Love & Money

A S P EC I A L I S S U E BY R ELEVA NT A N D B R I G H T P E A K

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE What if everything you thought you knew about money and debt was wrong?

8 QUESTIONS EVERY COUPLE NEEDS TO ASK From sex to calling, we look at the big conversations everyone must have.

SHOULD YOU WA IT TO SETTLE DOWN? Marriage? Kids? A mortgage? Here’s your guide to moving on to life’s next big phase.

COUNSELING COUCH CONFESSIONS Real marriage counselors tell us how to avoid the issues they see the most.

2018

02

FI RST WORD A LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER

Table of Contents

Welcome to the Revolution There is an epidemic facing this generation. And let’s be honest, the Church hasn’t done a great job talking about it.

It centers around two things that don’t seem related at first

Pushing the Envelope

but are totally interconnected: money and relationships. The

p.12

and build healthy marriages is affecting the spiritual DNA of a

Money and debt are touchy subjects for people—especially millennials. It’s time to embrace new ways toward financial health.

lack of conversation around how we should handle finances generation—and we want to do something about it.

Did you know two-thirds of college-graduate millennials are carrying student debt of more than $27,000? That’s almost double the previous generation. And a quarter of millennials

2 // THE SOURCE

say anxiety related to financial stress has made them

The latest in all things related to millennial relationships, money and business.

physically sick.

8 // COUNSELING COUCH

common source of stress for couples and families. Married

Many couples face the same problems. We talk to counselors about what the solutions are.

couples fight over money more than any other subject.

1 6 // 8 QUES TIONS E VERY

partnership between RELEVANT and brightpeak to address

COUPLE SHOULD ASK

these issues head-on. But it’s much more than a magazine. All

These questions can help you make wiser decisions in your relationship at any stage.

year, you’ll see daily content in the new Love & Money section

2 0 // SHOULD YOU WAIT TO SET TLE DOWN? Statistics show millennials are waiting longer to settle down. Is money the real reason why?

2 2 // THE TAKE AWAY Seven steps for getting your finances in order.

2 4 // L AS T WORD How you talk to your partner about money matters more than anything. Jon Acuff shares some tips.

According to a recent report, financial issues are the most

This Love & Money special issue is part of a yearlong

at RELEVANTmagazine.com, including articles, videos and other resources to help improve your financial and relational health. There will be a podcast series in the spring and fall and Love & Money events around the country.

It’s a bold and important initiative and the first of its kind for RELEVANT. But changing how our generation engages relationships and finances will have a far-reaching impact on individuals and the Church.

Imagine having the margin to be able to make career decisions based on calling instead of paycheck. Imagine being able to live generously, intentionally and selflessly. Imagine having a marriage where financial stress wasn’t an issue, and you could focus on each other instead of bills.

That’s what we want for this generation. And along with the team at brightpeak, we’re working to create resources, content and tools to equip you to live differently. We can do better. We can create change.

Welcome to Love & Money.

C A MER ON S T R A NG RELEVANT Publisher

01

LOVE & MONEY

THE SOURCE R E L AT I O N S H I P S A N D M O N E Y I N T H I S G E N E R AT I O N

Are Millennials Really Worse Off Than Their Parents?

Recent reports that cast a pessimistic light on the state of millennials and money might not be telling the whole story.

A RECENT REPORT published by the Swiss bank Credit

Suisse Group put it in extremely blunt terms in its recent Global Wealth report: “With the baby boomers occupying most of the top jobs and much of the housing, millennials are doing less well than their parents at the same age, especially in relation to income, homeownership and other dimensions of well-being.”

If the trend holds, it would be the first time in U.S. history that a generation hasn’t done better than their parents did.

Credit Suisse’s assessment is based on the fact highpaying jobs, wealth and assets are concentrated in the hands of the older generation. But those numbers don’t tell the whole story.

First, millennials are the most educated generation in history. Sure, underemployment is currently an issue, but there is reason to believe that millennials’ current woes are temporary.

According to Pew Research Center, half of all millennials believe the country’s best years are ahead of it, and many believe they’ll be a part of the turnaround.

To that end, millennials are launching their own businesses at younger ages than their parents. And as

2018

02

anyone who has started a business knows, sometimes success takes time, so lower incomes shouldn’t be completely surprising.

The BNP Paribas Global Entrepreneur Report found that millennials have launched twice as many businesses as their parents’ generation did.

Relationally, millennials seem to have a healthier view of financial honesty as well. CreditCards.com found this generation is far less likely to maintain secret accounts from their spouses than their parents were. In fact, their parents are twice as likely to make a major purchase and not tell their spouse.

With the culmination of healthier views about money and relationships, high rates of education, optimism, an entrepreneurial spirit, the rise of technology and a massive injection of wealth looming (they’re expected to inherit $30 trillion), the future may be brighter than some think.

In fact, some financial experts are down-right bullish: The international bank UBS AG says that in the next three years alone, millennials will be worth $24 trillion. That’s more than the entire current U.S. economy.

Tying the Knot Is Getting a Lot More Expensive

Money Is a Way Bigger Deal Than Sex in Relationships FINANCIAL SECURITY has never been

sexier. The recent “Money Habits and Confessions Survey” found that money is a way bigger deal than sex in millennial relationships. Seventy-seven percent of respondents said financial issues cause more relational tension than their sex life does. Financial problems are apparently also a major turnoff in dating: 37 percent said they have broken up because they disagreed about money. And here’s the kicker: More than half said they’d rather stay single— forever—than marry someone who was financially irresponsible.

BEEN INVITED to a friend’s

wedding? You may want to start saving now. According to The Knot, from 2015 to 2016, the average cost of a wedding jumped 8 percent, ringing in at a whopping $35,000. And

03

77%

SAID FINANCIAL ISSUES CAUSE MORE RELATIONAL TENSION THAN THEIR SEX LIFE DOES.

it’s not just the happy couple footing the bill. Priceline found that millennial wedding guests spend an average of $600 on wedding-related events, especially when travel is involved.

LOVE & MONEY

Only a Third of Millennials Are Opening Credit Cards Why the current generation is ditching the plastic THERE’S A SAYING IN FINANCE that

“America pays in installments.” It’s the sign of a country with a lot of debt.

The average U.S. household has more than $16,000 in credit card debt, but millennials might be changing that.

Only about a third of this generation even owns a credit card.

Compare that to more than half of people age 30 to 49 who own one and 70 percent of Americans over 65.

It’s no secret that the American debt crisis is, well, a crisis. But it looks like the generation changing just about everything is poised for a

33

How TOMS Shoes Is Helping Its Employees Help Others

brighter—at least more financially secure—future.

RECRUITING MILLENNIAL talent is tough, but at least one

guy has figured out a way: charitable giving.

Blake Mycoskie is the CEO of TOMS, and he’s implemented a new way for his employees to give through

ONLY ABOUT 33 PERCENT OF

the Tomorrows Project. Every month, the company votes on employee-submitted charity initiatives, and the winner

THIS GENERATION OWNS A

gets two days off and $10,000 to put it into practice.

CREDIT CARD.

M I S C. A massive study commissioned by The Knot 2017 Jewelry &

liking corporate culture and are

Looking for a way to stand out in your job?

Maybe don’t

Engagement

trying to change

watch Netflix at

Study found

it. The First Citi-

work. A recent

that only one in

zens Bank Small

survey found

three engage-

Business Forecast

that 37 percent

ments are now a surprise. Where’s the fun in that?

2018

Most millennials report not

found 48 percent want to be a part of the startup trend.

04

of subscribers binge-watch while they are at work.

80 Percent of Us Don’t Put Money Away. Why? Turns out student loan debt isn’t why young adults don’t invest.

It’s not uncommon to see talking heads blame student

generation not investing? According to millennials,

debt for just about everything from climate change

it’s more or less because they just don’t get it. Thirty-

to Watergate. But according to new research, student

four percent of millennials said they don’t know how

loans may not be the only guilty party for millennial

to invest, while 60 percent said they don’t have the

financial woes. A recent Harris Poll revealed about

money for it.

four out of five millennials don’t invest in the stock

More telling, though, is a majority also found

market. What’s more, the survey found that only 13

investing just plain “confusing.” Student loans are a

percent of those who don’t invest blame student loans.

real problem, but the data suggests this generation

So, what’s the real culprit behind many in the

also has some issues with financial literacy.

The Surprising Reason Couples Are Becoming More Racially Diverse THE LAST TWO DECADES have seen a massive spike in the

number of interracial couples getting married in the U.S., and now, researchers may have figured out why. Research from the National Academy of Sciences found an interesting link in the trend: It started around the time the dating websites Match.com and OKCupid.com launched. What they found was essentially that online dating helps people connect with individuals across different communities, who they may not have met in their dayto-day life, explaining, “When a society benefits from previously absent ties, social integration occurs rapidly.”

Aziz Ansari and Noël Wells on Master of None, justifying your monthly Netflix fee.

05

LOVE & MONEY

Chew on This: Millennials Buy Homes Mainly for Dogs

M I S C.

It’s the age of the side hustle. CareerBuilder.

For millennials, the housing market is literally for the dogs.

com found that 44 percent of all workers between the

OU KNOW THE OLD

not for their kids and family, but

VERSION of the

for their dogs. How does that

American dream,

rank? Around 25 percent bought

right? A spouse, two

a home because of marriage, only

by freelancing or

kids and a dog. Well, millennials

19 percent because of the birth of

working second jobs.

seem a little more concerned with

a child.

Y

the dog than the kids.

ages of 25 and 34 earn extra cash on the side

Oh, and the whole pet thing

This generation now represents

applies to millennials planning

the majority of homebuyers in

to buy in the future, too. Forty-

the U.S. And what’s one incentive

two percent said their primary

driving them to take the mortgage

motivation to pursue buying a

plunge? Their dogs. A recent poll

home was so they could buy a

found 33 percent of millennial

dog. In other words, it’s a great

homebuyers decide to buy a home

time to be a dog in America.

When it comes to relationships, this generation seeks help.

MidAmerica Nazarene University found millennials are more likely to go to marriage counseling than Gen Xers or boomers.

A stereotype that’s sort of true: More than 75 percent of millennials say they splurge to try new restaurants.

This is almost 20 percent more than Gen Xers.

Amazon’s Cashier-Free Store Dream Has Hit a Snag

2018

WHEN AMAZON BOUGHT

stores. The idea is you

The computers can’t

Whole Foods last year,

can just walk out with

figure out how to charge

early buzz was the

your purchases and

groups of people yet. So

retailer wanted to

your account is charged

for couples, the revolution

implement “cashier-less”

automatically. One hitch:

will have to wait.

06

1.

WANDER A MUSEUM (ON ITS FREE DAY).

Just about every museum in the country has a day of the week when admission is free; so use it. Consider it a date for your minds.

2.

BABYSIT SOME FRIENDS’ KIDS.

Not the most romanticsounding date, but giving another couple a night out by offering to watch their kids is free, kind and—if the kids have an early bedtime—a breeze.

3.

Free doesn’t always mean easy.

Soup kitchens, crisis pregnancy centers, children’s homes, and all kinds of nonprofits are always looking for help. Hard to think of a better way to spend your time together.

5 Date Ideas That Literally Cost Nothing Love doesn’t IF YOU’RE SINGLE, YOU WANT to make have to cost sure your date-planning skills are on point. And if you’re married, well, a thing.

VOLUNTEER.

4.

MAKE YOUR OWN BOARD GAME.

If you’ve got paper and some pens, you’ve got everything you need to create your own game.

Get creative with the rules.

Make some inside jokes. It’s a free date that keeps on giving.

it might be even more important.

But can we just be honest about

something? Any kind of dating costs a lot of money. $15 for an Uber or two. $100 for dinner. And like $900 for movie tickets. Thankfully, it really doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re looking to keep both your romantic life and your bank account steady, try skipping the new tapas place and try one of these date ideas that literally costs nothing (Or if none of these work for you, just scroll Instagram and pretend you live a different life.

That’s free.).

07

5.

BUILD YOUR OWN FILM FESTIVAL.

Pick three or four films that make sense together—same genre, same director or same year—and view them on a night when the weather is conducive to staying in.

LOVE & MONEY

CO U N S E LI N G CO U C H CO N F E SS I O N S We asked couples therapists about what they hear behind closed doors and how it can change your life.

GOING TO COUNSELING IS A DEEPLY PERSONAL DECISION

So, we talked to two marriage counselors about the

FOR A COUPLE—ONE THAT CAN DRAMATICALLY AND

issues they’ve encountered with couples of all types,

POSITIVELY AFFECT A RELATIONSHIP.

and though every couple is different, there’s often a

Even if you’ve spent time in counseling, there’s still

similar root to the problems they’re facing.

a curiosity factor about what other people talk about

Here’s what they’ve observed—and how to address it

when seated on the proverbial couch.

2018

in your own relationship.

08

PROBLEM: BEING “LIKED”

couples encounter is the struggle

“Dating” is a verb, because, well, it

Dorothy Greco, author of a new book

with trying to balance togetherness

often involves going on a lot of dates.

about marriage, Making Marriage

and separateness in a relationship,”

“Married” is an adjective because

Beautiful, comes across a similar issue

says marriage and family therapist

it describes a person. And just like

with many of the young couples she

Rhett Smith. “This seems to be a huge

“dating” often involves getting

sees: They’re fixated on comparing

struggle, especially in the first couple

dressed up to go out, marriage is

themselves to others.

of years of marriage. I often find

about sharing life together—from

couples making an error by moving

fancy dinners to downing Hot Pockets

too much in either direction.”

in sweatpants.

“I can’t say I ever spent much time wondering what my next-door neighbor was eating for dessert

For example, think about any

The problem that arises, according

or what concert my high school

wedding you ever attended. You

to Greco, is many couples have a hard

classmate was attending, but I now

always hear Mark 10:8 cited—the

time being authentic and vulnerable

have the opportunity to do just that

famous passage where Jesus talks

with their spouses in marriage and

and more. Namely to try and keep

about “two becoming one.” The

have difficulty letting down the guard

up with them and produce my own

problem isn’t Jesus’ words, of course.

they’ve held up for so long.

Pinterest-worthy feed that garners

It’s how couples tend to apply them.

just as many (or hopefully more) likes,” she explains.

“Often I hear young couples

As a result, walls are built up and get thicker and taller over time.

interpret the idea that the two will become one means they merge

SOLUTION: GET REAL

often start comparing their own

everything in their lives together,

Jesus famously told His followers,

marriages and lives to the images

including their identity,” Smith says.

“The truth will set you free.” In

projected on social media by their

“And then they often become over-

modern translations: Sometimes it’s

friends—images that are literally

enmeshed with each other. This often

OK to break out the sweatpants and

(and figuratively) filtered to

leads to resentment as many feel

nuke some Hot Pockets. Focus on

perfection. Greco says these “years of

like they gave up too much for their

honesty, not perfection.

voyeuristically watching others’ lives”

spouse and lost their sense of self in

blurs the lines between your social

the marriage.”

Essentially, she says that couples

media feed and reality.

“Because we tend to keep our ugly

“We can use the time and creative energy that we often devote to

Just because a couple is married, it

polishing our brand to be real with

doesn’t mean they each have to lose

our spouse and a few other couples,”

moments to ourselves, we never

their own identity. No matter how

Greco says. “We can speak up when

see photos of puffy-eyed, red-faced

much you love your spouse, it doesn’t

we’re struggling to be faithful or

individuals who just had an hourlong

mean you are automatically going to

admit it when we’ve just had the

fight with their spouse,” she says.

like everything they’re into.

messiest fight of our marriage. Above

SOLUTION: UNPLUG

SOLUTION: MAINTAIN YOUR IDENTITY

Greco recommends limiting the time

Respect and appreciate who your

you spend looking at other people’s

spouse is—their tastes, friends and

crushing: “What my husband and I

lives online, and spending time

hobbies. Find common ground, but

have discovered after more than 20

investing in your own relationships—

give them their space to be the person

years of providing pastoral care is

and, most importantly, managing

you fell in love with.

that the couples who look the happiest

all else, figure out what it looks like to

expectations. Not everyone can

However, Smith says to be careful

enjoy your actual life.”

The weight of perfection can be

on social media are often the ones

afford New York shopping sprees

to not overcorrect. “I see couples

who are most struggling to keep their

or weekends in Hawaii. Talk about

never quite make a strong connection

marriage intact,” she says.

money, budgets, savings and splurges.

because they try and keep everything

Base decisions on what’s best for your

separate in the marriage, out of fear

hurts and doubts. Make honesty a

marriage—not on what will keep up

of losing themselves.”

practice that happens not just on the

with some Facebook friend from high

The key, he suggests, is to

school you haven’t seen in 10 years.

compromise and find a balance.

PROBLEM: BECOMING “ONE”

PROBLEM: BEING TOO GUARDED

“The issue I have found most young

Relational “statuses” are interesting:

Be honest about struggles, fears,

counselor’s couch, but on your own— even if you’re both wearing an old pair of sweatpants.

09

LOVE & MONEY

2018

010

011

LOVE & MONEY

What if everything you were taught about managing money is wrong?

2018

012

BY A A RO N C LI N E H A N B U RY

It’s

You’ve likely heard, too, that

and it’s still a tripwire. There’s still

divorce for young couples. It seems

a lot of heartache because it’s not

like there’s a direct link between

about the money.”

been said that New York City is

debt and divorce—but is that link

where dreams are made. Alicia Keys

actually true?

sang it, and Utah native Johnny

“You’re still fighting about money,

financial strife is a leading cause of

In other words, it’s always a good idea to get out from under debt,

The answer is nuanced: A 2006

but for couples focusing on their

Galbraith believed it. Right after he

study found that 84 percent of

financial challenges, they might

graduated from college, he married

couples cite money as a source of

be merely treating a symptom, not

Joanna, and the newlyweds moved

marital tension. Another study

the actual problem. All of the focus

to Manhattan for a competitive

found that a third of millennials

on a single issue risks missing a

internship at an ad agency.

fight about money weekly—that’s

deeper point: Money problems and

It was Galbraith’s dream, the ideal

more than boomers or Gen Xers. But

relationship problems are often

gig in the ideal city. Sure, internship

“money problems” often run deeper

linked together.

pay in one of the world’s most

than simply getting out of debt.

expensive areas didn’t exactly create

Social researcher Shaunti

ENVELOPES, ATMS AND SNOWBALL S

financial flexibility—but that’s how

Feldhahn has heard about the debt

Money may not cause marriages to

careers start, right? Anyone in the

link, too. But with a 15-year career

end, but it certainly casts a shadow.

their circumstances should expect

researching marriage relationships,

Just ask the Galbraiths.

money to be tight.

she says the link goes beyond the

Like many millennials, the

“We would just look at our

amount of debt a couple holds.

finances and go, ‘This is good, but

Galbraiths started their marriage

Instead, “money issues”—are

none of our stuff is actually ours,’”

the American way: in debt.

really about ideas like values and

Galbraith says. “We just hated that

communication.

feeling of knowing that in a small

Millennials stand out as the first generation to hold “higher levels

Feldhahn’s books about

way, someone owned us.”

of student loan debt, poverty and

relationships have sold millions of

unemployment, and lower levels of

copies and feature deep dives into

very popular Christian money

wealth and personal income” than

scientific surveys and interviews

management book, and they finished

prior generations did, according to

with couples about the inner

it in a weekend. They bought in.

Pew Research Center.

workings of their relationships.

Debt—whether it be from student

Her interviews and surveys of

A friend bought them a

“We very literally adopted everything recommended in the

loans or credit cards—is a fixture

married couples cause her to look

among American millennials, and it

skeptically at the idea that just

influences just about every decision

getting out of debt will prevent

is the same one millions of people

this generation makes, from buying

divorce. Because, as she says, “You

have: a rigid envelope-based system

a home to having children to when

can have paid off all your student

of rules to manage their spending

(or if ) to get married.

debt. You could have done the debt

and erase their debt with “gazelle-

snowball. ... You can do all of that

like intensity.”

MO’ PROBLEMS?

stuff and still have all this other

They say money causes problems.

stuff underneath.

013

book,” Galbraith says.

The approach they committed to

In Christian circles, the system often reaches canonical adherence.

LOVE & MONEY

The idea is this: Every dollar you make needs to be allocated.

In one famous application of this

IF BUDGETING W E R E E A S Y, EV E RY BODY WOU L D DO I T. W H AT ’ S AC T UA L LY MAKING IT HARD ISN’T THE LOGISTICS OF LIVING WITHIN YOU R M E A NS

living on a budget,” he says. “A lot of people fall off because of that.”

One of the risks is that it can cause

principle, you’re supposed to budget,

couples to lose sight of some of these

for example, $500 every month for

larger principles and root causes of

groceries. At the beginning of each

financial stresses—many of which

month, you take $500 in cash and

start at a relational level.

put it in a literal paper envelope of money dedicated to groceries. You

A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT

do that for each spending category.

LOVE AND MONE Y

At its core, it’s a system of rules and

Dr. Sonya Britt-Lutter, associate

small, measurable steps. Above

professor of personal financial

all, this approach teaches you the

planning at Kansas State University

discipline to “crush” your debt by

and one of the founders of the field

any means necessary.

of financial therapy, dedicated her

Yes, it had its benefits, but it also had its difficulties for the Galbraiths.

“We rarely went out to eat with

professional career to a unique combination of finance and marriage counseling—she now

friends,” Galbraith says. “We usually

teaches graduate-level coursework

would just meet them after dinner.

in financial therapy theory and

We went to the only Costco in town

research. The solution she suggests

and schlepped all of our stuff on

is financial therapy. Think marriage

public transit to get home instead of

counseling to help people learn

paying for a taxi. We missed a lot of

about and discuss money and

cultural activities that cost money.”

ultimately arrive on the same page

For their part, the Galbraiths

about it. More than learning how to

worked hard and learned a lot—

discuss money, couples need to learn

and some practices they kept up

how to discuss their relationships.

and regularly recommend. But

“We have generally found that

the method wasn’t the right fit for

everybody views life differently,”

them. “We realized this is good

she says. “And because of that,

advice for most people,” Galbraith

everybody has different emotional

explains. “But we realized it wasn’t

needs and very different values.

necessarily a one size fits all.”

They say certain things are important to them that simply aren’t

O R PAY I N G

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

C A S H O N LY.

The cash-only thing just didn’t make

That’s why embracing a holistic

sense for people like the Galbraiths.

vision is so important. The best laid

City life wasn’t conducive to using

budgets fall apart—but the reason

cash, especially for two people

often has nothing to do with paper

working in New York trying to

or plastic.

share finances. On top of that, they

“If budgeting were easy,

initially budgeted too aggressively,

everybody would do it,” says Rafael

saw they couldn’t stay in budget for

Antonio Robert, director of The

a particular category and would

Love & Money Project at brightpeak

become discouraged.

financial. Along with helping to

“I think that the common pitfall

2018

important to the other person.”

design tools and resources for

is: This ultra-rigid budgeting work,

couples to understand the links

where you’re literally tracking every

between relationships and finances,

penny and tightening the belt to the

he also holds a master’s degree

point where you get sick and tired of

in counseling. “What’s actually

014

THE

READING

LIST

These books will give

GOD AND MONEY

THE 5 LOVE

Gregory Baumer

LANGUAGES

THE SURPRISING SECRETS OF HIGHLY

& John Cortines

Gary Chapman

HAPPY MARRIAGES

Two Harvard MBAs learn

This famous book can

Shaunti Feldhahn

place to help your

the value of giving away

help you understand your

A collection of marriage advice

financial and love life.

money, not just making it.

partner much better.

from 1,000 real couples.

you a good starting

making it hard isn’t the logistics of living within your means or paying

letters to use. Everyone who saw

individually.”

To do this, Robert says couples

their pictures talked about the letter

cash only. It’s the navigation of the

need to figure out how to work

relationship stuff that’s going on.

together as a team. Part of this comes

board. The Galbraiths got an idea.

It’s the fact that when a couple has

down to developing key marital

Galbraiths took the money they were

to make decisions about how much

skills like communication. But a

putting toward debt and started

cash to spend, they can’t get on the

lot of it also depends on a couple’s

saving it. “Our budget enabled us

same page, and they don’t know how

ability to get to know themselves—

to save money, over time get out of

to navigate those decisions.”

and each other—a little better.

debt, and in a position where we

After they paid off their debt, the

It’s not that the envelope system

When couples align their values

or trying to “crush” debt with your

and financial goals, it can also help

spouse is a problem, but it’s only one

the dollars and cents of budgeting

back to Utah to start a company

piece of a much larger puzzle—a

make more sense.

selling letter boards. Now, their

puzzle that gets ignored in the midst of all of the rules and processes.

Instead of focusing solely on

The first step toward this,

could put $25,000 [aside],” he says.

They moved from Manhattan

company, Letterfolk, makes one of

according to Robert, is for a couple

the most recognizable products on

to work toward “awareness and

the market.

dollars and cents, Robert says

appreciation.” This means talking

couples need to step back and take

about why you view money the way

they got out from under their

an honest look at the health of

you do—what did your parents

student debt. But the real story is

their individual relationships with

teach, what did you observe, what

deeper. They were really only able to

money—and with each other.

do you believe—and understanding

reach their financial goals because

that your relationship with money

they aligned their life goals.

“A solution that’s completely practical, like a step-by-step plan that just reduces debt, isn’t going

never happens in a vacuum.

Only when you build toward

In part, this happened because

Many experts agree: It’s not just about the money. As the Galbraiths

to get at the root of the relationship

alignment can you take steps

discovered, creating the life you

problem that’s right there alongside

forward. Just ask the Galbraiths.

want as a couple takes more than

it,” he says.

Whether it’s an app, investment

financial literacy or the ability to BEEHIVE STATE OF MIND

aggressively tackle debt.

strategy, or even envelopes, things

In December 2011, the Galbraiths

can get off track when couples can’t

paid off their student loans, and

the ability to align on financial

stay aligned.

if you’re ever on Instagram or

goals—two things that can only

Pinterest, you may have seen where

come when you work together to

they are now.

understand each other better.

“The practical solution only takes one piece of the equation into consideration. It doesn’t factor

It also takes a shared vision, and

A few years ago, Galbraith had an

in things like how we’ll align

idea for their newborn daughter’s

our values, how we’ll navigate

photos. After a lot of calling around,

the way our emotions are tied to

he found a black felt letter board

money or what money means to us

with changeable plastic white

015

A ARON CLINE HA NBURY is a contributing editor for RELEVANT. You should probably follow him on Twitter: @achanbury.

LOVE & MONEY

EIGHT QUESTIONS EVERY COUPLE SHOULD ASK Whether you’re married, engaged or just dating, these questions will help your relationship.

2018

016

THE BIBLE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING directly about

bing hands as you look toward the same horizon

dating. If it did, we’d all know because Joshua Har-

and running into life together. A great conversa-

ris would’ve written a book about it already. As a

tion to have early and often is, “So, where do you

wise man once said, “You won’t find a passage stat-

see your life going?” What we value shapes our

ing, ‘And Moses took Zipporah unto Chili’s.’” Partly

goals. Goals shape our decisions. Decisions deter-

because the ancient Hebrews had better taste than

mine our destiny. So you want to be lockstep on the

that. And because dating just wasn’t a thing in Bible

biggest issues in life.

days—mostly that.

Whoever said, “Life is not about the destina-

Yet the Bible does have much to say about evalu-

tion, it’s about the journey” must not have flown

ation. It also says a lot about marriage and relation-

on many planes. It makes a great difference if the

ships. Scripture is full of passages that encourage

flight lands in San Diego or Syria. Are you both

us to evaluate ourselves and our potential partners,

moving in the same direction?

and to grow in marriage relationships in ways that are healthy and spiritually fulfilling.

This does not mean you need to have an identical career path. But what do many couples say as

Proverbs 25:28 warns, “A man without self-con-

the reason for why they divorce? “Our lives went in

trol is like a city broken into and left without walls.”

different directions.” They don’t mean that one be-

Does that cute guy you like have a temper? Does

came a lawyer and the other a professional mime

he explode in anger or berate his friends? Does he

(That’s a thing, right?). That is not a statement

turn green and burst out of his clothes and start

about career; it is a statement about what they ul-

speaking in incomplete sentences? If the answer

timately value in life. So explore what they believe

is “yes” to the first two questions, don’t marry that

a successful life would be. What are they chasing?

guy. He won’t build up your house. He will only de-

Money? Fame? Power? Comfort? Or do they want

stroy it (If you said yes to the third question, ignore

to honor God with their lives? Find out what your

what I just said. That is Mark Ruffalo. Trap him.).

partner’s priorities are.

Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Do you think that was written for some poor married dude hanging off the side of his house, reading this thinking, “Now you tell me!?”

No! It’s for the single man evaluating what kind of woman he should marry.

When applied correctly, these timeless truths

2.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS WEEKEND?

Much of marriage involves the two of you hanging out. This does not mean

you have to have the same hobbies, but you’ve got to have a little in common.

have a lot of modern, practical applications—for

Does she like a night at home watching a movie

dating couples and married ones. Here are some

and he like going out seven nights a week? Does

questions we should ask to help us determine

she always have friends over and he just wants

whether or not we should spend the rest of our

to watch the game on the couch? You don’t have

lives with someone.

to do every single thing together—and probably

1.

shouldn’t, but here again is an area where unspoWHAT DOES SUCCESS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU IN 10 YEARS? 20? 30?

ken expectations can lead to frustration.

If you envision walking to the farmers’ market

Marriage is not about staring into one

hand in hand every Saturday morning, and he en-

another’s eyes to find our meaning in

visions waking up at noon and watching ESPN until

life. It is about a couple standing side by side, grab-

midnight, you’re going to want to have talked that

017

LOVE & MONEY

KNOW THAT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, YOU DO NOT JUST UNITE YOUR LIVES, YOU UNITE FAMILIES.

through. Some negotiating will be necessary—but

So if one of you never wants to have children

as with anything in a relationship, finding middle

and the other wants to have enough young to pop-

ground and compromising on some of your own

ulate a volleyball team, you’re going to want to

desires for the sake of your spouse is essential.

have mapped that out a bit before you walk down

3.

the aisle.

WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME

It will at least disrupt her career, and may end

YOU GOT IN A FIGHT?

it entirely for an extended season. You can’t pre-

The past is often a predictor of the fu-

dict all that will come your way as you attempt to

ture. Learning how someone has han-

have kids, but you can see if you are both generally

dled conflict in the past will give you a good idea of how they will treat you when you two disagree.

headed the right direction.

they talk about the person instead of to them? Did

5.

they seek understanding and forgiveness? Or did

ing causes of marital stress is money. Not just “I

they explode and say hurtful things?

wish we had more,” but “How I spend it is very dif-

How did they respond when things didn’t go their way or when someone hurt their feelings?

Did they allow distance in the relationship? Did

Proverbs states, “The words of a fool are like

HOW IS YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION?

Do they spend every dime they make?

Do they give their parents coupons for their birthdays? One of the lead-

ferent than how you spend it.”

thrusts of a sword but the tongue of the wise brings

For many people, the thought of an impending

healing.” You want to make sure you both have

marriage motivates them to get their financial act

learned the art of resolving conflict in a way that is

together. A conversation about money carries with

constructive, not destructive.

it the possibility of helping you both align your ex-

4.

penses with your priorities. Let the thought of setHOW MANY KIDS WOULD WE

tling down propel you toward being a person who

WANT TO RAISE?

handles money with generosity and wisdom.

Kids are amazing. But raising them

And if you’re already married, there’s never a

absorbs a lot of money and time. They

bad time to re-evaluate and start to make steps to

prevent sleep. Their appearance on the scene for-

get into alignment with one another and start to

ever changes a marriage.

make healthy decisions.

2018

018

6.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON HOLIDAYS?

Most people spend time with their families on holidays, and your expec-

8.

FOR DATING COUPLES, “DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?”

In Song of Solomon, the beloved says to her man, “Set me as a seal upon your

tations here reflect how much or how little each

heart … For love is as strong as death.” How is love

of your families will be involved in your marriage.

like death? They are alike in their strength. When

My wife’s family enjoys a nice meal together

death takes hold of something it does not let go.

at major holidays. My family does not consider

Love is like this.

Christmas celebrated properly unless we all stay

How do you know real love? It grabs hold and

in the house together for at least a week! Our fail-

says, “I will never let go.” There is a deep sense

ure to understand early on that neither philosophy

of commitment to each other. A resolve to stay

was wrong led us into some hurt feelings and argu-

even when it requires the discomfort of working

ments early in our marriage that really could have

through problems.

been avoided.

You want to make sure that when you final-

Know that when you get married, you do not

ly stand at the altar in front of God and all your

just unite your lives, you unite families. Under-

friends and declare, “I promise to love you for bet-

stand what the family dynamics are, and don’t just

ter or for worse ...” that those words reflect a deep

assume everyone was raised the way you were

resolve you already carry inside. This is how Jesus

and with the same expectations. As troubling as it

loves His Church and marriage at its best is meant

might be, the truth is, some families don’t all wear

to be a picture of this relentless kind of love.

matching footie pajamas for the entirety of Christmas day (Though, obviously, they should.).

7.

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ASSUMING WE’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX?

Pro tip: Don’t roll out this question on the first date. However, for engaged

couples, this should be one of the most important topics of discussion.

Sex is designed by God to foster and promote bonding. Your sense of connection, intimacy and oneness as a couple and your rhythm of when, how and how often you have sex will play a role in all of this.

So again, here is an area where unvoiced expectations can lead to frustration. You need to figure out what the other person expects.

It can be an uncomfortable conversation at first for a couple, no matter what stage of a relationship they are in, but it can prevent miscommunications

BEN STUART is in the process of planting Passion City Church in Washington, D.C.

and unrealistic expectations.

019

LOVE & MONEY

Should You Wait to “Settle Down”?

BY KRISTI AN N JAM ES

H

More millennials are putting off marriage.

Is there a deeper reason for it? annah Gregus is 27 years old, has a college

down.” Gregus says her family doesn’t ask her about

degree and a good job. She’s also never

being single—though she knows they’re thinking

been married, and when asked, she says

about it.

she doesn’t really feel pressure to tie the knot any time soon.

“While most of my friends outside of

Pew Research Center found that when looking at

work are married, most of my day is spent at work

the percentage of each generation married between

around a predominantly single crowd,” she says.

the ages of 18 and 32, millennials are significantly

Her story is common. As research shows,

behind. Just 26 percent of millennials were married,

millennials are waiting longer and longer to “settle

2018

“They think it’s weird, but they are used to it now,” she says.

020

compared to 36 percent of Gen Xers, 48 percent of

boomers and 65 percent of the silent

percent since 1990, so even those

married and good reasons not

generation at the same age.

who made it through childhood

to. But there are also times when

with their parents’ marriage still

millennials may need to be

of married adults between 18 and 32

intact may be watching their parents

reminded that, for one reason or

years old dropped 30 percent.

divorce as adults.

another, fear may be the primary

In about 50 years, the percentage

Griesbeck describes marriage as SHIF TING VALUES

a true “existential leap” for those

The Rev. Jordan Griesbeck, a

whose parents divorced.

millennial minister at All Saints

The economy also comes into play

driver for their decisions.

Sure, sometimes fear has its place, but it can also cause people to question whether God is really with

Presbyterian Church in Austin,

in shaping millennial behavior. They

them as they navigate relationships,

Texas—the city with the highest

are the most indebted generation in

finances and their spiritual lives.

concentration of millennials in

history: The average graduate of the

the U.S.—suggests this may partly

college class of 2016 carried $37,172

ways, but, Griesbeck says, they

be because millennials are about

in student loan debt.

need to remember to rest in God’s

experiences.

“Being financially stable is, for

“Their vision of the good life isn’t the suburbs,” he explains. “It’s

Their vision of the good life is a job that’s interesting, fulfilling and flexible so they can travel. Longing for experiences is a huge factor, and they think once you’re married, it’s over.”

However, some

promise to never leave or forsake

me, the most important thing,”

His children­— regardless of age,

Burke says. “I’m still up in the air

stage, bank account balance or

not buying a house at 26 or having three kids by 30.

Millennials are unique in many

marital status—because

Fear shouldn’t determine when you settle down.

God has a plan, and that is ultimately what should guide you.

millennials say other factors are at play.

For Anna Burke, a single 23-year-

He cares about people, not circumstances.

“The idea that you have to be married to be a complete person is a post-WWII cultural assumption, not a biblical one,” Griesbeck says.

Gregus, who is not sure when she’ll get married, understands there’s no shame

about my career choice and what I want to pursue, and when it comes

in being in a certain stage of life.

“There are people who don’t want

old, it’s more important to find the

to marriage, I’m not in any rush but

to get married at all—let alone rush

right person than to simply jump

would like a companion.”

into it,” she says. “There are people

into a relationship.

“I think it’s better to find that

In fact, most unmarried

who don’t want to have children.

millennials (69 percent) say they

Acknowledging those things will

companionship from good friends

would like to get married, yet

take the pressure off of people who

and not force a marriage than

many feel like they can’t because

want to, but haven’t found the right

to rush into something that is

they don’t have a solid economic

person or felt ready.”

supposed to be a forever decision,”

foundation. Facing unprecedented

she explains. “I don’t feel like I need

economic challenges, emotional

you settle down. God has a plan, and

someone to complete me, and [I

baggage from seeing so many of

that, Griesbeck says, is ultimately

think] that marriage is supposed to

their parents divorced and having

what should guide you.

be viewed as a privilege and blessing

core values tested by a shifting

rather than an obligation.”

cultural climate has given many

No other generation has seen—or

Fear shouldn’t determine when

millennials pause when it comes to

felt—the firsthand impact of divorce

“settling down.” But should those

as much as millennials: Boomers

factors prevent someone from

divorced at unprecedented rates

moving on to their next step in life?

starting in the 1980s and ‘90s. Socalled “Gray Divorces” (divorce in

FE AR NOT

couples over 50) have increased 109

There are good reasons to get

021

KRISTI A NN JA MES is a writer who lives Asheville, N.C. You can follow her @kristenannjames.

LOVE & MONEY

T H E TA K E AWAY TA L K I N G M O N E Y W I T H T H E O N E S W H O M AT T E R

Is Your Relationship on the Money?

Money can mess with relationships, but it doesn’t have to.

YOU’RE IN A

IF

RELATIONSHIP, there’s

a good chance money creates tension from time to time. Don’t feel bad—literally 70 percent of couples argue about their finances.

But here’s the really good news: brightpeak has gathered a team of psychologists, relationship experts, behavior science experts and financial gurus to create tools and resources to help you get to the root of financial and communication problems, and find ways to solve them—for good.

Get free access to all of it at loveandmoney.com Check out brightpeak’s seven steps to help you build financial strength in your relationship. The tools and resources you’ll find throughout loveandmoney. com ensure that they are actually doable.

2018

022

1

KNOW YOUR STORY No one developed their habits, behaviors and ideas without

6

SAVE FOR BIG PURCHASES Hey, speaking of deep cuts, now we

input from their surroundings. And before you try to change

can start talking about saving for

unhealthy habits, you have to recognize where they came from.

that top-of-the-line blender you’ve

Are you carrying baggage from your parents? Did your ideas

been wanting. Want to buy a new car,

about saving and spending come from watching The Real World?

computer or even a house? Knowing

Understanding your past, personality and story is the first step.

how to save for specific items—and

You’ll both need to dig into this a little bit in order for your

communicating about the plan and

love and money to thrive. Once you understand each other’s

purchases together—makes buying

beliefs, values, emotions and behaviors around money, you can

those big items achievable.

build alignment and take meaningful action—together.

2

7

NAVIGATE SPENDING

PRACTICE GENEROSITY What’s more rewarding than being able to

So your spouse just bought an $800 blender without your

provide for your own family? Helping other

knowledge. It may be time to have a conversation about

families too. It may be listed as the last step

spending. Living within your means and communicating about

here, but that doesn’t mean you should

purchases lets you get on the same page and shore up your

wait. Generosity is important enough to

regular expenses.

start practicing it right away—and keep

Keeping track of what goes in and what goes out might seem tedious, but it’s important. Communicating about

doing it.

Making sure you have enough time and

purchases is, too. From there, you can get on the same page and

money to help your church, community and

shore up your regular expenses.

causes you believe in builds an attitude of generosity and gratitude that will last the long haul.

3

PAY OFF DEBT Between student loans, car payments and credit cards, it’s easy to find yourself under a pile of debt. But don’t worry. Freedom is attainable, and it’s easier together than it is apart. And not only will it make you more financially healthy, working together as a team to achieve this big goal will bring you closer as a couple.

NOW WHAT? For most couples, this is the overwhelming part: choosing where to start. Lucky for you, brightpeak has made it easy through assessments such as their Financial Wellness Assessment. Answer a series of

4

questions, and you’ll get a comprehensive

GET INSURANCE Part of adulting involves planning for the unforeseeable. You may be a healthy, cautious, non-extreme-sports-playing athlete who always wears their seatbelt, but having insurance gives your family the peace of mind that no matter what happens (like

set of insights, plus quick and easy next steps. Learn more about this assessment, plus challenges and other interactive tools at loveandmoney.com.

say, an unfortunate blender accident), everyone is protected.

5

SAVE FOR RETIREMENT Sure, it may be decades away, but if you start saving for retirement while you’re young, you’ll have far more later—plus, you won’t have to worry about your post-career future together.

There are tons of methods of saving that don’t involve making deep cuts into your lifestyle. Make sure you’re using them.

023

LOVE & MONEY

LAST WORD O N E M O R E T H I N G ...

The “M” Word Discovering ways to talk about money with your spouse Last summer, my wife and I renovated our house. In addition to making our bathrooms look much better, we discovered that a renovation is a great way to get a divorce. So is buying a double kayak. Do you know what they call double kayaks at sports stores? “Divorce duckies.” When it came time to buy one, I calculated the cost of marriage counseling versus buying two single kayaks. The two single kayaks were a lot cheaper.

WHEN IT COMES TO ARGUMENT

2. ASK QUESTIONS

STARTERS THOUGH, home repairs

The only way you’ll understand

have nothing on money.

what your spouse really believes

conversation about finances?

about money is to ask. You can’t

Bring it up on a walk around the

guess. You can’t assume. You can’t

neighborhood. Talk about it over

imagine. The best thing you can

coffee in the morning or at a fun

have to be that way. Money doesn’t

do is sit down and ask questions.

brunch on Saturday. Don’t spring

need to be a lightning rod of a

After you do that, here’s the crazy

it on someone either. If you know

conversation topic. It doesn’t need to

thing you do second: You listen.

you want to talk about it, mention

be an argument. In fact, with a few

That’s it. Ask a question and then

to your spouse, “Hey, I’d like to talk

simple tricks, you might even look

listen to the answer. Also, don’t ask

about our finances in the next few

forward to talking about money with

Ph.D.-level questions right out of

days.” Surprising someone with that

your spouse.

the gate.

topic is often a surefire way to get

Few things in our marriages cause more problems than money.

The good news is, it doesn’t

Here are three easy things

What’s a Ph.D.-level question?

you can do to change the money

Here’s an example: “What are

conversation in your house:

the secret rules you grew up with and maybe inherited from your

bring up the topic of money.

Want to instead have a great

into a disagreement.

Money isn’t easy, but it’s certainly not impossible. It can even be fun.

Winning together, hitting goals

1. START SMALL

father in the way he approached

together and buying fun stuff

What often happens is that one

money?” Whoa, you went full

together can be awesome.

person reads a book about debt or

therapist! Take it slowly. Ask things

sees a video online and gets all fired

like, “What amount of money

can become something you actually

up. They come home and want to

in savings would make you feel

enjoy talking about.

change everything overnight. They

comfortable? Are there any things

Want a better relationship?

enter the house like a tornado of

you think we overspend on right

Start by talking about money.

financial information spitting out

now? Do you ever feel stressed out

And never buy a double kayak.

facts and statistics. Slow down. You

about money?”

don’t need to fix your finances in the

With the right approach, money

JON ACUFF

first conversation. In fact, you don’t

3. DON’T DO IT RIGHT BEFORE BED

even need a huge goal for your first

Want to get into an argument?

conversation.

Wait until your spouse is

his latest, Finish, Give

exhausted from the day without

Yourself The Gift Of

any brainpower left and then

Done.

Start small. Ease into it. Don’t go in like a bull in a china shop.

2018

024

is the best-selling author of six books, including

03

LOVE & MONEY

2018

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