Film

Monster mush

I, Frankenstein

When I took a look at the slate of movies coming out in January 2014, there was a date on the calendar that I found particularly disturbing and foreboding. That would be January 24, the release date for I, Frankenstein. I feared that date like an ardent Coke drinker with a saltwater taffy addiction and a taste for meth would fear a dental appointment. That fear was well justified, for I, Frankenstein is a movie so bad it will affect your body chemically in a negative way, as if you ingested a chainsaw through your face. I seriously think viewing this film will have an adverse effect on your sphincter, your thyroid, your epiglottis, your self-esteem, and your ability to process mathematics. Seeing I, Frankenstein, even for a few minutes, could diminish your sperm count, cause irreversible eye fungus, and make you inconsolably sad. OK, maybe I should talk about why the film is so crappy, and less about how it will do things like make your ears fall off and create Hell’s vortex in your left nostril. Aaron Eckhart, in a career move that’s as fatal as the time Halle Berry said, “Sure, I’ll play Catwoman. What’s the worst that could happen?” plays Adam Frankenstein, a.k.a. Frankenstein’s Monster. Adam—and I’m going to just call him Adam for the purposes of this review because it’s cute—has led a lonely, undead life for the hundreds of years since he was first stitched together and brought to life by crazy science involving electric eels. Adam has spent those years scowling a lot, and hitting demons with sticks like some sort of super ninja. His look has progressed from gothic longhaired badass to clean cut, but probably stinky, metrosexual, replete with a hoodie/trench coat that is just to die for.

Really, Adam’s coat is the best thing about the movie, and I confess to wanting one. The film takes place in modern day England, where some sort of demon prince (Bill Nighy … OF COURSE!) wants to create an army of Frankenstein Monsters so that he may defeat some sort of gargoyle army that equates to the good guys in this movie. I’m by Bob Grimm not making this up—demons vs. gargoyles aided by a semi-reluctant Adam Frankenstein bgrimm@ in a kickass jacket. That’s the plot. newsreview.com Eckhart doesn’t crack a smile for the whole movie. He never once changes his 1 expression, which might make sense in a Frankenstein sort of way, but makes for monotonous movie viewing. His every line is delivered with a growly croak that sounds like he’s trying to take first place at a movie trailer voiceover contest, or first place in an over earnest, far-too-dramatic, completely vacuous douche contest. He’d probably win the latter. Did I mention that there were gargoyles in this movie? The Gargoyle Order, or whatever the hell it is, is led by Leonore, played by once promising

This is what we had to do to Bob to make him watch this movie.

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excellent Lord of the Rings actress Miranda Otto. When Leonore switches from human to gargoyle form, her chest is void of nipples, for this is a PG-13 rated movie, and we just won’t stand for that sort of thing. There are various poorly staged 3-D battles between demons and gargoyles, and I honestly had no freaking idea what was really going on. I know the demons looked like they were wearing dollar store Halloween masks, and they were trying to fight for the journal of Victor Frankenstein for the recipe on how to reanimate humans. (I think one of the ingredients was coriander.)

As for the post-production 3-D, it is the worst I’ve ever seen. It’s a big mess up there on the screen, with the once reliable Eckhart presiding over it.

No, seriously, what the hell were the producers thinking when they set about making this thing? Putting a new twist on Frankenstein is one thing, but turning him into an ab-tastic ninja with a surly attitude, sexy scars and snappy hoodie is truly pushing it.

I, Frankenstein? More like I, Franklyblow-ass! Ω

4American Hustle David O. Russell continues his impressive directorial roll with this semi-comedic look at the notorious ’70s Abscam scandal. This is basically Russell shooting for Scorsese glory here, and while the style of the movie seems copied at times, there’s no denying the power of the ensemble cast. Bradley Cooper scores laughs as a pathetic FBI agent looking to make a name for himself, and Christian Bale looks great in a comb-over as the conman forced into an alliance with the law. Amy Adams gets one of the strangest roles of the year as a con artist pretending to be British, and she pulls it off quite nicely, while Jennifer Lawrence steals her every scene as a seemingly dim Long Island housewife. You also get stand up comic Louis C.K. as Cooper’s field boss. The film falls a little short of greatness due to its sometimes carbon copy feel, but the cast pulls it out of the fire. It also has the best use of Robert De Niro as a bad guy in many years.

4Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues After nearly a decade of being absent from our movie screens, Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), the world’s greatest newscaster, has returned. This time, it’s the ’80s, and a new media craze called 24 Hour News has Ron and the boys (Paul Rudd’s Brian Fantana, Steve Carell’s Brick Tamland and David Koechner’s Champ Kind) working the late night shift in New York. The plot is basically just a place setter for weird, random humor involving bats, sharks, shadows, scorpions in RVs, and hair. Ferrell and the crew manage to sell the dumbest of things, and they make so much of it funny. Even the stuff that’s just strange has its own humorous appeal. Carell goes super dopey with Brick as he finds a love interest (Kristen Wiig), Champ still loves Ron in a dangerous way, and Brian has a new condom cabinet. I laughed my face off, with this being a sequel that continues the comedic legacy of the brilliant original, and even ups the ante when it comes to anchor-on-anchor battles in the park (the battle scene in this one is one for the ages, and involves fighter jets). The last time they made one of these, they had enough on the cutting room floor to release an entire other movie. I hope that happened here as well, because I don’t want to wait 10 years for more.

4Dallas Buyers Club Matthew McConaughey continues his career resurgence in this film based on the life of Ron Woodroof, a man who tested HIV positive in the ’80s, and had to battle the FDA while smuggling non-approved drugs into the country for himself and fellow sufferers. McConaughey lost many pounds to look the part, and it’s a frightening transformation. He also delivers an incredible performance. This, combined with his work earlier this year in Mud, easily establishes 2013 as the best year of his career. Jared Leto does incredible work as Rayon, a cross-dresser who helps Woodroof distribute the drugs to those needing some sort of treatment. Director Jean-Marc Vallee does a good job of capturing a time where HIV was a death sentence, and the terror that surrounded those who were fighting for their lives. This is a very good movie with great performances.

3Frozen I have to admit I was more into the strange Mickey Mouse short that precedes this musical adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Snow Queen” than the actual feature. It features retro Mickey busting out of a black and white film and becoming 3-D as he battles a bad guy kidnapping Minnie. It’s worth the price of admission. As for the actual feature movie, Kristen Bell and Idina Menzel have wonderful voices, and the visuals are fun to behold in this middle-of-the-road Disney fare. It has a lot of music—some of it quite good, some of it, well, not—and a beautiful look to it. For recent Disney animation, my vote goes to Tangled for best, but that’s not to say this one is a letdown. It’s OK. Just OK. It’s about on par with Pixar’s latest, Monster’s University. It’s fun to watch, but not altogether memorable.

1The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Peter Jackson’s decision to shoot his latest Tolkien trilogy in High Frame Rate 3-D is a tragic, disastrous choice. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, like its predecessor, An Unexpected Journey, is a task to watch. The look of the movie simply doesn’t jibe with the technology, resulting in a visual nightmare. As a middle chapter in The Hobbit saga, Smaug is guilty of the same flaws that marred the first film. It’s overstuffed, the dwarves are severely uninteresting, and the action scenes lack any kind of urgency. It’s just a big, boring stunt film with people looking silly in their getups. As Bilbo, Martin Freeman labors to make things interesting during action scenes that feel redundant. (Hey, it’s another giant icky spider attack!) He definitely stands out among a cast of bland actors playing bland dwarves. Oh Gimli, how you are missed! Jackson finds a way to bring back Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Bloom’s scenes are a bunch of sorry minutes that could be cut from the film’s running time. Too many scenes in this movie feel padded and bloated. With each passing minute, Jackson is doing further damage to his directing legacy. His original Lord of the Rings trilogy was a major triumph. These Hobbit films feel and look like parody. Smaug the dragon (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch) finally shows up, and he is easily the best thing in the Hobbit films thus far. He should’ve arrived in the second half of the first film, and the whole damned thing should’ve been over in three hours.

4Lone Survivor This is an explosive passion project from writer-director Peter Berg that takes an unrelentingly gruesome look at Operation Red Wings, the failed 2005 Afghanistan mission that claimed the lives of 19 American soldiers. Most of the movie centers on the four Navy SEALs dropped into hostile territory, and how an unfortunate civilian encounter and communications problems led to a massive gun battle of insurmountable odds. Mark Wahlberg plays Marcus Luttrell, the Navy SEAL who co-wrote the book this movie is based upon. Luttrell, along with Navy SEALs Michael Murphy (Taylor Kitsch), Danny Dietz (Emile Hirsch) and Matt Axelson (Ben Foster), were performing reconnaissance for a mission meant to capture or kill a notorious Taliban leader when a trio of goat herders stumbled upon their camp. The resultant ambush is filmed with many gory details, and will be a hard watch for some. The stuntmen who worked on this movie did an incredible job, and the cast is one of 2013’s strongest ensembles. This is a nice comeback for Berg after Battleship.

3Nebraska I can’t deny the wonderful acting work from the likes of Bruce Dern, Will Forte, Bob Odenkirk and especially June Squibb. They are all wonderful in this movie. What I can bemoan is the stupid, stupid story propelling that acting. Dern plays an old codger who becomes convinced that he’s won a million dollars because of a magazine subscription letter saying he’s a winner. So he starts walking from Montana to Nebraska, and his son (Forte) eventually helps him on his quest with an automobile. It’s a dumb idea to start, and the premise is too improbable for a serious comedy movie. Still, it does lay the groundwork for some decent father-son dynamic between Dern and Forte, and Odenkirk shows up as another son and knocks his part out of the park. Of the six Oscar nominations this film earned, I would call Squibb the most deserving for her work as Dern’s droll wife. The black and white cinematography is also quite nice. As for Best Screenplay, Best Picture and Best Actor, I wouldn’t go there. The movie is good in a peculiar way, but far from great. The premise annoyed me a bit the whole time I watched it.

4Saving Mr. Banks Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson are charming as Walt Disney and Mary Poppins author P.L. Travers in this obviously whitewashed look at Disney’s attempts at getting Travers’ approval to make a movie out of her book. Of course, most of us know he succeeded, but many don’t know that Travers was quite the holdout. The movie splits time between the Disney/Travers business and Travers’ childhood, where we find out much of Mary Poppins was based on her troubled father (Colin Farrell) and actual nanny. B.J. Novak and Jason Schwartzman are wonderful as the Sherman brothers, who made Poppins into a musical, much to the chagrin of Travers. The movie takes a lot of artistic license with the situation. Even though Travers is depicted as difficult here, she was far more adversarial in real life and never approved of the movie (those animated penguins!). Still, the film is fun to watch, with Hanks and Thompson making it all very worthwhile and heartwarming.