RN&R Bridal Guide 2018

a special supplement to the reno news & review | january 18, 2018

2018

Bridal Guide

simply the best................................ 3 new traditions .............................. 6

we need to talk ............................. 8 wedding checklist ................... 11

by Jeri Chadwell / jeric@newsreview.com

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Your Day It’s

ello and welcome to our annual Bridal Guide. I love this guide—because I’m really just a sucker for love. And 2017 was a year for it. Here at the RN&R, we were thrilled back in November to learn of the engagement of our sales manager, Emily Litt, to local metal god Mark Moots. And in December, the paper’s editor, Brad Bynum, and his fiancée, Margot Choltco, celebrated the birth of their son, Clyde. But enough about that.

Let’s talk about what’s in this guide.

It’s been more than two years now since marriage equality was realized for all of this country’s citizens. Still, a lot of wedding traditions are geared toward straight couples, and this got writer Shaun Hunter wondering which

traditions same-sex couples choose to embrace.

You can find his story on page 6. And, over on page 3, you’ll find a story from contributor Matt Bieker about the art of writing a good best man’s speech. We also have a story in this year’s guide that’s a little unorthodox.

On page 8, you can read Josie Glassberg’s piece on the reasons it may be a good idea to discuss divorce before ever getting married.

A bridal checklist is on page 11. Also, check out the cover. That’s local couple Jennifer and Dave Masud. The photo was taken by RN&R contributor Eric Marks.

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A

side from bungling the bachelor party or somehow swallowing the rings, botching the speech is the single easiest way to fumble your best man responsibilities on the big day.

Whether you’re remembered as a gracious groomsman or edited out of the wedding video comes down to how you prepare.

That’s why I put together this guide— sourced from friends’ horror stories and some reputable online resources—to keep you off the bride’s bad side.

Subject Matter While your speech may feel like a personal moment you’re sharing with the groom, it’s far from a private one. Read the room. Understand that the lines between offensive and funny are especially distinct in front of extended family.

Keep in mind that not everyone knows the groom the same way you might.

Taylor Riedeman, a friend and writer at a local branding agency, once witnessed a best man make that exact mistake.

“And then the groom’s real dad decides to get up before the stepdad … like he had something to prove,” Riedeman said. “So, what he decided to prove was that, in fact, he was the first one to teach his son to smoke weed—much younger than the best man had said. And then what that ended up inspiring further was, later in the night, a massive fight happening between the two dads.”

Even if you have the best intentions, causing undue stress for the groom is the opposite

by Matt Bieker

Stick to the Script It may feel like showtime when you get up to give your speech, but remember you’re just one of the acts. The whole night will probably follow a strict schedule, and if things go off the rails, you don’t want people pointing to your half-hour soliloquy as the reason. Write your speech down, and practice it aloud in the days before the ceremony The old rule for public speaking is onepage written equals five minutes spoken. Ask any standup comic, however, and five minutes is probably plenty of time to say what you need. Anything over 10 minutes is asking a lot of your audience’s attention and gives you ample opportunity to start floundering.

My friend Afton Neufeld, a marketing director for a local nonprofit, has been to a lot of weddings and remembers a best man’s speech last summer that started on the wrong foot—and kept on going.

“All the speeches [were] short, sweet, to-the-point, sentimental—all that good stuff,” Neufeld said. “Then he gets up and he starts off like, ‘Well I was going to write notes for this, but I just decided I’ll wing it tonight.’”

In the absence of a plan, this best man decided to talk about what he knew best— himself—and completely forgot the point of why he was asked to speak.

“I didn’t start timing it until about 10 minutes into the speech, but I would say about eight-ish minutes in he then finally mentions the couple,” Neufeld said.

After rambling for 15 minutes, he sat down and was promptly upstaged by the maid of honor’s brief, heartfelt endorsement of the couple—much to everyone’s relief.

If you need ideas on how to organize your thoughts, the wedding website The Knot has various tips and outlines to keep things concise, as well as sample speeches for consultation. No matter what you come up with, the couple and guests will almost never prefer to hear you freestyle, so keep a copy of your speech in your pocket for reference.

“Don’t wing it,” Neufeld said. “Unless you’re in some sort of improv comedy club or have professional experience winging it, never do that.”

Simply the

be st A guide to writing a good best man’s speech “The best man gets up, and it starts off OK, but then he drunkenly starts to ramble to this somewhat traditional, conservative family about how he was the first one to introduce the groom to weed and started talking about the first time they smoked together,” Riedeman said.

The best man in question was attempting to illustrate an important moment they shared but failed to consider how something personal could also be inappropriate for the setting.

What’s worse, however, was how his choice was received by the family.

of why he asked you to speak—and nothing adds stress to an occasion more than family tensions.

“It’s not just the content, but also the context of what you choose to say and knowing where other family members are coming from and to be aware of that also—not just your relationship with the groom,” Riedeman said.

Your shortl ist of topics to avoid includes excessive drinking or drugs, swearing, previous relationships—yours or the groom’s—and

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jokes at the bride’s expense. More detailed dos and don’ts can be found on sites like The Knot or the popular lifestyle blog The Art of Manliness.

play to your StrengthS Here is where you can make an impression as best man and deliver a speech that reflects well on you and the couple. There are plenty of traditions dictating what a best man’s speech should include: start with a joke, tell a sincere story, read messages from absent friends and end with a quote.

Perhaps more importantly, though, is to be honest about the type of speech you’re most comfortable giving.

At a family wedding a few years back, Tiffany Jones, a college friend and performer at Disneyland, witnessed the best man speak from the heart without much of a plan for what he wanted to say.

“It was about a 10-minute speech that was purely him throwing in simple sentences every now and then, of ‘you guys are great,’ or ‘you’ll be great together,’ and just a whole lot of, ‘I love you, man,” Jones said. “They say the best speeches make people laugh or cry, so you could tell he was trying to evoke either of those two responses from the crowd a couple of times but failed miserably, so it was a lot of people forcing a laugh or an ‘aww’ every now and then.”

If you’re not usually the joker, a wedding is not the night to try out your stand-up routine. Similarly, if “heartfelt” is outside your comfort zone, forcing it is bound to come across as insincere. At her own wedding two years ago, Tiffany’s husband found a happy medium with two best men—his brother and his high school best friend.

“His brother is a very logistical person, so his speech was very much the, like, telling stories—kind of what you would assume a best man speech to be—trying to evoke that ‘aww’ emotion in the crowd,” Jones said.

Afterward, his friend serenaded the groom with a karaoke rendition of “Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul—changing the title to “Mr. Jones”—and even treated him to a dance.

“It was the funniest thing I’d ever seen in my life,” Jones said.

In this case, the best men knew what they were each good at and tailored their speeches to fit. Ultimately, the groom knows what he expects from his best man, and you have to assume he chose you with your strengths and weaknesses in mind.

Once you’ve decided on the overall direction you want to go in, the aptly named thebestmanspeech.com has pages of resources to help you polish a joke, choose a childhood memory and craft a memorable conclusion. Ω

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by Shaun Hunter

New

traditions Same-sex couples embrace and buck wedding customs

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Becky Preble and Bailey Sheridan flip through a guestbook from their wedding.

The couple were wed in October 2017.

photo/shaun hunter

b

ailey Sheridan and Becky Preble interact how you might expect any other recently married couple to, calling one another “sweetie” or making jokes about one always picking at the other’s unfinished meals. The two were just married in October, in a ceremonial landscaped garden in Preble’s childhood hometown in Vermont.

“We had talked about eloping, but the moms quickly said no to that,” Preble laughed.

The two flipped through a guestbook from the ceremony as they talked about how they’d opted for a smaller gathering. In lieu of professional services, they relied on friends and family to contribute decorating, food preparation and photography skills.

It’s been two and a half years since the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that all states must recognize and perform same-sex marriages.

But the issue still isn’t entirely settled. Many

states have seen the introduction of legislation to overturn marriage equality and ongoing court cases challenging things like spousal benefits and the recognition of out-of-state marriages. The Knot, a popular wedding industry website and marketplace, cites these legal uncertainties, as well as regional cultural intolerance, as partially responsible for shaping trends in same-sex weddings.

As an example, on choosing where to have a wedding or honeymoon, The Knot notes, sadly, “Same-sex couples have to do extensive research to ensure that their destination-ofchoice is safe for them to publicize their love.”

Considerations like these have led to many same-sex couples opting to include, exclude or alter what have typically been traditional elements of opposite-sex weddings.

Sandra VanScott, a minister in downtown Reno’s Antique Angel Wedding Chapel, said that she has overseen about two dozen samesex ceremonies annually since marriage equality was realized. “Prior to that we could only do a commitment ceremony or a Ceremony of the Heart, which wasn’t a legal status,” she explained.

VanScott said the chapel staff has been excited to perform same-sex ceremonies—and has noticed how same-sex couples will flirt with or alter tradition.

“When it comes to the women, one will usually wear a tuxedo,” VanScott said. “Not very many brides will both wear the gown.

Now, when the men come in, many will wear matching outfits. The guys will almost always have the boutonniere, the cummerbund, will have their hair freshly cut and be freshly shaved. In a lot of the same-sex ceremonies, the couples may have been together for 10 or 15 years. They had to wait for it to become legal, so they do have a tendency to try harder and put in the extra effort.”

Another trend VanScott has seen in quite a few same-sex ceremonies is dogs. “Very rarely do the men have children,” she said. “Their dogs are their family, and they want them included in the ceremony and in the pictures.”

In the rIte Preble and Sheridan met in 2012 while working at the Patagonia retail outlet in Reno. Over the course of their relationship, the two saw the federal Supreme Court decision and state decision to legalize same-sex marriage.

Neither identifies as religious, and when it came time to plan their wedding ceremony, they had to decide what traditional aspects to include and what to individualize to fit their relationship. They smile when recounting their

engagement and the absence of gender roles in popping the question.

Sheridan explained, “It became a joke of who was going to ask who first. We eventually just said that Becky was going to be the one to ask.”

On a hike while the pair were traveling in Alaska, Preble knelt and asked. Prior to this, though, she’d decided to ask Sheridan’s father for his permission. “In the perspective of being respectful to my partner’s family, I felt the urge to ask her dad’s permission—I think he was aware,” Preble recalled. “He knew we were committed to each other, and it had been long enough.”

Though definitely not always the case with same-sex couples, Preble and Sheridan said their families showed nothing but support for their relationship.

A 2017 survey conducted by The Knot found that one general trend in weddings, regardless of sexual orientation, is the personalization of the ceremony.

“We’d never actually been to another gay wedding before,” Preble said. In coming up with the ceremony planning details, she and Sheridan crafted theirs around details they had seen at weddings they had attended.

“I think we took a lot of it from my sister’s wedding,” Sheridan said. “She had just gotten married a few months earlier, so we looked at a lot of what she had done and picked the parts we wanted for ours.”

The two had asked Sheridan’s older brother to officiate, but a stomach virus the night before had sent him to the hospital and forced a last minute change to a brother-inlaw who was also ordained as an officiant.

“People said there’ll be one thing that goes wrong,” Bailey laughed at recalling the last minute change of plans.

“Bailey and I both had bridesmaids and a maid of honor, as well as best men, who were our friends who are a gay couple,” Preble said.

“We both wore dresses, we both walked down the aisle with our dads, and each had our own father-daughter dance. And we both did a bouquet toss at the same time.”

The couple wanted an outdoor venue and had camped in tents with friends and family in the riverside garden venue in the days leading up to their ceremony. Both chose to keep their own names, though they explained this was largely due to the paperwork involved with a legal name change. Not all of the elements of their wedding strayed from tradition, however.

“At our bacherlorette party, which we did together, there were penises

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on everything!” Preble recalled with a laugh.

“That was probably the most traditional thing!”

When considering the influence of wedding ceremony tradition, Sheridan said, “I think gay weddings are so new that they don’t have traditions to follow. We asked our families, and they said ‘It’s about you! Do whatever you want!’”

Writer Stephanie Hallett, in a piece on wedding trends, took it a step further, saying that the refreshed ceremony planning of same-sex weddings is having a noticeable influence on straight-identified ceremonies. In particular, she noted the inclusion of a quote from the Supreme Court’s decision to recognize same-sex marriage rather than including a Bible verse, or that designer wedding dresses now stray from the strictly vestal white formal wedding gown that has been traditionally popular.

Despite the specifics of the form it takes, the wedding ceremony is still just two individuals formalizing their commitment to each other. While walking through one of the chapel rooms inside the Antique Angel, VanScott acknowledged this, adding, “There’s really not that much difference. Couples come in, surrounded by family, and walk down the aisle. … No matter who we have, the ceremony is all excitement and butterflies.” Ω

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by Josie Glassberg

We need to talk

Should you discuss divorce before marriage?

Kids

t

hings change when you get engaged. Besides the ring and the glow, you suddenly have a secret Pinterest page on pet ring-bearers and a stack of bridal magazines. Vitamix has become aware of your existence and is hungry for you to be thirsty for blended vegetables. Even social media looks different. Your usual thread of inter-species friendship videos is now a steady stream of smiling, happy couples riding tandem bicycles through Valencia-filtered landscapes.

It’s a cloistered phase of life—and necessarily so.

Without a carefully curated parade of dress options, cake options and new wedding tradition articles, you could be in danger of overthinking the fact that you are yoking your entire life to another person, indefinitely.

Don’t worry! I’m not here to talk you out of your decision. I’m just here to give you a little perspective from the other (other) side of the aisle, as a very wise, very divorced woman who knows you only want to do this one time.

According to the Pew Research Center, the odds of millennial marriages working out are a little rosier than the 50/50 statistic that has been burned into our brains. The real number—while difficult to calculate due to declining marriage rates, separations without divorce, and inconsistent data collection—is actually more like 42-45 percent, according to Harvard social scientist Bella De Paulo. Although this is not what you would call an inspiring piece of information to dwell on before marriage, it’s definitely not healthy to ignore it either.

Not much better is the onslaught of “divorce proof” listicles that pop up after every new celebrity split or political sex scandal. Nothing is anythingproof, and using language like this is lazy and misleading. Still, there are things you can do to prepare yourself—if not for the contingencies—for the realities of marriage. You owe it to yourself and your future spouse to have some tough conversations before you walk down the aisle.

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Please tell me you have already talked about children. If you aren’t on the same page here, this is straight-up not going to work. Keep in mind that kids are a spectrum issue—not a black-and-white topic. You both may not want children now, but perhaps you are a “hard no” and your partner is a “not now.” That’s a pretty important distinction, and even though talking about it today might not change anything immediately, it’s good to know where you might be heading.

If you both want kids—or just one kid, another important thing to discuss—have you talked about raising them? What about a little expectation management once they arrive?

According to research out of the University of Florida and Pennsylvania State University, relationship satisfaction declines during the first years of marriage. For those couples with children, this downward trend is nearly twice as steep.

In a recent Guardian article, Matthew D. Johnson, a professor of psychology at Binghamton University, noted, “The arrival of children changes how couples interact. Parents often become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the details of parenting.”

As a parent myself, I can attest to the shift in identity that follows the birth of a child. And, like many other women, I’m aware that while this change does contribute to marital strain, this isn’t an area where I would do anything differently.

Perhaps this makes sense in light of a recent survey of parents conducted by Open University in Oxford. When prompted to name the most important person in their lives, mothers named their children and fathers named their partners.

This begs the question, are we relying too much on our “most important people” to make us happy?

ExpEctations and happinEss Since getting divorced this past summer, I’ve been doing a lot of research on the topic of happiness— a.k.a., I’ve been reading a lot of self help books— and have come across one version of the answer.

Chances are, you probably already know it.

Your partner can’t make you happy.

If you had told me this a decade ago, I would have emphatically agreed with you because—besides

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being one of those phrases you hear over and over again—it also makes a lot of damn sense. Too bad I never really believed it.

According to my favorite self help book, Real Love by Greg Baer, I’m not alone.

“Falling in love usually means that two people have found someone with whom they experience an abundant and relatively fair exchange of imitation love,” writes Baer. “We naturally turn to our spouses to supply what we’re missing, and our partners understandably feel resentful of our increased demands.”

That’s not to say, though, that long-lasting romantic relationships don’t contribute to overall happiness. They absolutely do.

Looking at the longest study ever conducted on happiness—the 80-year Harvard Study of Adult Development—the role of genetics is less important to longevity than the level of satisfaction with relationships in midlife.

So, the good news for you is that relationships can be a predictor for healthy aging. But they have to be built on a foundation of self worth and real love—not exchange.

MonEy Money is a bummer. On top of student debt, budgets and never-ending bills, issues with finances often go back to your childhood and dredge up deep emotions about your upbringing and even your self worth.

Now multiply your financial hang-ups by two, and you may understand why my ex-husband and I opted out of this conversation altogether—keeping our bank accounts separate by default and only talking about finances on a need-to-fight-about-it basis for the almost decade we were together.

Immature? Definitely. Irresponsible? For sure.

Although this wasn’t the problem that killed our marriage (see previous section), it definitely wasn’t a harbinger of good things to come.

In a 2014 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association, a third of couples cited money as “a major source of conflict” in their relationship. The good news is—unlike changing your mind about children—views on money tend to stay put. That means you can learn a lot about your fiancé’s financial acumen by having a simple conversation. Bethany and Scott Palmer, the authors of First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, advise engaged couples to talk about the following: joint vs. separate bank accounts, your childhood associations with money, dual- or single-income aspirations, saving and spending habits, and prenuptial agreements.

It’s usually this last topic that gets a lot of pushback—which makes sense. Talking about how you will split your assets before you combine them really takes the romance out of the equation. But there are good reasons to get a prenup that have nothing to do with keeping exorbitant amounts of money from your future spouse. For example, what does an equitable split look like if one partner gives up their career—and career momentum—to be a stayat-home dad or mom? You are a lot more likely to have clear-headed answer to this, and other sensitive financial issues, while you are on each other’s side, like you are right now.

My advice? Take a few hours off from planning your wedding and plan your union. It will pay off in the end. Ω

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“ o n e o f a m er i c a’ s f i v e g r e at e s t au to m o b i le m u s e u m s ” – A u to w e e k M a ga z i ne O p en D a i ly • Do w n to w n R en o 7 7 5 . 3 3 3 . 9 3 0 0 • A uto M useum. o rg

BiG day

blueprints Use this checklist to help plan your marital merger

• Whether you’ve got guests coming from out of town or are planning a destination wedding, it’s time to consider lodging. You may want to consider booking a block of hotel rooms.

• It’s time to make some decisions concerning the menu for your big day. Does the venue offer catering? If not, this is a good time to start meeting with caterers.

• It’s time to buy or order whatever outfit you want for your wedding. Between ordering and altering, a wedding getup may take upwards of six months to be ready.

• Get your wedding registry up and running.

Maybe you’d like to consider something in lieu of a registry? How about a “honey fund” to help pay for your honeymoon?

• Speaking of which, it’s probably about time to start planning your honeymoon.

7-6

months out

• If that honeymoon you just planned involves a great escape to foreign shores, it’s time to get your passports up-to-date and make sure you’ve got any immunizations you may need.

• It’s time to get your wedding party outfitted.

It’s important not to put this off, because they may need multiple fittings to get their outfits just right.

• Send out those “save the date” letters, emails, texts, smoke signals or whatever you’re using. If you’re sending invitations, get them ordered.

18-12

months out

• Nail down your budget. How much are you and your spouse-to-be contributing? Is anyone else pitching in—friends, family?

(Be prepared—those with a financial stake often want a say in things like the guest list and menu.)

• Select an officiant. You can book one, or you can talk a friend into getting licensed and ordained.

• Pick your wedding party. People are going to start wondering about this as soon as they hear you’re engaged. Having your party selected will make it easier to get them outfitted and plan for events like bachelor/ bachelorette parties and the rehearsal dinner.

• Figure out how many people you’re inviting, and start a guest list spread sheet. You can use it to track names, RSVPs, contact info for thank you letters and the like.

• Pick your date and book your venue(s).

The earlier you decide, the better your chances of getting both the date and location you want.

• If you’re going to hire a wedding planner, this is the time to start shopping around for one. If you don’t want one, that’s your call—just make sure you consider all of the hypotheticals before you decide. For example, what if you plan to decorate your venue the night before but find out that there’s been a last-minute booking for that night, and now you can’t decorate until the morning of. Can you deal?

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months out

• Book your photographer and/or videographer.

• Will you be booking a band or a DJ? Either way, it’s time to get this done.

• Meet with your officiant to plan the ceremony. This is especially important if your officiant is a friend or family member who doesn’t have experience in the wedding arena. You’ll want to make sure the person who’s doing you the honor is confident and comfortable with leading the ceremony.

• Book your florist. You should know your wedding colors and theme by now.

5-4

months out

3-2

months out

• Check in with your florist and caterer. Make changes to the menu or floral arrangement need to be made based on what’s going to be in season and likely to be available?

• Give a heads-up to anyone you’d like to have speak during the ceremony or reception. (See page 3 for a story about best man speeches.)

• If you haven’t already, now’s the time to buy your wedding rings. This should leave enough time for them to be sized, if necessary.

• Write a provisional schedule for your ceremony and reception—what will happen when. Give copies of this to the people who will provide food, music and flowers. This will give you plenty of time to make adjustments and answer any questions they have.

• Send out your invitations about two months before the wedding, and ask everyone to RSVP within two or three weeks. If you’re asking people to travel long distances, do this at, like, six months out instead.

1

month out

• By this time, you should be sending out as many final payments as you’re able.

• It’s time to get your marriage license. If either of you are changing your names, get several copies.

• Send out the invitations to your rehearsal dinner.

• You should have the number of guests nailed down by now, so—if you’re having booze—go ahead and order it!

• If you’re assigning seating at the reception, you’ll want to take care of that soon.

• Don’t forget about bridesmaids and groomsmen gifts.

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week out

• Pick up your outfit(s).

• Book the venue for your rehearsal dinner.

• Choose your cake and order it too.

• Start making lists of music. Decide what you want playing during key parts of your wedding day. Make sure you also have a list of songs you don’t want to hear. Send this off to your band/DJ.

• Call all of your vendors to make sure they’re all set.

• Send your final guest list to the caterer.

• Don’t let little worries stress you now.

This is it. Take a deep breath. Take a nap.

Smoke a joint. Take a Valium. We’re not here to judge. Ω

• If you’re having your hair and makeup done, now’s the time to start shopping around for the right person(s) to do it.

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