First Place Winner

Regina Schimke “Thank God It’s Friday” WoB Short Story Contest submission 12/5/2021 Zzzzkkkkk!

Thump, thump, thump. *fuzzy* Is this thing working? Don’t tell me I got the bad mic again.

Crackle, pop!

There we go. Finally!

Hey, sorry I’m late, I was just really not feeling it this morning, you know? I swear I hit snooze at least eleven times. Anyway, I’m the narrator, if you didn’t already know that. Just give me a second to look this book over and we’ll get started.

Oh, and don’t tell the boss I’m talking to you directly. It’s technically against the rules, but it’s Casual Friday here at work, so whatever.

Hmm… looks like this book’s realistic fiction. Gag. I hate that genre. I guess that’s what I get for coming in to work late though. Again.

Huff. Let’s just get this over with.

So basically, there’s this girl. She’s, what, fifteen? Sixteen? Something like that. I know regulation says I’m not supposed to info dump, but I need to get you up to speed and all the other times I did y’all didn’t seem to care, so here goes:

The girl looks like a perfectly normal, average, high schooler (if there ever was such a thing); long brown hair, brown eyes, medium height, freckles, phone tucked into her back jeans pocket, and a t-shirt with some kind of weird band logo on it.

I know, so exciting isn’t it? (That was sarcasm by the way.)

Three other people wearing different versions of the same t-shirt just walked by, so I guess this girl’s pretty hip too. Her backpack also seems to be from a name brand. I would tell you what the name is, but I‘d probably butcher the pronunciation, so I’ll just stay on the safe side and not attempt it. I know you won’t tell the boss.

Oh, here, someone just said “hi” to her. Apparently, her name is Jane. Wow. How lame is that? I mean really, Jane? What, did her parents look up a list of the most boring names in the world and pick from the top five? Okay, sorry, sorry. I’ll try to focus here.

Jane is walking into class. Here, I’m supposed to tell you about the school and how it’s medium-sized, not super new, but still clean and up to date for the most part, and how she’s on the lower floor, and blah blah blah.

She just said hello to a lonely janitor too if you care. She’s probably the most cheerful person I’ve ever seen walking alone.

Anyway, Jane finds her class (it’s an English class I think) and sits at a desk towards the back. As she’s getting out her notebook, she’s also watching the rest of the students pour into the room and suddenly gets all, I don’t know, excited, but like, in a lowkey way. Why’s she doing that? Oh. It’s a boy. Good grief. I should’ve known this was going to happen.

So now the class is starting and Jane’s taking notes, but she keeps glancing at this boy who's sitting across the room. He hasn’t noticed her yet, but he will eventually, just wait. I’ve seen enough of these stories to know the basic plot. This genre spawns the most predictable books on earth. I’ll spare you Jane’s thoughts that I’m supposed to be saying too. Honestly, they’re the most mundane, stupidly romantic thoughts I’ve ever seen. Just trust me, you don’t want to hear them.

Aaaand there you go. He looked at her. Made eye contact and everything. Did I call it or what?

So now Jane’s blushing and class is almost over (I fast-forwarded through most of it to save you from the pain-inducing awkwardness), and now this boy keeps trying not to look at Jane and failing miserably. You know what’s going to happen, don’t you? Yeah, there they go.

I just skipped to their lunch period and they’re having an incredibly awkward meeting just outside the cafeteria. You know how I said the classroom scene was pain-inducing? Well, I take that back. This is like, a hundred, no, a thousand times worse. Jane keeps playing with her hair, and I can’t see the guy's face, but you can pretty much guess what he looks like. Not that it matters anyway.

God, this is horrid.

So anyway, they’re talking. Jane’s being outrageously predictable and the guy… oh, his name is John. Are you freaking kidding me? How much do you want to bet his last name is Doe? How did anyone let this get published?!

Aaarg! Alright, if this gets any worse, I’m calling it.

John just said that he already has a girlfriend, which explains why he was trying not to check Jane out earlier, but it's pretty obvious that he’s more into Jane than this other girl (I looked ahead a little and found her description and it turns out she’s a complete brat). So now

Jane’s all sad and dejected. Let’s just fast forward through the rest of her school day so you don’t die of boredom. Here we go.

After school, Jane goes home and sulks in her room, eventually becoming so depressed, she fades out of existence entirely.

Just kidding. I made that up. Us narrators are supposed to stick to the script, but at this point, anything would make this stupid story better. Jane’s actually heading towards some kind of little shop smashed between two giant office buildings near the middle of her hometown.

Oh my God. *audible facepalm* It’s a soup kitchen. You have seriously got to be kidding me this time. She’s volunteering at a soup kitchen? Is this for real?

Okay, I’m out. This book is ridiculous.

She just got rejected by this stupid guy named John so now she’s going to make soup for poor people? Who does that?! People this nice don’t exist in the real world. It’s realistic fiction, not “idiotic utopia” fiction. I mean really, would you go volunteer at a soup kitchen right after you got dumped by the boy of your dreams? No, I didn’t think so. This story doesn’t make sense at all. I demand to know who wrote this crap! *distant laughing* Did you two purposely set me up with this story? You did, didn’t you? Why, you little— *shuffling followed by crashing noises in the distance* *muffled* I hate you guys! You know I can’t deal with realistic fiction! If I wanted to narrate people making anticlimactic life choices I would just come to one of your houses and narrate you! *more laughing and then the sounds of two people being chased out of a room by one person wielding a spare mic stand like an angry hockey player* … *audio canceled* *session timed out*