I would usually have a conversation with the female competitors. Some blokes take themselves way too seriously, with their head down, cannot talk, and clearly must conserve energy to win the race.

The familiar cyclists’ names would start to let my mind wander. I would look at their name on their number and play anagrams, or change them slightly.

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GOODNIGHT VIENNA

There was Gustarv, who was changed to custard, making me wonder if there was a rhubarb racing today. He was followed by Evel – was he a doctor or a motorcyclist? Wolfgang went past wearing Speedos. I decided maybe it was best to drop back a little, as it was not a nice sight.

The draftbusters were doing a good job; breaking up packs, warning and then penalising. One group shot past with a cyclist wearing an aero helmet. Used correctly an aero helmet provides an advantage but this chap was pedalling furiously with his head down, pushing the back of his helmet upwards and negating any benefit. For the next 50 miles Mr Spiky Head would be a common sight.

As the morning progressed the temperature rose. The forecast was to be in the mid thirties and the cool breeze that I felt as I left transition had turned into a warm wind as the route turned inland. Once away from the lake the bike route climbs before starting a loop through the local villages. The neutral zone was where the out section met the return section before heading off into the hills. The villages were crammed full of spectators enjoying a drink outside the local cafes or on their front doorsteps. Some families were having BBQs as they watched and cheered. All the road junctions were marshalled by the local police. One officer had settled in for the duration with a table, chair, parasol, radio and drinks.

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The last section of the bike contains the two major climbs of the route. Neither is too difficult. The last one up the Rupitberg has names of competitors painted on the road, to read as you grind your way skywards. The feed station at the top had a local funkmaster churning out europop and a good couple of hundred spectators cheering. You could hear the noise half way up the climb, drawing you on.

Once over the summit there was a sweeping descent with a couple of hairpins. These were marshalled with red flags to warn of the bend. There was then plenty of time to admire the scenery as you spun back to Klagenfurt, and plenty of crowds cheering and clapping. The bike turnaround is just outside the Expo entrance. I managed a quick wave to

Caroline on the way past, and back out along the lake shore.

Just as I was reaching the turnaround with about 800 metres to go, a rider overtakes me and his rear mounted bottle cage falls off. I sped up and told him, or rather played charades with him as we biked along at 25mph.

It turned out his cage had tubes, spanners, etc and all his bike spares.

I carried on as he braked and caused numerous others to brake as he tried to perform a u-turn against the stream of cyclists.

Happy with my split time for the first lap I started out on the second. Same riders, same spectators, same Speedos.

As I climbed towards the hills the clouds grew darker, the temperature

IRONMAN AUSTRIA 2010

“Noah and his boat could have passed me and I wouldn’t have noticed. ” dropped sharply and the wind kicked visciously from the side. Looking up towards the Rupitberg there were lightning flashes in the distance and it started raining. Quickly the roads became awash and the wind became strong enough to force me off the aerobars and to grab the bull horns to stabilise myself. Aero is good apart from the wind.

My Oakleys steamed up and with the rain blasting my lenses visibility was pretty much nil. I shook my glasses to the end of my nose but this just meant that the hailstones could now hit my eyes. Noah and his boat could have passed me and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Despite the storm the crowds were still out by the roads cheering away!

Once over the top I was able to dry my brakes out on the decent, although I took it steadily and rode more defensively. Carbon wheels with cork pads on rain soaked roads generally mean that your brake levers are something that you fiddle with as you approach your accident site. The Tour of the Peaks last October was a fine example of riders expecting more

out of their brakes than was possible.

Personally, I did not want to end up in a tangled mess of carbon, aluminium and tarmac so discretion became the better part of stupidity. During the run I would see a number of racers sporting gravel rash as war wounds.

The return took me slightly longer than expected but at least the rain stopped just outside Klagenfurt. It was good to be onto the flat roads and the city outskirts, before heading back into the cheering crowds of the Expo centre.

114.4 miles down and only another 26.2 to go.

T2 I cruised up to the dismount line, fell off the bike and walked very slowly over the timing mat. I returned my bike to the racks and made my way to the changing tent to pick up my transition bag and contemplate the next part of my day. Sitting on the bench I tipped out my trainers and dry socks when another competitor sat down next to me and started talking. ‘’We do this for fun’’, he says.

I nod and agree, ‘’Getting dry now’’, he says.

I nod and agree. I like my own space, but I try not to appear to be rude. He then had a go at one of the young girls taking the transition bags. He complained about his torn number and wanted to know what she was going to do about it. She apologised and explained that she was not one of the

Enjoying a six hour amble through the city.

athlete helpers and couldn’t help him.

He then continued to shout.

I was hot, tired, cannot stand rudeness and just about to rip into the guy when a senior marshall comes along to placate him. I was now wondering if I could have been the first athlete to be DQ’d for fighting in an Ironman as he was seriously asking for it.

Teeth gritted through the torential rain, Jon reaches the top.

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 15 Magazine

GOODNIGHT VIENNA

I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I put my knee bandages and sun hat on, attached my nutrition belt, and once my dry socks and trainers were on I handed in my bag. A quick smile to the young helper with a gesticulation towards the obnoxious guy caused her to laugh, and I was back out into the bright sunlight.

THE RUN. OR WALK, or crawl Leaving the tent the heat hit me. A light jog around the bike racking led to the timing mat and for me the best part of the race. It was going to be a long day; months before I knew that it would take most of the time to complete the race.

My race strategy was to be out of T2 in a sufficient time for me to shuffle around

the run course, and I had given myself about 9 hours to do it. Simples. Or not.

After about 2 miles my knee bandages were constricting my legs too much and making them uncomfortable. I had initially put them on as a preventative measure, but as my knees swelled they became more of a hinderance than a help, so I quickly sat down to take them off and got back on with the task in hand.

Going slowly around an IM course in the summers heat is actually fantastic.

Some refer to it as a “death march” – a slow stagger to a foreseen conclusion and merely a means to an end. I love the interaction you get with the crowds

“...one kind gentleman offered me a seat and a beer, which I had to politely decline...” and the marshals. As you pass the feed stations a couple of times you get to chat and talk, have a laugh, and that just takes the pain away. I am not going to get a podium finish, a Kona slot or even a PB today, so I tried to just enjoy the slog around the course.

The two-lap route follows the northern shore of the lake, through a public beach and small residential area before looping back to the start. This is about 10km, then out into the city by following the river and back is another 10km. There are aid stations just a couple of kms apart, so nutrition and hydration issues shouldn’t be a problem, provided you use a little common sense. Ironman and common sense could be seen as oxymoronic, or just moronic, though!

Runners overtook me and I overtook walkers, who would usually overtake me back a few minutes later. If there is one bad stretch on the run route it is after about 6km, when you run adjacent to the railway on a dusty pathway. There was no wind and it was a horrible heat trap. Eventually you come to the open parkland again.

Reach for the sky managing more than 5mm off the floor is a real achievement after 13 hours.

Global

Dom nation Magazine

December 2010

IRONMAN AUSTRIA 2010

Running, and I use that term very lightly, through the Expo area the Nirvana guys were cheering all the British competitors as they passed through.

1... 2... 3... 4... why does he have a funny name? 1... 2... 4...19, am I going senile?

Where is my coffee? Mmm, coffee.

Before I knew it there was about 10k to go and there was a vision holding a cup of coffee for me. Such a sweet caress as it slips down my throat. Thank you, and now let’s get it over with.

I met up with Caroline and stopped for a chat not long after the route follows the river into the city. She told me later that she had never seen me look so bad in all the races that she had supported me in, and I make it that she has spent about 9 solid days watching me at races! This is a shed load of time and I am truly thankful to her for all those dedicated hours.

If you happen to be out late on some IM courses the aid stations do get replenished with new nutritional substances. At Austria it is pizza, lovely pizza. Ambling back towards the finish I saw Alistair limping along and I enquired if it was going okay. He had been developing some nice blisters so I offered him some compeed and the biggest plaster I had with me, which was about 3in by 2in. He just said that even that one was not big enough!

Caroline believes that the actual time should be amended to include the following: travel time, race registration, overnight stops, race briefing, prizegiving and other race related incidents, to the grand total of 47 days.

Continuing on, I passed street side cafes, homeowners holding hosepipes and leaving buckets of water to cool yourself with. Entering the city square one kind gentleman offered me a seat and a beer, which I had to politely decline as I would have done it an injustice by throwing it straight back up again. My legs began to cramp occasionally, and my knees gave me a little bit of grief, but I knew I was still on course to finish before the cutoff.

As you round the statue in the city square there was a gantry with a bell suspended over the timing mat. You had the choice of trying to jump and ring it as you passed, which was not as easy as it sounds! On my two attempts I only had one success. Retracing the route I stopped for another chat with Caroline

Winners medal and sense of relief.

and asked if she would be kind enough to buy me a coffee in about 70 mins time, for when I would be passing through again. I accepted that this was outside assistance and I could be DQ’d, but I wanted coffee and you can only take enough so much of the high carb nutrition crap at the aid stations.

The run seemed to be taking forever, but I laughed and joked with the spectators that shouted for me to stop walking and get running. I had tried running for 100 and walking for 100 steps, but you do lose count easily. I lost track of whether I should be running or walking, distracted by my knees hurting.

THE FINISH You need to plan your finish. If you’re in line for a Kona place then you are just sprinting full out, but for the back of the pack amblers like me the key is to milk your 20 secs of fame in the finish chute.

Ideally you want it to yourself and not stuff up someone else’s finishing photo (been there, done that, really sorry). Do not overtake someone after the last timing mat or the commentator will get your name wrong.

The run route divided by the lake, turning left for the finish and right for the second lap. A quick sidestep with the marshalls for a laugh to make it seem I am going for a third lap, (I’m sure

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 17 Magazine

GOODNIGHT VIENNA

they hadn’t seen that one before), and the finish is in sight! I have one runner in front and so I was presented with the quandry – should I slow and let them go or overtake and sprint? Actually, will my legs take a sprint or collapse under me? I chose to run, sweeping gazelle-like, yet sounding like a herd of elephants in the Serengeti.

I crossed the timing mat for my name to appear on the timing gantry and turned into the finishing chute. I can’t collapse now! I wave to the crowds and cheerleaders lining the blue carpet.

I can hear the commentator shouting something about being an “IRONMAN”, and see the video man scrambling to get out of the way. I run up the finishing ramp and jump to touch the timing clock. I did think about a logroll, but I realised I would never have got up again. This was my fourth and last Ironman race completed.

Well, never say never. It felt so good to have the medal around my neck and a drink thrust into my hand.

For those embarking on an Ironman journey, for me the final lyrics to Rush’s Time stand Still are very apt:

Caroline quickly found me and took the post-race photo of a salt stained, saliva covered, man-stink smelling, dehydrated, Ironman! I went off for a quick change, picked up my finishers t-shirt, bike and transition bags and headed off to the car.

My race was done.

Summer’s going fast, nights growing colder, Children growing up, old friends growing older, Freeze this moment a little bit longer, Make each impression a little bit stronger, Experience slips away, The innocence slips away.

I went back to the digs for a shower, changed and got some decent food. The first two were easy but being a Sunday all the foody establishments shut at 9 o’clock. We drove back into the city to find somewhere that still served food.

We could not find a restaurant or café that was open, not even a McDonalds, KFC or Burger King. We finally found a kebab shop – if you plan to finish late make sure you have somewhere to eat afterwards. After eating I felt more than ready to sleep.

I dedicate my Ironman journey to Caroline, who stood and cheered for countless hours in all weather. My parents, who never told me what I should do, but always supported me even if I was out in the hills when I should have been studying. Kendal, our faithful dog and my training partner for over fourteen years.

Thank you, all. 

Name

Race No.

Swim

Cycle

Run

Total Time

JonE

1757

01:16:39

05:42:07

06:26:33

13:39:15

USEFUL CRAP I flew with KLM. Car hire was with Avis.

I stayed at Sonnblick am Worthersee, in Portschach. The race organisers had tied up the timing mats with SMS messaging so your supporters could register their phones and each time you crossed a mat they received a text. This was a great idea as they could keep updated as to your position.

Global

18 Dom nation Magazine

December 2010

Ask The Fear

TM

Nothing destroys race preparation and races quite like The FearTM. It sows doubt in your mind, keeping you awake at night as the race day closes in with endless worries about whether you’ve trained enough. Then, just as you are preparing to leave for the event, it hides your trisuit, goggles and bike shoes. Fresh from a trip to the States, we ask the FearTM to solve your problems.

till s l l i w s m le your propbroblems! be your

This had better be interesting. I’ve got three fat, undertrained triathletes to persecute and a scare a bugger half to death by the end of the week. I’ve also got a nice wetsuit here, hidden under my desk, and I made sure the local trishop is out of gels.

Present and correct Dear Mr Fear, sir

Dear Loving and caring

My husband is a keen triathlete and I want to buy him some carbon triathlon kit for his birthday, but I’m not sure what to get. What do you recommend for a 30something, balding man heading for a midlife crisis and addicted to multisport?

The Fear has a great range of pre-stained underpants for him to wear on his head, and some CO2 that he has no idea how to use, all at reasonable prices.

If you are looking for something extra special, though, then clean out the under-stair cupboard, as it will give him somewhere to wimper and rock himself to sleep with the anguish.

Or, tell him the bathroom needs re-tiling; it should distract him from doing any training.

Loving and caring, the North

Winter blues Dear ba Fear I’ve signed up for an Ironman race next year and while my generic Ironman plan says I don’t need to start until February I’m already worrying about what training I’ll have to do and how much Christmas pud I ate over Christmas. Any advice to keep me sharp until my training plan starts?

Wrong’un Mr Fear I’m looking to upset and annoy some people for no good reason, perhaps starting with some abusive correspondence and moving on to aggressive posturing and generally being a twunt. I was hoping for some tips on maximising my twattery.

Dr Thickspadge, Glamorgan Dear Spadge

Ironplan, in wilts Dear Ironplan You don’t want to worry about the race; it’s aaaaages away. Totally ages. Put your feet up in front of a warm fire; have a nice beer. Make it two. You shouldn’t skimp on the cake at Christmas and it is cold out. Once it warms up you’ll feel much more like it.

The Fear thinks you are doing excellent work.

Well done.

You’re in the wrong place, pal.

This is Fear for triathletes, not amateur hour at the Fist and Rim. Why are you wasting my time, and everyone elses, by writing to me?

In fact, why are you wasting useful breath that could be used training? Not that I condone training, of course. Now cockityoff and fall down a well or something.

The Bomber was on holiday this time, beasting a poor unfortunate in Arizona.

He’ll be back next time, so send your life problems via ed@bcttt.com and we’ll see if he can be arsed.

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 19 Magazine

The Midlands’ Ultimate Bike Store Just starting or just getting back into cycling? We are here to help!

Huge choice of Frames & Bikes Great range of Clothing Parts & Accessories Servicing & Repair Expert help & advice from experienced cyclists Interest Free Credit available

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Lakeside Plaza, Bridgtown, Cannock, WS11 0XE

Telephone: 01922 411180 www.btownbikes.com Global

March 2010 Dom nation Magazine

wafer thin, mint?

Human Nutrition – for People, Triathletes and Other Nutters After the “what are you about to eat thread” inevitably descended into “what the hell should I eat?”, Tessa (aka Blurred Girl), offered to write a piece for the mag on what is or isn’t good for us.

So, want to be healthy, and possibly wafer thin?

Read on.

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 21 13 Magazine

NUTRITION FOR NUTTERS

About Me A few years ago I went along with some neighbours to see their friends take part in a local triathlon.

Wow! All of a sudden I wanted to do that too, but there was stuff in my way. I wasn’t overweight or even desperately unfit (as a commuter cyclist) but had spent far too much time in hospital with a chronic illness that was taking over my life, and restricting my activity way more than I liked.

Wanting to do triathlons made me take my situation a bit more in hand. I did a lot of research, read books, explored a huge number of websites, blogs and forums and started to make some changes to how I ate, managed my day-to-day life and even my general outlook.

Very soon I was off the sofa, training with energy and enjoyment and at the peak of my triathlon career, coming third in my age group at the same local event that had thrilled me into action in the first place.

I’m not qualified and everything that I am sharing with you is based on personal as well as anecdotal experience. However, the change to my life and happiness has been phenomenal, and if my experience and suggestions can improve someone else’s life, then great.

Global

22 Dom nation Magazine

December 2010

If nothing else, it’s all very interesting and quite enlightening even if you don’t feel like actually making changes.

Another thing – this article isn’t meant to help you lose weight or improve your athletic ability, although these might be some of the effects if you adopt the lifestyle. It’s about ways of improving general health and well-being, with no absolute guarantees.

Humans and Food For our ancestors, and still for many people all over the world right now, finding food is totally central to daily life and the types of foods available were (and for many still are) restricted. In symbiosis with these restrictions our ancestors’ metabolisms worked perfectly when eating in a certain way, which still holds true for us now. If we deviate significantly then our metabolisms suffer, and this means our health and well-being suffers. This premise forms the basis of good nutrition and sustained good health.

The human organism is properly sustained by surprisingly few

types of food. These comprise quite simply of vegetables, fruits, legumes, pulses, nuts, seeds, grains and very lean meat. Our ancestors spent most of their time foraging for the non-meat items, which mostly kept them going.

When these food sources ran out, or when the cravings struck (take your pick), they would hunt down animals for food.

Interesting little deviation here.

As cited by Chris McDougall in his book “Born to Run” humans are basically built as endurance runners. We stand upright to get maximum air in the lungs, we sweat all over to cool down, no fur for the same reason, the achilles tendon gives us the spring we need (absent in ‘walking’ animals like pigs and chimps) and there is a special ligament, also missing in walking animals, in our necks that keep our heads still when we run.

Like the Masai still do, our

WAFER THIN, MINT?

Processed versus Whole

ancestors would run in a group, everyone included (it is a fallacy that the women stayed behind in the cave), sometimes for days after fast moving animals like species of deer.

These animals can run fast (and are therefore very lean) but not for long.

The human has the advantage here in that we are generally creatures of endurance and will outlast fast, lean animals eventually. The entire group would then kill and eat the hunted animal on the spot. Why expend energy dragging a large food source back to the dwelling if you’ve been running for days?

This is why we like running distances, and why we like running in groups. It feels right.

Our metabolism also prefers to process very lean meat. Eating fatty meat causes us to lay down our own excess body fat. This creates disturbances and imbalances which make us ill. We know that.

Modern life is bad for us. From the food we eat to the products we use to clean ourselves and our sedentary ways (okay, not us BCTTT idiots), we are not helping ourselves. The need for food remains central to life and it’s been generally proved that the mass production of factoryprocessed foods that satisfy our deepest urges is creating a massive health problem for modern society.

I’m padding things out a bit, but only because the secret to healthy nutrition is so simple. Fresh vegetables, fresh fruits, legumes, pulses, nuts, seeds and grains (and lean meat if you are not vegetarian) are literally all that’s needed to keep us properly nourished and healthy.

The factory-processing of foods notoriously deprives them of much of their original nutritional benefits.

Try to process your own foods – for instance make your own stocks, pastes and sauces. Avoid tinned and packet soups and noodles; making your own takes no time and you can freeze your food and defrost when you want it.

Whole foods are easy to prepare.

Lentils can be softened in stock with herbs and spices and then cooked with vegetables to make excellent stews. Rice noodles in homemade stock with chopped mushrooms make a fantastic lunch.

Snacking on fresh fruits, nuts, and seeds keeps your metabolic rate high and your energy levels consistent, with no need to consume processed foods at all.

There are some highly processed foods that are considered staples in modern society. I would argue that these foods are actually pretty toxic to the human organism and are to be avoided. I’m talking about bread, milk, butter, cheese and sugar among others. Bread and milk in particular are always cited as basic staples, but they often cause many short- and long-term problems.

Wheat, the most common grain used in bread production, is a modern mutant and is not tolerated by a large part of the population, causing digestive disorders.

Bread tends to be full of sugar, salt, fat and complex chemicals. If you absolutely cannot live without bread you could try making your own wraps with rice flour or even experiment with pinole: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinole_(staple)

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 23 Magazine

NUTRITION FOR NUTTERS

Milk and its derivatives (cheese, yoghurt, etc.) also cause shortand long-term problems, usually digestive. Milk is a substance specifically designed to provide the correct nutrients for preweaned mammals. Ours is extracted from bovines that humans have specifically modified by genetics, hormones, and drugs to yield large quantities.

None of this is well-tolerated by an adult human. The nutrients found in milk are very particularly aimed at being right for very young animals.

The nutrients that we think we derive from milk as adult humans can all be found in other, much more digestible and appropriate foods.

Glycaemic Index (GI)

As I understand it, the idea of thinking of foods in terms of where they sit on the glycaemic index arose from those with diabetes needing to regulate blood sugar.

Foods release their energy in different ways. Some foods quickly raise your blood sugar levels, and are considered to be high on the glycaemic index, whereas others will raise them much more slowly and over a longer period of time and are known as low GI. High GI foods provide a quick and short lasting burst of energy, leaving you feeling more tired afterwards and wanting to eat more. This readily available energy is used first before existing energy sources like body fat – so losing weight is harder.

If you want a steady store of consistent energy and want to avoid excess body fat then eating low GI is a no-brainer. This way of eating also chimes with the ancestral needs, with some exceptions. If you want to eat low GI you will generally want to avoid cooked root vegetables as the starches present in hot, cooked potatoes, swedes, turnips etc. are high on the glycaemic index. The website www.glycemicindex.com offers a take on where foods sit on the glycaemic index. Bear in mind though that this can vary according to cultural differences.

Global

18 Dom nation Magazine

December 2010

Amateur athletes tend to think that loading on high GI carbohydrates like pasta the day before an event is a good idea, whereas the opposite may be more beneficial.

What to Eat. What not to Eat

Which brings us to actual foods, and where the article becomes a bit more dictatorial and controversial.

Hope that’s okay. Feel free to take issue on the forum (or feel free to write a reply for the mag. Ed) Eat vegetables, organic if possible, home grown in an ideal world. Try to eat lots of different colours for the variety of different vitamins, and minerals that each colour provides. Substitute high GI potatoes with sweet potatoes and try to steam your vegetables rather than boil, or eat them raw.

Eat fruits, organic if possible. If you want to stick to low GI fruits, then

WAFER THIN, MINT?

eat berries, stone fruits and green apples.

Eat pulses. Red, green and brown lentils and chickpeas are the most fantastic source of protein. In some ways, better than meat as they will be free from the growth hormones, antibiotics and other substances found in meat, and more easily digestible, with the added benefit of a lot of fibre. Forget bread and milk, a human being’s staple should be pulses.

Eat legumes. This term includes lentils and also beans, peas etc.

Broad beans, peas, kidney and soya beans among many others are also a fantastic low GI source of protein, fibre and essential amino acids.

Eat nuts and seeds as snacks, sprinkled on salads or breakfast, or in soups and stews. Make sure seeds are properly chewed or precrushed to get maximum benefit from them – or they will just pass right through... Nuts and seeds will provide essential oils, fatty acids and slow release energy. They are an excellent source of omega 6 and omega 3. If you don’t eat fish or fish oils, then linseeds (aka flaxseeds) are a good alternative for getting your omega 3s.

Refined grains such as white rice and white flour have had much of their fibre and all iron and B vitamins removed as part of an effort to prolong shelf life.

Porridge is the obvious wholegrain superfood... but why am I telling triathletes to eat porridge? There is no better breakfast unless you want to emulate the Mexican Tarahumara as Chris McDougall tried to and have salad for breakfast.

Drink water, herbal tea or rooibos, organic squash, nuun...

Don’t eat bread, particularly shopbought mass produced bread.

As I said earlier, there’s too much rubbish and way too little goodness in bread and the modern complex wheat grain from which most bread is made often interferes with the human organism and causes digestive disturbances.

Don’t eat milk and dairy products.

Milk is not easily metabolised by

weaned adult humans and generally causes digestive problems as well as more long-term and subtle side effects like an increase in mucus production and bloating. Milk is highly processed and also contains hormones, antibiotics and other drugs that have been injected into the dairy cattle. In terms of calcium, the calcium available to weaned adult humans is negligible in milk.

Much more readily digested and easily used calcium can be found in dark green vegetables, sesame seeds, haricot beans, rhubarb, peas, almonds and tofu.

Don’t eat meat. Whoa, controversial.

Okay, if you want to eat very lean, organic fowl, venison, and fish that’s your choice. Red meat and processed meat (ham, bacon, salamis, spam, and sausages) have long been associated with weight gain and, more recently, with a marked increase in cancer risk. On top of all the drugs that our farmed animals are injected with, I don’t consider meat to be a healthy food.

Eat grains. Oats, quinoa, wheat, barley, brown rice are all grains.

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 25 Magazine

NUTRITION FOR NUTTERS

Don’t eat breakfast cereals, the type that comes in a big box with a corporate logo stamped all over it.

There is more nutrition in the box than in the stuff inside. A fantastic episode of Jimmy’s Food Factory (www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/ b00nmt73) recently revealed that cornflakes have actually had all the nutrients removed by the action of taking out the grain kernel before being processed into flakes.

Don’t eat cakes, biscuits, sweets, doughnuts and “fast food” like burgers, pizza, Subway, fried chicken and so on. These are all full of all sorts of badness, not least trans fats and salt which will raise your cholesterol and your blood pressure as well as encouraging the swift formation of body fat, artificial colours, preservatives and sugars which are associated with increased cancer risks. There is very little, if any, true nutrition in any of these food products.

Chocolate. The beige-coloured stuff with silly names isn’t chocolate. This is mostly fat and sugar, with a tiny chocolate content. To satisfy the chocolate need, go for a very high cocoa content, like 70% or even 85%. This is actually good for you as there are a lot of flavanoids in cocoa which soak up toxins.

Don’t drink fizzy drinks like cola etc.

Try to avoid alcohol and caffeine.

This is the hard one for me.

Global

26 Dom nation Magazine

December 2010

Why do We Eat the Bad Stuff?

I have a friend who is overweight, completely sedentary and who enjoys croissants for breakfast every morning. He shakes his head at my athletic endeavours and says, “I’m built for comfort, not for speed.” He’d love to be right, but he’s not. It’s all in his head; it’s all in all of our heads that we would prefer to eat high calorie food and sit on the sofa all day. So why is this, when it clearly makes us ill?

to store energy for the famine days ahead. The problem is, that in the modern western society, there are no famine days and yet many Chris McDougall cites Dr Bramble, “We have a body built for performance, of us continue to load up on the calories, without the moving about, but a brain that’s always looking running and the famine days that for efficiency”. In other words, we our ancestors would have done to are always drawn to calorific foods expend all that energy. because the brain is always looking Motivations for Sticking to Good Nutrition So there’s one motivation just there – we don’t want to become ill. For us amateur athletes we also want lots of energy and the ability to keep going through training and races.

It’s a big shame that culturally some of us have become cynical and mistrusting of good nutrition.

People who eat mostly vegetables, pulses and brown rice are still labelled as “hippies” in a derogatory way or considered to be somehow

WAFER THIN, MINT?

“alternative.” I have also deliberately avoided using the word “diet.” There is nothing more likely to put people off adopting good nutrition than if you call it a diet. This makes it seem unusual, special and difficult, a big deviation from the norm. Whereas for humans this way of eating described here is the norm and the current modern western way of eating is the unusual, special and dangerous one.

Summing Up and Any Other Tips For good general health and well-being eat whole foods, not processed foods and eat traditional

foods, not made-up foods. Stick to low GI foods for steady energy and stable blood glucose levels.

To make this work, you need to teach yourself that this is the way you want to eat and commit 100%. If you tell yourself that this is a “special diet” and that you can occasionally eat “treats” like pizza, burgers and chips then it becomes harder to make the changes.

Finally, there are a couple of wellknown tricks for weight loss that you can add in to this, if you are looking to lose body fat. Firstly, chew your food more. Chewing stimulates the brain to respond with the “feeling full” chemical, If

RECIPES Some cooking tips: cooking without oil makes the dish more flavoursome and less fatty.

Steaming vegetables rather than boiling also makes them taste better. Add salt to taste when the food is on the plate rather than when you are cooking.

Spicy Vegetable Stew 1 shallot 1 clove garlic 1 small cup whole green lentils Handful fresh or frozen peas Handful fresh or frozen soya beans Tin kidney beans Tin chopped tomatoes 1 large sweet potato 1 courgette Handful chopped mushrooms 1 pint vegetable stock Harissa (given to me in France by a friend. You can either source some, make your own, or substitute fresh or dried chillies) Cumin seeds

you eat lots of pulses, seeds, nuts, fresh raw or steamed vegetables etc., you will naturally be chewing your food a lot. Soft, pappy foods like burgers and chips barely require chewing and so the “feeling full” chemical is not released and you are left wanting to eat more.

Secondly, reduce your portion size.

Obvious, but if you swap your plate for a smaller one it becomes a lot easier to eat a bit less and you can also trick your brain into thinking it’s had a normal sized meal.

I hope this has helped some of you.

Please feel free to respond, question, agree or rip to shreds. 

Spicy Pumpkin Soup

Here are a couple of recipes to get you going.

Enjoy!

Tessa Meijer AKA Blurredgirl tmeijermoss@gmail.com

Note: Quantities are guesswork and obviously you can vary to suit. The above made enough for me and my husband for 2 meals each.

Pour about a third of the stock into a wok, saucepan or large frying pan. Add the lentils, chopped shallot, crushed garlic and cumin and cook until the lentils are soft (about 5 mins). Add the chopped vegetables and mushrooms (wash but don’t peel the sweet potato) and cook for another 2–3 mins. Add the peas, beans, tomatoes and a teaspoon of harissa and mix together. Add stock carefully and cook until the sweet potato is soft but not falling apart.

I serve this with brown rice, wholemeal couscous or quinoa.

1 small pumpkin 2 shallots 1 clove garlic 2 small sweet potatoes (or one huge one) 1 teaspoon each: ground garam masala, ground cumin, ground coriander and ground chilli Creamed coconut Chopped parsley Vegetable stock Put the chopped shallots in a large pan with the crushed garlic, chopped sweet potato and peeled and chopped pumpkin.

Add some of the vegetable stock and the spices and cook until the pumpkin is soft (I don’t fry stuff in oil any more – it’s terribly bad for you and makes things taste funny.

Raw olive oil drizzled over salad or pulses is a different matter, but once you heat it up it becomes a nasty, horrible beast).

Add the rest of the stock and use a hand blender to make the soup as smooth or chunky as you want (or bung in a food processor if you have one). Add the creamed coconut to taste and a handful of chopped parsley.

Global

December 2010 Dom nation 27 Magazine

Jody being led to the beer tent by his dear boy. Being given coaching tips by a toddler is pretty demeaning, but Jods needs all the help he can with his running.

In the autumn, a wandering Ewan found himself at the bottom of the legendary Col du Tourmalet. Some time later, and despite the ignomy of being overtaken by a paperboy, he reached the top and the best bowl ofsoup imaginable.

There are bikes and then there are weapons of cycling destruction.

Global

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December 2010

We did a pic like this last year, when it was probably even whiter, colder and icier, but it doesn’t change the fact that any training done in December was a battle against Siberian conditions that would make a polar bear pissed off (too warm for them, I think).

This doesn’t apply to Conehead, who migrates to warmer climes as soon as the temperature dips below 24oC.

And here is what Darren is missing by jetting across the world to top up his headtan. Despite the jolly seaside location this was only a gentle 5k run along the beach for Chris Weeks, with his patented go-faster beard.

December 2010

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Meet the Member James Wilson Introducing James Wilson, aka Jibby.

James proudly shows off his Barca finishers medal

Let’s start with your name and any akas.

James Wilson, aka jibby, Dr Jibbenstein.

would be cheaper than buying a dinghy. How wrong I was.

How old are you (please)?!

Did you swim, bike or run previously?

27.

Southampton, Hampshire.

Umm, I was the fat kid at school so time wise I did a lot of running. Then one morning in my third year of uni I decided to change things and went to the gym. After a couple of months the new pool opened and I started going until I was swimming 120 lengths in the medium lane 7 times a week. When I got bored of that a few years later I took up running, then I got a bit bored of ambling around Southampton Common so I bought a bike.

How did you get into tri?

When and where was your first tri?

Do you have any family?

Jonathan and Vanessa (aka Dad and Mum, fair bit older unsurprisingly), John (23, brother) and Charlotte (21, sister).

Where are you?

I used to sail a lot, then the owner of the boat I crewed on got a share of a new boat so crewing opportunities thinned out. I’d saved a bit of spare cash and thought that taking up triathlon

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Winchester Fast Twitch, April 2009. I’d done a couple of short duathlons in the previous 5 months so had an idea of what was coming, but it hadn’t completely prepared me. It is not

an easy course or distance. Apart from the swim it is about ¾ of an Olympic distance with a fairly undulating run. I still managed to get around in just less than 1 hour 58 minutes so was quite chuffed.

What does the family think of your triathlon exploits?

There is no other half so I’m living tax free at the moment. The family seem to embrace it. My dad also has the triathlon bug; we’ve done some races together. I’ve convinced him to come along to Conehead’s training camp this year and I think he has browsed the forum on a few occasions.

Mum doesn’t seem to mind; she always comes along to the races I do with my Dad to take pictures and hold bags, even if that means getting up at some ungodly hour. My sister quite happily came out to Spain this year for the Half Challenge. She, like my Mum, will be the first to

What bike(s) do you have?

My main bike is a Giant SCR1.5 I got two years ago. It was my first road bike, I got it in the sale for £500 and it is of a spec that would cost double that now. She is Aluminium framed with Tiagra. I think I have only just reached my potential on her, but there is plenty of life left in her yet. Apart from a couple of scratches where the chain slipped she still looks like new.

James recieving the adulation of an adoring crowd.

offer to help with the bags should I ever qualify for Kona.

What has been your greatest triathlon moment to date?

Not only completing the Half Challenge Barcelona, but smashing my expectations on the bike in the process. It was the first time I’d ridden that far and only the second time I’d run further than 20K. I managed 5:18:51, much better than the 6 hours I was aiming for. By any measure I think that is good for a former 140+kg lethargic blob. The other issue was very last minute training due to that pesky thesis getting in the way. Crossing the finish line was a great moment for me.

What’s the daftest thing you’ve done in a race so far?

turned into gravel tracks. The other gadget I have is a Garmin 310XT. That is perhaps one bit of kit I can’t be without.

Any other kit you love?

Aldi running socks. They are the best sports socks I have ever bought, and they were only £2.49 per pair! I even got some excellent compression socks from there for £5.

I’ve also got a Kona Jake cyclocross bike for commuting on, and that will be used for winter training. It has a similar spec to the Giant and was perfect for Tour de France inspired moments on the ride to work. There is also a cheap mountain bike in the cupboard that weighs a ton and rides like a pig. I think I might sell it soon, though.

Help a faller or run on by?

And your dream bike?

Socks or no socks?

I’m going to have to say a Trek Speed Concept 9 running Shimano Di2 with a set of Hed Jet wheels as my ultimate dream bike. But the bike I’m currently dreaming about is the one I’m hoping to get this year. I have my eye on a Cervelo S1; I’m not a fan of the TT position yet and I can’t afford decent carbon, let alone do it justice.

Longer or faster?

Help them if I can; if I can’t then I’ll let them know I am going to get help and carry on to the next marshall.

Beer or no beer?

No beer when I’m training or before races. In fact, I rarely drink anyway.

No socks on the bike, socks on the run. I’ve gone sans socks before and it ended badly. I can still transition in under a minute putting socks on.

I still have both in me. Longer then faster is the goal.

Blonde or brunette?

How often do you train, and do you follow a proper training plan?

I try to train 5–6 times a week, getting in around 8 hours. The weekends are my big days, although with winter comes the Sunday morning sailing series so I can often be tempted out onto the water for a day’s racing. I’ve joined a Masters club so I get beasted for an hour twice a week in that, then I try and get 2–3 runs in and a bike ride each week. Although with winter here I really need to start putting in the hours on the turbo for Ironman next year.

What HRM/GPS gadgets have you got?

I have a Garmin Edge 705 I use on the bike. It is a great bit of kit and has got me out of a number of jams as well as taking me on routes that are completely unsuitable. The first ride I plotted on it took me down some country lanes that

Either would be good right now.

Train alone or with others?

I like training with others, but it is not always practical.

Anything else you’d like to tell us about?

“Every body persists in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed” Newton’s first law. I think it applies nicely to a body in a metaphysical sense as well as a physical sense. We need a force (motivation) applied to us to stop us from doing nothing.

If we forget that motivation we will continue uniformly straight forward. If you remember it you can go far. 

I’m not entirely sure what the daftest thing I’ve done is. I stopped outside a sewage works to have a pee 8K into the run in Barcelona, only to discover there was a portaloo 200m around the corner at the aid station. I found my choice of roadside stopping point slightly ironic.

What is your motivation?

I like to challenge myself. I haven’t found my limitation in terms of mental endurance yet.

Everyone says you learn a lot about yourself doing an Ironman. I want to see what they mean. I’m also a bit vain; I’m still not at the ‘racing’ weight I want to be. Unfortunately I like food (and junk food at that), but I don’t like dieting. Triathlon training helps keep the two in balance.

BCTTT members have been known to impersonate the noble ex-SGM.

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BCTTT Club Championship Awards The club met on 27th November for its annual awards and end of year dinner and lash up. This year it was held at the opulent Birmingham MacDonald Burlington hotel, where we laid waste to the food and then demolished the nearby Reflex

THE WINNERS

nightclub with our moves.

It didn’t stand a chance when faced with a night-club distorting conga and the superb floorwork of the boy Weeks. If the lad puts in half as much effort into his IM training as he does to chasing

skirt then he’ll be at Kona in no time.

Assembled across the next few pages is the roll-call of the mighty for 2010, and some of the few clean pictures from the night.

Massive thanks should go to

MOST DISTURBING IN LYCRA AWARD

RIS

JODDYBEAR

GLOBAL DOMINATION AWARD

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Birmingham,November 2010 James (Jellybaby) for doing the hard graft of organising the night.

It’s a thankless task but we had a great time.

Personal thanks must go to Andy, Cat and Mike’s missus, without whose help I could never have

eaten quite so many desserts.

Along with the Club Awards there were also additional awards handed out that night. Lee (Willy) and Craig (Wannabe) for the supreme effort of their 80s attire, and Darren (Conehead) was

LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY AWARD

JAMES

JACK HUGHES

THE CORKY AWARD

presented with a special gift from the club for the setting up and endless promotionof the BCTTT. Many thanks to Flava and Ben for conceiving and organising that one, and enjoy the wax Mr ExSupreme boss, sir.

CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP AWARDS 2010

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BCTTT Club Championship Awards

THE WINNERS

BRINGING UP THE REAR AWARD

APNOEA

RUNNING MAD I’M NOT DEAD I’M HAVING A REST

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Birmingham,November 2010

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BIKE

DIDDS

MICK WOOD

REMEMBER THE HARE AND TORTOISE

CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP AWARDS2010

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KYLE'S SWIMMING FASTER.

Kyle Leto. Pro triathlete. Oceanside 70.3, U.S.A. 7.02am.

First out of the water in the new Helix—it’s debut race in the U.S.

Image courtesy of Tim Carlson.

www.blueseventy.com

THE WORLD IS SWIMMING FASTER IN BLUESEVENTY.

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Dom nation June 2010 Magazine

cheese board Ever wonder what the endless references to boats and ninja’s are about? Why is it always the glutes that are the problem?

Like most clubs, the BCTTT have a body of the legends, injokes and general stupidity that occurs whenever you get a critical-mass of triathletes together. What puts us on our own is actually owning up to it.

Bopo-the-builder has kindly assembled this handy A-Z to help familiarise the new visitor with some of the apparently nonsensical references and jokes that you’ll find scattered about the forum like so much crap in a field. Which is ironic, as it being crap in the field is pretty much our more hungover race results. Viva Revolution!

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A

ADS (AD Syndrome) A medical condition first diagnosed by the sports scientists of the BCTTT. AD or “Anal Devastation” syndrome usually occurs at an inconvenient moment a short while before the start of a race. There are many factors involved in the precise timing, including the size/distance of the race; how unprepared the athlete is; how much kit has been forgotten; and whether or not you’ve got your wetsuit on already.

Under certain circumstances the occurrence of ADS can be anywhere from 4 weeks before an event up to actually finishing it.

The main symptom is, of course, explosive diarrhoea, but may also be accompanied by stomach cramps, a profound fear of OMPF and also burping up sausages (see Full English).

We tend to abbreviate it to AD or ADS on the forum to keep the search engines away.

Please don’t be tempted to google “Anal Devastation” as you’ll find all manner of non tri-related suggestions. On the other hand, if you were googling for “Anal Devastation” and have arrived here... umm... hello... have you ever considered triathlon?

No? Okay, please wash your hands on the way out.

B

Bicycle Maintenance It’s important that we all know how to maintain our steeds, and for this reason Mike the Bike runs training courses for the BCTTT. There’s loads to learn, so it is best not to turn up knackered and still half-pissed from the night before. Brother flavadave did this, so he only learned half the stuff.

For example, Brother flavadave listened to the half that taught him how to put a crank on; sadly, he failed to listen to the half that taught him how to put it on the right way round. It is entirely possible that this evens up weight distribution but having your crank on the opposite side to your chain and gears, and turning backwards is crap for power transfer. Happily, Dave fixed it and earned the accolade “BCTTT Bike Maintenance Expert.”

Boats They’re big, they’re sometimes moving but often moored, they’re unmissable. Right?

Wrong. During Swashbuckler middle distance triathlon in 2010 one of our esteemed clan distinguished himself by colliding with a stationary Gin Palace. Not just a dinghy, a proper 40 footer. All references to boats, other water-borne obstacles and open-water sighting must include a joke reference to this incident. However, it would be completely embarrassing to the individual concerned to give their name, so no more shall be said. See Bicycle Maintenance.

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Bridges Bridges must be built, then crossed. Simple.

Mrs Conehead will tell you this if you post anything whingy or whiny on the forum.

Don’t make her say it twice, because she won’t. The second time will be whispered in your ear by a Ninja shortly before punishment is administered. Mrs C has the Ninja button close to hand.

Bridgtown Bikes Our headline sponsor and the centre of the cycling universe, Bridgtown Bikes is a place of worship for all members of the BCTTT. We all strive to make pilgrimages there, where proprietor and all-round bike genius Mike the Bike greets us with a cheery smile and priceless advice while somehow persuading us to remortgage the house and blow it all on carbon fibre.

Bridgtown Cona Testa Triathlon Team That’s us. The BCTTT was formed following about a year’s worth of procrastination on the “220 Triathlon” forum, where loads of people were suggesting forming a forum team and asking for the 220 management to get involved etc.

As quick as a flash, bugger all happened.

Then some idiot called Conehead came along, set up a club, registered with the BTF, tortured some poor sod until a website appeared and then blagged a load of member discounts from companies who ought to know better. Result!

Although 220 is our spiritual home it is fair to say that, much like Man Utd supporters the world over, nobody goes home much anymore.

As to the name, Bridgtown Bikes is our major sponsor and it was decided that as a team we needed an Italian sounding name, ‘cos that’s what all professional teams have. ‘Cona Testa’ represents our founder, apparently being Italian for ‘Conehead’, but I still think it means ‘Cone Bollocks’.

It would be a fitting cluster if we had got our own name wrong.

Other tri clubs have slogans to describe their altruistic aims: “To support our local athletic community”, “We appeal to all local triathletes of all abilities” and other such cack. The BCTTT has a simple aim: “Total Global Domination”. Deal with it.

C

Carb-Loading Boosting the body’s stores of intra-muscular sugar in the build up to a race is one of those great excuses that many triathletes use for eating a giant tub of Quality Street every night for a week before a race. Widely discredited as being a waste of good chocolate, the only carb-loading recommendation the BCTTT makes is Fish and Chips.

Incidentally, rather than carb-loading on a per-race basis, why not get your carbloading done in a single session? BCTTT scientists are currently investigating the shocking theory that it is possible to carb-load for an entire season in advance by stuffing your face with pie and beer all winter. More to follow.

Cluster An abbreviated form of the phrase “Cluster F*ck”, believed to originate in RAF slang. As background, a ‘cluster bomb’ is a device that spreads a large number of small bomblets around a target area causing an incredible amount of damage. It can be much more effective than a single bomb.

A ‘Cluster F*ck’ is to f*ck-ups what a cluster bomb is to bombs: a whole series of smaller f*ck-ups causing far more damage than a single big f*ck-up.

The BCTTT doesn’t exactly specialise in clusters; we just acknowledge that they’re part of the sport and when they happen... well, that’s life. Post it on the forum and we’ll all have a laugh.

D

Dr Jibbstein In an almost Ninja-provoking bout of success, our very own Brother Jibby26 sailed straight through his viva to earn a longsought Ph.D, in the process enshrining the BCTTT in the British Library by referring to us in his thesis. Now referred to as Dr Jibbstein, for his Einstein-like braininess, our very own Chair of Pointless Carbon Fibre at the University of Clusters wades in whenever a physics problem arises on the forum, whenever some science is needed, or whenever we need a qualified adult to apply some logic.

Conehead Oh, where to start...

Conehead, sometimes known as Darren Roberts, is our former and original SGM, the founder of the club, our performance coach and the head honcho at Peak Performance Fitness. Conehead runs his empire from Volcano Island but spends most of his time either in Arizona dropping F-Bombs on unsuspecting clients or locked in the cupboard at home. Mrs Conehead lets him think he’s in charge, sometimes.

Cupboard Where Conehead is kept when he’s not in Arizona, Colorado, or loitering somewhere on the West Coast of ‘merka. Conehead disappears overseas at the merest suggestion that UK temperatures will drop below 20 degrees and somehow gets top-class athletes to pay for it. He only returns to the UK for a few weeks every month. This is, of course, very stressful for Mrs Conehead who has to put up with the bald idiot for up to two weeks at a time. For the good of the rest of us she keeps him in the cupboard and only lets him out if a cluster is required somewhere.

Dry Haired Old Lady Usually seen swimming in the fast lane, doing slow breaststroke, going the wrong way and complaining if you make so much as a ripple that will dampen her strawdry hair. The DHOL serves only one useful purpose: by being in the pool, her very presence will deter the Unseen Lurking Horror... unless she’s, say, three lanes away and there’s no one else around... and then... oh just forget it, will you?

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Endomondo He’s a happy, smiling, greenfaced little chap, is Endo. He’ll invite you to his website where you can keep a training log, record your rides and so on. He even helps you by giving you a lovely app you can download to your phone which uses GPS to record your running and cycling and automatically logs them. Your friends can send you ‘pep talk’ messages while you’re out there. Endo is lovely.

Then you discover the challenges: Endo lets you and your friends challenge each other.

Endo knows it will get silly and competitive.

Endo wants you to make up even sillier challenges: Swim 10k in a week, run 50k in a week, run a marathon every week, swim to France and back... it goes on and on and on.

Some will say that it isn’t Endo’s fault. He just eggs us on to challenge each other... But no.

Endo is the cause. If we’d never discovered this web-site then many of the BCTTT would still be able to walk, or lift a cup of coffee.

Endo is evil. He is a grinning, green-faced little bastard and we hate him.

You can hate him too, at www.endomondo. com... One... of... us...

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Fear, The Fear. We all know it, we’ve all felt it at some point in our lives.

But here we’re talking about ‘The Fear’. This is different. You’ll get a minor whiff of it by simply entering a race, preferably a really long one – a slight nervous feeling and a barely perceptible loosening of the lower bowel. To experience it properly enter a long distance race (a bigname Ironman event would be good), then fail to prepare properly.

You’ll end up wondering if you’ve got Irritable Bowel Syndrome combined with some anxiety-related personality disorder.

Don’t worry, it’s just The Fear paying a visit... he’ll go after a while... then come back in the middle of the night.

The Fear, like the Unseen Lurking Horror, occasionally posts on the forum, but usually he’s busy somewhere. There’s always somebody experiencing The Fear.

Fish and Chips The only carb-loading meal approved by the sports nutritionists of the BCTTT is Cod ‘n’ Chips (mushy peas/curry sauce optional but highly recommended). All specialist foods, sports nutrition products and so on will make a few milliseconds difference to a finelytuned and experienced athlete, but will make bugger all difference to an undertrained middle- or back-of-the-pack competitor like most of us lot. Fish and chips is all you need.

Also see Full English.

Full English The sports nutrition scientists working at Volcano Island have announced that the ideal combination of pre-race protein, fats and simple carbs are to be found, surprisingly, in the classic Full English – available from all good domestic fridges and greasy spoon cafes. Don’t argue; just try it. It bloody works.

F-Bomb An advanced weapon, usually deployed

by Conehead. To launch an F-Bomb simply shout the word ‘F*ck’ at anybody nearby.

Collateral damage may occur. There’s a knack to doing it properly, apparently; that’s why we don’t all get paid loads of money for simply dropping F-Bombs on international standard athletes and calling it ‘coaching’, whereas Conehead somehow does.

G

Glutes According to Conehead, glutes are the source of all injuries.

Sore back? Weak glutes.

Sore quads? Weak glutes.

ITB problems? Weak glutes. Earache and runny nose? You need Conehead to drop FBombs on you while instructing you to do butt exercises, which are widely suspected to be only for his pleasure.

H

Hussler A surprisingly versatile short-, medium- and longrange weapon launched on an unsuspecting BCTTT membership by the RAF. In just a few short years Hussler has gone from borderline unfit to being a Team GB athlete and coach of the greatest tri-club in the known (and unknown) universe. If Hussler’s progress continues at the same rate he will compete at the 2012 IM World Champs where he will finish 15 minutes before he starts.

Some people say that Hussler eats the propellant out of ejector seats and doesn’t understand people who slow down up hills. All we know is... we’re glad he’s on our team. Hussler provides group training plans, individual fully-qualified coaching (apply within) and is in advanced training for launching F-Bombs.

M

Mike the Bike Proprietor of Bridgtown Bikes and all round bike genius.

What Mike doesn’t know about bikes doesn’t actually exist, so that’s that. Mike runs training courses for the rest of us where you can learn how to do half a job of fixing your bike.

See Bicycle Maintenance.

The BCTTT scientific team (see Dr Jibbstein) has put forward the theory that it is impossible to pay Mike the Bike a visit without buying something. In the past, this has been anything from a simple stem or set of tyres up to two entire bicycles. Oops.

‘How Triathlon Ruined my Life’ A book, written by Conehead, describing exactly why you shouldn’t go anywhere near a group of people like the BCTTT and how, if you do, it is already too late. Ah well, never mind. This book was actually the best-selling triathlon book on Amazon for a while, until Mrs C stopped Conehead from buying any more copies.

N

Nemesis – or Swim Nemesis We’ve all seen him (or her) at the local pool, endlessly lapping up and down, faster than you are. No matter what time of day or for how long you go the Nemesis will be there, leading you to the inevitable conclusion that they are always at the pool.

First documented by Conehead in the book ‘How Triathlon Ruined my Life’ (available in the ‘Unwanted’ section of all second-rate second-hand book stores) the Nemesis is spooky and un-natural, but unlikely to attack you. See Unseen Lurking Horror.

Ninjas Dispatched by Mrs Conehead for gross violation of club rules (see Podium), violating decency laws (see Ris al-Speedos) or violating the laws of physics (see Hussler) the Ninjas will... well, never mind... just make sure you never find out.

Mrs Conehead “Behind every great man there is a great woman.” And, it turns out that behind a certain bald idiot (see Conehead) there’s the brains behind this entire operation: Mrs C is the ultimate authority at the BCTTT, although she usually only steps in when the incompetence and procrastination have got to levels that irritate her.

In Mrs C’s own words, “I’m sat in a large chair, and on my right side is a large red button.

This dispatches the Ninjas who kidnap and torture you. The large button on the left side makes coffee – don’t confuse me.”

You have been warned.

O

OMPF (Obligatory Mid-Pee Fart) A biological phenomenon which can be a blessing or a curse as it can help to diagnose the future state of your stomach or, more unfortunately, show you exactly what is going wrong. The phrase was first used by Brother Chappers in his IMUK70.3 2010 race report with the phrase “As I gave the obligatory mid-pee fart, I knew I’d have trouble on the run” (showing the OMPF in use as a diagnostic tool).

All reports published on the BCTTT ‘Race Reports’ forum must include a reference to your OMPF.

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P

Podium Don’t find yourself on this, ever (See Ninjas), unless you’re really good and Mrs Conehead has given you a special permit... in which case don’t crow about it. If you want to bang on about how great you are and how everybody else is crap then go to the ‘slowtwitch’ forum where you can say things like “As an average cyclist (46:30 25TT) I used to find training with Lance was a really good workout...” and still keep a straight face.

Tools.

R

Ris al-Speedos A truly horrifying spectacle foisted on an unsuspecting public at the 2010 Club Championships at Barton Marina. In a desperate effort to go faster than ever before, Brother Ris decided to emulate one of triathlon’s greatest competitors, Faris al-Sultan (below, left) – not by training hard, perfecting his technique and diet and so on – but by wearing the top half of a two-piece suit and his Speedos while racing.

For his efforts he was awarded ‘Most disturbing in Lycra, 2010’ at the club awards, and set a worrying precedent.

Fortunately his BTF 3rd party insurance covered the costs of the therapy for the spectators who were traumatised. Spare a thought for those still being treated and, please, won’t somebody think of the children!?

S

SGM (Supreme Grand Master) This is the title awarded to the ruling president of the BCTTT and, by the rules of Global Domination, that person is also President of Triathlon for the entire planet. Nice, eh?

Our first SGM was of course Conehead, who retired to be known as “The Founder.” He was superseded by Brother Albinolock (Scotty) for his heroic efforts in racing on a pink shopping bike wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals. Mrs C then decided that actually she was in charge and has remained so ever since, though she has recently decreed that JoddyBear must pretend that he is the boss.

Every year elections are held for the position. All members are eligible to vote, but must remember that the ballot box is actually a bin. The BCTTT is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship. See Bridge.

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T

Team Laws Unofficial official charity team of the BCTTT. Team Laws (above) is made up of Brother willieverfinish (aka Ben Laws), his amazing son Ironkid (aka Ewan Laws) and his fantastic family.

Ben has decided that all this triathlon nonsense isn’t hard enough, and Ironkid agrees. So Ironkid makes Ben do triathlons while giving him a lift around. Ben has to tow Ewan in a canoe, cycle with him in a trailer, and run with him in a buggy. Ironkid Ewan is pretty good natured about it all, but sometimes gets a bit embarrassed at his Dad’s crap performances.

Most importantly Ben and Ewan are raising a butt load of money for MERU as ‘Team Laws’. They have their own kit, voted ‘Most Camp Tri Kit on the Circuit’ by me, just now, which you can buy so you can join in. Just raise some cash and give them your vocal support as they go flying past you (albeit backwards)!

Treefrog (aka ‘T-Bomb’) Do you have an opinion? Do you perhaps think you’re right? Would you like somebody to tear your opinion up for arse-paper and ram it down your throat? Well, say “Hello” to Treefrog!

Treefrog was recruited to the BCTTT forum

by Conehead, who was concerned that we were all getting along a bit too well and really wanted somebody who’d start a fight.

Treefrog is infamous for his hardline attitude and will cheerfully point out that your bike is crap, your training plan useless, and that you are weak and worthless. And he means it.

Treefrog smashes the living crap out of absolutely everything he does. He is Mr Maximum, Mr 110% and he simply does not understand anybody that doesn’t do the same. When not terrorising the forum he is entering any sporting event he can find, particularly rowing events, where he specialises in identifying the youthful likelywinners and handing them their arses.

If you ever go to a bike TT thinking you are in full fitness and mounted on your precious Carbporn-Fibre Tri bike, only to be humiliated by some old geezer on a 1980 Raleigh Arena, then you have been T-Bombed.

If you need somebody to start a flaming row, if nobody else is left to argue with, and if you can find him... you need the T-Bomb!

Unseen Lurking Horror If you ever find yourself getting a bit twitchy when swimming by yourself in open water – fear of the unknown, adolescent memories of ‘Jaws’, poor visibility making you nervous – then you might be sensing the presence of the Unseen Lurking Horror.

The Unseen Lurking Horror is 50% shark, 25% piranha, 30% giant squid and 40% crocodile and is therefore more than 100% horrifying.

If you also sense the presence of the Unseen Lurking Horror when swimming in a pool then you have a serious psychological disorder. I mean, nobody would be so stupid as to think that just because they’re all alone in the pool then some giant-mouthed unmentionable is going to sneak up behind them, right? OK? So just shut up about it, will you! Especially not somebody who swims 10km+ per week but carelessly revealed on the forum that they’re actually scared of the water... so just leave it, right?

The presence of just one other person in the pool can allay fears of the Unseen Lurking Horror; see Dry-Haired Old Lady.

Unseen Lurking Horror occasionally posts on the forum, but mostly just lurks, unseen and, err, horrifying.

V

Volcano Island All organisations planning global domination need a secret Volcano Island base from which they launch their dastardly plots.

The BCTTT is no exception, so Conehead inhabits his own Volcano Island where he makes plans to take over the world, then promptly forgets what he was doing and mixes a pint of nuun.

Some have speculated that Volcano Island is located near Hawaii, birthplace of longdistance triathlon. Others speculate that it may not be an island at all, but could be a mesa in Arizona (where Conehead spends a suspicious amount of time) or perhaps a secret location in Boulder – training mecca for the world’s triathletes. However, others have put forward the outrageous theory that it might actually be a pleasant semi in Cheshire.

Y

Yellow Card May be awarded by Mrs Conehead as a final warning before Ninjas are dispatched.

There are complex rules that govern when you get a yellow card, which we’ve never bothered to write down. Best not worry about it until it happens. 

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December 2010 Dom nation 43 Magazine

ADVERTORIAL

endomondo Feeling short of motivation? Entered an IM and concerned The FearTM will distract you from actually getting out and training?

Put your worries behind you and join the BCTTT club on endomondo. Share your training, enjoy peptalks from your clubmates and join sensible, achievable, challenges.* Go to endomondo.com and sign up, then look for the BCTTT club and members in the people tab. You can join challenges by being invited by the organiser or looking at your friend’s profiles.

Joining challenges is fun! It also totally skews your priorities and will lead you to run everywhere or swim every day out of some misguided delusion.

This advertorial is not sponsored by endomondo. If I am going to suffer from the peer pressure I want everyone else to as well. It’s not fair that I’m the only one thoughtlessly looking for an excuse to ride somewhere just so I can catch Willy_77 in the “Ride across the UK before Tuesday” challenge.

* Note: Challenges unlikely to be sensible. That “Swim to France and back” one for starters, let alone Ewan’s “Ride around Europe by tea time”. But joining the challenge and watching your little arrow get slightly bigger each week is worth it while the idiots try and break themselves.

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JUST DESERTS 21st November, 2010, and Conehead has a date with Ironman Arizona. Thing is, between flying around the world and shouting “F*ck” at pro athletes, he’s completely neglec rick? Find out...

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JUST DESERTS

21st November 2009, it’s 7pm and I’m furiously tapping away at the active.com registration site. Still hardly over the crushing mental debacle of IMFL I’m there trying to get into IMAZ in 2010. My need for hurting myself is too much to ignore, and with being so familiar with the area this is a race I feel I need to do.

I get in.

It’s no drama – I’ve got months to train for it...

Spin forward one year and I’m in transition in Tempe – it’s pitch black with a chill in the air and foreboding storm clouds fill the already black sky. The weather in the week before the race was perfect– not too hot, no wind – something that would be a great cloudless summer day here in the UK. However, race day arrived with the forecast of a bad desert storm – watching some of the elites swap the discs for deep section rear wheels did nothing for my confidence. In reality, the weather was the least of my problems.

Since entering the race in 2009 my “I have months to train for it” attitude had lasted almost up until the race itself, when I realised I had just one month to go. Some cursory panic training in Arizona did nothing except swell my air miles account.

Top: The 6am AD queue.

Right: Darren practices the post-finish zombiewalk, as perfected at previous IM races.

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turn for the horrific. You just suffer for longer, meaning you have a lot longer to develop problems – as well as the obligitory devil on your shoulder whispering for you to stop, just stop. No one will mind... just pull over...

Sure I’d “trained”, but it was generic training, not bespoke Ironman training. I’d managed some good early showings in TT’s earlier in the year – and my return visit to Kona illicited another boiling to death and being slower than 2009.

So there I was, Sunday morning at 6.30am, pulling on my wetsuit and knowing that this was in all likelihood going to be a fucking awful day of utter pain and suffering.

Of course, all Ironmans are like that – that’s what they’re all about. The difference that training makes is it delays the point at which your world implodes. The more unprepared you are the sooner the day takes a

The thing that struck me about IMAZ (besides the price) was how large the event is. IMFL had around 2,200 starting whereas IMAZ had a few hundred more at 2,500. With double the amount of people than IMUK you know you’re in a “big” race. It attracted a pro field consiting of Rasmus Henning, Timo Bracht, Chris Lieto and Chrissie Wellington to name a few. The one thing you don’t get at home is the opportunity to be in the same race as these people – unless you happen to qualify for Kona. Sure you’re not going to see them in the race per se, but to know they’re there and to see them setting up in transition alongside you certainly adds another dimension.

IRONMAN ARIZONA

Pulling my wetsuit on, I wasn’t struck with The Fear or particularly bad anxiety – my expectations were so low I was just hoping to survive and not DNF. The tannoy told us all to get in the water, which most people seemed reluctant to do as it was freezing for them. As a Brit it was just normal cold and like racing at home. Jumping into the water was certainly brisk, but not freeze the skin off your face cold like the swimathon was a couple of months before at Lakeside. The start was 100m away from the water entry, so I did my tried-and-tested warm up moves (LD rookie day people know the score) and then set up for my patented start at the front move. I swam right up to the start buoy, and as usual 90% of the field opted to stay at the back. It also started raining. In the desert to race, and it’s raining – the irony.

There was then a series of extremely American “fuck yeah!” type things – loud music, lots of shouting on the tannoy and a blast of “Ironman” by Ozzy to get everyone fired up. This certainly did get everyone going, and looking back down Tempe town lake the shores and bridges were 10 deep with people watching and screaming. It was an electric atmosphere. The gun went for the pros and they went like they had motorboats attached to them. That meant just 10 minutes to go for us.

At 7am the gun sounded and off we went – or rather most people did. I have another LD trick which is wait 5 secs before setting off. This might sound strange but when it comes to IM instead of going on the gun, I just float there for 5 secs then set off.

You’d be surprised what a calming effect this has on your soon to be not so calm swim. I’d elected to swim in the thick of it, the shortest route and therefore the most ruthless.

It was what it was; a never-ending aqua ruck of grabbing, kicking and being swam over. I’m ok with this – if I feel someone grabbing my ankles or swimming over me I simply go into 25m sprint mode and literally kick them off. It’s a natural instinct to either stall, or worse stop, when this happens. You have to fight that and try and kick their faces off.

Not very sporting advice, but it’s a big lake and up to them to watch where they’re going. In keeping with my high risk swim route I also went as tight to the turn buoys as possible, the swim equivalent of armageddon.

“The more unprepared you are the sooner the day takes a turn for the horrific. ”

Earning Di2, with some pre-race stretches for Dustin from Shimano

Getting to the first turn I actually took a massive breath and swam under it. A quick glance at the watch showed 34 mins, but once you got back to where the start was it was another 250–300m to the swim exit. Despite the continuous mauling I was in good spirits and felt okay in terms of fitness.

Heading back down Tempe lake, I made a concious effort to keep the pace up and try and negative split back to the start – which I in fact managed getting back to the start line at 1 hr 4 mins.

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December 2010 Dom nation 47 Magazine

JUST DESERTS

Making the final turn into the swim exit I was both relieved and anxious.

Grateful the swim was over, but it meant it was time for the day to really start with the bike and run. It was a bit of a sketch trying to haul yourself out of the water at the steps, but there were plenty of volunteers on hand to help you out.

I almost fell straight back in as I went lightheaded after being horizontal for so long, despite kicking furiously to get blood moving before I got out. Stumbling up the steps I crossed the timing mat in 1 hr 14mins, which I was more than happy with.

Despite the lack of training, this was simply down to the aggressive line I took and starting at the front. As I’d managed to get out in an okay time, the wetsuit “ripping area” was fairly quiet, so I was able to make use of the volunteers. The wetsuit was literally pulled off in secs, but I do like the old kick’n’flick...

Heading to the bike bags I had a string of volunteers shouting my race number down the chain so I was directed straight to my bag. I grabbed the gear and found a clear spot and started getting ready. I’d opted to use the awesome BCTTT yellow cycling top. My Skins bottoms were under my wetsuit, so it was a case of zipping up the top and taking my time. I dried my feet, put talc on and worked my way through my kit.

The club tops are full zip for this very reason, so you can put them on in these situations. The pockets were loaded with smart gels, painkillers and protein bars – I’d rather do this than have everything hanging off the Bomber where it inevitably falls off.

Booted and spurred I headed out to the bike racks to collect the Bomber and head out onto the bike. Passing through the “bike out” I noticed the crowd for the first time – they were going crazy.

“...the storm clouds were closing and it didn’t look pretty. ”

I was at this point in good spirits; the mount line was 50m outside the bike out, and jogging the short distance I came across a US army guy with one leg hopping onto the bike! The mount line was the usual cluster so as per my own instructions I ran 20m past it out of the danger zone before getting on.

And so the 112 miles began.

The bike course was a 3 lap, straightforward 18 mile out and back jobby. The roads are fairly smooth and flat, and had recently been resurfaced so were in excellent condition. Cruising out I was managing 23mph with no real dramas and felt good. My HR was 160bpm, so trying to get that down to 150bpm was a priority.

Above: The Bomber sits in the sun, waiting to bring on the pain.

Opposite: Trasition bags and Bomber waiting to be distributed.

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IRONMAN ARIZONA

Passing the first 10 miles in 26 mins (saw first crash after 5 miles with them being put into an ambulance), and the first 20 mile in 56 mins, I felt good. About a quarter of the way into the first lap the pro men’s leaders came past in the opposite direction (bastards). I got to the turnaround, and, well – fuck me.

A stiff breeze started to blow up. I had got past 25 miles in 1 hr 10 mins (My TT time is 1 hr 3 mins), which was good, but this increasing wind was not. It’s a steady climb to the turnaround then a steady descent of a few % on the way back, but the wind was getting worse. Finishing the first lap in 1 hr 50 mins put me on a 5 hr 30 mins schedule which is what I was aiming for, but the storm clouds were closing and it didn’t look pretty.

Sure enough the storm arrived and the swirling winds started causing

“(I turned) into a full-on headwind, sideways rain and by now a total loss of will to live.” mayhem. Making the turnaround again to head back to Tempe had me at 2 hrs 45 mins for halfway, but the wind by now was horrific and head-on for the next 18 miles.

I also began to enter “The zone” at this stage and so began my steady descent into hell. The Zone is a place usually between miles 60 to 90 on the bike – it’s at this point you start cracking physically and mentally. The less prepared you are the sooner it happens and for me this was 56 miles in. Everything hurt, everything was sore – and the wind was so strong I was having to get out of the saddle and put turns in to keep going – even downhill.

The wind sucked the life out of me and at mile 70 I stopped for the special needs bag. Standing there being battered by the wind, my arms, hands and feet were freezing.

Then the sideways, freezing cold rain began to lash down. Chomping down my emergency Snickers I was already getting sick of gels.

Heading back onto the course I was into a full-on headwind, sideways rain and by now a total loss of will to live. My Ironman race had arrived, and it was all downhill from here – and not in a good way.

Hitting the start of the third lap I was 3 hrs 50 mins into the bike, which meant a 5 hr 30 min bike wasn’t going to happen. I’d now switched focus to getting in under 6 hours, but with the self-loathing piling on, a sharp stabbing pain in my right knee and achilles tendons that felt like they were 2mm long, I wasn’t hopeful. The weather continued to play havoc, being a desert storm meant it was “rotating” around the desert, so every 2 hours the wind and rain storm would lash the place.

With the weather being so nice for so long, the soaking of the glass smooth roads meant they were like ice rinks. Every now and again I’d hear the chilling sound of carbon on tarmac as someone crashed behind me. When the sun came out, the temperature rocketed by 7 degrees, which is a massive jump. Then the cloud would hit and the wind again chilled you to the bone along with being soaked. Heading back out on the last lap I kept trying to lift myself.

I decided to stop for a pee (my only one on the bike) which would also double up as a stretch and a rejigging of the mojo.

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JUST DESERTS

Pulling over by the side of the road by an old drive-in movie place trying to get little cone out of the bib shorts was easier said than done.

My dick had tried to retreat into my throat and was totally numb, pissing was like passing battery acid. Thinking I’d finished I pulled my bib shorts up, only to continue pissing for a few seconds due to the numbness. Getting back on the Bomber I felt like my arse had been used for a party by a rutting boar.

The re-jigging of the mojo failed to happen – there was no escaping the total misery and helplessness I felt.

I couldn’t stop; I had to keep going.

It was like driving a blunt needle through my bollocks – why would

you do this to yourself?

The voices in my head reached new highs as multiple personalities vied for my attention, I was already muttering to myself. I watched the average for the bike drop and drop: 20.5mph, 20.3mph, 20.0mph, 19.9mph.

Things were a blur now, passing people, being passed. I managed a half smile to myself as my Ironman checklist of who overtakes you was ticked off: • Hot chick not wearing much • Fat bloke on steel bike • Bloke with false legs • Octogenarian.

“It was like driving a blunt needle through my bollocks – why would you do this to yourself?”

The wind was blowing me all over the place, and I knew it would be hardest heading back. Sure enough, after the turnaround the swirling, gusting wind was blowing me everywhere. I had absolutely no power or strength in my legs.

Gusts of wind almost brought me to a standstill – it was relentless and there was no hiding from it.

My ‘mo was a constant source of discomfort and distraction. It felt like it was covered in a permanent layer of snot and/or gel. Due to losing it mentally it did seem to go by in a blur and it didn’t seem too long before hitting Tempe again.

However, the euphoria and relief I expected to feel was nowhere to be seen: instead it was an welling up of dread at the impending 26.2 miles on foot. There was the tiniest murmur of relief at being able to go straight into transition, but it was

13 SIS gels into one Nuun bottle

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IRONMAN ARIZONA

barely perceptable. Getting to the dismount line one of the massive army of volunteers took my bike and I jogged to the change tent, grabbing my run bag on the way.

Sitting in the change tent, a wave of relief suddenly hit me. I felt warm (due to not being blasted by wind) and was able to get changed into dry clothes. I absoutely did not rush at all and used the time to really try and get my shit together mentally, as the race was far from over. All the talk in the change tent was of the wind/rain/storm. After what felt like a combination of half an hour and hardly any time at all I headed out of T2 – 7 hrs 45mins was showing on the clock – if I could squeak a sub 5-hr marathon then a 12-hr time was possible. Little did I know that a fate worse than death awaited from mile 13 onwards.

“...I walked for longer and longer periods. The miles were almost comedically long... ”

The aid stations were at totally odd distances, something I would’ve known about had I bothered to read the race info or go to the mandatory briefing, so my plan to run between aid stations went out the window as they weren’t a mile apart. When running I was doing 9 min 30 sec miles, but then I’d walk for far too long. I wasn’t suffering anywhere near as bad as at IMFL and actually felt confident I could go sub 5-hrs for the marathon, a fantasy I was still clinging to by mile 6 despite it taking me 1 hrs 20 mins.

Soon enough though, reality started crashing in as I walked for longer and longer periods. The miles were almost comedically long – it felt like you’d been jogging for 30 mins when it was in fact just 10 mins. You felt like you’d covered 3 miles when it was just one mile.

As it was 3 laps, the boards which displayed the three sets of relevant distances were psychological nuclear bombs. A sign saying “3 miles” followed shortly after by one saying “18 miles” is a constant and painful reminder of how much shit you still have to wade through.

After 6 miles I was lurching from sweating profusely to being freezing cold. I wasn’t sure what it

Darren waits for the scraping up bit.

was a sign of, other than a broad “not good”. I decided I needed to stop for a pee, and while I was struggling with my running shorts at the portaloo I dropped my tube of nuun into the piss/shit stew. Staring at it, I didn’t have the energy to be pissed off. I was past it.

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JUST DESERTS

The sun went down at 5.30pm, meaning a further drop in temperature, and more rain. By now I’d lost total track of time and starting the second lap my race was over; my race had in fact been over in T2. However, I still had 30km to go. I lost the taste for anything; the thought of anything on offer at the aid stations almost brought instant vomit. For the last 10 miles I would have nothing but a few sips of water.

It’s hard to write about those last 10 miles as it’s tough to remember details. I remember the relentless crowd support – it was everywhere.

People would say, “c’mon Darren. You got this!” or “You’ve trained for this, you’ve got this.” At which I’d think, “No I haven’t and I don’t think I have”.

It wasn’t about being negative, just a detached reality where I was waiting to collapse and be scraped up into an ambulance. So I tried to move forward hoping to cross the line before the collapsing/scraping/ ambulance stage.

I was at this point hearing things, talking to myself, convinced I’d gone the wrong way – a whole raft of things that were nonsensical. It was a walking nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from, then in the last 5 miles the vomiting started. Each bout would leave me feeling more and more detached from what was

“I’m sure I looked like I was about to die and similar train wrecks must be passing by...” going on and weaving from side to side. My right abductors started cramping spontaneously and finishing in an ambulance started looking like a real possibility.

Spectators looked on in shock and concern; I’m sure I looked like I was about to die and similar train wrecks must be passing by all the time.

Every aid station had someone at them lying prone in a foil blanket.

Both legs were cramping now and it was becoming more and more difficult to lift my legs up and actually walk.

With one mile to go I could neither talk, see where I was going nor lift my legs higher than 1mm without cramping. Heading up the finishing chute the crowd was so loud but I actually heard nothing. I shuffled through in 1 3hrs 25 mins with the announcer shouting, “Darren Roberts You Are An Ironman!” I absolutely did not give a fuck.Sad to say, but true.

Breakfast the next day - refuelling prostyle.

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I staggered through the line and had to be held up by two people.

Muttering incoherently I was telling them to give me my medal, shirt and cap. Asking me what size t-shirt I was, I told them “Manchester.”

Realising I’d lost it they started to usher me into the medical tent but in the confusion and melee I hobbled off and stumbled my way to transition where my gear was.

A helpful volunteer gave me my dry clothes bag, but I fell over by the Bomber clutching my bag and proceeded to shake uncontrollably in the feotal position. I’m not sure how long I was there for, but at some point I got my phone out and started texting Dawn (my friend’s wife and race support) to come and help me. The texts made no sense and Dawn hadn’t brought the transition tickets with her so she couldn’t get in. But, she’s American and of course bulldozed her way in.

IRONMAN ARIZONA

Writing this now, what is the summary and learning? I’m glad I finished, but it was foolish. Ironman is not to be messed with and bowling up on 6 hours training per week and relying on latent fitness is cavalier at best. It wasn’t the emotional slog of IMFL; instead this was resistance to interrogation training.

By that point I’d somehow managed to get changed, including putting Skins on, and she found me on the floor trying to put on flip-flops, and wrapped me in a foil blanket. She was joined by another AZ mate, Tom, who went and got my bags and after 30 mins and a small bottle of water I managed to get up and we walked to the truck.

Trying to convince me to go to the medical tent I steadfastly refused, saying I could lie down in the truck as well as the medical tent and be on the way back to the house. Falling into the truck I drifted in and out of a delirious sleep which involved me being back out on the marathon – so vivid was the dream I told Dawn to drive through the next aid station.

Like being constantly kicked in the bollocks, there’s only so much you can take before you crack. So it was much more about the battle than Something like the recovery position. the emotional struggle. It was made worse by knowing what was going on. What I mean by that is due to Getting back to the house I drank my profession I knew what was a litre of watered down real happening and the consequences of fruit juice and ate a plate of soft it. Up until the point I totally lost it, of noodles. Tom asked what I wanted course. to do with the transition bags and all my kit. I told him to burn them, I knew you’d all be following me then fell asleep. on the site and it didn’t add any pressure as such, but I guess I hoped The next day I got up and due to you’d all see my suffering and heed falling asleep with Skins on I could it as a warning not to fuck about actually walk. I made myself some with Ironman and only do it with cereal and all things considered your eyes open. felt semi-okay. I wasn’t about to do any squat thrusts, but didn’t feel I was about to die either. A very long hot shower invigorated me and I spent the rest of the day laying down at the house. The day after that I even managed a 60 min spinner on the Hornet, and felt exponentially better.

“...I could neither talk, see where I was going nor lift my legs higher than 1mm...”

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JUST DESERTS

This is my fourth Ironman finish, and having done three before certainly helped mentally – in fact they were probably instrumental in me finishing. I’m also certain I was minutes away from collapsing and finishing the race in an ambulance with a drip and foil blanket as opposed to a nice t-shirt and medal.

So read this for what it is, not some heroic story overcoming Ironman and finishing, but a fool’s adventure that nearly ended in an ambulance in a BCTTT hit-and-hope of hall of fame standards.

As for me, I’m in IMAZ in 2011.

It’s no drama – I’ve got months to train for it.

The Bomber and race kit lie untouched for two days.

Darren Roberts Swim 01:14:06 Pos 830

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Bike 06:02:08 717

Run 05:51:15 1726

December 2010

Overall 13:25:45 1308

carbondiculous Looking for another hobby that you could pimp tri-style? For those who enjoy a relaxing pluck the future is here and it is a Blackburn Rider carbon acoustic guitar.

The Rider features an all-hollow uni-body shell setting it apart from any guitar in the world. That is the body, neck, and head are cast in one piece with the soundboard, fretboard, tuners, etc. added to that main component.

Available in ubiquitous black, with some red inlays for those deserving faster playing power on the Super OM model, this is a sleek but robust axe, ideal for travelling with.

No stairway, though.

Not your usual carbon-fibre bike, but worth a look if your stable is well stocked with TT and road porn. This electric folder might look like a miniPenny Farthing, but it offers a compact fold and is surpisingly stable.

Charging off the mains electricity supply, the YikeBike takes only 40min to recharge and has a top speed of 14mph. It also sports built-in LEDS for brakes and indicators, not that passing motorists will notice those anymore than usual.

It only manages a range of 10km though, so make sure you can get to a regular mains supply! I’m sure the UCI are looking them over for their legality.

YIKEBIKE FOLDING BICYCLE From $3,600

From $1,600

BLACKBURN CARBON ACOUSTIC GUITARS

Each issue we try and bring you information on the thing we covet most and the products that are made out of it – carbon. Being the BCTTT though, it’s carbondiculous!

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December 2010 Dom nation 55 Magazine

Readers Rides Moda Tempo

Fresh from BTown, the Moda sulks in the garden.

Among my many character flaws I have two in particular that I am sure drive my other half to distraction.

The first is my inability to make decisions without great amounts of research and the other is that I have an unerring ability to get into things and find myself in deeper than I could possibly anticipate.

I should have seen it coming in 2006, when I thought that a folding bike might be an interesting purchase, particularly as I could buy it on the CycleScheme, and take the train to work.

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A year later I was wondering if I could extend my commute to 12 miles each way and drop the train altogether. I worked out that another scheme bike would pay for itself if I jacked in the train and then spent two months researching road, cross and hybird bikes before buying a Specialized Allez. I was confident that this would be all the bike I could ever want – I am no cyclist and this was a proper bike with drop handlebars and everything.

Frame: Moda Tempo Chainset: SRAM Force 53/39 Brakes: Tekro R650 Derailleurs: SRAM Rival Cassette: SRAM Rival Shifters: SRAM Rival Wheels: AC Victory 30

Within a couple of months of getting the Spesh I found myself at Highworth Sprint Tri. From that point on I have been a member of the living tri-dead.

I commuted on the Spesh 3–4 days a week. All weathers, all year, I have hooned up and down the A4. I took part in a season of tris and finished off at Highworth again where placed respectably and my bike leg was the exact match of a chap on a beautiful Isaac whose handlebars cost the same as my entire bike!

By now I had cottoned on to the idea that the Spesh’s geometry was total

arse for racing on. The more I rode it the more I wondered what I was missing.

Might I manage to go even quicker if I bought a bike that really was more than I could ever want?

Winter eventually passed and I took a trip to Bridgtown in April to do a little more research. I told Mike that I didn’t have any presumptions on kit, manufacturer or material. What I wanted was a bike that would get as much speed out of me as possible, ideally with a frame and wheels that might last a few years.

He suggested that I consider a higherend aluminium frame rather than a similar priced carbon one, and showed me a Moda Tempo. Ever the one for an impulse buy, I went away and spent two months thinking about it, researching the brand and bike.

This wasn’t easy as Moda are a new brand and have only been in the UK since late 2009. Having spoken to them, some of their outlets and read the brief reviews I could find I liked what I saw.

One person described the Tempo as “not subtle; fast, aggressive and like a mad stallion.” I got Bridgtown to do me a build and this is what I collected in June 2010.

Enjoying the bike outside Holkham Hall, at the North Norfolk tri.

Mike worked his wonders and the bike came kitted in SRAM Rival with a Force chainset, American Classic Victory wheels and show-off red bar tape. For the budget I had it is a superb bike.

the wheels. They are light and run very well. If I’m honest I’m not completely convinced with the Kenda tyres and will ride on Continental GP4000s in 2011 to see if they run better.

It is quick, particularly when climbing. If you poke it then it jumps and wants to tear on ahead. It took me a little while to get used to the gearing (a standard double, rather than the compact on the Spesh) but after a month or so I was happily turning at my usual cadence.

The bike is very compliant and puts you in a nice forward position, meaning every input from pedals and bars is there immediately.

I’m not sure that I was at my sharpest last season on the bike, and I was still chipping time off my regular commute well into October. I’ve now taken three mins off what was a 35 minute (12 mile) commute, and I am sure there is more to come.

The SRAM shifting is a bit firmer and requires a touch more force to work.

Coming from Shimano it feels a little heavier but the gear changes are very positive – there is never a doubt as to whether you have missed a gear.

The best bit of the bike is probably

The real proof of how much the Tempo has changed me as a rider came to light when I brought the Spesh back out of the garage for winter riding. I now finally understand what the relaxed geometry feels like, and how upright and disconnected I feel from the road.

In the middle of December, I am already looking forward to being back on the Tempo in the spring – and the direct, instinctive, kick up the arse it will give me! 

ris

aka the editor

Rival gearing and the crisp Moda livery.

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HERESY We all know the truth is that if you want to go fast you need to spend some enormous sum on a black and red carbon monster, pimped to the max.

But what is the truth?

As before, the

club membership have taken on the challenge of debating what frame material is best – carbon, aluminium or titanium?

Once again, our arbiter is judge and jury in person – Mrs

FRAME MATERIAL

Conehead. What she says goes. If the established wisdom becomes heresy then who is going to risk the ninjas by opposing her?

Bopo, Jibby and Jack state their cases for the best frame material.

THE CASE FOR TITANIUM Man (and woman) have long searched for items that have the essential properties of being both “Stiff” and “Strong”. This is undoubtedly true of bicycle frames, where being “light” is also a factor.

Whether you chose carbon fibre, aluminium or titanium, this is what you are after. I could wax on about the relative merits of each material.

Carbon fibre and titanium are both bi-products of British genius – one being discovered in a mine in Cornwall, the other being first deployed in production by Rolls Royce in the blades of their jet engines. This provided an amazing first demonstration of strength and stiffness, until a load of birds flew in to the engine and promptly broke the blades, causing the company to go bust.

Now, unless you are dim enough to imagine working in a Cornish carbon mine (in which case you are

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Jack Hughes probably already an owner of a carbon fibre frame), you’ll realise that this is still the key snag of things made from carbon fibre.

But, the reality is that a well made frame, whether carbon or ti, is going to be stiff enough and strong enough (except when you drop something on your carbon frame, or overtighten a screw, every-so, ever-so slightly) for you.

Weight might be a factor, if it weren’t for the fact that we are talking grammes.

And, if you are worried about weight, it is far easier to get rid of kilogrammes from around your stomach and thighs, or those 6 bottles of expensive energy drink that you don’t ever use.

What it really comes down to is style.

Cycling is all about style. Not how fast you ride (let’s face it, you’re never going to be good enough to win anything), but just how you ride and what you ride.

This extends from your clothing, your components and, of course, your frame.

And the key factor about style, whether high fashion, where you live, or where you shop, is about exclusivity. It’s about making something your own. Projecting your (undoubtedly fascinating) personality. Making a statement.

Believe me, you are never going to make a statement when you turn up with your identical Cervelo or Specialized carbon frame. You’ll just be another sheep in the flock.

It’s no coincidence that a flock of sheep is a cure for insomnia.

The truth is that carbon, while once exciting, is now the norm.

Mundane and boring. If you want to turn heads and get real grudging respect from your fellow athletes then you need a titanium frame. After all, neither you nor they can actually ride their bikes, so trying to guess how much you’ve spent and being that bit different is what the competition is all about.

THE CASE FOR ALUMINIUM I’m going to start this piece by possibly killing my argument. All three materials can be the “best” materials for bike frames; there are even some other materials that are the “best” material. The “best” material depends on the question you ask. In my opinion aluminium is the sensible answer most of us age groupers should be arriving at.

What defines the best bike frame? Is it strength, stiffness, weight, durability, or price? If one of these is important to you then you will always have to compromise on another.

Aluminium vs. Titanium I’m going to dismiss this one pretty quickly. If you want a titanium frame that justifies a place as the best frame material then you have to spend serious amounts of cash. Aluminium is much easier to weld than titanium meaning frames of equal quality workmanship will have a significantly price difference. The raw material cost is also far higher with titanium. If you want a stiff titanium frame then it is going to be a heavy one; stiffness can be measured by the diameter of the tube and wall thickness. Titanium has a higher modulus than aluminium making it stiffer to start with, but it is also denser meaning to make it the same weight for a given stiffness the walls are too thin and the frame can buckle.

Aluminium vs. Carbon Fibre This is much harder to dismiss. As a material carbon fibre should win hands down. It has one of the best strength to weight ratios possible.

The problem for carbon fibre comes from the way it is integrated to make

Dr Jibby a frame. A fairly bog standard carbon fibre (unidirection) laminate will have a strength to weight ratio about 3 times that of aluminium. Crucially though, that is measured in the direction of the fibre.

If you take the same ratio for the fibre at right angles it is about 6 times less than aluminium as the strength at this angle comes almost entirely from the glue holding everything together. This is why manufacturers have to lay the fibre mats at angles to each other (normally either 60° or 45° to the 0° layer); you don’t see this as they put a bidirectional weave layer on the outside to make everything look pretty. The result is a material that has only twice the strength to weight ratio of aluminium.

Another issue is dents. I dropped my chain at the weekend; it wrote off my front mech and has dented the down tube. Well, it was either that or a big rock from a pot hole, but the end result is a dent and chipped paint. Being a painted aluminium frame I have cleaned the chip to remove oils/grease and used a bit of Airfix black enamel to patch it up. No harm done. A carbon frame would probably have to be replaced. The dent would lead to delamination and probably cracking. A costly problem for a small incident.

This is the second problem to overcome, and while it is easy to solve it is still the cause of many issues. Crucially, designers need to work out what direction and how big the stresses in the frame will be so you can work out how many plys you need and what angles relative to each other they should be. Metal is far simpler in this respect – once you know the forces involved you just solve material properties that are already known and apply at all angles. The next problem is that this fibre-glue laminate doesn’t want to bend; it would much rather fracture instead. Aluminium also does this, but is nowhere near as bad. This means the manufacturers have to design an extra safety margin into the frame to make it even stronger than it needs to be so the amount it wants to bend is very small. This adds further weight.

The final nail in the coffin for carbon fibre in my opinion though is fault tolerance. There are a wide variety of faults that laminates cannot tolerate, in the main, faults that metal frames can tolerate.

Cracks are also a major issue. What starts as a small crack can propagate through the layers and cause major structural weakness in the frame, ultimately leading to its failure.

So aluminium is the best frame material for the average age grouper. Why? Because to get a good titanium or carbon frame you have to spend a lot of money. Aluminium gets bad press as most manufacturers have stopped investing in research on it at mid/high end prices to milk the carbon cashcow. For the same price as the budget carbon frame we can afford (or should only spend on a bike), an aluminium frame will be far better engineered, probably stiffer, stronger, and certainly more resilient to the everyday knocks and bumps we will inflict on it.

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December 2010 Dom nation 59 Magazine

THE CASE FOR CARBON Received wisdom says the best material for building frames is carbon fibre, right? But is it?

And knowing that in defending carbon fibre’s honour I stand against the formidable attention to detail of brother Jack Hughes and the towering scientific knowledge of Dr. Jibbstein, I thought I’d best fill in a little more detail.

Jibby and Jack will take you through the Dark Ages of bike production, where various metals and alloys were arranged in increasingly expensive and improbable tubing shapes to compensate for their inherent weaknesses: weight and a lack of directional strength.

After metal, the next big development was in composite materials. It started with glass reinforced plastic, GRP – very commonly termed fibreglas. It is very cheap to make, but does start to get heavy when you try to re-create the strength of alloys or steel.

Using carbon fibres instead of glass gives a great increase in strength. CFRP is stiffer,

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Bopomondo stronger, lighter and more durable than GRP. Carbon is a bit like aluminium alloy, then. It is strong, light and can be easily fabricated to make large, strong bits of tubing.

of “pre-preg” techniques, where you wrap the manufactured part in a simple vacuum bag and bung it in the oven, have made it far cheaper to produce.

But carbon has another trick up its beautifully woven sleeve – directional strength. By cleverly laying the fibres in certain directions you can add strength, and therefore weight, only where it is needed. This enormous advantage to carbon fibre has seen the creation of delights such as Cervelo’s dominant P3C chassis, designed using knowledge and experience of this directional strength.

Soon we can all have carbon frames. But do we want them?

Well, yes. CF is where the research is, CF is where the development is, CF is part of the future of bike frames – perhaps in its current form, perhaps in some new development such as mixing other materials into the weave. Does my cheap carbon frame have all this technology in it? Well, no, not all of it, but I don’t care. I don’t care because it is carbon fibre and all my cycling heroes use carbon.

Of course, this knowledge and experience come at a high price, and CF has long occupied the highest niche of the market, with heavily sponsored professionals riding bespoke machinery.

But all this is changing. Why? Well, new processes are being invented all the time as manufacturers learn how to mass-produce this wonder material. Gone are the days when CF required the use of an “autoclave” – a very precise temperature and pressure controlled oven – though they are still used in some applications. The mass production of sheets of carbon “weave” and the use

Aluminium alloy, titanium and carbon fibre are all great materials to build a bike out of.

But carbon steps ahead because of two important points. Firstly, that directional strength.

Secondly, the fact that pros use it, the fact that it represents the peak of development and even that “Oh my God will you look at that” visible weave pattern give it a unique property that no metal currently has: desirability.

Mrs C

An unusual heresy this month as it’s a three-way, which in fact makes it more interesting. As you’d expect from the global domination massive there are three detailed and very persuasive arguments. However, given your penchant to covet things you can’t afford, I was surprised at the practicality of the arguments.

Dr Jibby’s defence of aluminium, whilst commendable, is pointless. I was disregarding it as I read it. Having spent the last 6 years suffering through Mr C’s strive for excellence, if there is one thing I have learned it’s aluminium is something you have on your first bike, before moving onto some other exotic material. This demotes the once loved aluminium bike to “training bike” status and leaving it languishing in the garage. Whilst his explanation of other materials fragility were practical, since when did that feature in a triathletes vocabulary?

Titanium on the other hand, is a precious metal. I mean, it doesn’t get more exotic than that does it? To have a bike crafted out of something that is a precious metal is surely a triathletes dream. And Jack at last reaches to the point – style, transition envy. At last we’re getting down to it. But, hang on, the titanium bikes I have seen on my travels with Mr C have been anything but stylish. They all looked like prototype frames, welded together by some mad professor – totally lacking in any apparent aerodynamic thought or design. Instead of a work of art, they look like a piece of “work”. Some sort of project devoid of “art”.

Then finally carbon, left to Bopo who muddles through a combination of technicality and practicality. He stumbles through the argument before finally turning it around. Carbon frames are sculpted into forms and shapes that make them look like they’ve been designed by aliens. They appear designed to slice through the air. As Bopo points out, everyone is going carbon – but this is creating a carbon hierarchy. Is it the ghetto carbon made by 5 year olds in Asia or the carbon exotica emerging from Wisconsin? I want titanium to be it, but carbon frames look like a triathlon bike should, and when in its naked form is there any other material that looks so organic and built for purpose?

THE VERDICT

Carbon frames I imagine to be made by people in a clean room, with white coats, masks and wind tunnels. Aluminium made by some bloke in a White vest who drinks Stella and knocks the missus about, and titanium welded together in a garage by one of the 80 year olds who thrashes Mr C at TT’s.

Really, there can be only one frame material of choice – the one that is sculpted, moulded and designed for one purpose.

In the smallest of ways it becomes a work of art, but at it’s core the impracticality of racing and disproportionate cost associated with it: Carbon.

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December 2010 Dom nation 61 Magazine

D EEP HOLE With global domination comes our contacts that reach the very upper echelons of the sporting industry. One such contact is “Deep Hole’”.

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Every issue we try to bring you the latest gossip and insider info from the world of triathlon.

Being the best triathlon club in the known universe means we have contacts in the very upper echelons of the sport who can give us an exclusive heads up – one such contact is “Deep Hole*”.

Deep Hole travels widely (rumour has it that their airmiles resemble an international telephone number), and as such the stories can be from far and wide. Some of them are closer to home, with unlikely tales from these shores as well as from overseas.

One that has come to our ears that bridges the two is a potential new tri-festival for Cornwall, planned to be similar to the “Wildflower Triathlon” festival held in California. Whether the Cornish event will cover a similar format of gruelling HIM and olympic distances is yet to be seen. Our contact assured us that the organisers are supremely experienced at running large, multi-day triathlons in the UK, so it will be interesting to see what appears later in the year.

We hear that GB athlete Jodie Swallow, fresh (and we use the term advisedly) from her victory at the 70.3 World Championships in Kona, is to join with the triathlon machine at Team TBB. There she will join some of her training partners, including Amy Marsh and Nicola Spirig. Best of luck to her in her forthcoming season!

Four year winners of the 220 best triathlon retailer, TFN, might be unseated in their quest to become a five-times holder. There are rumours that one of their rivals is seeking to rig the award in their favour. How seriously this should be taken is yet to be seen.

*Deep Hole may or may not exist, speak the truth or make things up on the spot.

Nothing Deep Hole says should be believed or repeated or given any credence whatsoever. The BCTTT reserves the right to deny everything and say nothing...

Into the world of wetsuits, we hear that Aquasphere are no longer involved with the Great Swim series in 2011. Whether they will be replaced by another supplier is yet to be seen.

Still with wetsuits, some balding chancer going by the name of Rarren Doberts has been challenged to a sprint race off with blueseventy sales manager Dean Jackson. We’re sure that Dean will wear some shiny Oakleys to prevent the shine from Rarren’s forehead from blinding him. Where and when this will happen is yet to be seen, but when there are pics they will be here.

If Dean is worried that his opponent might start training properly, like some sort of pro, then he could always consider joining the B70-nuun Tri Team. We originally brought first news of this in September, but it seems that the details are starting to appear now we’ve wiped the tea stains off it.

The intention is for ateam containing a mix of around 30 age groupers, from Kona qualifiers to BCTTTlevel back-of-packers. Like everything in tri there is a price, but this one might actually work in the athlete’s favour. Athletes will get all the kit they need (bike, trainers, wettie, trisuits and nutrition) at such a discount that if you were to sell it on at the end of the year you’d make your money back. And that’s before the coaching and other stuff gets taken into account.

Rumour has it that Team B70-nuun will be launched at TCR in February, so expect some news on how to join in the near future.

December 2010

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ISSUE 7 MARCH-ish 2011 READ HOW MISKIN DEFEATED THE IMFL DRAFT-FEST!

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March 2010 Dom nation Magazine