Film

I’ll be back pain

The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to starring roles with The Last Stand, a fledgling film that falls somewhere in the middle of the Arnie canon. It’s not a totally bad effort, but it’s not anything to get all that excited about, either. That’s right, Arnold is back, murdering the English language with his own special brand of finesse and refusing to take his top off. He needs a little more time of the HGH to kick in so he can take off his shirt, Stallone-style! Arnie plays Ray Owens, sheriff of a small town near the Mexican border. When stopping into a local diner to have some coffee, he notices one of the patrons is played by Peter “Where is pancakes house?” Stormare (the actor who put Steve Buscemi through the wood-chipper in Fargo). Ray correctly assesses that this guy means trouble, and bad things begin to happen. Adrug cartel baddie named Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) has busted out of a U.S. prison and is racing towards Ray’s town in an incredibly fast Corvette, attempting to cross the border. The Stormare character is part of a team sent in advance to make sure conditions are clear for crossing, which means shooting the occasional farmer brandishing a shotgun. The angry farmer is played by—you guessed it—Harry Dean Stanton. Ray has “seen things” in his past L.A. cop days, so he’s prepared for a good fight. His deputies include the wet-behind-the-ears newbie (Zach Gilford), the hot girl deputy (Jaimie Alexander), and another cop played by Luis Guzman, who, like Stanton, always seems to show up in movies like this.

The same can be said for Johnny Knoxville, who once again finds himself playing the wily comic relief in a “sheriff takes a stand” movie. It’s something he also did, to relatively little success, with The Rock in Walking Tall. He’s basically in this movie to wear kooky hats and make funny faces. I have come to the decision that I do not enjoy Knoxville on screen unless he’s being struck in the gonads by a charging bull or run over by a buffalo herd. by Bob Grimm Director Jee-woon Kim offers up some great car chases—including an especially good bgrimm@ one in a dried out corn field—some decent newsreview.com explosions, and lots of cartoon violence. A standout gory moment occurs when Knoxville shoots somebody with a flare gun. The film is 2 never boring, and gets some good grades for its action content. As for the plot, it feels much like a movie you’ve seen before, like the aforementioned Walking Tall, or even Cop Land, which starred a somber Sly Stallone as a lonely sheriff taking a stand against corruption. Stallone played that role when his career took a dip, and he was looking to change up his image and get a vocational jumpstart. As we now know, Stallone didn’t get things swinging again until he played Rocky and Rambo as old guys. I’m thinking Schwarzenegger won’t see his career really spark up again until some of his future slate comes to fruition. That future slate includes a new Terminator, a shirtless, older Conan the Barbarian with saggy man tits, and a sequel to Twins. On a purely performance level, this probably contains Arnie’s best acting yet. He has a few moments when it almost seems like he knows how to actually act rather than just blow things up or punch people. I guess nearly two decades in politics gave him a chance to hone his bullshitting skills. Something about this whole enterprise feels a little off. The Last Stand is drive-in movie material released in the dead of winter. Bad move, Lionsgate. It doesn’t help that movie violence and gun control issues are hot topics right now, making folks more likely to see a Jessica Chastain movie rather than an aging action star looking for a comeback. Mediocre movie aside, it’s good to see Arnold back on the big screen in a central role. Next time out, I’m hoping the movie is a little better. Ω

Is it still too soon to make a joke about Kindergarten Cop?

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3A Haunted House I hate the Paranormal Activity sequels. Maybe that’s why this Marlon Wayans spoof of PAsequels, and other found-footage horror movies, had me laughing hard at times. Perhaps I’m in the target audience ready to laugh at the stupidity of foundfootage horror. Perhaps it’s because I think farts are funny. Either way, I’d be lying if I told you this didn’t have me laughing. Wayans plays a guy who has his girlfriend (Essence Atkins) moving in, so he buys a camera and gets security cams installed as well. The girl brings a demon with her, and that demon likes to get high and sleep with both of them while the cameras are rolling. This movie works because Wayans is fully committed to the lunacy, as is Atkins. It’s no comedy classic, but it scores enough raunchy laughs to qualify it as a keeper.

3Django Unchained Man, it bugs me that Quentin Tarantino’s latest is only passably entertaining. I have loved his past films. This is the first one I’m not in love with. Jamie Foxx plays Django, a slave purchased by a bounty hunter (Christoph Waltz) two years before the Civil War. Django is purchased because he has seen some targets the bounty hunter is pursuing. Django is promised his freedom after they find those targets. When those targets are gotten, they pursue Django’s wife (Kerry Washington) on a plantation owned by the repellent Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio). This one follows some of the same blueprints as Tarantino’s own Inglourious Basterds. It feels as if he is repeating himself a bit. There are some great performances, especially from Waltz and DiCaprio. It just doesn’t have the heft of past Tarantino efforts. Perhaps this has something to do with this being the first Tarantino movie edited by someone other than the late Sally Menke.

1Gangster Squad An impressive cast is assembled to play one lousy game of cops and robbers. Sean Penn mugs and squawks through the role of Mickey Cohen, real life L.A. gangster who didn’t really do anything depicted in this moronic movie. This is about a late ’40s, mostly fictional effort to dethrone Cohen led by a gutsy cop (Josh Brolin). His squad includes Ryan Gosling (in his worst performance yet) and Giovanni Ribisi (pretty much doing his Giovanni Ribisi thing), and they “leave their badges home” to take down the monster. And a monster he is, badly acted by Penn who can just be the worst man in his trade when he tries. Gosling uses a soft and high-pitched gangster voice that renders him silly. Emma Stone is on hand in what is a rather unlikeable role, yet we are supposed to like her. (She sleeps with Cohen, then two-times him, so she’s stupid and unfaithful.) Sure to stand as one of the year’s worst films.

5The Impossible A family struggles to survive in Thailand after the massive 2004 tsunami that claimed more than 230,000 lives. Naomi Watts is Oscar-worthy as Maria Belon and Ewan McGregor is equally good as her husband Henry. The two are on Christmas vacation with their children when the tsunami hits, and become separated. Tom Holland gives one of the great breakthrough performances of 2012 as their oldest son. Amazingly, the film is based on real people and their actual experiences. Director Juan Antonio Bayona has made a respectful film about one of the worst recorded disasters in human history. It’s a testament to the people who lost their lives, and those who survived. Watts will tear your heart out, especially when she lets out her first, terrifying scream. Of all the images that stuck in my head from 2012 films, that one might be the one I’ll remember the most. 5Les Misérables This is a grand, beautifully shot adaptation of the legendary musical, directed by Tom Hooper and starring Hugh Jackman in the heavy-lifting role of persecuted bread thief Jean Valjean. Set in 19th century France, the musical calls for nearly every word to be sung, and it’s a major undertaking. Hooper had his cast sing live on the set rather than prerecording in a sound booth, and this results in a moving musical experience. Jackman has a spectacular voice, and you get at true sense that he and his costars are acting these songs, rather than lip-synching. Anne Hathaway will probably win an Oscar for her work as Fantine, singing her big number in one take and summoning honest, heartwrenching tears. Russell Crowe, as Valjean’s lawman nemesis Javert, doesn’t have half of Jackman’s voice, but there’s something about his interpretation that’s appropriate and amplifies the character’s loneliness. Every number is treated with a majestic grace that makes this one of the greatest movie musicals I’ve ever seen.

3Mama This genuinely chilling haunted fairytale comes from producer Guillermo del Toro and writer/director Andrés Muschietti, and is based on Mushcietti’s original short film. Two little girls are abandoned by their demented father in the forest. They are discovered years later and adopted by their uncle (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and his girlfriend (Jessica Chastain). The little girls have taken on the characteristics of feral beasts and are convinced they are being watched over by a force they call “Mama.” As it turns out, Mama is very real, and a decent CGI creation that is both scary and just the right touch of funny. The film works well not just because Muschietti knows how to construct a good scare, but also because he does a great job getting you to care for the little girls and the Chastain character. Chastain, looking rather gothic in this one, delivers another good performance, even though she isn’t very convincing as a bass player in a punk band. I was scared throughout much of this movie.

4Silver Linings Playbook Bradley Cooper is on fire as Pat, a troubled man recently out of a mental institution and obsessed with his ex-wife. He’s so obsessed that he can’t see the value in Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence), a recently widowed neighbor trying to befriend him. Directed by David O. Russell, the movie is a funny, slick treatment of people with real problems that works because Russell and his performers find the right balance. Robert De Niro does his best work in years as Pat’s obsessive father, and Chris Tucker gets big laughs as Pat’s former mental institution buddy. Cooper and Lawrence make for one of the year’s most interesting screen couples. They are certainly unique. Russell is establishing himself as one of the industry’s most reliable and innovative directors.

5Zero Dark Thirty Director Kathryn Bigelow getting snubbed by Oscar for this taut, scary, intelligent movie about the war on terror and hunt for Bin Laden is a travesty. Well, it’s a travesty when it comes to movies and stuff, not so much in the grand scheme of things. Still, Bigelow deserves praise for putting together a movie that is both exciting political thriller and terrific action movie. Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee Jessica Chastain is deserving of the accolades as Maya, a composite character of CIA agents who managed to find Bin Laden in Pakistan and end his life. The film contains scenes of torture, but it doesn’t feel “pro-torture” by any means. It’s a great movie that will only get greater with time, and yet another reason to call Bigelow one of the best in the business.

Reno

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