Film

Tour de fraud

The Armstrong Lie

I’ll say this about Lance Armstrong: I couldn’t give two damns about him when he was racing his little bicycle in the Tour de France all those years. Whenever I caught clips of his arrogant ass talking about the sport and defiantly bragging about the legitimacy of his victories, I thought he was a jackass. I didn’t like the image the guy was putting out there, even before his doping scandal truly caught fire after his 2009 comeback. Now that he’s been caught in all sorts of vicious lies, well, I find him oddly compelling. I still think he’s a douchebag, but it’s just so damned interesting to watch him confess in that Oprah interview and, finally, in this “so revealing it’s kind of creepy and you can’t take your eyes off of it” documentary, The Armstrong Lie. In 2009, filmmaker Alex Gibney set out to chronicle Armstrong’s intended triumphant return to cycling, and his attempt to win his eighth Tour de France title. Allegations of Armstrong using performance-enhancing drugs were starting to really haunt one of the world’s most famous athletes. He wanted to come back and prove that he could win the race with a clean bloodstream. Gibney’s documentary has taken on an entirely new look in the wake of the Oprah interview. It is now a chronicle of Armstrong’s many vindictive, damaging lies throughout his career. It is perhaps the most aptly titled movie of the year. Armstrong basically admits in one of the post-apology interviews done for this movie that, had he just stayed retired and walked away from the sport, he probably never would’ve wound up sitting across from Oprah spilling his guts. Because the movie was supposed to be a

chronicle of the 2009 race and the return of the bicycling king, much footage of that race makes it into the movie. That race is used as a framing device for the film. Interspersed are many interviews with the likes of Armstrong, former teammates like the disgraced Floyd Landis, and officials who had, justifiably, targeted Armstrong throughout his career. by Bob Grimm Look, lying about taking steroids, EPO and HGH has been a standard for many bgrimm@ athletes, certainly during the last 20 years. newsreview.com But Armstrong repeatedly threw his friends and teammates under the bus in a disgusting 4 way that The Armstrong Lie shows again and again through archival footage. It’s beyond amazing how brutal this man was, and is—a true example of a person being willing to win at all costs. As for Armstrong’s accomplishments, I see him as something akin to the Six Million Dollar Man, with the bionic parts being replaced by all sorts of funky drugs. Look, a human being isn’t supposed to be able to do what he did in his Tour de France victories—it’s actually inhuman. So whenever I see Lance starting to accelerate on his bike, I know it’s as fake as that Six Million Dollar Man opening where Lee Majors starts out running at an impressive pace, and then they just speed the film up. Armstrong needed tricks of a different order to make him look fast, but they were tricks all the same. The film spends a good portion of its time on Armstrong’s cancer battle, which took place before any of his Tour victories. I had forgotten that the cancer had spread from his testicles all the way up to his brain, resulting in actual brain surgery. His being able to come back from almost certain death and ride again was a spectacular achievement. His decision to further risk his health and taint his sport by injecting all manners of drugs into his body is where he went terribly wrong. So, what was originally intended as testimony to determination and conquering insurmountable adversities has become a profile of some dude with serious integrity issues. The Armstrong Lie is the sorriest of closing chapters to an athletic career you are likely to see. Oh wait … A-Rod. Ω

I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

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excellent 3 Bad Grandpa Johnny Knoxville has tried to parlay his Jackass fame into an acting career, and he hasn’t exactly been setting the world on fire. So, because huge paychecks are tempting, he has returned to the Jackass well numerous times with three official movies, and his body has paid a tremendous toll. The man has thrown himself into the path of buffalos and bulls to score good laughs and, oh man, has he gotten those good laughs. As big as those checks can be, internal bleeding and broken limbs lose their luster after a while. So now we get this, a sort of Jackass movie that has a narrative mixed into hidden camera stunts. It’s very much in the tradition of Borat. Knoxville gets to play one part for the film, that of Irving Zisman, an over-80 letch of an old man that has shown up in past Jackass skits. He’s taking his grandson (Jackson Nicoll) across country, leading to some funny stunts that manage to shock a few. The highlight would be Nicoll dressed in drag and dancing to “Cherry Pie” at a beauty pageant, a moment when he basically steals the movie from Knoxville. Not as outrageous as the other Jackass films, but a nice way to keep the franchise going without destroying Knoxville’s body.

4Dallas Buyers Club Matthew McConaughey continues his career resurgence in this film based on the life of Ron Woodroof, a man who tested HIV positive in the ’80s, and had to battle the FDA while smuggling non-approved drugs into the country for himself and fellow sufferers. McConaughey lost many pounds to look the part, and it’s a frightening transformation. He also delivers an incredible performance. This, combined with his work earlier this year in Mud, easily establishes 2013 as the best year of his career. Jared Leto does incredible work as Rayon, a crossdresser who helps Woodroof distribute the drugs to those needing some sort of treatment. Director Jean-Marc Vallee does a good job of capturing a time where HIV was a death sentence, and the terror that surrounded those who were fighting for their lives. This is a very good movie with great performances.

2Delivery Man Vince Vaughn battles to make this American remake of Starbuck (both directed by Ken Scott) something worthwhile, and he almost wins. He plays David, a meat deliveryman who finds out he’s fathered over 500 children due to sperm clinic donations, and some of those kids want to meet him. David finds out who some of the kids are, spies on them, and tries to serve them as some sort of guardian angel. The film, while containing some genuinely warm moments, lost me in the final stretch where it gets overwhelmed by its dopey plot. Vaughn gives a good performance, as do some of the supporting cast (good to see SNL’s Bobby Moynihan getting some lines), but the pieces don’t add up. The outrageous premise screams for something a little less conventional than what Scott serves up. It’s one of those movies where you can predict all of the choices the protagonist is going to make, which results in boredom.

3Frozen I have to admit I was more into the strange Mickey Mouse short that precedes this musical adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Snow Queen” than the actual feature. It features retro Mickey busting out of a black and white film and becoming 3-D as he battles a bad guy kidnapping Minnie. It’s worth the price of admission. As for the actual feature movie, Kristen Bell and Idina Menzel have wonderful voices, and the visuals are fun to behold in this middle-of-the-road Disney fare. It has a lot of music—some of it quite good, some of it, well, not—and a beautiful look to it. For recent Disney animation, my vote goes to Tangled for best, but that’s not to say this one is a letdown. It’s OK Just OK. It’s about on par with Pixar’s latest, Monster’s University. It’s fun to watch, but not altogether memorable. 2 Homefront Jason Statham and James Franco star in this piece of silliness from the pen of Sylvester Stallone. While I’m not giving it a good review, I can tell you that fans of Statham and Franco probably won’t be too disappointed with this in that both do pretty good jobs of presenting rather stupid material. Statham stars as Broker, a former DEA agent looking for a new life with his young daughter in a place that he so very obviously should’ve stayed away from. Franco stars as Gator, a small-time meth dealer looking to go bigger. When Broker’s daughter punches Gator’s nephew out on the school playground, Gator decides to get involved, and things go haywire. Statham is better than usual here, and Franco is actually kind of great as the bad guy. But Stallone’s screenplay is so routine you can guess the plot points 10 minutes before they happen. Still, it does have Kate Bosworth and Winona Ryder as meth heads, so you could do worse at the movie theaters.

4The Hunger Games: Catching Fire After a sloppy start, The Hunger Games franchise kicks into high gear with this solid, darker chapter. Jennifer Lawrence, looking a little more haggard and embittered, makes for a far more convincing war-torn survivor this time out. Her performance is great, as are the contributions of a bunch of new cast members including Jena Malone, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Sam Claflin. The new look and feel of the series can mostly be attributed to new director Francis Lawrence and his cinematographer Jo Willems, who get rid of that dopey, baroque look of the first movie in favor of something darker. The plot involves Katniss and fellow survivor Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) being forced into another Hunger Games where former victors must compete against each other. This installment has a lot more meat on the bone, and the action is easier to follow thanks to a much less frantic editing style. Francis Lawrence will direct the final two Hunger Games movies, and that’s good news for fans.

2Oldboy It was a dumb, stupid, asinine, ridiculous, idiotic, energy-wasting, sucky, loser, moronic idea to remake Chan-wook Park’s certifiably insane 2003 revenge classic. While I’m fairly open-minded about the idea of remakes, some films should never be touched again. Heck, it’s amazing that the original Oldboy, a tale of captivity, octopus-eating and incest, actually ever made it to the big screen. Spike Lee somehow landed the job of Americanizing Park’s film (after Steven Spielberg flirted with the idea), and he actually does a decent job in the first half. Josh Brolin plays a drunken louse who gets kidnapped and imprisoned in a strange hotel room for 20 years while somebody frames him for the murder of his wife. He is then released, whereupon he starts seeking revenge. The captivity scenes are the best things in the movie, with Brolin doing a good job losing his mind on screen. The movie falls apart when he gets out, although Lee’s attempt to recreate the infamous hallway hammer scene is admirable. Rumor has it Lee’s original cut was an hour longer. I’d like to see that cut, because what made it to the screen feels both unnecessary and incomplete.

3Thor: The Dark World This latest installment is a step back from Kenneth Branagh’s goofy and grand first franchise installment, Thor. While not likely to piss off superhero film fans, this sequel from director Alan Taylor is not going to blow many minds away, either. It’s a semiefficient placeholder flick moving us towards the next Avengers movie, due in 2015. Chris Hemsworth returns as that incredibly handsome man with long hair, a big hammer and impossibly silly dialogue. The film takes place after The Avengers, with a dark ancient force threatening the universe, and only Thor and his imprisoned brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston, stealing the movie) can save us. The movie is OK, but somewhat of a comedown considering how fun the first Thor and The Avengers were. It’s merely a placeholder until Thor’s next appearance in an Avengers movie, with some decent action and special effects to tide us over until the next Marvel fix.