Advice Goddess

Shove hurts

I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on a relationship coach, who instructed me to cut off all sex and even all contact with the guy I was dating until he agreed to marry me. I knew he loved me and wanted to marry me; I just wanted him to do it faster. Sadly, my ultimatum to him blew up in my face—he is done with me. My roommate, who thought the coach’s advice was terrible, just moved in with her guy despite his being kind of a commitmentphobe. Her approach was to just be loving and patient with him and give it some time (about a year). She said she realized that she had the option to bail if the waiting became too much. I’m confused. Men supposedly don’t get hints. Why doesn’t saying what you want work to get the guy?

Is your dating coach 8 years old? Because “I refuse to speak to you till you propose!” is a (slightly) more adult version of “I’m holding my breath till you buy me that Barbie!”

Welcome to Ultimatum Frisbee! A highly risky game. We tend to freak when our freedom is threatened—including our freedom of choice. In fact, social psychologist George A. Youngs finds that when a potential loss of freedom looms, it unleashes a “motivational state,” compelling us to try to preserve that freedom and fight off any attempts to yank other freedoms. In other words, the more you go all petty despot on somebody—overtly trying to force them into doing your bidding—the more likely they are to rebel and maybe even do the exact opposite of what you want.

“Overtly” is the key word here. Your roommate also wanted to wrangle a commitment from her boo. But note the difference in tactics—making it attractive for him to stick around as opposed to leaving a note on his pillow, “Put a ring on it!”—along with the severed, bleeding head of My Little Pony.

This isn’t to say you should keep your mouth shut about what you want. But consider the difference in controllingness in making a statement versus giving an ultimatum. A statement tells him what you have to do: “I feel bad that you don’t seem to want to marry me, and I can’t continue in this much longer.” An ultimatum, on the other hand, tells him what he has to do: “Marry me or nothing, bucko!”

Also, consider that with “marry me or nothing,” you’re very distinctly putting “nothing” on the table. And maybe at a certain point, this is a trade-off you’re willing to make. But, again, stating it in those terms is probably a bad idea. Keep in mind that typically a man commits to a woman because he loves her and is better with her than he is alone—much as he might admire her for her attempt to re-enact the Iran hostage crisis on a very small scale.

Atone deaf

I’m a 28-year-old girl. I‘ve been with my boyfriend for several months. He never really apologizes. He’ll say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and never “I’m sorry that I did that.” When I confronted him, he said, “Well, I’m not sorry for my actions. I just don’t want to hurt you, so I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Am I parsing this too much? Is there a difference between these two apologies?

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is the Dollar Tree version of an apology. Sure, it has the words “I’m sorry” and the package seems kind of familiar, but it ultimately goes down like expired SpaghettiOs from Czechoslovakia.

This kind of apology doesn’t make you want to forgive somebody. It makes you want to chase them with an ax. Instead of taking responsibility for what they did or said, they’re using apology words to blame you for feeling bad about it, which is like saying, “I’m so sorry your window was too lame to open itself when my golf ball was heading toward it.”

And sure, “Sorry you’re offended” is sometimes appropriate, but when it’s always somebody’s apology, it suggests they have no connection to the possibility that they’ve done something wrong. This is a trait common to narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, reflecting a lack of empathy. (Their saying “I’m sorry you’re hurt” is just a sneaky way out, not an expression of care and concern.)

Consider whether the “I’m perfect; you’re oversensitive” model will work for you long term. If not, tell him what you need and see whether he can or will give it to you. If you don’t see a change, the best way to teach him may be by example: “I’m sorry, but the number you have called has been disconnected.” Ω

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica,CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

Gallery at City Hall hosts artwork from Chicago-based visual artist

Vesna Jovanovic. Foreign Bodies is a series of ink and graphite drawings driven by what may or may not commonly be considered part of the human body. This series of largescale YUPO rolls begins as randomly spilled ink that Jovanovic goes over with intricate cross-hatching to formally resemble medical illustration.

Jovanovic’s drawings take into consideration what might enter the body surgically, accidentally, deliberately, violently or aesthetically— driving the question, “What is the different between a foreign body and a familiar body?” 1/18-2/26. Free. 1 E. First St., (775) 334-4636, www.reno.gov. SHEPPARD CONTEMPORARY GALLERY,

CHURCH FINE ARTS BUILDING,

UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, RENO:

Emily Arthur. Printmaker Emily

Arthur’s solo exhibition in Sheppard

Contemporary explores the ways in which she sees nature as an interdependent living force rather than as the backdrop for human events. M-F through 1/22. Free. 1664 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-6658. SIERRA ARTS GALLERY: Leslie King:

Personaj. King’s first major exhibit features her oil and acrylic paintings. The artist’s reception is on Thursday, Jan. 21, 5-7pm. M-Su through 1/30. Free. 17 S. Virginia St., Ste. 120, (775) 329-2787.

WINGFIELD PARK: The Light Chimes. Scott

Morgan’s light sculpture illuminates

Wingfield Park nightly with animated color palettes derived from Reno street murals, the artist’s own work and time lapses of the Milky Way.

M-Su, 4-10pm through 3/31. Free. 300

W. First St., (775) 329-2787.

Call for Artists

CITY OF RENO CALL FOR ARTISTS: The City

of Reno is accepting proposals from artists and curators interested in exhibiting. All media will be considered for display. However, the unique aspects of each venue are best suited for two-dimensional work although three-dimensional work may be considered if space allows. A review panel will determine the quality of proposals. The Public Art Committee and Reno Arts and Culture Commission will have final approval. Notification of results can be expected in April 2016. Through 3/1. McKinley Arts & Culture Center, 925 Riverside Drive, (775) 3346264, www.reno.gov.

Museums

NATIONAL AUTOMOBILE MUSEUM (THE

HARRAH COLLECTION): SpaceMobiles:

From Rockets and Rovers to Cars on Mars. This exhibit takes a look at

America’s fascination with exploring new frontiers and the machines that make it possible. M-Su through 4/11. $4-$10, free for members and children age 5 and younger. 10 S. Lake St., (775) 333-9300. NEVADA MUSEUM OF ART: Guided Tours.

Tour the featured exhibition with one of the Nevada Museum of Art’s trained docents during a regularly scheduled guided tour offered Thursdays at 6pm (except First Thursdays); Saturdays at 1pm and Sundays at 1pm. Reservations are not needed. Free with $1-$10 admission. Th, Sa, Su; NMA Gallery Closure. All galleries with the exception of the Wayne and Miriam Prim Theater Lobby Gallery will be closed Jan. 14-22 to prepare for the opening of The Horse and additional upcoming exhibitions. The Museum Store, Chez Louie and the E.L. Cord Museum School are open during normal business hours. M-Su through 1/22. Opens 1/14.Don Dondero: A Photographic Legacy, W-Su through 7/10. $1-$10. 160 W. Liberty St., (775) 329-3333.

Music

CARPENTER’S MUSIC WORLD MONTHLY

MUSIC PROGRAM: Carpenter’s Music

World presents its monthly music program open to all ages, styles and skill levels. Performers must call in advance with their name or name of group, song title, instrumentation and length of performance. Second Th of every month, 6-8pm. Free. Carpenter’s

Music World, 2700 S. Virginia St., (775) 391-7757, www.carpentersmusic.com. COME IN FROM THE COLD FAMILY

ENTERTAINMENT SERIES: The 2016

series continues with the Slide Mountain Band. Sa, 7pm through 3/12.

$3 suggested donation per person. Western Heritage Interpretive Center, Bartley Ranch Regional Park, 6000 Bartley Ranch Road, (775) 8286612.

PIPES ON THE RIVER: The Friday lunch-

time concert series features guest artists performing on the church’s

Casavant pipe organ. F, noon. Free.

Trinity Episcopal Church, 200 Island

Ave., (775) 329-4279, www.trinityreno.org. RCO COLLEGE CONCERTO COMPETITION:

The Reno Chamber Orchestra’s 27th annual College Concerto Competition is the only competition of its kind in the state of Nevada. Starting time for the competition is T.B.A. based on the number of competitors. The participants, who must either attend a Nevada college or be a Nevada resident attending college out of state, compete for cash prizes and the opportunity to appear as soloist with the RCO in one of its regular season concerts. The first-prize winner of the 2016 College Concerto

Competition will perform with the

RCO at its concerts on April 16-17.

Su, 1/17. Nightingale Concert Hall,

Church Fine Arts Complex, University of Nevada, Reno, 1335 N. Virginia St., (775) 348-9413. XING BRIDGES: The group performs familiar songs from an era which will spark fond memories of years gone by. Sa, 1/16, 7pm. $10-$20. Brewery

Arts Center, 449 W. King St., Carson

City, (775) 883-1976.

Sports & Fitness

DOWNTOWN RENO ICE RINK: The ice skat-

ing rink will be located in front of the Reno Aces Ballpark. Hours are from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Saturday, and 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Sunday through February. Weather conditions may affect rink conditions, so please call in advance to confirm operating hours. M-Su, 10am through

2/14. $8 adults, $6 children ages 3-12 and seniors ages 55 and older, $3 skate rental. Reno Aces Ballpark, 250 Evans Ave., (775) 334-7035, www. renoaces.com.

GALENA CREEK GUIDED HIKE: Join a

naturalist along one of the Galena Park trails and learn about the area. Bring water, sunscreen, hiking boots or snowshoes (if weather permits.) Sa, 10am through 3/18. $5 suggested

donation. Galena Creek Visitor Center, 18250 Mt. Rose Highway, (775) 8494948.

Reno Philharmonic: Classix Three

The Reno Philharmonic Orchestra Classix series of concerts continues with a performance featuring viola player Dustin Budish who will take center stage for William Walton’s Concerto for Viola and Orchestra. The concert also features Conductor Laura Jackson leading the orchestra for George Frideric Handel’s Suite No. 2 in D Major from Water Music and Ludwig von Beethoven’s Symphony No. 3 in E-flat Major, opus 55 “Eroica.” The concerts begin at 4 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 17, and at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 19. Before the shows, Jackson will discuss the works and composers on the evening’s concert, giving attendees a background and historical context for the music they will hear. The preview talk is at 3 p.m. on Sunday in the concert hall and at 7 p.m. Tuesday in the exhibition hall. Tickets are $32-$86. Call 323-6393 or visit www.renophil.com.

—Kelley Lang

RENO BIGHORNS: The D-league team plays Oklahoma City Blue. Su, 1/17, 7pm; M, 1/18, 7pm. Reno Events Center, 400 N. Center St., (775) 335-8800.

Onstage

MI VIDA GITANA: Charlie, a boy from

Texas, is sent to live with his estranged mother in Spain after his father dies in battle in Iraq. In the streets of Spain he befriends an orphan named Liliana who is owned by her Romani boss. A plan to run away and elope is foiled by Charlie’s mother and Liliana’s keeper, who scheme to falsely imprison Liliana. Th, 1/14, 7:30pm; F, 1/15, 7:30pm; Sa, 1/16, 7:30pm; Su, 1/17, 2pm. $10. Reno Little

Theater, 147 E. Pueblo St., (775) 3290661, http://renolittletheater.org. RENO IMPROV SHOW + JAM: Reno Improv

presents Chicago-style, long-form improv. The performances are unrehearsed and unscripted, so you’ll never experience the same show twice. Once a month, Reno Improv hosts a jam called The Experiment, which is open to everyone. Bring a concept you’d like to workshop and you’ll be matched with a partner for some free-form improv. Sa, 8-9:30pm through 2/6. $5 suggested donation. The Potentialist Workshop, 836 E. Second St., (775) 686-8201, https:// www.facebook.com/renoimprov.

Classes

THE BREASTFEEDING FORUM: Breast-

feeding mothers are invited to join this breast-feeding support group. Mothers exchange their experiences and discuss concerns such as milk supply, pumping, going back to work, sleeping or lack of sleep, etc. RSVP at http:// doodle.com/cy5nrur23mbg6pie. Tu, 4-5pm. $10 drop in; free for first-time attendees. Renown South Meadows

Medical Center, 10101 Double R Blvd., (775) 240-9916. MAY ARBORETUM SOCIETY—RENO ART BAR:

A PAINTING EXPERIENCE: The Reno Art

Bar’s artist will create a rendering of the Arboretum and Botanical Garden for all participants to paint and take home to enjoy. The class fee includes all supplies, light refreshments, wine and non-alcoholic beverages. No experience necessary. Space is limited to the first 30 registrants. Sa, 1/16, 12-3pm. $55. Reno Art Bar, 550 W. Plumb Lane, (775) 785-4153.

THE PLAYGROUND IMPROV WORKSHOP:

Learn the basics of improv during weekly workshops every Saturday night before Reno Improv’s show. Play improv games and meet new friends. Sa, 6:30-8pm through 2/6. $5 suggested

donation. The Potentialist Workshop, 836 E. Second St., (775) 686-8201.

Community

CLICKETS KNITTING GROUP: Jean Peters

guides this class for knitters of all ages and levels. Yarn and needles are available. First and Third Su of every month,

1:30-3pm. Free. Spanish Springs Library, 7100A Pyramid Lake Highway, Spanish

Springs, (775) 424-1800. CROCHET CONNECTION: Learn to crochet or share tips with other crochet enthusiasts. Th, 4-5:45pm. Free. Spanish Springs

Library, 7100A Pyramid Lake Highway, located at Lazy 5 Regional Park,

Spanish Springs, (775) 424-1800. DIABETES AWARENESS SUPPORT GROUP: This

group is for people with diabetes and their families. Second Th of every month,

9:30-10:45am. Saint Mary’s Center for

Health & Fitness, 645 N. Arlington Ave.,

Ste. 100, (775) 770-3600. GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP: Renown Hospice

Care offers a grief support group every first and third Wednesday. Support is available for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. The group is facilitated by Fr. Karry Crites and is open to anyone. Third W of every month,

6:30-8pm. Free. Washoe County Senior

Center, 1155 E. Ninth St., (775) 982-2817, http://bit.ly/GriefSupportGroup2. KNITTING & CROCHET CLUB: This group is

open to anyone who enjoys knitting or crocheting. Second and Third Sa of every

month, 1-3pm. Free. Northwest Reno

Library, 2325 Robb Drive, (775) 787-4100, www2.washoecounty.us. LIFESCAPES: The writing program provides seniors an opportunity to write and share their memoirs. First and Third W of every month, 1-3pm. Free. Northwest

Reno Library, 2325 Robb Drive, (775) 787-4100.

LIFESCAPES: The memoir writing program for seniors meets. Second and Fourth Th of every month, 10:30am. Free. South

Valleys Library, 15650A Wedge Parkway, (775) 851-5190, www.washoe.lib.nv.us. MYSTERY BOOK CLUB: This month’s

selection is Murder in the Dark by Kerry Greenwood. Su, 1/17, 1-2pm. Free. Spanish Springs Library, 7100A Pyramid Lake Highway, located at Lazy 5 Regional Park, Spanish Springs, (775) 424-1800.

NORTHERN NEVADA ENVIRONMENTAL

PROFESSIONALS: This networking group meets monthly. Second Th of every month, 6-8pm. Desert Research

Institute, 2215 Raggio Parkway, (775) 828-1991.