Film

Earthly possession

The Host

Hey kids, especially you aspiring filmmakers, gather around, because Uncle Bob has something to tell you. OK? Now, listen up. I want you to make your next movie experience The Host. I want you to see it as soon as possible, because it’s an important step in your moviemaking education. It’s an important step because it’s the quintessential example of how to make a movie so shitty, Satan would actually turn his nose up and proclaim it too profane for his torture Cineplex down in Hell. This car crash of a movie is based on a novel penned by Stephenie Meyer, writer of the Twilight things and, at this point, one of my sworn enemies. Nothing good has been produced from this writer’s works, and I want her to take up full-time bowling or stenciling to distract her from her computer. Seriously, Stephenie—you have a lot of money now. Please have mercy on those of us who can’t handle your pap. Stop hurting us with your crazy words and ideas. The Host leaves the land of sparkly vampires and journeys to a future Earth where aliens have invaded. These aliens are CGI super white, flowing clusters of psychedelic sperm. They look like the trippy end result of a Daft Punk robot ejaculating (Daft Spunk?). These aliens have traveled through the universe, “bonding” with species by entering through a cut in their necks and turning their eyes light blue. In the opening moments, we see Melanie (Saoirse Ronan), a human resister cornered by alien-infected humans, chief among them The Seeker (Diane Kruger). They give chase, and Melanie plunges through a window to certain death.

Sadly for Ronan, Melanie lives on. Her life is saved after a Tiger Woods-lookalike puts an alien in her neck. She becomes Wanderer (later, Wanda) and seems in line with the alien plan for global domination. But, wait, Melanie is still inside her head, and she’s got some whining to do about the whole body being dominated by an alien thing. by Bob Grimm Watching Ronan having arguments with her inner voice is trash cinema at its absolute bgrimm@ acrid apex. It reminded me of All of Me, newsreview.com that movie where Steve Martin’s body was possessed by Lily Tomlin. While Martin did a 1 fine job arguing with the voice within, Ronan just sounds like a really whacky teenager with voices in her head. Wanda winds up with Melanie’s still human uncle (William Hurt—oh, it’s so sad to see you here) somewhere in the desert. Her uncle and his followers eventually accept Wanda as a friend and family member. She entertains the advances of two boys (Max Irons and Jake Abel), one being Melanie’s old flame and the other being a dude who just thinks alien-possessed girls are super hot. Here are some words you’ll probably see in a lot of reviews for this film: Poor Saoirse Ronan. Here’s a young actress with the talent to command great roles, and yet she finds herself in this swill. Sure, her peeps probably thought getting her a gig in the latest film based on a Stephenie Meyer novel would be a sure thing to get her blockbuster actress status. It’s actually one of the biggest creative bombs of the decade, and will do nothing to move her career forward. I value my minutes here on this Earth. I consider each minute a precious little diamond nugget that I will never get back. Therefore, I don’t normally wish for these minutes to pass me by quickly. I like to savor them. When I was watching The Host, I found myself wishing I was some sort of amazing Time Lord, who could grab the minutes in The Host’s remaining running time—just grab them in my amazingly powerful Time Lord hands—and squash them to death, resulting in their passing without me actually experiencing them. Alas, I just sat there watching The Host helpless and sad, jaws agape and eyes glazed over, aware that some moments on this Earth aren’t precious. They aren’t precious in any way at all. Ω

“Must have the precious! They stole it from us! Sneaky little hobbitses!”

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excellent 4 The Gatekeepers A chilling documentary containing interviews with six surviving members of Shin Bet, the branch of Israeli Intelligence tasked with eliminating alleged terrorists. The six don’t recall their time in the agency with great vigor, but with a great sense of darkness, as if they are permanently damaged from the experience. Director Dror Moreh conducts these interviews mercilessly, getting surprising amounts of information from his incredibly candid subjects. They share inside information on everything from the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin to the circumstances behind the 1984 Bus 300 affair, when the Shin Bet executed two Palestinian bus hijackers. Watching this movie is a truly shocking experience.

1A Good Day to Die Hard The Die Hard franchise has been one of the more reliable action movie franchises in cinematic history—until now. Bruce Willis looks tired, beaten down and embarrassed in this useless installment of the adventures of John McClane. The action takes him to Russia this time, which is a mistake. While there, he helps his son with some espionage crap, another storytelling mistake. He goes up against villains who do not distinguish themselves at all, and this would be the film’s biggest mistake. Die Hard needs a big villain. All of the prior installments had good villains, and that includes naked William Sadler in Die Hard 2. I think McClane has got some good stuff left in the tank, but enough with this garbage involving his kids. And stay the heck out of Russia; that place has lost all of its cinematic bad guy appeal. Little in this movie makes sense and it just doesn’t belong in a category with the first four chapters. Reboot, forget this thing, and start fresh the next time out, sort of like how Rocky Balboa forgot the previous two chapters and restored the Italian Stallion’s dignity.

2G.I. Joe: Retaliation Yes, the sequel is an improvement over the original, but don’t get your hopes up too high. Dwayne Johnson joins something like his 18th franchise, as does Bruce Willis, in this confusing yet sometimes entertaining followup to G.I. Joe: The Sucky First Movie. There are some good action sequences, including a snowy cliff sword battle and the destruction of London. There’s also a lot of clatter about Cobra Commanders and Snake Eyes and a bunch of other toy names I simply lost track of. Channing Tatum and Johnson have a great rapport, and a whole movie with them together could’ve been fun. Unfortunately, Tatum makes an early exit, making way for The Smirk. Willis is OK here, but he doesn’t add all that much. Jonathan Pryce is fairly menacing as two characters: the President of the United States and his evil imposter. I’d tell you some plot details, but that would be a waste of space. Just know that if you plunk down for this you will see a couple of good action sequences and a whole lot of mindless crap.

1The Incredible Burt Wonderstone This movie feels like it should’ve come out in the ‘80s, but it probably would’ve sucked then, too. Steve Carell stars as the title character, a Vegas magician who does a Siegfried & Roy type show with his childhood friend and current stage partner (Steve Buscemi). Not only does Burt have a falling out with his partner, but he also gets stiff competition from a Criss Angel/David Blaine type played by Jim Carrey. Had the movie put the Carrey character as the focus, it probably would’ve been a little better. He gets a few good laughs as a human piñata or when he intentionally drills a hole in his head. Whenever it deals exclusively with Burt’s fall from grace, it’s a straight-up dud. Olivia Wilde actually gets more laughs than Carell in this movie, so that’s a problem.

2Jack the Giant Slayer Director Bryan Singer’s big budget take on the classic fairytale was delayed from last summer, and they should’ve left it in the vault. He’s put together a movie that lacks any real magic because the special effects are bad, and the performances are mostly flat. Nicholas Hoult, so good in Warm Bodies, plays the title character, a farm boy who gets some magic beans, lets them get wet and … ah, you know. Stanley Tucci and Ewan McGregor have supporting roles in what amounts to a whole lot of nothing that cost lots of money. The budget is something in the neighborhood of $200 million, and that budget must’ve gone to Moon Pies for everybody, because it doesn’t show on the screen. Too bad, because I was just telling somebody a couple of months ago how the world could really use a good movie about giants getting hit with stuff. Actually, that’s not true. I’m totally lying.

2Olympus Has Fallen Gerard Butler stars in one of the more ridiculous action films you will see this year. He’s a Secret Service agent on duty the night something very bad happens to the president (Aaron Eckhart), and he winds up with a desk job. When some nasty North Koreans hilariously infiltrate the White House and hold the president and his cabinet hostage in the bunker, it’s time for Gerard to dispense with the paper clips and pick up an automatic weapon! Yes, it’s Die Hard in the White House, or at least it wants to be. There’s some fun to be had here, but the movie has some tragic flaws, including terrible CGI and mawkish patriotic crap that distracts rather than making the heart swell (Melissa Leo screaming the Pledge of Allegiance as she is dragged to certain death comes to mind). You aren’t going to catch me calling this a good movie, but I won’t fault you for enjoying it to some degree if you choose to see it. It’s one of those “so bad it’s almost good” movies.

2Oz the Great and Powerful James Franco is in over his head for Sam Raimi’s mostly lame prequel to The Wizard of Oz. The title character calls for somebody with that old school Hollywood charm like Robert Downey, Jr., or Johnny Depp. Franco looks like a kid playing dress up here, and he’s not even the worst thing about the movie. That would be Mila Kunis looking completely lost as the witch who will become that witch we all know from the original Oz. I’m sorry—that witch isn’t supposed to be all corseted and hot. As for Rachel Weisz, she fares best as yet another witch, while Michelle Williams is just serviceable as Glinda the Good Witch. Raimi relies heavily on CGI effects—big surprise—and they look pretty crappy for the most part. This is an underwhelming movie in much the same way his Spider-Man 3 missed the mark. It’s overblown, misguided and odd.

4Silver Linings Playbook Bradley Cooper is on fire as Pat, a troubled man recently out of a mental institution and obsessed with his ex-wife. He’s so obsessed hat he can’t see the value in Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), a recently widowed neighbor trying to befriend him. Directed by David O. Russell, the movie is a funny, slick treatment of people with real problems that works because Russell and his performers find the right balance. Robert De Niro does his best work in years as Pat’s obsessive father, and Chris Tucker gets big laughs as Pat’s former mental institution buddy. Cooper and Lawrence make for one of the year’s most interesting screen couples. They are certainly unique. Russell is establishing himself as one of the industry’s most reliable and innovative directors.

1Spring Breakers This looked like it would be fun. A movie full of bikini-clad starlets, including Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez, going on a crime spree to raise money for a spring break trip, and then continuing the crime spree when they get to Florida. Director Harmony Korine blows a good opportunity for fun by making a repetitive, slow, sloppy movie with no script. James Franco shows up as a rapper/crime lord who can’t rap for dick and looks like an idiot. I was hoping Franco could bring some offbeat fun to the party, but all we get is him describing the contents of his room and making up stupid songs. This one feels like the director shot about fifteen minutes worth of worthy footage and stretched it out by repeating said footage or picking stuff up off the cutting room floor and throwing it back in. It’s getting some relatively decent critical acclaim, and this shocks me. This shocks me on many levels.