Film

“Next time, ignore the alien with the ‘free hugs’ sign.”

Great Scott

Ridley Scott’s third Alien film is an entertaining mashup of the overreaching but cool sensibilities from Prometheus and the old-school ick factor and dread that marked the original Alien as one of the best horror and science fiction films of the 20th Century.

Alien: Covenant continues the ruminations about the origins of mankind birthed in Prometheus while injecting a few more Xenomorphs into the mix. It will please those fans of the first two films of the franchise who want the shit scared out of them, while also appeasing those who enjoyed the brainy—if somewhat confusing and slightly inconsistent—ways of Prometheus.

While Scott has leaned harder on the horror elements for this one, his budget is over $30 million less than the one he had for Prometheus. That film constituted one of cinema’s all-time great usages of 3-D technology, with flawless special effects. Covenant totally abandons 3-D and features some CGI in the opening minutes that look befitting of a low budget Syfy channel offering.

The film more than makes up for some shoddy computer work once the crew members of the Covenant, a stricken colony ship in danger of not reaching its destination, set down to scout out a new planet as a closer alternate. The expedition is led by a new commander (Billy Crudup) after the original captain passes away in an eyebrow raising cameo.

Things look encouraging at first—fresh water, breathable air and even wheat fields get checked off on the pro side. After a quick search for a transmission the crew received, drawing them to the planet, they discover the horseshoe ship piloted by Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and David the android (Michael Fassbender) at the end of Prometheus. After this discovery, the con side accumulates a lot of check marks.

They are on the Engineer planet, the origin of Earth’s creation, and the place where they created the bio weapon meant to destroy us. David has been surviving on the planet for over a decade, but where’s Elizabeth? Where are the Engineers? Only David knows, and David, as you might remember from Prometheus, is a bit dickish.

The film allows for another mind-bending Fassbender performance in that not only is he playing David, but also Walter, the upgraded android from the new expedition. The two androids are essentially the Devil and Jesus in this movie, and they share an interesting flute tutorial that suggests androids can have sexual/incest impulses. Fassbender, as with Prometheus, is the main reason to see Covenant. That is, he’s the main reason to see Covenant besides the triumphant return of the Xenomorphs.

The face-huggers and chest-bursters return, along with some new bad bastards like the back-burster and the face-burster. When they grow up—quite rapidly— they become all forms of H.R. Giger-inspired, creepy madness. Unlike Cameron’s Aliens, these Xenomorphs aren’t interested in cocooning. They are more interested in stuff like popping your head off and doing that claw between the legs move that Veronica Cartwright endured in the original Alien’s most horrifying moment.

Besides Crudup, and Danny McBride as ship pilot Tennessee, nobody in the remaining cast really distinguishes themselves beyond being cannon fodder for the aliens. Katherine Waterston is OK as the film’s main protagonist, Daniels, but her role ultimately feels like a greatest hits compilation of Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley and Rapace’s Shaw.

Where does this rank in the Alien franchise? I say fourth, behind Alien, Aliens and Prometheus, just above the unfairly maligned Alien 3. It’s a good time for Ridley Scott and Xenomorph fans, and it continues the existential offerings of Prometheus. Had they taken the time to work a little harder on those early effects and fleshed out the cast members a little better, it could’ve surpassed Prometheus.

Scott is promising at least two more films leading up to the events of his original Alien while apparently putting the kibosh on the Aliens sequel that was in the works for director Neil Blomkamp. That’s the one that would’ve brought back Ripley, Hicks (Michael Biehn) and Newt.

Dammit! That would’ve been cool. Ω

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3Beauty and the Beast This live-action take on the classic Disney animated musical isn’t a shot-for-shot remake of the original like, say, Gus Van Sant’s time-wasting Psycho effort. However, it does follow a lot of the same plot points and incorporates enough of the musical numbers to give you that sense of déja vu while watching it. Thankfully, Emma Watson makes it worthwhile. Hermione makes for a strong Belle. Since director Bill Condon retains the music from the original animated movie, Watson is asked to sing, and it’s pretty evident that AutoTune is her friend. She has a Kanye West thing going. As the Beast, Dan Stevens gives a decent enough performance through motion-capture. The original intent was to have Stevens wearing prosthetics only, but he probably looked like Mr. Snuffleupagus in dailies, so they called upon the help of beloved computers. Like King Kong, the CGI creation blends in nicely with his totally human, organic cast member. The cast and crew labor to make musical numbers like “Gaston” and “Be Our Guest” pop with the creative energy of the animated version, but they don’t quite reach those heights.

1The Circle This is a clueless movie based on the novel by Dave Eggers, a lame attempt at satire in regard to social networking and the invasion of privacy during the digital age. After slaving away at a temp job, Mae Holland (Emma Watson) lands a gig at The Circle thanks to her friend Annie (Karen Gillan), a top player at the company. The Circle is all of your basic modern day computer entities—Apple, Google, Facebook, Twitter, etc.—wrapped into one big digital corporate burrito. It’s run by a friendly-looking, coffee cup-toting, Steve Jobs-like entity named Bailey (Tom Hanks) and his sidekick Stenton (Patton Oswalt, a.k.a. TV’s Son of TV’s Frank on the new incarnation of Mystery Science Theater 3000). Mae progresses from a customer service rep to a big player in the company seemingly overnight, and let’s just say that ascension is a wee bit unconvincing. Watson’s portrayal of Holland’s supposed turmoil and opinion swings lacks any sort of dimension, wit or shock value. Yes, much of this can be blamed on the screenplay written, in part, by Eggers himself and director James Ponsoldt. It lacks the insight and dark humor this sort of film craves. But, while often an enjoyable movie presence, The Circle is obnoxious, sloppy and full of aimless arguments. You know … like most of your Facebook and Twitter news feeds.

2The Fate of the Furious With The Fate of the Furious, easily the most stupidly titled installment in the Furious franchise—yes, even more stupid than the name Tokyo Drift—you get to see the single most disgusting, stomach-churning, horrifying moment in cinema so far this year. That would be when Charlize Theron plants a big, sloppy kiss on Vin Diesel, the image of which is some kind of “Woman from Monster Meets the Pillsbury Dough Boy On Steroids” nightmare. Some five years ago, I made up a list of five things I never wanted to see, and that came in at number three, right under “Donald Trump as President” and “Spiders in My Scrambled Eggs Being Served to Me By a Man with Weeping Hand Sores.” Somewhere along the way, the Furious franchise went completely bonkers and became less about cars racing around and more about dudes who think hair on the top of their heads is total bullshit and also think upper arms should be the size of a bull’s torso. It also went off on some sort of international spy team tangent, something that worked to a hilarious degree in Furious 7. In The Fate of the Furious, the franchise trajectory becomes ridiculous without being much fun.

4Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 The trippy Marvel fun continues with this big, nutty, spiraling sequel that brings the fun, along with a lot of daddy issues. Star-Lord, a.k.a. Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), had some major mommy issues in the first movie, and this time out his dad takes a turn at messing with his head. The dad comes in the form of Ego (Kurt Russell—yes!), who we see hanging out with Quill’s mom in the ’70s during the film’s prologue. (The CGI and practical makeup anti-aging effects on Kurt Russell ranks as one of the best examples of that particular trick to date.) After a killer opening credits sequence, the Guardians—including Quill, Baby Groot (voice of Vin Diesel), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Drax (David Bautista) and Rocket (voice of Bradley Cooper)—find themselves on another quest. They are quickly diverted to Ego’s planet, where Quill finds out more about his celestial origins. Russell proves to be perfectly cast as Quill’s bombastic father, with Pratt possessing many of the legendary action film star’s alluring traits. Seeing them on screen together, at one point playing catch with an energy ball Quill conjures with newfound powers, is one of the film’s great joys. It also proves to be misleading, because writer-director James Gunn isn’t going to settle for an easy story about a wayward son reuniting with a dream dad. Vol. 2 is as dark and nasty as it is silly and action-packed.

4Norman Richard Gere delivers one of his very best performances as Norman, a New York “businessman” who doesn’t really have a business or a job. A mysterious, earbudwearing, graying old man riding the trains and grabbing crackers for dinner at the local synagogue, Norman, nevertheless, has big aspirations. A self-professed “good swimmer” fighting to stay afloat, Norman finds himself in the company of an up-and-coming Israeli politician (an excellent Lior Ashkenazi) and, in a moment of generosity/desperation, buys the man a pair of shoes. That gesture earns him some good favor as the politician becomes the Israeli Prime Minister, and Norman’s act of kindness earns him the man’s friendship. With big friends comes more notoriety, and Norman finds himself involved in political intrigue and rising responsibility in the New York Jewish community. Gere, who basically shrinks himself under a sun cap and trench coat, sparkles in the role, making Norman a memorable, likeable and appropriately annoying character. Supporting performances from Dan Stevens, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Steve Buscemi round out an excellent cast.

2Snatched Fifteen years after her last movie, the terrible The Banger Sisters, Goldie Hawn has been coaxed back onto the big screen opposite Amy Schumer. While it’s great to have her back, it would’ve been super great had the movie been totally worth her time. Hawn and Schumer play Linda and Emily, mother and daughter, in what amounts to some decent dirty jokes, some dumb dirty jokes, and a lot of flat jokes powered by a plot with no real sense of purpose. The comic duo work hard to make it all a bit of fun, but they are ultimately taken down by a film that aspires to mediocrity. When Emily is dumped by her rocker boyfriend (the always funny Randall Park), she has no traveling partner for her upcoming, non-refundable trip to Ecuador. In steps Linda, a crazy cat lady mom who barely ever leaves the house. Just like that, the two wind up sleeping in a king bed in a lavish resort, with Emily constantly taking selfies to impress her Facebook friends, and Linda covered up with scarves by the pool. After Emily meets a hot British guy (Tom Bateman), she ultimately winds up on a sightseeing trip with mom along for the ride. Mom and daughter wind up kidnapped and held for ransom, with nobody but their nerd son/brother (Ike Barinholtz) to save their asses. Director Jonathan Levine (50/50) isn’t afraid to take things to mighty dark places—Emily’s attempts to free her and mom from their captors has a body count—and the film earns its R-rating with raunchy humor, Schumer’s specialty. Hawn and Schumer make for a convincing mommy-daughter combo, and Snatched has its worth for putting the two in a movie together. They rise above the material often enough to make the film somewhat forgivable, especially if you are a fan of both. (And, really, why wouldn’t you be?)