when all else fails we order pizza: new poetry

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Preface: No preface is actually needed, but if it were I might say something like this:

This new work is born out of the times we live in, the true grief and resentment I am grappling with, and all of what has brought us forward, as a culture and a species, over the last fifty years or so to this time and place … a time of prophetic awareness and a place of imminent fulfilment.

-

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Thanks: To Brandon Ashworth an Independent, wrestler working under the ring name “Pretty Boy” Brandon Idle. I do certainly appreciate the use of his likeness for cover art.

To Lyn Lifshin who, whether she knows it or not, has influenced this work with her “stream of consciousness” poetic style.

Now is the time, Lyn. Picking it back up after 25 years is huge.

—Sean Lawrence March 2022

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When all else fails

Index: Pg 2 ……………………… Preface Pg 3 …………………….. Thanks Pg 4 …………………….. Index Pg 5 …………………….. Index Pg 6 …………………….. So why is it Pg 7 …………………….. Lives are Pg 9 …………………….. How are you coping Pg 10 …………………… Speaking of souls

Pg 11 …………………… Obedience is a virtue Pg 12 …………………… Winter is necessary Pg 13 …………………… Deciding to quit Pg 14 …………………… An existential threat Pg 15 …………………… Weed was a statement Pg 16 …………………… Bob is the Cat for President Pg 17 …………………… It has to do with peace Pg 18 …………………… Church is a sanctuary Pg 19 …………………… It has to do with gardening Pg 20 …………………… It has to do with God Pg 21 …………………… It has to do with standing your ground Pg 22 …………………… Wrestling is for real they say Pg 23 …………………… Happening upon a documentary Pg 24 …………………… The one thing, Esther Pg 25 …………………… I have been down Pg 26 …………………… When all else fails

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We order pizza

Index: Pg 27 …………………… If today is Pg 28 …………………… Looking up is Pg 29 …………………… What about the bathwater Pg 30 …………………… I think my cat Pg 31 …………………… So what exactly Pg 32 …………………… I am still Pg 33 …………………… The tattoo on my left arm Pg 34 …………………… While there is a reason

Pg 35 …………………… Campfires are not Pg 36 …………………… Where and what Pg 37 …………………… In the photo of Pg 38 …………………… Ahh, the wheat fields Pg 39 …………………… The smell of summer Pg 40 …………………… I think I have come to terms Pg 41 …………………… The sound the corn makes Pg 42 …………………… Lord help me Pg 43 …………………… Ray told me Pg 44 …………………… As he hung Pg 45 …………………… I used to find them Pg 46 …………………… When things start Pg 47 …………………… Sometimes Pg 48 …………………… I have always considered Pg 49 …………………… Isaiah 2:4 Pg 50 …………………… Back cover & author’s info

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Book of When all 2 else Timothy fails

So why is it _____________________ That when all else fails We order pizza As though that will Actually Fix the hole In the soul, and that Adding pineapple As though pineapple is the crowning fruit One that might comfort the soul The inner starving child ...

A child who is more In need of a mother’s love Than sugar-coated entrees ...

Knowing deep down That the labor of preparing And cooking

Is far more therapeutic And is undoubtedly healthier than Ordering out ...

And that Eating like livestock, and not family Only elevates our type 2 And gives our hearts something Else to be hardened About …

Aware that knowing and doing are light years Apart. Right?

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Book of 2We Timothy order pizza Lives are _____________________ Meant to be saved Not piled up like cordwood For the furnace

Of harvesting angels ...

Lives are meant To be more than Simply valued If they have received God’s Breath at all ...

Plant or animal, cactus or bat Yes, it matters That any life is not regarded as Less than Because of species Hue, origin or predisposition Though we might Expect a tad more insight from the self-aware The believer One informed in Spirit Imbued with a dim reflection Of God’s own image Because if one can Harm another

Showing complete disregard Then that individual Can never be Trusted.

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When all else fails

How are you coping _____________________ The poet asked Himself in an ode to his Brother ...

And I say, “I am coping Best I know how” Which means long periods of normal (?)

Punctuated By alternate periods Of grief And anger But this isn’t about my brother, really Yet it may be in the broadest sense Because A loss is a loss Even if it is welcomed Even if

It is keeping a healthy distance And not always Being in Pursuit …

Because It is harder to watch someone Decompose At a distance Even when it’s safer that Way.

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We order pizza Speaking of souls _____________________ And we should More than we do; Souls are pivotal

Not insignificant Souls are central To everything else That matters Souls are a collective that Have individual identity That is not diminished By the whole …

Oh, btw Cats are the guardians of souls Because they sense And attach To the God With Whom they do not negotiate Because they (cats) Take their assignments As seriously And as silently As their paws at night ...

Deliberate

Warding off shadows by becoming them Protecting souls Moving between worlds Like quantum mechanics.

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When all else fails No _____________________ Is hard to swallow even once Let alone doing it Over and over for a period of

Let’s say 15 or 20 years, then It’s only comparable To drowning On command by breathing deep, Fading to black, And then being revived, coughing up

The phlegm of futility Salty buckets Of rejection Hard enough to make Old lungs bleed And the leather of a diaphragm ache …

And then doing it Over and over until drowning And being resuscitated Is not only an option, but the stuff of life itself Because drowning Is all you remember: So, one day you finally choose to stop drowning But swimming ashore is the now the anger, and the distance And the grief remains embossed On your soul Struck way down there On the bottom like a fossil.

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We order pizza

Obedience is a virtue _____________________ Though I am not so virtuous Nor devout But I know obedience when

I see it Not from the codependent Or the submissive But from the backyard garden Where Neither the cats Nor the dog named Prince Nor the birds, bees, squirrels or butterflies Nor the roses or thyme Negotiate with God To be some thing Or some one else Because ...

They are secure in Whose they are And see no gain in being other than What and whom they were Designed to be Unlike most of us Who would sell a soul Or take a life

To look feel or be More than Or less than What we have become.

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When all else fails Winter is necessary _____________________ For spring Even though I sometimes agree That summer Cannot come soon enough ...

Knowing that a dark night Of any soul May accompany a darker season Or seasons Because we synch up and phase out Darkness begetting darkness And it is the worst of times; But punching thru it means Maybe the worst has come and gone Or has simply passed over …

So there is solace in blissful ignorance But no easy chair, no La-Z-Boy In knowing Believing truly That things could not be worse Having come all this way To understand That we have not yet arrived We have barely begun, maybe Not even departed

From the gates of this hell Belie4ving that glory is not really that Far off Maybe just over the next hill.

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We order pizza Deciding to quit _____________________ Another addiction To check off one more item On a laundry list Of obsessive

Compulsive Behaviors That need to go Because [it] Will bring me closer To dealing with that one thing That I have successfully avoided That must finally Be addressed If I am ever To know peace: Late to bed Late to rise Only means that my dreams Are more than weird ...

Because the light from the morning sun Pierces my subconscious Brain like a pitchfork And all of the unresolved issues Leak out like battery acid, corroding my sleep

Startling me awake one final time Disturbed for hours Needing coffee and even more time to unwind.

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When all else fails

An existential threat _____________________ Is no joke Or even an exaggeration because It’s deep in the reptilian

Brain where God nested it and Our struggles are real In these ending times when The threat is as Real As the day is long, And the day Is long But the time is short, Until the Father calls us all to fold The hands we hold Because the end is always nearer And we are closer to a place Where the sun is not required Because the streets Are pure gold And God is the Light And the Life …

In a good place where we do not Have to decide between

Fight or Flight.

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We order pizza

Weed was a statement _____________________ But today it’s empty Full of contempt and entitlement Devoid of any residual political or cultural Import; It’s as dead as the peace Movement Dead as truth and free speech Even though the cultivated cannabinoids are Thru the roof we are still in pain ...

There was a time when Smoking the stuff Was meant to be hidden Not brandished with the unmistakable stink of A blunt lit and lofted Like a personal contrail Draped across the

Evening breeze Making a down wind contact buzz Seem inevitable.

Even the dispensary in the next town Uses beepers to alert clientele For order pickup (everyone is an Uber) ...

Back in the day we used Visine to keep The red out Patchouli oil and Gonesh incense to fool The ,man.

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When all else fails

Bob is the Cat for President ______________________ Or at least he should be Since Al Stewart has already proclaimed The Year of the Cat

And there really is a Street Cat Named Bob Even a yard sign in Toledo, Ohio Telling anyone who looked to the left of center Past the visual trash In 2019 That Voting for Bob the Cat Was more than a reasonable choice All things considered …

But Bob was mocked It was even said that Bob was only my mouthpiece Which is so demeaning Especially to A cat named Bob An exquisite life form That does not, has not Forgotten its Noble Pyramid-shaped roots Roots Deeper than our own Which is why I allow them

To guard my Soul And sleep on my lap When I cannot find my rest.

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We order pizza

It has to do with Peace ___________________ Or at least it should.

Peace is both the connection to And the evidence of Our God Peace is time spent with a cat Not the Carl Sandburg Cat but a tiny place of retracted claw Sanctuary On a rainy day A gray cat on a gray day Which is absolute perfection Make such a time your Sabbath and God will honor it Because you honor something other Than you Which is why He made soft things, furry

Creatures To distract us from us To stop us in our tracks To make us think For change For a righteous change Honor Peace, honor God’s purpose Honor solitude And rest From Chaos And Hate and moving, always moving.

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When all else fails

Church is a sanctuary _____________________ Or at least it was supposed to be; I remembered it that way in 1969 When it was a retreat And a happening place No pun intended No political rhetoric or xenophobic Rants from the pulpit [Maybe a little less hell and damnation as incentive] but

No side conversations About firearms during Sunday School …

So, I tried so hard to offer up In less divisive Language Jesus’ own words The truth of love and light,

But in the end Even those few that remained after The pandemic Decided that free thinking and A toxic mix of politics and religion Was an acceptable Antidote To the snake bite of stability Democracy And those other stumbling blocks To real freedom.

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We order pizza

It has to do with Gardening ___________________ It really does Because it’s the only location On the planet Which is the planet Which is a cosmic terrarium Pre-curser to the reboot Where obedience is paramount But never blind; Blindness would be savage without

Darkness overcome And by spiritual compound vision ...

Eyes of the jumping spider, bee or gnat Which is exactly why I want to get back to the garden Yes that garden Eden

Stick my hands into her Up to my elbows Absorb the chemistry and the earthiness Touch God With sticks and stones Planting seeds Being faithful to the harvest Of good fruit and believer Knowing Fertility is both work And gift.

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When all else fails It has to do with God ___________________ And it always will.

I say that As a believer (yes, a Jesus Freak)

Without reservation, bias or judgment Because even though God is sovereign Which is His element, His rightful place He has been swallowed up In our culture By the science He created; Remember that a vacuum Created for even a good reason Leaves an empty space, empty-ness A void Screaming to be filled And it will always be filled by something or someone

So if you are bent in a way To pray Pray fervently and with purpose Begging God Not to take a “wait and see” just yet, but that He takes us by the scruff of the neck And carries us to a place

Of reckoning Before we all lose sight Of the only Truth That is true.

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We order pizza It has to do with standing your ground ___________________ Or at least it should So do not listen to those fools Who tell you

That there is glory and a crown This side of glory Under any crown.

Ignore those other fools clad in flags and horns Who worship men And the ground they walk on Unholy ground Sacred places they have made profane ...

White houses Whitewashed tombs Unclean as the outside of cups And the inside Of hearts & tombs

Where the bones of fathers Lie Yes, sometimes they lie …

Hands folded Declarations penned But Jesus Omitted.

Those lies.

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When all else fails Wrestling is for real they say ___________________ I say YES! And others say NO! it’s fake Scripted entirely

So I suggest that you either Attend as a fan Paying a measly $10 For a night of cheap thrills Or take photos ringside Risking personal injury Life and Limb Because there is that faction which proclaims “Wrestling is real And everything else is fake.”

No need to quibble when Big men and strong women hit the deck or Flying folks true to the gimmick Dive bomb Receiving the marks of suplex and road rash Ropes and mats bruises and blood rising on naked flesh Stgmata …

Some matches are predictable Others are shoot All bets off

Dangerous to be in and to watch Like wild animals Tame enough Not tame enough.

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We order pizza Once upon a documentary ___________________ About Walt Whitman Broadcast over Public Television I felt as though

Just maybe I was folding back into myself At this ripening, this age, At the end of a good run Of faithfulness and good works In a downtown uptown somewhere In southwest Ohio, Remembering clearly the inspiration of My first poem The inspiration of Stanley Plumly My father’s student in the 50’s Feeling oddly energized After so many fallow and Spent years …

I thought maybe this new age In old age Was not an age at all But a new beginning after Divine calling Preparing me to look Upward first and foremost

Then inward and outward To be truly and finally inspired, Unshackled, Honest.

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When all else fails

The one thing, Esther ___________________ I could not conquer As I write this draft Is an unmentionable thing But a stain upon my life, a thorn Which even God chose to leave inflamed, embedded In His grace In my tragic doomed flesh In the late evenings Alone When the mind and body Wander and relive my “what if” past In all of its catalogued clarity: The taste The smell The touch The sight

The tall weeds The wheat fields behind The old neighborhood The lies Before the drugs When those drugs already existed As predisposition As I was both attracted and repelled By the self-same flesh And the secret nature Of my longing.

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We order pizza

I have been down ___________________ This road before Though now I am still on the same dirt path With no mile markers No real beginning And no horizon Fuel seems fine Map is smeared though, illegible Open to serious interpretation No obvious direction home But this time Being adrift Is becoming far more tolerable Actually acceptable I may not want to go home Or wherever home is or was

And I am not really yearning For what is ahead, not really (am I there yet?)

I wish I could say I was troubled Enough to try harder To read more Scripture Pray more But like I said I am adrift No beacon No matter No hurry.

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When all else fails

When all else fails ___________________ We really do order pizza Because it is the Ultimate comfort food. the final solution And the list of ordinary situations it addresses Is endless For the moment, at least: Imminent nuclear threat Peace in the provinces Ridiculous gas prices A great coffee find at TJ Maxx No bills in the mail Lotsa bills in the mail An argument with the spouse Making peace with your partner A bad day at the office A good day at the office

You waxed your car You have another flat Pineapple sounds good with black olives Red onions do not The cat ran away The cat came back God loves you The Devil won’t shut up …

When all else fails We order pizza No reason required. (sound familiar?)

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We order pizza

If today is ___________________ Tomorrow’s yesterday Then what is time But a construct Of God’s For the benefit Of our dismal linear Reality …

I know for a fact That time is layered and Multi-dimensional Which explains miracles, Quantum, physics Heaven and hell And how the Kingdom Can be within us And all around us.

If today Is yesterday’s tomorrow And today is tomorrow’s Yesterday Then we can Be sure That today is really all we have

Since it is neither future nor past And it is then true that the best time is simply Unequivocally Now.

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When all else fails

Looking up is ___________________ To keep looking up And it Is harder than it Sounds Not because “up” May not be there When I get back Or be otherwise Misplaced or indisposed But simply Because In my drift My neck gets stiff …

And I become “them” One of those Stiff-necked people

We hear so much about The ones God was most Frustrated with Because they had no malady Other than Apathy, cynicism And lack of gratitude: So, I will go out And snap photos of clouds Forcing myself to do something today If only to look up … if only.

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We order pizza

What about the bathwater ___________________ The baby The dirt The human essence And All of the other critical stuff Thrown out In it?

So, I will get to the point — All too often our baby Jesus

Is cast out With the bathwater Of religion Legalism Politics And entertainment …

Strange how we accept What is removed Thrown away Cast off Otherwise Considered garbage Yet, nevertheless Without any question We continue to drain Cubic acres of bathwater And gulp down camels.

Whole. (hair, hump and snout)

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When all else fails I think my cat ___________________ Swallowed A rusty hinge.

Every meow is like An old screen Door Being opened somewhere That WD40 Has not been used In a hundred Years And the wind has Blown through the slats The way Unrequited love Makes its way through All things, all hearts and souls

Leaving them worse for The wear Entropic But, unlike the coming darkness And decay My cat purrs, reassures And warms the side of

My face, even my heart The way most people cannot Ever Hope To.

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We order pizza So what exactly ___________________ Is a racist?

I really don’t know I cannot relate Not because I am white or Without prejudice Or memory Or self-awareness (not blame, though) But because I do remember That it was music That made us whole and full of joy

It wasn’t colored music Or white music But just damned good music That won over a whole Generation And we almost got it Right

Then in the 80’s we got really high We fell away … sought mammon & fell down And now apart ...

So, we want to repair What is not broken But simply Unused and in need of a good dusting-off Waiting for us ALL to sing along Sing loud with voices, strings, drums and horns The kaleidoscope of color we call music Is us in the mirror … waiting, getting old.

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When all else fails I am still ___________________ On my trek Dragging my weary Feet

Through the dust Of my own wilderness Wiping it off But it clings Like a magnetic charge A bolt of static A soulless mess Attached like cat hair To a black pair of pants…

There is no Village To curse No household To return the peace to No way to brush the dust off In holy Frustration Only to stomp Around like a Violent

Reject In mourning; Dust is a discarded notion Rarely fruitful Never forgotten.

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We order pizza The tattoo on my left arm ___________________ Ended up Being more than a Bible verse And even with The inadvertent capitalization Of a non-divine pronoun I began to realize That what I had really needed Was a final reminder A repentance Accountability

The very words of Jesus Written on my skin As on a scroll A codex A gospel The Good News that maybe After so many Years I can Do what I had never done Be what I could never be Stop what could never be stopped Find some semblance Of peace

After a lifetime Of falling prey To the obsession Which consumed me ...

Branded.

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When all else fails While there is a reason ___________________ For everything Not everything is concocted by God Tp place us in a “life’s lesson”

Predicament That absolves us of Personal responsibility And places That blame Squarely at God’s Feet At His throne Like a dead goat….

No, sometimes Even often What we get is what We have taken

Or proverbially what we harvest Is what we have Sown in secret.

And yes, absolutely There is a reason But not the one We might wish we could Attribute to God Because He is watching and shrugging like Atlas.

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We order pizza Campfires are not ___________________ Only for Campfire Girls Church retreat bonding Pep rallies

Or hobos But for the darkness The solace The closeness The time alone With one preexisting element Fire Air (pneuma) Not Water Not Earth Closer to Spirit One that warms the bones And can consume the flesh

Equally Completely And without premeditation, guilt Or malice But simply in its being And primordial intent Doing what it was designed To do So so long ago Before Hawking But just after the Big Bang.

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When all else fails Where and what ___________________ Is home?

The one we are told You and I can Never Return to; In our faith Home Is glory, Home Is a destination And not a place We return to ...

Home Is a chamber In the heart Warmer, brighter More inviting, A bygone time, Though no less Real Than the last meal We enjoyed, that cannot be eaten again; Home can never be

Lived in again, never a residence Because home is like The memo we typed or The photo we took It is finished, over and done.

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We order pizza

In the photo of ___________________ A blazing, truly audacious, bright red Roadrunner Hemi 442 I saw a lost version Of me: blonde, skinny and tan Which Caught me by surprise Because it took me back 60 years More or less …

The dad is bent over

Oblivious Peering in the window At the dash, at the wheel At all of the exquisite Analogue Instrumentation And the Hurst shifter Of course Because that is truly a guy Thing And this little version Of Me, doppelganger me Is watching his dad Being a kid

Again And wonders what It will Be like to grow up And be a dad like his dad..

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When all else fails Ahhh, the wheat fields ___________________ In late June Spread out over Southwest Ohio

Are like syrup on pancakes Or butter on toast The color of serenity Solace and hard work A hand to the plow A blatant But comforting homage To Van Gogh Who also honored Murders of crows and angry skies Not to condone But to warn That peace comes at a price

And even crows Are murderers If given the opportunity The right time And the right place …

The wheat fields were hiding places Far more valuable Than the gold they Imitated, the acres covered Or the crimes they Kept hidden, kept secret.

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We order pizza The smell of summer ___________________ Is the smell of rain On hot pavement Whatever that is …

But whatever it is It consists of cool rain Falling 25 thousand feet Hitting, slapping the Hot steaming tarmac Like a good spanking Mixed with ozone, I think Or most likely the process of Immediate evaporation Mixed with midsummer green Tomato and squash that need Ripening, protecting Sliced and offered up

At picnics like a sweaty food channel worship in High Ohio heat and humidity Anticipating the salvation Found in lightning, thunder and surprise The voice and power of God That is miraculously accomplished By merging old roads, tar, purring cicadas Freedom and childhood For which There is No substitute even After all of these desperate tech years.

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When all else fails I think I have come to terms ___________________ With that skinny kid In cargo shorts, brown skin And a platinum pineapple Haircut …

Yeah, that was me With a butterfly net With pockets full of fossils And allergies With parents who believed That I was not all

That weird Ok maybe just a little And that was our secret; I came to terms With the kid who spent too much Time alone With bugs and rocks And the skeletons Of roadkill, but These days I have a lot of respect For the little guy Who didn’t give up

Who could be alone And not learn To hate himself as much As he wanted to.

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We order pizza The sound the corn makes ___________________ Has a voice All its own It rustles and scrapes When it speaks Like a door Opening To another time and place Where farms still Matter Where victory gardens

Memorialize an actual enemy Vanquished And not the cheap heady stuff We drink these Days …

The hollow stuff The shallow Politically spun stuff Nothing ever as simple Or as self-determined As putting a hand To the Plow

Or seeds to The furrow Where dirty working hands Washed one another Clean.

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When all else fails Lord help me ___________________ Find my way Back Across open

Fields To the main Road Back to a place I swear I have never Been To a place where The moon looks like A pearl And the sky a polished gray shell, and The sun is Casting steel blue

Shadows Lord help me To find that place with You With her Help me to find my way Back Across the fields of Dreams and detours People, places and things I have survived, but not bested.

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We order pizza Ray told me ___________________ That I could Fatten up my squirrels With raisins

That they would be Particularly sweet Fat And tasty …

But, truth be known It would take At least 3 To make a decent Sandwich And that would really not make a dent in The local population …

So to be honest

I would save a few more Tomatoes & squash, and Not have as many Furry four-legged birds At the feeder So, as lip-smacking as it sounds It would just not Be right … right?

And hey, it may save me A couple slices of bread For roasted turkey or glazed ham..

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When all else fails

As he hung ___________________ On the porch railing At the market I felt Disgust I think With him and With me: He did not want Our food

And I was absolutely not Interested In giving him my Money So, he went on To the next table And the next Table Still peering through The black wrought iron Bars separating us ...

Tho we are not truly Separated

From the knowledge That we Are Our brother’s keeper.

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We order pizza I used to find them ___________________ On windshields and radiators Stuck by the impact And fried

To a crisp Wings often embossed By the fins Sometimes discolored By the heat And rush, the intake Of wind But nevertheless Suitable for Framing Pinned lifeless And spread eagle So to speak On clean White board …

Names on tiny slips Of paper Calling out Butterfly Beetle

Hornet Moth common names, genus and species Still dead as doornails Killed by progress.

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When the man ___________________ In the black coat Turned What did he Turn to Or turn from?

Robert Bly will know But he died A couple of years ago So I read the poem Snowbanks North of the House

In full And it seems that He pivoted in the dust And did not Climb the hill Which seems so much More than prophecy But less than A certainty The man in the black coat Lost his will Lost his child and wife And chose not To return to the darkness But to go back down Through the other valley of darkness To seek pure light, to heal In the meadow by moving waters.

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Sometimes ___________________ We attempt to read So much into Poems and literature In general That words no longer resonate ...

For their beauty alone For the concrete arrangement Of images like flagstones Winding over and through The page, or Stories like gangplanks That we willingly step off of Into a deeper place; Or …

There is no story at all Nothing that Makes us feel like a question Has been answered

Or asked …

We have become so politically sensitive That our politic is like a dull Pair of scissors Scissors that can no longer Hack the appropriate words Out of old yellowed magazines To paste up a threatening note To our children’s children: Write so your children can read, understand And imagine … or go extinct!.

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When all else fails

I have always considered ___________________ Myself If not a devout pacifist Not a warrior, either But the bombing Of a children’s Hospital In Ukraine Broke my heart In ways That surprised even Me …

I realize that The Major Prophet Isaiah Proclaimed that we Will see God judge the nations, and

That in response [They] shall beat their swords into Ploughshares And spears into pruning Hooks But my heart screams Louder than the mortar fire, “Before that time comes Take your last unbeaten swords And defend innocent Blood!”

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We order pizza

[Isaiah 2:4] He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide disputes for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore.

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The author lives in Ohio with his wife Rebecca and their 4 cats.

Other works of Sean’s can also be found on the ISSUU website; they include, …

In the Beginning: a study on the Gospel of John Diet of a Madman: a collection of poetry Thomas: The Gospel of Thomas researched The Voice God Gave Me: Meditations for a Year and … Various photo collections

Copyright 2023

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