“i do” the honors

“Do you?” It’s a question that every smoker, drinker, and bride or groom has to answer honestly at least once in their lives. It’s also a question that’s becoming easier to ask in the nuptial sense thanks to a perfect storm of loose ordination regulations and the wedding tradition of breaking wedding traditions.

In 2017, it’s possible to be asked to officiate a marriage on Monday morning, receive your license Monday afternoon and preside over the ceremony Monday evening. I guess you could even marry the couple on Monday afternoon, but that seems kind of rushed, even for you. Also, who gets married on a Monday? Also, is that a Jedi robe you’re wearing? Did the bride and groom specifically request that? Because if they didn’t, you need to take that off right now.

I don’t have to tell you what a big responsibility it is to officiate a wedding, but you should know that there are a few ground rules—beginning with the moment you’re tapped as a potential officiant and ending with the “I do’s.”

The ask

There are four scenarios where you can consider officiating a wedding and one where you should absolutely decline. See if you can spot the bad idea:

ㅤ You are related to the bride/groom ㅤ You are a close friend of the bride/groom ㅤ You are a religious adviser to the bride/groom ㅤ You are a co-worker of the bride/groom ㅤ You are complete stranger to the bride/groom

If you guessed that number four is the stinker, then you are correct! Presiding over a wedding for a coworker, or— even weirder—having a boss officiate is generally a murky situation. What if you get fired or have to fire someone? What if you end up on a team project with your coworker and he finds out that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t pull your planning weight for, say, the office Christmas party? What then? All of those wedding photos will be tainted with the knowledge that you half-assed the holiday decorations. Did you half-ass the wedding, too?

There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. For example, if your friendship pre-dates your coworker relationship by at least six months. Or, if you are often told that you resemble The Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride. Or maybe you have zero shame. All of these instances are frowned upon, but allowed.

The self-check

Even if you don’t work with the bride or groom, you still might have some misgivings about officiating a wedding. Here, it is important to note that you cannot rely on the happy couple to weigh these concerns for you. They are drunk on love, and it’s clouding their judgment. Besides, you could be a complete stranger. Instead, you will have to look deep inside and ask yourself three questions:

ㅤ Are you in love with the bride/groom? ㅤ Do you have a fear of public speaking? ㅤ Do you like going rogue?

Obviously, if you are in love with the bride or groom, this is disqualifying. It’s bad form to be both the person saying, “Speak now or forever hold your peace ...” and the person to object—tacky.

As far as public speaking goes, being close friends or even related to the betrothed does not trump your gripping fear in this scenario. This is not a time to work on yourself. This is a time to acknowledge your limits and later join Toastmasters or enroll in that community college course or renew your commitment to your already-abandoned New Year’s resolution to get better at public speaking by practicing “Jabberwocky” in your bathroom mirror until the words make perfect sense and your jaw is sore.

Going rogue is trickier, because if you like to go rogue, you don’t like to make decisions based on your tendency to go or not go rogue. Sarah Palin, the original “go-roguer,” had this to say about going rogue during the presidential campaign in her 2009 autobiography, Going Rogue: “A couple of times I had a friend in Anchorage track down phone numbers for me, and then I snuck in calls to folks like Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity, and someone I thought was Larry Kudlow but turned out to be Neil Cavuto’s producer.”

That sounds like a disaster. Don’t go off script, no matter how badly you want to bootstrap the heck out of your friend’s wedding. They will resent you for the rest of their marriage and maybe the rest of their lives.

A guide for the uninitiated officiant

by Josie Luciano

The preparation

Now that you’ve determined that you are a qualified officiant, the real work begins. First, do some research about ordination licenses and state laws. Some states allow you to obtain a permit online but only if the license company is based in the state where you will be an officiant (Nevada, most other states). Some states do not recognize any online licenses at all (Virginia, Tennessee, Pennsylvania). And one state does not care one way or another as long as you are 18 years of age and agree to sign up for a newsletter that you will immediately unsubscribe from following the ceremony (California).

As a courtesy to both the bride and the groom, read up about the extra steps they will need to take to make it official. This usually involves obtaining a marriage license and certificate from the county clerk’s office. Even though this part is not technically your responsibility, filing the marriage certificate with the county clerk after the wedding will be.

Once you’ve gotten a handle on the legal aspects of the ceremony, sit down with the bride and groom and do some personalizing.

Chances are—if they’ve asked you to officiate—there are other places that the couple deviates from the norm as well. Custom vows, tattoo rings and different music for each member of the wedding party are all popular choices. You will probably get to tell a short, funny story about an experience you’ve shared with the couple, as long as it’s really short and pre-approved as funny.

It is also likely that there will be a rehearsal at some point—but if there isn’t, you need to be the adult and insist on one. Walking down an aisle and standing in front of an audience is not hard, but it’s the kind of thing that looks really dumb if the timing is off. Everyone will know if you skip rehearsal.

The day of

This is your day (kind of). Leave lots of time to get ready and pamper yourself. Oftentimes, you will be invited to share the dressing room of the bride or groom’s party. There are usually soft chairs, snacks and lots of grooming products in these rooms. Even if you were not invited, ask if you can join in this pre-wedding ritual. They will not say no.

Go over your lines and visualize the ceremony one last time.

If for some reason you are reading this and thinking, “I like going rogue and I didn’t stop myself before this point,” then now is your last chance to do the right thing. Hand over your notes to the closest person in the dressing room and explain the situation. It is now Aunt Leslie’s duty to officiate the ceremony. Pull up www.open-ministry.org on your computer and walk her through the process of getting an expedited license. It’s the least you can do.

Not going rogue? Smile and breathe. Remember why you said yes to this. Stick to your script, but do not act like you are reading a script. Be perfect, but not too perfect. Do not outshine the bride and groom. TAKE OFF THAT JEDI ROBE. If you get stuck, you can always read a passage from Corinthians. You’ll do fine. ❑