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CARMEL WYNNE
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FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS
CARMEL WYNNE FAMILY DISAGREEMENTS ARE NORMAL AT CHRISTMAS
WHEN A CONVERSATION TAKES A WRONG TURN, IT’S HELPFUL TO REMEMBER THAT IF WE CHANGE, THE OTHER PERSON WILL HAVE TO REACT DIFFERENTLY ALSO
Perfect families do not exist. If a conversation takes a turn we don’t like, most of us believe we are reacting to something that was said to us. Sometimes that is true but what may equally be true is that the other person was reacting to something we said, did, or didn’t do.
Isn’t it strange how just one word or even the smallest, seemingly insignificant remark can spark an argument that may develop into a row? Who or what introduced the note of contention is seldom clear because people have such different perceptions. Whether we respond positively or react negatively to what we hear reflects what we assume to be true about the speaker’s motivation.
Having the courage to say what we feel at the time someone reacts badly is one way to avoid a contentious issue becoming a problem that is bound to be more difficult to resolve later. It’s easy to forget that, in some ways, our family members see us as the person we used to be, not the mature and capable adult we have become.
Parents who offer advice may be hurt when they get a negative response to an offer of help or even a simple suggestion. For adult children, unsolicited advice from a parent suggests a need for improvement. If this is interpreted as you’re not doing it right, my way is better, it’s reacted to as a critical judgement.
Almost everyone has witnessed or been part of a situation where a pleasant, amiable conversation turned into an angry exchange in the blink of an eye. Research shows that one in six families have disagreements over Christmas dinner preparation. Other issues that spark arguments are fighting over TV channels, squabbling over board games, drinking too much, and decisions about entertaining the in-laws.
At any large family gathering, at have a great many unfinished situations with our families and many unexpressed feelings towards them. Some people are so burdened with the past that they cannot let go of painful memories.” Even though our memories of past events are very real for us, they are not accurate records of the events and incidents that actually happened. There is a widely held belief that because people love us, they
least one person will likely feel like s/he is walking on eggshells. At family gatherings during Christmas, it’s harder to disengage, walk away and avoid impending disagreements than at other times of the year. In a utopian world, sibling rivalry would disappear when sisters and brothers become adults. In the real world, it’s estimated that about one in five children who feel jealous and harbour resentment against each other carry their competition, disagreements, and rivalry with them into adulthood.
Gestalt therapist John O. Stevens says, “Almost all of us should understand us in ways that we do not expect from others. Studies show that mothers and daughters expect more of each other than fathers and sons. Irish people are not good at talking openly and honestly about their feelings. Rather than have a conversation about the real issue, they complain about something small and trivial. The trouble with this is that the trivial issue gets sorted, but the main issue remains unresolved. The longer this goes on, the more easily triggered to anger the person with the issue becomes.
Unresolved issues are usually behind an innocent remark that is taken up the wrong way, alters the tone of a conversation, and totally changes the atmosphere in the room. A comment from family members that would have no effect if said by colleagues can generate deeply felt emotional hurt when it is heard as a criticism, judgement, or put down.
Family members are good at predicting what will happen when a touchy subject is raised or some old disagreements that will lead to an argument are resurrected. An angry exchange that clears the air has less of a disruptive influence on the season of goodwill and happiness than the sullen silence of someone who withdraws emotionally. The biggest joy killer in any group is the fault finder who rarely expresses a word of appreciation and has been known to complain that gifts were too cheap or lacked thought.
When a conversation takes a wrong turn, it’s helpful to remember that if we change, if we say or do something different from what we usually do, the other person will have to react differently also. I love this advice from Hal Elrod, an American author, speaker, and success coach: “The moment you accept total responsibility for everything in your life is the day you claim the power to change anything in your life.”
