LAST-MINUTE BEER BIKE RULE CHANGES MANDATE BREATHALYZING AFTER EACH LAP

In response to disturbing rumors that students plan to consume alcohol on Beer Bike morning, Rice administrators have released new Beer Bike rule changes, effective immediately, just one day before the races to ensure undergraduate safety.

Among the most prominent alterations to the event is the extension of the race period into all of Sunday and early Monday morning in order to accommodate separate races for individual bikers. Specifically, each biker will race a condensed route comprising three laps back and forth on a 25-meter straightaway, stopping at each end of the track to get breathalyzed by an RPC representative. Administrators declared this race format adjustment necessary to ensure alcohol is not consumed mid-race or generated in vivo. RPC will then use a tape measure and a calculator to extrapolate these numbers to reflect hypothetical full track race times.

In addition to launching and catching, Beer Bike pit crews will now also be tasked with rapidly swapping out bikers’ training wheels in between the races. Further, pit crews will be involved with chugging for the first time this year: between each swig of water, pit crews will be responsible for burping chuggers to eliminate risk of hospitalizable gas buildup. “This will most likely affect our training,” says Andrew Kim, a Lovett Pit Crew captain.

Although chug teams have remained unaffected by injury in the past, they will not be exempt from the rule changes. Beyond chugging in between laps instead of in between racers, chug captains were ordered to split chugging up into three 4 oz cups of water chugged in succession to minimize choking hazard. Chug teams were also discouraged from consuming anything before the races because they might get a tummy ache if they have too much to eat or drink. And in a redoubled effort to curb intoxication, prior to the race, chuggers and all other Beer Bike personnel will be required to successfully pass a commercial driver’s license exam after passing their breathalyzer test.

If the new regulations on competitors weren’t enough, in-person audience spectating will be limited this year to combat overcrowding. A Google Form will be sent out Friday night, and all responses after 9:30 AM on Saturday morning will have a chance at receiving a wristband to be eligible to stand by the track. If anyone fills out the form before 9:30 AM and complains about not getting one, RPC will apologize and resend the form at 11:30 AM for a new round of wristband allocation. A recording of the race will be available on Monday for non-wristband holders, after Rice admin has had the opportunity to censor any curse words caught on audio. Finally, all materials mentioning Beer Bike will be required to print a health warning resembling those on cigarette boxes. Specific examples named in this statue were promotional flyers, informational emails, and all Beer Bike shirts and uniforms.

Races for current students will begin as scheduled on Saturday at 12 pm. Warning: Beer Bike can cause bothersome leg/ throat fatigue, abundant rowdiness, and worm virus.