Distorter 2014

NEW SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF STUDENT AFFAIRS CRACKS DOWN ON STUDENT AFFAIRS Pg. 7

RIT MOVES TO OCTESTERS Pg. 16

WEEDS OF THE WORLD Pg. 17

APRIL 2014 reporter.rit.edu

We’ve recently rennovated.

INTERIM EDITOR IN CHIEF Shelly Obama EXECUTIVE EDITOR Mark Stevowitz COPY EDITOR Optimus Prime

RIT’S ADMINISTRATION EVALUATION Time to fill out your mid-semester evaluation for the RIT administration!

Please take care to answer the questions honestly and thoughtfully. Be assured that your answers will not be kept confidential. Submit at your own risk.

NEWS EDITOR Fidelity Castro LEISURE EDITOR Abel Branler FEATURES EDITOR Miss Terry SPORTS EDITOR Sokra Tease VIEWS EDITOR Sokra Tease WRITERS Abel Branler, Fidelity Castro,

Phaelic Cummings, Hard-Hearted Hannah, Mnenosyne, Optimus Prime, Dan Shrike, Sakra Tease, Justin Tokings, Claetus Underwood, Hugh G. Whang

Name: Birthday: RIT ID Number: Social Security Number: Blood Type:

Please indicate on the scale how you feel about the following: My tuition money is being well spent Intersession was way too short There are not enough fountains on campus I love the semester system!

The Innovation Center is extremely useful

Strongly Disagree Strongly Disagree Strongly Disagree Strongly Disagree Strongly Disagree

Very Strongly Disagree Very Strongly Disagree Very Strongly Disagree Very Strongly Disagree Very Strongly Disagree

ART ART DIRECTOR Kookie DESIGN DIRECTOR Gayle Eberhardt STAFF DESIGNERS Madame Whiskers

Catvallero, Monica Lewinsky, Anastasia Nikolaevna, Nigel Green CONTRIBUTING ILLUSTRATORS Ireneka

Dubenski, Harry Philpotter, Shnifdorfler Tinkleflannigan

PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTO EDITOR Arugala Kale CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Spider-Man

BUSINESS BUSINESS MANAGER Shuga Mama

What is your overall rating of the administration?

A. Appalling B. Abhorrent C. Abominable D. “What a bunch of [@3%#*#]!”

What is your favoRITe thing about RIT? A. Late night walks in the forest B. Stealing food from Gracie’s C. The plentiful sunshine D. The plethora of fun, outgoing, attractive students Given these three administrators, select one for each category. No repeats. Choose Wisely: Baby-mamma/Sugar daddy, one night stand, marriage material A. President Wrestler: B. Dr. Rolls Royce-Barshee: C. SG presidential candidate Batman: Thank you for taking the time to fill out this evaluation. Please return all evaluations to the office of Dr. Wrestler in the Eastman building.

AD / PR MANAGER Joe Mummuh PRODUCTION MANAGER Steve Twerkle

ONLINE WEB PROJECT MANAGER Hugh G. Whang BACK END DESIGNER Max Dangler

Editor’s Note: Distorter is not responsible for any deleterious consequences that may arise from the submission of this evaluation. Please do so at your own risk. May we suggest: a full coat of armor, an umbrella, a tank of poisonous jellyfish, a good pair of running shoes, and copy of your first amendment rights.

P.S. This is our annual edition of the Distorter.

P.P.S If you become offended at any point please send a letter to the editor to the Distorter office.

It will promptly be submitted to the round file.

Enjoy!

ADVISOR Your Mother PRINTING Your Grandmother CONTACT 585.475.2212

Please Recycle

Reporter Magazine is published monthly during the academic year by a staff comprised of students at Rochester Institute of Technology. Business, Editorial and Design facilities are located in Room A-730, in the lower level of the Campus Center. Our phone number is 1.585.475.2212. Thanks for the year-long shebang, we out here. Love you Beau BFF.” K.E. “You smell like f lowers and sunshine.” A.J. “That’s how I get laid.” L.N.The Advertising Department can be reached at 1.585.475.2213. The opinions expressed in Reporter do not necessarily ref lect those of the Institute. Letters to the Editor may also be sent to reporter@rit.edu. Reporter is not responsible for materials presented in advertising areas. No letters will be printed unless signed. All letters received become the property of Reporter. Reporter takes pride in its membership in the Associated Collegiate Press and American Civil Liberties Union. Copyright © 2013 Reporter Magazine. All rights reserved. No portion of this Magazine may be reproduced without prior written permission.

Choose Your Own

TABLE OF CONTENTS You wake up in a room you do not know.

You do not remember your name. In fact, your whole life is a blur, but then again you can’t remember the meaning of the word life.

All you remember is sitting on a bus surrounded by screeching creatures. You panic. It is so dark and so quiet. Was that a bus to hell? Probably. You reach inside your pocket to find

a. An evacuation notice which states that due to riots caused

by RIT’s decision to switch to Octesters, administrators have decided to put the school on lockdown (pg. 16)

b. A phone with text messages from someone names Rings.

That’s an odd name. Based on the responses, they don’t seem too intelligent. (pg. 23)

You walk out of the room and find yourself in an apartment with creaking walls and iced over windows. You decide to search for clues. The bookshelf with a whole two books seems like a good place to start. You pick up the book titled:

a. Natural Harvest, a cookbook of semen based recipes. You are disgusted, but alarmingly curious. There isn’t time for this now. (pg. 10)

b. From Bus to Park. The first few pages are full of nothing but sex. Intriguing: yes, useful: probably not. You rip out a page and save it for later. (pg. 11)

You move to the television set up in the middle of the room. You turn it on. Static blasts forth. The silence shatters. You quickly change the channel to:

a. Channel 1: RIT Olympics. The current event is a gladiator battle between Tall Saul and Taller Saul. Certainly fun but not exactly productive. (pg. 9)

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b. Channel 2: A show called At Your Leisure. After watching a man play a banjo while dictating random facts to you for three straight hours, you decide you have had enough (pg. 15)

Next to the TV, on a table slanted towards the center with a pool of alcohol collecting, you find a folder, in which are two syllabuses for two courses. You decide to read through the entirety of the syllabus for:

a. Weeds of World. Well, you have always thought of yourself as cultural, it would really be a shame if you missed this opportunity. (pg. 17)

b. Walking 101: Why would they need this course, unless, have you been doing it wrong the whole time? You decide once this is all over you are going to sign up for the class. (pg. 22)

After exploring for several more seconds, you hear a noise coming from below: A horrible groaning sound and the faint echo of scratchy music. You head down the cracking steps to the basement to find:

a. A pile of grease and regret, and also a garbage plate. At least your hangover’s about to get better. You read the copies of Reporter and leave the garbage plate, heading back upstairs. (pg. 1)

b. A man with a banjo skinning a tiger. He is whispering softly: “You will be worshipped like a god new SpiRIT.” You get a weird murder vibe and decide to leave. (pg. 18)

The labyrinth never ends. You spin around in circles. Who are you? Where are you? You hear a knock at the door. Nerves crawl up your spin. You answer the door to find:

a. A bus driver, asking you to sign their petition to get the Guinness Book of World Records to accept their record of most bus stops missed in a single route. A strange thing to be proud of for sure; but why deny someone their dream? You sign the petition. (pg. 14)

b. Batman. He is apparently campaigning for SG president and seeking your support. He gives you a pin with a bat on it and you sign his petition. Finally, a good candidate for SG. (pg. 19)

You walk outside. In the fresh air of a beautiful cloudy Rochester day, it all comes back to you. You are an RIT student: stressed, miserable and all, and you have a hearing in 10 minutes with the Office of Student Conduct because:

a. The Senior Vice President is cracking down on student affairs and well, you’re not as innocent as everyone thinks. At least that’s all you can say legally. (pg.7)

b. You tried to climb the sentinel. But to be fair, you were just curious about the anatomical workings of the beast. (pg. 8)

You barely made it through. But you did make it. Congratulations.

You solved the mystery and passed the test. You want to celebrate, but because this is RIT you still have eight more hours of class that day. You arrive five minutes late to find you’re the third person there. Your friend is already there, waiting to cheer you up with:

a. An in-class drinking game and a thermos full of “coffee”. You decide to start the party early. You take a swig of the drink. (pg. 12)

You wake up in a room you do not know.

b. A stack of embarassing photos of people reacting to Rumors on the Street and a tall drink to make it all the more fun. You take a swig of the drink. (pg. 20)

cover illustration by Shnifdorfler Tinkleflannigan

5

! m o r P

SATURDAY, MAY 3 GORDON FIELD HOUSE TICKETS = $30

In 2004,the Princeton Review rated RIT as the least likely place to have sex, period.

NEW SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF STUDENT AFFAIRS

CRACKS DOWN ON STUDENT AFFAIRS

by Optimus Prime | design by Anastasia Nikolaevna

THE PEOPLE

“Student affairs really got out of hand these past couple of years,” Interim Senior Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Rolls Royce-Barshee explained.

“I remember when we had only 10 or 20 [student affairs activities] per year. Now it seems like we have closer to 17,000.”

He said it was partially the fault of his own agency. “In retrospect, handing out free condoms to freshmen at the beginning of the year was …… actively detrimental to our cause of lowering the worrisome rate of [student affairs].”

Standing outside Gleason hovel’s thatch-wall, Center for Residence Life Director Mavis Baglaw explained the Condom Initiative. “We want to keep the student body distracted, so they’re not going out [fornicating with] every human they see.” He went on to explain that he and the rest of the Res Life team had thought they were handing out “lovely little round, individually packaged, banana-flavored candies” and not at all the very tools of “purity destruction” Baglaw said his office generally tried to exorcise.

“We do our best,” he said, “with frequent RA room-raids, placing as few people in singles as possible, and mandatory abstinence indoctrination video lessons. But sometimes, it can be hard to fight the unstoppable tide of student affairs on this campus.”

Distorter wanted to know how well these policies were working. We obtained an interview with an anonymous student. “Yes, my name’s Sarah Ford,” said the third year Public Relations student, “But I don’t want anyone to know that.”

The anonymous student, who lives in Riverhole 895B, explained her personal

experience with Student Affairs. “I have a boyfriend,” she said, “but that doesn’t stop me from having affairs.” She clarified as we changed positions on her twin bed.

When asked whether she felt that Student Affairs had had any impact on her affairs, she said she had found it only minimally effective. “Sure, I go to all the events they host. But I still find plenty of time to have affairs.” She started pulling her pants on. “That was fun,” she said, “but I’ve got to get to the [Center for Religious Life].

They’ve got a spaghetti dinner tonight!”

THE NUMBERS

In 2006, the female/male ratio at RIT was 3:7. Just one year later, it had moved up to 4:6, but the engineering classes were still 1:5. Each year, President Wrestler pushes us closer and closer to an equal ratio, and each year the struggle to combat Student Affairs becomes more difficult.

With the rise of ratio equality and sexand orientation-positive initiatives from the Center for Women and Gender, RIT is quickly becoming one of the biggest hotspots for student affairs nationally. In 2004, the Princeton Review rated RIT as the least likely place to have sex, period. But only ten years later, we’ve moved all the way up to spot number 86 on their list of “100 best colleges to find a fuckbuddy you’ll never tell your significant other about.”

The most telling statistic may be the drop in attendance at Royce-Barshee’s antistudent-affairs events. While nine thousand students packed into Ingle Auditorium for I Heart Female Orgasm earlier this year, two students were busying themselves at the Abstinence Belt Giveaway at the Red Barn.

“Honestly,” said first year Softbread Engineering major Tom McManson, “I was

just there for free climb. I already had two boyfriends at the time. Don’t tell them, though!”

THE INITIATIVE

Besides the sub-optimally attended Abstinence Belt Giveaway, the division for Student Affairs always has events going on around campus. “It’s our way of making sure students are too busy to be having sex,” Royce-Barshee explained, echoing Baglaw’s assessment. “We have FreezeFest, ThawFest, SecondFreezeFest, SummerFest, BlizzardFest - all in one week!”

Other busying activities include Sentinel Worship, wherein students are mandated [editors note: typo - should read “strongly encouraged”] to bow in front of the Most Holy Hunk Of Shit (MHHOS) for four to six hours a day. “We listen,” said reverend and second year Cultist major Robert Paulson, “and the MHHOS speaks. The MHHOS speaks, and we obey. We obey, and Pi Quad falls.” The crowd chanted in unison: “So speaketh the sentinel.” At this point, Paulson was elbowed by Royce-Barshee, standing nearby. “Also, the sentinel says don’t have extrarelational sex.”

In summation, the division for Student Affairs is moving (more or less) as one, with a singular goal: to wipe out student affairs on campus. Royce-Barshee said it best:

“Stop [not] having sex outside your relationships. Say yes to [a lack of] abstinence. Hey! Stop ...quoting me! Distorter is [really just the best publication]! Get out of my office! Security! [Get this journalist another milkshake.]”

7

AN ABRIDGED HISTORY

of the

SENTINEL

by Hugh G. Whang | design by Kookie

The RIT skyline used to look quite different. There was an empty space between Clark Gym and the SAU. This space would eventually be home to the largest piece of statuary on any college campus in North America: the Sentinel.

The Sentinel was the byproduct of a former RIT professor, Albert “Big Al” Parslei, famed sculptor turned paleontologist. Big Al joined the RIT faculty in the late 1960s as a professor of sculpting and design. The first two decades of his tenure at RIT were relatively humdrum. But soon, all that would change.

On June 11, 1993 Big Al and his close friend former RIT President Albert “Bertie” Simpson saw the midnight release of Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. The film awoke a deep interest that had been living inside of Big Al since he was a child, a love for dinosaurs. In conjunction with Simpson, Big Al was able to charter funding from the Hollywood Directors’ Guild and the Steven Spielberg School for Jurassic Research was born. As a charter member of the school, Big Al was immediately promoted to the role of department chair.

Using the strong intuition of a sculptor, Big Al had to decide where to begin the Jurassic Institute’s first big dig. “Taking the advice of Toucan Sam, I decided to follow my nose which led me to look in the most obvious of places, right under RIT.” Up until 2003 there was a large underground passageway connecting the residential to the academic tunnels.

Unfortunately for the tunnel, this was the first location of Big Al’s dig.

In 1997, Big Al and his team of paleontologists spent months digging up the Quarter Mile between the academic and residential sides of campus. Big Al didn’t unearth a single fossil and was promptly

8

dismissed, disbanding the School for Jurassic Research. His project left the institute so far in debt that officials turned to former University of Maryland Provost Dr. William Wallace Wrestler for financial assistance.

Wrestler agreed to pay off the institute’s debt providing that he was paid back by 2007. If RIT failed to do so, the institute was contractually obligated to oust Bertie Simpson as president and install Wrester in his place. Additionally, the institute would be required to transition to semesters by the year 2013.

The institute was out of debt but had to deal with the large amount of metal shards unearthed by Big Al during his excavation. They carted it off to an unused corner of campus where it lay forgotten until 2003.

It was at that time that Simpson realized there was no way for the institute to pay off its debts to Wrestler. He reached out to Big Al once again in hope that he could help.

Big Al decided the best way to thwart Wrestler was to build a statue so large and ugly that no man would want to view it from his office window. The institute, while out of debt, was in a spending freeze. With no money to purchase materials for his proposed monstrosity, Big Al turned to the very pile of metal shards he unearthed years earlier.

In a matter of months Big Al welded the scrap together and the Sentinel was born.

However, Wrestler was a man with an innovative imagination who loved a rousing game of make-believe. He was excited to have the sculpture outside his window, pretending he was guarding a castle from a big metal knight riding a horse.

He took over as president and the rest is history.

THE BATTLE OF THE SAULS: AN OLYMPIC TALE OF TALLNESS

by Claetus Underwood | design by Anastasia Nikolaevna

The Gordon Field House was filled wall to wall by spectators hoping to view the opening ceremony to the Modern GrecoRoman Olympic Games, held at RIT for the second time since the organization’s creation in 1903. As the flame lit the field, the RIT Olympic team marched in with bagpipes a-blowing, trading their standard orange and brown stripes for the rustic RIT Brick Red. This year, the team was led by Tall Saul, one of the competitors in this year’s most anticipated event: the Gladiatorial Arena.

The Gladiatorial Arena, where student competitors are pitted against each other in vicious and deadly trials, was removed after SpiRIT the tiger mascot was skinned alive when RIT first hosted the games in 1964. The sudden comeback of the event is thanks to a surprising challenge from a competitor from the South Henrietta Institute of Technology (SHIT), RIT’s most resilient competition in the games for decades. Not wishing to be out done by RIT’s Student Government President, explorers from the SHIT set out across the globe to find a Saul that was indeed taller and more Saul than Tall Saul could ever hope to be.

By no coincidence, SHIT’s Olympic Team was led by Taller Saul, said to eclipse Tall Saul by over an eighth of an inch and to have only a first name. Things heated up quickly as the SHIT Tigresses crowed the field in their yellow-red and dark tan stripes, ready for the games to begin.

RIT and SHIT paced each other throughout the early events, as RIT took the Gold in Longboarding and Scooter Racing for the first time in Olympic history. When asked to comment, President Wrestler cited the nonstop training on the Quarter Mile for the students’ success in these events.

On the fifth day of the games, the Gladiatorial Arena had begun and

the Sauls met face to face for the first time. With new revisions to the rules, the Arena consisted of five Trials of Tallness, beginning with reaching things from high shelves and ending with reverse door hurdles. Once the trials are completed, the victor may have first choice of weapons in a Coliseum Battle Royale.

Near the end of the reverse door hurdles, it seemed that Taller Saul might have had victory in his hand until a surprising last minute sprint by Tall Saul pushed him in the lead. Having chosen a simple Sword and Shield as his weapons, Tall Saul strode to the middle of the field. Not to be outdone, Taller Saul selected a Tall Sword and Tall Shield to serve him in combat – the ancestral arms of his people.

The battle began, sword to tall sword at near blinding speeds with sounds of thunder and clashes of lightning breaking through the air with each meeting. Their movements were calculated and precise, so much so that the Sauls seemed almost evenly matched, but the wear on Tall Saul was obvious: if he wouldn’t end the battle soon, it may have been his last.

As everyone began to think that, just maybe, taller was better, the two warriors each called upon the Great Saul, patron saint of Tallness for the speed to land one last blow. Tall Saul took advantage of the superior height of his opponent, ducking Taller Sauls swing and stomping on his toes. SHIT’s warrior collapsed to the ground, and just like that, Tall Saul proved that no Saul is too Tall or too Saul for him to conquer. “Those who are tallest,” he said there in the fields of the arena, “have the furthest to fall.”

He paused, breathing in the crisp Rochester air, brandishing his sword. “Except for me. Vote Tall Saul and Dick.”

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NATURAL HARVEST REVIEW Cookbook / Semen Based Recipes by Photenhauer

by Phaelic Cummings | design by Monica Lewinsky

S

alty or sweet, Rochester is rediscovering what is perhaps the world’s most underappreciated cooking ingredient.

With millions of gallons produced every year in homes across America, this ingredient is abundant, safe and too-often wasted. Of course, I’m talking about semen and the hit recipe book, Natural Harvest, that’s taking the world by storm. A uthor Photenhauer’s wildly successful cookbook has inspired millions of chefs, but does it live up to the hype?

Like many ingredients, semen has an unfortunate history of being taboo. The book’s opening is dedicated to expressing the benefits of semen and why it should be an ingredient on every American family’s dinner table saying “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a palatable texture and wonderful cooking properties.”

It would be a shame if people were turned off by semen’s reputation. Fortunately, Natural Harvest excels at selling its enticing recipes.

When you’ve overcome the hesitation of cooking with semen, the next hurdle is acquiring it. Unfortunately, conservative food chains have yet to stock this ingredient.

Nevertheless, Photenhauer guides you through the process of sourcing your semen.

Men in particular will benefit from strategies for maximizing volume, improving flavor through dietary changes and storing semen long term. Some critics have questioned the ethics of consuming semen, as many women find themselves incapable of acquiring the ingredient. Photonhauer’s strategies for storage and transport, like regularly depositing semen in a container in the freezer, should alleviate those concerns.

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When you get into the meat of the book, you’ll find a collection of titillating recipes and exotic flavors. The book’s collection of mouth-watering drinks, climactic desserts and hearty dishes is inviting to new and experienced chefs alike. Unfortunately, the selection of recipes is quite limited, with only a few appetizers, drinks, desserts and entrees.

This book is an appetizing introduction to the world of semen, but the availability of recipes outside of this book is limited.

Although Natural Harvest’s recipes will have you begging for more, it’s not without its faults. Unlike many cookbooks, the pages aren’t laminated. One can imagine spilling the ingredients on its pages would be a disaster to clean

(TIP:

)

SHAVING CREAM WORKS WONDERFULLY IF YOU SPILL SOME “CREAM” ON YOUR CLOTHES.

Also, the binding of the book is a little weak. This is disappointing for a book that should be used on a daily basis.

Overall, Natural Harvest is a pleasing and innovative cookbook. With its recipes gracing the tables of five star restaurants and Gracie’s alike, maybe it’s time for you to join in on the fun. Only minor physical faults hold back this otherwise stunning book. This book is a must-have, especially if you regularly cook for others.

FROM BUS TO PARK Book / Erotica by Bentmagpie

by Abel Branler | design by Monica Lewinsky

Bentmagpie, laureate writer of cream of the crop erotic novels such as “Gropes ‘n’ Roses” and “Vanessa’s Revenge,” has now released his coup de grace, “From Bus to Park.”

The title, while immediately confusing, gradually leads you into the underlying genius of this tale: it is a tragedy.

Our mystery protagonist is a tragic hero who is supposed to represent the everyday man. While on the bus, the man finds that he turns intangible when making contact with a woman’s derriere. Now invisible, his entire being is corrupted by this power, which grants him a full understanding of what women would want out of a bus ride: his dick.

“Your face is flushed, we are breathing on each other’s necks, I can smell your shampoo and soap from your morning shower...”

With his senses heightened, the protagonist gains a knack for understanding the past. From here, he knows the missteps and weaknesses of the woman from several years prior. Having access to this knowledge troubles the protagonist only for a few seconds, as he wants in a quickie to satisfy himself. Immediately you notice the protagonist’s inner dilemma: not only can’t he control his inner desire but worse, no one on the bus even cares due to his intangibility. He is erotica’s answer to Frankenstein’s Monster – a human creature without restraint or understanding of his new power, much to the dismay of most attractive women on his bus route.

The heroine is the aloof and unexpected participant in this tale. Entangled in the spell of the seemingly villainous protagonist, she also loses control of her very being, now under a trance. After a brief round of intercourse, the heroine suddenly gains a robotic ability to pinpoint the nearest and presumably most secluded place to continue their hypnotic, coital ritual.

“And then with a rush the bus stops, you grab me by the hand and lead me through the crowd to get off. This isn’t even my stop, but I don’t care. ... all I, and my swollen [penis], care about is letting you take me where you want so you can do what you want with me.”

The true strength of “From Bus to Park” is its ambiguity.

The main characters are never identified at all, leading to a type of immersion not possible in most characterdriven stories. You are the man with this untimely burden to turn invisible and can’t stop fornicating in the public space. You are the woman who seems to have lost your will and resort to gulping of suspicious genetic material.

The result of “From Bus to Park” is a satisfying albeit drawn out climax of a story. When they finish their sexual deviancy, an act against society and circumstance, they become visible once more. The hero and heroine are finally satiated but equally tortured by internal anguish with the events that transpired. The man has realized what he has done but understands that nothing can change, much like an earthquake during a night of makeup coitus. The woman is dazed but in pleasure, unsure of her newfound love machine. While the protagonist never recovers from his affliction, at least he had found a penetration playmate.

11 11

R T O E T R S I D In-Class’S

If your professor says quarters instead of semesters, take a DRINK.

If your professor has some sort of technical trouble, take a DRINK.

If as a result of this technical trouble someone makes a comment or joke about RIT being a technical school, finish your DRINK.

12

If your professor just reads off the slideshow, take a DRINK.

In honor of all of the boring classes that the RIT students have had to take DISTORTER offers you this drinking game. Take a seat in the back, buy a solid colored water bottle and get ready for the most interesting class of your life.

by Fidelity Castro | design by Kookie

If someone packs up before class is over, take a DRINK.

Take a DRINK every time a student walks in late.

If you teacher calls on someone and they clearly weren’t paying attention, take a DRINK.

Take a DRINK for every animerelated item in the classroom.

Take a DRINK for every person falling asleep.

Take a DRINK for every student you see on Facebook.

If the teacher notices that they are asleep, finish your DRINK.

If someone’s watching porn or Netflix, finish your DRINK.

13

RECORD SETTING SHUTTLES

by Dan Shrike | illustration by Ireneka Dubenski | design by Gayle Eberhardt In the biting night air of Rochester, a new racing legend has begun.

Born not from the burnt rubber and spectacle of a racetrack, these speed demons hide in plain sight: our bus drivers. Their rise to the spotlight and unconventional racing style has become a thorn in the sides of both students and administration.

Rochester’s underground bus racing has been steadily gaining notoriety for its time trial racing during actual bus routes. With maintaining speed so important to lap times, this sub-group of RGRTA employees, known as the Fast and the FuRI(T)ous, has taken to a ‘creative’ interpretation of public transport: skipping route stops. This has caused noticeable backlash on campus and among the student body. As one anonymous student said, “It’s unthinkable!

I have to walk to class? That’s fifteen whole minutes of sleep lost!”

These races affect the daily lives of campus safety as well. “Oh yup, those bus drivers just off load the work onto us,” claimed Mr. Wright, a public safety officer. “We’re about to double the officers guarding the Quarter Mile, with the inf lux of bicyclists this is causing.”

But RIT’s bus drivers would argue that these efforts are worth it in the name of the race. Of this new breed of racer, the current champion is Randal Cooper, a driver since 2012. Newly crowned for the 2014 spring semester, Cooper’s winning run took place on March 1, starting from Gleason Circle at 8:26 p.m. Reaching a blistering 30 mph before exiting the starting area, Cooper’s time was set by skipping a record fourteen unique stops. Cooper’s only stop was dropping off a sole passenger halfway through. Overall, the run

14 16

Leisure | March 2014

took 34 minutes and 5 seconds, crushing the previous record of 40 minutes and 34 seconds. Distorter was lucky enough to interview Cooper on one of his lengthy breaks in the Saunders building.

Cooper had to plan his record setting route carefully. “I’d been out there for weeks in the cold. I was trying to find the best timeslot to take. You’ve got to consider stoplights, drunk drivers, police patterns, the works.”

Cooper’s drive to compete came from fear of the losing penalty.

“With the races, it’s become tradition to have the slowest driver assigned to the drunk bus for a semester. Those kids make it a nightmare,” said Cooper. Early in his tenure, he was the driver for the first drunk bus. “I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes, hearing drunken sing-alongs.”

According to him, each bus route is considered its own track. Each has its differences, but the biggest event is the late night Weekend Shuttle, the race he just won. “It’s hands down the best loop we have.

Interesting streets, speedbumps, the faster roads and more stops, makes for higher stakes” said Cooper. The route is longer, and the night run sees much fewer cars on the road. “When it’s clear out there, and I’m out on Jefferson, I can hit upwards of forty miles an hour in my bus,” said Cooper, smiling.

“I don’t mean to disrespect the daytime and weekday routes, but there’s no comparison to the weekend run. The other routes, they see what, one stoplight at worst? Ridiculous,” scoffed Cooper. “Even worse, there’s no way to avoid picking up passengers, and we all know they just slow you down.”

AYL

At Your Leisure

by Abel Branler | design by Gayle Eberhardt

Word of the Month Fomo: an acronym meaning “fear of missing out.”

Sentence: Todd’s fomo went full swing when a drunken brawl started on the drunk bus.

Signs Your Roommates Are Impeccably Clean 1. The carpet floor is gloriously adorned with misfit food and week old snacks. A carpet feast is an honorable activity.

2. Your kitchen sink is considered a beautiful vista known as a dish kingdom. Not many are able to witness such artistry and finesse as a dish kingdom, which is vastly superior to a plate duchy.

3. The apartment is home to a wonderful museum that walks us through the food you have scarfed or partially eaten. This museum is commonly referred to as a fridge.

4. The lack of common cleaning utilities like Clorox, toilet cleaner and others showcases your roommates’ dedication to reusing their wardrobe to save precious clean water. Filth can never collect on their for they are a hearty people.

5. A Viking funeral is held every time a plate has been used to the point of being too worn and caked with food.

order to get a feel for how to pass these psych tests. Also consider bothering your Psychology major friends to help you come across as a legitimate psychopath.

Lastly, if all else fails, consider just not showing up at all. The professor may fully understand your current predicament. When I have skipped class successfully, I usually get the response “Well, Abel isn’t here today. He must be doing Wrestler’s work some place, maybe he could be researching the famed RIT brick mines.” Or they might just not care. Regardless, this is a skill that is worth honing, especially at the crazy, barren wasteland that is RIT.

Quote of the Month: “You have to look deep down and come to the conclusion, wow it would be nice if I stayed home and gave grandma a sponge bath.”

– No One Ever

Distorter Recommends: Skipping Class You wake up in the morning, hangover level at 11, and realize class is an issue for you now. Rather than enter society in a half sober stupor, have you considered skipping your classes?

When done just right, it is the tactic that will save both your reputation and your grades. First things first, you need to consider strategically what the best excuse should be used in order to successfully get a carte blanche for your pillow.

Weather delays are a common fail safe excuse especially for Rochester. Clearly, with the smallest amount of snow comes the greatest risk.

The next best excuse of course is to plead insanity and undergo psychological tests. In preparation for this task, be sure to watch “The One That Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest” multiple times in

15 15

RIT Moves to

OCTESTERS

by Sokra Tease | design by Gayle Eberhardt

“RIT’s change to semesters has been a complete shit show,” said President Wrestler. Since the beginning of the first semester in August 2013, nearly 40 percent of RIT students have failed out. The Semester Solution Task Force was put into action in early December 2013 in order to propose a solution to The Semester Problem.

Due to the overwhelming number of struggling students, RIT Provost Sir Jim Cricket has decided to officially wipe the 2013-2014 academic year from existence. All traces of the semester system will be destroyed and all current plans will be abandoned. Students will retake all of the material that was covered in semesters on a brand new octester system.

Senior Vice President of RIT Financial Issues Dr. Barry Plump explained that RIT students will be refunded their tuition for the year. “We had an alarming volume of phone calls coming from Long Island mothers,” he said. “They were concerned about how RIT was planning to correct the wrong done to their precious children and rightly so. The financial team has approved the refunding of tuition as well as coverage for any health issues students have suffered due to our mistake.”

This new octester system was created by the Semester Solution Task Force and has been approved by President Wrestler, Provost Cricket and Institute Council. The system will have eight terms of two different types with one week of break separating each individual term. The model is as follows.

Six consecutive terms will begin the last full week of August.

16

Features | March 2014

These terms will consist of five and a half weeks of classes and one half week of exams. A 5 credit minimum per term will be set for full-time students.

There will be two terms during the summer months, following the regular academic terms. These terms will follow the format of three and a half weeks of classes and one half week of exams. The summer terms will be mostly supplemental and students will not be allowed to take more than five credits per term.

The institute will not be closed for any days other than the weeks between terms. The octester system does not allow for instances such as holidays or snow days. Students who miss class for health, religious or any other purposes will be asked to pay their remaining tuition fees and leave RIT for good.

Dick Toonasamic, Student Government vice president, publicly voiced his support of the system along the Quarter Mile. “Octesters are going to be great,” he said. “We won’t need to worry about remembering more than, like, five weeks of material at a time, we won’t need to celebrate religious holidays and we’ll have a full 10 weeks of summer vacation. I can’t believe we didn’t come up with this sooner.”

The task force plans to survey students from Illinois, Indiana, Idaho and Iowa in April 2014 to determine how the student population at RIT feels about the change to octesters. No matter the results, the change is scheduled to be implemented for the 2014-2015 academic year.

WEEDS of the WORLD

by Justin Tokings | illustration by Nigel Green | design by Kookie

Beginning in the 2014 fall semester, RIT will host a new Hospitality course called “Weeds of the World.”

With the rise in bills passed for the decriminalization of weed and the recent vote against a total smoking ban on campus, various businesses have begun to incorporate weed into their market. Hookah bars, glassware shops and now even hotels have started to set up what they call Cannabis Cafés.

The course will be taught by RIT graduate and Yale University dropout Dr. Giorgio Corraleone.“The focus of this class will be to gain a positive education and awareness on the effects and uses of cannabis,” explained Corraleone while giggling, “along with smoking as many different kinds as we can.”

Students are required to bring several items to each class which include: one piece of glassware, a grinder, a pack of rolling papers, drinks (preferably water), a notebook, a lighter and a pack of matches. From there students will learn and sample various strands from all around the world, while discussing their effects, our place in the universe and what food to order.

Each class will be held within “hotbox sessions,” where students will learn to control their breathing for the more advanced lessons. Each student will be taught how to select, prepare and serve the various strands of weed.

Further along, students will learn different techniques for smoke rings, different kinds of smoking utensils and how to match foods with specific strands.

Homework will involve bringing home a random class sample, where students will record its effects upon smoking a full bowl. Each student is encouraged to go out and interact with as many people as possible without being too obvious. The class will take a special field trip to Colorado on April 20 to visit the first state that legalized the drug.

The class will double as a prerequisite for philosophy majors and there are hopes to incorporate the class into College of Imaging Arts and Sciences programs, on the grounds that it will help student’s creativity.

“Eventually we’ll add a curriculum that involves growing your own strain,” mentioned Corraleone, “where we’ll use the greenhouse to see just how much our students have learned from the class.”

Opposition to the new course has arisen from overprotective parents and teachers alike. “I won’t have my daughter smoking the devil’s lettuce!” exclaimed Alita Fusets, mother to RIT student Dana Fusets, “The stuff

made my husband have an existential crisis!”

But students have already begun prepping for the class in hopes of getting in.

All around campus, smoke has been spotted from dorm windows and rooftops alike. Students on the quarter mile walk to class with bloodshot eyes, swearing it is just an allergic reaction, while used joints and rolling papers litter the grass. The course has quickly become a school favorite before it has even started.

Registration for the class will open before official registration dates, due to the foreseen traffic of students looking to sign up for it. The class’s schedule is expected to take up to three hours twice a week, but will also host an open lab for students looking to gain extra credit.

“Don’t worry about not making it into the first class,“ said Corraleone. “Time here at RIT is an illusion, just like my pants, the walls and this interview.”

17

Since the tragic passing of SpiRIT, RIT’s live tiger mascot in 1964 and SpiRIT II’s inability to visit campus, the school has yearned for a new tiger. Simply put, Ritchie was not enough for the community. President Wrestler knew what he had to do to provide the best for his students. To answer their prayers, he armed himself with nothing more than a tranquilizer gun and his trusty hunting knife and set out to find SpiRIT the Third.

His quest took him far and wide. From the violent waves of the Atlantic to the burning sands of the Sahara, he journeyed. Sources say he sometimes traveled alone, but those who traveled in his company say he often spoke of his students and always inquired about tiger sightings. He followed empty leads until he reached Myanmar. According to Zeya Myint, a boatman on the Tanitharyi River, “Mr. Wrestler traveled downriver with my crew to Banpyi.”

In the village he met with Thura San, a local man who had seen a young Bengal Tiger in the jungle to the east. After some negotiating, Wrestler convinced Thura to be his guide on his quest. Early the next morning, the two set out for the jungle.

They traveled until they reached the dense grove, but by then, the sun was low in the sky. The two made camp and settled in for a long night. Wrestler stood watch all night.

The adrenaline was pumping too strong for him to sleep. He did not make a sound as he waited for dawn.

“The next morning we marched for miles and when we reached the clearing, the tiger was waiting for us,” said San. Quick as lightning, Wrestler aimed his gun and fired the tranquilizing dart. After the tiger fell,

SpiRIT 3:

WRESTLER RISING

by Mnenosyne | illustration by Harry Philpotter | design by Akshara Chopra

Wrestler carried him back to Banpyi where, according to locals he trained the new SpiRIT to be the perfect mascot. When asked about the experience San said, “I have never met a man like Wrestler. He moves like a man half his age and is completely fearless.”

President Wrestler has since returned from his trip, but without SpiRIT. The tiger

The jungle was silent save for the buzzing of insects and crunching of brush underfoot. A thick

is currently being transported to the United

mist had crept in as the first rays of sunlight pierced the thick canopy, limiting visibility to a

States by boat and will arrive in time for

mere five feet. Two men walked without saying a word, the leader dressed in a white button

the 2014-15 school year. Wrestler declined

down shirt and khakis. His companion was an older man, dressed in the tan clothes of a

to go into details about the journey saying

forgotten time and carrying a large gun over one shoulder. The men trudged through the jungle

only, “RIT deserves the best and I intend to

without looking around, destination clear in their minds. After a time, they entered a clearing

provide it.”

and the first man whispered, “Mr. Wrestler, we’re here.”

18

STUDENTS

STAND BY

BATMAN

by Alyssa Jackson | photograph by Spider-Man | design by Akshara Chopra

Over the past few years of Student Government (SG) President and

he does would be an improvement on SG.

Vice President Elections, an increasing number of students have

“Don’t get me wrong, Tall Saul and Dick have done a great job with

been casting votes for Batman, a well-known comic book character

SG this year,” Batman said. “I mean, we haven’t had an SG shutdown

and protector of Gotham City. For the 2014-15 elections Batman is an

or anything, but what have they done? I don’t need to be present on

official contender for the position of Student Government President.

the campus to do more than pass out free popcorn.”

He was recently approved by President Wrestler himself, who has shown increasing support for this off-campus candidate.

Other students who are not in favor of the superhero presidential candidate have expressed concern that if someone who is involved

“He’s done great work in Gotham City,” Wrestler explained. “How

in fighting so much crime becomes a figure on RIT’s campus, villains

could we not take him seriously? One of our goals with him as Student

will go after the students in retaliation. Batman said in the email

Government President is to completely phase out the need for Public

interview that he is not concerned about this.

Safety, which would potentially save students $10,000 in tuition.”

“I will do everything in my power to protect the students of RIT,” he

Although he has yet to take time off from his night job to campaign

typed passionately. “Absolutely nothing will go through me and get to

on the RIT campus, Batman did state in an email interview that he

the students. I’ve been doing this a long time and I know that I can

is looking forward to this upcoming election season. “I think that in

adequately protect the campus.”

the past it’s been seen as a joke that I’m running for RIT’s student

Even with some student doubt, many students are in favor of

president,” he stated. “This year I’m taking my role seriously though.

this unorthodox president. T-shirts have been made and students

People have emailed me saying that they look up to me. How can I

from the College of Engineering have already begun constructing an

ignore my duty as a role model?”

eco-friendly bat signal to put on the top of Eastman. The signal will

However, opponents of the Batman for President Campaign have

be wind powered in order to take advantage of RIT’s built in wind

suggested that if he hasn’t had time to campaign directly on campus,

tunnels. This supports Batman’s green campaign, which largely

he may not have time to adequately fulfill the extremely difficult job

agrees with Wrestler’s ideals.

of RIT SG President.

In other news, Wayne Enterprises has donated a large sum of money

“Look, it’s a really important job,” said RIT’s current SG President,

to go toward a new bat shaped fountain. Wrestler denies any rumors

Tall Saul. “There are meetings every week and we have to talk to

that this may be the reason for his support of Batman’s campaign.

students. I mean the individual who is speaking for our students has

Construction for the fountain, which will replace the Sentinel, will

to at least be here.”

begin in summer of 2014.

Batman responded to these concerns by stating that any work that

19

RUMOR STREET ON THE

photography by Arugala Kale | design by Monica Lewinsky

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RIT ANNOUNCING IT’S CHANGIN G TO OCTESTERS FOR THE 2014-2 015 ACADEMIC YEAR? “I feel like that would be useless.”

T IS MAKING DO YOU THINK RI CE IN DELAYING THE RIGHT CHOI ION OF THE THE CONSTRUCT ?

TER UNTIL 2020 POLISSENI CEN haunted…

I heard it’s “I think so. sounds ky oo sp ar You can he e ng down th e an while walki om it. It’s lik fr ile m r te quar sound.” ‘oooohing’

WHAT REASONS HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT PRESIDENT DESTLER’S RESIGNATION? “I heard he had a freshman girlfriend and his 4th year girlfriend got jealous.”

-Kasimir Braxton, first year, Electrical Engineering

20 20

Features | March 2014

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RIT ANNOUNCING IT’S CHANGIN G TO OCTESTERS FOR THE 2014-2 015 ACADEMIC YEAR? “Eight finals… I would jump from my apartment ’s roof.”

T IS MAKING DO YOU THINK RI CE IN DELAYING THE RIGHT CHOI ION OF THE THE CONSTRUCT ?

TER UNTIL 2020 POLISSENI CEN , that’s here in 2020 “I won’t be .” on si ci de not a good ar upta, first ye -Gautame G ience Sc r te pu m Co graduate,

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RIT ANNOUNCING IT’S CHANGIN G TO OCTESTERS FOR THE 2014-2 015 ACADEMIC YEAR? “It’s better than sem esters.

Way better.”

WHAT REASONS HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT PRESIDENT DESTLER’S RESIGNATION?

DO YOU THINK RIT IS MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE IN DELAYING THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE POLISSENI CENTER UNTIL 2020?

“He’s running for governor of New York hoping to make education more affordable.”

“I really don’t care. I’ll be done by then.”

-Rochak Gupta, second year Business

21 21

RIT OFFERS NEW WELLNESS CLASS:

Walking 101 A recent survey shows that 87 percent of students allow a minimum of 15 extra minutes to their daily walk to class due to ignorant students clearly lacking an education on how to walk. In an effort to eliminate these feet dragging dawdlers, the institute has added Walking 101 to their wellness course options.

Jim Mazza, a fifth year Electrical Engineering major, was one of the students who suggested the wellness class to Student Government (SG). “Admittedly, I'm a fast walker; not cardio level, but I move,” he said. “More and more it seems everyone is moving at a near-turtle pace. I don’t know how many times I've been late to class because people are just strolling along. I decided something had to be done.”

Several students shared unpleasant experiences at an open forum about the issue held on March 16. “One day I was walking back from class, and had to pee like a racehorse,” said TJ Binotto, also a fifth year Electrical Engineer. “I was stuck behind a line of four kids walking side by side, and every time I tried to walk past them there were people coming my direction! Once we got past the buildings, I ran around them on the grass and didn’t stop until I got to the bathroom. If I was behind them for a second longer I would not

22

by Hard-Hearted Hannah | illustration by Ireneka Dubenski | design by Kookie

have made it.”

SG President Tall Saul explained that the wellness course has been on the agenda of SG for two years, but that other problems had to be taken care of first. “The original idea was presented to SG two years ago,” Tall Saul said. “It’s been something we needed to get to; it’s just been a busy year. Planning the roast took time, especially because that’s our most popular SG event with approximately 50 students stopping by throughout the day.”

“The leisurely swinging of the hips and/ or sagging of the shoulders is the most time-consuming fragment of struts,” said Jason Kellner, walking specialist and instructor of the wellness course. “The added dragging of feet adds another five to seven minutes, and is often a correlation of texting, walking in large groups or not possessing enough self-awareness.”

The class surveys have shown that many students feel enlightened after finishing the semester, and that they had received compliments on their new normal walking abilities. Brandon Strangman, a fifth year Industrial Engineer, was one of those satisfied students. “I’ve always been a slow walker, but I’ve never really thought anything about it,”

he explained. “Then, the other day I realized I was losing sleep due to my lack of speed. I left at 9:25 a.m. for my 10 a.m. class, and when I got to class I was talking to my friend who left at 9:40 and got to class before me! That’s when I knew I needed help.”

A portion of the class will be dedicated to the traffic patterns designed for the quarter mile. Instructors will clarify that not only are these RIT traffic patterns, but are similar to the United States driving laws as well. For example, you should always walk on the right side of the path. A recent survey collected

by Interim Senior Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. Rolls Royce-Barshee showed that most complaints lodged against slow walkers stated that the slow walker was from a foreign country, most often Canada, making this part of the course important.

“We understand that this is a serious problem for students and we’re passionate about taking measures that will help resolve this issue,” Royce-Barshee stated. “This will increase the efficiency of the campus as a whole and we will be able to continually expand the campus to include more buildings without having to increase the time allotted to walk to campus.”

RINGS

compiled by Sokra Tease | design by Madame Whiskers Catvallero The opinions expressed are solely those of the students and do not reflect the views of DISTORTER.

3/17/14 9:21 PM

3/17/14 8:23 PM

Need love: Sometimes I go to Java’s when I don’t really want anything and spend my money just so someone friendly will talk to me. 6:37 PM

Slayer: Well, Rings, it’s my senior year and I didn’t get a FreezeFest hat again. You know what that means?

CURBSTOMPS SHALL COMMENCE 12:01 PM

Distorter: Maybe next time you should try the strip club! I hear they’re very friendly there as well. 7:37 PM

Distorter: What happens if SpringFest is just as fruitless? What do we get to see then?? :) 7:40 PM

Need love: God dammit, rings. 7:39 PM

Slayer: STRAIGHT UP ROUNDHOUSE KICKS 7:41 PM

Distorter: Do it, you won’t. Or maybe you will. In that case I’ll see you there ;) 7:51 PM

Distorter: WORD. Maybe you can give me a heads up? I bet I could get some kick-ass photos. 7:49 PM

Need love: This is supposed to be an anonymous system. 8:10 PM

Slayer: Chuck Norris walks alone. 7:54 PM

Need love: Do you know me or something, dickwad?

8:10 PM Distorter: No, friend, I don’t know you. But perhaps we shall meet in Java’s one day. Too bad Rings was hacked by another publication. Muahahahaha! 8:22 PM

Distorter: CHUCK?? Is it really you? OMGOMGOMG <3 I love you so much. Please. Meet me. I’m fan girling so hard. SO HARD. 8:00 PM Slayer: The last person to fangirl over Chuck Norris was the “Virgin” Mary 8:11 PM Distorter: How do you know my name...? 8:20 PM

Need love: You suck. 9:21 PM Slayer: Who do you think named you? 8:23 PM 3/17/14 8:02 PM #AllergicToGrass: These noodles at Crossroads taste like I’m licking the underside of a lawn mower. 12:06 PM Distorter: How often do you lick your lawn mower?

7:38 PM

3/17/14 7:48 PM 3 days ago Miley?: Rings. I think I found out why I’m still single because I twerk for a living. 6:45 PM Distorter: Actually, it’s probably because you can’t do it well. 7:43 PM

#AllergicToGrass: Quite infrequently. 7:38 PM Miley?: Rude! 7:46 PM Distorter: Solid. But, when you do, how would you describe it? Earthy? Herby? Dank? 7:53 PM

Distorter: No, no, it’s ok! Practice makes perfect, boo.

Do your thang. 7:48 PM

#AllergicToGrass: Bitch, I’m allergic to grass. My face swells up. 7:53 PM Distorter: Oh wow! That must make those lawn mower shenanigans rather unpleasant. 8:02 PM

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586.672.4840 23 23

REPORTER’S ALYSSA JACKSON THROW A COUP, TAKE OVER THE REPORTER

KATHRYN EBLE PUBLIC INTOXICATION

RUGILE KALADYTE SNEAKING INTO MEN’S LOCKER ROOM AND TAKING PICTURES

STEVEN MARKOWITZ HARBORING AN ILLEGAL ALIEN

LE NYGUEN - MARKOWITZ MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE

NICOLE HOWLEY PETA COUNTER PROTEST, PUBLIC INDECENCY

JOAN MCDONOUGH HARBORING DRUGS

WILLIAM HIRSH ARSON, SETTING FIRE TO A RIT FOUNTAIN

NATHAN LICHTENSTEIN CYBER-TERRORISM, TAKING DOWN SERVERS

JOESPH JANKOWIAK HACKING INTO DESTLER’S COMPUTER, LEAKING NEW BANJO RAP ALBUM

ZACHERY WALTERS BAR FIGHT

On the run *Artist’s Interpretation

AUTUMN WADSWORTH RIDING BIKE DOWN QUARTER MILE

NATHANIEL MATHEWS PEEKING INTO SECOND STORY WINDOWS

ULISES GONZALEZ COUNTERFEIT

MICHELLE SPOTO MURDER OF THE ENTIRE REPORTER STAFF