Advice Goddess

continued from page 30 Think Free

Shrug, actually

I’m in my first serious relationship. It started off super hot and sexual. Now, a year in, it’s lovey-dovey and cuddly. Not that my boyfriend and I don’t have sex. We do, and it’s still good. But we no longer sext or send cute selfies and the butterflies feeling is gone. Is it all downhill from here?

Once you’ve been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner’s before closing time.

The Declaration of Independence proclaimed that we have a right to “the pursuit of happiness,” but it doesn’t get into actually having it, which, as you’ve discovered, can be a bit of a bore. This makes biological sense, considering that there are stages in attraction and bonding and a cocktail of biochemicals behind each. Dopamine, a neurochemical that researchers associate with wanting, “novelty-seeking,” and focused attention is a star player when you’re in chase mode (a.k.a. “infatuation,” “attraction,” or, more descriptively, “Who knew you could get a callus down there?”).

However, evolution is no fool, and it realized that we couldn’t spend all of our time chasing each other around whatever passed for the kitchen table back when “the man cave” was an actual cave. So bonding hormones—oxytocin and vasopressin—eventually take charge. And that’s why, a year into a relationship, you may be doing “unnatural acts” in the bedroom, but they probably involve things like dusting the miniblinds.

Going from hot sexts to ho-humming along is a result of “hedonic adaptation.” “Hedonic” comes from a Greek word for pleasure, and hedonic adaptation describes how we quickly acclimate to changes in our circumstances— positive or negative—to the point where they no longer give us the boost (or kick in the teeth) that they first did. Research by social psychologist Philip Brickman and his colleagues suggests that we each have a happiness “set point,” and we keep getting pulled back to it. A fascinating example of this is their finding that people who won big in the lottery were (of course) stoked at first, but ultimately, they ended up being no happier than victims of crippling accidents.

Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky finds that people in relationships can resist hedonic adaptation but it takes “ongoing effort” to bring in variety. She’s talking about varied experiences and, especially, varied surprising experiences. Surprise, Lyubomirsky explains in The Myths of Happiness, delivers “strong emotional reactions.” Remember strong emotional reactions? They’re a little hard to come by once you can close your eyes and draw a solar system of your beloved’s every birthmark, freckle and mole.

The good news is that, even now, you can bring surprise into your relationship—you just need to stage it. Try to inject it into every day, and maybe take turns planning a weekly secret date night—secret from the person who isn’t the planner—so at least one of you is surprised. You might also take turns planning separate sextracurricular activities, on the same model. Without this extra effort, sex may still be fun, but the only way it’s likely to be surprising is if one of you tries to sneak out the window afterward.

Really old men in the hood

When I was in my youth, a lot of women I knew fell for bad boys. I’m now a man in my 60s, entering retirement. Amazingly, I’m finding that even women my age prefer bad boys. What’s this about?

Since older women often end up dating much-older men, this leads to the question: What’s the profile of the elderly bad boy? Cheating at bingo? Swearing on the golf course? Shotgunning Ensure?

Some older women—just like the younger ones—go for bad boys because they don’t think much of themselves and feel most comfortable with someone who seems to share their view. But even older women who aren’t emotional shipwrecks can be drawn to the aging delinquent. It turns out that a bad boy’s unreliability has a neurological upside. Neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz finds that unpredictable “rewards” seem to be the most satisfying for the brain— maybe even giving us three or four times the buzz of the experiences that we see coming.

So, as a nice guy, the thing to be is exciting and unpredictable—without the downside of the deviousness, thieving and unreliability. Use the element of surprise—even by hiding small presents (tiny chocolate bars) or funny notes around her house (as opposed to a bag of unmarked bills). Ultimately, even thrill-seeking women prefer a man who says, “Quick, grab your suitcase. I’m taking you to Paris,” and not “Quick, duck down. The cops are here, and they have a warrant.” Ω

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica,CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

SPARKS HERITAGE MUSEUM: Great Basin

Native Artists Exhibit. The Sparks Museum & Cultural Center presents a group exhibition by the Great Basin Native Artists. The exhibition features the work of contemporary Native American artists Ben Aleck, Phil Buckheart, Louinda Garity, Topaz Jones and Melissa Melero. The show includes a collection of paintings, ink and graphite drawings and assemblage sculpture. M-Su through 2/27. Free. 814 Victorian Ave., Sparks, (775) 355-1144.

Museums

NATIONAL AUTOMOBILE MUSEUM (THE

HARRAH COLLECTION): SpaceMobiles:

From Rockets and Rovers to Cars on Mars. This exhibit takes a look at America’s fascination with exploring new frontiers and the machines that make it possible. M-Su through 4/11. $4-$10, free for members and children age 5 and younger. 10 S. Lake St., (775) 333-9300.

NEVADA MUSEUM OF ART: Don Dondero:

A Photographic Legacy, W-Su through 7/10; Cedra Wood: A Residency on Earth, W-Su through 5/15; Andy Diaz Hope & Jon Bernson: Beautification Machine, W-Su through 7/24; Altered Landscape: Photographs of a Changing Environment, W-Su through 4/17; Daniel Douke: Extraordinary, W-Su through 4/24; Monuments & DeLIMITations: Projects by David Taylor and Marcos Ramírez ERRE,

W-Su through 4/17. $1-$10. 160 W.

Liberty St., (775) 329-3333. SPARKS HERITAGE MUSEUM: Hidden

in Plain Sight: The Basques. The exhibit tells of the unique origins, language and history of the Basque people, along with their contributions throughout history. Hidden in Plain Sight: The Basques is a traveling exhibit from the Basque Museum & Cultural Center in Boise, Idaho. Sa, 1-4pm through 5/14, Tu-F, 11am-4pm

through 5/13. $5 or free for museum members. 814 Victorian Ave., Sparks, (775) 355-1144.

Film

INSIGNIFICANCE: Theresa Russell and

Tony Curtis star in Nicolas Roeg’s look at how time, place and circumstance define our universe and our existence. Tu, 3/1, 7-9pm. $5-$7. Good

Luck Macbeth Theatre Company, 713

S. Virginia St., (775) 322-3716, http://artemisiamovies.weebly.com. MOVIE NIGHT: THE WARRIORS: A turf

battle between New York City street gangs rages from Coney Island to the Bronx. The Warriors are mistakenly fingered for the killing of a gang leader. Soon they have every gang in the city out to get revenge and they must make their way across the city to their own turf. W, 3/2, 8:30pm. $2.50. Psychedelic Ballroom and Juke Joint (PB&J’s), 555 E. Fourth St., (775) 322-4348, http://psychedelicballroom.com.

Music

COME IN FROM THE COLD FAMILY

ENTERTAINMENT SERIES: The 2016

series continues with a performance by Contraband. Sa, 7pm through 3/12.

$3 suggested donation per person. Western Heritage Interpretive Center, Bartley Ranch Regional Park, 6000 Bartley Ranch Road, (775) 828-6612.

Reno Jazz Orchestra CD release show

The 18-piece big band salutes the Godfather of Soul with their new CD Bring Me The Funk of James Brown. The RJO, along featured vocalists Trey Stone, Jackie Landrum, Pat Esters and Maurice Allen, will perform hits by the founding father of funk including “Living in America,” “The Big Payback” and “Cold Sweat,” as well as songs by other funk greats such as Tower of Power’s “What is Hip” and “Soul Vaccination.” The show begins at 8 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 27, at the Celebrity Showroom inside the Nugget Casino Resort, 1100 Nugget Ave. Tickets are $20 for general admission and $10 for students. The ticket price includes $5 off CD at the event. Call 356-3300 or visit http://renojazzorchestra.org.

—Kelley Lang

PIPES ON THE RIVER: The Friday lunch-

time concert series features guest artists performing on the church’s

Casavant pipe organ. F, noon. Free.

Trinity Episcopal Church, 200 Island

Ave., (775) 329-4279, www.trinityreno.org. RAY BONNEVILLE: Known as the master of the slow burn and the groove, the blues artist performs at this concert that benefits the Silver

City School House Community

Center. Please RSVP on Facebook or by email. Su, 2/28, 5pm. $10-$20 suggested donation. Silver City

School House, 385 High St., Silver

City, https://www.facebook.com/ events/608398115975901.

RENO WIND SYMPHONY: FORGOTTEN GEMS:

The symphony will play wind band literature from past years. Su, 2/28, 3pm. $5, free for UNR students with

ID. Nightingale Concert Hall, Church

Fine Arts Building, University of

Nevada, Reno, 1335 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-4278. UNIVERSITY PERCUSSION ENSEMBLE

& ON’SEMBLE: This concert at the University of Nevada, Reno coincides with the Northern Nevada Day of Percussion and will feature the California Institute of Arts based Hands On’Semble along with the University of Nevada, Reno Percussion Ensemble and the Sacramento State University Percussion Ensemble. F, 2/26, 7:30pm. $5, free for UNR students with ID. Nightingale Concert Hall, Church Fine Arts Building, University of Nevada, Reno, 1335 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-4278. UNIVERSITY SYMPHONY ANNUAL HONORS

CONCERT: Three student concerto winners will be accompanied by the University of Nevada, Reno Symphony Orchestra. The symphony will also premiere a new work by a student composer. Tu, 3/1, 7:30pm. $5, free for UNR students with ID. Nightingale Concert Hall, Church Fine Arts Building, University of Nevada, Reno, 1335 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-4278, www.unr.edu/arts.

WEEKLY DRUM CIRCLE: Bring your drum,

your didgeridoo, poi, hoops and silk or just yourself and enjoy the soothing sounds of the Morris Drum Circle. All are encouraged to participate, dance and play. M, 8:30pm through 7/25. Free.

Morris Burner Hotel, 400 E. Fourth St., (775) 327-1171.

Sports & Fitness

GALENA CREEK GUIDED HIKE: Join a

naturalist along one of the Galena Park trails and learn about the area. Bring water, sunscreen, hiking boots or snowshoes (if weather permits.) Sa, 10am through 3/18. $5 sug-

gested donation. Galena Creek Visitor Center, 18250 Mt. Rose Highway, (775) 849-4948.

Onstage

HEY BROTHER: Merry War Theatre

Group presents Bekah Brunstetter’s dramedy about the subtle nuances of life’s complications, what it means to belong and just how far someone might go to find love. Th, 2/25, 7:30pm,

F, 2/26, 7:30pm, Sa, 2/27, 7:30pm. $12-

$15. The Potentialist Workshop, 836 E.

Second St., (775) 848-9892, www.merrywar.com. MURDER AT THE TONYLOU AWARDS: Come

walk the red carpet at this audienceparticipation, murder-mystery, dinner-theater show where you are the detective and just might become a part of the action. F, Sa, 5:45-9:30pm through 2/28. $38.95. Gold Dust West

Casino Carson City, 2171 U.S. Highway 50 East, Carson City, (775) 781-0664 THE NETHER: Good Luck Macbeth

Theatre opens their 2016 season with

Jennifer Haley’s award-winning play, set in the not-so-distant future, that explores the darker side of the Internet. F, Sa, 7:30-9pm through 2/27, Th, 7:30-9pm through 2/25. $15 in

advance, $18 at the door. Good Luck Macbeth Theatre Company, 713 S. Virginia St., (775) 322-3716.

Classes

ART EXPLORATIONS AT THE LAKE

MANSION: A variety of different techniques and mediums will be introduced, such as drawing, multiple paint mediums and more. Open to students age 15 and older. The class takes place in the Lake Mansion’s lower level art studio. W, 10am-noon through 3/16. $95. Lake Mansion, 250

Court St., (775) 826-6100 ext. 2. THE BREASTFEEDING FORUM: Breast-

feeding mothers are invited to join this breast-feeding support group.

Mothers exchange their experiences and discuss concerns such as milk supply, pumping, going back to work, sleeping or lack of sleep, etc. RSVP at http://doodle.com/cy5nrur23mbg6pie. Tu, 4-5pm. $10 drop in, free for first-time attendees. Renown

South Meadows Medical Center, 10101

Double R Blvd., (775) 240-9916. JIMMY BEANS WOOL KNIT NIGHT: Join

local and visiting fiber enthusiasts for an evening of knitting and crocheting. Fourth Th of every month, 6-8pm. Free.

Jimmy Beans Wool, 1312 Capital Blvd.,

Ste. 103, (775) 827-9276. MASTER CLASSES: ERIC WHITACRE:

The Department of Music at the

University of Nevada, Reno presents a series of master classes with the internationally renowned composer

Eric Whitacre. Whitacre will hold an open forum with students in the music department and present other sessions with the University

Wind Ensemble, University Chamber

Singers and composition classes.

The specific schedule and location of each session will be posted on the music department website. Tu, 3/1, 10am. Free. Nightingale Concert Hall,

Church Fine Arts Building, University of Nevada, Reno, 1335 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-4278, www.unr.edu/arts. WATERCOLOR FOR ADULTS: Designed for

beginner to advanced with plenty of one-on-one instruction. Open to students age 15 and older.The class takes place in the garden pavilion adjacent to the Lake Mansion. Th, 2/25, 5:30-8:30pm. $30. Lake Mansion, 250 Court St., (775) 826-6100 ext. 2, www.artsforallnevada.org.

Community

CROCHET CONNECTION: Learn to crochet

or share tips with other crochet enthusiasts. Th, 4-5:45pm. Free.

Spanish Springs Library, 7100A

Pyramid Lake Highway, located at

Lazy 5 Regional Park, Spanish Springs, (775) 424-1800. DEPRESSION BIPOLAR SUPPORT ALLIANCE:

The Reno chapter of the national DBSA meets. Fourth Th of every month,

7-8:30pm. Renown Health Boardroom, 1495 Mill St., (775) 835-6410. GALENA BOOK ’N TEA: Discuss nature-

based literature over hot tea. Call to reserve a spot. Fourth Sa of every month, 3-4pm. Galena Creek Visitor

Center, 18250 Mt. Rose Highway, (775) 849-4948. GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP: Renown Hospice

Care offers a grief support group every first and third Wednesday. Support is available for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. The group is facilitated by Fr. Karry Crites and is open to anyone. First W of every month, 6:30-8pm. Free.

Washoe County Senior Center, 1155 E. Ninth St., (775) 982-2817, http://bit.ly/GriefSupportGroup.