Film

Rated “arrrr!”

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

From the producer of Wallace and Gromit comes something a helluva lot funnier than Wallace and Gromit! I’ve always found Wallace and Gromit amusing, but The Pirates! Band of Misfits excels in a brand of weird, random comedy that had me laughing out loud often. Not so much a pirate movie than a fictional goof about what a jerk Charles Darwin could’ve been in his younger days, it has a lot of laughs that come out of nowhere, and make no sense, and that’s something I happen to love very much when done right. Hugh Grant most entertainingly voices the Pirate Captain, trying his best to win the coveted Pirate of the Year Award, which usually goes to Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven). Determined to score a lot of booty and increase his chances for victory in the contest, he sets out to pillage a bunch of boats and gather the gold. Things don’t go well. He attacks a ghost ship, a plague ship and an elementary school field trip ship, none of them bringing monetary awards. With his fat parrot Polly in tow, he invades the science ship of Charles Darwin (David Tennant), who has never kissed a real girl, and happens to notice that Polly is, in fact, a Dodo. The film then becomes about The Pirate Captain trying to get the Scientist of the Year award, which, as Darwin tells him, brings untold riches. He would then add those untold riches to his yearly loot, and finally win the coveted Pirate of the Year Award.

The film’s villain is—you guessed it— Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton), who hates pirates and likes to eat rare species, much like Marlon Brando’s clientele did in The Freshman. The Claymation technique is fun to watch in 3-D, although it isn’t absolutely necessary to pay for the glasses. A2-D viewing would be just fine. I was especially impressed with the look of the stop-motion foamy beers (cotton, by maybe?). While the film is a visual treat, itsBob Grimm biggest asset is its nutty sense of humor. bgrimm@ Its best running gag is a chimpanzee, who’s newsreview.com the subject of a crazy Darwin experiment. He’s forced to wear a suit to prove that he will eventually start acting like a dude—more4 specifically, a butler. The chimp communicates with index cards that always seem to say exactly what the moment calls for. Other strange touches include Pirate Ham Night (the Pirate Captain’s weekly gift to his loving crew), Black Bellamy’s mode of transportation (the inside of a sperm whale) and strange crewmember names, like the Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens (voiced by, of course, Al Roker). Other characters include Anton Yelchin as the Albino Pirate, Brendan Gleeson as the Pirate with Gout, and Ashley Jensen as the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. Those character names give away just how goofy this film really is. Grant is almost unrecognizable in the lead role. When I see these movies, I like to avoid seeing the names of voice talent beforehand so I can guess while watching. I got about halfway into the film before I gave up and checked IMDB. (I was the only person in the theater, so I disturbed no one with my phone use.) Which gets me to my next point. It’s sad that I could watch this at prime time on a Friday night and sit alone in the theater. Mind you, I don’t really like people sitting too close to me at movie theaters—I HATE THE SOUND OF MOUTH-OPEN CRUNCHING POPCORN!—but I would’ve liked a few more people to laugh along with. I would also like to see the story of the Pirate Captain continue in further chapters. The movie isn’t doing all that well in the states, but it’s scoring some decent international business, so all hope is not lost. Ω

This is how Bob Grimm sees himself.

1

POOR

2

FAIR

3

GOOD

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VERY GOOD

5

EXCELLENT 5The Avengers Everything good about the last bunch of Marvel superhero movies comes together for one massive, excessively entertaining party. Director Joss Whedon hits all the right notes as Captain America (Chris Evans), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and the Hulk (newbie Mark Ruffalo) all get equal time in this well balanced, often funny, and completely satisfying cinematic experience. I wasn’t sure if they would pull this off, but they did, with Loki (Tom Hiddleston) once again bringing the fun as the villain. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) contribute mightily to the process, as does Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson). Good luck to all the rest of the summer movies in trying to top this one’s fun factor. And let it be said that this contains the best Hulk action put to film ever! Joss Whedon is a god.

4The Cabin in the Woods This crazy rule-bender comes from writer/director Drew Goddard and cowriter Joss Whedon, the father of TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayerand hero to many a geek. It’s quite clever, maybe even a little too clever at times. The setup sees a typical sampling of college students getting ready for a vacation at the lake. They are Curt the Jock (Chris Hemsworth, a.k.a. Thor!), Dana the Almost Virgin (Kristen Connolly), Jules the Whore (Anna Hutchison), Holden the Hot Nerd (Jesse Williams) and Marty the Wisecracking Stoner (Fran Kranz). At the same time, we see two working stiffs (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford) reporting to their very peculiar jobs, the details of which will not be given away. The film works as both a straight-up horror film and a funny homage to the genre, with plenty of great reveals and twists along the way, including an awesome final cameo. It sat on shelves for three years, and we finally get to see it. Yay!

3Chimpanzee While watching DisneyNature’s latest effort, I was reminded of some of the shows I used to catch as a kid during TV’s Wonderful World of Disney. I remembered being wowed by the cool nature footage that Walt’s army used to catch, and I also remembered that the narration would bore and/or annoy me in contrast. Such is also the case with this movie. The footage of a little chimpanzee orphan dubbed Oscar is amazing stuff. Oscar, an energetic 3-year-old, is a cute little shit, and I could watch hours of footage featuring his adorable eyes and natural sense of mischief. I’d say I’d like to pinch his cheek, but he would probably tear my arms off. As for listening to Tim Allen narrate the story of Oscar and his predicament (“Power tools … grr!”), I was longing for the voice of Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones. Or perhaps even the famous primatologist Jane Goodall, who served as an advisor on the flick.

4Damsels in Distress Writer-director Whit Stillman, who did a disappearing act after his fun 1998 film The Last Days of Disco, makes a funny return with collegiate comedy starring Greta Gerwig as a student who wants you to know the healing powers of really good hotel soap. Gerwig plays Violet, the leader of a small group of female students intent upon preventing suicide, avoiding acrid odors, and starting a new dance craze. Stillman has a great gift for absurd, random humor mixed in with meaningful, surprisingly deep life observations. The cast is full of colorful, funny supporting players like Thor (an extremely funny Billy Magnussen), who doesn’t know all of the colors but pledges to hit the books and learn. There’s also Frank (Ryan Metcalf), the dumbass Violet has a crush on, who really wants his bean ball back. Throw in Analeigh Tipton as the normal girl and Adam Brody as a guy with a fake name, and you have one of the year’s greater casts. Look for the always-funny Aubrey Piaza in the aptly titled role, Depressed Debbie. Sure to stand as one of the year’s funniest movies. 2The Five-Year Engagement This one feels more like a 50-year engagement. Jason Segel and Emily Blunt star as a couple who get engaged but wind up postponing their wedding for career considerations. While Segel and Blunt have some decent comedic chemistry, the movie just drags on and on and on. What’s more, while they work as a comedic team, they don’t really click as a romantic couple, making it all seem a little strange that they’re together in the first place. Directed by Nicholas Stoller, who co-wrote the screenplay with frequent writing partner Segel, the two fail to capture the magic that made their prior effort Forgetting Sarah Marshallso funny. The humor here is mostly flat, peppered with occasional laughs, which mostly come from Segel’s character trying to adjust to life in Michigan after living the big life in San Francisco. Segel says he won’t be in the next Muppetmovie because he wants to do human movies. As this movie shows, humans can be really boring.

2The Hunger Games For a big blockbuster based on an extremely popular novel, director Gary Ross’ film looks mighty cheap. Jennifer Lawrence plays Katniss Everdeen, forced to represent her district in a televised contest where young people must battle to the death. While Lawrence is a great actress, she doesn’t fit the role of starving teen very well. Josh Hutcherson plays her fellow district rep, Peeta, and he suits the role just fine. I just couldn’t get by the drab look of the movie, and the horrible shaky cam that manages to destroy the action visuals instead of enhancing them. Stanley Tucci, Toby Jones, Elizabeth Banks and Woody Harrelson are all saddled with silly getups for their roles, which might’ve played OK had another director filmed them. The movie is just a strange clash of tones, never has a consistent feel, and is surprisingly boring considering the subject matter.

2The Raven While John Cusack gives it his all as the film’s central character, Edgar Allan Poe, this cinematic attempt at making the author some sort of super sleuth during his dying days is a little silly. As history has told us, Poe was found in bad shape on a Baltimore park bunch shortly before he died. This movie comes up with the fictional device that Poe was running around looking for a serial killer copying his stories, 1849’s answer to Saw’s Jigsaw. The premise is too goofy to overcome despite a decent performance from Cusack and a goodlooking movie from director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta). By the time this movie reveals its mysteries, you could care less, although having Alice Eve in your cast can easily make things worth watching at times. There have been a number of Poe films kicking around for years now. I’m kind of bummed this is the one that actually wound up getting made. Cusack is still a god, even if this movie is beneath him. Just had to say that.

2Think Like a Man Comedian and radio talk show host Steve Harvey wrote the bestselling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and Commitmentin 2009. Even though it’s an advice book, with no plot, somebody has managed to make a movie out of it anyway. The film follows four couples as the women read and take the sage advice of Steve Harvey, who strikes me as an arrogant asshole. So I don’t buy that the characters in this movie would give two shits about what Steve Harvey has to say. Harvey appears occasionally in the film, spewing his nonsense straight at the audience, appearing on talk shows in the film, etc. A winning cast makes things sporadically tolerable, with fun performances from Michael Ealy, Jerry Ferrara and Gabrielle Union. They are good. Steve Harvey the douche can suck it, as can Chris Brown, who appears in a lame cameo.

Reno

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