THE HANGOVER by Gavin Mac Leoid Humphreys
Pealaig Farm Dingwall IV15 9TY phone: 0787 32 444 92 e-mail: humphreys@ymail.com
A GIRL, RHONA, 20, IS SINGING TO HERSELF IN A SHOWER IN THE BACKGROUND. A MAN, STEVIE, EARLY 20S, WAKES UP AND GROANS.
STEVIE:
Oh... My head....
Where am I? Whose bed am I in?
(SUDDENLY) I had a hat!
I came back here with....
SINGING IN SHOWER STOPS, AND SHOWER DOOR OPENS.
That must be her in the bathroom - whatever her name was. That's her clothes on the chair – oo la la! I remember her when she... She must've been what? Twenty?
My mouths as dry as cork. Did we sleep together? She sounds happy – hopefully that means I didn't do anything too bad last night.
BED SHEETS GOING BACK
Right. Where's my jacket.. ah! My wallet? There. Forty pence left.
-1-
There was a car, I remember getting into a car... was it a taxi? My phone! No, I never took my phone, it's OK...
Oh... I liked that hat.
OK. How am I going to work out where I am? Big double bed. The flat looks tidy. It's a bloody nice flat actually. (LOYD GROSSMAN IMPRESSION) Who would live in a house like this?
WALKS TO WINDOW. PULLS BACK CURTAIN.
Oooo, too bright!
CURTAIN CLOSES
I don't recognise this area at all. Well, we're still in the city anyway.
BATHROOM DOOR OPENS. RHONA ENTERS AND STARTS GETTING DRESSED.
RHONA:
Good morning! Did I wake you? I hope you don't mind I'm wearing this dressing gown?
STEVIE:
No not at all!
(ASIDE) She is as gorgeous. How did I manage that?
RHONA:
Have you seen my..? Oh, here it is.
-2-
STEVIE:
(ASIDE) She probably wants me to leave.
Do you want me to leave?
RHONA:
What do you mean?
STEVIE:
I just thought... Never mind.
RHONA:
I helped myself to cereal, hope that's ok, Stevie?
STEVIE:
That's fine, I'm not that hungry. You were eating cereal in the...? (STOPPING HIMSELF SHORT) Good time last night?
(ASIDE) (PULLING ON TROUSERS) What was her name?!
Where's my shirt?
RHONA:
Excellent! Mmm, this cereal – nyum, nyum! Come through to the kitchen, I'll make us coffee.
RHONA WALKS AWAY. STEVIE FOLLOWS.
STEVIE:
I need water...
RHONA:
Where is the coffee?
STEVIE:
How would I know?!
RHONA:
You're so funny!
-3-
STEVIE:
Am I? (POURING WATER) Thank goodness – water! (DRINKS) So where is this flat?
RHONA:
(LAUGHS) Well, you seemed to know the way last night when we came here!
STEVIE:
Did I? (TRYING NOT TO SHOW HIMSELF UP) Haha, yeah. So I've been here before?
RHONA:
I certainly hope so! (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
RHONA POURS THE COFFEES
STEVIE:
(ASIDE) I wonder if she knows I don't remember anything.
So, erm...
AKWARD SILENCE. TOASTER POPS UP.
RHONA:
Mmmm toast, nyuma nyuma nyuma!
STEVIE:
I was wondering, if you remember, did you see me with a hat last night..?
BEFORE SHE CAN ANSWER THERE IS A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
(GROAN) That's the last thing I need. My poor head!
KNOCKING. NOONE ANSWERS.
-4-
Stop. I'm dying. (ASIDE) Why's she not answering the door? Is she trying to make me suffer.
KNOCKING
(ASIDE) Who's there? Her boyfriend?
KNOCKING
(ASIDE) Her husband?
RHONA SPREADS TOAST
(ASIDE) My god what have I got myself into?
SILENCE
RHONA:
(LOW) Do you know who that was?
STEVIE:
Who was it?
RHONA:
Sounded like somebody was angry. (LAUGHS)
STEVIE:
(AWKWARD LAUGH) Yeah.
RHONA:
(EATS TOAST) Got yourself in trouble?
STEVIE:
I hope not!
-5-
KNOCKING BEGINS AGAIN. THEY LISTEN, THEN STEVIE PIPES UP.
STEVIE:
(LOW) Well aren't you going to answer it?
RHONA:
(LOW) No way! You answer it.
STEVIE:
(LOW) We could just pretend we're not in, if you prefer.
MORE KNOCKING
STEVIE:
(ASIDE) Is it the police? A debt collector?
(PAUSE) Maybe they've gone..
SILENCE (ASIDE) Maybe it was something I did last night – I can't remember, it could have been!
(LOW) Are you hiding something?
RHONA:
Do you want me to? Listen.
DISTANT FOOTSTEPS GETTING FURTHER.
STEVIE:
Look I've never told a girl this before, but you scare me.
RHONA:
I scare you?! Stevie, you're the one pale as a sheet with bloodshot eyes. You look like something out of Night of the Living Dead.
-6-
STEVIE:
Right, well let's just ignore it!
(PAUSE) More toast?
(ASIDE) Drugs? Wouldn't surprise me the way she went last night. I nearly fell off the dance floor. So, ermm – boyfriend?
RHONA:
It would be a bit late to ask that! Toast would be good. Girlfriend?
STEVIE:
Nooo!
RHONA:
Don't quite know what do make of you.
STEVIE:
Of me? I don't even know what your job is?
RHONA:
I'm in business.
STEVIE:
Really? (ASIDE) Mafia?
RHONA:
Kinda through the government.
STEVIE:
(ASIDE) Spy!
RHONA:
What do you do yourself?
STEVIE:
I erm, work for.. I fly helicopters.
-7-
RHONA:
You said you were a fireman last night, Stevie.
STEVIE:
Oh? Well, yeah, sure, in my err, spare time, you know..
Has he gone away now yet? Shouldn't I make an exit?
RHONA:
You want to leave me here?
STEVIE:
Do you need me to protect you?
RHONA:
Why would I need you to protect me?
STEVIE:
Are you in some trouble?
RHONA:
You mean the person at the door? No one even knows that I'm here.
STEVIE:
No one? Then why didn't you answer it?
RHONA:
Why didn't you answer it? And your head must be a hell of a soar that you don't even remember where you work. Helicopter pilot - go away...!
STEVIE:
What?
RHONA:
Do you not remember yet?
I know where you work - you were in charge of me "back in The Nan".
STEVIE:
"The Nan"?
-8-
RHONA:
I did work experience with you in Comunn "nan" Gaidheal last year. (PAUSE) Rhona. My name's Rhona.
STEVIE:
"The Nan"! Ah... Rhona! I mean, the same Rhona?
RHONA:
And I thought you didn't remember my name...
STEVIE:
Of course I did, it's just it's still so surprising to see you after these years. You look so different.
RHONA:
Different?
STEVIE:
Your hair.
RHONA:
What's different about my hair?
STEVIE:
It's em... the... shape. So I'm gonna leave before whoever that was comes back.
RHONA:
But surely you'll have to come back here tonight.
STEVIE:
Tonight? You'd like me to come back tonight.
RHONA:
Well, you'd have to. Where else are you going to sleep?
STEVIE:
Really? Oh... ha! Oh, I've spilt my coffee.
RHONA:
Right...
KNOCKING
-9-
STEVIE:
(LOW) Oh no.
RHONA:
(LOW) Answer it.
STEVIE:
(LOW) You go.
RHONA:
(LOW) Go away.
STEVIE:
Why don't you?!
RHONA:
Well, it's your flat!
STEVIE:
What?!
RHONA:
You are pretty weird not answering your own door in your own flat..!
STEVIE:
But it's your flat!
RHONA:
What?!
STEVIE:
This isn't my flat.
TOASTER POPS UP
RHONA:
Then whose is it?
STEVIE:
Yours!
RHONA:
(LAUGHS) Now I've spilt my coffee. (LAUGHS)
- 10 -
STEVIE:
So neither of us know where we are right now. There is some mad guy banging on the door to get in. And you are eating toast?!
RHONA:
o, laca, laca, laca.. this toast is good! (SINGING) Strawberry jam, spread it over...
STEVIE:
Do you not get it? This is serious!
RHONA:
Don't look at me. You are the one who told the taxi driver to come here.
STEVIE:
Me?
RHONA:
(EATING TOAST) You had the key and you opened the door.
STEVIE:
What?!
TAKES KEYS OUT OF POCKET.
The only keys I have are these for my flat and...
RHONA:
Yes?
STEVIE:
The address wasn't 133 Links Steet, by any chance?
RHONA:
I think that was it.
- 11 -
STEVIE:
My boss's spare flat keys! He gave them to me to look after when he left.
RHONA:
Is you boss still Mr MacDonald?
STEVIE:
It is. And he was due back today! I am an idiot.
RHONA:
Then he's at the door.
STEVIE:
Ooooh...
RHONA:
You are an idiot! What shall we do?
STEVIE:
Cupboard?
OPENS CUPBOARD. TRIES TO GET IN. CLOTHES HANGERS ETC. DOOR CLOSES.
Right come on, get in.
RHONA:
It's tight in here.
STEVIE:
Ooo! Hehe. It's no time for that!
RHONA:
You don't like the danger, hmm? He'll find us in here anyway, clever kid.
STEVIE:
You're right
OPENS CUPBOARD DOOR.
- 12 -
The window?
RHONA:
Three floors up?
STEVIE:
Is that where we are? Erm.
OPENS WINDOW.
STEVIE:
Maybe I can get out onto this ledge. (CLIMBS OUT)
RHONA:
Don't be crazy. Wait there!
STEVIE:
What? Is somebody coming?
RHONA:
No, just, I need to get my camera.
STEVIE:
Ahh! (PIPE BREAKING AND WINDOW SMASHING) The pipes coming off! Help me.
RHONA:
Stevie! What on earth are you trying to do?
STEVIE:
Help me back in... Rhona!
Thank you.
Right. I have another plan. Let's pretend we're thieves!
RHONA:
Right...
STEVIE:
If we had masks on then he wouldn't know who we were. If only I still had my hat.
- 13 -
RHONA:
I have a hat...
STEVIE:
That's pink!
RHONA:
Well?
STEVIE:
Criminals don't wear pink.
RHONA:
We're not criminals!
STEVIE:
We are! Well, we are now...
RHONA:
We're gonna have to mess the place up a bit in that case. (RIPPING A CUSHION AND LAUGHING)
STEVIE:
What are you doing?!
RHONA:
You've broken the window already – that's good.
STEVIE:
You're enjoying this!
RHONA:
I never liked the man anyway.
STEVIE:
Great. Now it will look like somebody broke in, ripped a cushion, spilt coffee everywhere and had a shower!
RHONA:
Right so basically let's go.
KNOCKING.
- 14 -
STEVIE:
Oh no, he's back.
RHONA:
Here put this bed sheet over you.
STEVIE:
What?
FLAPPING OF SHEET
RHONA:
At the worst he'll think we're a couple of crazies. Let's go, open the door!
STEVIE:
But he's outside.
RHONA:
Let's go!
STEVIE:
Ok...
STEVIE OPENS DOOR. INTAKES OF BREATH.
RHONA:
You're not Mr MacDonald.
MAN:
Pardon? I'm the doorman – a taxi driver left this for you last night... Why weren't you answering the door?
STEVIE:
My hat! Brilliant.
MAN:
Why have you got a sheet over you?
RHONA:
(BURSTING THROUGH) Run!
STEVIE:
(RUNNING) Arghghghg...
- 15 -
RHONA:
Hahahaha, quicker.
MAN:
(DISTANT) Wait, stop!
STEVIE:
(AS THEY RUN AWAY) I take it you'll never want to see me again?
RHONA:
Are you joking? This was great fun. I'll see you again tonight, yeah?!
STEVIE:
Ermm...
END
- 16 -