Film

Beanstalk is cheap

Jack the Giant Slayer

After having its release postponed last year, Jack the Giant Slayer finally makes it to screens—with a reported budget somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 million. This thing will go down as one of the worst domestic flops in recent Hollywood history. Director Bryan Singer, who took a lot of flak for his underperforming Superman Returns—a film I liked—has put together a visual mess whose budget doesn’t show on the screen. The movie features live actors performing alongside CGI giants, and the live action doesn’t integrate with the effects at all. Sometimes, a director just doesn’t find that comfortable balance between live action and CGI, and you just sense the actors standing on a soundstage barking at something that will be added in later. The effects have a cartoon quality that had me wondering why they didn’t just make this a CGI animated adventure. It’s not like they have huge stars anchoring the picture. Will Smith fought cartoon zombies in I Am Legend, but you forgave the silliness of those cartoon zombies because Smith sold the whole damned thing. The responsibility of selling Jack rests on the shoulders of the likeable but not extremely charismatic Nicholas Hoult (very good in this year’s Warm Bodies). He plays the title character with enough charm to make the movie mostly tolerable, but never takes it to great heights. Ewan McGregor and Stanley Tucci have supporting roles, and they actually register more than Hoult. Unlike the classic fairytale, Jack must go up against an army of giants this time out. Those giants are created via motion capture that is never convincing or impressive. In fact,

the lineup of giant characters looks quite bad. There just isn’t a nice way to say it. It doesn’t help matters that the lead giant, a two-headed concoction named General Fallon, is voiced by Bill Nighy. Nighy, of course, voiced the villainous Davy Jones in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and his work here is similar so you spend the movie being by Bob Grimm constantly reminded of his better performance as a more interesting villain in another picture. bgrimm@ It also doesn’t help that Fallon’s simpleminded newsreview.com second head is a total Gollum rip-off. The movie is rated PG-13, but don’t be 2 taking the little kids. Singer has inserted many violent moments where the giants dispatch human victims, King Kong style. That means many people get snatched up and have their screaming heads bitten off. Granted, Singer doesn’t show the bloody aftermath, and usually pulls away before the tearing is complete, but it’s pretty shocking for what’s supposed to be a family film. As this film’s love interest, the reluctant princess who runs away from her puny king dad (Ian McShane), relative newcomer Eleanor Tomlinson doesn’t exactly light up the screen. This isn’t necessarily her fault, in that the screenplay provides her with nothing but flat dialogue and the wardrobe department makes her wear silly hats. For the kids, Singer does allow for a few farts and boogers. I suppose he thinks that balances it all out. “Yes, giants rip heads off screaming victims in this movie quite often, but I will throw in a couple of farts to keep the kids laughing.” I’m curious as to why Warner Brothers moved this from its original release date last summer. Is it because they wanted to do some more work on the special effects in an effort to make them look better? (If so, they failed.) Or did they know they had a stinker on their hands, and a March release would lessen the competition? Either way, they have a relative stinker on their hands. Up next for Singer is a return to the X-Men universe with X-Men: Days of Future Past. That’s encouraging news, for sure, and it’s good to know he will be back on familiar ground. Let’s just hope none of the X-Men fart, pick their nose, or bite somebody’s head off. Ω

“You did tell your mom and dad we were going to meet them here for a picnic, right?”

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Very Good 5

excellent 1 21 and Over Directors Jon Lucas and Scott Moore, the writers of The Hangover, basically serve up yet another strain of that film, this one set in a college town with college kids drinking a lot and getting into all kinds of college trouble. Miles Teller (who was in the similarly stupid Project X) headlines as Miller, friend to one Jeff Chang (Justin Chon). Jeff Chang is turning 21, and Miller takes him out for a night of partying with pal Casey (Skylar Astin) and, guess what, they all get crazy drunk and stuff. Nothing even close to new or original in these scenarios. The only thing keeping this from being totally lousy is that the actors play off each other well, especially Teller and Astin. If you crack up when people eat tampons or get their asses branded, well this one’s for you. If you get mildly annoyed at racist humor coupled with guys playing drinking games, go ahead and stay far away.

1A Good Day to Die Hard The Die Hard franchise has been one of the more reliable action movie franchises in cinematic history—until now. Bruce Willis looks tired, beaten down and embarrassed in this useless installment of the adventures of John McClane. The action takes him to Russia this time, which is a mistake. While there, he helps his son with some espionage crap, another storytelling mistake. He goes up against villains who do not distinguish themselves at all, and this would be the film’s biggest mistake. Die Hard needs a big villain. All of the prior installments had good villains, and that includes naked William Sadler in Die Hard 2. I think McClane has got some good stuff left in the tank, but enough with this garbage involving his kids. And stay the heck out of Russia; that place has lost all of its cinematic bad guy appeal. Little in this movie makes sense and it just doesn’t belong in a category with the first four chapters. Reboot, forget this thing, and start fresh the next time out, sort of like how Rocky Balboa forgot the previous two chapters and restored the Italian Stallion’s dignity.

2Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters This seriously had the makings of the worst, dumbest movie ever made. Hansel and Gretel, the famed gingerbread house eaters, survive their ordeal to become world-class witch hunters. The result is bad, but it’s one of those so-bad-it’s-almost-good endeavors. Jeremy Renner somehow got talked into this thing, and he gives it his best shot, as does Gemma Arterton as his sister, Gretel. Famke Janssen is on hand as a mean witch who plans to take the blood of a bunch of children and do something or other with it. I wasn’t really following, or caring. The 3-D is bad, so go ahead and opt for 2-D. It’s got Peter “Where is Pancakes House?” Stormare in it too, which is usually the mark of a bad film unless it’s Fargo. Lots of blood and curse words get this one an R-rating. Director Tommy Wirkola seems as if he’s playing it for camp at times, and that would’ve been the better move for the whole film. It really slows down when it takes itself too seriously.

1Identity Thief Cashing in on her Oscar-nominated turn in Bridesmaids, Melissa McCarthy gets a headlining role alongside Jason Bateman in Identity Thief. While both performers are talented and make the best of the crap heap of a script they are handed, it’s not enough to make this anything more than a desperate misfire. From the director of Horrible Bosses, this is just another riff on Planes, Trains & Automobiles minus much of the fun. Bateman plays a sorry sap who has his identity stolen by a free shopping weirdo (McCarthy). He gets into some legal troubles, and vows to capture the thief and bring her back to his hometown. So it’s another odd couple road movie, and pretty exploitive when it comes to McCarthy. She’s a talented woman, and she deserves much better than this.

5Les Misérables This is a grand, beautifully shot adaptation of the legendary musical, directed by Tom Hooper and starring Hugh Jackman in the heavy-lifting role of persecuted bread thief Jean Valjean. Set in 19th century France, the musical calls for nearly every word to be sung, and it’s a major undertaking. Hooper had his cast sing live on the set rather than prerecording in a sound booth, and this results in a moving musical experience. Jackman has a spectacular voice, and you get at true sense that he and his costars are acting these songs, rather than lip-synching. Anne Hathaway will probably win an Oscar for her work as Fantine, singing her big number in one take and summoning honest, heart-wrenching tears. Russell Crowe, as Valjean’s lawman nemesis Javert, doesn’t have half of Jackman’s voice, but there’s something about his interpretation that’s appropriate and amplifies the character’s loneliness. Every number is treated with a majestic grace that makes this one of the greatest movie musicals I’ve ever seen.

3Side Effects The first half of director Steven Soderbergh’s alleged feature film’s swan song is excellent, while the second half is only passably good. Jude Law stars as a doctor treating a depressed patient (Rooney Mara) who is given an experimental drug with some nasty results. The film is at once a mystery and an indictment of the worldwide pharmaceutical industry, and it hums along nicely for a good chunk of the running time. Then, it suddenly becomes a mediocre Brian De Palma movie as the mysteries are solved, and it gets a little hokey. Good things happen before it unravels, with Mara doing some nice work alongside Channing Tatum and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Soderbergh says this is it for him. Hopefully, he just takes a couple of years off and finds himself back behind the camera someday. This movie is OK, but I would like to see him go out on a better note.

4Silver Linings Playbook Bradley Cooper is on fire as Pat, a troubled man recently out of a mental institution and obsessed with his ex-wife. He’s so obsessed hat he can’t see the value in Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), a recently widowed neighbor trying to befriend him. Directed by David O. Russell, the movie is a funny, slick treatment of people with real problems that works because Russell and his performers find the right balance. Robert De Niro does his best work in years as Pat’s obsessive father, and Chris Tucker gets big laughs as Pat’s former mental institution buddy. Cooper and Lawrence make for one of the year’s most interesting screen couples. They are certainly unique. Russell is establishing himself as one of the industry’s most reliable and innovative directors.

3Snitch Dwayne Johnson—ACTOR! He has dropped his alias, “The Rock,” from his screen name, and now stars in a movie where he doesn’t even fire a machine gun or show off his glorious tattoos. Johnson plays the father of a young man who gets into trouble after a friend mails him a whole lot of drugs. Unless the son turns in somebody for distributing drugs and “snitches,” he will face a long jail sentence. Johnson’s character decides to take matters into his own hands, find some drug dealers, and turn them in so his misunderstood son can walk free. This one was a lot better than I was expecting because Johnson really steps up and makes the whole thing work. It’s predictable, yet well paced, a good-looking and well-acted action thriller. Johnson will be coming to a theater near you firing many guns and showing off his ink in the near future (quite often in 2013). For now, it’s kind of cool to see him do something a little different, and doing it effectively.

5Zero Dark Thirty Director Kathryn Bigelow getting snubbed by Oscar for this taut, scary, intelligent movie about the war on terror and hunt for Bin Laden is a travesty. Well, it’s a travesty when it comes to movies and stuff, not so much in the grand scheme of things. Still, Bigelow deserves praise for putting together a movie that is both exciting political thriller and terrific action movie. Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee Jessica Chastain is deserving of the accolades as Maya, a composite character of CIA agents who managed to find Bin Laden in Pakistan and end his life. The film contains scenes of torture, but it doesn’t feel “pro-torture” by any means. It’s a great movie that will only get greater with time, and yet another reason to call Bigelow one of the best in the business.