Film

Free! The boring dead

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Somewhere in the development of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, somebody made the call to play it completely straight, as though Honest Abe was a serious enemy to the undead during his young adulthood and presidency, and there was nothing funny about it. Big mistake. This film has no sense of humor. None. It wants to be taken seriously, but that’s simply impossible. It’s a movie about Abraham Lincoln killing vampires. It needs to be stupid and campy, and it plays like a really bad Civil War movie with the occasional bloodsucker thrown in for spice. I suppose this would be forgivable if director Timur Bekmambetov—director of the interesting vampire flick Nightwatch and the entertaining Wanted—had assembled some decent action scenes. The film is surprisingly lacking when it comes to the action sequences. Abraham Lincoln (played by Benjamin Walker) looks cool the first couple of times he swings away with his axe, but it gets old fast. The fight scenes are edited so quickly and sloppily it’s hard to follow any of the action. As for the vampires, they are just cartoons. CGI can be a great thing, but its over-use here takes you right out of the film, and the battles lose any sense of tension. CGI also mars the big action scenes, like the final battle aboard a train on a fiery bridge. You feel the protagonists are more in danger of death via an invasive computer virus than a rabid vampire.

Walker makes a decent enough Lincoln as far as appearances go. He sort of has a young Liam Neeson vibe going for him. Yet, he isn’t given much to do other than look the part. Timothy Olyphant, Eric Bana and Adrien Brody were all considered for the role, and I can’t help but think any of those actors would’ve brought a little more pizzazz to the film. Rufus Sewell and Marton Csokas play Lincoln’s main vampire adversaries, and they by are dull, dull, dull. You know you are in badBob Grimm shape if Rufus Sewell is playing your main bad bgrimm@ guy. He is an actor with zero charisma. newsreview.com This is a film that actually manages to make Mary Elizabeth Winstead completely uninteresting (as opposed to The Thing, where she was 2 only mildly uninteresting). As Mary Todd Lincoln, she’s forced to stand around in period hairdo and dress. When I read that Winstead was in this, I thought for sure she would swing into action along with Lincoln. How fun would it have been if they were a husband/wife vampire killing crew? Nope, Winstead, who has action movie chops, just stands around moping because Abe tells fibs about what he does with his nights. That’s a wasted opportunity. Doesn’t the title alone suggest campy, goofy fun? Wouldn’t you expect to laugh a few times at the sight of the iconic stovepipe hatwearing Lincoln blasting bloodsuckers? You are more likely to yawn than even chortle. The movie desperately needs a solid star. They should’ve paid somebody like Civil War movie vet Kevin Costner to play the head vampire, what with his Dances With Wolves pedigree. That would’ve been good weird fun. As for the tone, I was expecting something more like Evil Dead 2 than the stupid Underworld movies. The film does suggest that the Confederacy consisted of many vampires, and the tide of the war didn’t turn until Lincoln realized he had to use silver on them. (I thought that was for werewolves.) Again, the Confederacy being a bunch of vampires could be funny, but nothing is done with the premise other than the occasional confederate soldier’s face sprouting fangs via shite special effects. And if you are going to see this despite my warning, don’t shell out the extra for 3-D. This is some of worst 3-D since the 2010 Clash of the Titans. How can you make a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter boring? Bekmambetov has most certainly found a way. Ω

“I’m going after every review of this movie!”

1

POOR

2

FAIR

3

GOOD

4

VERY GOOD

5

EXCELLENT

2Hysteria This film tells the story of Mortimer Granville (Hugh Dancy) and his participation in the invention of the first vibrator as a means of curing female “hysteria” in the late 1800s. Fed up with working for doctors who still peddle leeches and don’t believe in germs, Granville goes to work for Dr. Robert Dalrymple (Jonathan Pryce), who basically runs a clinic that gets women off using his hands. When Granville no longer can cure his patients because of hand cramps, he’s dismissed, only to return when his friend Edmund St. JohnSmythe (Rupert Everett) converts his electric feather duster into, essentially, a sex toy. Maggie Gyllenhaal stars as Charlotte Dalrymple, the doctor’s daughter and rebel working to help the poor and occasionally punch cops in the face. The film has an uninteresting romance between her and Granville. Things get off to a funny and spirited start, but it peters out in the end, culminating with a courtroom drama that feels stale.

3Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted The third in this franchise winds up being the best, and a decent comeback after a bland second installment. The zoo animals, still kicking it in Africa, wind up on a European tour with a circus, which gives writers Eric Darnell and Noah Baumbach the opportunity to introduce some fun new characters. These include a hoop-jumping tiger (voiced by Bryan Cranston), an evil animal control officer (Frances McDormand) and, most winningly, a dopey seal named Stefano voiced wonderfully by Martin Short. This one is a bit touched in the head, as evidenced by the “Circus Afro” sequence featured in the advertising campaign. Darnell and Baumbach write good jokes that will keep both the adults and children laughing. Stars the voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer and Jada Pinkett Smith.

4Prometheus In this prequel to his own Alien, director Ridley Scott explores all new angles in his monster universe via eye-popping 3-D visuals and intense storytelling. When scientists discover cave drawings that appear to be superior alien intelligence inviting us for a visit, an exploratory space mission travels to a distant galaxy in search of our origins. What they find involves tentacles, slime, gnarly self-administered operations and general despair. Noomi Rapace takes on the female heroine role, with Charlize Theron along for the ride as a mysterious mission commander. Best of all is Michael Fassbender as David, a strange android who models himself after Peter O’Toole. With this, Scott proves that he is still a master of the sci-fi genre, a genre he hasn’t visited since his 1982 Blade Runner—he’s rumored to be working on a sequel to that classic, as well. The ending of this one, hopefully, paves the way for another chapter—a chapter I sincerely hope Scott is involved in.

3Rock of Ages The hit Broadway play featuring ’80s hair rock comes to the big screen courtesy of director Adam Shankman (Hairspray) and the results are a mixed bag. But one of the things in that bag would be Tom Cruise as jaded rock star Stacee Jaxx, a role that affords Mr. Cruise the opportunity to sing, and sing well. He belts out songs like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and “Wanted Dead or Alive” with such authority, it’s a wonder we haven’t heard this guy singing sooner. Julianne Hough is so-so in your typical “girl moves to the big city to make it big” role. Other members of the cast, including Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand and Catherine ZetaJones all have some fun singing crap songs. The movie is overlong, and not too bright, yet enjoyable whenever Cruise takes over. It’s sort of worth seeing for him. 3Snow White and the Huntsman The 347th Snow Whitemovie this year is actually a fairly decent one, with Kristen Stewart doing a fine job as the title character and Chris Hemsworth contributing nicely as the ax-wielding Hunstman. Best of all the cast is Charlize Theron as Ravenna, a loony queen hell-bent on staying young and eating Snow’s heart. Director Rupert Sanders puts together a swell visual movie, especially in the way he creates dwarves out of actors like Nick Frost, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins and Toby Jones. The movie is quite good when it features Snow White running around in various enchanted forests, though not so much in the final act, where it becomes a weird Joan of Arc movie. The last act feels tacked on, like it belongs on another film. Still, Stewart is quite winning here and Theron is a bona fide scene-stealer.

2That’s My Boy I’ve been hating—vehemently hating— Adam Sandler’s broad comedies of late. Jack and Jill, Grown Ups, Just Go with Itand Bedtime Storiesall blew. Funny Peoplewas great, but that wasn’t a Sandler vehicle. It worked because Judd Apatow was at the helm. Watching Sandler’s latest, in which he plays a former child star who got his teacher pregnant, I found myself almost liking it. It’s bad, but it’s almost good-bad in a Billy Madison sort of way. I’ve really been longing for the days when I could go to a Sandler film, shut my brain off, and revel in how creatively and comically stupid it could be. Andy Samberg stars as Sandler’s son, and jokes about whacking off to grandmas, pants shitting and incest ensue. There are some solid laughs, but a lot of duds. Will Sandler ever get his dumb comedy mojo back? He’s currently working on Grown Ups 2, so the future is bleak.

4Brave After the severe misstep that was Cars 2, Pixar gets back to goodness with this, the tale of Merida (voice of Kelly Macdonald). Merida is a princess who doesn’t want to conform to tradition, shooting arrows better than any of the boys in or around her kingdom, and not really too keen about marrying any of them under arranged circumstances. When a spell is cast on family members, she must search for a way to restore normalcy, while convincing her mom (Emma Thompson) that she has the right to choose her own destiny. Merida is a fun character, and Macdonald is the perfect voice for her. As for the look of this movie, it is beautiful for its entire running time. While I’ve liked many Pixar films more than this one, that is not a dig on this movie. It might not be one of the best the studio has offered, but it is still a highly entertaining piece of work.

5Moonrise Kingdom Writer-director Wes Anderson’s return to live action after his animated gem Fantastic Mr. Foxis probably the most “Wes Anderson” Wes Anderson movie yet, and that’s a good thing if you love the guy (I do!). The story here is set in 1965, where Sam the Khaki Scout (newcomer Jared Gilman) has flown the coop during a camping expedition, much to the worry of Scout Master Ward, (Edward Norton, in his funniest performance yet). Sam runs away with Suzy (Kara Hayward, also a newcomer), and they have themselves a romantic couple of days while parents and authority figures frantically search for them. The adolescent puppy love story is treated with the sort of storybook grace one would expect from Anderson. Every shot is a thing of beauty. Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand and Jason Schwartzman all contribute wonderfully in what stands, and will stand, as one of the year’s best films.

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