Distorter 2020

DISTORTER APRIL 2020 // REPORTER.RIT.EDU

Sol’s Underground Wedding Registry We Support Your College Marriage Before Your Parents Ever Will “I’d give the cookies a perfect 5/7.”

A-mee Wafer Bakery Scientist

riend’s f r u o with y dollars. e t a br Cele ining anyway. d r e v o left them e s u t ’ on They w cks ake *No T

Ba

BOOST YOUR STATS with Esports Therapy RIT’s new program designed to get our professional no-lives into full health!

Benefits Include

• Boost your K/D ratio (literally)!

• Invincible to blue shells!

• Develop sugar tolerance to Mountain Dew.

“RIT’s new program helped me win more games, but won’t help me get a real-life boyfriend.”

Sign up at your nearest gym today!

Physical activities like walking required.

PUNDERWOMAN Gnome Pun Intended SPUD INSPECTOR Rockin’ Ricky Rialto HA. WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? Lilith of house Hell, first of her name, mother of babies and breaker of absent fathers (@ Frankie) COPY EDITOR Mimi Lee THE SALAD THAT’S NEITHER GOOD NOR HEALTHY Anxiety Rabbit PROCRASTINATOR AT LARGE Shy Ronnie AN ENTIRE CIRCUS The Sexiest Fool of All Christendom BIG BROTHER The God Father SUPREME LEADER Smokey Bandit MOUNTAIN BIKING VAMPIRE WITCH FROM THE FUTURE Dr. Ooouzque WORDSMITHS Bent Pencil, False Dmitry V, ICURD, Natas Dorl Ruo, Danny DeVitor’s Pinky Toe, Kasey Mathews, Chet Commason, Anika Griffiths, Shy Ronnie, Bill from Capitol Hill, Anxiety Rabbit, Just Bernice, Hoopnugget, The Sexiest Fool of All Christendom

FART I DON’T LIKE LABELS upsetti spaghetti CRISPY CRISPER malevolent clown LITTLE SISTER Heidi Yerkins PAGESMITHS Double D, Toxic Purr, Follow My DeviantArt Page ROFL XD, Moronic Bravery, Snommunist Propaganda, Princess Peach ARTSMITHS Pinocchio’s Daddy, That’s Showbiz Baby, Buff Grandma, Two Trucks, Stick a Fork in me cuz I’m done, Rat Pee, Converse High Tops

VSCO GRLZ PIXEL PUSHER Bent Pencil IMAGESMITHS Ben Adepoju, Bent Pencil, Expired Yogurt, Shithead (pronounced schuh-theed)

PPL WITH SHOULDER PADS DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? Slick Nick SERIAL KILLER WITH A FUN LITTLE THING A straight up cold mess, Not a hot mess. A cold one.

TECH BROS

KE YBOARD SMASH BY TINY BE ARDED MAN

hey what’s up you guys YES

T h e H o l i e st o f Fo o d s BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

One died of arson, That was Harry Potter.

The fire was so grande It probably felt like slaughter.

The next one was quite wicked, some even called her a witch.

She drank too much slut serum, serves her right, she was a bitch

BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

Another died from food poisoning, Ali, it was she.

Putting ketchup on french toast, she practically OD’d.

Next was dear Miss Keisha, she was a ray of sunshine.

Chlamydia did her in, she’d had that for a long time

BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

BaAaaAaA baAaaAaA beef centipede, have you any friends?

Yes sir, yes sir but most of them are dead.

Iron Man came next That’s right, FE dude got hit.

With too much adrenaline from playing with that fancy shit

Well I guess I have no friends, But there’s one thing I demand I want the holiest of foods So put a bagel in my hand

DEFINITELY NOT A COP Don’t have one. What are you, a cop?

ONLINE SERVICES MANAGER Efe Ozturkoglu REPTILE MANAGER Not a Lizard Person THE NOISE MACHINE Nipple Slicer THE NOISE MACHINE’S MINION *vocal warmups* THE BIG MAN Ruby Pugpuppy DEALER Iowa Dudes

Gnome Pun Intended GNOME PUN INTENDED | PUNDERWOMAN

CONTACT Don’t Letters to the Gnome should be sent to thoughtsandprayersforbill@gmail.com. No letters will be published unless signed with blood. All letters received become the property of DISTORTER.

We’re all gonna die anyway, what’s the fucking point

Distorter magazine is published whenever we damn well please by a staff comprised mostly of squirrels, rabbits and that one weird ostrich. Business, Editorial and Design facilities have been burned to the ground. Our phone number is +1 (585) 475–2212, but don’t call it. The Advertising Department can be reached, but should not be reached. “Check out this Easter Egg just in time for Zombie Jesus” -K.M. The opinions expressed in Distorter are absolutely the views of the Institute (but which Institute? oooOOOoohhh).

Distorter does not take responsibility for shitty ads. Copyright © 1829 Distorter. All rights stripped. Don’t copy this magazine, or we’ll find you. And legally we’re not allowed to say we’ll kill you, but we will tickle you until you wish you were dead.

Distorter 3

cover and TOC illustration by That’s Showbiz Baby

YOU ’ R E NO T R E A DY A ND W E ’ R E NO T S OR RY

B I R D S 6

CYBERDILDONICS BUILDING TO BE ERECTED ON CAMPUS

A R E 8

Come again? RIT’s latest addition is sure to bring good vibes to campus

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ASK RITCHIE Tips, tricks and advice from RIT’s top expert

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10 F I L L T H E V O I D O F O U R PAR ENT S N O T A C C E P T I N G U S BY L IKI NG A N D S U BS C R I B I N G

FIRST DAY AT RIT Create your own first day of school at RIT

THE DISTORTER SPELL BOOK Useful spells and recipes for those who need them

MUNCHKIN CHARGES STUDENTS WITH DEER REMOVAL

D R O N E S 12

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4 Distorter

Reporter was unwilling to share these stories, but Distorter is here to make it up to you!

MY ADVENTURES IN THE BIG BRICK CITY A cowboy makes his way to the big city, but it isn’t all it’s bricked up to be

AYL: WHAT KIND OF CRYPTID ARE YOU? Take this quiz to find out!

The overpopulation of deer on campus has led to concern for student safety

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@REPORTERMAG

STORIES FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

IT’S SO HARD BEING PERFECT Woe is me

G O V E R N M E N T 18

BI-PARTISAN ASS AMENDMENT REUNITES THE STATES People are finally getting along again

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RIT IS STUPIDER THAN EVER BEFORE I mean, seriously? Look at what they have planned!

LET’S UNPACK THAT ...

Y’all need help

E Q U A L S 24

THE CHAOTIC LIFE OF A GRACIE’S UTENSIL Ever wondered what it would be like to live as a Gracie’s utensil?

No? Well, here it is

A L I E N S 26

28

FLAT EARTH IS REAL What the government doesn’t want you to know

WOTS: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? I don’t know man, chickens are wack

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RINGS RIT’s digital confessional Text or call (585) 672–4840

VI SIT OUR FUCK IN G WEB S I TE WE W OR K ED R EAL LY H A R D O N I T

R E P O R T E R.R IT.EDU Distorter 5

Cyberdildonics Building to be Erected on Campus

by Bent Pencil photography by Hairy Eagle illustration by Pinocchio’s Daddy design by Double D

Y

ou know how a new building is being constructed off the back of B. Thomas Golisano College of Computing and Information Sciences (GCCIS)? The one that was supposed to be for the new “Cybersecurity” Institute? Yeah, about that … It’s cyberdildonics now.

Cyberdildonics, sometimes referred to as teledildonics, are sex toys that enable two or more people to share sexual sensations over the internet. This technology has been around since the early 2000s, and yet no college campus has attempted to create a degree program for it until now.

“RIT is always onto the next big thing, and it’s time that college students get to have the pleasure of partaking in the creation of these toys,” said the new Center for Cyberdildonics Director Richard Johnson.

COLLABORATION AT THE FOREFRONT The Center for Cyberdildonics is the so-called “back-up” plan for the new Global Cybersecurity Institute, which has failed to meet everyone’s expectations before the building has even been completed. The institute’s new goal is to become the number one college in the nation for cyberdildonics, which is a much less competitive field than cybersecurity. RIT will be creating a brand new major and minor in Cyberdildonic Innovation by the end of 2021.

The shift to this new program will allow everyone on campus to get involved through group activity. The institute will have faculty from across all colleges, including the Sexology and Intercourse Design departments. Interdisciplinary research will be a key aspect, along with 6 Birds

the development of the new Cyberdildonics coop program — Designing Internet-Linked Dicks Organization, also known as DILDO. The building will feature state of the art equipment, real-world fucking laboratories, computerized porn stations and instructional masturbation labs, including spaces to accommodate for the massive amount of Ph.D. students. Too many horny bitches are trying to get a degree in this and they are overflowing in GCCIS.

FUTURE VENTURES RIT plans on making big bucks off this place.

As we know, sex sells.

Software Engineering students are in the early stages of creating an RIT-affiliated cyber sex app, TigerKinks, that will allow students to connect with other students that have the same

kinks. Add-ons can be purchased with the app to allow for control of the beta version of RIT’s new sex toy, TigerTip. User testing has already begun. Those interested in participating can sign up for a trial at www.sexyritchie.net.

Despite the cyberdildonics take-over, cybersecurity will stay an integral part of RIT’s latest project. Because the technology is so new, cyberdildonics are at a high risk for hacking.

Cybersecurity students will have the opportunity to get real, hands-on experience with the dildos. The institute also plans to develop partnerships with professional companies, such as PornHub. “We want to stay on the cutting edge and offer innovative programs that appeal to the next generation of technology makers,” said Johnson. “We’re sure this program is going to be a major turn on for our incoming students, so we’re really aroused by that.”

“We want to stay on the CUTTING EDGE.”

ASK RITCHIE

by False Dmitry V | photograghy by Queen Tintoria | design by Toxic Purr Dear Ritchie, I know RIT is big into “gaming culture,” but I’ve never really played video games before. I want to be able to talk about games with my friends, so how do I start?

Game on, Ready Player in Riverknoll Dear Player, “Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures” is the best place to begin. Lego Indiana Jones is also the best place to end. Just play “Lego Indiana Jones.” If your friends don’t get it, they’re not real gamers.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, What are some good budgeting tips?

Thriftfully yours, Number-Crunching in Nathaniel Rochester Dear Number-Crunching, Free yourself from the constraints of our modern economy by moving out into the woods behind Gracie’s and becoming the local campus cryptid.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, How do I motivate myself to actually work out? I’m a fifth year Biomedical Engineering major, so I don’t have a lot of spare time to go to the gym.

Thanks, Sluggish in Sol Heumann Dear Sluggish, Nothing gets people in shape like a good old-fashioned apocalypse. You said you’re a biomedical engineer, right? Whip up a zombie plague in the lab; you’ll find yourself on your feet in no time.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, Any advice for balancing academics, work and a social life?

Best, Bustling in Baker B Dear Bustling, RIT’s juggling club meets Wednesday nights in the SAU. Of course, you’ll need to find time to attend a meeting first, so … good luck.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, I like my roommate, but they’re a little weird. Sometimes I’ll walk into the kitchen and find them cooking or cleaning in a floorlength robe. Lately they’ve started referring to my fish as an elder god, and last week I found a collection of plastic skulls under their bed (at least, I hope they’re plastic). I’m starting to think they might be in a cult. Should I be worried?

Please send help, Perturbed in Perkins Dear Perturbed, The bad news is they’re definitely in a cult.

The good news is that they sound like the perfect roommate. Cooking and cleaning? Buy them a new skull and ask them to stick around for another year!

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, How do I know if a girl likes me?

Yours, Crushing in Carlton Gibson Dear Crushing, She doesn’t.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, I’m a second year in the University Exploration program, and I’m still struggling to settle on a major. How do I figure out what I want to do with my life?

Sincerely, Undeclared in University Commons Dear Undeclared, There’s a lot of factors to consider when weighing a potential degree program, but the most important one is: will the name of this major make your relatives’ eyes glaze over?

Consider Diagnostic Medical Sonography.

Go Tigers!

Ritchie

Dear Ritchie, My physics capstone project went horribly wrong and I’ve been trapped in some sort of pocket dimension in the imaging science building for months now. If this message somehow makes it through, I beg you, please, send help (or Oreos).

Desperately, Corrupting Space-Time in the Carlson Dear Corrupting, I’m not falling for this again. Buy your own Oreos, Brent.

Fuck off!

Ritchie

Birds 7

MADLIB

Your First Day at RIT

by ICURD | illustration by That’s Showbiz Baby | design by follow my DeviantArt page ROFL XD

My alarm goes off. It’s the first day of my freshman year of college, and I am so ____________________! I ____________________ out of bed, I put on ADJECTIVE

VERB

my ____________________, grab my ____________________ water bottle. By 7:40 a.m., I’m out the door and off to class.

NOUN

COLOR

As I ____________________, I am flooded with the feeling of ____________________ because I don’t know where any of my classes are. I am surrounded by VERB

EMOTION

all of the ____________________ brick buildings. As I look around, I run face first into a(n) ____________________.

ADJECTIVE

NOUN

Finally, I find my first class. It’s on the ____________________ floor of ____________________. I ____________________ up the stairs and become drenched in NUMBER

RIT BUILDING

VERB

sweat. The teacher ____________________ in with a ____________________ on his face, ready to teach us.

VERB

NOUN

From class to class, I ____________________ I didn’t realize how hot it was going to be today! Finally, I finish my last class. As I take my first step outside, I VERB

feel rain. I _________________ back to dorms and on my way back I see a(n) ___________________ in the distance. “How ___________________,” I think to myself.

VERB

ANIMAL

ADJECTIVE

As I return to my dorm ____________________ from the rain, my roommate ____________________ is excited to tell me about their day. They notice how ADJECTIVE

NAME

____________________ I looked, so they tell me to clean up before we ____________________ to Gracie’s and get some ___________________ ___________________.

EMOTION

VERB

ADJECTIVE

NOUN

I replace my soaking wet ____________________ with some dry ones and we walk to Gracie’s. ____________________! I am so ready to eat some food after ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

INTERJECTION

my long day.

Afterward, we ____________________ back to our room to unwind. My roommate tells me there is a(n) ____________________ party down the hall. I was VERB

ADJECTIVE / NOUN

____________________, so I decide to go with my roommate.

EMOTION

We get to the room and there are ____________________ other people there. There’s a lot of ____________________ and ____________________ in the room, NUMBER

NOUN

NOUN

too! It’s all overwhelming. My favorite song, ____________________, starts playing and it makes me want to ____________________. I ____________________ right SONG NAME

VERB

SAME VERB

into some kid named ____________________ and we ____________________ all night!

NAME

VERB

Finally, it’s time to head back to our room. As we ____________________ down the hall, I pass that same ____________________ I saw earlier and I think to VERB

SAME ANIMAL

myself, “How did it get in here?”

What a(n) ____________________ day it has been. I put on my favorite pair of ____________________ and ____________________ into bed. It’s _______________ ADJECTIVE

ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

VERB

and I’m so tired. My first day of school was ____________________ and I can’t wait for the next four ____________________ of college ahead of me!

ADJECTIVE

8 Are

MEASURE OF TIME

TIME

The Distorter Spell Book

Deep in the archives of the Distorter office, a spell page was found from the long-lost Distorter Spell Book. Please use these spells wisely.

by Natas Dorl Ruo | design by Toxic Purr

The Spontaneous Snow Spell

Making that Money Recipe

This spell will cast a bitter and cold 666-inch snowstorm over RIT, making travel impossible (campus closure is not guaranteed).

Need to make money fast because RIT is draining your pockets? This recipe will help you make millions (side effects include getting arrested and going to jail).

Ingredients:

Ingredients:

•One jar of dandruff from the un-showered head of an engineering student

•A high-quality scanner

•Paper with a similar consistency to money

•Two rusty bolts from Munchkin’s weather machine

•A $100 bill

•A pair of scissors

•A strand of yarn from the Tiger Statue’s scarf

•A high-quality printer

•A bucket of dirt

•A plucked hair from the leg of a student who still wears shorts in the winter •A small bowl of salt used to de-slick the campus walkways (this ingredient will be hard to find)

Directions: Shove all of the ingredients into that plastic green Ozzi container from RIT dining areas. Shake it aggressively while chanting the following: RIT, the snow must fall It must be 666 inches tall I need some sleep, so make it deep Please grant my dream, oh weather machine Once the chant is over, throw the contents in the air and wait for the snow to fall.

Big Daddy’s Distorter Recipe

Directions: Copy the $100 bill with your scanner. Print copies of it onto your paper and cut out the bills. Crumple up the papers and stir them in the bucket of dirt to make them look more used and realistic. Print as many as you like and enjoy your cash!

If the authorities become suspicious, travel to Mexico. Find Jerry. Tell him the following magic words: A new identity for me, I’m so scared that I could pee, They are coming fast, we need to act, A new identity I need.

That Damn Exam Spell Did you forget to study for an upcoming test? Use this spell to get an automatic A+.

Ingredients: •A small vial of your tears. The tears must come from the sadness and frustration you experience during the class

If you follow this recipe and feed the concoction to a certain Distorter staff member, your wildest dreams will come true (100% real and authentic magic recipe, tried and proven).

•A piece of paper from your used textbook that has a suspicious and gross looking stain on it

Ingredients:

•An insanely overpriced RIT mug from Barnes and Noble

•Lucky Charms Pillsbury Cookie Dough

Directions: Heat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and grease a cookie sheet. Form the dough into small balls and place them onto the cookie sheet. Bake them for 16 to 19 minutes or until edges are light golden brown. Package them up and leave them in the Distorter office.

•Your unused planner •The blood of a virgin (this will be easy to find on campus)

Directions:

Put all of the ingredients into a blender. Pour the mixture into your mug and say the following incantation: A good grade is a must, To you Satan, I entrust An A is what I seek, So my soul you can keep Once finished, loudly yell, “HAIL SATAN,” and drink the contents in the mug.

Are 9

near the ess conference impromptu pr s. an ng ldi ho of front student Dr. Munchkin population in g the deer over sin es dr ad l Sentine

Mun

h t i w s t n e d u t S ch k i n C h a r g e s

L A V O M E DEER R e|

to’s Pinky To

by Danny DeVi

il | desig n by

by Bent Penc photog ra phy

No deer were harmed in the making of this story, except Buck.

He bucked up.

ery

Moronic Brav

ts become Bottom: Studen ’s speech. kin ch Mun emotional by Dr ve overstayed “These deer ha id.

M !” unchkin sa their welcome a student holds Right: An RIT esting the ot pr n sig de handma us. lation on camp deer overpopu

10 Are

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n March 18, 2020, RIT President Dave Munchkin gathered students and other community members for an announcement in front of the Sentinel. He explained with great concern that the overpopulation of deer is leading to dangers on campus.

“This campus exists for the students and students’ safety,” he said. “As such, the high populations of deer roaming the grounds is causing a danger to drivers and must be addressed. Moreover, I fear as their numbers grow, their herds may block out the views of our ornate, high-quality bricks.”

He then charged the student body with hatching a plan for their removal. Each club and student organization on campus would be able to pitch a plan to see the deer removed. If given Munchkin’s stamp of approval, the plan would be put into action and evaluated for effectiveness.

There were concerns of harming the deer, to which Munchkin responded, “Only nonviolent measures will be permitted. The deer are graceful and elegant — they’d be great in the performing arts — I will not see harm come to any of them.”

The winning team — the one that manages to drive the deer safely away from campus grounds — will be awarded a placard and monument to replace the rusting Sentinel.

And so It Begins

The first club to hatch a plan was the Styrofoam Knights. Known far and wide for their chivalry and honor, they planned to challenge the alpha deer to a duel. Armor was made of the finest polystyrene, and an assortment of weapons were carted out to the fields. They had swords, daggers, axes, glaives, halberds — you name it, each crafted from styrofoam.

Club Baron Ivan Falconry was selected as the champion, representing not only the knights, but the students they so valiantly defended. His styrofoam was taped together with the finest of duct tapes, glimmering brightly in the cold March air.

Unfortunately, deer aren’t quite so valiant.

A crucial flaw in their plan was the absence of an alpha in deer society; instead, the deer just pranced away to another field at the far side of the gathered crowd.

“We had them cornered,” Falconry said of his defeat, “but somehow they still managed to slip past and flank us from the other side.”

The deer were not cornered and did no such flanking. Our resident expert described it in-

r the situation needed ea cl as w it , on ew dr ys da e "As th to be taken more seriously." stead as “grazing.”

Following the knights were the Fiscal Management Alliance (FMA), though it took a while for them to leave their yacht club. They pitched their plan to Munchkin.

The impeccably dressed FMA president, Brick Rigatoni, said, “We will first conduct an extensive audit of their assets and expenses.

Following this, we will research market performance of various stocks …”

The full plan went on for another 10 minutes, but Munchkin summed it up best when he announced, “They’re going to bore the deer into submission.”

As Rigatoni began unveiling several graphs and charts, promising a high return on investment and low risk, the deer gave their full attention. However, after the 30-minute presentation was over, the deer were munching on the graphs themselves. Rigatoni puffed his cigar to soothe his surrender and moved on to more pressing matters — like which suit he was going to wear tomorrow.

Writer’s Note: I can’t even be mad - he’s got great suits.

More and more clubs gave it their all, but to no avail. In fact, it seemed the deer population was growing! The racing club, Got Wheels, even had a harrowing accident as one of their drivers swerved to avoid a deer and hit a tree instead.

A few rogue racers hatched a retaliatory plan involving a lot of gasoline and a few matches, but that plan was not endorsed by Munchkin nor the club’s e-board. Public Safety was called.

Student Government drafted a PawPrints petition, signed it themselves (several times) and charged it to their committees. It consisted of a plan to adopt a new policy at RIT banning the use of campus for deer populations. The deer overwhelmingly voted against this policy proposal, and it never made its way further than the debate stage.

Several a capella groups banded together, including 4 Beat Measure and Proof of Purpose. They sang a series of cacophonous high notes, shattering glass and bursting several eardrums. The deer did run away, but only temporarily. Still, it was the most successful effort made thus far by any student groups.

Even Reporter underwent an admirable attempt — slandering the deer in print media across campus. Their magazines could be found in every major academic building, and even a few dormside and off-campus locations.

Unfortunately, deer are illiterate. In light of this, Reporter has since turned its focus to investigating how these animals even passed the exam to get into RIT. Many student groups attempted to peacefully drive the deer away from campus. Student safety was of vital concern to everyone involved.

Despite their best efforts, though, it seems students are incapable of anything on this campus. Talks ensued about accepting defeat and replacing the Tiger Statue with one of a deer. It wasn’t until RIT Dining began charging the deer for a meal plan that they finally moved elsewhere.

Ramp It Up

As the days drew on, it was clear the situation needed to be taken more seriously.

Munchkin added that the first club or organization to be successful would receive a bonus $1,000 to their yearly budget.

The Orientation program took a swing at things, surprising many. In a coordinated offensive, no fewer than 50 khaki-wearing Orientation Leaders charged out to the fields, yelping and bellowing about how amazing RIT is. While typically an effective tactic to get people to hate RIT, this reverse psychology technique didn’t seem to stick with deer. Either they were too dumb to formulate such complexities, or they were far too smart to fall for it.

st and flank

aged to slip pa "Somehow they still man us from the other side."

Are 11

Stories from the Cutting Room Floor

by Rockin’ Ricky Rialto design by Sheriff Sleepyhead

TINE; N A R A U Q F L E S S E T A D N A CAMPUS M FUELS HYSTERIA INSTITUTION CHARGE S STUDENTS FOR PRIVILEGE OF PAYING TUITION SECRET SOCIETY OPERATING ON CAMPUS MUNCHKIN DISMISSES CAMPUS TRAGEDY AS INEVITABILITY OD TO S R E D N U IS M T S JU S U IR V A EDGY CORON

RIT NAMED BEST SCHOOL FOR ASBESTOS POISONING

BUDGET CUTS FORCE LOSS OF STUDENT OPPORTUNITIES

BREAKING NEWS: TYLER STILL A BITCH 12 Drones

My Adventures in the big brick city

written by Chet Commason illustration by Buff Grandma design by Snomunist Propaganda

Y

eehaw, pardners!

I never dun see so much bricc in my lyfe as when i’s did go to that shining city in the swamp. Buildins as tall as mountaynes did tower o’er me, shining glass winders did make the briccs turn gold as that there sun, fethers pilin’ up lik snow neath them. And at nite how the lites do shine like stars, almost as gud as the real thing.

In the summer, the briccs get hot as me ma’s oven back on the farm; and when it gets hot, the broads all do ware skirts that go neigh on up to ‘ere showing so much of them there gams that i needa wet me bandana. Wait, ‘ere comes one now. *Tips stetson* “Howdy little lady, what brings you ‘ere on this fine day?” i’s says to ‘er.

“She looked at me like i dun ate the last hushpuppy and said, “Class, what’s with the costume ya old creep?”

“These ‘ere are my working cloths. Practical, comfortable and easy to wear, ma’am!” i’s did reply.

“Uh huh...”

And there she goes, like a loose bricc. Anyways, I tells ya these city broads are all the same, cold and frigid like these here briccs in winter. Why i’s tells ya this one time i was at one of these ‘ere city part-ies, and this broad keeps opening up the ice box to get out cold drinks, can yous imagine that? Cold drinks!

Speakin of the grub, why wares I come from t’was corn fer brefast, corn fer dinner, corn fer supper and corn fer dessert. In this ‘ere city though we got more choices than a man does

know what to do with. There be food from all the four corners of the world, the orient, the occident, the accident and Mexico.

Everyone says to talk to this Gracie lady, but i’s still can’t figure out whomst’d this that is. Maybe this feller will know.

“Howdy, tell me do you know who this ‘ere Gracie is?” *Blank stare* “Much apologies, let me say that ‘gain.

WHO. IS. GRACIE?” *Runs off* It seems sum things will just have to remain a mistery.

These ‘ere city folk sure do be mighty rude, whys when i was back home i’s could ask anyone of my there neighbors sumtin and they would knows the answer right away specially when it comes whos this or that persons is and theys rep-u-tay-shun. *Hat blows off head* Dagnabbit me hat, you can’t trust nobody in the city, not even the wind. Whys me first day here i got robed, sumbody did stole my bathrobe. *Clinks spurs against the briccs* Wheres my mule. I needs to get back to sumware wit soft ground. It seams city lyfe just aint fer me.

Drones 13

AYL: AT YOUR LEISURE

What kind of cryptid are you?

by chocolate chip muffin in a sequin dress | illustration by Two Trucks | design by hhhHUP 1. What have you stolen from Gracie’s?

A. I snuck out an orange once.

B. A uniform shirt. I like to pretend I work there sometimes.

C. Five plates. I didn’t know what to get for Christmas gifts.

D. A napkin dispenser.

2. I’ve _________ Ritchie the Tiger.

A. Hugged.

B. Pinned a tail on.

C. Partied with.

D. Fucked.

3. How tall are you next to Munchkin?

A. That awkward height where giving him a hug looks like offering a blowjob.

B. Tall enough to lick his teeth.

C. Tall enough so that making eye contact with him doesn’t strain my neck.

D. I intimidate him with my height.

4. Where’s your favorite place to nap on campus?

A. Next to the piano guy in the SAU. B. I don’t take naps. I just close my eyes when riding the elevator.

C. The Campus Center fountain.

D. Munckin’s lap.

5. What’s the craziest thing you’d do to bump your grade

up from a 79.9?

A. Babysit my professor’s kids.

B. Send my professor feet pics.

C. Offer to be my professor’s side hoe.

D. Hack my professor’s myCourses account.

6. Have you ever had sex on campus?

A. Of course not.

B. No, but I’ve masturbated a few times.

C. Duh! Every semester.

D. I probably have while sleepwalking.

14 Drones

If you got mostly A’s, you’re …

Mothman! You’re too precious for this world. Congrats, you’re not a freak.

If you got mostly B’s, you’re … the Jersey Devil! What the fuck is wrong with you? Seek help.

If you got mostly C’s, you’re … the Kraken! You’re cool enough to have a rum named after you and almost cool enough to impress your mother.

If you got mostly D’s, you’re … the Chupacabra! Please don’t hurt me.

G ING IT BEIN RD BE HARD SO HA ’S SO IT’S

P CTT FEC RFE PEER

by Shy Ronnie | photograghy by Expired Yogurt | design by Toxic Purr

Dear Diary, Life has been terrible as of late. Mainly because of the people I am surrounded by on a constant basis. It’s not that they’re mean to me or rude or inconsiderate. In fact, the cause of my terrible times recently might be less the people as they view me, and more the people as I view them.

You see, I simply cannot stand anyone else anymore. It has been a thing that has developed over time, and I have finally hit my breaking point. As I’ve grown, it has become more apparent to me that I was able to sail through life with no struggles, no setbacks and no problems.

Everyone else around me has seemed to be less lucky.

Now that I am grown and off on my own at college, I truly believe this has less to do with anyone’s luck per se. It simply has to do with the fact that I am living my best life as the best version of myself. I’m just perfect beyond comparison.

Anyway, no matter how perfect I may be or how isolated I try to make myself, modern life still requires me to interact with other people. So, I try.

But the acquaintances I have always complain about the issues they are constantly having. Why this is I have no idea, and it annoys me into oblivion. I try and hit them with phrases like “For real?” or “That’s crazy!” to make it clear that I truly don’t care about whatever it is they are going to blabber on about. Most times, I walk around with my earbuds in my ears or loudly slurp on grande mocha frappe I always buy at Midnight Oil to further convey this to them. But they don’t seem to get it! Am I too perfect that they have to talk to me?

Nevertheless, they come to me with their problems.

I suppose that’s just the cost of being so perfect.

Everyone else just wants to be me. So, as perfect as I am, I endure.

“I failed a class, my boyfriend broke up with me and my parents stopped sending me money,” they all say.

Those poor people! Pity them, they’re just not as perfect as me and just don’t understand that I don’t care that they’re not. Ah, if only the world could be filled with more of me.

The world would be a better place not just for me, it would be a better place for everyone else too! There would be no arguing, fighting or petty disagreements because everyone would be just as perfect as me.

matter how easy I make it look, I can never find anyone else that closely resembles my perfection. No matter how easy I make it look, nobody else can pick up what it is that I try to put down.

Oh, and believe me Diary, I mean it when I say I try.

I even volunteer my free time in attempting to help others understand what it means to be perfect. When I’m not actively trying to drown out the ear-ringing conversations society requires me to have with people, I tell them all about how they can be more like me.

I tell them they must think about things in all the ways I do. I tell them all the latest and greatest triumphs of my favorite politicians so that they know who is right. I tell them which majors around campus are the only useful ones and which ones are simply just throwaway degrees. I even tell them which electronic devices they should use if they want to be the perfect person.

The challenges never seem to end when educating the common rabble on how to be the perfect me. In fact, sometimes I need to correct people even when they’re not directly in front of me For example, while I browse my favorite social media pages, I scroll through the comments to try and find ones that have grammatical errors. By correcting them on their errors, I let them know how smart I am and show them that being perfect is no easy task. To help illustrate this fact, I like to utilize Snapchat to let everyone in on all the hard work that goes into being perfect.

I fill up everyone else’s stories with videos of everything I am doing at the exact moment I am doing it. This way, there can be no mistaking how to be perfect like me.

IT D RD AR HA OH ’S SSO IT’S

16 Drones

I simply cannot stand anyone.

See that’s the problem with being perfect and the root of my problem. I know what it means to be perfect because I exemplify it every day. My physique is gorgeous, I drip in all the latest fashions and my personality just screams top-tier individual. Yet, no

I know what it means to be perfect because I exemplify it every day.

Even when I’m out and about simply going for a walk, I take the time to educate others on the intricacies of being perfect. When I see cars parked slightly crooked or a little over the line, I like to leave neatly written notes on that person’s windshield to let them know they suck at parking.

When I’m walking into the Library or the SAU, I like to not hold the door open for anyone to give others the signal that perfection waits for no one. Little signals like these are not cruel, they’re constructive

methods to help motivate everyone else to be exactly as perfect as I am.

But what am I to do? No matter how hard I try, my efforts seem to go by the wayside.

So alas, here I write in my dorm, complaining to the only person who understands how hard it is to be perfect. I suppose I’ll try and get some sleep before I tackle the morons that face me tomorrow. Maybe one day everything I’m trying showcase will click for everyone else. I guess that’s truly the problem with

being so perfect: no matter how much I try to help others — no matter how selfless I am — nobody else can ever live up to my standards.

Yours truly,

Your most favorite person Drones 17

Bi-Partisan Amendment Reunites the States

by Bill from Capitol Hill photoillustration by Innerplanet Janet design by Princess Peach

C

elebrations have broken out in Washington D.C. and across the country as Democrats and Republicans fill the skies with colorful explosions and the streets with glass-shattering parades. With this new decade in full swing and election season starting, the American people — government officials and civilians alike — have finally decided to put aside their differences and reunite the states.

(Hi, I’m William, by the way, an up-andcoming reporter sitting here on Capitol Hill! I started out as a small-town reporter in Iowa.

It’s been quite a long journey to get here, but boy am I excited to end all this waiting and finally become a real journalist. I pray that this piece will be my big break, but for today I’m just a lowly reporter named Bill.)

ASS Brings People Together

So up here on Capitol Hill, the House of Representatives and Senate recently ratified the 28th amendment to the U.S. Constitution promising to end the long-standing feud between the parties.

It’s nicknamed the America Stands Strong, or “ASS,” Amendment. Speaker of the House Prancy Nelosi emerged from the Capitol Building to share it with the masses. “‘Congress shall make no law providing the right of Democrats, Republicans and all other parties to reach a consensus on matters that benefit the public. Members of the government may only address each other in tones of disrespect and vulgarity. Discrimination is hereby permitted if based on political affiliation in areas including, but not limited to:

public accommodations and facilities, education and employment,’” Nelosi read aloud. “In other words, you are all, by law, required to hate people with whom you disagree. ” She concluded by announcing that this document would be placed separately next to the Constitution as one of the country’s most cherished legal documents and that no one who resides in the United States may ever disobey it.

Cheers erupted amongst the crowd. Two groups of opposing protesters followed in their leaders’ example, joining hands in kumbaya. People became so excited that even ambulances rushed toward the scene to partake in the fun.

Dozens of police cars followed close behind with their celebratory red, white and blue sirens blaring.

Some officers were even kind enough to let people test out their handcuffs and ride in the back of their cars.

It was nice to see the community finally coming together. Some of the protestors even had matching black and blue face paint on. It sure looked great! Maybe I can borrow some.

It’s so sweet to see people embody what it truly means to

love thy

neighbor these days.

18 Government

People became so excited that even ambulances rushed toward the scene to

partake in the fun.

A Home for Intellectual Discussions

As part of the ASS amendment, government funds have been allocated to constructing a new building over by Union Market called The Echo Chamber. The goal of this new building is to provide a place for people with opposing viewpoints to have intellectual discussions and reach compromises on issues that used to fuel anger and hate.

Inside, mirrors will be plastered on the walls so people can see who they are speaking to from multiple angles. Each room will be named after social media platforms to honor everything they do to foster community-building and social engagement.

They’ll also come equipped with soapboxes for people to stand on. (Congress said they had a lot of extras in storage, so they decided to reuse those and not waste materials manufacturing new furniture. How eco-friendly!)

Construction only just started, but luckily Congress planned to have a test room named after Facebook built for the interim.

I checked it out earlier today and saw a man inside practice for the discussion by screaming all of his opinions and values in the mirror. All of his friends looked back at him through the mirror (they were all wearing matching clothes, how trendy) and cheered him on and told him just how much they agree with his thoughts.

Wow, isn’t conversation great?!

Taking Friendship to New Heights

Speaking of conversation, neighbors finally started to get along over in Friendship Heights, D.C. Margot Bloomfield and Jim Reddings’ families have been neighbors for over 20 years, but have rarely interacted due to their incompatible political views.

However, they recently had a heart-toheart and decided to embrace each other’s differences. When I met them, they were even helping each other get ready for Easter by decorating their homes with gorgeous white and yellow eggs!

I chatted with Bloomfield and she said so many nice things about Jim, I almost cried.

“Jim is a self-absorbed pig,” Bloomfield said. “Every time I see him in his yard, I want to punch him in the face.”

Reddings complimented Bloomfield back, calling her a “liberal hack who spends too much time praying to her personal god Bernard Sanderson.”

It’s so sweet to see people embody what it truly means to love thy neighbor these days.

Peace Burns Bright

Those are just a few of the exciting highlights about the peacemaking that happened around D.C. earlier today. I’m just heading over to the White House, and it has this cool red, orange and yellow light show happening

on the roof. I think someone also must have put new air fresheners throughout the building because there is this unique smokey scent flooding the halls. It’s so warm and welcoming! Reminds me of sitting around a campfire singing kumbaya (just like those protesters from earlier).

Anyway, I’m hoping to get a quote from the president about our country’s newfound love for one another.

There’s a bunch of other reporters here, too, hoping for the same. Turns out, the reporter in front of me on the Capitol Hill steps is also named Bill!

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my work here. If you have any ideas for me for future work, send them to me at thoughtsandprayersforbill@gmail.com. I’ll be sure to take them into consideration.

For now, go enjoy the warm weather, beautiful red-orange skies and have some intellectual debates, yourselves. Maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to ride in a police car! (Or get some of that cool face paint. I know I want some.)

Government 19

RIT IS STUPIDER THAN EVER BEFORE

by Anxiety Rabbit | photography by Shithead (pronounced schuh-theed) | design by Moronic Bravery

R

IT’s really done it this time; we’ve got some crazy shit to look forward to: a mascot change, some sea life and chicken sandwiches — so thrilling!

THE DORM SWARM RIT’s students have spoken, and the administration actually listened! RIT is a university filled with an overwhelming amount of nerds and geeks. Ritchie the Tiger, as a mascot, is clearly unrepresentative of our school’s weeb population.

For over a year, students have been calling to the administration, begging them to right this wrong. All across campus, we’ve seen the infamous “beeees?” graffitied across every brick. This trend first began in fall 2018, and has continued to pop up every few weeks.

There are confidential, redacted reports of previous “beeees?” protests on campus prior to 2018; these reports are strictly hard copies, and Distorter was only able to access them illegally. The first significant outburst of this bee war was in 1964 after RIT’s previous mascot, SpiRIT, was murdered by the queen bee of Rochester.

Students across campus wanted to make a sacrifice to the bee gods that haunt today’s Global Village. The best way to do this, they believed, was sacrificing to a bee swarm mascot regularly. Sadly, because this is illegal, RIT’s administration ignored this heavily supported student request.

Students have held bee protests roughly every five years since, still wanting to submit to their rightful bee overlords. The belief of the students is that the bees will remain aggressive until we switch our mascot and yield.

The administration has finally succumbed to our demands as of spring 2020! Beginning next fall, our mascot will be converted to The Dorm Swarm, with our colors officially changing to black and yellow.

Death to Ritchie! All Hail The Dorm Swarm!

20 Government

"All Hail The Dorm Swarm!"

THE FOOTBALL TEAM RIT hasn’t had a football team in what feels like a millennium. However, the administration has decided, against our pleas of mercy, to reinstate RIT’s football team. According to Munchkin, RIT lacks school spirit. This pitiful group we call a football team is meant to fill the void that is RIT’s school spirit.

To match our new mascot, the football team’s colors will be black and yellow. As there is no room left on campus to create a football field, the team will practice in the tunnels; this will be the case until the new subterranean football field is constructed underneath S Lot. Until construction is complete, there will be no home games.

The team is recruiting from now through the end of summer. Practices within the tunnels will begin in late September 2020, and games will begin in the following month.

Construction of the permanent football field should be completed by late 2021.

A HOME FOR TUITION In an exclusive interview, RIT’s administration has revealed our tuition dollars are accumulating too high in their bank accounts. It’s started to spook the IRS. Therefore, RIT’s administration has decided to make a home for all of our unused tuition dollars.

RIT has hired an architect to build a massive orange-brick pyramid to hold our precious George Washingtons and Ben Franklins. With little space to build such a pyramid, they’ve decided to build this massive construct on top of B. Thomas Golisano College of Computing and Information Sciences.

Blob Finsey, official title “RIT PR guy,” commented on the size of this tuition-possessing pyramid.

“This pyramid will easily put the Great Pyramid of Giza to shame,” Finsey said.

HEAVENLY CHICKEN SANDWICHES For years, RIT students have begged for a certain homophobic chicken sandwich seller on campus. There have been countless petitions calling for this addition for decades. I’m pleased to share that this chicken joint will be replacing the increasingly useless Ben & Jerry’s.

Rochester seems to snow every day of the year, and it’s always cold. Students have often questioned, “What’s the point of eating ice cream when I’m already freezing my ass off?”

The administration shares this concern and has decided to replace Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for warm chicken sandwiches and waffle fries.

RIT claims they would have had both Ben & Jerry’s as well as more homophobia on campus, but there just isn’t enough money in the budget. The administration would need to cut their expensive seafood dinners, which is obviously completely unacceptable. As we have neither the room on campus, nor the budget to fund such an enterprise, Ben & Jerry’s is being replaced with chicken sandwiches.

RIT LANDING ZONE On these swamp lands, George Eastman Hall is considered to be quite the skyscraper.

In light of some upcoming building developments, RIT is looking to see just how far they can build into the sky before our buildings start sinking.

Building a landing zone on this preexisting skyscraper is just the experiment RIT has been looking to conduct. This project will determine whether RIT will continue to build buildings on buildings. On top of George

Eastman Hall, RIT will be building a small runway for students looking to receive their piloting license. Receiving one’s piloting license will be offered as a wellness course beginning spring 2022.

AN AQUARIUM FOR THE FISHBOWL Student Innovation Hall, affectionately known as “The Fishbowl” or even “The Toilet Bowl,” is finally receiving an upgrade that us students have waited far too long for. RIT will build an aquarium within the fishbowl, and entry will be permitted for 10 TigerBucks. No, you can NOT eat the ocean life.

There will be immortal jellyfish, tiger sharks (to placate those heretical Ritchie lovers), great white sharks and three different kinds of penguins. There will also be quite the assortment of fish, but obviously they aren’t nearly as cool. The tank will feature a few sea turtles, that way RIT can keep tricking themselves into believing they’re sustainable. RIT has been so worried about saving the turtles, that they have eliminated a lot of the plastic we use daily.

“Including the sea turtles is meant to signify all our hard work in being sustainable,” said Munchkin.

"No, you can NOT eat the ocean life."

Government 21

Let’s Unpack That...

by Just Bernice | illustration by Stick a Fork in Me cuz I’m Done | design by Chocolate Cheesecake

T

here are times when the RINGS sent into Reporter leave the RINGS reader wondering just what was truly going on when they were sent. Interpreting RINGS can leave the reader spiraling into a black hole of complex thought, analyzing personas and personalities. These are some of my favorite thought spirals that continue to pop into my subconsciousness.

22 Government

“He’s not weird creepy. He’s ‘I have a dead body in my car’ creepy.”

Now we all know that guy at the supermarket that just gives off full-on “I have a body in my car, literally right now.” And trust me, I get it — it is creepy. But at the end of the day how harmful is he really? Think, if he already has a body in his car, why would he need another one?

Think of the mentality behind the killer-inyour-closet cliche. If you are really afraid of someone hiding in your closet, waiting with a knife ready to jump out and kill you, I have a solution. You get a knife. You get in the closet. Now you are the crazy person in the closet.

What are the chances of two crazy people being in the same closet with a knife?

But I digress, back to the supermarket.

He may be wearing a trench coat and smell of a mixture of various chemicals, but he still needs to get his groceries too. Especially before the body in his trunk starts to smell and people get really suspicious.

He also may not be the serial killer that you think he is, he may just be a regular guy with a day-to-day job. Maybe he works at a call center and hates customer service just as much as you, does that make you a body hider as well?

Now you have both checked out and are walking in the parking lot, this is your chance to find that body he is hiding. You see him open the trunk, you see the vapor of dry ice flow out

and onto the pavement. There it is, the body … of a frozen chicken that he is cooking for his family of four tonight.

Jerk.

“Your face would look good in a textbook” Tommy and Bridget are at the supermarket buying soap. Tommy is buying three different kinds of soap for three different kinds of surfaces for three different prices, and Bridget is buying four different kinds of soap from two different brands that all clean the same thing. After buying their soaps, Tommy gives Bridget two of his soaps for one of the surfaces that Bridget is cleaning and Bridget gives Tommy one of her soaps from both brands she purchased from.

You get it, boring math problems, but think about Tommy and Bridget for a second guys.

You see them there in your math textbook on

page 352 next to that same puppy that is on the cover of your book.

They aren’t gorgeous, they aren’t ugly, they are just hauntingly average.

When they were babies, they weren’t cute babies, but they also weren’t ugly babies, they were just babies, standard-issue babies. Just your run of the mill, stork-delivered baby to create the even more average-looking adult.

They won’t go far in life but being in this textbook is one of their highlights.

Be happy for them.

“Every time I look in the mirror, I jump scare myself.”

Aw, that’s so sweet that you are so humbled by your beauty. Let’s face it; if I looked like you I would be scared to look in the mirror too, as I might fall in love with myself harder than Narcissus. Those eyes? Popping. That skin?

Flawless. That hair? Oh please, even Beyoncé is jealous!

Even if someone wanted to tell you how you looked bad that that day, the world would come down with the hardest of vibe checks and take their tired, dusty aesthetic away with the rest of the trash. But you don’t think like that.

To you, the beauty is more of a curse than a gift. Like a princess, you want to show that you are more than just looks — capable of intelligence, strength and independence. But your looks just make life too easy.

You don’t ever have to pay for things because people buy things for you as you spend all your time and money being pretty. But, they

don’t see what is really going on underneath.

Deep down the beauty is more painful than anything you have experienced before.

Searing, red hot coals shoot down your back as you look in the mirror to the perfection that the world sees. You are trapped in the prison that is your perfect appearance, your face is a jail cell and every time you look to see your face you are reminded of the bars that hold you back. Dreams get differed as the opportunity to model or be the face of a brand flood your email inbox.

Outwardly, you exude confidence in your looks. Nothing can phase that award-winning smile on your face. No one that pretty can have any real problems.

But you do. Life is incredibly difficult as your looks have given you the deepest scars you can imagine. Walking down the street you get catcalled by people of every gender and sexual orientation due to your appeal.

You get harassed at bars by people who just can’t take the hint that you aren’t interested.

You had to get full-time security staff to avoid being followed home by people, but even the security guards don’t help much as they act just as bad sometimes.

Nowhere is safe for you. You hide. You run.

No luck. Maybe you should just live in a hole and become a mole person.

Woah, we should repack this one. You’re pretty, life is good … yay?

Government 23

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRACIES UTENSIL

by Hoopnugget | illustration by rat pee design by fix ur posture right now u bicth

The shadows of grubby freshman hands loomed over us.

Before I could breathe, the freshman shoved me into his mouth.

Had he never heard of a toothbrush?

There it is, my chance to shower.

I cried ...

24 Equals

... covered in food and slobber.

I can see the light.

Here we go.

I can taste freedom.

Was his knee buckling?

WE E AR ?!

FALLING Was I ...

... In Hell?

I should’ve known this stupid school doesn’t breed athletes.

So this was my fate — utter chaos.

I wish I had been born a Brick City Utensil.

Equals 25

R A

AT E L F E AL IS R ol of All

iest Fo The Sex

ndom

Christe

ps High To nverse o C y b on illustrati Ugly, d & The The Ba y b n ood ig G s de ot The tainly N but Cer by

Before you say anything,

have you ever thought about what it meant to be not a flat Earth? Say what they teach in elementary classes — how we all revolve around the sun and rotate on our axis due to our round Earth — have you ever wondered where we got that information from?

The answer is Pythagoras, who believed our Earth was spherical purely based on his aesthetics. This was later backed by mathematical proof by Eratosthenes, who gave the first actual measurement. It’s how we got into the concept of our Earth being spherical. But I would also like for us to take a step back and really question where we’re basing our knowledge from. Is what we learned from Pythagoras really true? Is Flat Earth really that impossible against the facts of old? I don’t think so.

I, personally, believe the earth is flat — that we are a flying disc hurtling around in space.

26 Aliens

TH

You Trust Our Government? Really?

First and foremost, the Greeks ain’t shit. The Greeks are the same group of people who said that sneezing would prevent pregnancy.

They’re the same group of people who thought doctors should taste their patients’ earwax to make a diagnosis. The same people who based their assumptions on aesthetics. Again, I don’t think so.

Think about it, what gives the Greeks from old more authority than someone like me, who comes from the 21st century? They didn’t have a Ph.D. To be fair, I don’t either, but I don’t think someone from thousands of years ago has more authority on this topic than me, who truly did my own field work for the topic.

But some people would argue that there are other pieces of evidence that “prove” the earth is spherical. People would raise NASA’s images of the earth — very spherical, shot from out in space. But I live by the idea that we should be wary of what the government gives us to believe, especially their organizations. Nowadays, technology grants us the tools and allow us to modify pictures easily and quickly. I would argue, as many of my comrades would argue, that the fact that we cannot truly say that we know for sure what the earth looks like gives a right to our skepticism.

To mindlessly believe in the government makes you sheeple, being mindlessly herded by your shepherd. Do you not realize that at some point that shepherd you are so devoted to following will eventually lead you to a slaughterhouse to feast upon your flesh at his convenience? The shepherd, that government that you decide to take the word of without a single thought, will ultimately betray you in the end. It’s better for us to let go of our attachment, to stand on our own four hooves and pave our own path, through our own eyes.

What we really know about the earth is how we live in it. You can go right outside and feel the ground and there’s probably a flat land out there where you can lie down flat on your back. You can travel through our seas and find our horizon line, a line. Our oceans, even as the waves move currents, are flat. You do not see anything circular about these facts in our direct lives.

However, there are also different aspects to the nature of our world that needs to be explained. Like, for example, how do we orbit around the sun? This leads into my second part of my statement, that we are a flying disc drifting through space.

We're a Flying Disc, Baby There are a lot of things to combat against if I were to say the whole universe was made up of just our flat Earth. So I will argue that we still orbit around the sun, and we still have other planets surrounding us, but we stay flat. We are orbiting on the top and bottom of our sun. Let me explain.

e a "We ar

flying disc hurtling around in spac e."

One of the most daunting “facts” we realize as teens, learning space and the universe, is that mankind is small. We are taught that we are so miniscule that, in the perspective of the entire universe, even our Milky Way takes up only around 150,000 light years out of the 93 billion light years of the observable universe. Yet, we haven’t met another life form like us in the years we’ve inhabited this Earth. This leads me to believe that we are so flat that when other intellectual lifeforms try to peek into our galaxy, they can’t see us because they’re seeing the flat side of our earth!

I know it may seem far fetched to claim that our Earth is a flying disc in space, circulating around our sun like some kind of rotisserie chicken.

But again, our world is wide and unknowable. We have to do our best to really find the truth of things, when there are so many higher forces trying to fight against you. Yes, I am talking about the government.

True, I don’t have a Ph.D. and I don’t have any mathematical backing for you to believe me. But listen, Pythagoras didn’t either! Pythagoras stated that the earth was round because he thought circles were neat! Is this really the mound you wanna stand your ground on?

Believe what you want to believe, but I beseech you to use only what you can see and measure. No space photos, those are not real. Do not trust your government, because they are just lying to you. Trust me, I’m just like you, flesh and blood and all. Who would you rather believe, someone who you know you can see and meet, or an obscure entity that has no way of meeting you — nor has any interest to, no offense.

To the government agent that is currently reading this as of right now — if you have any questions, comments or concerns please feel free to contact my lawyer, Suckon Deeznuts on Monroe Avenue. If you wish to take a step further and wish to meet me in court I have one thing to say to you: Let’s do it, baby, I know the law.

t ' n d h i a d ve a y e h "T To be fair, I don't

Ph.D.

either."

Aliens 27

Why did the chicken cross the road? illustration by Two Trucks design by Princess Peach

ood g e h t d a e r p s “To and d r o L r u o f o word oose” G r e h t o M r o i Sav

“Get the fuck off the chicken ’s back... GOD”

e he s u a c e “B ght i r e h t had of way”

r “To escape he ” daunting past 28 Aliens

s mf “There was a sexy as e id s r e th o e th n o r te s o ro - she did it for the d.”

“To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.”

“Satan told him to.”

The opinions expressed are fully factual.

Except the cat’s. Never trust a cat.

Aliens 29

RINGS RINGS Disclaimer: “Is Squidward a juicy, juicy boy?” All calls and texts may be subject to editing and truncation.

Statements do not reflect the views of Reporter.

You’re like a plunger, always

DISTORTER 2020 compiled by Dr. Ooouzque illustration by Converse High Tops design by Snomunist Propaganda

If garbage was compacted

into a human form and

brought to life

by an evil warlock,

that’d be me.

bringing up old shit.

Saturday, February 22, 10:10 a.m.

Thursday, Feb. 13, 6:26 p.m.

Me: I’ve got scotch tape in my dorm Him: That won’t be enough Me: That’s why I brought the rope Friday, Feb. 14, 2:10 p.m.

Wow, your tits are

stupendous

Friday, Feb. 14, 11:28 p.m.

There’s just a hole

somewhere on me that’s

constantly

pouring juice

Tuesday, Feb. 18, 9:40 p.m.

Squidward’s pussy is SO fat he squirts every time he moves

Friday, Feb. 14, 4:10 p.m.

Saturday, Feb 15, 10:52 p.m.

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, first e Hell f f hous o h t h i t er o Lil e, mo m a n a f bof her aker o d bre n a s nkie) babie @ Fra hers ( t a n’t f ld t sen Wou n: Ha. ? w Positio o e to kn you lik Neigh-Neigh with Da

t Tique Meat Position: An Entire Cir cus

malevolent clown Position: Crispy Crisper

Dr. Ooouzque : Mountain Biking ion sit Po m the Future Vampire Witch fro

Allegra Hot Dog Wa ter Position: Do you kno w who my father is?

Nipple Slicer Position: The Noise Machine

Gnome Pun Intended Position: Punderwoma n

Anxiety Rabbit Position: The Salad Tha t’s Neither Good Nor He althy

Smokey Bandit e Leader Position: Suprem

Oh my

e tea Position: spill th

sis

A straight up cold mess.

Not a hot mess. A cold one.

Position: Serial Killer with a Fun Little Thing

The Truth is Out There

Shy Ronnie Position: Procrastinator At Large

Rockin’ Ricky Rialto Position: Spud Inspector

Queen Tintoria Position: Pixel Pusher

upsetti spaghetti e labels Position: i don’t lik

Heidi Yerkins Position: Little Sister

Not a Lizard Person nager Position: Reptile Ma

Efe Ozturkoglu Position: Online Servic es Manager

The God Father Position: Big Brother

Greasy Joe Position: Definitely a

cop