Engender Zine September 2016

engender september 2016

a p roduction of the

Visit us at the RMC Learn about us on women.rice.edu Like us on facebook.com/RiceWRC Contact us at womenrc@rice.edu

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: s t n onte

Intro to the Wellness Coordinators Emily Jacobson and Sarah Tseggay

Intro to the RWRC’s New Staff Advisor Jordan Pacelli Everett

The Bath Sarah Torresen

Red Flags of Emotional Abuse Anna Knochel

Health & Accessibility Playlist Anna Durham and Julian Wilson

Health & Accessibility Resources Zine Editing Team

This zine is a collection of thoughts, comments, and research on gender and related topics. It is a continuation of the discussions that are already happening within the Rice community and beyond. The purpose of this zine is to create a platform that consolidates ideas and perspectives to give voice to concerns specific to our Rice community.Our goal is to engage the entire campus by exposing students to conversations on gender and sexuality, among other things, through a unique lens—a lens created by and for our community!

Letter from the Editors

Inspired by the start of a new semester and a return to the stress that is often involved in courses and extracurricular activities, we were inspired to make “Health and Accessibility” our theme for the month of September. We encourage you to be reminded by this issue of engender to prioritize self-care. If you feel in any way that your needs are not being met at Rice and/or you are in need of support, we encourage you to refer to the list of resources we have compiled at the end of this issue.

We hope that this zine will engender discussion among friends, classmates, and colleagues about the many ways in which gender and sexuality shape and are shaped by our culture. We welcome your feedback and contributions—contact us at womenrc@rice.edu or stop by the Rice Women’s Resource Center in the RMC. Thank you for reading, and be on the lookout for future issues of engender!

Anna Durham and Julian Wilson Editors-in-Chief

Emily Jacobson Class of 2017, Duncan College Political Science and Sociology Emily Jacobson is an aspiring policy wonk from San Antonio, TX. As a wellness coordinator, she loves promoting self-care, which for her often entails brunch, wine, and naps. She is passionate about women’s political representation, reproductive healthcare, and sustainable urban development, and she loves to travel (after triple-checking that she packed everything).

Emily strives everyday to live her life as Leslie Knope would, and thinks you should, too.

Sarah Tseggay Class of 2019, Jones College Cognitive Sciences, Sociology Neuroscience Minor Sarah Tseggay enjoys watching videos of old SNL skits, eating endless amounts of candy, and squealing whenever she sees a puppy. If an opportunity to dance presents itself, she is certain to show off some ballet moves to the tune of any song, classical or not. An avid reader of black feminist literature, Sarah is always down to have a conversation about her sheroes Audre Lorde and Patricia Hill Collins. Feel free to talk to this wellness coordinator about anything anytime!

Hello, zine readers!

A letter from Jordan Pacelli Everett, the RWRC’s new staff advisor

My name is Jordan Pacelli Everett and I am writing to introduce myself as the new staff advisor to the Rice Women’s Resource Center and member of the Rice feminist community. Personally, I am passionate about my Siberian husky Tycho, swimming in any major body of water, watching ballet videos on Instagram, and discussing social justice, gender equity, and the prevention of gender-based violence (sometimes with people who are all for it, and sometimes not so much). Professionally, I have been fortunate enough to have jobs that have allowed me to put some of those passions to action. After graduating from the University of Illinois with a B.S. in Community Health, I worked as a resident advocate at a shelter in Webster, TX, for individuals fleeing from domestic and sexual violence and then at the Houston Area Women’s Center as a violence prevention educator, where I conducted trainings in the Houston community for professionals so that they could better assess for and respond to domestic and sexual violence in their respective fields. My work as a facilitator there also took me to many colleges and universities across the city, including Rice!

I have been a part of the Wellbeing team at Rice since May 2016 as a Title IX Resource Navigator and Student Wellbeing Specialist. The Office of Sexual Violence Prevention and Title IX Support works with students who have been affected by sexual violence, domestic violence, stalking, or harassment, and provides them with care management and navigation, resources and referrals, and direct services. Some of those direct services include safety planning, accommodation management, student judicial programs accompaniment, and medical, law enforcement, and legal accompaniment. The Wellbeing Office is a group of helping professionals who provide case management and community outreach, working with students on a vast variety of issues from stress and time management to breakups and problems with friends.

I am excited not only for my roles within the Title IX and Wellbeing offices but to get to work with and support the members of the RWRC, a talented, passionate, and versatile group of feminists who are excited to bring dynamic events, programs, conversations, and issues of engender to campus this year!

If you are looking for Title IX Support, Wellbeing services, or clinical counseling, we are all in one location with one phone number!

Gibbs Wellness Center / (713) 348 – 3311 (24/7)

The Bath

By Sarah Torresen

My sick Body felt slow, stale, defective And my head, full of Writhing ugliness and I was stuck in the sticky air feeling utterly useless And then Love in the bath Slipped in and entered my pockets And the heavy steamy air Felt clear and clean to me And my clammy fingers and ordinary body became slick and Were beautiful

Red Flags:

Signs of Emotional Abuse and a Personal Story

By Anna Knochel

When I told my boyfriend that my father verbally and psychologically abused me throughout my childhood, he looked away from my gaze and replied, “So he just yelled at you a lot?” He never took what I said seriously. After we broke up, he told me that he never called me worthless, never hit or shoved me, and never threatened me. He did not realize that his complete lack of empathy, his impulsive and hurtful mistreatment, and his manipulation slowly came together into a cycle that turned emotionally abusive. Though not intended maliciously, his absolute disregard for my wellbeing and the callous manner in which I was treated has manifested into my high levels of anxiety, insomnia, and a lack of trust in people.

I thought I would know when the time came how to avoid dating a man like my father. After all, I had experienced most intimately the wrath of someone I lived with and I did not think that any man could ever again bring someone as strong as myself to grief. I fell in love almost instantly with my boyfriend when we first met. We were friends at first for few years, but slowly our relationship evolved into something more passionate and intense. The most complicating factor about our relationship was that it was long distance. After more than a year of being with this man, I have finally realized that he used long distance as an excuse to mask his inappropriate and cruel behavior. His absolute lack of empathy and ability to connect with me on an emotional level left me hurt. He kept me close when I served a purpose and he pushed me aside when it benefitted him to do so. Our relationship was a constant reminder that I was amazing, beautiful, and so very loved, but also disposable.

He kept himself emotionally distant, did not care about my wellbeing compared to his, and used manipulation to avoid accountability and to make me believe that I was the one in the wrong. He toyed with my sexual vulnerabilities and, though it may not have been intentional, he did what gave him the most pleasure without any regard for my feelings. On one occasion I remember, we were sleeping together in the morning and then, on the same day, he told me we had to discontinue all contact for the next month because he was going back to college the next morning.

After having my first sexual experience just several days before, I felt shattered. Someone had reached into me so deeply to cradle my heart only to shred it from my chest. On other occasions, he would spin the blame back to me and then call me vindictive. He didn’t want to define our relationship, yet he said he loved me and wanted to be with nobody else. Whenever he had an issue with our relationship, he made his own decisions about us without talking to me. Everything was always about him and my thoughts and feelings were never taken into account. But whenever he apologized for his behavior, I forgave him in the hope that he would change. I always knew he lacked empathy, but I never knew just how apathetic he was until we finally ended the relationship this summer.

He never loved me. If he had loved me, he would not have spent only one day deciding the future of our relationship. He would not have had sex with me the day before deciding that. If he had loved me, he would have never hesitated to call me his girlfriend or be ashamed to talk about me in front of his friends. He wouldn’t be defensive and make me feel terrible for calling him out on his hurtful behavior. He only thought that he loved me, but I have realized that he only feels true love for himself. My ex boyfriend, along with my father, is a narcissist, and there is absolutely nothing I could have done to pull him away from his selfish and egotistical sense of self. I know people wonder why I stayed in the relationship so long. Well, I held onto him because I truly loved him, I had already invested so much of myself into the relationship, and I wanted to help him. I think I wanted to fix in him what I couldn’t fix in my father. But in the end, I know there is no way I can make him realize the trauma he has caused and I can’t make him change. In the end, he refused to be held accountable for his behavior or even apologize to me.

I can only heal by looking back, seeing the relationship for what it was, and realizing that otherwise I could have continued to while away in this unloving cycle.

I have been so grateful to be surrounded by friends and family who comfort me when I cry on my bad days and are there to listen when the anger washes over me. Others have not been so helpful. A few people have told me that by ruminating over my ex, I am still letting him have control over my life. But, what I wish other people would understand is that I am experiencing intense, overwhelming grief. In the period of a few weeks, I have suddenly been slammed with the fact that someone I have loved so incredibly much has been swallowed by a darker shadow of himself. I am experiencing monumental loss and dealing with heightened levels of anxiety. When others tell me that I should forget about what happened and move on, I feel more victimized by my ex. I cannot control how I feel and then I become upset with myself for feeling so inattentive and morose. I don’t need a pep talk about how to smile and forget about my ex boyfriend, I need time. I need to grieve. I need to process what happened to me on my own terms, have support from people who care about me, and to feel sad. There is absolutely no shame in that.

I’ve compiled a list of red flags that I didn’t see in my relationship because I was wearing rose-colored glasses. As a disclaimer, these red flags are based off of my personal experiences and not all are signs of emotional abuse. My relationship was unhealthy as result of these parameters in combination with each other.

1. He or she claims to have a multitude of crazy ex partners. Statistically, there is no way that one person just happens to date people that turn out to be “crazy.” This means this person is either repeatedly seeking out toxic people, they have driven their partners to the point of insanity by being a total douchebag, or they are trying to misrepresent what happened in the relationship in order to avoid being held accountable.

2. He or she shifts blame back to you, or calls you vindictive. After my boyfriend wanted a “break” in our relationship, I canceled the tickets I had bought to visit him later in the month. When we got back together two weeks afterwards, he hadn’t realized I canceled the trip and then told me I was just trying to punish him for breaking up with me. Dude… maybe I just didn’t want to waste $400 visiting someone who broke up with me because he thought it would improve his chances of getting into a fraternity. (None of the fraternities wanted him. Go figure.)

3. He or she perceives empathy as weakness. This is a HUGE red flag and often a symptom of narcissism. If your partner is incredibly charming, kind to you only when it suits them, cannot connect with you emotionally, and lacks empathy, then I would consider whether you can ever truly be happy with that person. These are characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists may be able to have healthy relationships if they are aware of their narcissism and are receiving outside help, but it is hard for a narcissist to admit they need help or to even want to change their ways.

4. He or she is not willing to define the relationship (when you want to). My ex danced around my desire to define the relationship, yet he would tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be together. He just didn’t want to call me his long distance girlfriend around his friends.

He would only call me his girlfriend when it pleased him, such as when we went to a dinner party with his professors. (If neither of you want to define the relationship, as long as you are on the same page that is completely fine.)

5. He or she avoids confrontation about their hurtful behavior. My ex boyfriend told me explicitly to refrain from bringing up his past wrongdoing, because those things were in the past and not worth discussing.

What he really meant was he did not want to be held accountable for his callous, misguided, or impulsive actions and he wanted me to be silent about them.

6. Inviting you on vacation and then turning you away the day before you leave. Yes, this happened. Then he agreed to and subsequently refused to compensate me for the flight I paid for, and missed, as a result of him rearranging our plans.

7. Not giving you a hug while you’re crying on the floor. Really?

8. They are constantly coming up with excuses to dismiss their behavior. In my situation, my ex tried to explain his hurtful behavior by saying he was trying to be rational. He also constantly used long distance as an excuse for how he acted.

In trying to end on a somewhat comical note: He or she doesn’t want you to mention your period to them. This is directed more to my fellow ladies and trans men out there. If they can have sex with you, they can listen to you talk about a natural bodily function that, by the way, you cannot control.

Rice and Community Resources: On campus:

The Rice Women’s Resource Center!!!

available to all genders, student volunteers, office hours vary

Students Transforming Rice Into a Violence-free Environment (STRIVE) student volunteer liasons at each residential college

Rice Health Advisors (RHAs)

university-supported student volunteers at each college

Student Wellbeing Center

focus is support for students victims of sexual or domestic violence

Rice Counseling Center

staff of psychologists/social workers/counselors/psychiatrist

Rice Disability Support Services

certifies eligibility and ensures accomodations are met on campus

Student Health Center

provides preventative and outpatient clinical care

Off campus:

Houston Area Women’s Center shelter/counseling/advocacy for sexual/domestic violence victims

The Montrose Center

focus on LGBT+ individuals, multitude of physical/mental resources

Confidential (not required to report): Rice Counseling Center(713 348 4867)

24hr hotline, appointments must be scheduled in advance

Student Health Center (713 348 4966)

appointments can only be made during business hours

Houston Area Women’s Center (713 528 7273) 24hr hotline, not Rice-affiliated

see you in the next issue of the engender zine!

Editors in Chief

Anna Durham and Julian Wilson

Contributing Authors

Emily Jacobson Sarah Tseggay Jordan Pacelli Everett Sarah Torresen Anna Knochel

Contributing Artists

Tian-Tian He Julian Wilson Esther Tang

Want to submit something to the next edition of engender?

Send your submission to jrw5@rice.edu, avd1@rice.edu, or womenrc@rice.edu!