Advice Goddess

Think Free

A Man Walks Into A Barnacle

I’m a 43-year-old man, and I’m trying to build my career after years of being a stay-at-home dad. I got involved very quickly with a woman I met online, but the truth is that she’s just not smart enough for me. I feel bad because she’s very sweet, but I’d rather devote my time to my work. I’ve tried to break up with her numerous times, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. I’ll tell her I really need time to myself, but she’ll still call incessantly. How do you tell somebody it’s over in a way that is kind but gets through to them?

You need “time to yourself”? Great. She can do that. Just call her when you’re ready. No, not on the phone. She’ll be out on your porch in her sleeping bag.

Welcome to the rose-colored distorto-vision of being “optimistically biased”—succumbing to the human tendency to see what’s positive instead of what’s realistic. (“What I refuse to believe won’t hurt me!”) We’re especially likely to go happily dumb when our ego is involved. Evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers explains in The Folly of Fools that we “protect our happiness via self-deception.” We have a “psychological immune system” that works “not by fixing what makes us unhappy but by … minimizing it and lying about it.”

Neuroscientist Tali Sharot finds from her brain imaging research that having a distortedly positive view comes out of what she calls “selective updating.” When our brain gets information that things are going to be better than expected, it’s all, “Yes, sir, we’ll send that around.” But information that things will be worse than expected? That gets kicked under the bed—or would if the brain had feet and slept in a bed.

There is another possibility here. Even if your girlfriend’s intelligence level leaves you confused about whether to take her to dinner or just water her and put her in indirect sunlight, she may be what I call instinctually smart. Possibly, it’s clear to her that you want to end it but she’s ignoring that in hopes of wearing you down. Regardless of the reason she’s still hanging around, the only way to change that is by telling her that you two are done, using very direct language, like, “I’m sorry, but it’s over between us. I am breaking up with you.” Should she keep contacting you, make it similarly clear that there’s no room at the inn for hope.

This is actually the kind way to break up with a refuse-to-believe-er—being momentarily cruel, ideally as soon as you realize it’s over. In other words, putting your girlfriend out of her misery starts with putting her through it—pronto. Keep merely hinting that it’s over and, well, if an asteroid destroyed life on earth as we know it, three things would survive: cockroaches, the Kardashians and your relationship.

The Endear Hunter

My girlfriend rarely, if ever, calls me by my actual name. Other women I’ve dated have done this, too. It makes me think of that country song that goes, “You don’t have to call me darlin’, darlin’.” I’ve come to realize that I’ve been steadily losing interest in my girlfriend and maybe she senses that. Or could it be something else? Why do women do this—not calling men by their actual names?

There are times when only your actual name will do—because the alternative is “Hey, Magic Penis, I’m over here … aisle 4!”

But, generally speaking, the way people address each other is a statement about the kind of relationship they have. So when the nurse comes into the waiting room with a clipboard, you never hear, “OK … Poopooface, the doctor will see you now.” A cop, likewise, will not ask, “Do you know how fast you were going, Turtlebutt?”

A pet name is part of creating a relationship “culture”—things you do and say that mark the relationship as a distinct little society. (Cutesy handles also tend to, uh, travel better than matching bones through the nose.) Not surprisingly, relationship communication researcher Carol Bruess finds that partners in happy relationships use nicknames more than those in unhappy ones. Referencing previous research, Bruess explains that nickname use both creates intimacy and reflects it. So, it’s possible that your girlfriend’s nicknamery is a ploy—perhaps unconscious— to bring you two closer. (If she talks all cootchie-cuddlycoo, cootchie-cuddly-coo might follow.)

But seeing as you have been “steadily losing interest” in your girlfriend, why are you sitting around pondering nickname use? You need to do your part: Inform your girlfriend that the relationshippypoo can no longer breathe on its owniecakes, and that it’s time she started referring to you as her ex-schmoopie —or, better yet, “that asshole” she used to date. Ω

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica,CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

McClean from 2-4pm at The Village

Events Plaza Stage. New Year’s Eve

Dinner at High Camp from 6-9pm at the Terrace Restaurant at High Camp and a New Year’s Eve Party from 9pm-2am at Olympic House. Th, 12/31, 6pm. Prices vary. The Village at Squaw

Valley USA, 1750 Village East Road,

Olympic Valley, (866) 818-6963. NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY AT 3RD STREET:

Drinking With Clowns will perform into the new year. Th, 12/31, 8pm. 3rd Street, 125 W. Third St., (775) 323-5005, www.facebook.com/3rdstreetbar.

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY AT THE SANDS:

Live music in the 3rd Street Lounge from 9pm-1am featuring John

Dawson Band. Champagne toast at midnight. Tyler Stafford will perform in the Copa Bar & Grill from 6-10pm.

Th, 12/31, 6pm. Free. Sands Regency

Casino Hotel, 345 N. Arlington Ave., (775) 348-2200. NEW YEAR’S EVE ROCKIN’ THE DOME

DANCE PARTY: The year-end party includes DJ dance party, party favors a champagne toast at midnight and fireworks. Th, 12/31. $40. Silver Legacy

Resort Casino, 407 N. Virginia St., (775) 325-7401. NEW YEAR’S EVE SHOW AT DAVIDSON’S

DISTILLERY: Ring in the new year with

Down Time. Th, 12/31, 9:30pm. Free.

Davidson’s Distillery, 275 E. Fourth St., (775) 376-6482. NEW YEAR’S EVE SHOW WITH

DUMPSTAPHUNK & MONOPHONICS: The

New Orleans funk group combine complex funk and jazz arrangements with soulful melodies. Bay Area psychedelic soul band Monophonics open the show. Th, 12/31, 9pm. $45. Crystal

Bay Club, 14 Highway 28, Crystal Bay, (775) 833-6333. NEW YEAR’S EVE SPECTACULAR: The

celebration features the Snow Cat Parade at 4:45pm, followed by the Kids Torchlight at 5:30pm and a fireworks show at 5:50pm. Th, 12/31, 4:30-6:30pm.

Mt. Rose-Ski Tahoe, 22222 Mt. Rose

Highway, (775) 849-0704. NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH JESUS TREJO:

Comedian Jesus Trejo rings says farewell to 2015 with two shows. The early begins at 7pm. $15 in advance, $20 the day of the show. The late show starts at 9:30pm. Tickets are $18 in advance, $23 the day of the show. Th, 12/31.

Carson City Nugget, 507 N. Carson St.,

Carson City, (775) 882-1626, www.renotahoecomedy.com. NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH STEVE SIMEONE:

Comedian Steve Simeone will perform two shows on New Year’s Eve. The early show starts at 6:30pm. Tickets are $20 in advance, $25 the day of the show. The late show begins at 9:30pm. Tickets are $23 in advance, $28 the day of the show. Th, 12/31, 6:30 & 9:30pm. Reno Tahoe Comedy at the

Pioneer Underground, 100 S. Virginia

St., (775) 322-5233. NYE 2015: BOUNCE HEAVY: The party

features headliner Fort Knox Five with guests Qdup, Steve Raskin,

DeeJay Theory, The Rhino, AUX, Bass-

Mentality and IJV. Th, 12/31, 9pm. $20$40. Tahoe Biltmore, 5 Highwya 28,

Crystal Bay, (775) 831-0660. NYE PARTY AT PEEK NIGHTCLUB: Music

spun by DJ Rick Gee & DJ Jayceeoh.

Th, 12/31, 10pm. $20. Harrah’s Lake

Tahoe, 15 Highway 50, Stateline, (775) 588-6611. NYE SHOW WITH QUEENSRÿCHE: The hard

rock band performs. Th, 12/31, 9:30pm. $50. Nugget Casino Resort, 1100

Nugget Ave., Sparks, (775) 356-3300. NYE|FIRE & ICE CELEBRATION: Enjoy live

music, ice skating, roasting s’mores by the fire and a fireworks show at 9pm in The Village at Northstar. Th, 12/31, 9pm. Northstar California Resort, 5001 Northstar Drive,

Truckee, (800) 466-6784. SINGER SOCIAL CLUB NEW YEAR’S BASH:

The party features Black Rock City Allstars. Th, 12/31, 8pm. Free. Singer Social Club, 219 W. Second St., (510) 938-4412.

SPEAKEASY ROARING ’20S NYE PARTY:

The Elbow Room Bar will transform into a modern speakeasy with music by Wunderlust. Champagne toast at midnight. Costumes encouraged. $100 cash prize for most authentic costume and $100 bar tab for best dressed couple. Th, 12/31, 9pm. Free.

Elbow Room Bar, 2002 Victorian Ave.,

Sparks, (775) 358-6700. TEENS NIGHT OUT NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH:

The party is open to teens age 13 and older and includes pizza, dessert station, music and more. The event takes place at Mountain Pizzeria. Th, 12/31, 7pm. $40. Resort at Squaw Creek, 400 Squaw Creek Road, Olympic Valley, (530) 581-6610.

Events

HEAVENLY HOLIDAYS: The festival in the

Heavenly Village features ice sculptors, carolers and a 16-foot interactive snow globe where kids can get their photos taken with Santa. The holiday fun culminates on Dec. 31 with a New Year’s Celebration. M-Su through 12/31. Heavenly Ski Resort, 3860 Saddle Road, South Lake Tahoe, (775) 586-7000, www.skiheavenly.com. HOLIDAYS AT SQUAW ALPINE: Celebrate

the holidays at Squaw Valley|Alpine

Meadows. Meet Santa in The Village at Squaw Valley from 3pm to 7pm on Dec. 24. The Great Basin Carolers will perform throughout the Village from 3pm to 7pm on Dec. 24 and from 4pm to 7pm on Dec. 26. Santa on the Slopes from 10am to 2pm on

Dec. 24-25. Ski with Olympic Gold

Medalist Jonny Moseley from 2pm to 4pm on Dec. 26-31. M-Su through 12/31. Free with lift ticket. Squaw

Valley Resort, 1960 Squaw Valley

Road, Olympic Valley, (800) 403-0206, http://squawalpine.com. MAGICAL MEMORIES: The 11th annual holiday celebration features Breakfast with Santa on Dec. 24-25, as well as seasonal concerts, holiday dining, ice skating and New Year’s Eve parties for adults, teens and kids. M-Su through 1/3. Prices vary by event.

Resort at Squaw Creek, 400 Squaw

Creek Road, Olympic Valley, (800) 327-3353, www.squawcreek.com.

Art

HOLLAND PROJECT GALLERY: Resound.

This show highlights work by eight

Nevadan artists whose influence has helped to shape the art in our region.

Artists include Joan Arrizabalaga,

Robert Morrison, Edw Martinez,

Jim McCormick, Elaine Parks, Nancy

Peppin, Fred Reid and Michael Sarich.

Free. 140 Vesta St., (775) 742-1858, www.hollandreno.org. NEVADA MUSEUM OF ART: Guided Tours.

Tour the featured exhibition with one of the Nevada Museum of Art’s trained docents during a regularly scheduled guided tour offered

Thursdays at 6pm (except First

Thursdays); Saturdays at 1pm and

Sundays at 1pm. Free with admission.

Th, Sa, Su. $1-$10. 160 W. Liberty St., (775) 329-3333. SHEPPARD CONTEMPORARY GALLERY,

CHURCH FINE ARTS BUILDING,

UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, RENO:

Emily Arthur. Printmaker Emily Arthur’s solo exhibition in Sheppard Contemporary explores the ways in Nevada Chamber Music Festival

Reno Chamber Orchestra’s 12th annual festival showcases some of the best local, national and international classical musicians performing chamber works by composers such Mozart, Chopin, Rachmaninoff, Schubert, Brahms, Martinu, Prokofiev and others. There are 10 concerts over the six-day festival, which kicks off on Saturday, Dec. 26, and concludes on Thursday, Dec. 31 with in a New Year’s Eve concert and celebration. Afternoon and evening concerts take place at Nightingale Concert Hall inside the Church Fine Arts Building, 1335 N. Virginia St., at the University of Nevada, Reno and at the South Reno United Methodist Church, 200 DeSpain Lane. Festival passes are $50-$250 and include all 10 concerts. Individual concert tickets are $25-$40 general admission, $5 for youth and full-time students. Call 348-9413 or visit www.renochamberorchestra.org.

—Kelley Lang

which she sees nature as an interdependent living force rather than as the backdrop for human events. M-F through 1/22. Free. 1664 N. Virginia St., (775) 784-6658.

Museums

NATIONAL AUTOMOBILE MUSEUM (THE

HARRAH COLLECTION): SpaceMobiles:

From Rockets and Rovers to Cars on Mars, This exhibit takes a look at America’s fascination with exploring new frontiers and the machines that make it possible. M-Su through 4/11. $4-$10, free for members and children age 5 and younger. 10 S. Lake St., (775) 333-9300. NEVADA MUSEUM OF ART: Tahoe: A Visual

History. Experience Lake Tahoe landscapes through the eyes of 175 painters, photographers, architects, weavers and sculptors. The Nevada Museum of Art has organized the first major art historical survey exhibition of painting, Native baskets, photography, architecture and contemporary art dedicated to Lake Tahoe, Donner Pass and the surrounding Sierra Nevada region. TAHOE: A Visual History spans over two centuries of cultural and creative production related to the second largest freshwater alpine lake in the United States. W-Su through 1/10. $1-$10. 160 W. Liberty St., (775) 329-3333, www.nevadaart.org.

Onstage

A CHRISTMAS CAROL: Laughing Owl

Productions presents the holiday classic based on Charles Dickens’ story and adapted for the Royal Shakespeare Company by John Mortimer. Sa, 12/26, 7:30pm; Su, 12/27, 2pm. $15 in

advance, $20 at the door. Laughing Owl

Productions, 75 S. Wells Ave., www.laughingowlproductions.com. JUSTIN RIVERA: The magician and comedian presents a magic show for all ages. Sa, 12/26, 3pm. $10 ages 12 and younger; $15 ages 13 and older, $12 students and military. Pioneer

Underground, 100 S. Virginia St., (775) 322-5233.

Classes

THE BREASTFEEDING FORUM: Breast-

feeding mothers are invited to join this breast-feeding support group.

Mothers exchange their experiences and discuss concerns such as milk supply, pumping, going back to work, sleeping or lack of sleep, etc. RSVP at http://doodle.com/cy5nrur23mbg6pie. Tu, 4-5pm. $10 drop in; free for first-time attendees. Renown South

Meadows Medical Center, 10101 Double

R Blvd., (775) 240-9916. JIMMY BEANS WOOL KNIT NIGHT: Join local

and visiting fiber enthusiasts for an evening of knitting and crocheting. Fourth Th of every month, 6-8pm. Free.

Jimmy Beans Wool, 1312 Capital Blvd. Ste. 103, (775) 827-9276; www.jimmybeanswool.com.

Community

CROCHET CONNECTION: Learn to crochet

or share tips with other crochet enthusiasts. Th, 4-5:45pm. Free.

Spanish Springs Library, 7100A

Pyramid Lake Highway, located at

Lazy 5 Regional Park, Spanish Springs, (775) 424-1800. CHRISTMAS CAPERS: This winter break program offers field trips, sports, games, crafts and more for students in kindergarten through sixth grade.

Registration is limited to 180 kids.

No program on Dec. 25 or Jan. 1, M-F through Jan. 8. Call to register. $36$144. Sparks Parks & Recreation, 98

Richards Way, Sparks, (775) 353-2376. DEPRESSION BIPOLAR SUPPORT ALLIANCE:

The Reno chapter of the national DBSA meets. Fourth Th of every month,

7-8:30pm. Renown Health Boardroom, 1495 Mill St, (775) 835-6410. GALENA BOOK ’N TEA: Discuss nature-

based literature over hot tea. Call to reserve a spot. Fourth Sa of every month, 3-4pm. Galena Creek Visitor

Center, 18250 Mt. Rose Highway, (775) 849-4948. LIFESCAPES: The memoir writing program for seniors meets. Second and

Fourth Th of every month, 10:30am.

Free. South Valleys Library, 15650A Wedge Parkway, (775) 851-5190; www.washoe.lib.nv.us.

ONE-DAY ART CAMPS: Art, theater, cre-

ative movement and music each day for kids ages 6-10. M, 12/28, 9am-noon; Tu, 12/29, 9am-noon. $20 per camp.

Lake Mansion, 250 Court St., (775) 826-6100 ext. 2. SOUTH VALLEYS BRIDGE GROUP: Join Jill

and meet new friends. Basic bridge knowledge preferred. F, 1-4pm. Free. South Valleys Library, 15650A Wedge Parkway, (775) 851-5190, www.washoe. lib.nv.us.